"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[Rea]

Rea, I'm glad you got something out of my post.....if my issues with this whole thing can help anyone on this board, especially if they haven't pulled the trigger yet, then there is a silver lining....talking about anyone else that's reading but lurking.....on the point of the best friends stuff, that more than the physical part is the hardest to get over.....especially in my case because other than the last few months, my xMOW was crazy in love with me, or so I thought......I was honestly, obviously, cake eating and not thinking we were ever going to break up.....I actually was thinking that we were going to eventually get found out, and then her and I would be together in the end, I really did......

 

Now, that could have been the fantasy and the oxytocin in my drunken brain, lol.....but I was fully there at one point.......but deep down, I loved her and I still do.....she was special, to me.....she wasn't a special, extra ordinary super human, she was just special to me.....

 

That said, she reached her limit with all of it, getting burned out on the guilt and the lies, choosing the job that she now has over me (I was going to work with her again, but got fired in a complicated set of circumstances) and her being scared of loosing her comfort and kids (although she never would have lost her kids).....she became a cold, heartless bitch in the end and actually has kept her end of the NC even if we never really called it that (she's also very stubborn and proud)

 

So by default, I'm in NC even though I know it's the best for me.....

 

I can completely relate to what you have said. I think because we were/are in love. He was/is my best friend and I his. We have both confided so much in each other. We are twin flames. It is I that has pushed and pushed our physically intimate relationship to its limits, until we couldn't walk away from each other afterwards without either of us getting upset. This is why we resolved to shift to friendship and are working hard at sticking to physical NC. We know we cannot just cut off from each other, we have too many failed attempts and too much emotional investment to work through to just cease being.

 

It's interesting though, because all bar one time, it was always MM who broke NC, as with you and Rumblefish12. I'm guessing that is because you were/are emotionally invested in OW.

 

A's are an addiction. I know to have been forced to go cold turkey as you have been, would have seriously damaged me psychologically. We discussed this at length an I think he knew he couldn't face doing that to me, which is why we now are where we are with this relationship.

Edited June 27, 2016 by Rea
Spelling errors

[Outofmysystem]

Rea, you are correct, I was invested in her emotionally....very much so, she is a funny, captivating, sweet tempered and genuine woman that everyone (most) love to be around. When she would smile, her eyes would smile too.....at the same time she was very, very sexual with me and told me that I was the only one that brought that out in her, she also was multiple with me a first, in fact she would climax several times just starting the times we were together....and that was true even till the end of the six years, the desire and lust were still just as strong no matter what I did with her. For a man, especially someone that has not been with anyone else in 25 years, it's powerful, powerful stuff.....and a chain that is stronger than anything I'd ever imagine......put in the fact that she was my best friend too, texts, emails, phone calls....it was a never ending chase just to get more of her and she was also per suing.....she did almost never want me to leave, and she told told me she cried sometimes because I "was her world"........but all that turned to "numbness" as she told me, no good feelings, no bad.....she just wanted to forget....

 

Rumble, no contact for 8 months, but I still look at her Facebook, I get group texts that I was answering a few months ago but I have stopped that....she has gone silent here as of late and it's really kinda driving me crazy, but I'm trying to deal with it.....we have had a few friendly texts about a month ago because of her birthday.....but I've been in real NC for the last month 1/2...

 

We do have a lot of similarities in our situation, my family would probably have the same reaction.....the abusive stuff differs, but obviously she has some issues with her BH, and she does have alcohol issues that I think are taking hold more now that she is living without me and the constant ego feed to her because I took care of all her needs, always....

 

Sunshinechica, I have not done MC or IC, at least IC as of late......I've learned from her, and friends that she is in MC with her BH, but again, no DDay on either side......so even if I were to go to MC with my wife, I couldn't be straight out honest and tell her all about my A because a hell would break loose.....my wife is not subtle and sometimes lacks tact.....not a slam per say against her, just facts....like Rumble said, I thought my life would implode and if that was the case, and she was solid, and there for me painting a picture of a future of us together, and everything just didn't go to ****, who knows?....I was consumed......but know I know better.....her flaws were there all the long, plus how could I REALLY trust her???.....I mean I saw how good a liar she was, and believe me, she was good!.....

[Chica80]

ReaI was reading about Split self affairs after reading your post interesting....

How long was your affair? Why did you end it?

