If I have no reasons to check should I still check?

[Gaeta]

So say it in English....

 

Does he speak English?

 

Or do you only speak French with each other?

 

Anyway, given your post about French guys waiting for the woman to express herself about what she wants ....I think you should!

 

And Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas ! :-)

 

Everything is French He does not speak ONE word of English !! He doesn't even understand 'good morning' which is so Universal.

[katiegrl]

The cultural differences are starting to pop out.

 

He was telling me how easier it is to approach people in general in his country and inviting a woman for a coffee does not equate you're interested in a relationship with her but are simply looking to widen your network of friends and acquaintances.

 

I said to him that here, if you are in a relationship and you go out and invite a stranger woman for a coffee, when you get back home you will be crucified - you understand that?

 

He said yes he is learning inter-personal relationships and romantic relationships are manged differently here. Then he said he's lucky I seem to be more French than American in my way of thinking and it's been easier to connect with me.

 

That is interesting! I am from northern Europe originally, and your first paragraph is how I think too. Even though I was raised mostly in the U.S. But my parents were raised in Europe, so maybe I inherited their way of thinking.

 

It works in my favor though, because since when I approach, it is not to *get a date* per se ....I am more relaxed and casual about it ...thus making whomever I am talking to feel relaxed, which makes it easier to connect!

 

Men and women.

 

So many contrived rules in the West makes it very difficult to connect!

Edited December 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[GemmaUK]

I think you need to find 'some' phrase/way to say in a girly flirty way with a smile that you are into him.

Not a 'heavy' phrase but something to imply actual fondness/fancying him - that kind of thing.

There must be some French words you can use to express a lot of like without it being love or anything too heavy?

 

*Gemma wracks her mind for French vocabulary...*

[katiegrl]

Gaeta how about "Tu es genial."

 

Meaning "I think you are awesome or great".

 

Would that work?

[Gaeta]

I think you need to find 'some' phrase/way to say in a girly flirty way with a smile that you are into him.

Not a 'heavy' phrase but something to imply actual fondness/fancying him - that kind of thing.

There must be some French words you can use to express a lot of like without it being love or anything too heavy?

 

*Gemma wracks her mind for French vocabulary...*

 

haha I find it cute I'm getting vocabulary suggestion from British woman :-)

 

I have dropped hints here and there such as I have fallen for his charm etc. I compliment him too. Sometimes he says he wants to conquer this little Canadian woman's heart. As if he had not done it already. He's a romantic and I think he enjoys this phase of winning me over.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta how about "Tu es genial."

 

Meaning "I think you are awesome or great".

 

Would that work?

 

I think it's something I could use. I remember last French men I dated last summer told me this expression. It's very European French. Here we would use it to describe a great object or turn of event. The temperature is 'genial' example.

[GemmaUK]

haha I find it cute I'm getting vocabulary suggestion from British woman :-)

 

I have dropped hints here and there such as I have fallen for his charm etc. I compliment him too. Sometimes he says he wants to conquer this little Canadian woman's heart. As if he had not done it already. He's a romantic and I think he enjoys this phase of winning me over.

 

Lol!

French drove me nuts at school. I hated the lessons but I found I translated anything I said in my head - it kinda got hold of me!

I recall a holiday as a 13 yo in Northern France where we went to a small village and had to find the bakery. This was all we knew.

The bakery owners owned the Gite we were staying in.

We got there and the whole village was on the street partying - it was manic and midnight!!!! The lady came out and rattled off in French. My Dad went speechless.

I was in the back and said 'we need to turn the car around, her husband has the key to the Gite and we need to follow him'

Literally, all I caught was turn, car, husband, follow and key.

Me and Dad went to get fresh bread the next morning and Mrs Bakery thought I was completely fluent in French from the night before. She soon became aware I was not! Lol! But we did get an invite to the party the following weekend which was an awesome event!

 

Back to topic - You two seem to be getting on well.

 

 

I am starting to side with KG. Don't look for problems. Maybe you did and your instinct is going too far with this one. You seem happy and balanced in terms of interest levels.

