I am done with coffee dates. 100%

[AverageJoe1986]

Oh AND AverageJoe, I just remembered. This is the guy I posted about elsewhere who started the conversation really cheesy with "Let me woo you!" etc. I should have realized then that he was not worth my time, alas, I gave a weirdo a chance, and this is what happens. Every so often I agree to go out with a guy I don't really want to go out with, and it usually ends badly. And then I'll go through a phase where I become way more selective, and the guys accuse me of being too selective. It's a vicious cycle.

 

Well as I said at the time, the 'let me woo you' and 'I'm downright too nice for my own good' was almost too funny to be taken seriously. I would have assumed he was being ironic. You have dodged a bullet there, trust me.

[AMJ]

AMJ you are so funny. I laughed out loud a couple of times reading your original post. Sorry to be having fun at your demise, ha ha, but I just didn't read it as if you are seriously angry or bitter.

Oh... What a predicament! I also don't like coffee dates. It's as if you wanted some coffee anyway and you agree to share a table with a stranger. Is that really even a date?

But what IS fun, is people watching at Starbucks, spotting a guy and a gal obviously meeting there for the first time.

 

At least someone on loveshack.org still has a sense of humor. I'm really glad to hear this, and this gives me hope for the rest of us! Yeah, to be honest, I was angry about the date but mostly just wanted the post to be funny while expressing an opinion for men who need advice about dating to consider. And I wondered if other women agreed. It's fine that some people still love that good ol' coffee date, to each his own. I also think people from different generations experience different versions of the coffee date. Whatever. I'm tired of talking about it. I had no idea it would cause such a stir. I can think of at least five more important things we should all get so worked up about. It's comical at this point that a coffee date could be a contentious issue.

 

And, yes..right on about the thing I failed to mention. While on a coffee date, people in the shop are always aware of the fact that you and this guy are on a super awkward coffee date. Especially at a starbucks. So seriously embarrassing. Ugh. I just can't.

[fitnessfan365]

One "first meet" I used to like to do w/online dating was for a scoop of ice cream and then checking out the Barnes and Noble next door together afterwards. You can learn a lot about someone when various areas of the store bring up all sorts of conversations.

 

The date itself cost less than $10. But the general consensus was that it was creative and so much more fun than coffee or a sit down dinner.

[Shining One]

OP, have you counter offered with the line: "How about we go out for drinks instead? First round is on me."

[losangelena]

At least someone on loveshack.org still has a sense of humor. I'm really glad to hear this, and this gives me hope for the rest of us! Yeah, to be honest, I was angry about the date but mostly just wanted the post to be funny while expressing an opinion for men who need advice about dating to consider. And I wondered if other women agreed. It's fine that some people still love that good ol' coffee date, to each his own. I also think people from different generations experience different versions of the coffee date. Whatever. I'm tired of talking about it. I had no idea it would cause such a stir. I can think of at least five more important things we should all get so worked up about. It's comical at this point that a coffee date could be a contentious issue.

 

And, yes..right on about the thing I failed to mention. While on a coffee date, people in the shop are always aware of the fact that you and this guy are on a super awkward coffee date. Especially at a starbucks. So seriously embarrassing. Ugh. I just can't.

 

OP, c'mon. In all fairness, you've been helping propagate the drama on your own thread for 7 pages. It sounds pretty funny for you to now be saying, "why are we even talking about this." Glean the advice you want—everybody does—and reject the rest. End of story.

 

You still haven't answered my earlier question, as to whether or not all of your coffee dates have been this bad, or if it was just this one fellow. To me, I doubt it would have mattered what you did on a first date with him, it still would've been a dud. Next time, offer up a different suggestion and see what happens.

[AverageJoe1986]

 

And, yes..right on about the thing I failed to mention. While on a coffee date, people in the shop are always aware of the fact that you and this guy are on a super awkward coffee date. Especially at a starbucks. So seriously embarrassing. Ugh. I just can't.