 

Out You sound very pained, painful. Your wife and your lover. Maybe not MC but what about IC. Why do you pick these type of partners. To help your own healing maybe not your marriage but what about start with yourself?

 

Rumble I totally get the Stockholm....haha. Who would choose this who would want this. It hurts but we miss it.

 

Do any of you think we place ourselves in these relationships because although we want love and be happy, we don't actually believe we deserve it or will ever have it? I've thought of this often....

 

I'm so grateful to have found this site...

[Chica80]

An article I found interesting....

 

Affair Type 5 - The Split Self Affair - The Infidelity Recovery Institute

[Rea]

ReaI was reading about Split self affairs after reading your post interesting....

How long was your affair? Why did you end it?

 

Out You sound very pained, painful. Your wife and your lover. Maybe not MC but what about IC. Why do you pick these type of partners. To help your own healing maybe not your marriage but what about start with yourself?

 

Rumble I totally get the Stockholm....haha. Who would choose this who would want this. It hurts but we miss it.

 

Do any of you think we place ourselves in these relationships because although we want love and be happy, we don't actually believe we deserve it or will ever have it? I've thought of this often....

 

I'm so grateful to have found this site...

 

 

From first meeting each other, ourA lasted over two years. It was friendship then emotional at first, before becoming physical. Even when we started becoming physical, another few months passed before we actually started making love.

 

My absolute fear of abandonment by MM is what drove us to stop being physical and meeting in person. My anxiety was growing out of fear that his W would find out and he would abandon me. He tried to reassure me that this wouldn't happen. We have had a mini DDay, but his wife could not confirm her suspicions. From there on in my anxiety grew, until I faced him out about it. If push came to shove and she told him their marriage was over unless he let me go, what would he do? I drove him to an honest answer, as much as he did not want to admit it, he would let me go, even though he says he knows he will never recover. Selfish? Split Self - definitely!

 

I love him, I truly do. I have never been so certain of anything as I have my feelings for him.

 

I went through a terrible time at the beginning of the year. I felt so much anger and frustration towards him. I am single. I met him following the break up of my 30 year relationship that was incredibly difficult to deal with. I couldn't understand how he could lead a double life, loving me the way he does, yet staying with a woman that doesn't make him happy. At the same time I also understood his dilemma, I still do. It's painful.

 

I had read a lot of really painful negative stuff on this forum from OW who had gone through very bitter experiences. I am ver sorry for what they have been through. However, I listened too much to what they were saying and their experiences and applied them to my own. That was a mistake because it caused me more emotional turmoil and anxiety. One size definitely does not fit all and I think it is important to listen to our own stories and understand that story belongs to us not anyone else. Yes, there may be similarities but we are not clones. All our stories differ in that they belong to us.

 

That was when I really started researching affairs. I couldn't understand how most on LS were telling me he didn't love me when it felt so real. I had to understand for my own sanity. I get very frustrated when I read a post and so many people respond in such a cut throat way - go NC, he doesn't love you, blah blah blah! I find it insulting and hurtful that some people that come here for support/advice/guidance or just to sound off in a 'safe environment' are harshly judged/spoken to in non helpful/supportive ways. I'm not for sugar coating things, but if someone is feeling low enough to find themselves posting here, do we really need to wipe the floor with the them?

 

I know that affairs are selfish and damaging to ALL involved, but OW/OM/MM/MW have feelings too. I think that's why it's so comforting to find a thread that isn't full of brick hurling but more a place to discuss what keeps the affair/attachment going, even through destabilisation.

 

Here's a link you may also find interesting...

 

https://sammusings.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/how-cheaters-and-the-other-womanman-copes/

[Chica80]

 

My absolute fear of abandonment by MM is what drove us to stop being physical and meeting in person. My anxiety was growing out of fear that his W would find out and he would abandon me. He tried to reassure me that this wouldn't happen. We have had a mini DDay, but his wife could not confirm her suspicions. From there on in my anxiety grew, until I faced him out about it. If push came to shove and she told him their marriage was over unless he let me go, what would he do? I drove him to an honest answer, as much as he did not want to admit it, he would let me go, even though he says he knows he will never recover. Selfish? Split Self - definitely!

 

I love him, I truly do. I have never been so certain of anything as I have my feelings for him.

