"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[ZBA]

That's so excellent! I try to meditate regularly and when I get in a groove it really does help. I stop reliving the past and projecting into the future. The things you mentioned are totally what I dwell on. Over and Over, unless I make a sustained effort to stay in the present and remind myself of the reality of the situation. The A offered nothing for me. it was self-destructive and threatened to take everything down around me. Nor was it healthy for her. I need to allow her to move on as well as really letting go myself. Meditation helps.

 

I had a good weekend. We had a couple of extended family functions which were great. That really gets me grounded. It reminds me of who I am and what is important to me. Thinking about you all too.

 

Rumblefish - wow, how incredibly cool to hear that someone else has used meditation to help through the torment of an A. My mind is just so scattered and all over the place right now, the pain is so fresh that I find it hard to really be present in the now. I'm only "half there" during most things: conversations with people, while taking care of daily tasks at home, during work, during a meal, while driving... all the time really. My mind does a number on me. So it's really an exercise in the most absolute simplest and most necessary of things: breathing and being present. I am trying.

 

The family functions sound lovely. Always an essential reminder of what you're fortunate to have - and want to keep. Hugs.

[Outofmysystem]

I had a good weekend as well, exercise (lifting weights) gets the endorphins going and keeps me in the now...it's often been suggested by others on here when you first get into a DDay, or NC or LC, it does help with the extra energy that your burning on the emotions....keeps you focused on the now as well. Also outside with the Fam around the pool and at a Water Park earlier this week, sun always boosts the mood as well. XMOW also posted some things on FB out with her kids, so she's kinda come out of hiding....I'm also able to look at her pics now with more indifference, I guess time does help, it's just hanging in there and letting it do its thing.....so hang in there ladies, and Rumble......it does get manageable.....

[Chica80]

HI everyone

 

I had a good weekend. Spent time w my kiddos and went to visit family.. It was long but overall a good weekend.

 

I was feeling a little anxious:

The other day we had a conversation (text) We've been in LC but he said we need to cool it. No more slip ups no more hurting eachother... Something about " I don't want to worry about something being seen on my phone". He hasn't said that before.

 

I said I can stop texting all together if you want. If it's better. He said no that's not what he meant. Just some distance.

 

I asked if something happened and he was very vague no real answer. Which made me think something did happen. Not sure.

 

Glad everyone is doing well...I agree about exercise and sun!!! Always makes me feel better.

[Poppy47]

I had a good weekend as well, exercise (lifting weights) gets the endorphins going and keeps me in the now...it's often been suggested by others on here when you first get into a DDay, or NC or LC, it does help with the extra energy that your burning on the emotions....keeps you focused on the now as well. Also outside with the Fam around the pool and at a Water Park earlier this week, sun always boosts the mood as well. XMOW also posted some things on FB out with her kids, so she's kinda come out of hiding....I'm also able to look at her pics now with more indifference, I guess time does help, it's just hanging in there and letting it do its thing.....so hang in there ladies, and Rumble......it does get manageable.....

 

I do weight training too Rumble. If you do it correctly, you will concentrate and be mindful. Afterwards, you will feel as though you have achieved a lot and those endorphins kick in.

 

Good weekend here too. Into the city twice. Once for my grandson's 20th celebration at yumcha and yesterday with a group of friends. I laughed so much yesterday I was exhausted.

 

New things, old things fill that space as time goes on. Keep busy and keep away from Face Book. That's what has always hooked me back in before.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

HI everyone

 

I had a good weekend. Spent time w my kiddos and went to visit family.. It was long but overall a good weekend.

 

I was feeling a little anxious:

The other day we had a conversation (text) We've been in LC but he said we need to cool it. No more slip ups no more hurting eachother... Something about " I don't want to worry about something being seen on my phone". He hasn't said that before.

 

I said I can stop texting all together if you want. If it's better. He said no that's not what he meant. Just some distance.

 

I asked if something happened and he was very vague no real answer. Which made me think something did happen. Not sure.

 

Glad everyone is doing well...I agree about exercise and sun!!! Always makes me feel better.

 

I think he can see the end of the road and wants to make sure he doesn't get caught out.

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

I think he can see the end of the road and wants to make sure he doesn't get caught out.

 

Poppy.

 

Ya maybe

 

We've tried to end things before, But always ended up back in the same place.

 

This time seems different, I hope.

[rumblefish12]

Ya maybe

 

We've tried to end things before, But always ended up back in the same place.

 

This time seems different, I hope.

 

You know it when it feels different, don't you? I feel the same way. Not to mention that it's gone way longer than any NC previously -- fully twice as long. I'm not letting my guard down though. Stay strong everybody. It's important to win each battle, but this is a war. Remember what you are fighting for.

