I am done with coffee dates. 100%

[Robratory]

I am simply upset- which now is apparently not so simple, and you seem to not want to allow me to be upset for this- that the douchebag got up and walked away in the middle of the date. I think I've said this five times? At least.

 

Are you seriously saying that he literally got up without a word and just walked away?

 

If so, then please don't be upset. That behavior is just too bizarre to get upset over. A woman rejected me upon finding out I live 30 miles away, saying she was not looking for a long-distance relationship. Then she hung up. I just looked at the phone and laughed. You can't get upset over weird people.

[Robratory]

What you'd pay for coffee at Starbuck's, you could find a good hole in the wall restaurant or go have a pizza for the same amount. Go to a museum or a car show or a street fair or an aquarium. If you were doing something fun together instead of staring at each other over coffee just rating each other's looks, the date might go better.

 

Well, I think a small coffee around here, both at Peet's and Starbucks, is $1.95.

 

But you know, there's nothing to stop a coffee date from becoming a whole-day date. I met someone for coffee just a couple of weeks ago. We got to talking and an hour went by, and she said, "Do you think it's time for a second cup of coffee?" And I said, "Sure, but I'm getting hungry. How about you?" And she was, so we went and had a nice brunch.

[salparadise]

As in the case of Democrat/Republican, if I found out she was a Republican (I'm totally a liberal), I'd excuse myself within ten minutes too. There's just no point. Even if I find her attractive, that difference is going to be an issue.

 

Ain't that the truth! I always try to screen for righties before meeting. It's usually revealed in the profile, and if not I'll ask. I indicated in my essay that I wasn't interested in conservatives... and there are a bunch of them in my neck of the woods; they worry themselves silly that someone who can't work will get access to a buck or two of their taxes.

 

Some women like the man to be in pursuit mode from the git-go, so the coffee date where you're on equal footing with low investment isn't to their liking. They prefer grand gestures where the guy invests and she has rights of first refusal.

 

Something I've done a number of times is to meet at a Mexican restaurant where it's relatively inexpensive and you can have margaritas. If I know before ordering (usual) that I'm not interested then I just order nachos and a drink. I've never tried to exit in less than 45min to an hour, though. That seems rude given that they've made the effort to come out and meet.

Edited February 6, 2016 by salparadise

[AMJ]

OP, c'mon. In all fairness, you've been helping propagate the drama on your own thread for 7 pages. It sounds pretty funny for you to now be saying, "why are we even talking about this." Glean the advice you want—everybody does—and reject the rest. End of story.

 

You still haven't answered my earlier question, as to whether or not all of your coffee dates have been this bad, or if it was just this one fellow. To me, I doubt it would have mattered what you did on a first date with him, it still would've been a dud. Next time, offer up a different suggestion and see what happens.

 

If propagating the drama is defending myself from insults from people on the internet, and clarifying my statements while someone keeps misinterpreting what I'm trying to say- then sure, I'm a drama queen. I don't really start fights but I will never back down from one. I'm not really trying to say "why are we talking about this", hey- I started the thread. I'm just genuinely surprised this topic caused such commotion.

 

Have all of my coffee dates been this bad? No. But not a single one of them has been good. Coffee shops are places where work gets done. When I was a student, that's where I'd go to study, write, and work on group projects. As a professional, Starbucks has been a staple location to have a meeting. I don't ever drink coffee past 10am. I think a coffee date is unoriginal, boring, and usually leads to a job-interview type conversation. And, there's always lurking customers who seem really entertained by my awkward first-date conversation. That's been my experience with coffee dates.

[fitnessfan365]

Fitnessfan that is truly awesome! Funny because not long ago my daughter and I had a discussion about how a guy would be so much better off buying a girl a book than a drink :-)(

 

Thanks! I always laugh when various people would tell me how cheap I was for only getting a single scoop of ice cream and then walking around a bookstore for free. That women want a more "expensive" first date, etc..

 

Yet I got a second date w/every woman I took on it. Now of course, I didn't do this on every first date/meet that I had. But definitely a fair share. The most memorable for me was my ex GF of two years. She looks like a pin up model and is the type of woman people constantly stop to say how pretty she is. So of course she used to have guys spending all sorts of money on her, etc.. But the expensive dinners would always bore her to death. So then I come along with my free bookstore date and that's what made the impression on her. She said it was my confidence in feeling I didn't have to impress her that was sexy and she called it her best first date ever. So that's why I'll always say that a woman (gold diggers withstanding) will always appreciate creativity more than flash.