 

I went through a terrible time at the beginning of the year. I felt so much anger and frustration towards him. I am single. I met him following the break up of my 30 year relationship that was incredibly difficult to deal with. I couldn't understand how he could lead a double life, loving me the way he does, yet staying with a woman that doesn't make him happy. At the same time I also understood his dilemma, I still do. It's painful.

 

I had read a lot of really painful negative stuff on this forum from OW who had gone through very bitter experiences. I am very sorry for what they have been through. However, I listened too much to what they were saying and their experiences and applied them to my own. That was a mistake because it caused me more emotional turmoil and anxiety. One size definitely does not fit all and I think it is important to listen to our own stories and understand that story belongs to us not anyone else. Yes, there may be similarities but we are not clones. All our stories differ in that they belong to us.

 

That was when I really started researching affairs. I couldn't understand how most on LS were telling me he didn't love me when it felt so real. I had to understand for my own sanity. I get very frustrated when I read a post and so many people respond in such a cut throat way - go NC, he doesn't love you, blah blah blah! I find it insulting and hurtful that some people that come here for support/advice/guidance or just to sound off in a 'safe environment' are harshly judged/spoken to in non helpful/supportive ways. I'm not for sugar coating things, but if someone is feeling low enough to find themselves posting here, do we really need to wipe the floor with the them?

 

I know that affairs are selfish and damaging to ALL involved, but OW/OM/MM/MW have feelings too.]

 

 

Rea I couldn't agree with you more!!! When I first started reading these boards. It was hard. Stuff I already know. I struggle with. It just didn't fit for me.

 

I feel the same as you in the sense of abandonment. I don't want him to leave his marriage. Especially not for me. It would damage him, career family etc.... I don't want that for him. But I also don't want him out of my life. So we try to be friends....but of course that never works because the physical aspect is so strong.

[Chica80]

ReaSo I just read the article you posted.....interesting very interesting....

[Poppy47]

OUT,

 

Please stay away from Facebook and birthdays. Two very powerful triggers.

 

What you can't see you won't think of.

 

Poppy

[Rea]

Rea I couldn't agree with you more!!! When I first started reading these boards. It was hard. Stuff I already know. I struggle with. It just didn't fit for me.

 

I feel the same as you in the sense of abandonment. I don't want him to leave his marriage. Especially not for me. It would damage him, career family etc.... I don't want that for him. But I also don't want him out of my life. So we try to be friends....but of course that never works because the physical aspect is so strong.

 

I completely get the not wanting him to leave his marriage for you and I commend you for that. You are obviously very emotionally aware and I think that is so important in these circumstances.

 

In th early days my xMM wanted to leave his marriage. I would say for the first six months of the emotion & physical affair he wanted to make plans. It was me who was strong in saying no. I could see he was completely consumed by me (as I was him). Did I want home to leave? Absolutely. Could I tell him that? No. Why? Same as you. I knew he was in what I now know termed as 'affair fog'. He wasn't thinking straight, all he could see was me. I worried terribly for his career, his family, his children (adult), but most of all I worried for him and his wife. I knew she would be devastated because I have come to know all his family through him. I understand his relationships within his family and with his friends. I knew the destruction it would cause, including his own self destruction. I love him too much to see him put himself through that. I always said to him that I could not bear to see him look at me with regretful eyes and I think that is what would have happened.

 

Not so many weeks ago he wrote to me, thanking me for being strong at that point in time. For using my strength to save him from himself. I told him that it broke my heart to tell him no, when all I want is to be with him. He asked me if I regretted it now. I thought about it and I don't because I love him. It is not for me to 'take' him, but for him to walk away from his marriage if that is what he wants. Truthfully, he wants me and his marriage because of his split self.

If I could deal with the sense of impending abandonment when we were. physical, in truth, he'd probably still have both.

 

We haven't seen each other in person since deciding to concentrate on shifting our relationship to friendship. I guess that will be te true test.

[Chica80]

Rea

 

Yes exactly. I know that if he left I would get that look that pain. I hate that look and ultimately we wouldn't survive that. He told me once IF we were ever to be together it couldn't be like this..It couldn't start like this. I agree. Would I want to be with him...Of course out in the open not hiding. I hate the hiding lying secrecy.

 

So the conflict.....I go back and forth. Because there's a part of me that needs him that keeps searching him out. Part for myself, part because I want to be there for him.

 

For myself I'm working on it.....trying. In IC.