[Chica80]

You know it when it feels different, don't you? I feel the same way. Not to mention that it's gone way longer than any NC previously -- fully twice as long. I'm not letting my guard down though. Stay strong everybody. It's important to win each battle, but this is a war. Remember what you are fighting for.

 

Thx I need to remember this. Whenever I think I don't want to do this anymore. I hate the lying the crumbs the deception. Ok we need to stop....

 

Then the sadness with the distance....the need to feel attached again, makes me want to reach out...not that I can't cause we are LC. But not the same. I miss that connection and then....back to the cycle.

[ZBA]

Ya maybe

 

We've tried to end things before, But always ended up back in the same place.

 

This time seems different, I hope.

 

Sunshinechica, you seem positive and at peace with the prospect of things being different this time. I'm happy for you

 

I wanted to add to the comments that I, too, have started lifting weights from a couple of weeks back. I've always been very active and the sport I partook in most days of the week is actually how I met my AP. The shared interest forged an even stronger bond between us. So this as been the hardest part of all, as I've lost my ability to partake in my passion (it's not just a hobby; I identify with this sport).

 

Lifting is a new focus. It's not at all the same, but it beats sitting at home.

[Chica80]

We work together today, and the next couple days......Torture!!!!

 

I have good moments and then a couple where I want to cry.

 

I have to say I'm getting good at acting. Being normal not sad. And not that I want to see him sad that's worse....but how can it be so easy for him to just sit there everything is ok no internal struggles?

 

Sorry not so easy today

[Sunshinegirl10]

Sunshinegirl! I have thought of you often since reading and replying to your thread. I know I didn't see you post much after that.

 

Can you share an update? How have you been, and what's been going on with your situation these days?

 

I'm hanging in - better than I was before...started taking St.Johns Wort...placebo lol? We are talking daily he is very clear about expectations (none) and so am I. Thinking about NC and how to get there slowly vs cold turkey. I know people here say it doesn't help but would like to have a f2f convo with him about it. Not likely anytime soon though. We will be back to a short tem NC soon (vacation) it will be the longest we've ever not communicated so I'm going to use it as practice! Thanks for asking !

[rumblefish12]

Lifting is a new focus. It's not at all the same, but it beats sitting at home.

 

I lift weights too. I have for several years. IN fact, with all the stress associated with the A, I lifted even harder when i was together with my XAP. And in early NC (in the many times of NC) working out was the only time I could get out of my head.

 

I wonder if it's purely chemical? The endorphin release substituting the release you got from the connection in the A. Brain chemicals are so ridiculously controlling. The urge for that release comes over me at times and I think to myself "Damnit! I want to talk to her RIGHT NOW!".

 

I'm a ****ing junkie. No use in denying it. It's better to own it and commit to getting passed it, I guess.

 

BTW, my XAP always got really pissed off when I would suggest that there was an addictive component to A's. She took it to mean our feelings weren't real. I still think about that -- what is real anyway? I felt it. She felt it. I'm certain that if we had left our spouses (I never considered it though) that we would not have made it longterm. But if it was limerence and not love, what's the difference when love in a perfectly healthy setting starts out as limerence anyway. IDK. It doesn't really matter now. Focus on the present.

[Sabella]

It's funny all this talk about addiction and lifting...doing the same here with a personal trainer. It really does help to exercise and get that endorphin release, it's become my new addiction I suppose. Wow.

 

Sounds like everyone has been doing pretty good, aside from the typical ups and downs . Had a lovely weekend with lots of activities.

 

Maybe we should take the exercise thing to the next level?, lol. Thinking about doing a spartan race or tough mudder in a few months. The exercise really does help so much with the A addiction and emotions.

 

Hang in there everyone

[Chica80]

I wonder if it's purely chemical? The endorphin release substituting the release you got from the connection in the A. Brain chemicals are so ridiculously controlling. The urge for that release comes over me at times and I think to myself "Damnit! I want to talk to her RIGHT NOW!".

 

I'm a ****ing junkie. No use in denying it. It's better to own it and commit to getting passed it, I guess.

.

 

RUMBLE haha so true....it's an addiction. Not that feelings aren't real...but yes I replace feelings or A with food shopping.. .

[ZBA]

I lift weights too. I have for several years. IN fact, with all the stress associated with the A, I lifted even harder when i was together with my XAP. And in early NC (in the many times of NC) working out was the only time I could get out of my head.

 

I wonder if it's purely chemical? The endorphin release substituting the release you got from the connection in the A. Brain chemicals are so ridiculously controlling. The urge for that release comes over me at times and I think to myself "Damnit! I want to talk to her RIGHT NOW!".

 

I'm a ****ing junkie. No use in denying it. It's better to own it and commit to getting passed it, I guess.