[RedRobin]

 

Have all of my coffee dates been this bad? No. But not a single one of them has been good. Coffee shops are places where work gets done. When I was a student, that's where I'd go to study, write, and work on group projects. As a professional, Starbucks has been a staple location to have a meeting. I don't ever drink coffee past 10am. I think a coffee date is unoriginal, boring, and usually leads to a job-interview type conversation. And, there's always lurking customers who seem really entertained by my awkward first-date conversation. That's been my experience with coffee dates.

 

Ditto.

 

I have had first meets at yoga, ice skating, rock climbing, or at the jungle gym at the local park, lol. Most of these required some bit of chit chat in advance, so if anyone wanted to back out, they certainly could. No one did. So much more interesting!

[AMJ]

Ok... I'll try this again. Perhaps OP will answer.

 

In this case, I did ask if he wanted to get lunch instead, and he said he'd rather get coffee. More than being angry at this guy for what he did, I'm angry at myself for not trusting my gut. As soon as he insisted on the stupid coffee date- well actually from his initial email- I had a bad feeling. Usually my instincts about things like this are right, but then I tell myself not to be so judgmental, and give this person the benefit of the doubt.

 

Yes, generally, if a guy really wants to take you on a date, he'll do whatever activity you want to do. Believe me, I've had plenty of positive dating experiences to know the difference.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I doubt that coffee dates were invented by men so they didn't have to spend any money.

 

I don't even think of those "first meets" as dates! I would be uncomfortable having a real date with a person I'd never even met! Don't girls often pay for their own coffee or drinks at these first meets as well? It's a different thing than actual "dating" to me - the dating starts when people know they want to, um, date each other.

 

It's not about something guys are doing to girls - it's a 50/50 thing isn't it?

 

OP if you don't want to meed for coffee that is fine for you but if you DO want to meet more guys then you will need to have ideas and suggestions of what you'd like to do on your first meeting, and be prepared to pay for at least your part of it!! I think you're wrong for downtalking guys who don't go all out on a nice date for a girl they don't even know. Obviously from your experiences that would have been an awful idea!

 

I agree with you that the guy who got up and left was horribly rude. Good thing you weren't on a nice date with him.

[RedRobin]

I am not sure that I understand this line of thinking. Whether it is in a coffee shop or elsewhere, isn't getting to know each other all about talking? Why would talking in a shop or elsewhere not tell them about who they are?

 

Do you think mutual interests are important? This is a common line of thinking that I completely disagree with. You can have no mutual interests but just have an amazing time in each other's presence. I've had that many, many times. It is about how personalities mesh to me.

 

Everyone experiences attachment and 'love' differently.

 

I have tons of people I can talk to and relate with. It's not hard for me to find. What IS hard for me to find are active men, of good character, who are good companions, and adventurous. So that is what I screen for. I learned a long time ago that I am not happy with the sit around, eating, drinking crowd...

[katiegrl]

Are you seriously saying that he literally got up without a word and just walked away?

 

After reading this entire thread.....this is the sense I'm getting. Which IS rude. Very rude.

 

And AMJ, it would have been rude after one hour or two hours too.

 

So, is what's bothering you the fact he took you for coffee and left after 30 minutes.....OR was it the *way* in which he chose to leave the date? As you were still talking and drinking your ice tea? He abruptly got up and left?

 

If so, I can certainly understand and empathize! Super rude!

 

But again, same thing could have happened had you been talking one hour or longer....so it is not really the length of time of the date, but the *way* in which he so rudely got up and left the date.

 

And you are certainly within your right to be upset about that....I would too!

 

BTW, I live in southern California too. During the short time I did OLD, I had a few coffee dates...some lasted 15 minutes and some hours, it all depended on how well we clicked or didn't click.

 

If we didn't click, I was very happy to have it end sooner rather than later.

 

JMO, but I don't think a first *meet* warrants spending at least one hour together when it's clear you don't click. I don't think it's rude to *politely* excuse yourself after 15-30 minutes.

 

Again, just my take, but the difference in your situation is *not* that he left after 30 minutes, or even that he took you for coffee.......but the way in which he so rudely got up and left after 30 minutes while you were still talking and drinking your tea.

