She contacted me again after months

[Nadine123]

I've made some childish little statement and let pride get in the way of a chance at future happiness.

 

this is why you will never move on.

[marky00]

Look, you have to trust your gut and you chose not to respond for a reason.

 

 

Honestly, you need to flip this as a positive.

 

 

After being 35 days NC, I am starting to get that feeling that if I was to get a text or w/e, I will ignore it. If the text had some meaningful words (extremely unlikely), I might even take that opportunity to tell her I'm not interested.

 

 

Look, you have to get it back to the thinking you have when your courting for the first time. You both have pride and no-one wants to make the first move. I'm not saying she is actually interested but either way, that's how you need to play it.

 

 

By not replying, you have taken back some power, you just don't see that yet.

 

 

Think of all the horrible things that have happened you. Who cares if she gets a little pissed that you didn't reply.

 

 

Look, for almost 2 years, I tried the approach you have been doing these last few months. Yes, it did finally lead to a face-to-face but it didn't work for the longer term.

 

 

Its time to show that you have your limits, yes you have tried to make a menz but there is only so far you will bow down.

 

 

Now, if I only I get 1 breadcrumb so I can test this theory

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine123 - I think that you're probably right on the money with that, sadly.

 

Essentially, it means I'll die alone but be able to look back on my deathbed and say "Ha! I showed HER!"

 

All in all, I'm not sure I'd qualify that as any kind of succes.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Earlybird2016

[Nadine123]

I dont mean to be harsh on you, but you're being extremely weak.

 

Yes, its difficult. Yes, it isnt easy. Yes, there are days where you will obsess and cant focus because you are thinking about her. Why not embrace that and take steps to move on instead.

 

Look when I posted my story here I got alot of answers I didnt want and that hurt my feelings but they were all true.

 

The conclusion is: She ghosted you, she doesnt care, she will never care, and she will probably do it again. do you want me with someone like that? up to you

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine123 - I don't think that you (or anyone else here) is being harsh in any unwarranted fashion. We've all been down the same road and I'm taking everyone's guidance in the supportive spirit in which it's given.

 

I ignored her last message because of the advice on the forum, and now, yes, it's horrible because I feel I may have snapped the one fragile line of communication between myself and someone I care for.

 

You're right, her actions in the last nine months clearly outweigh the four year romantic relationship and the six years as platonic friends before that. Yes, it would seem that she's ill-suited to be a romantic partner to me, and the most mature option is to write off my happiness as collateral damage caused by hers, and maybe "make do" with someone further down the line. Certainly, being with someone who'll never truly love you is a vile fate, and not one I look forward to inflicting on a future partner five, ten, twenty years in the future.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Earlybird2016
clarity

[marky00]

I dont mean to be harsh on you, but you're being extremely weak.

 

 

Yes an No.

 

His relationship was for 4 years. If he loved her as much as he claims, its very tough. He's not being weak, just scared to let go of loving someone that much. Its just scary to let that go sometimes.

[marky00]

Nadine123

 

I ignored her last message because of the advice on the forum, and now, yes, it's horrible because I feel I may have snapped the one fragile line of communication between myself and someone I care for.

 

 

Well, youv'e done the right thing. You a threw a well needed spanner into the works.

[aloneinaz]

Yes an No.

 

His relationship was for 4 years. If he loved her as much as he claims, its very tough. He's not being weak, just scared to let go of loving someone that much. Its just scary to let that go sometimes.

 

Yes, he really is being weak. What he's doing to himself is not productive nor healthy for his short and long term health.

 

When someone kicks you to the curb and says I don't want you my life anymore, you accept it. Is that news going to hurt? Hell yea. It's going to take a couple of months to get your feet back under you again.

 

What you NEVER do is stay in contact w/the dumper.. EVER..! It only drags out the healing process and you stay stuck in that miserable state month after month after month.

 

What this OP is doing is looking desperate, needy, showing zero pride and self respect while looking spectacularly unattractive to her and everyone else. He's doing the POLAR OPPOSITE of what he should be doing to get over it.

 

It's a simple FACT that the people who get over a R/S the fastest are the ones who go NC immediately. They accept that it's over and wouldn't even consider going back. They heal from the pain. They then move on w/their lives and eventually date and find someone new.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, I promise. The OP should be investing all this time he's WASTING on this failed R/S, on himself. He needs to address his low self esteem and self worth and lack of confidence in himself. That would be the best thing he could do. It's simply ridiculous to put an ex on a pedestal like he's doing.

