She contacted me again after months

[basil67]

Hi

 

I'm hoping for some advice. My background story is on here under "she contacted after months" (sorry, don't know how to link to threads).

 

Long story short, we broke up nearly nine months ago. She's still with the guy she left me for. She's contacted a few times in the last few months, supposedly just to chat. I've kept the conversations upbeat (I'm hoping to reconcile at some point), not brought up the relationship etc. I was pretty destroyed in the months following the break up but she doesn't know that.

 

Now, a mutual friend has posted some photos on fb of a night out from a few months ago. At the time I was down to about 123 pounds, wasn't sleeping etc, and look like hell.

 

I've always kept my own social media positive, and I look/feel better now.But my ex saw the pics and knowing her, I think at some point she's going to ask about my health.

 

Do I be honest? I've worked hard not to SEEM needy or broken, but is there any value in being honest after nearly nine months about how badly it hit me?

 

Any advice welcome.

 

You don't have to lie about how down you've been. Nor do you have to be honest.

 

If she messages you a question, just don't answer. Better yet, block her.

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

 

I realise that we've all had similar experiences and all have each other's best interests at heart, but advocating a blanket blocking policy doesn't really address my situation. I quit "orbiting her life" in the middle of February, and didn't check her social media or initiate contact with her until I tested the waters with a birthday card in May. All the contact since has been initiated by her.

 

Yes, I want to reconcile, because with nine months to think about it, I actually am still in love with my ex, far away from the chemical withdrawl symptoms that we've all been through. The actual love aspect is perhaps dismissed in the scramble to go total no contact forever, even when an ex reestablishes contact.

 

I really do appreciate the answers, but would anyone have any thoughts more specific to the question I asked?

 

Thanks

[mg4514]

The people here are answering your question specifically, and better still, are giving you great advice. So let me take a shot at it.

 

No. You don't tell her what you've been going through. And here is why. It's none of her business. She made a concious decision to remove you from her life. She doesn't get the benefit any longer of stepping in, and stepping out, to "catch up" or find out what you've been up to. She's gone. She made a decision. She weighed the pros and cons. She deliberated. And she CONCLUDED, her life would be better off without you. These are all very painful things to hear, but we've all been through it.

 

What we are trying to say is: the longer you try to hold on, the more you analyze these messages and contacts, the longer you're going to swim in this pool of uncertainty in your mind. There is no uncertainty in her mind. She contacts you because it alleviates her guilt. She's using you to make herself feel better, and it's selfish.

[privategal]

To the question you asked then (while I still feel like you should move on) I do not think she needs to know you being to skinny and not looking well was a result of the breakup trauma. Unless she is completely ignorant I'm sure she could peice that together on her own but if you spent ALL that time not seeming broken desperate or needy, then telling her would undo that and would also serve no purpose.

 

Also, wanting a girl back who has a boyfriend speaks a little about your character. Do you apply for other people's jobs in your department? It's the same thing.

She is unavailable and I wonder if her boyfriend knows she still talks to her ex often. Likely not so she also has loose character for hiding things from her boyfriend. This is the type of girl she is. If she came back...she would likely text him behind your back as well.

 

She broke up. OK, you love her, but love isn't always enough. It was a break up because it's broken. You could have been almost healed and moved onto a new chapter but instead your living in the past. She has the best of both worlds, you have nothing but false hope and its all because she reaches out. That's a bad position for you to be in. You have her on a pedestal but if she wanted you back, she'd simply break up with him and attempt to reconcile. Here you are waiting when life is actually waiting for YOU to snap our of it. It's over, sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, she doesn't need to know about your health.

 

I'm not sure why you're mulling over this when she thus far she hasn't asked anything. No need to waste mental energy on a hypothetical.

 

I am sensing you hope she does ask, though. Is that a fair assumption?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm going to be completely honest with you. No advice any of us give you will help you win her back. I'm sorry but it's true.

 

This conversation you are anticipating or hoping for isn't going to work in your favor, no matter what you say. If you tell her that you looked unwell as a result of how devastated you were by the breakup she might feel some sense of guilt, but more likely she will just pity you. Alternatively, you brush it off as no big deal and continue the charade that everything is fine then she will keep you in the friend zone because you are cool with it.

 

I can't help but feel annoyed on your behalf. While you are putting all this thought and feeling into this, she is off with another man, talking, laughing, cuddling, and making love to him. What about you? Don't you deserve some love and comfort instead of putting yourself on hold, waiting and hoping for her to change her mind?

