"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Rea]

I guess I can't fathom how we need something that was never ours to begin with?

 

Spoken like a true addict I guess that's the grip of the addiction, so we keep going back for more.

 

I think if we want to get deeper into it, we need to look at what it is about ourselves that allows the MM to behave this way towards us. Why are we accepting of such repetitive behaviour, I mean it's not like they hold a gun to our heads. We are making our own choices too.

 

I guess it's like quitting any drug. You have to have reached breaking point to be able to make the very conscious decision to go full on cold turkey or put a plan in place to wean yourself off.

 

Whichever path you choose, try to cocoon yourself with alternatives to reaching out to him, especially as he seems really disrespectful of you.

[Rea]

Often times the only one we can talk to is the AP, the very source of our issues (or at least 1/2 the source...the other 1/2 being ourselves).

 

This is what goes a long way in keeping us in the game. The sheer isolation of the A!

[Rea]

Surprisingly, it's not the away I'm worried about. I do good during that time I guess bc I KNOW I can't talk to him. It's when he comes back is when it hits like a punch in the stomach. So far, my plan is to focus on the negatives and how bad he makes me feel.. And working on my body ( I'm an avid runner for stress relief), and trying to get my head on straight for my child. I've been so out of it the last month or so, I feel like I'm failing at the rest of my life.. The things and people that actually matter?

 

Sounds like you've already got control of this .

It's when you start to feel the rest of your life slide that can really give you the reality check to progress forward without him, or at the very minimum set strong boundaries around what you will accept.

 

You have a child, what a brilliant bundle of positivity to focus on. You can do this!

[Poppy47]

Sounds like you've already got control of this .

It's when you start to feel the rest of your life slide that can really give you the reality check to progress forward without him, or at the very minimum set strong boundaries around what you will accept.

 

You have a child, what a brilliant bundle of positivity to focus on. You can do this!

I like your post very much Rea.

 

I have been 10weeks absolute NC. I look around and find that the rest of my life and my work are in need of a lot of attention and it needs to be soon.

 

It is a wake up call!!!!

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

One time I didn't speak to him for ten days.. And he called me with some lame excuse.. That was a year or so ago, and it's always been me reaching out to him since. I am the enabler I guess. But I am so tired of it. Him making me feel like this is nothing and that he is just fine without it. I'm home alone tonight and almost thru an entire bottle of wine, and I am just so damn sad. I think after next week he's vacationing with the family for two weeks, time in which we won't be able to speak even if we were speaking (haha, maybe that was funny bc of the wine.) I hate myself for being a weak person.

 

Oh I know exactly what you mean.... I have always been the one to break NC. He broke it once. It was the longest we went... two weeks. And I think I told you before, same. I was doing good actually all it took was one text from him..." hope you are well and have a good weekend"

 

Don't think he is not in pain. Don't think he is not hurting. He is....That's why he is here in the first place. It's why your here. So work on you. YOU are not weak. You are not a weak person.

 

What are your truths? What is important to you?

LOST I broke NC in one day

 

But I find I get too wrapped up in that. For me personally it doesn't help. What is helping is IC. Writing journaling, reading about affairs personalities psych stuff. I'm already in my head constantly so might as well read about it....

[Chica80]

I feel like it's the little things...

 

Example: I had said no more contact...(that did not last obv)

Me: I thought you were going to break contact today for some reason

Him: No. I'm having a ****ty day. I'm not happy today.

 

So I ask what's wrong

Him: It's something I'll deal with. But I'm not going to pull you back in

 

This made me a little angry and annoyed. So yes I broke contact I admit.....but by telling me you are not happy and having a ****ty day....that is pulling back in. Whether you are super manipulative and now what you are doing or subconsciously.. Telling me something is wrong and then saying oh but I'm not going to talk to you about it. It just re establishes the roles we give ourselves in our relationship...

In our relationship we "take care of eachother" so as long as we stay in our "roles" we will continue to do the same thing.

 

LOST you are asking good questions....YOU started this great thread. So look inside yourself. Work on those things. Start with one small change.

[Rea]

I like your post very much Rea.

 

I have been 10weeks absolute NC. I look around and find that the rest of my life and my work are in need of a lot of attention and it needs to be soon.

 

It is a wake up call!!!!

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, 10 weeks - that's brilliant! You must feel proud of your progress. At least you are able to see that you need to be giving attention to the things that matter and make a difference to you, xMM NOT being one of them.

