She contacted me again after months

[BC1980]

I went (and still am) No Initiated Contact. We've been broken up for ten months and she's contacted me six or seven times over the last five.

 

I can't block her because I don't want to send out a message that I'm not open to any future reconciliation.

 

Well, you are actually working against yourself because continuing to engage with her will make her want you less. So if you want to increase your chances, you would need to cut her off. But I don't at all recommend leaving yourself open to reconciliation. Your self-esteem is in the toilet if you would even consider taking her back. Even taking to her makes you seem extremely weak and with no standards.

[BC1980]

Yes, she's with someone else (she left me for him) and yes, apart from six or seven text conversations initiated by her over the last few months (we didn't speak for the first five months), it would seem she doesn't care.

 

Which is kind of my point. It's impossible to move on and be happy when any move I make is just "future faking" and settling for less because I can't have the person I want.

 

You can't move on because you refuse to go NC. You are living in a world of denial right now. You will never move on this way.

[marky00]

So ... reading through the forums, looking for some hope.

 

"Go NC"

"Move on"

"You'll meet someone else"

 

So f#$king frustrating, when I'm reading stories where the ex wants to meet up, wants to talk, wants to do SOMETHING, after mere weeks of contact that's less than I've received in frequency and consistency.

 

I'm pleased for the people who get to reconnect in that way, but I can't help feeling jealous. Then again, probably the difference between those people and me is that, if they don't get their ex back, they're willing to compromise, to settle for less than they truly want and happy to convince themselves that they're not having their own foolish rebound because it lasts.

 

Happy to forget that the ex is the one they really want, and convince themselves they're not cheating their new partner out of a chance to be with someone who really loves them.

 

What a horrible way to be.

 

 

I hear you.

 

 

I think a lot of people just have a better ability to forget and move on ..... but... that doesn't mean you weren't head over heels for the one who dumped you.

 

 

Over time , anyone can convince themselves of something.... even if it isn't totally true. That includes pretending we don't still have feelings for that person.

 

 

All these folks in here who think they have achieved indifference via NC. I bet if your Ex knocked on your door, you would see you aren't indifferent, its just that you have trained your mind to act that way.

[Earlybird2016]

Well, you are actually working against yourself because continuing to engage with her will make her want you less. So if you want to increase your chances, you would need to cut her off. But I don't at all recommend leaving yourself open to reconciliation. Your self-esteem is in the toilet if you would even consider taking her back. Even taking to her makes you seem extremely weak and with no standards.

 

It's a fair point about the engaging. I think she probably reestablished contact BECAUSE I dropped off the grid, but ... if there's ever a chance to start again, how on earth would NC help at this point (and yes, I know that's not the purpose of NC).

 

What I mean to say is that surely communication has to start somewhere? And ignoring someone who you WANT to talk to when they reach out seems counterproductive.

 

And of course I'd consider taking her back. I doubt my self esteem would be any greater if I allow myself to enter some worthless relationship one/ten/twenty years from now with someone whose companionship I would, at best, tolerate because they're not my ex.

 

It seems that's what most people do, but I don't want that life for myself or any potential future partner.

[TooRational]

Let me jump in. I've read all the pages, mostly to read other people advice as I'm also trying to cope with a breakup (3 months NC now).

 

I think that there's too much emphasis on the NC. It's a mean, not a goal. It's not like if you go NC for 6 months, you win. The end goal is this: You need to be so over her that if she ever wanted a new relationship with you again, you'd say NO. You'd say no because you've reached a point in your life where you're convinced that you're such an awesome man that only an equally awesome woman deserves to be with you. And because of what your ex did to you, she's disqualified for life.

 

[...] the woman who WAS the kindest and most loving individual I've ever known [...] points to her being largely the same [...] Exactly the same good person I knew in that decade [...]

 

WRONG. She's NOT the same good person anymore. She'll forever be known as the person who dumped you for another guy in a very mean way. You can't rewind time. She'll never be the good person that she was at the beginning of your relationship, ever.

 

So yes, the whole thing IS a self-esteem issue. You need to improve yourself to the point where you convince yourself that you deserve better than her. You've been going to the gym, good.