 

Like I said, it just doesn't seem right. You should be out there exploring new possibilities with a new woman who is faithful to you alone.

 

You shouldn't be stuck in limbo like this. At the end of the day this is your decision, I just don't think it is a wise one.

 

I wish you the best.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

 

I realise that we've all had similar experiences and all have each other's best interests at heart, but advocating a blanket blocking policy doesn't really address my situation. I quit "orbiting her life" in the middle of February, and didn't check her social media or initiate contact with her until I tested the waters with a birthday card in May. All the contact since has been initiated by her.

 

Yes, I want to reconcile, because with nine months to think about it, I actually am still in love with my ex, far away from the chemical withdrawl symptoms that we've all been through. The actual love aspect is perhaps dismissed in the scramble to go total no contact forever, even when an ex reestablishes contact.

 

I really do appreciate the answers, but would anyone have any thoughts more specific to the question I asked?

 

Thanks

 

This is your problem.

 

My answer remains the same.

 

Get to the point where you just don't care what she thinks.

 

I know unrequited love is a b*** to deal with but you have to get on with it and recognise it for what it is.

[Blanco]

Just so you know, if she does ask about your health and you're honest, that won't change a thing between you two. Maybe she'll feel a tinge of guilt, but it's not going to move the needle one bit in terms of her romantic feelings for you.

 

You need to take and process the good insights people are giving you on this, because right now, it seems like you're still waiting for someone to chime in and say what you want to hear; not what you need to hear.

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks everyone!

 

You've all made very valid and accurate points, many uncomfortable to read but truths nonetheless.

 

I think the key issue for me is believing that to give up my hopes of a reconciliation means accepting that I'll most likely never experience a relationship of such love and compassion ever again. That's a bitter pill to swallow. People in my life have echoed a lot of your views, enthusing that I move on to someone new, but to effectively "make do" or "settle" for a less fulfilling future relationship is a crime, both in forcing myself to live a lie and even worse, to deprive a prospective partner of meeting someone who actually might care for them in a meaningful way. I don't want that for me or anyone else.

 

I KNOW she's unlikely to come back, and even if she did it would most likely be an emotional storm that neither of us could weather. I KNOW that. But I'm human, and as broken as we've all been, and I'm frightened to lose that hope.

 

Thanks, folks

[LD1990]

False hope kills your healing process. You can't truly heal and move on with your life if you're still living in a fantasy land.

 

If you really think about it logically, you're looking at this entire thing backwards. You're clinging to the very unlikely idea of your ex coming back, while at the same time ruling out the idea that any of the other billions of women on this planet could make you as happy in a relationship as she did.

 

It's painful to get dumped. But there comes a point where you have to dust yourself off and accept the reality of your situation, which is that she's gone and never coming back. Once you do that you can really start to rebuild your self-respect because right now, yours is at a minimum. The fact that you're so desperate to be with a woman that treated you so poorly demonstrates that.

[Earlybird2016]

My self esteem HAS taken a (permanent?) downturn. That aside, I agree, false hopes and fantasies ARE the killer, which is why I can't afford to entertain the false hope that I could be in a relationship again, or the fantasy that I could care for someone else.

 

Everyone online and in real life concurs that she's not coming back, despite her minimal efforts at contact. Everyone in real life says that I should settle for someone I haven't met yet but I'll never love, as though eating dog vomit because I can't have steak is a worthy option. I don't want to treat a woman like that, it's cruel and deprives another person of love in their life.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate them.

Edited August 30, 2016 by Earlybird2016
typo

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think the key issue for me is believing that to give up my hopes of a reconciliation means accepting that I'll most likely never experience a relationship of such love and compassion ever again. That's a bitter pill to swallow. People in my life have echoed a lot of your views, enthusing that I move on to someone new, but to effectively "make do" or "settle" for a less fulfilling future relationship is a crime, both in forcing myself to live a lie and even worse, to deprive a prospective partner of meeting someone who actually might care for them in a meaningful way. I don't want that for me or anyone else.

 

What love and compassion was she showing you when she left you for another man? None.

 

I don't understand why anyone would tell you to "make do" or "settle". That is not what I was suggesting. I think it is time to look for an upgrade!

 

You will find someone better! At the moment you have oneitis, but if you ever got her back you would forever be on eggshells waiting for the next time she leaves for another guy.

 

Get out there and have some fun!

