2.50 a gallon Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Andrew Warning, watch your backside. She is in a position, where she can make a false domestic violence report, get you kicked out and unable to come home, and move the OM in. Sometime back, an LSer from across the pond had that done to him. 1
salparadise Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 Yup, be aware of that possibility. Not a lot you can do but don't provoke her, and certainly don't do anything to suggest that you would ever get physical. My exW threatened me with that while we were divorcing but still living in the same house. I said great, how about I call them for you... and I dialed 911. Then I held the phone in my hand (she didn't know I had actually dialed) and challenged her about it. She continued to rant and threaten false accusations while the call was being recorded. The police arrived shortly after and reminded her that making a false accusation was a serous offense. She continued the emotional tirade while I stood there calm and composed. She told them I was dangerous and had guns in the house. I acknowledged the guns and said that they were safely locked away. Nothing came of it, but I did have her on record, along with the incident report, threatening a false accusation. She was definitely a charmer.
Author Andrew42 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I've asked her to leave, even said isn't there anywhere you can go now, today but she's refusing to until she's got a place, and the best thing is legally she can use my money to do it
tinkerbell16 Posted May 31, 2016 Posted May 31, 2016 it would be a lot easier if she would move out The fact that she hasn't moved out indicates her and the other man are likely over or on the rocks. Not that this matters to your marriage... just an indication. They were hot and heavy about living together in the recoding and now she is on the couch... because she has no options. Things got too messy for OM. My guess.
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 My attorney has advised me not to touch any money that's in bank accounts in her name, legally although its originally mine she has a 100% claim to it, crazy I know
Bufo Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 It doesn't matter that you still love her. You can love her until the day you die. Unrequited love, the theme of many 19th Century and 20th Century romance novels. She's not repentant or even sorry for what she did. You cannot reconcile with an unrepentant spouse. Read any number of threads here and it's a common observation from hard knocks experience. Not just from some book. If there is no repenance or even good faith attempt to try to R, then your only way out of infidelity is D. Start the process tomorrow. Each day you delay is one more day until the misery is over. IMHO separation is like treading water. You are feeling safer but getting nowhere. You're not in Limbo. You are in a version of Hell she's still in the A mentally. If OM blinked at her she'd be with him faster than a speeding bullet. Why don't you read these posts. If we are wrong, please tell us why. Unless you enjoy being miserable, that is. I'm done here unless you take positive action. I'm not interested in reading excuses and self pity. Yes it hurts like hell. But you can choose to get out of Hell. Best of luck.
Jersey born raised Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 We have been going around in cycles for days now. Andrew you will continue t go around in cycles for decades until you decide to get of the carousel. You need to be the 180. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Keep re-reading, reviewing your actions and work on being better every day. You saw an attorney what did they advise as to: Custody, your on is 15 how much imput will he have? Assets: do you have ownership in her cab company you mentioned in your first several posts? What common assets are there? Spousal support: she is working does she make enough so you can avoid spousal support? Have you open accounts in your name? Have you arranged to have your money deposited in it? The accounts in her name, if you are not a signee on the account how can you access the funds to begin with?
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 The court will take the wishes of my son into account, she obviously doesn't want him with her because that will get in the way of the new love nest. The only income she has is from the family firm, apparently I cannot deny her the right to that income in British law The bank accounts are in her name so I cannot get access to any money now in them.
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 My attorney has advised me not to touch any money that's in bank accounts in her name, legally although its originally mine she has a 100% claim to it, crazy I know That is what happens when your are married, there is no "your" money, as soon as it becomes marital money, then she is entitled to at least 1/2 of it. Here, I guess the money is in her name for tax reasons.
Mittens Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement. 5
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement.[/quote I'm looking into selling the house to pay her off but that's not as easy as it sounds
tinkerbell16 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 It's all very well having a go at Andrew, but under UK law there is not a lot he can do. If his wife's name is on the mortgage she is legally entitled to live in the house until it is sold and she gets 50% of any equity. Andrew can't force her out - the courts here wouldn't care if she'd slept with a thousand men. The quickest way to resolve this would be to start divorce proceedings and put the house up for sale. All money and custody issues also need to be sorted out by the courts, unless both parties can come to mutual agreement.[/quote I'm looking into selling the house to pay her off but that's not as easy as it sounds How are you holding up? Have you told the rest of your family? Are you getting support (emotionally) from friends/family?
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Friends have been great, none of them can understand what the hell she's playing at. Last couple of days have been ok but had a moment to myself earlier when I couldn't stop crying. I've made enquiries as to selling the house, paying her off and then she can go do what the hell she likes. Because she's here although I'm trying my hardest with the 180 I still find myself wondering who she's texting etc.