 

You see for me it's not just coffee dates it's dates in general. But in England, certainly until recently, dating was just something you saw on American sitcoms. All my experience with women is you just start going out with each other after mutual friends have let you both know you like each other. Or you get drunk at the pub, sleep together and suddenly you're a couple. I think I've been on maybe two actual dates in my life (outside of relationships). One was excruciatingly awkward and the other one we both got very drunk and there's a cctv tape somewhere from Balham High Street that has more action than it bargained for.

 

Anyway as far as imported Americanisms go it beats these bloody Prom nights kids have now.

[SolG]

One "first meet" I used to like to do w/online dating was for a scoop of ice cream and then checking out the Barnes and Noble next door together afterwards. You can learn a lot about someone when various areas of the store bring up all sorts of conversations.

 

The date itself cost less than $10. But the general consensus was that it was creative and so much more fun than coffee or a sit down dinner.

 

Fitnessfan that is truly awesome! Funny because not long ago my daughter and I had a discussion about how a guy would be so much better off buying a girl a book than a drink :-)

 

OP that guy was a rude asshat. But he probs would have been as sshat on a dinner date as well! In that context he may have walked out and left you with a substantial bill.

 

I personally really like a coffee or brunch meet, but I'm not averse to drinks either. I'm not a fan of dinner first up at all because of cost and time. For me that first meet is about testing the water. I liked what I saw in the OLD environment... but RL is always the litmus test. And I just find that easier and less stressful in a casual environment. I find it more relaxing to meet in a more casual setting where there's no requirement for airs and graces.

 

I personally take no extra effort for a date than I do going out at any other time; appropriats to the covenue of course. I've even had a bit of a scheduling disaster and turned up to a brunch date sweaty still in my workout gear :-) My date didn't care a smidge!

 

You've actually made me thankful that I live where I do. I'm not wearing makeup at all in three of my five profile pics. It must be horrible to be somewhere you have to be so hyper vigilant about perfect appearance. That must suck :-(

[insert_name]

Just curious, what is the age group of the jeans and T shirt people that you're dating?

I just find it amusing that putting a dress on is considered being 'dressed-up'...

 

Late 20s, early 30s. I appreciate anything a woman might do to make herself look like she put a bit of effort in for a first date- make a good impression etc, like a dress that accentuates her figure, make up or whatever. But most I am sorry to say look like they have just rolled out of bed. I guess women these days must go on so many dates that they can't be bothered to make a good visual first impression anymore. Either that or I don't make a good enough first impression to warrant it! Although I don't think that is the case as the girl will often indicate by text that they are really excited about meeting me...but then turn up looking like they just got dressed to go to the shop for milk.

[Httm]

I went on 1 coffee date and I knew from that point on, it's a cheap date. Guy's who have coffee dates are usually wanting that type of relationship. Quick and over with. After that, only really dinner or activity dating... OLD unfortunately, has a ton of coffee date guys, but, so whenever someone asked me to go grab a drink, I said, I'm sorry, but, I rather do something else than drink for the first date.

 

I pretty much exclusively did walk and talk dates, but I also live in warm climate. Walk by the beach or in a downtown and get to know them. No money involved. Why would it need to be? Next dates are often mini golf. I like to keep things loose and relaxed and get to know them. Your assumption about coffee date guys makes no sense to me though.

[ScienceGal]

Look I am not saying he needed to stay for two hours to learn my life story. This guy stood up in the middle of a conversation after 30 minutes and just walked away. How is that not considered rude? Hippie, Gaeta, you both are missing my point completely. But I'm so happy that you both love coffee dates.

 

So, this guy is rude. He's one person and one experience. Are there more like him? Sure. But there are also other men who are kind and considerate. Sounds like you're more frustrated with the amount of time you're putting in because you're getting little in return. I understand that though, which is exactly why am taking a break from dating. You have to want it enough to put in the time and the effort, realizing that it might be a long road before you find a match.