 

If I am wrong about that, I apologize. But that's my sense after reading all this.

 

In any event, try not to let it get to you. Some people are rude, inconsiderate and don't give a crap how their rude behavior affects others.

 

Try and rise above if you can. I'm trying to anyway.

 

Keep going and wish you the best on your journey!

Edited February 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

She said it was my confidence in feeling I didn't have to impress her that was sexy and she called it her best first date ever. So that's why I'll always say that a woman (gold diggers withstanding) will always appreciate creativity more than flash.

 

One of my favorite dates ever was when a guy invited me to his house to play a game of chess. There was no attempt to sleep with me, he actually just wanted to play chess with me. It meant a lot because it was thoughtful. That wasn't a first date, but still- being thoughtful does not need to mean spending a lot of money. I love the idea of going hiking, or to an art gallery. I'd like a guy to want to go to a park with me, let me bring my paints, and paint with me.

 

Just so everyone knows, I bought my own iced tea yesterday for $3. Last week I went on a date that went really well, we're still talking actually, and I also paid for my half- with no resentment. I do not need a man to pay for my dinner, or coffee, or anything else. I've been wined and dined and taken on lots of expensive dates plenty of times, and while that was all fun in the moment, it never led to anything worthwhile.

[Wewon]

It sounds like the OP had good reasons not to like this guy, or at the very least, not want to see him again just based on his attitudes about the homeless and other views.

 

She also didn't like the fact that in spite of him being the one she deemed out of line, that he ultimately made his rejection explicit by rudely walking away.

 

How was the fact that this was a coffee date the problem? She didn't even like him! Would this have been better if she had a steak sitting in front of her when he started making fun of the homeless? Would she want to hear the homeless crack during appetizers and have to fake it through until the check came?

 

If you're going to see these things, you want to see them during coffee. You also have to be honest with yourself that it probably stings knowing that he was the one that decided not to take things further.

[katiegrl]

It sounds like the OP had good reasons not to like this guy, or at the very least, not want to see him again just based on his attitudes about the homeless and other views.

 

She also didn't like the fact that in spite of him being the one she deemed out of line, that he ultimately made his rejection explicit by rudely walking away.

 

---

 

***How was the fact that this was a coffee date the problem? She didn't even like him! Would this have been better if she had a steak sitting in front of her when he started making fun of the homeless? Would she want to hear the homeless crack during appetizers and have to fake it through until the check came?****

 

------

 

If you're going to see these things, you want to see them during coffee. You also have to be honest with yourself that it probably stings knowing that he was the one that decided not to take things further.

 

Yeah ^^ this was exactly my thought/point too as stated in my previous post.

[AMJ]

You're simply not tied to drawn out ritual with someone that either realizes there is something about you or them that is not worth the effort beyond 30 - 40 minutes. That's one of the purposes of a first date, to weed out people that wont fit, not to tap dance, juggle and do card tricks to be accepted in spite of yourself. To put it bluntly, if its going to fail you want it to fail then.

 

My take on this is that the OP has a bit of a bruise on her ego since she was the one that was rejected and the only consequences to the guy was the price of a cup of coffee.

 

Ah! Thanks for being contrary without being insulting! It's like a breath of fresh air. So one level I do agree with you, and certainly that's how this guy justifies it in his mind. I personally prefer to do that type of weeding out before I meet someone in person. For example, a few email exchanges and we quickly would have learned that we're on opposite sides of the political spectrum. It came out ten minutes into our conversation (people seem to think this is strange, but we've both worked in politics before, so...it's not that strange to talk about right away) and it would have come out in an email.

 

For me, taking the time to email someone is way less effort than meeting them in person. I got the sense from him right away that he did not want to spend lots of time talking/texting- most guys don't- before meeting in person. I thought, well at the worst this will just be another disappointing date. I didn't think I'd be disrespected.

 

But was I rejected though? If I had trusted my earliest judgement, I wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. He was good looking (in photos, in real life, not so much, seriously) and threw some compliments my way. I was hesitant to go out with him because his first message to me was a pretty cheesy line, something like "Let me woo you! I'm a really nice guy looking for someone to spoil". My initial thought was, no one could be this blatantly cheesy, he must not know how to actually talk to women. Seriously. Well, I was wrong. He thinks those are successful pickup lines.