Kwacker39 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Andrew , I know it is incredibly hard cos I said in an earlier post I an going through exactly the same as you after 21 years and 2 sons . However you need to listen to the guys on here and strive to detach yourself emotionally from her . I think I am getting there after 2 weeks of knowing about her affair and around 8 weeks after her telling me she didn't love me . What works for me is thinking of all the lies and cheating she has been doing behind my back as well as the lies to my face - it makes me really dislike her so how can I possibly love her anymore ?! I'm still very up and down with my moods but when I'm down I know I'll come out of the other side . Stay strong , try to detach from her and use the 180 as advised . She doesn't deserve you . 1
Author Andrew42 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Posted June 1, 2016 Andrew , I know it is incredibly hard cos I said in an earlier post I an going through exactly the same as you after 21 years and 2 sons . However you need to listen to the guys on here and strive to detach yourself emotionally from her . I think I am getting there after 2 weeks of knowing about her affair and around 8 weeks after her telling me she didn't love me . What works for me is thinking of all the lies and cheating she has been doing behind my back as well as the lies to my face - it makes me really dislike her so how can I possibly love her anymore ?! I'm still very up and down with my moods but when I'm down I know I'll come out of the other side . Stay strong , try to detach from her and use the 180 as advised . She doesn't deserve you . Thank you, I know what we are both going through is very very hard but yeah I'm trying to do the 180. A friend said earlier that there's no way things could ever be the same again and she's right, it's a line that shouldn't of been crossed. 1
Kwacker39 Posted June 1, 2016 Posted June 1, 2016 Yes the trust has totally gone - I said to a friend that I don't like this version of my wife - she just isn't the person she was , totally changed for the worse . Sounds like yours has had a similar shift in personality - I'm putting it down to a mid life crisis with mine - yours sounds very like mine . How old is she ? 40 ish ?
tinkerbell16 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Friends have been great, none of them can understand what the hell she's playing at. Last couple of days have been ok but had a moment to myself earlier when I couldn't stop crying. I've made enquiries as to selling the house, paying her off and then she can go do what the hell she likes. Because she's here although I'm trying my hardest with the 180 I still find myself wondering who she's texting etc. Yeah, it's like your spouse is there in the flesh but they are not the same person you married and love... they become a complete stranger and it's a dichotomy of anger and sadness to be near them. 1
Author Andrew42 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 Yes the trust has totally gone - I said to a friend that I don't like this version of my wife - she just isn't the person she was , totally changed for the worse . Sounds like yours has had a similar shift in personality - I'm putting it down to a mid life crisis with mine - yours sounds very like mine . How old is she ? 40 ish ? Yep she's 39
tinkerbell16 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Yep she's 39 39 is ripe for mid life crises considering the length of your relationship and age she was when it started. Not an excuse imo but likely the case.
trolloperative Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 She's pregnant to him Sorry you're going through this. Most of us marry and think we will grow old with that person only to learn they are not who we think they are.. she is not the person you think she is, Andrew. Maybe she was in the beginning but not anymore. Time to wrap this farce of a marriage up. Proceed with divorce, the quicker the better. And mourn later. Don't indulge her in conversation, she will lure you back in.. we all know the OM will run if he hasn't already.
Kwacker39 Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 Bit of a hammer blow her being pregnant to him . It doesn't really alter anything as far as the situation goes though - you will still need to sort your joint finances out and move on with your life as quickly as possible . The sooner you get stuff sorted the better it will be for you in the long and short term . It is helping me to stay busy , be it sorting finances , kids , work , hobbies etc etc - keep focused and keep going pal . Just remember you are not alone , apart from these guys on here to vent to , I'm sure you have friends and family you can rely on - I know I have and I'm leaning heavily on them too . 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 She's pregnant to him Hammer blow is right. Be sure your attorney knows, because you have some paternity issues to sort through. 3
Bufo Posted June 2, 2016 Posted June 2, 2016 The 180 isn't a goal unto itself. It is a tool to help you DETACH from her--so you aren't obsessively thinking about her and what she is doing. The goal you must be looking towards is GETTING OUT OF INFIDELITY. R or D are the two paths to that goal. Now that you have learned of her pregnancy by OM (how did you learn this and is the information accurate or just her words to hurt you further?) do you honestly believe there is any chance of R? If not, it's time to proceed to D whether you have detached from her or not. Any other choice leaves you trapped in the special Hell her actions and attitude have created for you. Do this whether or not you feel emotionally ready. The sooner you take further action the sooner you will be out of Hell. If by some miracle she sees the light you can always drop the divorce. But you don't want to be looking back some months from now wishing you'd filed for D earlier. You cannot go back in time. You seem to be moving forward, albeit tentatively and slowly. All that idea is make it easier for her to outmaneuver you. You've told us what legal counsel has told you you can't do. What CAN you do? Start thinking about that for a start
Author Andrew42 Posted June 2, 2016 Author Posted June 2, 2016 What CAN I do? Well I tried telling her to just get the hell out after she told me about the baby. All she did was reel off her rights and that she's staying put until she finds somewhere. I really felt like getting into a full blown argument but I kept my cool
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