She contacted me again after months

[Earlybird2016]

At some point, though, this obsession with her becomes a detriment to your life. It sounds like it's already at that point. It sounds corny, but if you truly love her as much as you say you do, then you'd find some acceptance in your heart that she's apparently in a situation that brings her happiness.

 

It's not corny at all. I wish her nothing but the best.

 

I keep saying, the issue I'm facing isn't ABOUT her feelings, in that sense. It's about mine, and how unrealistic it is to imagine some sort of worthwhile existence beyond this.

 

Look at it this way. To kind of bolster my confidence a little, I've worked out, got new clothes, s new haircut, even done a few things like have my teeth whitened and a couple of mud pack sessions. A nice little makeover, basically.

 

But what's the point? What's the honest to god point in even shaving or combing my hair? Who the heck am I out to impress, if there'll never be anyone else?

[aloneinaz]

But what's the point? What's the honest to god point in even shaving or combing my hair? Who the heck am I out to impress, if there'll never be anyone else?

 

I haven't read this whole thread but if this is how you're TRULY feeling, you need to seek out some help from a professional.

 

To even THINK that there's only one special gal for you is simply madness which is why you need to invest some time and money on someone who can help you my friend.

[Earlybird2016]

That's not love. That's an obsession.

 

I'll admit, it's a little unsettling that you don't think there's anything wrong with staying as emotionally invested in a woman who's building a life with another man.

 

It would be VERY unsettling if it was in any way deliberate, yes.

 

Believe me, if I was one of those types who can lie to themselves about it, I would. If there was ANY way out of living with this while I go through the futile motions of work, sports, family commitments, hateful dating etc until my deathbed then, sure, I'd take it.

[Blanco]

But it is deliberate because you're intentionally doing things to keep yourself stuck/available for her.

[Earlybird2016]

I haven't read this whole thread but if this is how you're TRULY feeling, you need to seek out some help from a professional.

 

To even THINK that there's only one special gal for you is simply madness which is why you need to invest some time and money on someone who can help you my friend.

 

Hi.

 

No problem not reading the whole thing (it's a big thread) but I have mentioned I'm currently in therapy (have been for seven months). It's just words.

 

There ARE lots of girls out there, but none with her exact combination of qualities and flaws and so therefore undesirable to me.

 

I said in one of my earlier posts ... different is easy, better just ain't happening.

[CupCakess]

Hi

 

First time post so I'll try to keep a long story short, happy to clarify anything if I miss something out.

 

Together four years, then approx ten months ago (November) she got a new job, met someone new and about a month after that she ghosted me. Because of the new guy and also not wanting to appear needy, I sent maybe six texts, one email and a letter, all over a TWO MONTH period, and eventually after seeing her posting romantic stuff on Facebook on V-day I sent a text wishing her well and saying that she was always welcome to contact again, but I wouldn't be contacting anymore.

 

So, Feb to May, nothing. But it's her birthday in May, and I sent a very neutral (best wishes) birthday card, partly out of a hope to reconnect but not really holding onto much hope. A few days later, her sister text me on her behalf to say that the card was appreciated, and I basically said "She's welcome, best wishes to all the family."

 

My birthday was four weeks later, and she text. A brief conversation, pleasant enough. Since then, there have been five text convos, a few weeks apart, all initiated by her. General catch ups (weirdly, she drops hints about the new relationship but has never mentioned him directly even once). I know from mutual friends that she moved in with him in May (so now they live/work together) and she seems very happy.

 

I'm curious about the contact though. I've thought about the "traditional" reasons and I'm not sure they apply. Guilt? Maybe, but surely that would be eased after, say, the first TWO calls where I was approachable and friendly? Ego? Perhaps, but to all intents and purposes, she "WON" this, new job, new relationship etc, and while I'm pleasant in the convos, I'm certainly not begging for her back or showing my feelings, so I'm not sure what ego boost there is.

 

I've probably missed out lots, so happy to clarify if needed. All opinions welcome, but especially the female perspective. I don't know if I want her back, but certainly I'd like to talk and at the moment I'm more curious about the WHY rather than what might happen in the future.