 

Then there's the back and forth that I don't want to hurt her his wife, himself. I ask him why do you keep coming back? I don't have anything left to risk. My friends know, to some extent my parents know. My H knows I told him. We are separated. At work I'm sure people have suspected...I'm pretty emotional and obvious. But you you still have everything to risk. The answer is always....I don't know. Or It doesn't matter...

 

The funny thing is I think that's part of our draw....I'm super emotional....all emotional I wear my heart on my sleeve. He is soooo logical. Its how he lives how he makes decisions and choices.....Except for this.

[rumblefish12]

Please stay away from Facebook and birthdays. Two very powerful triggers.

 

I need to take this advice as well. There's been no actual contact for 3 months, but I have periodically gone to look for smoke signals, and I've seen them. I've never acted on them, thankfully. And just as often the signals have been that she's doing great and on the prowl (which my ego assumes those are for my benefit as well). Either way it's all self-inflicted pain. And it makes it impossible to let go fully. I want to let go. I'm struggling.

[Rea]

I need to take this advice as well. There's been no actual contact for 3 months, but I have periodically gone to look for smoke signals, and I've seen them. I've never acted on them, thankfully. And just as often the signals have been that she's doing great and on the prowl (which my ego assumes those are for my benefit as well). Either way it's all self-inflicted pain. And it makes it impossible to let go fully. I want to let go. I'm struggling.

 

Rumblefish12 I don't know much about your story other than what I've read on this thread, but from one of your posts yesterday, your xAP sounds like she imay be a bit of a game player. When you/if you check out her FB, think about that. Sounds like she could be seeking attention from you or any other BF she may have on the back burner.

 

You seem like you have come along way in pushing yourself past this. Why torture yourself over someone you don't feel is long term partner material, or that you don't feel your family would like?

 

I understand the pull to seek her out, but don't undo three months of good work. I have a feeling you'll desperately regret it if you do.

[Rea]

Rea

 

Yes exactly. I know that if he left I would get that look that pain. I hate that look and ultimately we wouldn't survive that. He told me once IF we were ever to be together it couldn't be like this..It couldn't start like this. I agree. Would I want to be with him...Of course out in the open not hiding. I hate the hiding lying secrecy.

 

So the conflict.....I go back and forth. Because there's a part of me that needs him that keeps searching him out. Part for myself, part because I want to be there for him.

 

For myself I'm working on it.....trying. In IC.

 

Then there's the back and forth that I don't want to hurt her his wife, himself. I ask him why do you keep coming back? I don't have anything left to risk. My friends know, to some extent my parents know. My H knows I told him. We are separated. At work I'm sure people have suspected...I'm pretty emotional and obvious. But you you still have everything to risk. The answer is always....I don't know. Or It doesn't matter...

 

The funny thing is I think that's part of our draw....I'm super emotional....all emotional I wear my heart on my sleeve. He is soooo logical. Its how he lives how he makes decisions and choices.....Except for this.

 

 

I hated the secrecy and sneaking around too.

 

Sounds like you at least have some level of support network that know about your situation. It's great that you are in IC too.

[rumblefish12]

--your xAP sounds like she imay be a bit of a game player. When you/if you check out her FB, think about that. Sounds like she could be seeking attention from you or any other BF she may have on the back burner.

 

Thanks, REA. I really appreciate the support.

 

And she is a MASTER game-player. In terms of attention seeking, she went to the Dr. more in our 3 years together than I have in my entire life. It was always something potentially life threatening that the Drs. were too stupid to diagnose. Over and over again. Most likely cancer and it was always just a matter of time. Then she'd rebound.

 

She said that if we were apart when it happened (her passing), she instructed her friend to put purple balloons on her mailbox so I would know.

 

She also was a cutter. And she said she hadn't been cutting in many years until we got involved. I guess it didn't have anything to do with her husband threatening her regularly. But the fact that she even vaguely attributed it to the stressors of our relationship made me think I wasn't doing this woman any good at all. That's one part of why I need to remain NC. It hurts though that she would hate me for staying NC when it's just as much for her benefit as all involved.

[Poppy47]

I need to take this advice as well. There's been no actual contact for 3 months, but I have periodically gone to look for smoke signals, and I've seen them. I've never acted on them, thankfully. And just as often the signals have been that she's doing great and on the prowl (which my ego assumes those are for my benefit as well). Either way it's all self-inflicted pain. And it makes it impossible to let go fully. I want to let go. I'm struggling.

