"Destabilization Phase" and your thoughts and experience

[rumblefish12]

It took me 1 year of complete NC to reach indifference. I am very happy I went NC it sure helped me to move on. It was not easy AT ALL but possible.

 

I totally agree that NC is the only way for me to actually move on and heal. Lady, you said you did lose him as a friend? That runs through my mind constantly. I know if she isn't already hating me that she will be soon. That hating me will be her way of contextualizing everything. Meaning "He was just a D!@$ anyway" That really hurts and who knows if it is even true, but it is something I obsess about in NC.

 

The other thing that I'm realizing is how powerful limerence really is. I'm getting to a point at 3-4 months of NC where I feel like I'm on the verge of taking some big strides in healing, but there's a big part of me that doesn't want to let go. It is really almost ALL pain right now when I do think about her, and yet I don't want to let that go? WTH is that?!

 

Part of it is knowing that if I'm letting go, then she's letting go, right? And when that happens, it's gone forever. Well THAT'S what I'm striving for, isn't it? I love my wife and family. I don't want to lose them. If I reconnected with her and started the insanity all over again, chances are good that I'd devastate my family.

 

So WTF is all this then? Limerence, you bastard.

[ladydesigner]

I totally agree that NC is the only way for me to actually move on and heal. Lady, you said you did lose him as a friend? That runs through my mind constantly. I know if she isn't already hating me that she will be soon. That hating me will be her way of contextualizing everything. Meaning "He was just a D!@$ anyway" That really hurts and who knows if it is even true, but it is something I obsess about in NC.

 

The other thing that I'm realizing is how powerful limerence really is. I'm getting to a point at 3-4 months of NC where I feel like I'm on the verge of taking some big strides in healing, but there's a big part of me that doesn't want to let go. It is really almost ALL pain right now when I do think about her, and yet I don't want to let that go? WTH is that?!

 

Part of it is knowing that if I'm letting go, then she's letting go, right? And when that happens, it's gone forever. Well THAT'S what I'm striving for, isn't it? I love my wife and family. I don't want to lose them. If I reconnected with her and started the insanity all over again, chances are good that I'd devastate my family.

 

So WTF is all this then? Limerence, you bastard.

 

Yes that is what you are striving for

 

All the thoughts and fears you listed are completely normal. Over time my resentment waned and I reached indifference. I don't look back and miss the friendship anymore either. There was a time that I did, but it passed. Time is always the healer, but I know we all wish there was a fast forward button.

[rumblefish12]

I held strong yesterday... But I don't know if I'm going to make it today.

 

LG ~ How are you doing?

[Lostgirl186]

LG ~ How are you doing?

 

Not good. I couldn't stand it so I caved. Just asked if he was angry about me blowing up Friday. He wasn't mean.. Just cold and distant like I expected. Basically let me know he wasn't going to be rude to me or not speak, but that he wasn't going to be any fun either... The fun part referring to any in appropriate behavior with me I presume. Also went into how hectic work was and that he wasn't "mad or upset or anything." Basically like he don't thought about it at all.

 

I need to accept that it's over this time. I realize and I can feel it.. I just need to let go. I didn't act like I was hurt or anything, just told him I wasn't feeling it (obviously a lie) for the past five days since it had all happened, just wanted to apologize for blowing up. (I realize that fed his ego.) I also suggested that we devise a plan in case one of got the itch again (at this point it's better for me to pretend I don't want him also..) he didn't respond to any of it after I suggested I wasn't feeling it etc... I needed to know if there was any of the old him in there and there's not... There's nothing left in him for me. Hard to believe e a month ago today we were tangled up in the best sex we've had yet, and immediately after everything went to hell. I think I'm numb, I've cried most of the afternoon. I brought it on myself but I had to know.

[ladydesigner]

Not good. I couldn't stand it so I caved. Just asked if he was angry about me blowing up Friday. He wasn't mean.. Just cold and distant like I expected. Basically let me know he wasn't going to be rude to me or not speak, but that he wasn't going to be any fun either... The fun part referring to any in appropriate behavior with me I presume. Also went into how hectic work was and that he wasn't "mad or upset or anything." Basically like he don't thought about it at all.

