If I have no reasons to check should I still check?

[xxoo]

Fear of failure

Fear of rejection

Fear of being lied to

Fear of being taken for a fool

All of the above.

 

Avoiding the conversation does nothing to alleviate those fears or prevent those outcomes.

 

Face the fear to overcome the fear. Feels SO good.

[Gaeta]

This makes me feel different to my other post in here.

Is he making efforts?

The one thing I recall you always didn't want was to be the one to organise things.

 

Yes he does. So far he's done all the driving, he makes plans, set up dates (and pay), calls me each night.

[Yummm]

Gaeta, go and get what you want, you really have nothing to lose as i'm sure you know.

 

If yes, you can start something great with a guy you're feeling happy with.

 

If no, he's not for you and on to the next.

 

My ex GIRLfriend asked me for exclusivity, I was really surprised and happy because I was unsure of where I stood!

 

Grab the bull by the horns and go for it!

 

Best of luck xox

Edited December 23, 2015 by Yummm

[Gaeta]

I really dont buy into the idea of being passive and waiting for the man to initiate exclusivity talk... What if it never happens after two months? Three months?

 

We women also have to be proactive in protecting our own interests.. There is nothing wrong with talking to your man about being exclusive, if you are at a point where you have to question everything, wondering if he is still seeing others, etc... You should know where the relationship stands, so that you can decide for yourself if you want to invest some more or leave the relationship.

 

Wouldn't it be a shame to have spent so much time and emotion in someone, who invests very little back ? Months or even years...

 

All this is good in theory. In practice, if you put together all the threads on here posted by women about bringning up exclusivity about 80% of them do not have a happy ending.

 

I know it's backward to think that way in 2015 but the facts are the facts, all the happy stories on here are when the men brought up exclusivity.

 

I would not date him 3 months. Each day I grow a new grey hair I don't have that kind of time. Six weeks maximum I would bring it up myself.

[katiegrl]

Gonna go against the crowd here....and ask... why can't you just be cool about it...and enjoy all the good feelings, getting to know each other, great sex, etc. for awhile and let things happen gradually and naturally?

 

It wouldn't hurt to let HIM wonder if YOU are dating others, you know. One month might be too soon to show your hand, so to speak. Let him wonder about it!

 

That was the attitude my work friend took...and after two months HE asked for exclusivity. When HE was ready.

 

I tend to agree with what you posted earlier Gaeta, you can't push a man to be exclusive with you.... I mean he might very well be exclusive with you right now...but often times, when the woman brings it up....before HE is ready to commit to it....he feels pressured, pushed into it, whatevs.

 

However crazy that sounds... it's the truth in many cases.

 

So. I say just relax and have faith and trust in the connection you share....and allow things to move forward naturally and gradually.

 

Let him wonder about you (which is a good thing)...and when he's ready HE will bring it up.

 

Personally knowing you.... I really do think you would feel better if HE brought it up first.

 

Have faith! Things are going well.... sounds like he is super into you!!

 

Again, wish the best of luck with this one.... and keep us posted!

[Gaeta]

Gaeta.... for whatever it's worth, I just had a convo with one of the gals I work with, who just got engaged.

 

She and her fiancé met on Match.com two years ago. They became sexual pretty quickly after they met (they are both in their 30's).

 

They clicked immediately, but she kept her profile active for approx. two months....so did her fiancé.

 

She mentioned NOTHING about their profiles OR exclusivity... she told me frankly she did not care....they were clicking, had tons of chemistry, she KNEW what they had was special, and whatever he was doing while not with her was none of her concern.

 

Talking to her, she had a very nonchalant attitude about it.

 

After approx. two months....HE brought it up and asked her to be exclusive.

 

After two years.... they just engaged two weeks ago!

 

 

I love these stories !! Thank you!

 

It clicks or it doesn't ! I have no control over it.

 

I think I worry for nothing. I mean I know I worry for nothing !

[GR4]

All this is good in theory. In practice, if you put together all the threads on here posted by women about bringning up exclusivity about 80% of them do not have a happy ending.

 

I know it's backward to think that way in 2015 but the facts are the facts, all the happy stories on here are when the men brought up exclusivity.

 

I would not date him 3 months. Each day I grow a new grey hair I don't have that kind of time. Six weeks maximum I would bring it up myself.

 

Then those 80% weren't meant to be. They didn't end because the girl had the talk, they ended because it wasn't working regardless.

 

Think about it. If a guy liked a girl and wanted to be exclusive with her would he run if she brought up the exclusivity talk? No, of course he wouldn't. If he wasn't looking for something serious then maybe he would run in which case it was never meant to be anyway.

[katiegrl]

Then those 80% weren't meant to be. They didn't end because the girl had the talk, they ended because it wasn't working regardless.

 

Think about it. If a guy liked a girl and wanted to be exclusive with her would he run if she brought up the exclusivity talk? No, of course he wouldn't. If he wasn't looking for something serious then maybe he would run in which case it was never meant to be anyway.