 

I am in very low contact now, general chat, how are you stuff. Definitely will not be restarting. The distance that has been put between us has given me a reality check on my life. I've woken up today feeling very positive.

[Outofmysystem]

Lost....my MOW would get upset from time to time, especially when we had to leave for the day.....we would argue, I wouldn't call, but it only lasted at most for a day and we were making up.....in the usual way if you know what I mean, so there you establish the "reward" once again.....but seriously, she and I worked at it (disagreement) like we were a couple and "together", she never liked to leave things unresolved (much to her credit I must say).....fast forward to the last month or so, she changed completely......hang ups on the phone, not answering for a long time or not at all, no emails, very cold and dare I say, "bitchy", which she never was before (she even described herself as a cold hearted bitch).....I assume that was the role she needed to play to make her stick to her decision......

 

And so far in the last 8 months, I've been the only one breaking NC.......even though we have had a few friendly texts, she's at full NC......last one was for a birthday gift I sent her.

[rumblefish12]

Well, I just lost my sh*t.....He basically told me his ego was just fine, and to have a good weekend. He would die before admitting he enjoys this.

 

First off you were totally justified losing it. With my XAP we had all kinds of ground rules at the start. This is just sex. No one falls in love. Blah blah blah. Those all went by the wayside but occasionally one of us would resurrects them like they still applied, mostly just to be hurtful or to make it seem like you didn't care (either to convince yourself or her).

 

What he said/did to you was a straight up ******* move. And I'm ashamed to say I probably pulled some similar stunt here and there. It doesn't mean he's a bad person though. It doesn't make it right but the MM is just as messed up in the head as the OW and is just floundering trying to figure out what the he'll is going on in my life.

 

Again it doesn't make it right and you definitely should stick to your guns. Dysfunction is the name of the game. It's unavoidable eventually in As in my opinion. I hesitate to tell you this as the MM but he's really hurting too. I hesitate to tell you that because I don't want it to cause you to reach out to him. The only way out of this is to be done. Him making you feel better or you making him feel better doesn't change the inevitable that this is a relationship with no future.

 

What happen so no the destabilization phase as near as I can tell is that the periods of bliss between breakups become less and less before you reach that inevitable point of frustration that I'm still doing this and it still is going nowhere. Toward the end my XAP and I would have breakups or blowouts every 2-3 weeks. How ridiculous is that? What's the point? It's addiction, that's the point.

 

She used to say to me "you love how much I love this don't you?" I would argue that it wasn't an ego thing and I just wanted her to be happy. That's what's my rational mind said to me. My emotional addict mind said I want to make her feel good and I want her to need me forever because it makes me feel so good. Junkie.

 

Keep NC and be free. I'm probably a little beyond 3 months NC and more good days than bad now. A lot less obsessing. A lot more gratitude for what I have. And trying to make up for the neglect to the rest of my life from the last three years. Lean on us here ok? I know I am

[Lostgirl186]

First off you were totally justified losing it. With my XAP we had all kinds of ground rules at the start. This is just sex. No one falls in love. Blah blah blah. Those all went by the wayside but occasionally one of us would resurrects them like they still applied, mostly just to be hurtful or to make it seem like you didn't care (either to convince yourself or her).

 

What he said/did to you was a straight up ******* move. And I'm ashamed to say I probably pulled some similar stunt here and there. It doesn't mean he's a bad person though. It doesn't make it right but the MM is just as messed up in the head as the OW and is just floundering trying to figure out what the he'll is going on in my life.

 

Again it doesn't make it right and you definitely should stick to your guns. Dysfunction is the name of the game. It's unavoidable eventually in As in my opinion. I hesitate to tell you this as the MM but he's really hurting too. I hesitate to tell you that because I don't want it to cause you to reach out to him. The only way out of this is to be done. Him making you feel better or you making him feel better doesn't change the inevitable that this is a relationship with no future.

 

What happen so no the destabilization phase as near as I can tell is that the periods of bliss between breakups become less and less before you reach that inevitable point of frustration that I'm still doing this and it still is going nowhere. Toward the end my XAP and I would have breakups or blowouts every 2-3 weeks. How ridiculous is that? What's the point? It's addiction, that's the point.

 

She used to say to me "you love how much I love this don't you?" I would argue that it wasn't an ego thing and I just wanted her to be happy. That's what's my rational mind said to me. My emotional addict mind said I want to make her feel good and I want her to need me forever because it makes me feel so good. Junkie.