 

Thanks, everyone

 

Because she isn't happy with her new relationship and is using you as emotional support. I know that you would like to think she is having second thoughts, but it has nothing to do with you, she is keeping you as a backup.

 

If it gives you some comfort, her new relationship will probably disintegrate in a few months. They moved in together really fast, they see each other everyday at work. It is a recipe for disaster, so they will probably end up splitting up in a 6 month - 1 year period (unless she gets pregnant, and they push the relationship because of the child).

 

But your best option is to move on, and forget her. You will be laughing about her when she calls asking to get you back, after her relationship dissolved, and you are already hooking up with a new gal. Seriously, enjoy your life!

[insert_name]

It's not corny at all. I wish her nothing but the best.

 

I keep saying, the issue I'm facing isn't ABOUT her feelings, in that sense. It's about mine, and how unrealistic it is to imagine some sort of worthwhile existence beyond this.

 

Look at it this way. To kind of bolster my confidence a little, I've worked out, got new clothes, s new haircut, even done a few things like have my teeth whitened and a couple of mud pack sessions. A nice little makeover, basically.

 

But what's the point? What's the honest to god point in even shaving or combing my hair? Who the heck am I out to impress, if there'll never be anyone else?

 

You are right there isn't a point. In fact, you may as well cut your balls off and give them to her so she can keep them in her purse. You won't be needing them, evidently.

 

The saddest part is that she won't even remember that she has them, apart from when she wants to have a good laugh with her friends.

 

Stop the self pitying, man up and get on with your life. And I say this as someone who dated a girl for 4 years about a decade ago who I never properly 'replaced'. I worry I will never meet anyone like her but it damn well is never going to stop me looking and believing that I will otherwise I will end up in a cycle of negativity like you are stuck in and as far as I am concerned living life in such self-imposed misery is worse than any other fate that could befall me.

[Earlybird2016]

But it is deliberate because you're intentionally doing things to keep yourself stuck/available for her.

 

About the only thing I've done that strays from the accepted break up "advice" is to her respond to her reaching out. Not helpful, but what if one of those texts was "I want you back"?

 

We're told not to invest in anything except a clear and direct sign that the dumper wants to reconcile, and what if blocking or ignoring stopped that? Seriously.

 

And anything I HAVE done deliberately is because of my feelings, which by definition are something I cannot control.

[NopeNah]

"I want you back"?

 

That text isn't coming..EVER..My ex wife, mother of my child(whom I raised),from 15yrs ago, wants me back. To this day, I could call her up and get back together..Ain't happening! Because I'm better off without her in my life. Seems like your ex is better off without you in hers so, it's up to you to accept that. Trust me..I really don't care if you choose to stay single,hung up on this ONE person because of "how great she is"..psshhh! Crazy talk!

[BC1980]

I've said a few times on here that I don't feel a reconciliation is viable, but it's human nature to want things or situations that would improve one's life, so I don't know that hoping for better equates with denial? If I was hoping for a lottery win, that means I'm deluding myself that I'm a millionaire?

 

Yes, I want to hope that her contact is a good sign. I've initiated NONE of it, nothing for months. I've been through it before on here, but guilt, ego, whatever, none of that seems to be her reason.

 

And no, it's not a "can't have so I want" scenario. Even my ego isn't so fragile. Whether she reciprocates or not, I want her because I love her, and some enforced chemical withdrawl like NC is unlikely to change that. I daresay people torn from people they love through circumstances in days before text and email etc could vouch for such persistence of the heart.

 

If you don't think a reconciliation is viable, why do you want to keep the door open for reconciliation?

[BC1980]

It's not corny at all. I wish her nothing but the best.

 

I keep saying, the issue I'm facing isn't ABOUT her feelings, in that sense. It's about mine, and how unrealistic it is to imagine some sort of worthwhile existence beyond this.

 

Look at it this way. To kind of bolster my confidence a little, I've worked out, got new clothes, s new haircut, even done a few things like have my teeth whitened and a couple of mud pack sessions. A nice little makeover, basically.

 

But what's the point? What's the honest to god point in even shaving or combing my hair? Who the heck am I out to impress, if there'll never be anyone else?

