"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[imperfectangel]

ID, I've been with my mm on and off for over a decade. Tried to end it hundreds of times it really ended for me last time I saw him when he told me he'll always be married.

 

Like you that's when it hit me that things will never change with him and this is all it could be. I was already unhappy and he knew it. He said we'd "always have this problem". Well, newflash mm I don't need to always this problem. I was just done.

 

We all get there when we're ready. Sometimes we need another round or two to realise but it'll happen for us all at some point.

[Chica80]

ID, I've been with my mm on and off for over a decade. Tried to end it hundreds of times it really ended for me last time I saw him when he told me he'll always be married.

 

Like you that's when it hit me that things will never change with him and this is all it could be. I was already unhappy and he knew it. He said we'd "always have this problem". Well, newflash mm I don't need to always this problem. I was just done.

 

We all get there when we're ready. Sometimes we need another round or two to realise but it'll happen for us all at some point.

 

yes we all have our own different timeline.

 

How is it going IA? Still NC?

[imperfectangel]

I have told him I want more and that I know he can't give it to me so i need to move on. I'd say we're more LC than NC. I have no issue responding to him as I'd rather that than have him turn up at my house but I have no desire to contact him anymore

[Chica80]

I have told him I want more and that I know he can't give it to me so i need to move on. I'd say we're more LC than NC. I have no issue responding to him as I'd rather that than have him turn up at my house but I have no desire to contact him anymore

 

That's good...just like not all A are the same I don't think recovery is the same for everyone...

 

Just be careful it doesn't pull you back in. I know that's where I get stuck too... Where I am currently stuck as you can see from my post...

The destabilization phase right... (can last years)....ugh.

 

Hang in there

[imperfectangel]

That is why I stay on LS even if I don't post much I'm still reading. It reminds me of what the a was really like rather than the great parts I want to remember

[Poppy47]

That is why I stay on LS even if I don't post much I'm still reading. It reminds me of what the a was really like rather than the great parts I want to remember

 

I agree Angel. LS is a constant reminder that the OW is just that.

 

Poppy.

[jenkins95]

Oh midnight! Just came across this while randomly browsing the boards! I am so moved! Thank you for reaching out to me like this. You are so lovely! Yes, like you I have suffered a lot post A. I have never thought about PTSD, but yes - why not? Very likely i an suffering this.

 

But I take full ownership. I am the MM that had an affair. I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. It's all my fault.....

And yes, thanks in no small part to the wonderful support from great people like you.....i am turning the corner.

 

Never again!

 

Yes this thread has developed a wonderful character of its own, inter twined with so many disparate, yet connected stories.

 

I'm so pleased that you are continuing to get better midnight

 

((((Midnight))))

 

And that reminds me..... actually, it is 'midnight' here! Time for bed! ? Goodnight midnight and all you wonderful posters

 

This thread is like a book of short stories where it goes back and forth between different people's lives which are independent of each other.

 

Jenkins, if you read this, for whatever reason I read your long post on the general board, your whole story and I just wanted to say I was really touched. It sounds pretty horrific for all parties involved and it sounds like you really went through a traumatic experience. It didn't even sound like a normal relationship, I mean it was like reading a persons account of a something really, really bad they went through, I am not even sure of the words, like a wartime experience or I don't know...

 

Did you feel like you had PTSD? I did, so I was wondering. I got anxiety attacks if I saw someone who even reminded me of xmm. It was just terrible. Even now, if I have to talk to him, I shake - literally, I had to write out checks beforehand because I cannot write in front of him. It's really strange. If he comes near me and tries to talk to me, I will shake coffee all over the floor.

 

Anyway, I am glad you are doing so much better and out of that dark place. Me too!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh midnight! Just came across this while randomly browsing the boards! I am so moved! Thank you for reaching out to me like this. You are so lovely! Yes, like you I have suffered a lot post A. I have never thought about PTSD, but yes - why not? Very likely i an suffering this.

 

But I take full ownership. I am the MM that had an affair. I knew what I was doing and what I was risking. It's all my fault.....