 

However you've say that you've been a social outcast for the past 9 months. Gotta work on that. I suggest doing some kind of group activity, doing something new you've had in mind for a while, where you'd get to meet new friends. I chose to do speed skating. A sport is best, as physical activity has been proven time and time again to be the best anti-depressant pill in the world.

 

Also, what helped me is to establish goals for myself and focus on that. It has helped me to focus on something other than my ex. For myself, these have been sport-related goals but it can be anything, as long it helps with the larger goal of self-improvement.

[Blanco]

Yeah, wouldn't want to settle for someone who wouldn't cheat on you and then ghost you. Gals like that don't come along but once in a lifetime.

[Earlybird2016]

I hear you.

 

 

I think a lot of people just have a better ability to forget and move on ..... but... that doesn't mean you weren't head over heels for the one who dumped you.

 

 

Over time , anyone can convince themselves of something.... even if it isn't totally true. That includes pretending we don't still have feelings for that person.

 

 

All these folks in here who think they have achieved indifference via NC. I bet if your Ex knocked on your door, you would see you aren't indifferent, its just that you have trained your mind to act that way.

 

Thanks for replying

 

I'll openly admit my lack of indifference (here of course, not to her) because I feel I'm stronger for refusing to lie to myself that moving on and finding someone new is an option worth considering.

 

I'm just venting, tired of treating my emotions like some disposable resource that can be thrown away by simply cutting off the person I want and entering a relationship at some point with some unfortunate person who'll never be loved by me because they're not her.

 

I'm tired of the ridiculous "NC/Move on" way of thinking, it's no better than throwing yourself into a rebound, just with the silly deception of having "healed".

[Earlybird2016]

Yeah, wouldn't want to settle for someone who wouldn't cheat on you and then ghost you. Gals like that don't come along but once in a lifetime.

 

They don't.

 

But to be fair, I don't see how being alone forever or settling for a non-cheating, non-ghosting girl and lying to myself (and more importantly, her) that I have any kind of loving feelings for her is any kind of healthy option either.

[Blanco]

They don't.

 

But to be fair, I don't see how being alone forever or settling for a non-cheating, non-ghosting girl and lying to myself (and more importantly, her) that I have any kind of loving feelings for her is any kind of healthy option either.

 

How many other serious relationships have you had?

[Blanco]

Thanks for replying

 

I'll openly admit my lack of indifference (here of course, not to her) because I feel I'm stronger for refusing to lie to myself that moving on and finding someone new is an option worth considering.

 

I'm just venting, tired of treating my emotions like some disposable resource that can be thrown away by simply cutting off the person I want and entering a relationship at some point with some unfortunate person who'll never be loved by me because they're not her.

 

I'm tired of the ridiculous "NC/Move on" way of thinking, it's no better than throwing yourself into a rebound, just with the silly deception of having "healed".

 

No one is saying you have to cut off your emotions and pretend like you're fine. What they are saying is NC is critical in the healing process. I know right now you think she's coming back and so you think you would be weak and untrue to yourself if you didn't have your life on pause right now.

 

Nobody is saying that you have to go live life as though nothing happened. But what good has sitting around for a year and hoping she'll come back done for you? This isn't a race, but while you're sitting still thinking she'll come back eventually, she's out there living her life, sharing a bed with another man, creating memories with him, forming inside jokes with him; building a life together.

 

We've established she's a cheater and a bit of a coward. If her interactions with you have been anything more than platonic-based, then she's also a shady person who's developing a track record of deceit, since she does, as I'm understanding, have a boyfriend.

 

I'm going to assume you're young and basically a novice with handling something like this. Those who have chimed in with the advice to block and go NC aren't doing so because it's some trite platitude. They're doing it because they've been through this a time or two and know from experience that those are the most effective ways to move on from the devastation that is a rough breakup.

[Earlybird2016]

Let me jump in. I've read all the pages, mostly to read other people advice as I'm also trying to cope with a breakup (3 months NC now).

 

I think that there's too much emphasis on the NC. It's a mean, not a goal. It's not like if you go NC for 6 months, you win. The end goal is this: You need to be so over her that if she ever wanted a new relationship with you again, you'd say NO. You'd say no because you've reached a point in your life where you're convinced that you're such an awesome man that only an equally awesome woman deserves to be with you. And because of what your ex did to you, she's disqualified for life.

