I am done with coffee dates. 100%

[AMJ]

I also wondered if he could tell right away that I wasn't interested. And then he thought, I'm not getting anywhere with this chick, so what's the point. The most common feedback I get from men is that they think I'm not interested. Which is usually true. I'm typically just staying in the moment, hoping something will click.

[Ruby Slippers]

Just do more screening before you meet. I make sure to discuss the big questions before I even give them my phone number. Do we agree on big plans for the future, like marriage and kids? Do we have a good baseline of qualities in common? Are our general view of life and communication style compatible?

 

My best pick at the moment stands apart from the rest with his serious, thorough, patient approach, clear and detailed communication. He's obviously a deep thinker like me, who doesn't want to waste his time and energy with a mediocre match.

 

When a guy asks me to dinner after 3 or 4 short messages, it feels strange and kind of shallow. Time is precious, and I have no interest in devoting an entire evening of my weekend (or even a couple of hours) to somebody I know essentially nothing about.

[No_Go]

I just though it is not the typical clothing choice for going out for mature people (25+), day to day.

 

I never dressed up for a date significantly different from my daily style, but I'm rarely wearing just jeans and t-shirt, unless I'm gardening, hiking, or something like this.

 

Why? I want someone to feel comfortable and at ease. I want to see the real them, not a performance. I just want a comfortable and easy going feeling and nothing fake. It is the best way to start to me.

[Robratory]

He's not looking for anything serious, because he didn't take our date or interaction seriously. He's looking to find a woman who fits into this perfect box of characteristics that meet his desires, and not at all interested in getting to know me as a person. It's a type of superficial dating that is..i dunno, I don't even have words. To me, it's gross and shallow.

 

Can you try to see it differently? Because both men and women look for what they're looking for. Different people do value different things, but nobody sane makes themselves be with someone they don't want to be.

 

Is it somehow more virtuous to "get to know the real person" rather than being interested the superficial qualities? No, for most people, the first barrier to get over is the physical. If you can't imagine yourself kissing them, then what's the point of getting to know them?

 

Once it's established that there's a mutual physical attraction, then the getting-to-know-you phase begin.

[oldshirt]

. Basically, men don't want to spend their time getting to know women through email/phone conversations/texting, so they ask us on a "coffee date". It's not a date, it's a chance to get to know what I'm like to see if they want to go on a real date. So rather than waste THEIR time and effort with the emailing, texting, phone calls, they waste MY time with a half-assed date.

 

You're looking at it all wrong.

 

 

Women are the ones that decide if things move forward or not. Women are the ones that know in a matter of seconds or a minute or two if they will go to bed with this person or not and it's women that will nix a guy if he has any visible ear hairs or any chipped fingernails or if his shoes don't match the collar on his shirt.

 

 

None of those things can be determined via emails, txting, Skype etc, there for it's in YOUR best interest to not burn up time and energy on the computer and meet someone in real life over a simple, inexpensive and no-expectation meeting.

 

 

Men are the ones that get rejected 80% of the time so it's really on them to come with their best foot forward. If they don't measure up then it's "next!"

 

 

Your time isn't wasted when you agree to meet someone for the first time. Your time is wasted on the computer because on the computer anyone can post up any picture they want and can say anything in the world about themselves that they can dream up. 5 minutes face to face will tell you more about someone and how you react to each other than months of cyberchat, emails and txts.

 

 

Sure, the profile is a tool for determining if someone is employed, tall enough, built enough and good looking enough to at least meet (assuming he didn't lie too much on the profile of course) but in a matter of minutes of face to face you have a rough idea if this is at least someone you want to meet again for a follow up meeting and a more substantial date or not.

 

 

No matter how you slice dating IS an interview and probationary period. That is what it was designed to do. It is an interview and probationary period where both parties can interact and get to know each other under no obligations or commitments to see if they want to continue to see each other and get to know each other further with the end-goal to be to see if this is the person you want to be with and have a home and family with or not.