[marky00]

 

What this OP is doing is looking desperate, needy, showing zero pride and self respect while looking spectacularly unattractive to her and everyone else. He's doing the POLAR OPPOSITE of what he should be doing to get over it.

 

.

 

You missed my point completely.

 

But u also nailed my point precisely. In Bold.

 

Just because his behavior looks weak or interpreted as weak, doesn't make him weak. He is just channeling his strengths in the wrong directions.

 

The fact is even able to talk to the ex after all this is pretty gutsy. Wrong, stupid maybe but weak, I don't think so.

 

He is making progress. He will get there. He ignored that last text, congrats. Baby steps. People need to heal at their own pace.

[Blanco]

The fact is even able to talk to the ex after all this is pretty gutsy. Wrong, stupid maybe but weak, I don't think so.

 

lol wut.

 

He's only talked to her because he still wants to "reconnect" romantically with a person who committed the ultimate betrayal and then topped it off by just f'n vanishing without a word. That's the epitome of weak.

 

This girl likely only wants to be in contact with him to alleviate the guilt she is hopefully feeling. She wants to be able to say to herself, "Yes, I treated him like trash. I slept with another guy and threw away a four-year relationship to do so. And then I just disappeared instead of breaking up with him like an adult. But look, he still will talk to me and is super friendly, so obviously he's OK with it. Phew!"

[Earlybird2016]

AloneInAz - You're right about the healing properties of going NC immediately. I didn't do that because in the six weeks following (or thereabouts) I still didn't know if there was a chance to reconcile (I think that's a fair consideration weighing up 6 weeks against 4 years relationship/10 years friendship).

 

I cut contact as soon as I found out she was seeing someone else, and stayed that way for 2.5 months until I sent a neutral card on her birthday. A card, because I had no real expectations of a reply, and I felt that a card wouldn't hang around like a text inviting a response that I didn't think I'd get (if that makes sense).

 

I got a thank you text a few days later from her sister (I was close to all her family) on my ex's behalf. I put her sister contacting rather than her down to guilt/awkwardness/whatever about the circumstances of the break up and her new boyfriend. I didn't see this as a green light to resume contact, and we didn't speak again until my ex text three weeks later on my birthday. As I say, since then, six reach outs all initiated by her under the flimsiest of excuses to contact.

 

I've thought about the traditional reasons for dumpers to contact. Guilt, ego, the back burner etc. I don't know that any of those apply. I'm not chasing, or asking to meet, or saying I miss her. My own social media is kept fun and positive, not too over the top, giving no sign that I'm still hurting.

 

So, whether I block or respond or ignore ... I'm still curious why?

[Blanco]

Because she doesn't want to be your girlfriend.

[Nadine123]

So, whether I block or respond or ignore ... I'm still curious why?

 

we have all written paragraphs on why you shouldnt respond. what is it that you still dont understand?

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco - I agree with you to some degree, about guilt being the most likely reason. But even that seems strange to me. I've never said "I forgive you" but if we take my willingness to talk as implied "forgiveness" ... who needs forgiving for the same thing six times? Surely after the first or second conversation, or even prior to that, the birthday card I sent her would assuage her guilt in a "no hard feelings" way, which would allow her to walk off selfishly guilt free as you describe?

 

I'd expect most people, with their new life in place, to grab at the guilt relieving implied "forgiveness" and get the heck away from the damage they caused.

 

But as always, my thanks to you and everyone else for the guidance and support

[Blanco]

How can you say guilt doesn't apply? Unless you dated a sociopath, there's no way she's not feeling at least a little bad about how she treated you and exited the relationship.

 

Everything you've said about your communications with her since the breakup indicate she's just trying to make sure you're both on good terms. Knowing that you are will alleviate the guilt.

 

If she wanted you back, it wouldn't be taking her this long. Even if she hadn't explicitly said it, you'd have something substantial to hang on your theory that she wants you back. Instead, you've had a handful of polite, but pretty benign conversations with her spread over a long period of time.

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine123 - I understand all your reasons, and I've ignored her last text as everyone seems to againate irregardless of any potential glimpse of a positive reason for her to contact. Understandably, everyone is presuming the worst, even though both the positive and negative possibilities can easily be challenged with the minimum of confirmation bias.