 

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY NAUGHTY!!! Go to your room for an hour.

Seriously, looking for smoke signals and seeing them is a conscious choice to reassure yourself that you are still important.

xMM left a signal on Face book every single day for 6 months and I used to look for it. It connected us so it was not true NC.

I have now blocked him from my FB, which I never did before. It would take and act of will for me to unblock and look. I will not.

 

Poppy.

[rumblefish12]

... a conscious choice to reassure yourself that you are still important.

 

I know it is an act of ego. You're right that it's because she made me feel important and needed. And that part of the pain I'm going through is because it hurts to think she no longer needs me. Ego reigns supreme.

 

It's gotta stop. It's hard to delude myself here and I really appreciate LS and all of you for that.

[Rea]

Thanks, REA. I really appreciate the support.

 

And she is a MASTER game-player. In terms of attention seeking, she went to the Dr. more in our 3 years together than I have in my entire life. It was always something potentially life threatening that the Drs. were too stupid to diagnose. Over and over again. Most likely cancer and it was always just a matter of time. Then she'd rebound.

 

She said that if we were apart when it happened (her passing), she instructed her friend to put purple balloons on her mailbox so I would know.

 

She also was a cutter. And she said she hadn't been cutting in many years until we got involved. I guess it didn't have anything to do with her husband threatening her regularly. But the fact that she even vaguely attributed it to the stressors of our relationship made me think I wasn't doing this woman any good at all. That's one part of why I need to remain NC. It hurts though that she would hate me for staying NC when it's just as much for her benefit as all involved.

 

She sounds like she has way too many issues to be involved with anyone.

 

Purple balloons?!?!?! Really!!! I'm speechless! I don't know what I'm more astonished about; the fact she actually imagined her death and voiced it to you or that she actually thought it would be acceptable for you to discover she had passed by seeing balloons tied to her letterbox! What if someone had a birthday? Seriously!!!

 

She obviously has really deep seated issues if she is cutting. You are not the answer for her. She's the answer for her but she needs to figure that one out, because no one but her, can work on fixing her. I expect she used you as a band aid.

 

How do you know her husband treated her badly? If she put you through the wringer with drama and mind games, imagine what it must be like to live with her.

 

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. Hold onto that.

[Chica80]

Rumble

 

The "smoke signals" are just a way to keep you trapped. You will find what you want to find.

 

There is nothing....nothing you can do to "fix" her. You can never love her enough be there enough for her. She will continue to suck you dry.

 

I feel the same you know. I'm in my head all the time. Thinking analyzing obsessing. Well if this happens it means that. Or did he really mean this or that. On and on. I like what Rea said one size does def not fit all......but how does it leaving you feeling? What is it you are missing? Feeling validated? Feeling needed. You said you love your wife and your family. Tell her.....Tell her I need to feel wanted I need to feel necessary I need to.....whatever that thing is for you.

 

Good luck Rumble. Keep talking....I find that is do helpful

...

[Lostgirl186]

Ok.. I have never officially done NC, other than us arguing about him being "fickle" and me not trying to talk to him for a few days..but I know now I need to get out, at least for a little while. As I said in an earlier post, we had IC for the third time about three weeks ago (the full blown sex didn't start until the beginning of this year) and he immediately said we couldn't do it anymore that he had to be good and not act on it anymore.. This went on for a week and a half and last week midweek we ended up having phone sex.. And he's cold again. tbursday and Friday he's "too busy at work to talk" and I made another attempt to talk to him today and he pretty well told me that the next month or so he would be too busy and then stopped responding to anything I said. He knows he has it made. He knows that he can ignore me when he's not feeling it, I'll get mad, and in a few days I'll be there starting a conversation with him again, looking for some sort of high, and if he's in the mood, we will talk and text hot and heavy until we either sleep together again, or something to that effect. It will do me no good to tell him I'm going NC, bc he will say "ok it's probably for the best, and the cycle will start over. I need to stop talking to him for a while cold turkey. So, in asking for advice. What do I do to stay mad, how do I let him know I'm not his doormat? My biggest problem is being strong enough to fight the urge to text him to see what kind of mood he's in or if he texts back. I am so weak and I hate myself for being in this situation, for allowing myself to get feelings, and for letting him walk all over me.