 

 

When the answer is 'no' for either party then they each can bid the other well and walk away without repercussion.

 

 

If the answer for each is "maybe" then they continue to see each other and get to know each other more until either one comes back with a 'no' or until both come back with a 'yes' at which time a proposal of marriage is made and they either get married or whatever.

 

 

You want to be efficient in that process. 9 times out of 10 it is the female that nixes the male so there for it is in the females best interest to meet face to face efficiently once it has been established that the guy meets the baseline requirements of looks, height, weight, employment/income level and relationship goals.

 

 

Women are the ones with the eggs getting older so it's in their best interest not to be sitting on the computer listening to some guy talk about how great he is, but rather to meet him in person to determine that he doesn't have any ear hairs and that he actually can carry on a conversation with her and isn't living in his mom's basement.

[oldshirt]

I also wondered if he could tell right away that I wasn't interested. And then he thought, I'm not getting anywhere with this chick, so what's the point. The most common feedback I get from men is that they think I'm not interested. Which is usually true. I'm typically just staying in the moment, hoping something will click.

 

There's your answer.

 

 

As I said in my earlier post, women know within minutes or even seconds if a guy has a chance or not. If it's obvious someone isn't interested in me and isn't attracted to me, last thing in the world I am going to is stand around burning up my daylight while she sits there "hoping something with click."

 

 

If you are waiting around on "hope" that something will click, you are the one wasting people's time, not them.

 

 

If you are just sitting there looking at your watch hoping something will click, the guy was in the right to leave.

 

 

He did you a favor by not allowing you to burn up any more of your time as well as his.

 

 

His fertility and his market value as a mate can span decades. Yours has a short shelf life.

[joseb]

Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.

 

Nobody is holding a gun to your head and saying you need to do any of that. To me it's inconceivable you would feel the need to do that for a coffee date.

And I probably wouldn't even notice.

 

Ever notice on hear how many women mention things like "a guy hit on me in the supermarket and I didnt even have makeup on". Perhaps it's not a coincidence.

 

The last girl I dated, I net her right after she did a dance class. She spent zero minutes preparing for our date. It was just drinks. I didn't care. I'd much prefer someone arrived at a date relaxed and themselves rather than spending hours stressing out and applying a mask.

[No_Go]

That's another good approach, for people that are ok with talking on the phone (I'm personally not a fan) or long email convos (I love these)

 

Just do more screening before you meet. I make sure to discuss the big questions before I even give them my phone number. Do we agree on big plans for the future, like marriage and kids? Do we have a good baseline of qualities in common? Are our general view of life and communication style compatible?

 

My best pick at the moment stands apart from the rest with his serious, thorough, patient approach, clear and detailed communication. He's obviously a deep thinker like me, who doesn't want to waste his time and energy with a mediocre match.

 

When a guy asks me to dinner after 3 or 4 short messages, it feels strange and kind of shallow. Time is precious, and I have no interest in devoting an entire evening of my weekend (or even a couple of hours) to somebody I know essentially nothing about.

[oldshirt]

I didn't even like this guy either after about 30 seconds. .

 

Proves my point.

 

 

You wasted 29 1/2 minutes.

[Httm]

I just though it is not the typical clothing choice for going out for mature people (25+), day to day.

 

I never dressed up for a date significantly different from my daily style, but I'm rarely wearing just jeans and t-shirt, unless I'm gardening, hiking, or something like this.

 

Ah, see that is all I wear. I'm not into pomp.

[Httm]

You're looking at it all wrong.

 

 

Women are the ones that decide if things move forward or not. Women are the ones that know in a matter of seconds or a minute or two if they will go to bed with this person or not and it's women that will nix a guy if he has any visible ear hairs or any chipped fingernails or if his shoes don't match the collar on his shirt.