 

Well I beg to differ.

 

Many men DO run when the woman brings it up first.

 

And playing devil's advocate.... if a guy liked a girl and wanted to be exclusive with her, why would not HE bring it up then?

 

My ex did.... and so do most other men I know and have dated.

 

Like Gaeta said, in the majority of cases, when a woman brings it up, it does not work out. Not because she brought it up first.... but because of the reason why she brought it up first.

 

Insecurity!

 

That is what ultimately turned things off for him (and why he ran), her fears and insecurity. If she were secure (like my work friend), she'd have faith in their connection and let things develop naturally.

 

Gaeta...relax. Let him wonder about you and again have faith in the connection you share. When he is ready to commit to exclusivity, he will bring it up.

Edited December 23, 2015 by katiegrl

[xxoo]

I don't understand the jump from asking to controlling/forcing.

 

I'd ask because I genuinely want to know the answer. No other reason.

[katiegrl]

I don't understand the jump from asking to controlling/forcing.

 

I'd ask because I genuinely want to know the answer. No other reason.

 

Okay then ask. If you're comfortable asking, and not asking due to any fears or insecurities (that he may be "playing" you or stringing you along), then go for it.

 

Frankly, for me words don't mean jack shyt anyway. When a woman asks.... a man could say he wants exclusivity and agree to it... but trust me if he's not ready or doesn't want it, he's gonna do what he wants to do regardless. That is why IMO it's best to let HIM bring it up.

 

Truth is, people (men and women) will always do what they want, no matter what type of agreement/commitment is made. Their options are always open, regardless of their commitment.

 

Even when married for heaven's sake. Cheating, divorce... again people do what they want to do.

 

It's better to pay attention to his ACTIONS.... and go by that.

 

Sad to say, but people walk away from committed relationships all the time, without batting an eye.

 

Gaeta's guy has been awesome. Consistent in his actions, true to his word, all of it.

 

She feels very safe and secure. His actions make her feel very safe and secure.

To ME, that is what is most important. Actions, not words.

 

But if you xxoo, need to hear the words, then that's okay too.

 

Whatever works for you, is what you (and everyone else) should do.

 

Personally, for me I don't need to hear the words. It's his actions that I pay attention to.... to me that is what is most important.

Edited December 23, 2015 by katiegrl

[MovingOnIsHard]

All this is good in theory. In practice, if you put together all the threads on here posted by women about bringning up exclusivity about 80% of them do not have a happy ending.

 

I know it's backward to think that way in 2015 but the facts are the facts, all the happy stories on here are when the men brought up exclusivity.

 

I would not date him 3 months. Each day I grow a new grey hair I don't have that kind of time. Six weeks maximum I would bring it up myself.

 

If you think about it... You are kind of expecting exclusivity right off the bat by deleting your profile. You might as well just be upfront and say along the lines of "so are we exclusively dating each other?" The longer you wait, the more anxious you become.. Why not get it over with?

 

I seriously think if the man wants to be exclusive with you, or at least sees a potential long term mate in you, he will be reasonable and be honest with you.

 

Dating shouldn't be full of mind games. Only indecisive people get sucked into it.

 

I dated my current bf for 3 weeks before he asked me if i was seeing other guys and in return, i asked him the same question... Both of us became exclusive through mutual consideration. However, before that time, i already decided on dating him only.

 

I truly believe, from my own personal exp, that you wont know where the relationship is heading unless you talk to your partner.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Okay then ask. If you're comfortable asking, and not asking due to any fears or insecurities (that he may be "playing" you or stringing you along), then go for it.

 

Frankly, for me words don't mean jack shyt anyway. When a woman asks.... a man could say he wants exclusivity and agree to it... but trust me if he's not ready or doesn't want it, he's gonna do what he wants to do regardless. That is why IMO it's best to let HIM bring it up.

 

Truth is, people (men and women) will always do what they want, no matter what type of agreement/commitment is made. Their options are always open, regardless of their commitment.

 

Even when married for heaven's sake. Cheating, divorce... again people do what they want to do.

 

It's better to pay attention to his ACTIONS.... and go by that.

 

Sad to say, but people walk away from committed relationships all the time, without batting an eye.

 

Gaeta's guy has been awesome. Consistent in his actions, true to his word, all of it.

 

She feels very safe and secure. His actions make her feel very safe and secure.

To ME, that is what is most important. Actions, not words.

 

But if you xxoo, need to hear the words, then that's okay too.

 

Whatever works for you, is what you (and everyone else) should do.

 

Personally, for me I don't need to hear the words. It's his actions that I pay attention to.... to me that is what is most important.

 

If she does feel "very safe and secure" in her relationship, then why create this thread asking if she should check up on him online even when she 'has no reason to do so"? The words dont match the actions.

 

I think you are fooling yourself if you think you dont feel even mildly insecure with the fact that he has his profile up while u have already deleted yours.

