So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Blanco]

I'm still healing a bit from my last relationship, and part of that is because I spent so much time focusing on what she was thinking or doing and not nearly as much time focusing on myself or what I needed to do.

[Protec]

Thank you for kind words.

 

She still sent me one more message, again blaming me. "Third time you got angry was enough. You really should get help to that violence issue of yours".

 

I am not violent. I haven never even been in a fight. I have never attacked on anyone out there. Sure Violent person seeks fights on purpose. I do admit i have anger management control problems. But i don't get angry without reason. I admit i did push her once, away from me when i had just awful feeling, she tried to get close. I just couldn't let her come near me. "don't come closer i said". And pushed her. It was not a hard push, but still a push. I cannot defend myself. I pushed her away.

 

So i have a problem, i admit it. Currently browsing through pages to find where i could get some therapy for it.

 

Yesterday i said to her "just look at the mirror. I don't get angry over nothing."

"OH SO YOU BLAME ME FOR GETTING ANGRY???!!!". Yes. She is part of the reason. I don't get angry on my own. She doesnt' notice it that all the mixed messages, pulling away mentally and physically, then saying stuff like she wants to go party alone etc. created lots of anxiety in me. I had no idea what was going on! And i didn't get any explanations even when i asked her. So i became frustrated, and frustration lead to anger.

 

It was wrong, yes. But her behaviour towards me triggered it = taking distance, not willing to talk: leaving other me alone, wondering what is going on, without any reason or answers. "why she acts like that? What did i do? Is something wrong with me? What is going on?"

 

Only after when i got angry she told me. And i apologized. And it wasn't like i was a racing lunatic yelling her face red, no. It was usually this frustration kind. And usually with a calm voice.

 

i know she well tell her new man "My ex was this RACING LUNATIC!!!". Because she never had said anything good about her ex's. That was a huge red flag i completely wanted to miss when i started to date her. She blamed her exes for everything.

 

I makes me so sad I am so sad atm. I loved her so much i would've wanted to forgive her cheating...but she couldn't ever forget my anger problems. And it's not like i get angry over every little things. No. I have very long fuse. VERY. I am super calm. Even in school teachers always praised how well mannered and nice kid i am.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

I did the first step. I went to local medical office and got my self doctor appointment time.

And doctor can write me a letter to get into therapy etc.

 

This is the first step. Who knows, maybe they find something else from me

I hope not. But this is a repeating pattern. I do attach myself too strongly to people. I get jealous easily for no reason. But it actually depends who i am dating at the time. I was never jealous when me first GF had her school finishing dance with another guy. No, all i though "wow, she is beautiful in that dress" (there is no prom dance in finland but we call it the "oldest dance", because oldest persons in school finish. There was no reason to be jealous. When we were at parties, she talked with other guys etc. I was not jealous. They were her friends. She was not there trying to hit on them.

 

But this woman... and all the stories she told me "Yeah i just suddenly left with a guy on a boat to an island and cheated my boyfriend".

 

It does NOT give you a trusting image, it was also in quite the beginning of our relationship. That is also a sort of a mindgame right there. Who on earth brags about with stuff like that? In early stage of an relationship. It was like she was proud of it

 

You can tell you have cheated, but i dunno. I don't personally like to hear my new girlfriends past sex adventures with other guys or cheatin adventures. Telling "i have cheated in the past" is ok, that's cool. But "I was just so drunk and...was mad at my boyfriend so i suddenly just left with a guy and cheated :D" That is NOT cool.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

You don't need to hope it's over, because it's totally within your control whether it is or not. That doesn't make it easy, but it's not something that needs to be left to chance.

 

I'm a little concerned that your parting words were along the lines of, "You won't see me again, but you know where to find me." Decoded, that just sounds more like you playing games and subconsciously hoping she will seek you out if you make her think she won't see you again.

 

Yeah. it was bad choice of words. I was very nervous at the moment. I have noticed when i get nervous etc. i babble so much useless information.

 

And again i spend too much time thinking "Why?". And i am blaming myself now for all of this. I did get angry and I reacted poorly to some stuff she did. And now i lost her. But i still would like to meet her...she was good friend to me. I would love to some day go with her and play a round of frisbee golf.

 

i hate when all my breakups happen at summer. :/ I am waiting the whole winter for summer so we can do nice things together and then BOOM! 1st week of summer and "let's break up". crap.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

Is it wrong to get angry for being mistreated? All that push/pull behaviour?

 

I know it's wrong to blame her, it's me who is in control of my emotions.

 

Is it wrong? AM I the abuser? Is it really wrong to become angry after her cheating me?

 

Oh god. I don't know about anything anymore. Anger is normal feeling... When someone hurts us over and over again, we tend to get angry. Yes. I should have left. Just out from the situation. Never said a word. Just "Sorry. I feel irritated now". And walked to other room, to cool down. I handled it wrong...