 

 

None of those things can be determined via emails, txting, Skype etc, there for it's in YOUR best interest to not burn up time and energy on the computer and meet someone in real life over a simple, inexpensive and no-expectation meeting.

 

 

Men are the ones that get rejected 80% of the time so it's really on them to come with their best foot forward. If they don't measure up then it's "next!"

 

 

Your time isn't wasted when you agree to meet someone for the first time. Your time is wasted on the computer because on the computer anyone can post up any picture they want and can say anything in the world about themselves that they can dream up. 5 minutes face to face will tell you more about someone and how you react to each other than months of cyberchat, emails and txts.

 

 

Sure, the profile is a tool for determining if someone is employed, tall enough, built enough and good looking enough to at least meet (assuming he didn't lie too much on the profile of course) but in a matter of minutes of face to face you have a rough idea if this is at least someone you want to meet again for a follow up meeting and a more substantial date or not.

 

 

No matter how you slice dating IS an interview and probationary period. That is what it was designed to do. It is an interview and probationary period where both parties can interact and get to know each other under no obligations or commitments to see if they want to continue to see each other and get to know each other further with the end-goal to be to see if this is the person you want to be with and have a home and family with or not.

 

 

When the answer is 'no' for either party then they each can bid the other well and walk away without repercussion.

 

 

If the answer for each is "maybe" then they continue to see each other and get to know each other more until either one comes back with a 'no' or until both come back with a 'yes' at which time a proposal of marriage is made and they either get married or whatever.

 

 

You want to be efficient in that process. 9 times out of 10 it is the female that nixes the male so there for it is in the females best interest to meet face to face efficiently once it has been established that the guy meets the baseline requirements of looks, height, weight, employment/income level and relationship goals.

 

 

Women are the ones with the eggs getting older so it's in their best interest not to be sitting on the computer listening to some guy talk about how great he is, but rather to meet him in person to determine that he doesn't have any ear hairs and that he actually can carry on a conversation with her and isn't living in his mom's basement.

 

" 5 minutes face to face will tell you more about someone and how you react to each other than months of cyberchat, emails and txts. "

 

I've said this to people time and time again. Phone calls, texts, emails.. means nothing. You learn more of reality in five minutes of actual meeting than months of everything else combined.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it. There are more creative ways to go on an inexpensive date. They also don't want to commit an entire hour or two or whatever period of time is normal for a first date, until they're absolutely sure they're going to like you. But the thing is, women will spend- and are expected to spend- just as much time preparing for a stupid coffee date that we will spend on a real date. I've been dating for...thirteen years now. I think I've gone on maybe five coffee dates in that time. Which is because I've never liked them to begin with. Not a single coffee date has ever resulted in anything worthwhile.

 

Guys, if you're going to take a woman on a coffee date, please don't suggest Starbucks. It's like going to a fast food restaurant. And whatever kind of date you're on, please wait until she finishes her drink, her food, her wine, whatever, until you decide you're no longer interested. This has happened to me a few times and some of my friends as well. A guy decides he's no longer interested and just leaves in the middle of the date.

 

It is the most rude and inconsiderate thing you can do to a person. I have respect for the guy I went out with last Thursday. It was pretty obvious from the start that we didn't have much chemistry, and probably wouldn't see each other again. But that didn't stop us from having a great conversation and decent 1-2 hours together. And neither of us were rude. Seriously men, where have all the manners gone?

 

Yesterday a man yells at me for not going out with him because I don't have a similar lifestyle (partying all night and coming home at 7am) while today a guy couldn't even wait for me to finish my iced tea because he's a republican, and I'm a democrat. Newsflash guy from my lame coffee date today: I didn't like you either. You're too short and too tiny for me, and you lied about being unemployed. I also wanted to get up and walk away from you about ten minutes into our conversation. I did not do so because that would be rude.

 

Wow, this went on for TEN pages starting yesterday. LOL

 

Phsshhhh...never satisfied. You'd be a deal breaker for me because you place too much emphasis on money and material items than on the time you spend with someone.

