She contacted me again after months

[Nadine123]

I completely understand, trust me. I just posted a while back about how I cant move on because there is no closure.

 

Don't respond. I would give anything for my ex to reach back to me and for me not to respond back. Move on. Someone who cares about you would never ever leave you this way. Think about it, would you have ever hurt her like that if you didnt want to be with her anymore?

 

You feel like it is unfinished business because you dont have closure. If you get sucked into that circle again, you have noone to blame but yourself

[marky00]

ok, mine went to another guy as well so I know the feeling.

 

 

And yes your contact pattern was somewhat similar to mine. Although, she didn't initiate as much as your has recently. This is 2015 I'm talking about.

 

 

You did the same as me, you did some contact and backed off for a few months. I did exactly the same thing. I just felt like 3 months into a new relationship, its just going to be too ugly.

 

 

I did get the BDAY text and it was awful. Was like a robot spat out a random message. And the message was 3 days late (on purpose I'm sure because I'm pretty sure she has some type of Bday reminder app going on).

 

 

Anyway as the months progressed, there was limited contact, probably once every 6 weeks or so. This contact was mainly initiated by me although she did sometimes text as well. Each time I called, she sounded more receptive and was even prepared to talk about our relationship and the breakup. That was a bit of a surprise. Each time, she sounded more forgiving and more open. It was weird.

 

 

Anyway towards the end of 2015, she was acting very odd and I found out in Jan 2016 they had broken up.

 

 

Fast tracking ahead, that lead to us meeting for a holiday in April. Holiday was decent but there was something missing for sure.

 

 

Anyway, been NC for 30 days after she pretty much ghosted me. She delayed a reply to one of my texts and I took the hint. Nothing said since.

 

 

I think what is going on in your case is now that she is 6 months into this new relationship, she probably feels less threatened to open up to you. It might also be the case she isn't 100 percent happy. Because you disappeared for those 3 months, didn't act all crazy towards her, is why you are talking now. Not saying that necessarily a good thing but it is what it is.

 

 

Oh and yes, mine never talked about her bf as well. Not once. Just admitted she was unhappy a few times.

Edited September 5, 2016 by marky00

[LD1990]

Healing takes time, especially with a relationship as long as the one you had, and it's pretty damn difficult to heal when you're still in contact with your ex. Hence why so many people recommend following NC, including blocking your ex and not checking social media.

 

A big part of the reason it's still so hard for you is because you've stayed in touch and know what your ex has been doing. Sure, you were NC for about 2 1/2 months, but that really isn't that long, especially after a 4-year relationship.

 

I'm sure you've heard of the phrase "fake it 'til you make it." It works better than you might think. Altering your thoughts and actions can be a big help. Right now you sound like you're just wallowing in misery, thinking about how perfect this girl is for you. Start thinking about how great your life can be, even without her. You may not believe it now, but if you commit to thinking positively, eventually that will change.

 

I went through a rough breakup too, and I had all the same thoughts you did - she's the only one for me, my life will never be as good without her, blah blah blah. Then I started shifting my mindset, thinking positively about my future and the benefits of not being with my ex anymore. And at first, it was all just bull**** that I was forcing myself to think, but over time, I started to really believe it.

 

I also checked social media too much. I figured whatever, it's not really hurting me anymore, I can keep checking. Eventually I forced myself to stop, and you know what? Since I have, I've thought about her so much less than before.

 

What I'm saying is NC has helped me a ton, and judging from many of the other posts on this forum, I'm far from the only one with a similar experience. It's hard as hell to do, but you'll be better off for it.

[Captivating]

This is a great viewpoint. I don't even believe that I'm as high on the list as a Plan B, to be honest. The point about self-esteem is a good one but ... I don't seem to be thought of as especially unattractive. I get some attention (more so since the break up) but there's no ego stroke about that for me (in terms of self-esteem). Even if I didn't think it would be a cruel and unfair idea to date someone while I'm clearly still in love with my ex, ultimately I'm not interested, for exactly the same loving reasons I had no interest in other women when my ex and I were together.

 

I can't see a way out of this. The only thing that keeps me from jumping under a train or something is the fear that she'd blame herself. It's not the past or the now that's the worst. It's the very clear sense that without her, I don't have any kind of meaningful future.

 

I meant self-esteem in a sense of self-respect, not attractiveness.

How others perceive you has a lot to do how you perceive yourself.

She runs off with someone, "ghosted you", didn't give a sh.. how it will affect you......you on the other hand send her birthday wishes although you are deeply affected by all of this. She was very disrespectful with you.

So if someone sh..s on you, you should turn your back on that person.

You are NOT a doormat. If you don't value yourself as worthy she won't either.

