I am done with coffee dates. 100%

[Zapbasket]

I have never said that I expect anyone to spend $100 or any certain amount of money on a first date. I DO expect someone to spend a certain amount of time on a date, given the effort that I've put into meeting with this person in the first place. It's not about money, it's about effort.

 

Gaeta, if you have no problem going on dates that last 30 minutes, GOOD FOR YOU.

 

I'm not actively dating right now and haven't ever gone on a date from an online dating app, but...what if you try to set the ground rules on your future dates? If you're messaging with someone and he suggests meeting in person, just say, "I'd love to meet in person, but I'd like to set up a couple of ground rules. Let's agree to meet for no more than an hour. That way, we can see if there's chemistry and if we are compatible enough that we both want to go on a real date. We meet for an hour and even if it's really great, we leave it at that, and go home or to other plans we've made and see how we each feel about another date. I don't want to waste either or our time and if one of us isn't interested, no harm, no foul, just tell each other and that'll be that."

 

If I were on the receiving end of such a communication, I'd appreciate it and it wouldn't scare me off from meeting with the guy. And I'd rather have the opportunity to establish in person and early on if there's any interest/chemistry, rather than spend several days or weeks messaging.

 

Take charge of the scenarios so that you are more likely to have the kind of experiences you want, with the kind of people who at least are worth an hour of your undivided attention. Any other way can just lead to bitterness--and yes, being left at the table with your tea after 30 minutes, it's understandable that you've become a bit wary and jaded about the online dating experience.

[babycrapgreen]

It just took me a long time to meet the kind of someone I was looking for and I finally met him. I dated for a long time and I went on 100s of dates but I had FUN! I didn't do anything I didn't want to do. I had great dates, I made friends through this process, I learn about men, learn about myself. It was a journey I knew would take time and I faced it with a positive attitude.

 

Maybe you should be more open minded that not everyone wants to date like you. They actually value themselves and their time.

[jay1983]

Gaeta you have a reading comprehension problem. Never did I say that I debated this guy. Not once. He wanted to make fun of homeless people, and I changed the subject. He disagreed with certain aspects of the program I'm creating for high school students because he is politically conservative. I did not debate, I just explained the other side of view. Why are you assuming that I was unpleasant on this date? Just because I'm venting my frustrations here? Why are you attacking me over this issue? What stake do you have in this discussion? I said I hate coffee dates. You like them. Go on ahead and keep enjoying your coffee, I could care less what you do with your life. As "we californians" like to say, Bye Felicia.

 

You wanted to go on a longer date with this guy?

 

On another note, I don't see how that came up so soon on a first meeting.

[strawberryshortstack]

When was the last time you found yourself in the dating world?

For the sake of conversation let's consider that dating standards are different in different locations. In California, most men want to date gorgeous women. I've lived in different locations during my adult life, so I can say dating standards do change depending on where you live. On a first date, I'm expected to make a good first impression and look as attractive as my photos online, which are of course me looking my very best.

 

Also, your experience with coffee dates is not what people in their late 20s, early 30s are experiencing. A date that lasts longer than an hour, is a real date. That's not the deal with what I'm talking about. Basically, men don't want to spend their time getting to know women through email/phone conversations/texting, so they ask us on a "coffee date". It's not a date, it's a chance to get to know what I'm like to see if they want to go on a real date. So rather than waste THEIR time and effort with the emailing, texting, phone calls, they waste MY time with a half-assed date.

 

I live in California. I go on coffee dates. While I certainly don't dress like a slob, I also don't put that much effort into a coffee date. Sure, I take a shower, wash my hair, etc. But I wear jeans and a top - sometimes a t-shirt, sometimes something a little nicer - this usually depends more on the weather than anything else. A coffee date is meant to be casual, so you put on your casual day-to-day attire - no need to apply fancy makeup, curl your hair, etc.