[joseb]

OP, normally I'm not a fan of spending too much time texting and stuff before meeting someone.

But you seem to have had bad luck and met a lot of unsuitables, so maybe in your case it's warranted.

Perhaps a couple of subtle questions could tease out their general political leanings. And any other traits you find important.

[thecrucible]

I can totally see where you are coming from. Even if it's just a casual date, I will take time to get ready so I will be full face of makeup even if I'm only wearing jeans and a casual top. So it seems exhausting when you meet someone that you clearly don't click with. I think it's worth talking to someone more before you meet and sussing out a few of the deal breakers. See for me, I wouldn't want to date someone with vastly different political views.

 

The worse coffee date I went on was with a guy who clearly did not make any effort. He hadn't even combed his hair and I could tell he wasn't very engaged in the conversation. Then I had to be the one to suggest where to go next because he hadn't planned anything even though he was the one who asked me to meet him (we ended up going to a museum across the street). When I talked to him, I just felt like he was judging me. I have a degree and he was a PhD student. Anyway, I thought that wasn't going anywhere and he messaged me later and said it'd be great to meet up and hang out again if I'd like to. I didn't reply and I blocked him on the site. :/

[Imajerk17]

I posted several pages back on how I don't like coffee dates either. I do have to add though, to be real on what the main problem is.

 

As you know AMJ, the main problem is NOT that the first date was coffee, it is instead that the guys you met up w are such bad prospects for you. Both of you having to sit through an entire dinner won't fix that, and neither will getting buzzed w these guys LOL. The guy who bailed halfway through coffee and lied about his employment was a jackazz and a few beers or dinner would not have fixed that issue!

 

To this end I think you'd do better to (say) make it a point of having a phone conversation beforehand. That screens out the obvious incompatibilities, and if the phone conversation is good there is actual anticipation for the first date. I think this has already been said on this thread and I agree...

Edited February 7, 2016 by Imajerk17

[AMJ]

Wow, this went on for TEN pages starting yesterday. LOL

 

Phsshhhh...never satisfied. You'd be a deal breaker for me because you place too much emphasis on money and material items than on the time you spend with someone.

 

Psshhhh you didn't read this entirely. I can't blame you. But anyway, somewhere I wrote that one of my favorite dates ever was playing a game of chess, and how I'd much rather spend time going on a hike, looking at art, and could care less about how much is spent on a date. Of course no one should spend lots of money on a first date- or any date! Save your money for things that matter! I bought my own stupid iced tea.

[AMJ]

There's your answer.

 

 

As I said in my earlier post, women know within minutes or even seconds if a guy has a chance or not. If it's obvious someone isn't interested in me and isn't attracted to me, last thing in the world I am going to is stand around burning up my daylight while she sits there "hoping something with click."

 

 

If you are waiting around on "hope" that something will click, you are the one wasting people's time, not them.

 

 

If you are just sitting there looking at your watch hoping something will click, the guy was in the right to leave.

 

 

He did you a favor by not allowing you to burn up any more of your time as well as his.

 

 

His fertility and his market value as a mate can span decades. Yours has a short shelf life.

 

Oldshirt, you're like the father I never had. That's powerful stuff.

 

I try to give guys a chance because I have two good friends who married guys that they didn't have any attraction to at first. Friend #1 met her husband through mutual friends. She says, she is so grateful that they didn't meet online because she would have never in a million years given him a chance. They were friends for several years before their relationship became romantic. On paper, they have absolutely nothing in common. Physically, he couldn't be farther from the type of guy she's always dated. But they've been happily married for four years, together for eight, with a beautiful son. And he's truly the perfect man for her. So I think, well, I need to give other people a chance. Maybe something will click.