 

My advice, take a break. You're too down and bitter at the moment.

 

Also, you talk about having to get all dolled up for a coffee date. You don't. Really. I don't care where you live. A guy who is going to be the right match for you will love the way you look when you're dressed casually.

[Lois_Griffin]

I have never said that I expect anyone to spend $100 or any certain amount of money on a first date. I DO expect someone to spend a certain amount of time on a date, given the effort that I've put into meeting with this person in the first place. It's not about money, it's about effort.

 

Gaeta, if you have no problem going on dates that last 30 minutes, GOOD FOR YOU.

I completely get what you're saying. I've often referred to Southern Cali as 'the land of the plastic people.'

 

In today's instant gratification society, everyone thinks there has to be an IMMEDIATE spark or - HORRORS!!!! - they've just wasted 60 precious minutes of their lives that they'll never get back!!! A travesty, I tells you. Hell, farther up in the thread, someone is lamenting that they wasted a WHOLE 4 hours on someone who didn't feel a connection with him and he could have been going out instead with the female bartender. Gosh, the loss of those a few hours is seen by some as losing a kidney or something. Jesus.

 

Honestly? I never felt an immediate 'spark' with anyone at a first meet. There were some I thought were attractive and felt I'd see again, but it wasn't fireworks and all that stuff. Some people are just so damned unrealistic in their expectations.

 

Lastly, some people have a hard and fast rule that their fist meet (which is what a coffee 'date' is) will be no longer than half an hour. You know, because spending a whole HOUR is an extra 30 minutes of their oh so precious time which could have been spent discovering the cure for Cancer.

[Robert]

After quite the cleanup of all the rude and off topic posts we are to be back posting ON TOPIC and post with some sense of respect for your fellow poster or you will lose your posting privileges for a timeout.

 

Carry On.....

[Erdbeere]

I thought the whole point of this site was to give each other constructive feedback and support about things that are frustrating us, not to tear each other down on a Friday night. That's just sad.

 

I want to let you know that I support you in posting this. I think many of the people posting here don't realise how hostile and condescending they come across. They are insistent one has made a mistake, insistent they would have done things better, and insistent that should you dare try to discuss matters, that you have an attitude problem.

 

Worse still, they are the posters posturing that they are nice people.

 

Stay true to yourself. It's clear to anyone impartial you wanted to just chat about what happened, and are receptive to feedback, so long as it is delivered with compassion, from those having actually bothered to pay attention to the facts (rather than invent their own).

 

Best of luck.

[RedRobin]

Spending a lot of time. As in, putting on makeup, fixing my hair, figuring out what to wear, etc. It's a process for women to get ready for a first date. Guys just throw on a shirt and head out the door. So my point is, it's frustrating to spend so much time from my day to go on a half-assed date. I'm over it. If other women love coffee dates- great for them! It's not for me.

 

I hate coffee dates too. Not because I am bad at them, but because the men are and it is boring. Lol.

 

Whatever BS they have been saying in their profile can just get repeated in the coffee meet. Does zero to out who they really are.

 

What I say in my profile is that I prefer to do something inexpensive in line with our mutual interests... Since I am active, that means doing something active, for instance. That way, if it's a no go, I still feel it was a productive part of my day.

[kendahke]

Ok... I'll try this again. Perhaps OP will answer.

 

When you suggest doing the inexpensive, creative things to do other than the coffee date, what do they say and why won't they do it?

[normal person]

I hate coffee dates too. Not because I am bad at them, but because the men are and it is boring. Lol.

 

Whatever BS they have been saying in their profile can just get repeated in the coffee meet. Does zero to out who they really are.