 

And a coffee date can be whatever length you want it to be - often, my coffee dates end with a walk around whatever neighborhood we're in (and if they don't...well, there's unlikely to be a second, because we clearly just don't want to spend any more time together than it takes to drink a cup of coffee.)

[hippychick3]

You wanted to go on a longer date with this guy?

 

On another note, I don't see how that came up so soon on a first meeting.

 

True. OP, you should be relieved it ended so soon with such a jerk. The "bad date" had nothing to do with the location. It was all about the person.

[Gaeta]

First, my location doesn't represent anything. The mere over-generalization of being superficial is abhorrent and ignorant of you. .

 

If you had followed this thread with attention you would have understood the 'california women' comment I made.

 

But, let me educate, Gaeta, and clarify why I decided not to do coffee dates. This is what you should've been questioning instead of ASSuming. 3 of my dear guy friends plainly explained. Guys who want to get laid and not date seriously, would rather spend $40 dollars on 4 dates with 4 different girls than $40 dollars with one woman. I'm not a casual dater, but, by all means, don't take my advice and go on date coffee dates.

 

We're talking first meeting over coffee and you're talking getting laid. Ok sure. I don't go to bed with men I meet over a 1st coffee, you? but by the sound of it it's ok to go to bed with a man that spend $40 on dinner.

 

Lastly, men shouldn't be asking every women online out to dinner, only certain ones. Where's the value in dating? You sound like a tinder dater, I don't do that. But, again, if you want to date the guy that does ask out everyone, it's your prerogative.

 

There is a very good reasons I do not accept dinner date for first meeting. See, when I go meet a man I don't worry if he will like me, like OP worried. I KNOW he will like me. I worry if I will like him! And there is way I will head to a restaurant and spend 2 hours eating in front of a man I have not met before! no freakin way! too many chances he's not like his pictures, he chews his mouth open, he smells, he swares, etc you get the picture. Not accepting a dinner date for a first meeting it to protect MYSELF.

[AverageJoe1986]

Gaeta you have a reading comprehension problem. Never did I say that I debated this guy. Not once. He wanted to make fun of homeless people, and I changed the subject. He disagreed with certain aspects of the program I'm creating for high school students because he is politically conservative. I did not debate, I just explained the other side of view. Why are you assuming that I was unpleasant on this date? Just because I'm venting my frustrations here? Why are you attacking me over this issue? What stake do you have in this discussion? I said I hate coffee dates. You like them. Go on ahead and keep enjoying your coffee, I could care less what you do with your life. As "we californians" like to say, Bye Felicia.

 

To be honest AMJ, you are right here about reading comprehension.

 

The problem is that this is the EXACT same reading comprehension problem you had with what I was writing a week or so back.

 

It's frustrating isn't it when people wrongly ascribe attitudes and 'vibes' in a situation where they were not present?

[Imajerk17]

I can see where AMJ is coming from. The last first meet I was on was a *hiking date*. It was on a trail that's popular enough so that it's safe, short enough so that the date could be done within an hour walking her back to her car if we weren't feeling it, and if the date was going well there were the option of taking longer trails back. Temps were about 50 degrees and dress was casual. I really don't need a woman to be all dolled up to feel attracted.

 

As I am athletic and I want to date someone who is too, that is really my kind of first meet. I don't think coffee gives a guy especially the best chance to shine--everyone else is doing it and it's the same conversation over and over again, so I avoid.

 

As far as cost for the aforementioned hiking date, I brought us a few cans of seltzer water and a few protein bars. Like $10 total.

 

 

(We had a few good dates before both of us realized we weren't feeling the chemistry and we'd be better off as friends.)

[AMJ]

At least baby knows what I'm talking about.

 

Yes, hippychick, I've become pretty defensive here, since Gaeta feels the need to make judgements about the date I went on today, which is strange since she wasn't even there. Clearly this guy's behavior must be deserved, and clearly I must be some awful horrible person to have coffee with, since he got up and walked away in the middle of the date. I guess all of the thousands of dates you've been on have been completely perfect, so therefore you must be perfect and superior to the rest of us who have less than stellar online dating experiences.