 

I need to accept that it's over this time. I realize and I can feel it.. I just need to let go. I didn't act like I was hurt or anything, just told him I wasn't feeling it (obviously a lie) for the past five days since it had all happened, just wanted to apologize for blowing up. (I realize that fed his ego.) I also suggested that we devise a plan in case one of got the itch again (at this point it's better for me to pretend I don't want him also..) he didn't respond to any of it after I suggested I wasn't feeling it etc... I needed to know if there was any of the old him in there and there's not... There's nothing left in him for me. Hard to believe e a month ago today we were tangled up in the best sex we've had yet, and immediately after everything went to hell. I think I'm numb, I've cried most of the afternoon. I brought it on myself but I had to know.

 

(((Lostgirl186))) please go NC for your sanity! None of his answers were made to soothe your hurt only to reinforce what has already been stated. Even if he were to tell you he missed you, for how long would that feeling last? I'm sorry you are hurting

[rumblefish12]

There's nothing left in him for me.

 

There's a lot of value in knowing. I know it hurts, but this is your starting point. You now have a foundation to build. You're going to be okay.

 

You know most of the time when the MM is getting bashed on LS I want to say, "Hey, we aren't all bad."* But your MM seems to be a caricature of the worst discussed on here. You're sooooo much better off without this guy.

 

I realize too I don't have any room to talk; my XAP (MOW) said and did some HORRIBLE things to me and I took her back ... and still pine for her at times. It's limerence, LG. Our brains have been thoroughly washed.

 

*[bTW I realize I've been bad but trying to redeem myself and hope that bad acts don't make a bad person.]

[Sabella]

LC didn't work for me, I tried for about a month to go that route. In order for him to do it, he had to be really be detached and cold. It was horrendous hearing that in his voice. It was like watching everything slowly die. Everything that was once in technicolor, turned gray and lifeless. There was also the selfish thought that if I ripped off the band aid and ended it, he would miss me and beg me back. At that point I wasn't even sure I would take him back, but I wanted to know I mattered.

 

As every week goes by, I confirm that he was more important to me than I was to him. I'm resolved to go out with grace and not beg him back. The days of wanting to are less and less for sure, but they still crop up from time to time.

 

I suppose everyone needs to sort out what works best for them, and I don't judge that decision. I guess I just couldn't hack LC.

 

I'm thinking of you LG and everyone else here struggling. I'm wishing us all strength to move on and onto a more positive, fullfilling life.

[Poppy47]

Dear ZBA and anybody else in LC, I have been there and done that quite a few times. We always ended up together again.

 

What are you hoping for by hanging on by a thread? I know it's hard to let go, but it's a lot harder and more destructive to you, to stay in the affair long term.

 

Let go. If you lose a friend, that's the price you pay for having the A. There are more friends to be had in the world.

 

If you stay LC, there is also a chance you will relapse all together.

 

Poppy.

[Lostgirl186]

We work for same organization and briefly run into each other once a week or so. Will probably see him tomorrow.. I guess my best option is to act happy and hope he doesn't talk to me (which I'm doubtful he will.) letting him know I'm hurting is letting him win. He's used to me always being there ..and I know it makes it easier for him knowing that I want him.... And now I just need to not be there, to be indifferent. My biggest fear is that when I finally start feeling better, (he will be gone for two weeks this month) he will pop back in or notice that I'm gone. I don't think he will... But the fear is there. I'm so sorry I caved guys.

[ladydesigner]

We work for same organization and briefly run into each other once a week or so. Will probably see him tomorrow.. I guess my best option is to act happy and hope he doesn't talk to me (which I'm doubtful he will.) letting him know I'm hurting is letting him win. He's used to me always being there ..and I know it makes it easier for him knowing that I want him.... And now I just need to not be there, to be indifferent. My biggest fear is that when I finally start feeling better, (he will be gone for two weeks this month) he will pop back in or notice that I'm gone. I don't think he will... But the fear is there. I'm so sorry I caved guys.

 

Get ready for this girl! They always seem to pop back in when you are getting stronger. Just ignore (it will hurt like a motherf**ker) but you will get to a place of empowerment.

 

And if he doesn't contact... good! It will make it easier for you to detach and let go!

 

Best wishes to you!