 

Anyway, I can handle being rejected. In my OP I mentioned a story about going out with a guy who finished the date, and we had a great conversation. I don't think either of us were attracted to each other in person- it happens, that's fine. But he did not walk away in the middle of the date, he was polite. We both took the time to meet each other for a drink, and we made the best of it. I think that's the classier approach.

[Keira1231]

I'm saying, if I put in the effort to come meet with you, I deserve at least an hour. Or let me finish my iced tea. In my opinion it's extremely rude to walk away from someone less than an hour into a date. That's not a real date. These are my feelings and opinions, I'm not quite sure why they bother you so much. But I'm certainly entitled to have them.

 

Consider it a bullet dodged... if he's that rude and inconsiderate, better he left than have you waste another second of your time on him, or waste spending time on further dates before discovering he's an Ahole.

[spiderowl]

Not sure why you are going on coffee dates with guys you don't like from the start, but I sympathise if they are rude and just leave half way through. That and something else just confirms how focused guys can be and how it can come across as rude.

 

I am sorry you've had bad experiences. I don't think it's coffee dates as such or how much someone wants to spend. It's just you are picking the wrong guys. You need to pick guys who are clearly interested in you and who you feel excited about too. Don't meet until you get a sense of what kind of person they are.

 

Something is wrong with your picking if you are having such bad experiences. Have these guys seen you before? Are they blind dates or something? A blind date is a big risk because the person has not had chance to see if they are at all attracted to you beforehand. Sometimes they work out; sometimes not.

 

You are worth more than these dates but don't look at it in terms how of much money a guy wants to spend. That will give you a warped idea of dating anyway. What matters is whether they are decent, caring and thoughtful guys who have the talent or resources to look after you in future (that is, if you are looking for something long term).

[loveflower]

I definitely wondered this. But my pictures are recent, and I don't think I really look completely different in real life, but who knows. He certainly wasn't as attractive in person as he was in his photos. He was shorter and thinner. I mean, if he or anyone else is going to care THAT much about me looking perfect, they're not the right guy for me. I just think- regardless, you're on a date with a person, you should be polite and respectful. Because if I weren't a polite person, I would have tossed my half-finished iced tea on him and yelled loudly that he hates homeless people so everyone could hear what a prick he was.

 

anyone who hates homeless people is not a good person.

 

OP you just met a bad person. It has nothing to do with coffee date.

[kendahke]

In this case, I did ask if he wanted to get lunch instead, and he said he'd rather get coffee. More than being angry at this guy for what he did, I'm angry at myself for not trusting my gut.

 

Yeah, I've had the "lesson learned" from not trusting my gut on a full blown first meeting-date with a guy who behaved abominably. I've learned that getting up and walking out when someone begins insulting someone else for no reason other than to be an ass is more than fair.

 

Unfortunately for me, I allowed myself to stay because I didn't want him to think I was a b--when being one should have been my go-to response in light of what he was saying to people around us. Lesson learned--eff their feelings or what they think of me. They'll be on block before I get to my car.

[AMJ]

[] I sense it lurking in other's comments, that I must have done something wrong, or misrepresented myself in some way to warrant a guy being so rude. Gotta love that blame the victim mentality.

 

My main photo on my profile is from this past September. Nothing about my looks has changed that dramatically since then. We recognized each other immediately, so, essentially we both look like our photos online. But it's safe to say both he and I have flattering photos and looked somewhat less attractive in person. If the fact that I look, i don't know, 10% better in my picture than I do in real life...this makes me at fault somehow? Do I now need to stress about posting a photo that is as 100% accurate of me as possible? I look different in different photos. I'm honestly not trying to mislead anyone, I picked three good photos of myself and threw them up in my profile. I put about five minutes of effort into creating my profile. I do not sit around and pose or obsess about what pictures to post. Did I lie about anything? My profile blurb is one sentence long. Our email conversation lacked any substance whatsoever. There wasn't even an opportunity for me to lie about anything.

 

He comes from an extremely wealthy farming family and actually there's a mainstream movie named after the town his family founded in California. I'm sure most of you have heard of it, but I'll refrain from publicly posting the name here...not sure why this creep deserves that much courtesy, but again, I try to live my life with dignity and manners.