 

 

 

WRONG. She's NOT the same good person anymore. She'll forever be known as the person who dumped you for another guy in a very mean way. You can't rewind time. She'll never be the good person that she was at the beginning of your relationship, ever.

 

So yes, the whole thing IS a self-esteem issue. You need to improve yourself to the point where you convince yourself that you deserve better than her. You've been going to the gym, good.

 

However you've say that you've been a social outcast for the past 9 months. Gotta work on that. I suggest doing some kind of group activity, doing something new you've had in mind for a while, where you'd get to meet new friends. I chose to do speed skating. A sport is best, as physical activity has been proven time and time again to be the best anti-depressant pill in the world.

 

Also, what helped me is to establish goals for myself and focus on that. It has helped me to focus on something other than my ex. For myself, these have been sport-related goals but it can be anything, as long it helps with the larger goal of self-improvement.

 

I agree with you about deserving better. No one deserves to be treated how I was, and my heart goes out to ANYONE going through something similar (or any kind of breakup to be honest).

 

And yeah, I get asked out by prettier, funnier, insert positive quality here girls all the time. But so what? Everything points to my ex not caring anymore, but this is about MY feelings now, not hers (following the perceived "do you" wisdom). It doesn't matter if the girls will treat me "better". I'm sure a lot of them would but how is that even relevant?

 

Everyone here (rightly) condemns my ex for her actions. She got rid of me because she "did her" and found someone "better", irrespective of the collateral damage to my feelings.

 

And now, that's the exact same "solution" offered by the forums to me.

 

"Go NC" - she did that, until recently.

"Put yourself first" - she did that too.

"Find someone that makes you happier" - and that.

 

How on earth can we vilify a behaviour pattern for the dumper and in the same breath advocate as some sort of positive progress for the dumpee?

[Earlybird2016]

How many other serious relationships have you had?

 

Before this? Four.

[Blanco]

How on earth can we vilify a behaviour pattern for the dumper and in the same breath advocate as some sort of positive progress for the dumpee?

 

Because they aren't the same thing at all. Are you really suggesting that your ex putting herself first by lying to you, cheating on you, and then ghosting you is really equivalent to you now putting yourself first by cutting her out of your life and focusing on what will be best for you?

[Earlybird2016]

No one is saying you have to cut off your emotions and pretend like you're fine. What they are saying is NC is critical in the healing process. I know right now you think she's coming back and so you think you would be weak and untrue to yourself if you didn't have your life on pause right now.

 

Nobody is saying that you have to go live life as though nothing happened. But what good has sitting around for a year and hoping she'll come back done for you? This isn't a race, but while you're sitting still thinking she'll come back eventually, she's out there living her life, sharing a bed with another man, creating memories with him, forming inside jokes with him; building a life together.

 

We've established she's a cheater and a bit of a coward. If her interactions with you have been anything more than platonic-based, then she's also a shady person who's developing a track record of deceit, since she does, as I'm understanding, have a boyfriend.

 

I'm going to assume you're young and basically a novice with handling something like this. Those who have chimed in with the advice to block and go NC aren't doing so because it's some trite platitude. They're doing it because they've been through this a time or two and know from experience that those are the most effective ways to move on from the devastation that is a rough breakup.

 

I'm 38.

 

And yes, I get how NC works as a "cold turkey" healing process. I've used it before and also seen it work many times.

 

The wall I keep coming up against ... isn't that I have some unrealistic view of her character. And at this stage, although I can't help but have a glimmer of hope, I don't imagine there's any viable route to restarting the relationship.

 

The problem I have, is that with years of life experience and four (five including my ex) ) serious relationships in my history, I understand the impact and implications of what's happened here.

 

Yes, she's behaved appallingly, and cruelly, but to believe that my emotions are something that can be buried to the point of being able to have another relationship or be even moderately content again sounds ridiculously unfeasible.

 

And while I'm here, Blanco ... honestly, thanks. We may disagree but I sincerely value your bluntness.

[Earlybird2016]

Because they aren't the same thing at all. Are you really suggesting that your ex putting herself first by lying to you, cheating on you, and then ghosting you is really equivalent to you now putting yourself first by cutting her out of your life and focusing on what will be best for you?

 

No, but I am saying that lying to a future partner about being in love with them at any point in the next forty years or whatever is perhaps equal in terms of destructive deception, both for myself and the hypothetical partner in question.