 

Being in love is an addiction, it supposed to be innervated at the same spot of the brain where drug addiction is at.

Everyone's threshold is different, it takes time to calm down and to move passed this highly emotional/anxious/depressed feeling.

It is unbearable at times and let me tell you it is completely normal.

Don't beat yourself up about it.....we have all been there. We all understand.

It will take time but you will get there, don't worry.

The "no contact" is a self preservation tool to focus on yourself and heal faster, instead of messing with the wound all the time by keeping in touch.

 

An interesting video:

 

There IS a way out of this, it requires time though. You are right, don't start dating just yet, maybe you could focus on yourself for a while.

[Blanco]

It feels like there's unfinished business on YOUR end, but that's only because you still want a relationship with her. Trust me when I say that it's likely that she considers there to be no loose ends with regards to a relationship with you. She's made up her mind.

 

You're going to waste an astounding amount of time if you don't block her number. Until you do that, she's just one text away from totally flipping your world upside down again.

[Earlybird2016]

I just wish I had the courage to end my life.

[Blanco]

Please seek some sort of counseling or, if necessary, call a suicide hotline. The fact that you're even posting like that says a lot about your state of mind. No one is worth ending your life over, least of all someone who cheats on you.

[Earlybird2016]

Blanco - thanks. I think I'm just venting. I've been on meds for about 8 months and finished seven months of cognitive behavioural therapy. To be honest, I'm fairly clear headed about my feelings and reactions and such, which is why the CBT was something of a dead end. There were no abandonment issues or anger or archetypal role model problems or whatever for the therapist to tackle.

 

I don't miss my ex because I need SOMEONE in my life, I miss her as an individual, with the combination of qualities and flaws unique to her (as we all have our combinations).

 

I haven't had physical contact with another person for nine months (not so much as a handshake, never mind anything more fun) and sometimes the weight of that and the likely future of that abstinence continuing gets to me.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I swear I'm just venting. Every dark thought I have like that is diluted by my fear of her blaming herself if I went through with it.

[Nadine123]

Hi

 

I hope you are okay. I know it is difficult but trust me you will move on, no matter how difficult it is. As I said before, I was ghosted by someone I really loved and I am going through many improvements.

 

and yes feeling lonely does make things worse but there are things you can do to make myself better. as stupid as this might sound to you, I went to a clothing store today and wasted time. I also joined a gym.

 

It will pass and as long as you are not taking any steps to improve it wont. what will you gain from ending your life? how about coming up with a list of the things you should be grateful for How about plan for a trip?

[Earlybird2016]

Hi Nadine

 

I'm okay, as I say just venting in the safe environment of the forum. Sorry for the bleak post.

 

And clothes shopping doesn't sound stupid to me at all. I'll admit I've absolutely thrown mysrlf into retail therapy these last nine months, as my straining wardrobe will testify! But they're clothes I'll never wear (I haven't been out socially since the breakup) so it's a double edged sword, if that makes sense.

 

And yes, I joined a gym a few months ago, got myself from around 123 pounds to a healthier weight

 

I'm glad to hear you're making improvements tho. I'm immensely grateful to everyone for all the support and advice, and I can see from your posts that you're a strong person. I know you'll be okay *hug*

[Nadine123]

* hugs right back*

 

and if you ever need to vent, feel free to share any single thing you want here. The amount of times I have asked the same questions over and over again is a billion times. Noone will get bored.

 

have a lovely day and get out there! Life is too short to be dwelling over this. ten years from now you want to think back (when you have got over this) about how you wasted your time thinking about this or all the awesome thing you did. Try watching narcos, its an awesome show. love and hugs

[Earlybird2016]

Okay ... so she text me again. I'm going to reply in a few hours, because the contacts are escalating in frequency, and while I plan to be as neutral and polite as I have been previously, I don't want to ignore the possibility of reconnecting.

 

She's likely to ask me about some photos a friend posted online from when I was still suffering physically from the breakup, and you guys have given me lots of options there so thanks.

 

All input welcome, and I'll update later ...

[Nadine123]

please dont reply back

[Earlybird2016]

Nadine - Genuine question ... why do you personally think I shouldn't?

[Nadine123]

Hello again

 

As mentioned before I was ghosted too and yes, it is hurtful and it sucks. People ghost you for two reasons, it's either than think you are worthless and cant even be bothered to give you an explanation or because they dont care. If she cared, she wouldnt have done what she did. Ive learnt to take people's actions as a way of communication and she has clearly communicated with you that she doesnt care.

 

There is no way to know what she's thinking. My ex kept on texting 24/7, probably more than your ex and it was all to take revenge by me replying back and then ghosting me. I'm not saying this is the case with her, but the fact that she hasnt even bothered all this time to contact you or check on you says enough. (p.s. first time I broke up with my bf, i called him to check how he is).