[smudge21]

Hang on - so if I'm reading your excuses not to move on right, you feel that she is the only one who you will ever love (despite the fact she doesn't love you) and because of that, you feel that letting go and jumping into another relationship would be unfair on the other person. Therefore, you feel it's best alround that you live the rest of your entire life in hope, waiting for that one day that will never come, when this girl who doesn't care for you one bit, comes running back. Of course, by that time, after many years of you kissing her arse, she will have zero respect for you, and just treat you like a servant.

 

Have I got that right?

 

Okay, first off, what's with this thinking that you MUST jump straight into a new relationship? Why not just be single and live your life, letting things happen naturally rather than forcing your life to be one way or the other. Focus on you, your life, your career, your family and friends. Don't even consider a new relationship when you're still grasping onto the last one.

 

As for her being the only one you'll ever love... well I'd love to take a poll of everyone here who thought they'd met THE ONE! I've met the one about five times now. Besides, face the facts for crying out loud - she doesn't love you. She left and has started a new life. Yes, that sucks, hurts like hell. Believe me, I know how hard it is to accept but until you do, this is where you will remain - posting here or asking friends and getting the same responses; the responses you sadly don't want to hear.

 

You really don't want help as you're too closed off to reality in regards this. What you want is for someone to tell you it's okay to continue your life like this as one day she will come back. Well if that makes you sleep better, then who knows, maybe. Probably got more chance of winning the lottery, three times a week, for a year, with the same numbers. But hey ho, live in hope, remain there and watch your life slip by whilst she and everyone else just gets on with theirs.

 

I know I'm sounding harsh here, but having been there, living in hope and watching my life slip away, I only wish someone had given me a few more verbal slaps... but sadly we all heal and let go on our own time. You will too... but clearly not for a while yet. I've read about people still hanging around their exs even when they've got married and had kids - please don't be one of them. Forget trying to find answers to those questions no one knows, and stop making excuses not to move on. Let this one go. She had her chance and blew it. Her loss.

[DarrenB]

You've definitely handled the situation alot better than I and many other people would have done. So kudos to you on that behalf.

 

You say she's moved on, what about you? have you done the same since? do you see any changes still at this point in time in the things you do?

 

I think asking yourself these types of questions, and comparing it from being with her up to now, can definitely tell you what you're trying to achieve and realize here.

 

All and all, I think along down the line, friendship might be a good option? but at the sametime, re-kindling and 'sparks' might come back, and that might no be a good option especially if you find other people.

 

All the best on this!

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks everyone for the responses so far.

 

I guess I'm posting here today because ... it's one of the increasingly frequent days where I feel like I can't cope with this in any constructive or positive way. It's almost nine months since she left me for the guy she's still with, and I feel like I've run out of options as regards recovery and healing.

 

Nothing has dulled the emotional agony. No family or friends, no exercise or work. No other woman. No meds or therapy. None of it.

 

Time is meant to heal, but surely after nine months I should feel even SLIGHTLY better? Not still crying every day, not still having her in my head 24 hours a day with no respite? Not still comforting myself with the thought that one day I'll be dead and thus won't have to suffer?

 

I just needed to vent. I just wish that venting helped.

[marky00]

OP,

 

 

I can empathise with you because I have done the same as you.

 

 

In my case, In would say maybe about 1 year or so before she broke it off, in my mind I reached a point where I decided I didn't want to try another relationship, she was the one. Of course, while this was happening, I was going through personal issues that was affecting the relationship. She judged my actions, not my true inner thoughts which is fair enough but still sucks.

 

 

I'm at the same point as you. Last year, I didn't let go, I contacted maybe every 2 months or so and well yes that did lead to us meeting up for a holiday this year. Holiday was decent but something big was missing, there was no "I'm sorry" talk or anything like that. Unless she is willing to talk about the past and settle that score, there really is no moving forward.

 

 

This time around, rather than having a break-up as such, she just said one weird thing in a text (I got the hint) and we haven't spoken for a month.

 

 

I haven't done anything silly so if I contacted, she probably would take the call but I know it won't get me anywhere.

 

 

There is a part of me that wonders why for someone who has confessed her feelings diminished has been responsive to my occasional reach-outs. Honestly I have thought like 20 times, I'd contact and she tell me to go away and never contact again. That is the bit that drives the hope and sometimes I do feel like pressing the situation to the point that all hope is lost.