[Blanco]

Ah, but see, I'm not saying you should bury your feelings. I think that's the worst thing you can do right now. I think you should own your feelings as a means of working through the stages of grief. Your problem is that you've become a permanent resident of the denial stage. It's normal to feel some degree of denial that it's done forever, but your life becomes stuck in a vortex if you allow yourself to remain in this stage.

 

I'm not the person who's going to say you should just be over it all because of how she treated you. Honestly, I think relationships that end with such horrible circumstances are the ones that are the most difficult to get past. They can traumatize us.

 

I would advocate some counseling, if for no other reason than to help you work through some of the self-esteem issues I do believe are making moving past this more difficult than it already is.

[Blanco]

No, but I am saying that lying to a future partner about being in love with them at any point in the next forty years or whatever is perhaps equal in terms of destructive deception, both for myself and the hypothetical partner in question.

 

You worry about hypothetical situations too much. Don't even worry about your next relationship. You'd be no real use to a healthy relationship with another person right now. It's pointless to think too much about a future partner who doesn't even exist. Focus on healing from this breakup and you'll eventually find yourself available to be in a relationship where you wouldn't be lying to a future partner about being in love with them.

[TooRational]

You need to take her off that pedestal somehow. I get it, even after everything she's done, you still have feelings for her (albeit diminished) and you don't want to ignore those feelings. Same with my ex. But despite that, I'm managing to move on with my life. I can't be a slave to those feelings.

 

I've been trying to get to a point that if my ex came back, I wouldn't take her back. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm at the point though that I wouldn't just jump back into a new relationship with her, we'd need to fix the issues that were the demise of our relationship first. Thankfully, she hasn't cheated on me nor did she disrespect me in any way. In your case, what she did can't really be "fixed" nor forgiven. It's too big.

 

But one fact remains, she will always remain the one who dumped me once. That will never change. That alone should be enough to not want a relationship with her again because I would never be fully secure in the relationship. I'd always have the fear in the back of my head that she could leave again. I'm trying to convince myself of that. It's a long process...

 

Sorry, there's no easy solution to your situation. NC is one aspect of it but it's not enough. You really gotta take your life off pause for her, keep yourself busy that you don't have time to think about her. I agree that dating again is not a good idea, you don't seem ready for it. But casual hookups on Tinder with clear expectations that you're not looking for a r/s might be a nice distraction.

[BC1980]

It's a fair point about the engaging. I think she probably reestablished contact BECAUSE I dropped off the grid, but ... if there's ever a chance to start again, how on earth would NC help at this point (and yes, I know that's not the purpose of NC).

 

What I mean to say is that surely communication has to start somewhere? And ignoring someone who you WANT to talk to when they reach out seems counterproductive.

 

And of course I'd consider taking her back. I doubt my self esteem would be any greater if I allow myself to enter some worthless relationship one/ten/twenty years from now with someone whose companionship I would, at best, tolerate because they're not my ex.

 

It seems that's what most people do, but I don't want that life for myself or any potential future partner.

 

But her reason for communicating with you is not to reconcile. I know that one of your main problems had been trying to figure out why she keeps contacting you. I'd suggest you ask her next time she texts you. Just get it straight from the horse's mouth. NC helps because it makes you appear in control and that you don't need her. You automatically become more attractive if she thinks she can't have you. Same with you. You can't have this girl, so you think she is the only one who you can love. You've completely devalued yourself and made yourself look incredibly weak because she rejected you.

 

You are in some of the deepest denial I have seen since I have been posting here. You think you actually have a chance at reconciliation with her. You fancy that her occasionally texting you would be the basis to establish communication and start over. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with such a low opinion of themselves. It's really heartbreaking.

[Earlybird2016]

Ah, but see, I'm not saying you should bury your feelings. I think that's the worst thing you can do right now. I think you should own your feelings as a means of working through the stages of grief. Your problem is that you've become a permanent resident of the denial stage. It's normal to feel some degree of denial that it's done forever, but your life becomes stuck in a vortex if you allow yourself to remain in this stage.

 

I'm not the person who's going to say you should just be over it all because of how she treated you. Honestly, I think relationships that end with such horrible circumstances are the ones that are the most difficult to get past. They can traumatize us.