 

But you've never even given yourself a chance to find a worthwhile existence because you haven't gone NC.

[BC1980]

About the only thing I've done that strays from the accepted break up "advice" is to her respond to her reaching out. Not helpful, but what if one of those texts was "I want you back"?

 

We're told not to invest in anything except a clear and direct sign that the dumper wants to reconcile, and what if blocking or ignoring stopped that? Seriously.

 

And anything I HAVE done deliberately is because of my feelings, which by definition are something I cannot control.

 

Your feelings can change. Over a lifetime, our feelings change often. No, you cannot control how you feel, but you can control your actions. You can go NC, and your feelings will change gradually. It's happened to a lot of people here. It's happened to me. I never thought my feelings would change, but they did because I went NC. By going NC, you force yourself into acceptance, and your feelings will change. Out of sight, eventually out of mind.

[Earlybird2016]

Your feelings can change. Over a lifetime, our feelings change often. No, you cannot control how you feel, but you can control your actions. You can go NC, and your feelings will change gradually. It's happened to a lot of people here. It's happened to me. I never thought my feelings would change, but they did because I went NC. By going NC, you force yourself into acceptance, and your feelings will change. Out of sight, eventually out of mind.

 

I did 2.5 months NC until she contacted me. I still don't initiate and never will.

 

And as you say, feelings can change, which I find somewhat at odds with the "She's NEVER coming back!" view so often expounded here.

 

Out of sight, out of mind is interesting. She hasn't seen me for ten months (bar one awkward hello in passing a month before she reestablished contact) ... and yet she continues to contact me from the comfort of her great new relationship, great new home, great new job etc.

 

Interesting.

[Blanco]

Actually it's not interesting at all. It just means she's either completely inconsiderate to your feelings by talking to you as if she did nothing to you or she's going behind her current partner's back to talk to an ex. Neither scenario makes her look good.

 

But then, I said as much a month ago, so it's clear you have no real interest in comments that don't support your delusions about this woman.

 

Best of luck. I'm out.

[BC1980]

I did 2.5 months NC until she contacted me. I still don't initiate and never will.

 

And as you say, feelings can change, which I find somewhat at odds with the "She's NEVER coming back!" view so often expounded here.

 

Out of sight, out of mind is interesting. She hasn't seen me for ten months (bar one awkward hello in passing a month before she reestablished contact) ... and yet she continues to contact me from the comfort of her great new relationship, great new home, great new job etc.

 

Interesting.

 

Her feelings could change, but there is a very low likelihood of that happening. I think the main point we have been trying to get across is that you shoudn't keep the door open on the off chance that she changes her mind. Immediately after a breakup, feelings tend to change a lot before things settle down.

 

Texting you is keeping you in sight. Texting is often used to keep a person in the periphery but at arm's length. Keeping up in social media and texting is more dangerous than interacting in person because you can live in a fantasy world with the former. You literally create your own little world.

[Earlybird2016]

Her feelings could change, but there is a very low likelihood of that happening. I think the main point we have been trying to get across is that you shoudn't keep the door open on the off chance that she changes her mind. Immediately after a breakup, feelings tend to change a lot before things settle down.

 

Texting you is keeping you in sight. Texting is often used to keep a person in the periphery but at arm's length. Keeping up in social media and texting is more dangerous than interacting in person because you can live in a fantasy world with the former. You literally create your own little world.

 

A change in her feelings IS unlikely, though would you class 5 months after a break up IMMEDIATELY after? That's a genuine question btw. I would have thought a few weeks after would be immediate.

 

And I keep coming back to my original question. I don't keep HER in sight. I don't contact, check her social media, ask mutual friends etc. None of that.

 

She's contacting ME. She may check my social media but it's all private, and I give nothing away to mutual friends that might be of interest to her. If we look at in black and white terms, she WON the breakup. Not really the right phrase, but she has all the new life (boyfriend, new city, cool job etc) so you know what I mean. She's not reaching out because her life is at some low ebb.

 

Guilt? Maybe, but if my willingness to talk implies guilt-easing forgiveness, who needs that seven times?

 

Ego/back burner? Again, a possibility, but aside from the fact she seems to be doing well in life, she's getting NOTHING from me. No initiated contact, no "I miss you", no fishing to meet. Nothing.