 

My best assessment of what his intentions were is perfectly explained by baby green in one of her posts around page 3. He's not looking for anything serious, because he didn't take our date or interaction seriously. He's looking to find a woman who fits into this perfect box of characteristics that meet his desires, and not at all interested in getting to know me as a person. It's a type of superficial dating that is..i dunno, I don't even have words. To me, it's gross and shallow. It's one thing to put women through this type of scrutiny online, it's a whole other thing to do it in person.

 

I just think if I'm going to meet you in person, you should not treat me like I'm on a job interview. I'm sure I can understand and describe the type of woman this guy is looking for, and I'm definitely not her. He's not at all the type of guy for me either.

Edited February 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted ~6

[kendahke]

He comes from an extremely wealthy farming family

 

He's probably used to people not calling him out on his behavior because of his financial standing and feels he can treat people any way he wants and they'll take it because he's got money and they don't. An overblown sense of entitlement--unfortunately, he's probably used to a certain caliber of women because they go along with his behavior in order to be with a rich guy.

 

I think you dodged a bullet, even though the way it was done insulted you.

[Wewon]

I just want to say that relationships of all kinds have an escalating comfort level as well as how we reveal certain things about ourselves to others. This isn't about either party being deceptive, its just the way human nature works. So lets go a little lighter on the Monday morning quarterbacking of why people date someone that is later revealed to be unpleasant.

 

In an ideal world we would know every disagreeable thing about the person at a glance, instead we send and email and see bad grammar, we have a phone call and learn a little more, and then we have a (preferably low pressure) first date and learn a little more. Most relationships flop in the first 90 days for a reason, because we see enough of a picture to know that there isn't enough reason to go further.

 

That's why I say that you should want things to fail early (and cheaply). You want to hear that racist, sexist, homophobic comment on date 1 over coffee instead of hearing that oh-so-funny joke as an ice-breaker at Thanksgiving dinner 6 months in.

[AMJ]

Wewon, well said- and I totally agree. I'd rather find out he hates homeless people before I bother meeting him in person. It's fine that the date failed. It's not fine that he stood up and walked away in the middle of it. I wouldn't do that to a person unless they were extremely rude or demonstrated some extremely bad behavior. Everyone seems to think that's what I must have done, to make him walk away. No, the truth is, men actually do this and they think it's acceptable behavior. My rant about it here is to hopefully deter someone at some corner of this website from doing this to someone else. Like I said on page 1, it's a public service announcement.

[Wewon]

My best assessment of what his intentions were is perfectly explained by baby green in one of her posts around page 3. He's not looking for anything serious, because he didn't take our date or interaction seriously. He's looking to find a woman who fits into this perfect box of characteristics that meet his desires, and not at all interested in getting to know me as a person. It's a type of superficial dating that is..i dunno, I don't even have words. To me, it's gross and shallow. It's one thing to put women through this type of scrutiny online, it's a whole other thing to do it in person.

.

 

As bad as it sounds, this is actually a preferable approach to dating.

 

Again, you both want to know these things early. Its easy to fake social acceptability, most people do this by default. I think that its better for all involved if you both find out that you're not compatible on this level.

 

Now he can go and find his stepford wife without trying to slowly morph into someone that makes you miserable like a male protagonist on the Lifetime channel. "Oh he was great at first, but after 6 months he started saying and doing really crazy things! How did I not see this in the beginning?"

[Ruby Slippers]

I've never done an OLD coffee date. It's always been at least lunch. I once suggested to a man that we downgrade his lunch invitation to coffee, to be mindful of the expense for him, and he goes, "Why don't we just meet for a glass of water?" We had a very nice lunch and coffee at a different place afterward. Not much chemistry, but a lovely afternoon.

 

I've learned to screen carefully before I meet anybody, or even before I give out my phone number. Too many weirdos out there. I have a pretty good idea what I'm looking for, and the guy for me won't mind taking our time and getting to know each other a bit before investing the time and effort to meet.

 

I consider the initial phone call equivalent to the coffee date. Except nobody has to spend any money or blow-dry their hair

[GravityMan]

I don't really view "coffee dates" as actual first dates. To me, they're more like meet-n-greets to see if its worth progressing onward to real dates. They're similar to meeting a person IRL for the first time at college, work, through friends, etc and getting to know him/her a little bit before going on a date with them.