 

I would advocate some counseling, if for no other reason than to help you work through some of the self-esteem issues I do believe are making moving past this more difficult than it already is.

 

I've taken seven months of cognitive behavioural therapy (starting before her contact) and I'm on anti-anxiety medication. What came out of the therapy wasn't that I'm suffering because of self-esteem issues. This ultimately is all transient stuff, but I have a great job, lots of friends, plenty of attention from women etc. Certainly enough to keep my confidence ay a decent level.

 

I COULD get another partner, one who'd treat me better. I DON'T feel I'm in denial about being able to get back together. The issue is that I deny the concept of moving on because I understand how unlikely it is that someone else will match her good qualities.

 

Different is easy, piece of cake. Better? More wanted? Not so much.

[Earlybird2016]

But her reason for communicating with you is not to reconcile. I know that one of your main problems had been trying to figure out why she keeps contacting you. I'd suggest you ask her next time she texts you. Just get it straight from the horse's mouth. NC helps because it makes you appear in control and that you don't need her. You automatically become more attractive if she thinks she can't have you. Same with you. You can't have this girl, so you think she is the only one who you can love. You've completely devalued yourself and made yourself look incredibly weak because she rejected you.

 

You are in some of the deepest denial I have seen since I have been posting here. You think you actually have a chance at reconciliation with her. You fancy that her occasionally texting you would be the basis to establish communication and start over. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with such a low opinion of themselves. It's really heartbreaking.

 

I've said a few times on here that I don't feel a reconciliation is viable, but it's human nature to want things or situations that would improve one's life, so I don't know that hoping for better equates with denial? If I was hoping for a lottery win, that means I'm deluding myself that I'm a millionaire?

 

Yes, I want to hope that her contact is a good sign. I've initiated NONE of it, nothing for months. I've been through it before on here, but guilt, ego, whatever, none of that seems to be her reason.

 

And no, it's not a "can't have so I want" scenario. Even my ego isn't so fragile. Whether she reciprocates or not, I want her because I love her, and some enforced chemical withdrawl like NC is unlikely to change that. I daresay people torn from people they love through circumstances in days before text and email etc could vouch for such persistence of the heart.

[NopeNah]

I've said a few times on here that I don't feel a reconciliation is viable, but it's human nature to want things or situations that would improve one's life, so I don't know that hoping for better equates with denial? If I was hoping for a lottery win, that means I'm deluding myself that I'm a millionaire?

 

Yes, I want to hope that her contact is a good sign. I've initiated NONE of it, nothing for months. I've been through it before on here, but guilt, ego, whatever, none of that seems to be her reason.

 

And no, it's not a "can't have so I want" scenario. Even my ego isn't so fragile. Whether she reciprocates or not, I want her because I love her, and some enforced chemical withdrawl like NC is unlikely to change that. I daresay people torn from people they love through circumstances in days before text and email etc could vouch for such persistence of the heart.

What's your "end game" with this? She gets married to the other guy, then you move on?

[Blanco]

At some point, though, this obsession with her becomes a detriment to your life. It sounds like it's already at that point. It sounds corny, but if you truly love her as much as you say you do, then you'd find some acceptance in your heart that she's apparently in a situation that brings her happiness.

[Earlybird2016]

What's your "end game" with this? She gets married to the other guy, then you move on?

 

There is no "end game", just as there's no worthwhile "moving on".

 

They MAY get married, and soonish, given the speed of their relationship milestones, but a ring on her finger won't change anything for me? I don't really get the point of your question, sorry.

 

A marriage is no different to the current circumstances of her living with a guy, or being in a different city, or whatever. They're all still indicators that she's not with me, and that's the reality I'm dealing with. I've said about 12 times on here that a successful reconciliation is all but impossible at this point.

 

There seems to be a rather confusing view that, as her relationship (or at least her distance from me) intensifies, that there should be some approximate proportionate diminishing of my feelings for her? How is that love? It's not a principle of physics, surely?

[Blanco]

There seems to be a rather confusing view that, as her relationship (or at least her distance from me) intensifies, that there should be some approximate proportionate diminishing of my feelings for her? How is that love? It's not a principle of physics, surely?

 

That's not love. That's an obsession.

 

I'll admit, it's a little unsettling that you don't think there's anything wrong with staying as emotionally invested in a woman who's building a life with another man.