Being still online is actually something I do because - I just forget - but also I get the odd mail from the guy I am seeing and also like to look at his pics now and then. A month in I would not be FB friend so my access to his pics is on OLD.

[katiegrl]

Hey G ...off topic, but did you buy him a gift for Christmas?

 

What to buy for a man we only just started dating, right?

 

Wonder if he will get you anything!

[dobielover]

That is interesting! I am from northern Europe originally, and your first paragraph is how I think too. Even though I was raised mostly in the U.S. But my parents were raised in Europe, so maybe I inherited their way of thinking.

 

It works in my favor though, because since when I approach, it is not to *get a date* per se ....I am more relaxed and casual about it ...thus making whomever I am talking to feel relaxed, which makes it easier to connect!

 

Men and women.

 

So many contrived rules in the West makes it very difficult to connect!

 

My BS meter is off the charts here.

 

You'd be okay with your boyfriend or fiancé asking an attractive woman out for coffee? Because it would mean he's just expanding his connections?

 

Yeah right.

[katiegrl]

My BS meter is off the charts here.

 

You'd be okay with your boyfriend or fiancé asking an attractive woman out for coffee? Because it would mean he's just expanding his connections?

 

Yeah right.

 

I was talking about me...

 

Approaching people (at a cafe, on line at the supermarket, on the train) just to chat, make friends, *not* to get a date.

 

Boyfriend (ex) is the same, very outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily.

 

Had friends of both genders ....yes women friends (oh the horror). I became friends with them too.

 

I would have no problem with him having coffee with a female co-worker for example.

 

As for him going out of his way to ask an attractive woman he had never met out for coffee, yes that would bother me.

 

Although I recall he did meet a woman at a seminar once and they shared a cup of coffee afterwards.

 

He became friends with her, and eventually so did I, we would double date with her and her boyfriend!

 

My ex is from Sweden, born and raised there until 12 when they came to U.S.

 

Believe it or not!

 

And why would I BS about that? Who cares?

 

I just thought what Gaeta posted about how her guy thinks, being from Europe, was interesting.... being how it is similar to how I think too.

 

When growing up, I witnessed my dad approaching people just to chat. Men and women. No ulterior motive. Meeting people came very easy to him.

 

He was also very gregarious and made friends easily.

 

This is how I was raised dobie.

 

Different cultures, different strokes.

Edited December 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[RedRobin]

Quick question... Since you met online, what did you say you were looking for? I have up that I am looking for a life partner. I don't respond to men who are wishy washy about their relationship intentions... Of course, they won't know if they want a relationship with ME for awhile... But they do have to demonstrate they are serious about looking for a relationship.

 

Is that what you want? A serious relationship? How did this start?

 

If you are looking for a relationship, but do this go with the flow thing, it's no wonder you meet so many flakes and confused men.

 

Anyway, if you are logging in, he could just as easily think you are entertaining other offers. You know how I feel about multi dating and why I don't do it or date those who do. Being exclusive isn't a commitment... But it does build a better foundation for trust to develop IMHO. Ok, off my soapbox.

 

Long story short... Say SOMETHING. Both people are responsible for being upfront with their dating style.

[Gaeta]

Hey G ...off topic, but did you buy him a gift for Christmas?

 

What to buy for a man we only just started dating, right?

 

Wonder if he will get you anything!

 

I did not get him anything. I invited him for dinner on the 23rd. That was my Xmas contribution :-) I didn't feel we dated long enough to offer gifts. He did not offer me anything either. He told me a couple of weeks ago he was bad with gifts so I felt It was better I didn't put that pressure on him by offering something.

[Gaeta]

Quick question... Since you met online, what did you say you were looking for?

Oh absolutely. I speak loud and clear about what I am looking for on a first conversation. I am looking for a man serious about building a long lasting relationship, someone to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. I leave no room for misinterpretation and I do not waste time on men that want to 'go with the flow'.

 

He says he is looking for the same thing but pretty much all men I met said the same, they've been trained to say the right thing to get us into bed.

 

That being said he seems to have the profile of a man looking for a long term relation. He was in 2 long term relationship of 10 years each. Nothing short term in between or since.