 

Friend #2 wanted nothing to do with her now husband on their first date. He was totally in love with her, but she thought the date was miserable. They worked together, and a few months later connected while having too many drinks at a holiday party. Then they became friends...and a year later they married. He's also the perfect guy for her, and it took her about six months to figure it out.

 

Maybe I will need longer than 30 seconds, or 30 minutes, or 4 dates, to figure out if a certain guy is right for me. I've had love at first sight, where we were completely infatuated with each other ten minutes after we'd even met. That did not end well. I'm just trying to be open minded.

 

But I do see your point.

[Redhead14]

I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it. There are more creative ways to go on an inexpensive date. They also don't want to commit an entire hour or two or whatever period of time is normal for a first date, until they're absolutely sure they're going to like you. But the thing is, women will spend- and are expected to spend- just as much time preparing for a stupid coffee date that we will spend on a real date. I've been dating for...thirteen years now. I think I've gone on maybe five coffee dates in that time. Which is because I've never liked them to begin with. Not a single coffee date has ever resulted in anything worthwhile.

 

Guys, if you're going to take a woman on a coffee date, please don't suggest Starbucks. It's like going to a fast food restaurant. And whatever kind of date you're on, please wait until she finishes her drink, her food, her wine, whatever, until you decide you're no longer interested. This has happened to me a few times and some of my friends as well. A guy decides he's no longer interested and just leaves in the middle of the date.

 

It is the most rude and inconsiderate thing you can do to a person. I have respect for the guy I went out with last Thursday. It was pretty obvious from the start that we didn't have much chemistry, and probably wouldn't see each other again. But that didn't stop us from having a great conversation and decent 1-2 hours together. And neither of us were rude. Seriously men, where have all the manners gone?

 

Yesterday a man yells at me for not going out with him because I don't have a similar lifestyle (partying all night and coming home at 7am) while today a guy couldn't even wait for me to finish my iced tea because he's a republican, and I'm a democrat. Newsflash guy from my lame coffee date today: I didn't like you either. You're too short and too tiny for me, and you lied about being unemployed. I also wanted to get up and walk away from you about ten minutes into our conversation. I did not do so because that would be rude.

 

women will spend- and are expected to spend- just as much time preparing for a stupid coffee date that we will spend on a real date -- Really? I don't usually wear a nice dress, stockings, heels, put up my hair, and accessorize to go to coffee in the morning . . . if you're overdressed, it's gonna make them a little uncomfortable . . . because they are in a collar shirt and jeans.

 

And, there are rude guys IRL too (and women do it too). And, talking politics on a coffee date/first meet with a woman? That guy has a bigger problem than being a republican He must be a really strange bedfellow . . .

[AverageJoe1986]

Maybe I will need longer than 30 seconds, or 30 minutes, or 4 dates, to figure out if a certain guy is right for me. I've had love at first sight, where we were completely infatuated with each other ten minutes after we'd even met. That did not end well. I'm just trying to be open minded.

 

But I do see your point.

 

This is the problem with OLD nowadays: you're instantly judged on one, maybe 3 photos and the idea that you might be worth getting to know is dependent solely on that. Everyone thinks it's down to 'chemistry' or some other such spurious notion but how can you even judge chemistry on a photograph? All of the happiest couples I know wouldn't even know what you meant by 'chemistry'.

[edgygirl]

I have never been on a coffee date, they seem boring and insulting to me. Hey a drink costs $10 and we can say goodbye right after if we don't click. If a man is whining about $10, he's not the man for me.

 

I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it.

 

The same happened to me this week. He knew I didn't want to meet a Republican as I say so clearly on my profile, yet he only disclosed he bashes democrats on the date itself. What a waste of time.

 

today a guy couldn't even wait for me to finish my iced tea because he's a republican, and I'm a democrat. Newsflash guy from my lame coffee date today: I didn't like you either.

