She contacted me again after months

[Nadine123]

I think what you need to do is work on your self-esteem and confidence. The fact that you still want to be with her shows that there is a serious issue there.

 

How about you read some books or try to improve this part? and i disagree with everyone that she feels guilty. As a girl, I can simply say that she needs an ego boost or her new relationship/dates arent working out.

 

Once you work on your self-respect and esteem, you will realize how you deserve better.

 

Also, I understand that ghosting hurts like hell but you will not heal if you talk to her.

[aloneinaz]

Earlybird,

 

I think what most people are saying here is we want to see you get better and put this gal behind you. There's is NO way I could have gotten over my last ex had I not vanished from her life w/strict NC. Most people on this site that got over there last R/S did exactly that. They healed and then moved on and dated new folks.

 

Psychology is an important thing to all humans. It's a very key part of our relationships with others.

 

Let's say you were dating a girl and simply didn't feel it anymore and gently ended it with her. How would you feel if she kept contacting you. Checking up on you. Then, you start dating someone new and are happy with the new gal. Yet, this gal that you dumped just won't go away. She texts or sends b-day cards on your b-day. How would you view her?

 

Now, the other side of the coin. You end the relationship. She accepts the news. She vanishes and you never hear from her again. What would your mind think? Would it say "damn, I must have not of meant that much to her anyway and taken a small punch to your ego"? Then, a few months after the breakup, you see her out with her new, hot boyfriend.

 

I guarantee you that you'd be curious and she'd suddenly look pretty attractive again to you. You'd also question yourself and your decision to end it w/her.

 

Dumpers NEVER come back to the dumpee that continues to contact them and stay in touch. Most dumpers don't return at all. When a dumper does return is because they get curious when the person they dumped vanishes. The dumper accepted the decision and moved on with their lives. They dumpee becomes even more attractive when the dumper learns they are dating someone new.

If a few months have passed since the R/S ended and the dumper hasn't found anything better, is lonely and sees their ex out living their lives and dating others, they then may question their decision. This is when a dumper MAY reappear.

 

Anyway, do yourself a favor. Stay NC. She treated you horribly and you shouldn't even consider ever dating her again, not that she would. Go out and date others. As soon as you meet someone that you really connect with, you won't even think of this last one anymore.

[Blanco]

Look at this way: She's either talking to you as though nothing happened, which is inconsiderate of your feelings, or she's going behind her boyfriend's back and communicating with you in the hopes of reuniting. Either way, she comes off as a person lacking in character and inherently only concerned with what's "best" for her.

 

Unless I'm missing something, this girl has not even apologized for her behavior. Then again, I wouldn't think I needed to apologize for my behavior if the other person's response was to send me a birthday card.

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine 123 - You're right about the self-esteem. And yes, ANYONE deserves better than to be treated this way. I feel that you're saying I deserve better than her tho? Again, a very valid point, but there's a big difference between who I deserve and who I love. I don't see myself ending up with her, which leaves me with two choices. Being alone or being in a relationship based on lies, being with another woman and never giving her the love that SHE deserves. I'm not wrecking someone's life like that.

 

Blanco - Yep, you're right, sir, and thank you. I can only refer you to my answer to Nadine123.

 

aloneinaz - I know everyone here wants to help. I'm honestly more grateful than I can tell you. I know I seem pig-headed about things, but I've basically thought about this 24/7 for nine months, plus had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy in order to get my thoughts about it in order, so I feel I have a handle psychologically on what my ex and this situation means to me.

 

I DID vanish for 2.5 months (not long, I know) as best I could. The problem was because of our mutual friends she could have kept tabs on me and my activities the whole time so no mystery there. For my part, it's been impossible to have ONE day without a trigger. I avoid her social media, I never initiate contact, I avoid as much as I can. But as I say, we used to work together, and there are photos of her everywhere, and everyone talks about her all the time, and I still have to walk past her new workplace every day (there's only one route to where I work) and yeah, I've seen her lots of times with her hot new boyfriend

 

Thanks, everyone. Please know I really appreciate all your thoughts on this.

[Nadine123]

The only reason you are saying you wont be able to give a new woman something is because you havent found anyone you connect with.

 

Ive been on a couple of dates and I didnt connect wit any of them until yesterday. I met someone who I actually connected with and didnt think of my ex the whole time.

 

Stay strong

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine - thanks, I'm glad things are working out for you

[266696687]

HI Earlybird,

 

This may not be what you want to hear but here goes.

 

You seem a bit unable to accept the reality of your situation. Your perspective is extremely negative and you completely and totally seem to believe you will not and cannot ever love anyone else except your ex? When a breakup occurs most people seem to have some thoughts about never finding love again but you seem determined that it is your destiny to be alone if you can't have your ex. You've certainly got a self fulfilling prophecy going on here and you should try to reframe the way you think. You will never move on if you continue the same thought process.