 

 

This is why I never take a girl to coffee or lunch. It's not fun, it's not sexy, bad atmosphere, it seems forced, etc. It just doesn't lend itself well to the romantic aspects of dating. Bars make your interactions seem more organic. That's where people normally meet strangers and talk so nothing seems contrived. Alcohol helps the inhibitions. You probably dress up a little more and it feels more like a real romantic interaction and not so much like a job interview.

 

The whole process of dating is just part of the big dance. First impressions are important and getting off on the wrong foot is not a good look. There might be something to be said about some guys who would prefer going to Starbucks at 2pm rather than a bar at 10. That, to me seems like a lack of judgment. In my mind it's not worth it to save the $20, which is insignificant.

[RedRobin]

^^ whatever you pick ought to say something about who you are, I agree.

 

I don't drink much and prefer men who also are not big drinkers, so the meeting at a bar wouldn't go over well... Seems about the same as coffee. It is still sitting down somewhere....plus some women will assume you are trying to go for an alcohol fueled ONS.

[Wewon]

I hate- seriously hate- coffee dates. Guys invented the coffee date because they don't want to spend money, I get it. There are more creative ways to go on an inexpensive date. They also don't want to commit an entire hour or two or whatever period of time is normal for a first date, until they're absolutely sure they're going to like you. But the thing is, women will spend- and are expected to spend- just as much time preparing for a stupid coffee date that we will spend on a real date. I've been dating for...thirteen years now. I think I've gone on maybe five coffee dates in that time. Which is because I've never liked them to begin with. Not a single coffee date has ever resulted in anything worthwhile.

 

 

Coffee dates are a practical way to see if you will enjoy a person's company without either party putting in a heavy investment of time or money. If you're spending a lot of time preparing for these then that's on you, not the guy.

 

Its always odd that women are so easily offended at any request that a man can make of them but they have zero problem with giving a man step-by-step instructions on how he is suppose to date, spend money, select venues etc.

 

Hey, at least he didn't ask you to make dinner at your place? LOL!

[Httm]

I hate coffee dates too. Not because I am bad at them, but because the men are and it is boring. Lol.

 

Whatever BS they have been saying in their profile can just get repeated in the coffee meet. Does zero to out who they really are.

 

What I say in my profile is that I prefer to do something inexpensive in line with our mutual interests... Since I am active, that means doing something active, for instance. That way, if it's a no go, I still feel it was a productive part of my day.

 

I am not sure that I understand this line of thinking. Whether it is in a coffee shop or elsewhere, isn't getting to know each other all about talking? Why would talking in a shop or elsewhere not tell them about who they are?

 

Do you think mutual interests are important? This is a common line of thinking that I completely disagree with. You can have no mutual interests but just have an amazing time in each other's presence. I've had that many, many times. It is about how personalities mesh to me.

[Httm]

This is why I never take a girl to coffee or lunch. It's not fun, it's not sexy, bad atmosphere, it seems forced, etc. It just doesn't lend itself well to the romantic aspects of dating. Bars make your interactions seem more organic. That's where people normally meet strangers and talk so nothing seems contrived. Alcohol helps the inhibitions. You probably dress up a little more and it feels more like a real romantic interaction and not so much like a job interview.

 

The whole process of dating is just part of the big dance. First impressions are important and getting off on the wrong foot is not a good look. There might be something to be said about some guys who would prefer going to Starbucks at 2pm rather than a bar at 10. That, to me seems like a lack of judgment. In my mind it's not worth it to save the $20, which is insignificant.

 

I'm the opposite. I find bars to be completely low class, as is the reliance on drugs to help interaction(alcohol).

[gaius]

I don't know if most guys are retarded or whatever but you should be able to glean enough information and feeling just from talking to a girl on the phone to know if there's anything there or not. And if there is then at least take her out to dinner.

 

When I was first moving down to Florida it was going to be in the Tampa area but in the months between the time when I booked my passage and actually going Timshel and I started talking and I realized that there was something special here, so I ended up adding a trip to Tallahassee from Tampa right after I got off the plane. Plus 2 hotel nights so I'd be in town long enough to spend a decent amount of time with her, and an entertainment budget for dinners and stuff. All based off the feeling I got off our phone time.