 

 

Based on my experience, I do feel your ex contacting you is mainly contacting you out of guilt. As a guy I find that odd because if I hurt someone the last thing I'd want to do is continually talk to that person. But for some reason, some people (girls more so than guys) think that contacting you and pretending they care makes them look better and relieves guilt (sadly for the recipient it does the very opposite).

 

 

OP, there is not much you can do now.

 

 

You have shown you cared which is all you can do.

Edited September 4, 2016 by marky00

[Earlybird2016]

Marky00, thanks for responding. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time.

 

I guess I'm at the stage where I'm actually jealous that you got to see your ex in person again (and yes, I know that without reconcilliation on the cards, meeting again isn't a good thing).

 

That said, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned all of this, but there's been a handful of times where I've honestly tried to give up "hope".

 

Example: After trying to talk to her for a little while, I unfollowed her social media. Her settings were private, and I thought not seeing anything would help me move forward. A couple of weeks later, a mutual friend told me that she'd gone public (for the first time). So yeah, from time to time, I've looked :/ My bad.

 

Also, when we didn't talk for nearly six months, again I thought I could let the hope go. Until she got in touch ...

 

I obviously have some responsiblity to reject these contacts, and not to check FB etc, but these little openings of the door are making it difficult.

[Blanco]

You aren't getting better because you're still holding onto hope that she's coming back. It really is as simple as that.

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco, I'm sure that there's a HUGE element of truth in what you're saying - of course I'm holding onto hope, because every aspect of my life is diminished without her presence. I'd be inhuman to not hope for the return of something/someone that I KNOW could improve my mindset and circumstances.

 

I can't kill the hope (even if I know killing it would be the best thing for me right now) no matter how much I've tried, no matter how much I've rationalised, no matter how much I've gone over the bones of our relationship and realistically assessed her bad points (and mine). There are no rosy glasses and the woman has long since fallen from the pedestal.

 

She's not the ONE (philosophically speaking) but she IS the one that I want to be with, flaws and all, because that's what I believe love is. The problem is that NO aspect of life is sufficient to offset the loss of her, and that knowledge is what I struggle with.

 

And thank you for your reply. I know I'm very sure of my views, but I truly hope they never come across as being ungrateful or dismissive of the advice that you or anyone else here has offered so far.

[marky00]

Blanco, I'm sure that there's a HUGE element of truth in what you're saying - of course I'm holding onto hope, because every aspect of my life is diminished without her presence. I'd be inhuman to not hope for the return of something/someone that I KNOW could improve my mindset and circumstances.

 

I can't kill the hope (even if I know killing it would be the best thing for me right now) no matter how much I've tried, no matter how much I've rationalised, no matter how much I've gone over the bones of our relationship and realistically assessed her bad points (and mine). There are no rosy glasses and the woman has long since fallen from the pedestal.

 

She's not the ONE (philosophically speaking) but she IS the one that I want to be with, flaws and all, because that's what I believe love is. The problem is that NO aspect of life is sufficient to offset the loss of her, and that knowledge is what I struggle with.

 

And thank you for your reply. I know I'm very sure of my views, but I truly hope they never come across as being ungrateful or dismissive of the advice that you or anyone else here has offered so far.

 

 

Well said. I agree with you.

 

 

That's exactly how I feel about my ex.

 

 

We know that NC is good for us, we know that chasing makes us look silly but these are only small victories in the grand scheme of things.

[Captivating]

The fact that you suffered so much should be reason enough to never let her back into your life. You haven't healed or moved on because you keep allowing her to talk to you. She's with someone and reconciling isn't in HER cards, but the false hope of her talking to you is causing you to hold on while all it does for her is not make her feel like the bad guy and stroke her ego.

 

EXACTLY like Privategal said!

You still keep her on the pedestal for some reason, don't.

If you were a great boyfriend to her you should not have any regrets.

She gave up on your relationship which decision she might regret on day,

maybe 2, 4, 6 years from now......or maybe not. This is something that she has to live with and you should not be waiting around for.

 

She might be texting you for an ego stroke or feeling guilt or keeping you around as Plan B.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE PLAN B, do you ????

Also, you would never be able to fully trust her again. If she did it once most likely she will do it again.

 

Your priority should be working on your self-esteem and setting firm boundaries, standards for your relationships from now on.

 

This breakup was very hard on you, it even affected your health.

You should cut all contacts with her, let her feel your rejection.

It will be something she is very unfamiliar with.

[Earlybird2016]

EXACTLY like Privategal said!