And yes, thanks in no small part to the wonderful support from great people like you.....i am turning the corner.

 

Never again!

 

Yes this thread has developed a wonderful character of its own, inter twined with so many disparate, yet connected stories.

 

I'm so pleased that you are continuing to get better midnight

 

((((Midnight))))

 

And that reminds me..... actually, it is 'midnight' here! Time for bed! ? Goodnight midnight and all you wonderful posters

 

The auditor in me is calculating your time zone.

 

I read your long post on the other thread and I just want to say this - I think we all are to some extent as faithful as our options and our boundaries allow.

 

I think a lot of people who post here and come down hard on MW/MM, I would wonder how often they get hit on? It's easy to say how terrible another person is but I would ask, if you were at a low point in your life, your spouse of X years was not paying attention to you, you are getting older, life is just passing by - and suddenly - someone flirts with you, pays attention to you or says they have been in love with you for years (my particular situation) - what would you do? What would you really do?

 

It's like saying if you found a bag with a million dollars in cash in it, you would give it to the police. Would you? Would you really?

 

Or you are walking by a bunch of people beating one person up, would you get involved? Risk your own life? Or would you hesitate?

 

You just never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. You are right, you do feel alive in these things - the good part anyway. But coke makes you feel that way, heroin too.

 

And you can't say it's feasible to get those feelings back with your spouse. You just can't. You can love them - you can be happy. But you will never get that rush, it's not possible. And typically you probably never had it with your spouse because that rush tends to come with unhealthy relationships, so unless your marriage is a pile of crap, it probably went pretty smoothly.

 

My point is, I think we all want on some level what is bad for us. We crave bad food, we drink too much, we avoid the gym and we fall into affairs. We are self destructive as humans if left to our own devices. So I guess we need to be better disciplined or something, lest we destroy it all.

[Pinkfry]

I'm a first time poster but I have been following this particular forum thread since the beggining and felt only right to finally posted in here (hope that is okay)

I don't feel comfortable enough to share my entire story just yet but it's amazing how much strength and help just reading these forums have given me. It really is refreshing to know you aren't alone.

Anyways my almost 3 year A ended about a month ago. I had been the one pulling back for a few months previous as I was starting to "see the light", question everything and i was really sick of just getting the same excuses and crumbs. He kept hanging on, pulling me back in and telling me "things would change soon and please just wait for me".

Our last encounter I went into headstrong that I was NoT going to have sex with him (and I kept brushing him off for the week leading up to it)- long story short during our encourage he kept pushing and pushing to be intimate and I kept saying no and it got to the point I actually ran/drove away. He started crying as I was leaving and I called him 5 minutes after I left with no answer. I will note that he was always the one initiating contact with me -I wasn't "allowed" to contact him, one of the things that started driving me to get out of this A. now almost a month later I have received nothing but one message on a social media site (commenting about how my ass looks great-to which I DID NOT reply) from him.

Anyways I feel very angry today. Angry at him, angry at myself, angry I got myself into this situation, angry that he is still always on my mind. I kept thinking that I am 'happy' that he finally got it and hasn't contacted me (and im wondering if the sexual message he did send was a way of 'fishing'), but then Im angry of how it ended because so many times before I tried to tell him this wasnt for me and I wanted out but yet he kept roping me back in, so why this time was it different. I guess all along I wanted it to be more then just sex, and it finally came to head that we both were in it for different reasons.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when everything was foggy. Doesnt hurt as much.

Edited October 17, 2016 by Pinkfry

[Chica80]

I'm a first time poster but I have been following this particular forum thread since the beggining and felt only right to finally posted in here (hope that is okay)

I don't feel comfortable enough to share my entire story just yet but it's amazing how much strength and help just reading these forums have given me. It really is refreshing to know you aren't alone.

Anyways my almost 3 year A ended about a month ago. I had been the one pulling back for a few months previous as I was starting to "see the light", question everything and i was really sick of just getting the same excuses and crumbs. He kept hanging on, pulling me back in and telling me "things would change soon and please just wait for me".