 

Keep NC and be free. I'm probably a little beyond 3 months NC and more good days than bad now. A lot less obsessing. A lot more gratitude for what I have. And trying to make up for the neglect to the rest of my life from the last three years. Lean on us here ok? I know I am

 

Thank you, Rumblefish. I needed to read this this morning. I guess I'm embarrassed I've let my emotions show, and he's so indifferent (or at least acting that way). All I know is I hurt, more than anything. I guess that's the mind of an addict talking? Thank you all, for keeping me sane.

[Chica80]

Lost....my MOW would get upset from time to time, especially when we had to leave for the day.....we would argue, I wouldn't call, but it only lasted at most for a day and we were making up.....in the usual way if you know what I mean, so there you establish the "reward" once again.....but seriously, she and I worked at it (disagreement) like we were a couple and "together", she never liked to leave things unresolved (much to her credit I must say).....fast forward to the last month or so, she changed completely......hang ups on the phone, not answering for a long time or not at all, no emails, very cold and dare I say, "bitchy", which she never was before (she even described herself as a cold hearted bitch).....I assume that was the role she needed to play to make her stick to her decision......

 

And so far in the last 8 months, I've been the only one breaking NC.......even though we have had a few friendly texts, she's at full NC......last one was for a birthday gift I sent her.

 

OUT this sucks....the pain is real it sucks! But I totally agree with you what you said " the reward" its like the time together reinforces the "bad behavior" so you keep going back...

 

We do this too. The arguments I hate to leave things unresolved. I think it's one of the hard things about NC. In a weird way we "argue" in a healthier way. W my H we constantly had fights it was always round and round. Although we would make up the root of the problem was never resolved it was always underneath constantly getting re-opened and relived so to speak.

W AP when we get in a argument. The overall encompassing nature of our relationship is unhealthy its dysfunctional. But in a weird way we fix the small circle. Things I don't like that we have argued about he changes and vs versa. Am I making sense?

Edited July 2, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Outofmysystem]

OUT this sucks....the pain is real it sucks! But I totally agree with you what you said " the reward" its like the time together reinforces the "bad behavior" so you keep going back...

 

We do this too. The arguments I hate to leave things unresolved. I think it's one of the hard things about NC. In a weird way we "argue" in a healthier way. W my H we constantly had fights it was always round and round. Although we would make up the root of the problem was never resolved it was always underneath constantly getting re-opened and relived so to speak.

W AP when we get in a argument. The overall encompassing nature of our relationship is unhealthy its dysfunctional. But in a weird way we fix the small circle. Things I don't like that we have argued about he changes and vs versa. Am I making sense?

 

 

Complete sense......one thing I always did, and she would tell me, is I "learned" what things she liked and didn't like, and I tried to correct them going forward as opposed to her husband who didn't......he would just repeat the same things over and over and piss her off......that was the foundation to all of their fights....

 

That said, we also knew our time was limited together.....she was a very sexual woman, and she didn't want to waste time arguing about stuff that we couldn't solve.....she was all business when it came to her feeling good (as addicts are).....granted, so was I.......

[Lobe]

I guess I can't fathom how we need something that was never ours to begin with?

 

My WH's xOW actually congratulated me on "winning" my husband. Of course, being in the dark about the affair, I never realized it was a competition.

 

Reading this "episode" is gut-wrenching.

 

You're MM is a typical selfish bastard. I hate knowing my WH was like this.

 

What's the plan going forward?

[Lostgirl186]

My WH's xOW actually congratulated me on "winning" my husband. Of course, being in the dark about the affair, I never realized it was a competition.

 

Reading this "episode" is gut-wrenching.

 

You're MM is a typical selfish bastard. I hate knowing my WH was like this.

 

What's the plan going forward?

 

I love how you said "I never realized I was in competition." This hits home to me bc whenever I see his wife out, which is not much but living in the same town it does happen... I find myself constantly trying to compare and contrast myself to her. And you can't help but think "she doesn't do this this and that for him, if he were mine, i would make sure to keep him happy. " it's like I'm comparing everything, right down to the way I dress, to how she is, and she has no idea. I feel like a horrible person for even admitting that.