 

And what hurts the most that she cannot forgive me what i've done...so i feel like i am the ultimate a-hole here, and this all happened because of me.

[Art_Critic]

Yesterday i said to her

 

You need to STOP talking to her in any fashion, the new contact is what is making you feel like crap not the old relationship.

 

STOP all contact with her, no texting, calls, emails or smoke signals and you will start to feel better.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Is it wrong to get angry for being mistreated? All that push/pull behaviour?

 

I know it's wrong to blame her, it's me who is in control of my emotions.

 

Is it wrong? AM I the abuser? Is it really wrong to become angry after her cheating me?

 

Oh god. I don't know about anything anymore. Anger is normal feeling... When someone hurts us over and over again, we tend to get angry. Yes. I should have left. Just out from the situation. Never said a word. Just "Sorry. I feel irritated now". And walked to other room, to cool down. I handled it wrong...

 

And what hurts the most that she cannot forgive me what i've done...so i feel like i am the ultimate a-hole here, and this all happened because of me.

 

I'm really worried about you Protec. This woman is destroying you piece by piece, and the saddest part is that you accept it like you deserve to be punished.

 

Her behavior is cruel and toxic. You don't deserve this.

[Blanco]

The scary thing about being with someone who is at all emotionally abusive is that you do eventually get to a point where you really don't know any longer if they are at fault or not.

 

You become so accustomed to everything somehow getting turned on you; everything is your fault, whether it was your actions or the other person's. You start out knowing that this is madness, but the longer you stay, the more immersed you become in the crazy. Eventually, you just don't know for sure what's what and you start believing that maybe everything is your fault.

 

It's a horrible feeling.

[Protec]

The scary thing about being with someone who is at all emotionally abusive is that you do eventually get to a point where you really don't know any longer if they are at fault or not.

 

You become so accustomed to everything somehow getting turned on you; everything is your fault, whether it was your actions or the other person's. You start out knowing that this is madness, but the longer you stay, the more immersed you become in the crazy. Eventually, you just don't know for sure what's what and you start believing that maybe everything is your fault.

 

It's a horrible feeling.

 

This is what is going on... at first i knew it's not my fault, it's her. But little by little all the twists and turns have made me feel i am the real criminal here. Maybe it was all me all along. That's what she has been saying for few months now. ANd sometimes i have been perfect, then again i have been the bad guy.

 

But good news. I finally am going to get some help. I need therapy etc.

 

Here goes "Hi, i'm Protec and i have problems. I have problems with co-dependency and i have problem controlling my anger when i get very angry." "

 

I admit i have done wrong things in relationship too. Once i got so angry i punched the staircase at her home. Not hard but still had to let steam out. Better punch a staircase or something NOT LIVING. It was under influence of alcohol.

 

So there. I have a PROBLEM. Under no events, shoud person get so angry that he will punch walls, furniture etc. Alcohol + arguing lead to that.

 

So i really better stay off from alcohol.

 

You may want not to talk with me after this but this is my CONFESSION.

 

1) I have never bruised my GF's in any way.

2) I've been so angry i have almost put my hand on her throat.

3) I once punched my friends eye black. It was when i was a kid. I apologized, we were friends afterward.

4) I was teased in school because i had short fuse. PEople knew it, so they loved to pick on me just so i explode.

5) I have NEVER attacked anyone in public.

6) I have never harmed myself in anyway, or tried to harm. I cannot do it.

7) I have punched a wall so my hand got bruised. Well..self harm there. LEarned after that punching walls even how angry is not good.

8) I have touched, and used physical force on my GF's.

-I pushed her to stay away from me when i was angry

-I touched her when i was angry and moved her by holding her shoulders..

 

There. My confession. Anger has been part of my life always. When i was a kid i used to be angry at least once a day, because i was picked on. When i got older, i simply decided to daydream. I figured: If i don't do anything stupid, people cannot pick on me. So i daydreamed inside my head all the time. I still had friends, don't get that wrong. But, are good friends really like that they pick on you at school and then are your friends at free time? Well..we were young.

 

I was calm when i was kid too, but for some reason i defended myself with anger and rage. It was a self defense mechanism. So i still think i somehow use that anger to defend myself. From something. I dont know what. But its a problem that needs to be solved.

 

MY anger issues have ruined relationships. I am not saying this RS would have been saved if i never got angry, but seriously: Who wants to see a adult man rage all over the apartment for some stupid reason? Hands up? None? I guessed so.

 

And the fact i am too blind to see my own behaviour and not seeking help... i have been just avoiding myself.

 

I pushed my first GF off from a bench. I never forgave myself that and she didn't too. And all this anger started when my mother died. So there are lots of things that can cause it.