 

Jay, no. I've said probably three times already that I didn't like him either. I was taught that it would be rude to walk out on a person in the middle of a date. I also still believe it's rude to walk away from a person after 30 minutes on a date, unless they are exhibiting some extremely bad behavior.

 

I thought the whole point of this site was to give each other constructive feedback and support about things that are frustrating us, not to tear each other down on a Friday night. That's just sad.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta you have a reading comprehension problem. Never did I say that I debated this guy. Not once. He wanted to make fun of homeless people, and I changed the subject. He disagreed with certain aspects of the program I'm creating for high school students because he is politically conservative. I did not debate, I just explained the other side of view. Why are you assuming that I was unpleasant on this date? Just because I'm venting my frustrations here? Why are you attacking me over this issue? What stake do you have in this discussion? I said I hate coffee dates. You like them. Go on ahead and keep enjoying your coffee, I could care less what you do with your life. As "we californians" like to say, Bye Felicia.

 

You're right, I went back to your post #26 and I misread, I apologize, English is not my first language. I read it as he did not want to join you in your discussion of ...etc.

[jay1983]

This should've went in the rant section

[AMJ]

See, when I go meet a man I don't worry if he will like me, like OP worried. I KNOW he will like me. I worry if I will like him!

 

Goodness. You're not reading or understanding anything I write. I DID NOT LIKE THIS GUY EITHER. Even if the date had gone perfectly, and he asked me out again, I would say no. I said that in the first few sentences of my first post.

 

I am simply upset- which now is apparently not so simple, and you seem to not want to allow me to be upset for this- that the douchebag got up and walked away in the middle of the date. I think I've said this five times? At least.

[AMJ]

To be honest AMJ, you are right here about reading comprehension.

 

The problem is that this is the EXACT same reading comprehension problem you had with what I was writing a week or so back.

 

It's frustrating isn't it when people wrongly ascribe attitudes and 'vibes' in a situation where they were not present?

 

Sorry! lol. I will admit I have faults!

[strawberryshortstack]

Don't assume! I was all positive vibes today. He was not. Why? I'm doing really well in my life and he's unemployed. I was chatty, smiling, positive, and then he gets up and walks away. He's conservative and I'm liberal, he wanted to throw shade on certain aspects of the program I'm starting and wanted to discuss what drugs the homeless people in our town are on. I didn't even like this guy either after about 30 seconds. I just think it's rude to walk out in the middle of a date. That's all I'm trying to say.

 

Knowing what you knew of him just before he walked out, would you have seen him again?

 

If not, why does him walking out matter? He saved you time by NOT sticking around. If he'd stuck around until YOU deemed the date finished, he'd have wasted both your time.

 

And if your issue is with the time he devoted to you after you spent "so long" getting ready for the date, that's not his issue, that's yours. Don't spend quite so much time getting ready for a coffee date next time.

[xXMarlboro_ManXx]

Maybe I am too calculating or boring but I always liked coffee first dates because they can lead into a simple progression of dates while you are still getting to know each other. Coffee->drinks->dinner->more interesting dates. If you get drinks or dinner on the first date a coffee 2nd or 3rd date just feels odd.

 

I have alway liked coffee dates as a first date. They are simple low pressure ways to see if there is any connection at all.

[No_Go]

What you describe is very far from what I envisioned by the jeans and t shirt style (running errands type) that the poster described.

 

Your take is classy and effortless

 

I am a mature woman. There is a way of wearing a pair of jeans to look classy and current. Jeans, high heels, silk top and a quality purse. Lip sticks and mascara. Preparation time? 20 minutes.

[SwordofFlame]

I will say that on average the women that want coffee dates tended to be more boring than the women who wanted to go to a bar. I guess alcohol helps.

[AverageJoe1986]

I thought the whole point of this site was to give each other constructive feedback and support about things that are frustrating us, not to tear each other down on a Friday night. That's just sad.