 

After the way your ex has treated you I'm surprised by the way you have continued to remain in contact with her. This is not the behaviour of someone with self respect and if you don't respect yourself she won't respect you either. This can also be the reason why she continues to contact you. She knows you will take any bad, nasty or disrespectful behaviour she dishes out and you will keep coming back for more. She has no respect for you, no respect for your feelings and no respect for your relationship which is why she thinks nothing of picking up and phone and getting in touch with you. She doesn't care if you are upset or jealous of her new boyfriend. She doesn't care that she hurt you by cheating and leaving you for someone else. She knows you won't ignore her or call her out on her bad behaviour or stick up for yourself. You are an easy target for her. She can do what she likes when she likes without consequences so of course she is going to contact you. You'll put up with absolutely anything (including cheating) and still love her, talk to her and want her. She has all the power and you have none. She can come in and out of your life as and when she pleases. Sounds like a good deal for her but not you.

 

Lastly. You may love your ex but wouldn't you rather be alone than with someone who disrespect you, your relationship and your feelings? I know which option I'd choose.

 

It's not about believing you can do better. its about knowing you don't deserve to be treated the way she has treated you. It's about being able to recognize when someone is literally taking advantage of you (which she is doing) and learning how to let go of a relationship that is bringing you nothing but anguish and frustration. It's about preferring to be alone than be in the company of someone who has treated you so badly.

 

The root cause of your troubles in my opinion is your opinion of yourself. I don't believe you feel like you deserve to be treated better, and to be loved and cared for. You have absolutely and completely convinced yourself that your ex and all her behaviour is what you deserve.

 

You should stop replying to her and take steps to build your self confidence and self esteem as these are the cause of your clinging on to your ex in desperation and hope. If you had more confidence in yourself and more self esteem you'd believe what people here have been telling you. You'd walk away knowing you can find someone else and that you will move on.

Edited September 9, 2016 by 266696687

[marky00]

Fair point,

 

 

But... in my case, I know I made some dumb mistakes at the end of the relationship, up to that point, things had been going well.

 

 

That's why I didn't walk away as I normally would have.... I guess I knew it was mostly my fault so I needed to at least let her know that I realised that.

 

 

That's when you may fall into the trap of excusing their bad behaviour post break-up.

[Earlybird2016]

266696687 - Thank you for taking the time to respond in such an extensive and considerate way. I do feel that I am accepting the reality of my situation. If I was allowing myself to live in a fantasyland wherein I had an unrealistically kind view of my ex's actions or their consequences, I doubt I'd view my future so bleakly. I WOULD rather be alone than be disrespected, yes, but of course I'd rather be with someone I love rather than someone I'll care nothing for and perhaps ultimately despise for the unreasonable reason that they're not my ex. Neither solitude nor a relationship built on such a destructive (for myself and a new partner) foundation is an appealing prospect.

 

I don't feel that my willingness to desire a reconnection with someone who hurt me stems from esteem issues. I'm well aware that there are people out there who would treat me better. I've had interest before, during and after my relationship from women who might be prettier, funnier, kinder than my ex, but they don't possess the combination of qualities and flaws that she does. So yes, better or different or whatever, but unwanted.

 

I'm unsure if my self-respect or lack of it would be a driving force behind her initiating contact repeatedly. I take your point about her coming in and out of my life when she pleases, but she has a full and fulfilling life all of her own, she has no reason to think I'm not doing the same, and she certainly has never tried to make me jealous about the current guy (she still hasn't ever mentioned him to me, or for example about the four or five vacations abroad they've taken in the last nine months - our former co-workers happily discuss them). Plenty of mileage there if she wanted to make me jealous, but as you rightly suggest, perhaps she doesn't care.

 

Then why keep texting?

 

As I say, messed up as I am, she has no clue about my state of mind. I'm not chasing or initiating or whatever. I've covered my views on the classic ego boost or guilt etc in previous posts, but long story short I don't objectively think any of that holds water here.

 

I've known her for ten years ( four in a relationship) and I've seen her with previous partners. When she's done, she done, doesn't stay friends or play games etc. So the continuing contact still remains a mystery for me.

[Nadine123]

Hi there

 

Hope you're having an awesome weekend! I told my story before but this will help some of your questions in the last post.

 

I also never chased after him, never communicated with him at all, and he kept on texting me over and over agai (even though he's dating someone else). Like you, I kept on asking myself all these questions. why would he text if he's seeing someone else? Im not chasing him so why won't he leave me alone? and I was left ghosted. I never thought for 1 second this would happen and I'm not saying she will but the fact is she treated you horribly from the start, so her character isn't a good one.

 

Her not contacting her ex's doesnt mean anything. Sorry to burst your bubble How do you know she didnt? You want to tell me her boyfriend know she's contacting you.