Edited February 7, 2016 by edgygirl

[risjurad]

Don't assume! I was all positive vibes today. He was not. Why? I'm doing really well in my life and he's unemployed. I was chatty, smiling, positive, and then he gets up and walks away. He's conservative and I'm liberal, he wanted to throw shade on certain aspects of the program I'm starting and wanted to discuss what drugs the homeless people in our town are on. I didn't even like this guy either after about 30 seconds. I just think it's rude to walk out in the middle of a date. That's all I'm trying to say.

If nothing else, happy to hear women still consider dating unemployed men.

[MissBee]

I've never been on a coffee date personally.

 

Sure, I get the whole "low pressure" idea, but maybe low pressure can also lead to it being more of a flop than not.

 

Coffee for me is business or friends. That's the only time I go for coffee with people, so it doesn't put me in a date mood. It just puts me in a friendship or business mood. Drinks are also low pressure but put me more in the date and social mood as opposed to coffee. Yes, they are a bit more expensive, but not by a ton. Idk about where other people live, but coffee drinks can cost up to $6 unless of course you are getting the plainest of plain $2 coffee, so a cocktail isn't that much more expensive. I also don't get in arms about negligible costs so would prefer to date men who weren't counting the pennies on a cappuccino vs. a caipirinha. I would much prefer meeting for a drink at the bar section of a restaurant and escalate to dinner if it is going well or part ways after our drink if it's not. But coffee? No...

 

I've never done it, no one has suggested it and I wouldn't either.

Edited February 7, 2016 by MissBee

[MissBee]

What's with California women tonight?

 

Of course it's a cheap date! it's not even a date, it's a first meeting. You are 2 strangers who know nothing of each other so why would him or you spend $100 on dinner?

 

Can you imagine if men had to take out to dinner every woman they meet online! It would ruin them.

 

It sounds like you are more interested in what the date is about than who the date is with.

 

I don't understand why it's either coffee or $100 dinner.

 

Why are those the only two options?

 

Drinks, dessert, stuff like that are also fairly cheap and not that much more expensive than coffee, yet the ambiance of the place and the vibe of it all feels much different. If people are cool with coffee dates, that's cool. For me they seem formal. But if you're after cheap and feeling the person out, drinks, unless you don't drink, seems more relaxed and provides the opportunity to escalate to dinner then and there or you drink your one glass of wine, beer or cocktail and leave.

[Maggie4]

I think there is regular dating, and then there's online dating, which is a whole different beast.

 

Behavior totally different when there is no social connection. There's anonymity, and you know how some people can be. Whether it's writing in forums, or driving on the freeway, because of anonymity, people can be aggressive or unkind. I was on a politics forum about the (US) election, and it got prett ugly. But most people in normal life are actually swell folks.

 

From all the stuff I'm reading on LS, people dating online have to put up with much worse behavior. Because it's not like he knows he'll run into you at church next week. This really isn't easy at all!

[StBreton]

Sorry this guy was so rude to you OP

 

I just don't get the whole "I spent time getting myself ready"

 

I clean my house not because I'm thinking someone is going to come by but because it makes me feel good.

 

Likewise, I do myself up because it makes me feel good and if a friend calls at the last minute I'm ready to go...or if there's a movie I want to see, I don't feel stressed about getting ready in time...I'm ready to go.

 

Doesn't just making yourself up lend to you feeling good? If the guy left me, I'd say to myself "well I'm looking good so I'll go to a movie or to a sports bar and have a beer or get online and plan another meet with someone or find some meetup.com group to attend ...because I'm already looking good"

 

Seriously...just chalk this incident up to the craziness that happens on OLD.

 

FWIW...I don't do coffee dates...I'd prefer hiking a well populated trail or walking around a downtown area or going for lunch/dinner. I've been disappointed by some meet/greet dates and thought about just meeting for 15 seconds on a corner but really that's ridiculous. Then I go back to the hiking/lunch/dinner thing and take breaks when it gets to be too much.

Edited February 7, 2016 by StBreton