[Lobe]

That was when I really started researching affairs. I couldn't understand how most on LS were telling me he didn't love me when it felt so real. I had to understand for my own sanity. I get very frustrated when I read a post and so many people respond in such a cut throat way - go NC, he doesn't love you, blah blah blah! I find it insulting and hurtful that some people that come here for support/advice/guidance or just to sound off in a 'safe environment' are harshly judged/spoken to in non helpful/supportive ways. I'm not for sugar coating things, but if someone is feeling low enough to find themselves posting here, do we really need to wipe the floor with the them?

 

It's extraordinarily painful for me as a BS to read about the intensity of affair feelings - the paradox is that they are "real" but can only exist inside Fantasyland and I think that's what makes it so difficult to get past the "destabilization" - anything remotely resembling reality threatening to leak into the affair fantasy is met with the push of panic and fear, which only makes the ensuing pull that much stronger. This cycle of delusion feeds itself, from itself. I find reading the stories of OW heartbreaking - I came here looking for ways understand my WH's xOW and instead of finding reasons to demonize them, they have been humanized. I understandably have no desire to reach out and hug her, but I also recognize the toll the affair had on her while it went on and the devastation she felt on d-day.

 

I need to take this advice as well. There's been no actual contact for 3 months, but I have periodically gone to look for smoke signals, and I've seen them. I've never acted on them, thankfully. And just as often the signals have been that she's doing great and on the prowl (which my ego assumes those are for my benefit as well). Either way it's all self-inflicted pain. And it makes it impossible to let go fully. I want to let go. I'm struggling.

 

The single hardest thing I've done in this lifetime was watch my husband mourn for his girlfriend after d-day. If you're serious about going NC there are things you can do, like block and unblock her several times in one day - Facebook automatically upholds the block for a few days. Install a browser redirect so that whenever the address for their FB or IG or whatever comes up in the address bar you are automatically taken someplace else - on our computer searching for her blog or name automatically goes to our wedding song, and her FB profile is a 404 notice. Initially it was meant as a jab at my husband if he felt so inclined to go look, but we both actually came to appreciate it. It's a soft gate - either of us could push past it if we really wanted to (the diligent and paranoid BS stalks social media for smoke signals just as much as the WH...) - but knowing how much effort it would take to circumnavigate it kind of reminds us both that our focus needs to be inward and forwards not outward or backwards.

 

Like a lot of WH, the fantasy was just that - fantasy. While it doesn't negate the fact he had strong feelings or still has residual feelings for her, he looks back now and sees that there was no way they would have survived outside of the affair bubble.

[Lostgirl186]

It's extraordinarily painful for me as a BS to read about the intensity of affair feelings - the paradox is that they are "real" but can only exist inside Fantasyland and I think that's what makes it so difficult to get past the "destabilization" - anything remotely resembling reality threatening to leak into the affair fantasy is met with the push of panic and fear, which only makes the ensuing pull that much stronger. This cycle of delusion feeds itself, from itself. I find reading the stories of OW heartbreaking - I came here looking for ways understand my WH's xOW and instead of finding reasons to demonize them, they have been humanized. I understandably have no desire to reach out and hug her, but I also recognize the toll the affair had on her while it went on and the devastation she felt on d-day.

 

 

 

The single hardest thing I've done in this lifetime was watch my husband mourn for his girlfriend after d-day. If you're serious about going NC there are things you can do, like block and unblock her several times in one day - Facebook automatically upholds the block for a few days. Install a browser redirect so that whenever the address for their FB or IG or whatever comes up in the address bar you are automatically taken someplace else - on our computer searching for her blog or name automatically goes to our wedding song, and her FB profile is a 404 notice. Initially it was meant as a jab at my husband if he felt so inclined to go look, but we both actually came to appreciate it. It's a soft gate - either of us could push past it if we really wanted to (the diligent and paranoid BS stalks social media for smoke signals just as much as the WH...) - but knowing how much effort it would take to circumnavigate it kind of reminds us both that our focus needs to be inward and forwards not outward or backwards.

 

Like a lot of WH, the fantasy was just that - fantasy. While it doesn't negate the fact he had strong feelings or still has residual feelings for her, he looks back now and sees that there was no way they would have survived outside of the affair bubble.

 

Thank you for posting here.. This thread has gone above and beyond what I intended when I started it. I am the married OW... I have heard perspectives from others like me, from the male AP, and now from the BS. I know it can't be easy for you to read some of this. As far as your relationship goes, if you don't mind sharing, did your husband give any signs at home that he was struggling with "feelings" or "emotions" for someone else? I've always wondered what it must be like for the betrayed spouse, or if sometimes they are just that good at hiding it?