 

BTW, my XAP always got really pissed off when I would suggest that there was an addictive component to A's. She took it to mean our feelings weren't real. I still think about that -- what is real anyway? I felt it. She felt it. I'm certain that if we had left our spouses (I never considered it though) that we would not have made it longterm. But if it was limerence and not love, what's the difference when love in a perfectly healthy setting starts out as limerence anyway. IDK. It doesn't really matter now. Focus on the present.

 

Rumble, I really enjoy the clarity and honesty in your posts.

 

A's are definitely addictions. I understand why that thought would upset your xAP. To be honest, I'm not sure whether that means the feelings are any less real—I guess it depends on the A. In my case, it took over 2 years before we ever uttered the "L" word. We never wanted to get wrapped up in emotions. But after the endless amount of REAL time together (seeing each other nearly every day; phone calls about everything; meals and coffees discussing life, our thoughts, our own selves; being there for each other through some ups and then serious downs), I do feel the love was real. Even if I was/still am addicted to it.

 

I know former drug addicts who replaced their need for substance abuse with exercise. One in particular comes to mind who became suuuuper bulky/muscular... maybe it was his only way of making a life change. I think the ability to become addicted to things might be a character trait, so perhaps in the end we do transfer from one thing to another (hopefully something healthier, such as exercise).

 

As I mentioned before, my situation is a bit complicated since the A was inextricably linked to a sport I am absolutely, positively passionate about. I am still mourning the loss of the community, friends, and my days of training in competing in that sport (my AP is an important figure in that community... he got to "keep" his place there, while I quit after DD). That world was part of my daily routine for over 7 years! Maybe lifting will grow on me; for now I'm going through the motions and trying to at least focus on something new.

[Lostgirl186]

I had an ok weekend myself... Friday and Saturday went pretty good, kept myself busy with my little one and swimming etc..then Sunday a photo popped up on social media newsfeed (he doesn't have one but she does) of them on the their happy family trip.. And well, you all know how that feels when the feelings are still raw and you see something like that.. But I keep trying to tel myself "he's not mine to be jealous over, he's not mine to want.." And hoping that after not being allowed to text him or anything for at least the next week that I can feel better and not WANT to talk to him every day.

 

As for the lifting, I similar with my working out...I'm a cardio junkie. I seem to want to hit it hard core I'm not sure if it's the need to clean my head for that hour or two a day or if I'm wanting to make myself look and feel fantastic to substitute the feeling of not being wanted by him... Also, I failed to mention that I got a tattoo Saturday night...I felt amazing during and for hours afterward... This falls into the addiction category and substituting one for another I think... This is my third one this year, seems like everytime we've had a major blowup (usually after sex) I've gotten a new one I never correlated the two things together until reading up some on addiction... Interesting...

[ZBA]

Sunshinegirl, good to hear an update. It sounds like you are keeping your wits about you, despite how understandably hard it is. It's a positive thing that he's not future faking with you, and that you both know where things stand. Still, I'm sorry that this is so difficult. Trust me, I empathize.

 

Sunshinechica...keep practicing that poker face. Seeing him must be rough! If you need to cry at times, allow that...take a moment when you are alone, and let the feelings out. I think it's better to experience your emotions honestly than suppress them. On an unrelated note, I haven't seen my AP in 3 weeks. I'm craving his presence

 

Sabella, I think it really does help to take things to the next level, even with exercise. Gives you a goal, you know? A new focus. Something to aspire toward! I totally think you should do that tough mudder or whatever appeals to you

[Chica80]

LOST

 

I got a tattoo last week!!!! Haha

 

I find it so nice, how much we all have in common. Helps to not feel so alone

 

RUMBLE is it bad I like reading your post when you talk about missing her etc.. I hope he feels the same about me even when he puts on a happy face.

[ZBA]

LOST and SUNSHINECHICA - that's so funny, the tattoo coincidence. Do your tattoos in any way (directly or indirectly) relate to what you have gone through recently? Or are they completely unrelated?

[Chica80]

LOST and SUNSHINECHICA - that's so funny, the tattoo coincidence. Do your tattoos in any way (directly or indirectly) relate to what you have gone through recently? Or are they completely unrelated?

 

 

Yes. I got an owl. To try to remember to be "wise"

[rumblefish12]

LOST -- RUMBLE is it bad I like reading your post when you talk about missing her etc.. I hope he feels the same about me even when he puts on a happy face.

 

I don't think it is bad at all. It's funny because I tend to think the same thing -- she's forgotten all about me; she's decided she never loved me anyway; she's moved on completely; she's wondering what did I see in him; etc -- It's such a game of projection.

 

You should know that I too try to put on a brave/happy face. Also, as far as she knows, I don't think about her at all. She has NO way to gauge that I'm thinking about her. I disappeared off social media entirely, so it must be much more like a death from her perspective. With that said, I think about her, I care about her, and I really miss her. It doesn't mean it was right or that I want to go back there now, but it really hurts. And unless your MMen were sociopaths (it's possible -- I'm probably a mild narcissist I think/not full on lol) then they are hurting too. My XAP may be a sociopath though lol. I used to tease her about that due to some of her darker tendencies. It sounds really twisted now that I say it. Man, she could've been the ruin of me (still might I guess).