 

I'm hoping as far as going forward, that I can keep remembering how utterly horrible I've felt since he basically told me yesterday they his ego was fine and that him "wanting me" wasn't enough to justify his risks. My hardest times come during the workday, which is the times I want to talk to him simply bc i can...so I'm hoping that Tuesday when that urge hits, I can remember exactly how i feel right now (hurt, and humiliated about my blow up..) I've realized over the past day that the fear that if I go away he will forget me for good is what has been keeping me from letting go... Which is f*ucked up bc that's the whole purpose of NC, right??

[Outofmysystem]

I've realized over the past day that the fear that if I go away he will forget me for good is what has been keeping me from letting go... Which is f*ucked up bc that's the whole purpose of NC, right??

 

Yes it is....but, we all want to know we mattered, that they did care and loved us, they just couldn't continue for whatever reason.....no one likes to be used...and when it turns into some kind of adolescent, high school bullsh*t breakup, selfish tantrum fest, you just want to slap them ?

[Sabella]

Yes it is....but, we all want to know we mattered, that they did care and loved us, they just couldn't continue for whatever reason.....no one likes to be used...and when it turns into some kind of adolescent, high school bullsh*t breakup, selfish tantrum fest, you just want to slap them

 

Yes, one of the hardest things to deal with is the thought of being disposable. I spend way too much time pondering him as he seemingly has moved on and is skipping through life atm. I'm left wondering why I give him so much brain space to sort this out. It's really mostly a waste of time, but often I go there, and run things through my mind, over and over. It's utterly frustrating. Logically I know what I need to do, but my heart is still stuck.

[Lostgirl186]

Yes it is....but, we all want to know we mattered, that they did care and loved us, they just couldn't continue for whatever reason.....no one likes to be used...and when it turns into some kind of adolescent, high school bullsh*t breakup, selfish tantrum fest, you just want to slap them ?

 

I am really struggling today. Earlier I was at a stop sign, and he and what I like to refer to as "the happy family." Pulled into the road. He quickly turned his head the other direction toward her as if he wasn't going to dare look my direction. By all looks and appearances, they are perfect. It made me sick. It made me cry. And it ruined my day. And instead of me hating him for putting on this nice guy front to the world, I'm beating myself up over showing my emotional and ugly side the other day. Logically, my brain says I had every right bc he won't acknowledge that this is something he's caught up in too... But my heart is punishing myself for not playing along with his game. I feel like after the way I lost it the other day, he's probably never going to speak to me again. I know that if I'm lucky he won't, but it still hurts ☹️

[ZBA]

Lostgirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am having a rough day also. So far, instead of getting easier, the days have only grown harder. At one point I was angry and that fueled a temporary feeling of indifference. I didn't hope for contact... mostly the anger just numbed me.

 

After about 3 days, the anger faded and sadness washed over me. That sadness seems to have deepened over the past few days. I'm sure in your case, all the triggers you have (like seeing them in town) don't make it easier. I'm truly hoping you find strength.

[Chica80]

LOST I am so so sorry. That sounds awful.

 

They dont have a perfect family. They are not perfect. He has been having an affair for two years. Another relationship with a whole other person!!!

 

How happy can he really be?

 

Today is a bad day, but tomorrow is another day.

 

Don't give up do something for yourself. Take care of yourself. Keep posting on here. You're not alone.

[Lobe]

They dont have a perfect family. They are not perfect.

 

How happy can he really be?

 

He's happy. He's got his perfect family and his side piece.

 

His BS probably thinks she's going crazy from all the gas lighting he does. Or, he's really smooth and she suspects nothing because he hasn't stopped giving her love and affection. You'll only ever know what he has told you.

 

Write him off. You're worth more than this.

[rumblefish12]

I am really struggling today. Earlier I was at a stop sign, and he and what I like to refer to as "the happy family." I know that if I'm lucky he won't, but it still hurts ☹️

 

LG - hang in there please. The NC is a gift to yourself and you aren't even aware of the value yet. What's so weird is that except for how coldly your MM treated you, your perspective and story could be coming from my XAP (although frankly you seem like a nicer person). My point is that if he doesn't have feelings for you aftr two years he has psychological issue so you should run away fast. If he does have feelings for you and yet treats you this way you should run away fast.

 

In his defense he may not be trying to portray the perfect family but he may be just trying to reestablish a connection that he let slip away. And he didn't choose her over you. You were never in a competition. Nobody loses. In fact you've won if you maintain NC. You get your life back to fill it with meaningful people or things.

 

All the contradictions in your post show why As are so fundamentally flawed to begin with. Youre winning, LG. You're worth weathering this relatively short dark period to regain your whole life. Stay with us.