 

You are overthinking every single thing and that is because you're still holding on to her. As I mentioned in the last post, you went meet a girl you click with right away. Trust me, once you do, you wont even think of her.

 

The girl ghosted you, she thought you were worthless. end of story.

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine123 - You're right to make the point about what I did/didn't know, but I'm dubious. I think knowing someone and their family for a decade, seeing them every day, seeing them at their best and worst and going through all the good and bad times that a ten year relationship (of any kind) gives one a rounded enough perception of a person's character. All we can do is speculate, but again, I'm weighing up nine months of unpleasant behaviour against a decade of seeing her good points, so I'm still asking myself these (admittedly pointless at this stage) questions about contact.

 

And I'm guessing her boyfriend knows SOMETHING of the contact. They live/work together now, and knowledge of their jobs (we all work in the same specialist field) gives me a little insight into when she would/wouldn't be with him. At least one of our conversations have happened when he's been with her (tho obviously I have no idea who she's saying that she's having a one hour text conversation with).

 

May I ask what kind of content your ghosting ex contacted you with? I'm curious if there are any more parallels between our stories.

 

And thank you! I hope you're weekend is going well

[Blanco]

She keeps contacting you because she obviously wants to get back together.

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco - Wonderful use of irony there

[Nadine123]

Her character around her family and friends has nothing to do with who she really is. One of the things that drove me crazy about my ex is that everyone loves him so much and this is why I started to blame myself and think it is my fault (pathetic, I know). When I posted the question here, I found that many people out there have suffered from the same thing. Great person outside the relationship, loved by all, but completely crap to them alone. So no, what you need to judge now is how she treated and left you.

 

He constantly bombarded me with texts and calls for about a week or two. when it was time for him to show up so we can talk, he never called and hasn't called or texted me since. So her texting all the time really doesnt mean anything. Also, I find it weird how she's constantly texting you when she's seeing someone else now. So she didn't respect you and doesn't respect him. I dont mean to be harsh on her but she seems like a horrible peson.

[Blanco]

Blanco - Wonderful use of irony there

 

Well that seems to be what you want to hear by continuing to ask why she's contacting you even though multiple people have given plausible reasons why.

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine123 - Your opinion, whether you consider it harsh or not, is always welcome All I can say to clarify is that throughout the ten years she treated me and the relationship with thoughtfulness and respect. I wouldn't have been such close friends with her for six years and certainly wouldn't have entered into a romantic relationship for four years after that if it had been otherwise.

 

Yes, it IS weird how she contacts now. As I suspect we've all done at times, I've scoured forums for stories similar to my own, but I haven't found any. It seems as though the dumper stays in touch in the weeks following the break up to string the dumpee along, or gets in touch months later when their lives are at a low point (romantically or otherwise) with the classic "I miss you" type breadcrumb, neither of which I've experienced. So as you say ... weird.

 

Blanco - I was amused by your humorous use of an empty platitude, and loved how it was a satirical reflection of the "carpet bombing" approach of "Block! Ignore! Move on!" philosophy advocated so often irrespective of a break up's specific nuances, so thanks for giving me a much needed smile. An excellent use of irony to puncture the usual script we see so much of

[Nadine123]

Seems to me like you're just looking fo excuses to justify her behaviour in your head.

 

I wouldn't have been such close friends with her for six years and certainly wouldn't have entered into a romantic relationship for four years after that if it had been otherwise.

 

re-read this: When I posted the question here, I found that many people out there have suffered from the same thing. Great person outside the relationship, loved by all, but completely crap to them alone. So no, what you need to judge now is how she treated and left you. what respect did she treat you with lol? the girl left you without even thinking you're worth an explanation.

 

Ive said this to you before, but you will never heal this way. You are doing this to yourself even though everyone looking from outside has told you she doesnt give two ****s about you shouldnt even consider speaking to her.

[LD1990]

Blanco - I was amused by your humorous use of an empty platitude, and loved how it was a satirical reflection of the "carpet bombing" approach of "Block! Ignore! Move on!" philosophy advocated so often irrespective of a break up's specific nuances, so thanks for giving me a much needed smile. An excellent use of irony to puncture the usual script we see so much of

 

The breakup's specific nuances almost never matter as much as the dumpee thinks they do. Every dumpee who doesn't want to let go argues about how the people recommending NC don't know everything about their ex and how their situation is different than every other breakup.

 

The proof is in the pudding. If you've scoured the forum, the results of NC vs. staying in contact with an ex are pretty obvious. The people who go NC move on. The people who don't make topics months and years later puzzled about why they can't get over their exes.

 

Why does your ex still contact you? There's plenty of possible reasons, but getting back together is the most unlikely one.