You still keep her on the pedestal for some reason, don't.

If you were a great boyfriend to her you should not have any regrets.

She gave up on your relationship which decision she might regret on day,

maybe 2, 4, 6 years from now......or maybe not. This is something that she has to live with and you should not be waiting around for.

 

She might be texting you for an ego stroke or feeling guilt or keeping you around as Plan B.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE PLAN B, do you ????

Also, you would never be able to fully trust her again. If she did it once most likely she will do it again.

 

Your priority should be working on your self-esteem and setting firm boundaries, standards for your relationships from now on.

 

 

This breakup was very hard on you, it even affected your health.

You should cut all contacts with her, let her feel your rejection.

It will be something she is very unfamiliar with.

 

This is a great viewpoint. I don't even believe that I'm as high on the list as a Plan B, to be honest. The point about self-esteem is a good one but ... I don't seem to be thought of as especially unattractive. I get some attention (more so since the break up) but there's no ego stroke about that for me (in terms of self-esteem). Even if I didn't think it would be a cruel and unfair idea to date someone while I'm clearly still in love with my ex, ultimately I'm not interested, for exactly the same loving reasons I had no interest in other women when my ex and I were together.

 

I can't see a way out of this. The only thing that keeps me from jumping under a train or something is the fear that she'd blame herself. It's not the past or the now that's the worst. It's the very clear sense that without her, I don't have any kind of meaningful future.

[marky00]

I'm with you.

 

 

And yes, the more you go deeper, you start feeling like Plan Z.

 

 

And that's even when u contain yourself, act composed. Sometimes they will put a wall up just because you gave a simple compliment.

 

 

At the end of the day, stay as strong as you can regarding the No Contact. I'm about 30 days now, how about you?

 

 

Don't worry about it being NC forever. Just set small targets. And don't worry about all this business about going to the gym and making 200 friends. All you need to do right now is No contact.

 

 

Everyday you hold on, you are levelling the playing field and you stop getting hurt and you don't need that extra pain right now.

 

 

And as I said, if your mind is made up that you will try contact again, that's ok but do not do it now. The rule of thumb should always be that if your going to contact, make sure its after a period of time longer than might be expected by your ex. So, if in the past you have been reaching out every 2 weeks, make sure now its at least 3 weeks.

 

 

As you increase the periods of NC, two things happen. 1).You start to become stronger because you know you can go NC for longer. 2) You give her space which is needed for her to slowly drop her guard and then you get a more true representation of how she feels.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat. But from my experience, contacting now is not a good plan.

 

 

If you really do feel this way about her, then all the more reason to act in the right way now. A lot of dumpers come on here and actually state that what dumpees do post breakup leaves a lasting impression as to whether they made the right decision. So if for that reason alone, resist the urge to break No Contact for now.

[Nadine123]

I was just ghosted a couple of weeks ago and let me tell you something even if it is harsh.

 

You were worthless enough for her to leave you in this way. If she cared or respected you, she would have atleast communicated with you. I did a mistake of going back to my ex to then be ghosted because he wanted an ego boost.

 

Dont contact her or reply to her text. She doesnt care about you and never will. end of story and sorry to be harsh again.

[Earlybird2016]

Marky00 - the NC tally? Well, she left for the other guy a few days before Christmas (she sent me a text when I was in work). Then from my side, a handful of texts, an email and a letter, inviting her to contact, sent maybe two weeks apart, all with no response.

 

I stopped in the middle of February, unfriended on social media etc so I couldn't break NC by looking and hopefully start to heal (her settings were private so unfriending automatically locked me out). She made everything public about two weeks later.

 

I didn't attempt contact until the beginning of May, with a very simple Best Wishes birthday card. No response from her, but her sister text a few days later to say my ex appreciated it.

 

Nothing then until the end of May, when she initiated a text convo on my birthday. Friendly enough. Since then there's been another four text catch-ups, all initiated by her, the last being about a week ago.

 

So NC is kind of muddled. I haven't initiated, or mentioned the relationship, or begged for her back. I haven't asked about her current relationship, partly so as to not fuel her ego. She's dropped hints (eg she doesn't drive but mentions travelling by car to work from the city where she lives with him now) but she's never mentioned a new relationship directly. Everything I know about it is from the social media etc discussed by mutual friends.

 

And Nadine - Yes, you're right. There's no way a relationship could restart under the current circumstances, but it still feels like unfinished business for me.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Earlybird2016
typo