[Poppy47]

I love how you said "I never realized I was in competition." This hits home to me bc whenever I see his wife out, which is not much but living in the same town it does happen... I find myself constantly trying to compare and contrast myself to her. And you can't help but think "she doesn't do this this and that for him, if he were mine, i would make sure to keep him happy. " it's like I'm comparing everything, right down to the way I dress, to how she is, and she has no idea. I feel like a horrible person for even admitting that.

 

I'm hoping as far as going forward, that I can keep remembering how utterly horrible I've felt since he basically told me yesterday they his ego was fine and that him "wanting me" wasn't enough to justify his risks. My hardest times come during the workday, which is the times I want to talk to him simply bc i can...so I'm hoping that Tuesday when that urge hits, I can remember exactly how i feel right now (hurt, and humiliated about my blow up..) I've realized over the past day that the fear that if I go away he will forget me for good is what has been keeping me from letting go... Which is f*ucked up bc that's the whole purpose of NC, right??

 

YOu really don't have any idea what his wife does or does not do for him. It's only what he tells you and you assume. It's not much to go by .

 

It would be the best thing for you ultimately if he forgets you. I know you don't want that to happen but it truly would be.

 

Poppy.

[Adoraxx]

I am really struggling today. Earlier I was at a stop sign, and he and what I like to refer to as "the happy family." Pulled into the road. He quickly turned his head the other direction toward her as if he wasn't going to dare look my direction. By all looks and appearances, they are perfect. It made me sick. It made me cry. And it ruined my day. And instead of me hating him for putting on this nice guy front to the world, I'm beating myself up over showing my emotional and ugly side the other day. Logically, my brain says I had every right bc he won't acknowledge that this is something he's caught up in too... But my heart is punishing myself for not playing along with his game. I feel like after the way I lost it the other day, he's probably never going to speak to me again. I know that if I'm lucky he won't, but it still hurts ☹️

 

Lostgirl, I totally understand what it feels like what you've been going through. My xMM is my neighbor and there have been so many times where I ran into 'the happy family' or at least the 'happy couple'. He always looks right through me when that happens, as if I'm not even there, as if I'm completely invisible. The last time this happened, was a few weeks ago, his face didn't even change in the slightest bit when he looked right through me towards the wall that was behind me; he continued chatting to W and well, it was very hurtful.

 

About you going off on your xMM... been there done that too. Actually, most of the time I did my best to be 'perfect' as to not to provoke his anger, but that's really hard!! There was one time where I actually yelled at him that I'm done with him and that I'm sick of what how he acts, all the empty promises, all his lies, everything!! He emailed me the next day to ask if I'm still mad and that he "will come by, I won't promise you again, I mean it" but shortly after that he discarded me. Stayed away for seven months and then he returned.

 

So yes, I'm convinced that your xMM will return. I've so often read that 'they all come back' and I think your xMM will come back too. But it's really for the best if he doesn't because all he'll do is cause you more pain. I'm sorry about him telling you that his ego is just fine or whatever it was that he said... My xMM always told me similar things like "Oh I don't care" and "I'm happy, I really don't care, I have no need for you anymore." Honestly, I do believe that that's true.. They don't care. Unless they're bored.

 

I'll be moving by the end of this year. Finally.... I'm scared about it but it's hopefully much less painful than staying in this town. My plan is to go NC on him for good then. I will never ever see him again anyway (I will move 90 mins away from here)

 

Hugs

[Lostgirl186]

Just wondering how those struggling fared thru another holiday. I had a pretty good day for the most part, spent with family and my little one. It hit me in the shower that tomorrow is back to work and true day one ( although we haven't spoken since the fight Friday, but we don't talk on weekends anyway.) I had a good come apart. I don't feel strong, just sick. Here's to hoping it sticks! Hope you all start out to a wonderful week.

[Outofmysystem]

I've had an ok day, tomorrow is a full moon....my XMOW has been real quiet lately, I've learned through a co-worker friend she is not happy, I believe she is leaning on drinking as a crutch too (one thing her father is good at) it's an excuse, but habits can take over real fast if you are not careful....I've had a rough spell though too, I miss her.....I was looking at her pictures, especially the ones where she is smiling because her nose crinkles and she looks so damn cute.....I miss her touch, and her breathy kisses....

 

Yea, it sucks when you get the case of the feels and the memories start back up like a movie that you can't leave......