[rumblefish12]

My biggest fear is that when I finally start feeling better, he will pop back in or notice that I'm gone. .... I'm so sorry I caved guys.

 

If he's true to form, he'll reappear as soon as he thinks you've moved on. Just be strong.

 

And no apologies necessary. Good lord, my XAP and I did this dance probably 15 times. Get this, the last time I caved and contacted her it was because of a post on her FB that suggested she was going in for emergency surgery and might never come out. I reached out to her in a panic, like I was going to be some support for her. Turns out she was having a tooth pulled.

 

This time is different for me ... for us. LG - just feel that this time is different and you'll govern yourself accordingly. We're here to help.

[Lostgirl186]

If he's true to form, he'll reappear as soon as he thinks you've moved on. Just be strong.

 

And no apologies necessary. Good lord, my XAP and I did this dance probably 15 times. Get this, the last time I caved and contacted her it was because of a post on her FB that suggested she was going in for emergency surgery and might never come out. I reached out to her in a panic, like I was going to be some support for her. Turns out she was having a tooth pulled.

 

This time is different for me ... for us. LG - just feel that this time is different and you'll govern yourself accordingly. We're here to help.

 

Another thing that makes it difficult on me is that his right hand employee under him is one of my best friends. We talk multiple times a day etc and everytime they're swamped etc I have to hear about it.. I can't exactly tell her why I don't want to talk about him bc she has no clue. She called this afternoon and confirmed how busy they had been all day etc.. It's still no excuse for how he acts....just shows where I am on the totem pole

[rumblefish12]

Another thing that makes it difficult on me is .....

 

LG - It will be a whole lot less difficult once you're completely indifferent to him. And you will get there.

 

I hope has been uneventful?

[Chica80]

HI LOST just checking in and wondering how today is going?

[ZBA]

LOST, I am thinking of you today too. Please let us know how you are feeling... hope you are doing okay... and even if you aren't, you have friends here to listen. Hugs.

[Chica80]

ZBA how have things been since your talk? Is it different have you guys been here before?

[ZBA]

ZBA how have things been since your talk? Is it different have you guys been here before?

 

Thanks for thinking of me SUNSHINECHICA. No, this whole situation for the past month (since his DD) has been entirely new, never been through this. This is someone I used to see 6x per week with lots of phone calls and texts in between. So to go from that, to seeing him 2x in the past month and rare talks... we're both having a hard time.

 

Since yesterday's long phone call, I sent him a quick text hello today...he replied and we chatted over text very briefly. Somewhat nice to "feel" like he's reachable, although obviously I want to talk more. But I do feel better than the prior two weeks when there was almost nothing.

 

How are you doing??

[Chica80]

Hi I'm doing ok... We seem to have established a new sense of "normal"

Still text but not as much. Yesterday we saw eachother (we work together).

 

It feels different, but we've been here before? I'm hoping to stick to it this time. I mean just LC nothing more...

[ZBA]

Hi I'm doing ok... We seem to have established a new sense of "normal"

Still text but not as much. Yesterday we saw eachother (we work together).

 

It feels different, but we've been here before? I'm hoping to stick to it this time. I mean just LC nothing more...

 

Ha, you just (for the most part) replied to my question from a different thread here, SUNSHINE

 

Anyway, I hope you can stay strong too. In some ways it sounds tough. The reason I say that is, my situation is forced, there was a DD, so I can't just pick up the phone and make plans to hang out or talk like before. In your case, it's all about self-control. So I seriously commend you, girl!

[Lostgirl186]

I'm here today.. Going thru the motions.. Saw him this morning as I figured I would. Hurts like hell but I tried to put on my best face to everyone else. I'm pretending to be ok with "friends" or whatever it is we are supposed to be around the rest of the world. After tomorrow he's gone for a while, so I'm gunning for a total cleanse during that time

[Lostgirl186]

Thanks for thinking of me SUNSHINECHICA. No, this whole situation for the past month (since his DD) has been entirely new, never been through this. This is someone I used to see 6x per week with lots of phone calls and texts in between. So to go from that, to seeing him 2x in the past month and rare talks... we're both having a hard time.

 

Since yesterday's long phone call, I sent him a quick text hello today...he replied and we chatted over text very briefly. Somewhat nice to "feel" like he's reachable, although obviously I want to talk more. But I do feel better than the prior two weeks when there was almost nothing.