 

I have always been the nice guy and i would never hurt anyone...but unfortunately i still have hurt the persons i care most in this world.

 

Gosh, having tears in my eyes now that i think about it. I still blame me a lot for what have happened. She trusted me. I was supposed to be her safe haven, arms where she could always return and feel safe.

 

And that image probably shattered in her brains when i pushed her and the other times i got angry.

 

But i still feel she is too harsh on me. She should've support me to get help on my issues instead of blaming me and leaving me. she promised to support me, when she still "loved" me. But i guess those were only words.

 

And i usually get angry when i am betrayed. I remember being angry for my friend for lying to me. I asked him to hang out with me "sorry...cant today. I am busy". And then i saw him hangin out with other friend. I felt betrayed and got mad. SO it has something to do with keeping promises etc.

 

I am naive personality. I believe what people say. BLindly. If someone says they love me, i trust that person completely. Then when she starts taking distance etc. i start to feel betrayed, i've been lied. So that makes me angry.

 

I feel i am on the right track here...it has something to do with trusting people and my own naiveness.

[Itspointless]

This is what is going on... at first i knew it's not my fault, it's her. But little by little all the twists and turns have made me feel i am the real criminal here.

Hi Protec, its been a long time for me seeing your posts. I haven't read everything, sorry for that.

 

You are wrong, it always is a dynamic. Even if it are her actions that caused this, you choose to be with her. it is really time for you to be alone for a while and do some work on why you choose her. Learn to love yourself while alone, it is not easy but it can be done. Also rage points to the fact that you internalize too much. In a way it does not surprise me as I have no clue what you did with the grief about your ex last year. it really is important to process the things happening to you. Anger seems to be an easy solution, but it is one will bite you in the ass at some point.

[Protec]

Hi Protec, its been a long time for me seeing your posts. I haven't read everything, sorry for that.

 

You are wrong, it always is a dynamic. Even if it are her actions that caused this, you choose to be with her. it is really time for you to be alone for a while and do some work on why you choose her. Learn to love yourself while alone, it is not easy but it can be done. Also rage points to the fact that you internalize too much. In a way it does not surprise me as I have no clue what you did with the grief about your ex last year. it really is important to process the things happening to you. Anger seems to be an easy solution, but it is one will bite you in the ass at some point.

 

I fell in love because she was amazing person. But now that i have read about NPD, i have learned at she has lots of narcissist traits. She has Bipolar and Bipolars do have narccissit traits especially when in Mania.

 

I couldn't help falling in love to her. She was perfect. She was beautiful, she was great in bed, she was cute, she was nice, she was wild...she was everything i have ever dreamed of a woman could be. And few months after the abuse started to get worse and worse. But at that point i was already so head over heels into her...

 

Everything she said to me in the beginning has been stripped away. everything about me is now annoying and wrong. And in the beginning i was best man she had ever met in her life...

 

But now to STD test. She has not gone yet! So i really need to go because we had unprotected sex last thursday...because i thought she was already gone to tests.

[Itspointless]

I couldn't help falling in love to her. She was perfect. She was beautiful, she was great in bed, she was cute, she was nice, she was wild...she was everything i have ever dreamed of a woman could be. And few months after the abuse started to get worse and worse. But at that point i was already so head over heels into her...

What I mean is that people are usually perfect for us for a reason. We often fall for people that remind us of certain (not always healthy) elements from our history. We humans repeat patterns that we can work on if we do not mind some work.

[Protec]

Went to STD tests. REsults will be in after few days. The nurse said to me that its completely normal to feel angry after such events...

 

I did not talk much with the nurse but she said i acted normally...

 

It helped. IF that helped me to feel better, i wonder what therapy will do.

 

And meaybe my gf was mirroring.. And she was SUPER nice. She was everything.

We liked same movies, same songs...etc. I believe that your partner can be different from you, i mean am not searching for someone who is like me. I don't care about music taste etc. does she play videogames or not.

 

She was my opposite...thats why i fell in love with her. I dont want girl who plays videogames as much as i do.

 

But realky, she knew about me when we started dating. And soon after she started to have ridiculous amounts of qualities she wants in a man.

 

She started to critisize me for living in a flat and in a small apartment. I could not use barbeque (i know how to, but again, i live in a flat so BBQ skills don't develop).

I had to be somekind of cook, handy/repairman and everything in one package with a well paying job who is also sensitive an romantin. In other words, someone from a movie. Her favoirite TV show is "sex in the city".

 

But again, she knew when we met about my history. Then suddenly she started to nitpick about everything.

 

And i remember that one time she wanted me to massage her. I was tired myself, i just did not have the strenght left. And i also said "You could massage me too once a while..." Then she flipped. Seriously. She stopped talking to me, she was mad at me for 3 days. No kissing, no closenes, she barely talked. Just because i refused to give her a massage.