[Chica80]

Lost

 

I wish I could tell you how to stay angry. When Im angry when I'm hurt that's when I think NC. No text no talking....I stay strong for a day or a couple. But when the sadness kicks in that's the hardest. When something happens and I need support. Or I see him......all that goes out the door.

 

Get support. Do you have anyone you can talk to. A friend? I've had friends tell me they will be my "sponsor" text them instead or call them. Get on here post on here. Get into IC. Why are you drawn to this to this man? What about your H? Work on that. Get active and be distracted.

 

I wish I could tell you how. MAYBE I'm not the best because I haven't been able to. But truth I don't think I'm ready yet. There has been only once. I moved all my shifts. No text no calls. For two weeks. I was actually starting to feel better. All it took was one text from him ..."have a good weekend" that's it.....at first I didn't give in. It made me angry actually. But the next day I text him to find out how he was.....he was not doing well. Had a really bad week......etc etc. And I was back in the same place.

 

So be prepared for that. Good luck. We are here to listen. Love and hugs.

[Lostgirl186]

Lost

 

I wish I could tell you how to stay angry. When Im angry when I'm hurt that's when I think NC. No text no talking....I stay strong for a day or a couple. But when the sadness kicks in that's the hardest. When something happens and I need support. Or I see him......all that goes out the door.

 

Get support. Do you have anyone you can talk to. A friend? I've had friends tell me they will be my "sponsor" text them instead or call them. Get on here post on here. Get into IC. Why are you drawn to this to this man? What about your H? Work on that. Get active and be distracted.

 

I wish I could tell you how. MAYBE I'm not the best because I haven't been able to. But truth I don't think I'm ready yet. There has been only once. I moved all my shifts. No text no calls. For two weeks. I was actually starting to feel better. All it took was one text from him ..."have a good weekend" that's it.....at first I didn't give in. It made me angry actually. But the next day I text him to find out how he was.....he was not doing well. Had a really bad week......etc etc. And I was back in the same place.

 

So be prepared for that. Good luck. We are here to listen. Love and hugs.

 

It amazes me how similar our AP seem. I'm not sure what it is about him. Maybe the old cliche "he's above me, I didn't think I could ever get someone like him.." is how it started... But physically, the attraction and the sex (both physical and other) is out of this world. I have a bad marriage that I should have left a long time ago, but because of my son, and other fears I'm pretend everything is ok. He's been so cold here lately, im not sure he would try to contact me. It's like you said, I'm good and angry for a day or two.. And then I'm dying to talk to him, for a fix

[Chica80]

So my LS friends I have decided to join NC

 

After so much back and forth and rearing your stories. Lots of craziness in my head. lost I agree our stories are so much the same.....it's been 16months!#!

 

We just talked. I told him it's naive to think we can be friends. We always say oh just friends we aren't going to do it anymore. Etc etc. But that never works. Never! And he is getting sloppy i said. Physical evidence....There are only two options I can think of.

 

Option 1. NC no text no talking no seeing eachother, other than wrk. (The NC at wrk right now is not an option)

 

Option 2. We can be together regardless married or not. I want to be with you but I'm not lying or hiding anymore. I hate the lying.

 

He said option 2 is not an option. And he sees no other option.

 

Rea

 

I thought alot about what you said. I don't doubt I'm important to him. I don't doubt he cares about me....but because of who he is how things are if they came to light he would cut me out. I told him I couldn't bear that. For him to cut me out totally. To say I didn't mean anything to save his marriage because that is what he would have to do.

 

God it hurts soo bad.....now how to stick to it this time?

[Outofmysystem]

Poppy, I will try.....I know the triggers, but there is still pattern and tradition that I'm still trying to break.....but I appreciate the advice

 

Rumble, I feel you sir......you've got a lot on your plate, but I know the feeling of being important and needed......its a strong hold.

 

Lobe, another great post.......I know you've been through a lot, but I do enjoy reading what you are thinking......

 

Sunshine, I don't know if all of this has helped, but it is somewhat cathartic to type it all out, even with all the poor decisions I've made. I know the hurt, your not alone, I'm sure we all can relate wherever we are on the timeline......so know that, take care of yourself......I think that's the most important thing I've learned through all of this.