[Blanco]

I understand being in denial that someone who loved you has truly disengaged from those feelings for good. I really do. I haven't gone through a breakup yet where I didn't go through this. And I did some of the same mental gymnastics you did. "Oh, they're still talking to me. It's not about anything important, but they're talking to me. That must mean something, right?" Well, no, it never really did.

 

I will add that at almost a year removed from the initial breakup, it is probably time to move past the denial stage. It's a natural thing to go through, but it's not something that is healthy to remain in for too long. That isn't me saying that you need to be over her or the relationship, but it's time to start inching toward acceptance that you will not be with her again.

 

And again, I ask you to stay mindful of the reality here. No matter what she might be thinking, what we know for sure is this:

 

- She cheated on you, at least emotionally.

- She ended the relationship by just vanishing.

- IF she is feeling you out for any sort of reconciliation, she's doing so while in an exclusive relationship with someone else.

 

Think about these things, and especially that last one. I know you don't care if this guy gets hurt. However, if she were to dip out on him to come back to you, then you'd basically be an accessory to her putting someone through the misery that you've been through yourself. Why would you want to be with someone capable of such cruel behavior?

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks, everyone.

 

I don't have any belief that I'll get my ex back, nor do I have any firm faith that we could make it work even if she did. Any hopes I might find irresistible to harbour are based around a view of the woman who WAS the kindest and most loving individual I've ever known (in or out of the relationship). Of course people change, and who knows what she's like now. Everything I hear (that I absolutely cannot escape because people see no issue about discussing a friend who has found happiness in a new job, relationship, city etc) points to her being largely the same (charity work, devoted to family and friends and her boyfriend etc). Exactly the same good person I knew in that decade, just not with me except for her attempts at reaching out.

 

This isn't a pedestal, or rosy glasses, or mental gymnastics. This is taking what I've experienced at absolute face value, with as little over analysis as possible. What she did to me was horrible for me and if taken at face value an act of great cruelty and selfishness.

 

Every piece of advice on these forums advocates a "do you" approach, forget the other person and focus on what's best for you. I've tried to do that, from negative things like the suicidal thoughts (doing what's best for me) to more (on the surface at least) positive initiatives, like accepting the end of the relationship and the consequences of lonlieness and pain that go with it. I will NOT future fake the fantasy that I'll have another meaningful relationship, or a family, or anything like that. I think that very much goes AGAINST the forum's overarching supportive policy of accepting reality.

 

Thank you all. You're advice about acceptance has been a great help.

[Earlybird2016]

So ... reading through the forums, looking for some hope.

 

"Go NC"

"Move on"

"You'll meet someone else"

 

So f#$king frustrating, when I'm reading stories where the ex wants to meet up, wants to talk, wants to do SOMETHING, after mere weeks of contact that's less than I've received in frequency and consistency.

 

I'm pleased for the people who get to reconnect in that way, but I can't help feeling jealous. Then again, probably the difference between those people and me is that, if they don't get their ex back, they're willing to compromise, to settle for less than they truly want and happy to convince themselves that they're not having their own foolish rebound because it lasts.

 

Happy to forget that the ex is the one they really want, and convince themselves they're not cheating their new partner out of a chance to be with someone who really loves them.

 

What a horrible way to be.

[NopeNah]

So ... reading through the forums, looking for some hope.

 

"Go NC"

"Move on"

"You'll meet someone else"

 

So f#$king frustrating, when I'm reading stories where the ex wants to meet up, wants to talk, wants to do SOMETHING, after mere weeks of contact that's less than I've received in frequency and consistency.

 

I'm pleased for the people who get to reconnect in that way, but I can't help feeling jealous. Then again, probably the difference between those people and me is that, if they don't get their ex back, they're willing to compromise, to settle for less than they truly want and happy to convince themselves that they're not having their own foolish rebound because it lasts.

 

Happy to forget that the ex is the one they really want, and convince themselves they're not cheating their new partner out of a chance to be with someone who really loves them.

 

What a horrible way to be.

To be blunt: SHE does not care..Is your ex with someone else? And,OP....don't act tough here.

 

skimmed the first post... "why?" is my question.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Praying4Daylight
retard

[BC1980]

Did you go NC? No social media and blocking.

[Earlybird2016]

To be blunt: SHE does not care..Is your ex with someone else? And,OP....don't act tough here.

 

skimmed the first post... "why?" is my question.

 

Yes, she's with someone else (she left me for him) and yes, apart from six or seven text conversations initiated by her over the last few months (we didn't speak for the first five months), it would seem she doesn't care.

 

Which is kind of my point. It's impossible to move on and be happy when any move I make is just "future faking" and settling for less because I can't have the person I want.

[Earlybird2016]

Did you go NC? No social media and blocking.

 

I went (and still am) No Initiated Contact. We've been broken up for ten months and she's contacted me six or seven times over the last five.

 

I can't block her because I don't want to send out a message that I'm not open to any future reconciliation.