 

We should see each other tomorrow. I will explore the territory.

[guest569]

Exactly. And wouldn't it be a travesty if he were thinking the same thing? "She hasn't raised exclusivity, she must be seeing others, so I'm keeping my options open too"...

 

Not everyone has these silly rules though, to think that people are most certainly cheating unless stated otherwise in a formal conversation. I get it, that is how it is. But its stupid.

[guest569]

A month is too short to know someone well enough.

 

I disagree. Dating someone for a month is surely enough time to decide if you want to be screwing other people.

[IronZ]

Gaeta you want something to happen be vocal your never gonna get a successful relationship if you want everything to be planned or fall into place as you imagine. Men they are creatures of words not guesses they dont ponder what you might be feeling or thinking all day most men will go about things as normal till its brought to their attention even woman ppl in general.

 

This sums up everything. As far as I know us guys haven't invented telepathy yet. Don't assume we know everything going on in a girl's head. You think we're doing something wrong? Let us know so we can correct it.

[RedRobin]

Oh absolutely. I speak loud and clear about what I am looking for on a first conversation. I am looking for a man serious about building a long lasting relationship, someone to fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. I leave no room for misinterpretation and I do not waste time on men that want to 'go with the flow'.

 

He says he is looking for the same thing but pretty much all men I met said the same, they've been trained to say the right thing to get us into bed.

 

That being said he seems to have the profile of a man looking for a long term relation. He was in 2 long term relationship of 10 years each. Nothing short term in between or since.

 

We should see each other tomorrow. I will explore the territory.

 

Ok, if you said what you were looking for upfront, then exclusivity ought to be assumed. Dating around isn't the behavior of someone who is looking for a relationship. Period. It's behavior of people who don't know what they want.

 

I have never asked for exclusivity and generally shy away from guys who have the so called exclusivity talk (as you know). I observe. I tell them I am not interested in seeing other people (since that is not my style). Not because he is so special and I am desperate for a relationship, but because it doesn't build trust... As you are witnessing.

 

If I suspect he is playing the field, I dump him. I have never been wrong. After the fact, those guys always act surprised and pissed... They assume they are the deciders. Wrong. If he lies to me about intentions, starts acting vague and even a little flaky, they are dumped. No questions asked.

 

But here's the thing... You can't be on the dating sites checking up. It shows bad faith. It also leaves the impression that you are still on. Trust your instincts. Or learn to trust them. I know when things are off. Are they? It sounds like he is doing the actions of a guy who is sincerely getting to know you... But I may be wrong. Only you know.

 

No offense, but a lot of the mistrust is baggage from the multidating if you ask me. Just my 0.02.

[Zeegagge]

Gaeta, I attempt to say this with humility and some compassion.

 

This is the only thread of yours that I have read (all, now 10, pages.)

 

I can't believe that I am the only guy on the forum to point this out.

 

The whole thing reeks of desperation.

 

This guy may be genuine, may not, or may be both (we'll get to that). He may very well be your "the one". I have not read or heard his words, only yours.

 

A guy like me can smell your desperation and insecurity from a mile away on a breezy day.

 

You want so much for things to be perfect, but you are way too focused on his actions, and not your own.

 

You mention you've been told way too many times all the right things, only to have been fooled. It's a familiar pattern.

 

You see guys can be slightly more complicated than just "player" or "looking for relationship." I could very well be looking for a relationship but not with you. I will act the same, regardless. You will pick up the relationship cue, I will pick up the nookie. Maybe soon I will genuinely like you, maybe we'll even get married and make thousands of babies. Maybe I'll turn into the next one who seemed so right at the time, only to add one more cycle to the pattern you seem to be stuck. In the end it won't matter because I come out ahead either way.

 

It's a shame that this is happening now. He may be the one, but you need to focus on yourself, and quick. The only person you should be dating is you. It's quite the conundrum. Give up this awesome guy now, when things are good? Obviously not a great choice. The alternative, however, is to allow your own insecurities to ruin things. This turns him from "looking for a relationship" into "looking for a relationship but not with you, so I'll have some fun along the way." In your head that looks like a guy who seemed genuine but was deceitful. To me it's I liked you, I really did, but you weren't ready, so we banged a bit and then I moved on. Heartbreaking.