 

So what does she want?

[NopeNah]

So what does she want?

 

Ask her that.. I actually think you should text her right now and ask her that question.

[Earlybird2016]

Ask her that.. I actually think you should text her right now and ask her that question.

 

I obviously can't text because it's disrespectful to intrude upon her current relationship.

[BC1980]

I obviously can't text because it's disrespectful to intrude upon her current relationship.

 

Then how are you going to figure out her intentions? I'm being serious. Because none of us can read her mind. So you are left waiting for her to contact you again. All we can do is give you reasonable guesses based on past experiences.

 

Also, the fact that you remain open to contact is keeping her in sight IMO. Even if you initiate nothing, you are still waiting for a response. You've dedicated a lot of time to trying to figure out her motives, so she is in your sight. She is in your head, and keeping the proverbial door open can be very damaging. You have dedicated time and energy to deciding if you were going to text her back last time. So she is eating up a lot of your head space just virtue of the fact that you are leaving the door open. You are one text away from going down the rabbit hole again.

 

I don't think that 5 months out from a 4 year relationship is that long. Especially when you have never dedicated yourself to NC. I know that for me, my emotions changed quite often for at least a year after I initiated NC. When I was still in LC with my ex, my emotions were all over the place. His were to some extent because he told me so. He may have moved on romantically, but he told me that he was still going back and forth for several months. He would text me because it was familiar, and it's hard to go cold turkey. I think your ex is keeping you in her back pocket in case her current relationship doesn't work out. That's my feeling about it.

[Nightwriter]

Here is the thing. If your ex cheated on you, she broke trust in the worst way possible. Those things often cannot ever be undone unless she really sees her selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and self-control and truly regrets and hates her actions, and wants to radically change. But that is very rare and often is a result of some dramatic things in a person's life i.e. someone she trusted betraying her similarly, so don't count on it. You might want the life you had back but it's never going to come back in the same way. Even if she, whatever, chooses you over him, it's her entire character that is at stake, a character that is fickle and untrustworthy, not who she chose to be with. The undercurrents of her actions will constantly reverberate throughout any potential relationship you might have. She could say she loves you a thousand times more but what will it mean when she was willing to do what she did after saying it a thousand times before? I know you hate it, but that is the reality that sits before you. It might take a long time to truly understand this, but you'll likely look back and wonder how you could have wanted someone so horrible, no matter how hot she is.

 

I won't sugar coat it and say, don't worry, you'll find someone else, because you might not. Hopefully there is more to your life than just being with someone though. Maybe go to church, volunteer to help with those who can barely eat?

[Earlybird2016]

Here is the thing. If your ex cheated on you, she broke trust in the worst way possible. Those things often cannot ever be undone unless she really sees her selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and self-control and truly regrets and hates her actions, and wants to radically change. But that is very rare and often is a result of some dramatic things in a person's life i.e. someone she trusted betraying her similarly, so don't count on it. You might want the life you had back but it's never going to come back in the same way. Even if she, whatever, chooses you over him, it's her entire character that is at stake, a character that is fickle and untrustworthy, not who she chose to be with. The undercurrents of her actions will constantly reverberate throughout any potential relationship you might have. She could say she loves you a thousand times more but what will it mean when she was willing to do what she did after saying it a thousand times before? I know you hate it, but that is the reality that sits before you. It might take a long time to truly understand this, but you'll likely look back and wonder how you could have wanted someone so horrible, no matter how hot she is.

 

I won't sugar coat it and say, don't worry, you'll find someone else, because you might not. Hopefully there is more to your life than just being with someone though. Maybe go to church, volunteer to help with those who can barely eat?

 

Hey, thanks

 

You're right about how, whatever happens, the consequences of her actions sticking around if we ever got back together. And yes, I know she's been horrible, but sadly we love who we love. And btw (not that looks matter in the long run) she isn't actually that "hot" in conventional terms (she has a lazy eye, is kind of overweight for her build) but to me she's the most beautiful woman I've ever known (corny but true).

 

I know it's done in real world terms, but emotionally this will never be over.