 

How are you doing??

 

 

Your doing awesome. I couldn't imagine how bad things would be if we had dday on this side. I would probably have to move to another country

[ZBA]

I'm here today.. Going thru the motions.. Saw him this morning as I figured I would. Hurts like hell but I tried to put on my best face to everyone else. I'm pretending to be ok with "friends" or whatever it is we are supposed to be around the rest of the world. After tomorrow he's gone for a while, so I'm gunning for a total cleanse during that time

 

Seriously so proud of you, LG - fake it til you make it, right? I think you eventually WILL feel the way you act...it's just a matter of getting there. And after he leaves tomorrow, it might do you a lot of good like you said. Keep your head up girl <3 As others have suggested, keep writing your feelings down and talking to us here.

 

I'm really not doing as well as you might think, ha. Another country? Pffft, I wish I could move to another planet, but then again, you can't escape emotions that are internal. I probably sound deluded, but in a way I envy that you have a reason to see your MM at work. Even if you don't interact, I would imagine it would help slowly wane you off the A? I went from seeing AND talking to MM daily, to nothing. At times I experience painful withdrawals, anxiety, and sadness - other times, just numbness. Since yesterday we're back to suuuuper LC, which feels less agonizing than the prior NC. Our A was at its highest peak when he got caught, so yes...I miss the hell out of him.

[Lostgirl186]

Seriously so proud of you, LG - fake it til you make it, right? I think you eventually WILL feel the way you act...it's just a matter of getting there. And after he leaves tomorrow, it might do you a lot of good like you said. Keep your head up girl <3 As others have suggested, keep writing your feelings down and talking to us here.

 

I'm really not doing as well as you might think, ha. Another country? Pffft, I wish I could move to another planet, but then again, you can't escape emotions that are internal. I probably sound deluded, but in a way I envy that you have a reason to see your MM at work. Even if you don't interact, I would imagine it would help slowly wane you off the A? I went from seeing AND talking to MM daily, to nothing. At times I experience painful withdrawals, anxiety, and sadness - other times, just numbness. Since yesterday we're back to suuuuper LC, which feels less agonizing than the prior NC. Our A was at its highest peak when he got caught, so yes...I miss the hell out of him.

 

We were at our peak when we got physical a month ago.. We hadn't had the opportunity for many weeks prior to a month ago to physically do anything, but the phone sex etc was daily leading up to it.. And then the most intimate yet animalistic encounter we've had to date happened and he went total freak out.. Which has led us to where we are today (one "relapse" happens the second week after with a phone situation..that was his word not mine ugh.) at first I thought he might have caught a feeling bc of the intensity and amount we were interacting up until that point...now I think he's just an ass..

[Chica80]

Ha, you just (for the most part) replied to my question from a different thread here, SUNSHINE

 

In your case, it's all about self-control. So I seriously commend you, girl!

 

Hahaha not so much self control as self preservation. I don't want there to be a DDAY and him to cut off all contact with me. He would not because I don't mean anything or am not important but because he would have to.

 

The last couple times we have seen eachother he has left with "evidence" scratches etc...staying out super late. So ya we have to stop.

 

Question to my male friends on here: Did you ever afterwards have any traces of "physical evidence" and why would you let that happen. Is it because you think you wont get caught? Or makes it more exciting not to get caught? Just curious?

[Chica80]

We were at our peak when we got physical a month ago.. We hadn't had the opportunity for many weeks prior to a month ago to physically do anything, but the phone sex etc was daily leading up to it.. And then the most intimate yet animalistic encounter we've had to date happened and he went total freak out.. Which has led us to where we are today (one "relapse" happens the second week after with a phone situation..that was his word not mine ugh.) at first I thought he might have caught a feeling bc of the intensity and amount we were interacting up until that point...now I think he's just an ass..

 

Lostgirl

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I think Rumble stated in one of his post he really does sound like the stereotypical version of MM on these post. You are in pain and all he had to say was you didn't hurt his ego?? What an a**

You alluded once that your marriage was not good. Is your husband the same way as MM? Why do you continue to let these men hurt you and treat you this way.

Please know this is not coming from judgement. I ask myself these same questions....