 

Seriously, if you can't even divine if you should spend 50 bucks on dinner and a movie (or just a nicer dinner) from talking on the phone then you're doing something very, very wrong.

[carhill]

Heh, I've talked to women on the phone who ended up being married. People lie! This back during the landline, pay phone era. That was when I started coming up with inexpensive date ideas. Never thought of coffee as a date because, heck, that was four bits and unlimited refills. Lunch was a couple of bucks each. OK. I think I splurged with the last lady I dated back in '10 and took her to a lunch sushi place and is was 30 bucks with sake. In my neck of the woods, that's an inexpensive date and no self-respecting woman would drive her car for a cup of coffee, at least none in my demographic when there's guys who will take them to the country club for lunch. It's all about degrees. Those without the resources don't get to play. Good on the OP for at least giving it a shot (the coffee dates)

[Wewon]

I think that people are getting to caught up in the 'coffee' aspect of a coffee date. It doesn't matter if you are literally drinking coffee in a coffee shop or meeting at a video arcade, the point is that its a low pressure, low cost environment to meet a virtual stranger.

 

And yes, part of the benefit of doing this is so you can exit quickly when the person on the other side of the table says something crazy like, "I think that slavery would have been a good idea if...". How many threads do you see where people are coming up with exit strategies when sitting in a restaurant eating a full meal? That may as well be its own genre of dating pratfalls.

 

When you consider how fickle people can be, why not go in understanding that something trivial can be a nexting event? I would rather rather find out that my style of dress, my height, or my views on the spotted owl are unacceptable for $10 and 30 minutes of my time rather than after an elaborate plan that was supposed to take up the evening.

 

And there is nothing that says that a coffee date can't lead to a movie, dinner, a walk in the part or any number of other things if you enjoy the person. You're simply not tied to drawn out ritual with someone that either realizes there is something about you or them that is not worth the effort beyond 30 - 40 minutes. That's one of the purposes of a first date, to weed out people that wont fit, not to tap dance, juggle and do card tricks to be accepted in spite of yourself. To put it bluntly, if its going to fail you want it to fail then.

 

My take on this is that the OP has a bit of a bruise on her ego since she was the one that was rejected and the only consequences to the guy was the price of a cup of coffee.

[Robratory]

I hear your frustration, but if you're referring to the first real-life meeting after an online contact, I think most men and women prefer the coffee date (which I doubt was invented by guys).

 

There's really no point in spending two hours talking to someone you have zero interest in. Consider that the lack of spark is often not mutual, so if you don't fancy the guy but talk to him for two hours, he's likely to think you do fancy him.

 

Also, we might have to take a poll on this, but I think men and women react differently in this case. I think women have more room for "I'm not attracted but I like him as a person," and I think men, if they're not attracted, they're basically repelled. Frankly, I've never really found a woman unattractive to me to be interesting enough to want to talk to.

 

As in the case of Democrat/Republican, if I found out she was a Republican (I'm totally a liberal), I'd excuse myself within ten minutes too. There's just no point. Even if I find her attractive, that difference is going to be an issue.

 

As for getting ready, I always tell women, come casual. Just put on some jeans or some sweats and don't worry about makeup. But of course, I never leave midway through her coffee.

[Robratory]

I don't know if most guys are retarded or whatever but you should be able to glean enough information and feeling just from talking to a girl on the phone to know if there's anything there or not. And if there is then at least take her out to dinner.

 

The thing is, I'm pretty sure this is in the context of online dating, and that it refers to the first face-to-face meeting. And no, just talking to someone on the phone isn't enough, especially when the profile pictures are ten years old.

 

There's no way I'm sitting through an entire dinner with a woman I turn out to be completely not attracted to.