Our last encounter I went into headstrong that I was NoT going to have sex with him (and I kept brushing him off for the week leading up to it)- long story short during our encourage he kept pushing and pushing to be intimate and I kept saying no and it got to the point I actually ran/drove away. He started crying as I was leaving and I called him 5 minutes after I left with no answer. I will note that he was always the one initiating contact with me -I wasn't "allowed" to contact him, one of the things that started driving me to get out of this A. now almost a month later I have received nothing but one message on a social media site (commenting about how my ass looks great-to which I DID NOT reply) from him.

Anyways I feel very angry today. Angry at him, angry at myself, angry I got myself into this situation, angry that he is still always on my mind. I kept thinking that I am 'happy' that he finally got it and hasn't contacted me (and im wondering if the sexual message he did send was a way of 'fishing'), but then Im angry of how it ended because so many times before I tried to tell him this wasnt for me and I wanted out but yet he kept roping me back in, so why this time was it different. I guess all along I wanted it to be more then just sex, and it finally came to head that we both were in it for different reasons.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when everything was foggy. Doesnt hurt as much.

 

HI welcome to this thread...It can be really scary other places. I get that.

 

3 years is along time. It does sound like a "fishing message" but what does it say that his message was about how great your @$$ looks. Not I miss you etc.... They always come back. Stay strong when they see you are getting stronger they come back more enticing....

 

keep posting

[Adoraxx]

I'm a first time poster but I have been following this particular forum thread since the beggining and felt only right to finally posted in here (hope that is okay)

I don't feel comfortable enough to share my entire story just yet but it's amazing how much strength and help just reading these forums have given me. It really is refreshing to know you aren't alone.

Anyways my almost 3 year A ended about a month ago. I had been the one pulling back for a few months previous as I was starting to "see the light", question everything and i was really sick of just getting the same excuses and crumbs. He kept hanging on, pulling me back in and telling me "things would change soon and please just wait for me".

Our last encounter I went into headstrong that I was NoT going to have sex with him (and I kept brushing him off for the week leading up to it)- long story short during our encourage he kept pushing and pushing to be intimate and I kept saying no and it got to the point I actually ran/drove away. He started crying as I was leaving and I called him 5 minutes after I left with no answer. I will note that he was always the one initiating contact with me -I wasn't "allowed" to contact him, one of the things that started driving me to get out of this A. now almost a month later I have received nothing but one message on a social media site (commenting about how my ass looks great-to which I DID NOT reply) from him.

Anyways I feel very angry today. Angry at him, angry at myself, angry I got myself into this situation, angry that he is still always on my mind. I kept thinking that I am 'happy' that he finally got it and hasn't contacted me (and im wondering if the sexual message he did send was a way of 'fishing'), but then Im angry of how it ended because so many times before I tried to tell him this wasnt for me and I wanted out but yet he kept roping me back in, so why this time was it different. I guess all along I wanted it to be more then just sex, and it finally came to head that we both were in it for different reasons.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to when everything was foggy. Doesnt hurt as much.

 

Hi Pinkfry!!

Welcome to the board! Your story sounds the same as my story... I always wanted it to be more than just sex too ... And I always got similar fishing messages.. It's very good that you finally decided to tell him NO!! Please keep this up and don't let him persuade you into giving him your body again. Is there any chance of you running into him?

[imperfectangel]

Ugh he sounds like my mm. Wants more but can't give it to me yet every message is about sex. Purlease. You've already made it a month nc that is the hardest part (for me anyway). Keep posting and reading it'll stop you from going back.

[Pinkfry]

Hi Pinkfry!!

Welcome to the board! Your story sounds the same as my story... I always wanted it to be more than just sex too ... And I always got similar fishing messages.. It's very good that you finally decided to tell him NO!! Please keep this up and don't let him persuade you into giving him your body again. Is there any chance of you running into him?