 

Don't worry AMJ. This site does seem to have threads where posters just settle into a default mode of trotting out bland self-help style 'wisdom' even when it is totally irrelevant to what is being talked about.

 

I don't know whether it's genuine obtuseness or a calculated wind-up but I'm glad to see someone else getting as annoyed by it as I did.

[kendahke]

I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it.

 

When you suggest doing the inexpensive, creative things to do other than the coffee date, what do they say and why won't they do it?

[Gaeta]

Don't worry AMJ. This site does seem to have threads where posters just settle into a default mode of trotting out bland self-help style 'wisdom' even when it is totally irrelevant to what is being talked about.

 

I don't know whether it's genuine obtuseness or a calculated wind-up but I'm glad to see someone else getting as annoyed by it as I did.

 

Aren't you the man that creates false dating profiles online to conduct experiment on women. Then you come on here and comfort women that have become frustrated with online dating. Bravo...

[AMJ]

Don't worry AMJ. This site does seem to have threads where posters just settle into a default mode of trotting out bland self-help style 'wisdom' even when it is totally irrelevant to what is being talked about.

 

I don't know whether it's genuine obtuseness or a calculated wind-up but I'm glad to see someone else getting as annoyed by it as I did.

 

See, I told you you were intelligent. I can hardly tell if you're trying to snide me there.

 

But what I really want to know from you is, would you rather have a woman not respond to your messages online, or agree to go on a date with you, and then walk away 30 minutes into the date?

 

It's probably not surprising, given how upset I am, that I'd rather my email be ignored.

[SwordofFlame]

See, I told you you were intelligent. I can hardly tell if you're trying to snide me there.

 

But what I really want to know from you is, would you rather have a woman not respond to your messages online, or agree to go on a date with you, and then walk away 30 minutes into the date?

 

It's probably not surprising, given how upset I am, that I'd rather my email be ignored.

 

On the rare occasion that I met someone who looked a lot different than their online dating pics, I wanted to end the date in 5 minutes. It was a brunch first date too. I'm not accusing you of misleading guys online, but if they want to bail pretty quickly, it might be because you're persona online is dramatically different than in person in some way.

[babycrapgreen]

See, I told you you were intelligent. I can hardly tell if you're trying to snide me there.

 

But what I really want to know from you is, would you rather have a woman not respond to your messages online, or agree to go on a date with you, and then walk away 30 minutes into the date?

 

It's probably not surprising, given how upset I am, that I'd rather my email be ignored.

 

I can only imagine how that feels. But, hey, at least you won't go on anymore coffee dates?...Drink some wine with some friends and think of it this way, if he treats strangers like that, yet alone, a girl, I feel sorry for his future girlfriend.

[AMJ]

On the rare occasion that I met someone who looked a lot different than their online dating pics, I wanted to end the date in 5 minutes. It was a brunch first date too. I'm not accusing you of misleading guys online, but if they want to bail pretty quickly, it might be because you're persona online is dramatically different than in person in some way.

 

I definitely wondered this. But my pictures are recent, and I don't think I really look completely different in real life, but who knows. He certainly wasn't as attractive in person as he was in his photos. He was shorter and thinner. I mean, if he or anyone else is going to care THAT much about me looking perfect, they're not the right guy for me. I just think- regardless, you're on a date with a person, you should be polite and respectful. Because if I weren't a polite person, I would have tossed my half-finished iced tea on him and yelled loudly that he hates homeless people so everyone could hear what a prick he was.

[AMJ]

Oh AND AverageJoe, I just remembered. This is the guy I posted about elsewhere who started the conversation really cheesy with "Let me woo you!" etc. I should have realized then that he was not worth my time, alas, I gave a weirdo a chance, and this is what happens. Every so often I agree to go out with a guy I don't really want to go out with, and it usually ends badly. And then I'll go through a phase where I become way more selective, and the guys accuse me of being too selective. It's a vicious cycle.