 

I don't want that for you, you seem wonderful.

 

Illustrating the problem is not fixxing it, so I'm offering the best solution I can come up with. You need to take the quickest dating sabbatical ever. Use the holidays as a reason, or whatever you can come up with. You need more time, but you've got, I'd say a week at most. Focus on yourself. You are doing this not for him, or for anybody else. Don't even think about him. Don't be the girl he wants or doesn't want. Be the girl you want. Find it. I'm sure you've been there before, you just need to get back. Do it right and when you do get back, he will be the one laying out the stepping stones, and you'll be the one deciding which ones to take. No official dating conversations necessary from anyone. Those are the best relationships and on a higher level rarely even mentioned on this forum.

 

This guy is thrilled to have you, don't sabotage yourself.

 

It's late, that's all I have.

 

To the poster about to flame me, don't be mad that I just threw the player's perspective up here...

[StBreton]

Ok, if you said what you were looking for upfront, then exclusivity ought to be assumed. Dating around isn't the behavior of someone who is looking for a relationship. Period. It's behavior of people who don't know what they want.

 

I have never asked for exclusivity and generally shy away from guys who have the so called exclusivity talk (as you know). I observe. I tell them I am not interested in seeing other people (since that is not my style). Not because he is so special and I am desperate for a relationship, but because it doesn't build trust... As you are witnessing.

 

If I suspect he is playing the field, I dump him. I have never been wrong. After the fact, those guys always act surprised and pissed... They assume they are the deciders. Wrong. If he lies to me about intentions, starts acting vague and even a little flaky, they are dumped. No questions asked.

 

But here's the thing... You can't be on the dating sites checking up. It shows bad faith. It also leaves the impression that you are still on. Trust your instincts. Or learn to trust them. I know when things are off. Are they? It sounds like he is doing the actions of a guy who is sincerely getting to know you... But I may be wrong. Only you know.

 

No offense, but a lot of the mistrust is baggage from the multidating if you ask me. Just my 0.02.

 

Well said RR. This is totally my style as well and it has not failed me in regards to dating. If I feel we aren't on the same page, Next. I've got too much to offer to be with someone who's wishy washy about me or life in general.

[insert_name]

Ok, if you said what you were looking for upfront, then exclusivity ought to be assumed. Dating around isn't the behavior of someone who is looking for a relationship. Period. It's behavior of people who don't know what they want.

 

I have never asked for exclusivity and generally shy away from guys who have the so called exclusivity talk (as you know). I observe. I tell them I am not interested in seeing other people (since that is not my style). Not because he is so special and I am desperate for a relationship, but because it doesn't build trust... As you are witnessing.

 

If I suspect he is playing the field, I dump him. I have never been wrong. After the fact, those guys always act surprised and pissed... They assume they are the deciders. Wrong. If he lies to me about intentions, starts acting vague and even a little flaky, they are dumped. No questions asked.

 

But here's the thing... You can't be on the dating sites checking up. It shows bad faith. It also leaves the impression that you are still on. Trust your instincts. Or learn to trust them. I know when things are off. Are they? It sounds like he is doing the actions of a guy who is sincerely getting to know you... But I may be wrong. Only you know.

 

No offense, but a lot of the mistrust is baggage from the multidating if you ask me. Just my 0.02.

 

Yep, multi-dating gives you a multi-daters mindset, once you have learned to think like that it becomes harder to trust others because you are well accustomed to the thought patterns of that sort of person and know how they can justify the sort of things they might do that could hurt you. Mis-trust and insecurity then follows once the multi-dater meets someone that they want to commit to.

 

People really don't get just how multi-dating hurts everyone, ultimately.

[Gaeta]

I observe. I tell them I am not interested in seeing other people

 

That means nothing.

 

I had men telling me this and I went 'ok'. To me it means he is not interested in multi-dating but in no way did I understand that statement as he'd prefer I don't multi-date. I've never stopped multi-dating because a man told me he did not believe in multi-dating. If he did not want 'us' to multi-date he had better change his statement with 'I would prefer WE do not multi-date'.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I attempt to say this with humility and some compassion.