 

Blanco - Yes, I established that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend nine months ago lol, but again, it's a catch-all answer that fails to address her reasoning for contact. She's getting NOTHING out of this, not that I can see.

[Blanco]

Refer to my first post in this thread made two weeks ago.

 

If nothing else, there is your answer. And it is not what you want, so why stay in contact with her? This isn't that complicated.

[Logic10]

Nadine123 - I understand all your reasons, and I've ignored her last text as everyone seems to againate irregardless of any potential glimpse of a positive reason for her to contact. Understandably, everyone is presuming the worst, even though both the positive and negative possibilities can easily be challenged with the minimum of confirmation bias.

 

Blanco - Yes, I established that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend nine months ago lol, but again, it's a catch-all answer that fails to address her reasoning for contact. She's getting NOTHING out of this, not that I can see.

 

What she's getting out of this is peace of mind that you don't hate her. She's probably on cloud nine now cause she gets to be with the guy that she wants, and the guy that she did completely wrong somehow is still being nice and sweet to her, instead of hating her. Things couldn't have turned out any better for her in this situation.

[marky00]

Very similar to my experience.

 

Guilt is a factor but what's weird is that once she is able to forget you (out-of-sight out-of-mind), that guilt will be swept under the carpet pretty easily.

 

Once you reached out with the card, you reminded her of the past which may have set her on the path of ridding herself of the guilt.

 

But yes your right, neither of u get anything substantial out it or at least not yet (with these meaningless texts).

 

If however one day, u snap and give her a mouth full, you may at that point relieve of her of all that guilt so be sure never to do that until you are well and truly over her.

Edited September 8, 2016 by marky00

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco - Sorry, perhaps I phrased it poorly. Yes, I think there's guilt, of course. When I said it may not apply, I meant as a reason for CONTINUED contact. I don't see why it would take a SERIES of conversations increasing in frequency and decreasing in awkwardness (initiated by her) to alleviate guilt on an ongoing basis, when she still has her new lifestyle.

 

I would never ghost someone, but if I was the dumper in a relationship clearly I would feel guilty for breaking someone's heart, but as reinforced constantly on the forums, one way to sweep away the old emotions is to meet someone new/better/different/whichever, which apparently is what she's done. And yet the suggestion is that new lifestyle/relationship is insufficient to wash away the old emotions, guilt included?

 

None of us know what she's thinking, and certainly both yours AND my perspectives are challenged and dismantled with comparative ease.

[marky00]

Yes, I think there's guilt, of course. When I said it may not apply, I meant as a reason for CONTINUED contact. I don't see why it would take a SERIES of conversations increasing in frequency and decreasing in awkwardness (initiated by her) to alleviate guilt on an ongoing basis, when she still has her new lifestyle.

 

 

Like i said, when your responding to texts, your more present in her mind, hence the guilt-relieving process continues. Unless you blew up or w/e, that would have continued for quite a while.

 

Now, that you have stopped replying, she'll take that opportunity to put you out of her mind, in other words push it under the carpet. So, ironically at first, she may feel less guilty.

 

But one day, when a life altering experience happens (maybe she will get dumped), that unresolved guilt may return to haunt her.

[Blanco]

You're doing some real mental gymnastics to discount what seems pretty obvious.

 

Dude, she cheated on you! And here you are almost a year later looking for signs that there's hope to reconnect. I don't know what you were like in the relationship, but that comes across as so needy and unattractive. It's fine to still be hurt by it all. I would be. But you're now poised to throw away years of your life on someone who did something that most people would call a game-over relationship deal breaker.

 

Please stop asking why she continues to contact you. I already told you. She thinks you're her friend. Maybe you need to hear her talk about her dates for that to finally register that's all she sees you as.

[marky00]

Maybe you need to hear her talk about her dates for that to finally register that's all she sees you as.

 

She won't do that as that would increase her guilt

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco - I hear ALL about her dates/new life through work colleagues and mutual friends. It'd be cool if I didn't. We worked together, so I'm surrounded by photos of her and us every day in people's desks. Trust me, I know it's real.

[marky00]

Look the upside to this is your over the shock factor.... stage 1 of grief cycle.

 

I have reached the point where I accept by ex is in a relationship. Do i like it? Nope.

 

In these really ugly breakups, you are sometimes best to find out all the gory details and then at that point try to move on. At some point you were always going to find out about the bf anyway.