 

He WAS a coworker and left the company about 2 months ago. As I mention I was trying to get out of the A for a few months now , and I think a lot of the reason he kept fighting for me to stay in the A was because he had to see me everyday. He actually at one point told me if he couldn't have me he was just going to quit (which he ended up doing about 3 weeks after). the few encounters we had once he was gone was because we made arrangements to do so. We live about 45 minutes away from each other so most our interactions were around our workplace. So to answer your question Adoraxx very slim to none chance of running into him, unless he comes back to visit the workplace.

[Pinkfry]

HI welcome to this thread...It can be really scary other places. I get that.

 

3 years is along time. It does sound like a "fishing message" but what does it say that his message was about how great your @$$ looks. Not I miss you etc.... They always come back. Stay strong when they see you are getting stronger they come back more enticing....

 

keep posting

 

Thanks Sunshinechica. Exactly. I can remember my heart (no maybe just my stomach) sank when I saw he messaged me. I was preparing myself for the "hey boo I miss you like crazy" or "hey can we talk?" which had happened so many times before. I let it sit there unread for a few hours to try to gather my thought and strength on what I was going to do this time. I finally opened it and all it was a "i see that ass of your;)!". No "hi" no "how are you". I felt so dirty and instantly closed it and went to bed. It was like 3 years of "I love you" "no It's more then just sex" "you are more then a great body, I care about you and you are an amazing smart strong woman" we're just words to get what he needed from me- and I believed him and gave in.

We can't go back and change what happened and you are all right, we can only just open our eyes and move forward.

Thank you all for sharing your stories because it honestly has helped me and I don't feel so alone.

[jenkins95]

The auditor in me is calculating your time zone.

 

I read your long post on the other thread and I just want to say this - I think we all are to some extent as faithful as our options and our boundaries allow.

 

I think a lot of people who post here and come down hard on MW/MM, I would wonder how often they get hit on? It's easy to say how terrible another person is but I would ask, if you were at a low point in your life, your spouse of X years was not paying attention to you, you are getting older, life is just passing by - and suddenly - someone flirts with you, pays attention to you or says they have been in love with you for years (my particular situation) - what would you do? What would you really do?

 

It's like saying if you found a bag with a million dollars in cash in it, you would give it to the police. Would you? Would you really?

 

Or you are walking by a bunch of people beating one person up, would you get involved? Risk your own life? Or would you hesitate?

 

You just never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. You are right, you do feel alive in these things - the good part anyway. But coke makes you feel that way, heroin too.

 

And you can't say it's feasible to get those feelings back with your spouse. You just can't. You can love them - you can be happy. But you will never get that rush, it's not possible. And typically you probably never had it with your spouse because that rush tends to come with unhealthy relationships, so unless your marriage is a pile of crap, it probably went pretty smoothly.

 

My point is, I think we all want on some level what is bad for us. We crave bad food, we drink too much, we avoid the gym and we fall into affairs. We are self destructive as humans if left to our own devices. So I guess we need to be better disciplined or something, lest we destroy it all.

 

Wonderful post midnight. Isn't it cruel that the things we desire and set our pulses racing are usually so bad for us.

 

I know I should eat more apples..... But all too often I reach for the pizza!

 

And yes affairs have a forbidden exciting edgy quality that normal, legitimate, wholesome relationships just can't offer.... And once you've tasted it, boy is it hard to forget and stop craving that taste.

 

We just have to hope that time really is the healer that everyone says it is!

 

GMT, by the way! The time zone!

[Pinkfry]

Ugh he sounds like my mm. Wants more but can't give it to me yet every message is about sex. Purlease. You've already made it a month nc that is the hardest part (for me anyway). Keep posting and reading it'll stop you from going back.

 

Thank you IA for the encouragement. It's amazing the similarity we all share with our stories and AP. Yes this month has been tough and I kept switching from moments of empowerment, anger, sadness, regret, happiness, and everything In between. But I know each day it gets better. Like I said im afraid for the moment he does try to get me back (because I know it will happen it is just a matter of when). But I will say since posting yesterday it has helped lifted a weight off my shoulder and I feel ready to move forward with my life and happiness. I will keep on reading and positing thank you!

[Pinkfry]

Wow- guess who just got a "hi" text. I'm actually shaking. I need to be strong.