 

My point is, you have already been through alot. Why would you even want to be with a person like that. How do you know she wont do it again. From a female prespective, I can assure you that she just needs attention or an ego boost. Im a bit surprised why you are even considering fixing things with her? Is this the type of treatment you think you are worth?

 

Think about this, would you have ever done this to her? I dont think so. So why would you want to be with someone who doesnt love and most importantly, respect you.

 

Sorry about the lengthy reply, but I hope you don't do the same mistake I did by replying because I was hurt, pathetic, and desperate. By the way, when you respond back, then can quickly sense your clingness and believe me, you dont deserve this at all even if you dont see it now

[Blanco]

What the heck am I reading that you're still wanting to "reconnect" with her?!

 

Think of it this way: She had so little respect for you by the end of your relationship that her way of breaking up with you (after cheating) was to simply vanish.

 

Unless she's insane, you playing Mr. Nice Guy texting is only going to reinforce the idea that she was right to have little respect for you.

 

If she ever catches wind that you would take her back, you're a dead man walking. She'll know she's got a total putz in her back pocket who will permit her to gallivant with other men if she so feels inclined.

[marky00]

been there done that.

 

 

here's the issue I found.

 

 

even when I was totally nonchalant and just on a holiday with my ex, bit of sex, some snorkelling etc... pretty cruisy.

 

 

but u know what, despite all that, either she can read through me or something but I do think somehow she would still find ways to disrespect.

 

 

It can be counter-intuitive but because here I was as the dumpee holding my own, standing my ground, doing what I wanted on the holiday...feeling like well I'm on a level playing field at least but the dumper just can't shake the image of the past I guess.

[LD1990]

Okay ... so she text me again. I'm going to reply in a few hours, because the contacts are escalating in frequency, and while I plan to be as neutral and polite as I have been previously, I don't want to ignore the possibility of reconnecting.

 

And this is why after 9 months you haven't healed at all. You're still keeping the lines of communication open when she dumped you and has a boyfriend.

 

She isn't coming back, not that you should even want her back in the first place after how she treated you. The way you're going, in another 9 months you'll still be asking people on a forum about every action and message your ex sends, clinging to that non-existent "possibility of reconnecting."

[lolablue17]

It's better for you to ignore her text. Why? For many reasons.

 

First, you have a massive problem of letting go. So, why don't you use this thing as an exercise of "letting go and not answering". Yes, it's hard but it's an exercise which meant for you to improve you "letting go" skills. You may be under an attack of additional texts, and even angry ones. Each text is a good exercise.

 

Listen, you will never ever have her. And if there's a small chance to have her, this chance hides in ignoring her. Only if you treat her like $h!t, she will appreciate and respect you.

 

The mission - Don't reply her for at least 3 month. Can you do it? Why don't you try? :)

[Blanco]

I don't agree with the above if for no other reason than ignoring her with that mindset is just keeping the games going. OP should ignore (better yet, block) with the intent to disengage from this woman, who he will never again be with.

[marky00]

Listen, you will never ever have her. And if there's a small chance to have her, this chance hides in ignoring her. Only if you treat her like $h!t, she will appreciate and respect you.

 

The mission - Don't reply her for at least 3 month. Can you do it? Why don't you try? :)

 

 

lol, good advise. If only my ex would send me 1 breadcrumb, I would gladly ignore it.

 

 

Please send me that breadcrumb.

[Earlybird2016]

So I didn't reply, and now I've spent almost 24 hours consumed with a black, sickening dread that she won't contact again. She used a pet name I haven't heard since December.

 

This is horrible.

[Earlybird2016]

So I didn't reply, and now I've spent almost 24 hours consumed with a black, sickening dread that she won't contact again. She used a pet name I haven't heard since December.

 

This is horrible. I've made some childish little statement and let pride get in the way of a chance at future happiness.

 

Go me.

[marky00]

What little statement?

 

 

Yes, I got that pet name thing as well.

 

 

From what I recall, it was about 5 months post break-up when she used that name.

 

 

And yes, you kind of get a 6th sense when the contact isn't going to continue. They look for the cracks and read the signs but they forget that we too also know the signs. Its amazing how when you have been in an LTR for so long, a one word text or even no response at all tells 10000 words.

Edited September 8, 2016 by marky00

[Earlybird2016]

Marky00 - the statement of being juvenile enough to ignore what may be the first steps in testing the waters.

 

And who knows what she thinks? Ultimately what we have is six reach outs from her in four months, increasing in frequency, and me suddenly ignoring after responding positively five times.