 

I tried the charity work actually - to be honest there were a few reasons, some selfish, like keeping busy and hoping to gain some perspective, and some honestly trying to give something back. It's helped others, which is good, but hasn't helped me at all.

 

I still know there's no meaningful life without her. Thanks for being so realistic that I might not meet anyone else, I honestly appreciate that. The point is that nothing in life will ever be enough to compensate for what I've lost.

[Marc878]

Hey, thanks

 

You're right about how, whatever happens, the consequences of her actions sticking around if we ever got back together. And yes, I know she's been horrible, but sadly we love who we love. And btw (not that looks matter in the long run) she isn't actually that "hot" in conventional terms (she has a lazy eye, is kind of overweight for her build) but to me she's the most beautiful woman I've ever known (corny but true).

 

I know it's done in real world terms, but emotionally this will never be over.

 

I tried the charity work actually - to be honest there were a few reasons, some selfish, like keeping busy and hoping to gain some perspective, and some honestly trying to give something back. It's helped others, which is good, but hasn't helped me at all.

 

I still know there's no meaningful life without her. Thanks for being so realistic that I might not meet anyone else, I honestly appreciate that. The point is that nothing in life will ever be enough to compensate for what I've lost.

 

You're totally wrong on this. I've seen so many say these same things but time heals everything. It may seem like the end but it isn't. Someone else that you're more suited to will be there when you least expect it.

[Earlybird2016]

You're totally wrong on this. I've seen so many say these same things but time heals everything. It may seem like the end but it isn't. Someone else that you're more suited to will be there when you least expect it.

 

I look at it this way. Time tricks you, yes, makes you think that what happened is in some way more manageable than it should be.

 

But someone else? Good advice if it's one-itis, a lot of talk about soulmates etc, but not an option from a practical, real world point of view. If I buy $200 trainers, they're going to be fit for purpose, a good supportive fit that'll help me run faster. If I buy $2 trainers, chances are they'll be useless, and fall apart because they're not the right fit for me, just something to settle for because I don't have the $200 version.

 

Every other girl is $2 trainers.

 

They're somebody elses premium Nike, sure, but they'll never be mine.

[TooRational]

I have to ask, what exactly are you trying to accomplish by posting in this thread? You have lots of negativity towards the future. You're down in the hole and we're giving you hints on how you could manage to crawl out, but it seems like you want to stay down that hole. Unless you choose to break the status-quo and do something to get out of the stalemate you're in, no one can help you.

 

You have to choose to improve your life. Are you happy right now? Where do you want to be in your life 5 years from now? And no, hoping to be back with her is not a realistic goal.

 

My suggestion, as everyone else's is to go NC. Keeping the door open just keeps the wound fresh. But do initiate a text. It should read something like : "I need to kindly ask you to stop contacting me. I need this in order to heal myself and move on.". Then you can block her, just in case. That way you won't have constant thoughts about whether or not she contacted you while you blocked her. In all likelihood, she will respect your request.

 

Or go the total opposite. Ask her to go for a coffee. Do ask her what her intentions are. Why is she sending those texts. Try to get closure and then, cut contact. You CAN'T stay friends with someone you still have feelings for. You'll just drive yourself crazy with the tiniest hints of hope.

 

But whatever you do, don't keep doing what you're currently doing, it doesn't work.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

[TooRational]

For what it's worth, I too have some hope that I'll get back with my ex at some point in the future. But I know that this can't happen unless we both grow our separate ways and become different people to some extent. Because we couldn't make the relationship work with our current selves. Seems similar to your situation, you said yourself that getting back together (now) is highly unlikely.

 

This "growing" needs to happen separately, without contact. It almost certainly involves dating other people. Then maybe later at some point we'll "rediscover" our new selves and begin a completely new relationship. Just as likely however, is that we'll find another partner to be happy with instead. But for both scenarios to happen, I have to let go of her completely.

 

I admit that I'm not fully there yet. I still think of her daily but I try to remember the ways in which we were not compatible. It's hard because we had wonderful times together and she has amazing qualities. But in the end, she didn't love me as much as I did, or at the very least, didn't show it as much as I needed. I can't "fix" that. I have to let go.