[Chica80]

Thanks

 

I see him and I really want to say. I miss you! I wish we could spend time together. I want to know what happened, last week?

 

But instead I smile. Talk only about work...

And it kills me!!! You tease and joke and I wish I could see that look that says you miss me that you're not eating and you're not sleeping..... (and now I'm crying)

 

The thing is none of those things are helpful....that's the whole point right not falling back into that!

[rumblefish12]

The thing is none of those things are helpful....that's the whole point right not falling back into that!

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. This stuff is just horrible all around. No one gets out without a heavy dose of pain. When I read the posters who want validation as they are getting into an A I want to shake them! "wake up! You're going to suffer! It's unavoidable!"

 

Hang in there, Sunshinechica. It'll get better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I lift weights too. I have for several years. IN fact, with all the stress associated with the A, I lifted even harder when i was together with my XAP. And in early NC (in the many times of NC) working out was the only time I could get out of my head.

 

I wonder if it's purely chemical? The endorphin release substituting the release you got from the connection in the A. Brain chemicals are so ridiculously controlling. The urge for that release comes over me at times and I think to myself "Damnit! I want to talk to her RIGHT NOW!".

 

I'm a ****ing junkie. No use in denying it. It's better to own it and commit to getting passed it, I guess.

 

 

I hear you. I've stopped trying to fight the feelings. I just try to control my reaction. And the exercise, since you brought it up. I have a Fitbit and I've been doing 6-7 miles a day. I'm in these competitions and I'm just nuts about it. One day I got 25K steps. I am not a huge runner, I've past 40, so I watch that part but I walk and walk and walk. I have muscles and a thigh gap now, haha. For some reason that is particularly exciting to my husband. I also love to lift weights too.

 

My husband says my best revenge is to look good to this guy and normally the person never sees you but in my situation, I do see him weekly. He's sat in a pot of spaghetti since it ended and packed on 25 lbs of fat. Oddly I still am attracted to him, no f-ing clue why. Obviously I have a mental disorder.

 

Working out is the only way to really feel better - that and sleep. It is highs and lows though as xMM is a fitbit friend. I've deleted him 3 times and then I take him back. He is in the competitions anyway as other people know him. I keep saying something is wrong with my phone and it keeps deleting him.

 

The good thing about LC is it really does sort of fade over the months. There's been no physical contact at all since it ended and slowly it's getting to that point where I could not really imagine anything . At the same time though, I still have feelings. It's bizarre and I don't understand it at all.

[Outofmysystem]

I like that we all have exercise as another commonality, addiction too sure, but at least we have some healthy habits also, lol.....part of me was always wanting to be more into weights, it took me the loss of her and all that time to really focus, and for her to be my motivation for what I do now....I workout 6 days a week, no excuses, and I have to say, I look pretty damn good...lol....she hasn't seen me face to face (full body shot either) and I know she would **** her pants!, lol.....I've dropped 20 lbs and put on 15 pounds of muscle, at 50....yea, there's my silver lining....

 

Now for the mild crappy news.....she caught me today at the light on the way to work, hadn't seen her in months.....sometimes things time out to where we catch each other, she works right down the street from me at another store (one I was going to work at to till things went to ****) she has a sports car that's easy to spot, the color is not common....I turned her on to it because I've always had one as well....I have one too, a rival brand though that I think is better (because it is) and mine is a new version of my old one.....I don't think she knows I traded in my old one for the new one so I can't be sure if she knew it was me or not?....her windows were down a bit and if she had pulled beside me I was really going to roll my down and say something, and again, we haven't even talked to each other in 6 months....some text but that it, nothing in the last 2 since its been full NC.....my heart was racing, mouth kinda dry, adrenaline running (I'm sure we've all felt it!)....addiction???, oh yea, no doubt.....but the light turned, she was in the other lane and got out front, never got beside her and then she turned into the complex on the way to the garage.....

 

So my rant, if I can is.....part of all this is bull****.....I really hate feeling like that, like I'm in high school again and I can't talk to my X because of bla, bla, bla.....it's so stupid and childish, something she had the audacity to call me at the end which was stupid too because SHE was the one acting like that.

 

And then yes, like all of you I got the, "does she even care?", "did she really love me?", "does she miss me like I do her?, the conversations, holding her hand, running my fingers through her hair?....the sex that was perfect??"......all that spills around in my head, fueled by the chemicals dissipating in my brain till it leaves a residue on my whole day.......

 

So.....hang in there ( speaking to myself also)......there will be moments that you can't control......

 

And no, I didn't text, call, honk or do anything except just drive on to work......

 

Nothing can be something a lot of times