AT the beginning she massaged me, quite 50/50 ratio. Then at some point she did not massage me anymore at all. "MY arms hurt..." That was always her excuse. She wanted to be massaged but when i asked...answer was always no. And if i refused, she got super pissed and angry.

 

I have no idea what i have been dealing with here but i call somekind of PErsonality Disorder on top of Bipolarism.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Protec

[VeveCakes]

Usually those with BPD or other personality disorders are drawn to others with the same thing.

 

Again, you need to stop drinking.

 

When do you start therapy? Sooner the better.

[Protec]

Usually those with BPD or other personality disorders are drawn to others with the same thing.

 

Again, you need to stop drinking.

 

When do you start therapy? Sooner the better.

 

Well i am just having doctor appointment next week, and hopefully he/she will forward me to therapist or similar.

 

I know they will just try to put everything under depression "you are depressed...take medicine" but i will not let some ordinary doctor, not specialized in mind matters to give me any medicine.

 

But i hope therapy works. Also i need to get my self condidence back, as my ex has shattered it pretty badly. And therapy could help to regain it.

 

She really made a mess out of me. It's textbook narcissims, really all the 3 stages...

 

1) Over-evaluation

2) Devaluation

3) Discard

 

IT has happened just like that...in matters of months. As people have said here, i probably never met the real her in the beginning. She was just hunting for a perfect man to suck dry... And who would be better than a guy with some co-dependency issues.

 

Yes. In a way we are a perfect match. Unfortunate she has gotten everything out from me and got bored so now she needs a fresh supply again.

 

I believe that the next man will get the same treatment again...

[VeveCakes]

Yes they will... but who cares. Try not to focus your thoughts and energy on this woman any more. Go for a run, work out, hang out with friends and family...

 

Therapy will help with your self confidence.

[Itspointless]

Yes they will... but who cares. Try not to focus your thoughts and energy on this woman any more. Go for a run, work out, hang out with friends and family...

 

Therapy will help with your self confidence.

And stay away from Tinder.

[Protec]

Now i feel bad for giving all the gifts back to her... I did it in panic.

And now i think i hurt her feelings for giving them back, i mean she used time and effort to get me those.

 

Darn it. OR maybe i did it so i have a reason to visit her...? If i'd had the stuff here i had no reason to visit. I am a mystery to myself

 

I Still have horrible urge to send her messages or call her.

I did speak with her today. Had to call about the STD. IT was important thing.

Then she sends message "you can have the alarm clock back you gave".

I gave it to her son. It was a birthday present. I did not respond to that.

Maybe she tried to get me visit her?

 

Also later on she sends text "..looking at those steaks...but they just don't fly into the BBQ by themself. I am so tired and depressed". Funny. Almost felt like she wanted me to answer "well why don't you rest and i can come over and BBQ". Just felt like that. I did not respond to that either because i noticed that message 4 hours later.

 

Things need to cool down now...and i need to go to sleep.

 

Thanks for the support ^_^

 

And yes, will stay away from Tinder, any dating sites etc.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Protec

[Blanco]

OMG stop bleeping talking to her

[Simon Phoenix]

You're really your own worst enemy. You have absolutely no self-control or backbone.

[Blanco]

Is this the life you envisioned yourself having?

 

You have so much work ahead of you and it can't really get started until you cut this woman out. People have told you to block her and stop seeing or talking to her. And you won't. You find excuses to do it, even if it only adds to your angst.

 

Telling her about you getting the test done was just an excuse to talk to her. You don't even have the results yet, so there was literally nothing notable to tell her. If the results come back and it turns out you contracted something from her, mail her a letter that she should be aware of this and maybe get tested herself. You do not need to be calling or texting or whatever her, which I thought you said you couldn't do anyway because you deleted all of her information.

 

Stop making excuses.

 

She can't fix herself and she sure can't fix you.

 

She treated you poorly, but anything that comes your way from her at this point is totally your fault, because there's no reason aside from weakness to still be in communication with her.

[Protec]

I don't want to cut her fully out. I am doing some kind of limited contact.

Like today i haven't sent her any messages or tried to call her.

 

Today i have been able to keep myself busy. I went for a run and later in the evening i went to my friends garage to he helped to fix my car.

[Blanco]

Then you've already lost. Best of luck. I'm out.

[Mind-Chants]

I don't want to cut her fully out. I am doing some kind of limited contact.

Like today i haven't sent her any messages or tried to call her.

 

Today i have been able to keep myself busy. I went for a run and later in the evening i went to my friends garage to he helped to fix my car.

 

Just on a curious note, do you have any history of depression or any mental health issue ???

[BlueIris]

Protect, you are perpetuating a relationship that you know is a mix of mental illness, obsession, anger/violence and a futile battle over who is good and who is bad. You are steering toward disaster. End it now.