 

This is the only thread of yours that I have read (all, now 10, pages.)

 

I can't believe that I am the only guy on the forum to point this out.

 

The whole thing reeks of desperation.

 

 

Oh yes I won't deny I am restless a little.

 

I have been online dating for almost 4 years and met 150+ men. I had tons of micro-relationships that aborted after 1 month, a few 2-3 months relationships and 1 only that lasted up to 6 months and he disappeared without a word so that doesn't help the trust department.

 

I have dated SO many men that no one around me is interested in hearing if I am seeing someone. I told my mom a week ago I was seeing someone. She used to ask me what is his name, what he does for living, does he have children etc. Now I get NO reaction at all, they don't care, they know in another couple of weeks he won't be around anymore so why bother to even ask his name.

 

So yes now I come across as desperate when a man stick around more than the first 4-5 dates.

[Zapbasket]

Oh yes I won't deny I am restless a little.

 

I have been online dating for almost 4 years and met 150+ men. I had tons of micro-relationships that aborted after 1 month, a few 2-3 months relationships and 1 only that lasted up to 6 months and he disappeared without a word so that doesn't help the trust department.

 

I have dated SO many men that no one around me is interested in hearing if I am seeing someone. I told my mom a week ago I was seeing someone. She used to ask me what is his name, what he does for living, does he have children etc. Now I get NO reaction at all, they don't care, they know in another couple of weeks he won't be around anymore so why bother to even ask his name.

 

So yes now I come across as desperate when a man stick around more than the first 4-5 dates.

 

Hi Gaeta,

 

I've read your whole thread and was unsure how to respond until I read this post. My first thought was, holy moly, how exhausted you must be. 150+ men in 4 years?!? Hopes lifted and dashed, lifted and dashed, ad nauseum?!? Friends and family trying to preserve a sense of balance around you by staying neutral where your dates are concerned, so their hopes aren't lifted and dashed in perpetual motion, too?

 

I think you need to take a breath and ask yourself what you are REALLY looking for in this exhausting dating routine. A relationship, yes; love, yes--but beneath that, what desire(s) are driving you? You obviously are trying to fix a sense of discontent via all this dating; what is that discontent? What do you feel your life is lacking that you hope a relationship will replace?

 

Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and wanting love. But often those desires are driven by deeper, less tangible desires that dictate our attitude and actions more than we would care to acknowledge.

 

Take a breath. And, take charge of what you know you want. I do think you should clarify with him where this is headed. After 4-5 dates, you're out of the realm of just beginning to get to know each other and more in the realm of looking to see if there's really something there for each of you. So, ask him what's there, or not there as the case may be, for him. You owe it to yourself to communicate clearly what you want. If he responds negatively to that, then this was never going to pan out anyway. You won't ruin anything by broaching a discussion about what you're looking for. You need to stick up for yourself. By not saying anything, you're being just as noncommittal and wishy-washy as you fear experiencing yet again from another man. Commitment starts with commitment to YOURSELF: your values, what you want, your boundaries, your dreams, your heart. BE what you want to find in a man.

 

You don't need to drop this guy to take that much-needed breath I mention. You just need to find that space within yourself and unhitch yourself, mentally and emotionally, from this almost obsessive-sounding flurry of dating. Breathe, and give yourself some much-needed love. Here are some cute bunnies to start you on this path; treat yourself with the same solicitude you'd bestow if one of these bunnies were in your lap, munching a carrot and twitching its little whiskers. :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

Edited December 26, 2015 by GreenCove

[AspenBaldwin]

I always check twice under the bed for monsters.

[Gaeta]

@ Greencove: Thank you for reading my entire thread and your post. Nothing is missing in my life. I have everything a woman could possibly want, a nice career, a terrific kid, surrounded by loving family, financial stability, I am healthy and attractive. I really want a relationship because I have been single for 11 years now. I want to wake up next to someone and enjoy life with someone. It's long 11 years of doing everything alone and always showing up at events alone. I have been playing the strong woman who can do it all by herself for long enough.