[katiegrl]

If she does feel "very safe and secure" in her relationship, then why create this thread asking if she should check up on him online even when she 'has no reason to do so"? The words dont match the actions.

 

I think you are fooling yourself if you think you dont feel even mildly insecure with the fact that he has his profile up while u have already deleted yours.

 

Good question....and I asked Gaeta that same question (see my very first post on this thread).

 

Just two days ago, she created a thread saying that she did in fact feel very safe and secure with him...and that is how dating is supposed to be!

 

So I am a bit confused too. Except to say what I said in my earlier post -- fear.

 

She had another great date with him last night - spent the night. And maybe she is beginning to fall hard for him which may scare her a bit.... thus causing her to feel a bit anxious about what he's been up to or what he wants long term.

 

That's all I can think of....cause you are right. The words don't match the actions..

 

Apologies Gaeta for talking about you in the third person.

[Redhead14]

All this is good in theory. In practice, if you put together all the threads on here posted by women about bringning up exclusivity about 80% of them do not have a happy ending.

 

I know it's backward to think that way in 2015 but the facts are the facts, all the happy stories on here are when the men brought up exclusivity.

 

I would not date him 3 months. Each day I grow a new grey hair I don't have that kind of time. Six weeks maximum I would bring it up myself.

 

if you put together all the threads on here posted by women about bringning up exclusivity about 80% of them do not have a happy ending. -- and this is not because the woman brought up exclusivity. The guy isn't going to turn and run just because she mentions it. If he runs, it's because he didn't want that. Asking the question doesn't change the answer. Most of that 80% was simply because the couple wasn't on the same page anyway.

 

And, how many stories are on here where the woman just rode it out waiting for the guy to clarify, only to finally realize she was allowing herself to be strung along for months.

 

And, there is probably an equal percentage of men who brought up the exclusivity talk and were turned down.

 

Sure, some of it is a crap shoot, but I don't think it really matters who brings it up. It's something that should be discussed between adults. And, I think the woman should bring it up when she's being intimate with a guy and starts stressing over it. And, usually if she is stressing over it, it's because there's something telling her that this may not be going the way she wants it to. This guy seems to have been doing everything right, yet, you are questioning. Either you are just being insecure and doubting yourself or there is something about him that is making you wonder.

 

Address it. If he asks for some time to think about it, that's ok. Give him a little space and let him get back to you. Don't pin him down on the spot. Just put it out there and sit back.

[Bobbi7]

I wonder why the majority of guys on OLD do this! I've experienced the same damn thing-went on great dates, slept with the guys, for weeks, only to see that the rat bastard still checks his profile. Me on the other hand-when I start seeing a guy I like, I don't even log into my profile/deactivate it and "stop" searching. And it doesn't matter-if there hasn't been an exclusivity talk yet. Yes, indeed it has caused me stress and drove me crazy a few times. I just don't want to deal with OLD! But here's the kicker-if I were to meet a guy the traditional way-like out at a bar/club and if he happens to be over 25 and single I can guarantee you he's on 2 dating sites, and he would still be logging in while were are dating-without meeting on OLD! Its just a ****ed up situation. Like 99% of single people use dating sites now-and we can thank social media for ruining it for us!

[BluEyeL]

Gaeta I think a month is a bit early . Just wait another month and also see how the relationship advances. Then revisit this issue. I'd give it up to three months.

[Gaeta]

So many great advice on both side of the spectrum, thank you for your time, it's greatly appreciated.

 

My mom and I were having baking night together. He knew about it. He still gave me his usual good night call.

 

He said he didn't want to keep me from my mom but wanted to hear my voice before going to sleep and he was sending his best regards to my mother.

 

That stuff really works on me ! and what ever fear I had is now gone.

[No_Go]

I think you shouldn't worry about it.

 

I personally kept my profile like 5 months in my relationship. I never dated or responded to messages, just couldn't delete it because I paid for 6 months (and my BF was the 1st and last guy that I met from this site:D)

His was still on when I deleted mine. I never brought it up though, because I didn't feel the need to. It was logistically impossible to date others considering our dating schedules and his actions showed I had nothing to worry in that respect. I should ask him sometime if he deleted it, but considering that we live together and he never give me a reason to suspect cheating, I don't worry about it.

 

Also even if your guy deletes his profile, you don't know how many other profiles he has elsewhere. All saying - it is normal to be anxious in a new relationship but this particular old thing doesn't mean much

[DoesntGetIt]

I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own.

 

Then the woman should also be fine with it not being exclusive if she couldn't possibly bring herself to be the one to bring up the topic.

 

That is a silly rule.

[Blanco]

I wonder why the majority of guys on OLD do this! I've experienced the same damn thing-went on great dates, slept with the guys, for weeks, only to see that the rat bastard still checks his profile. Me on the other hand-when I start seeing a guy I like, I don't even log into my profile/deactivate it and "stop" searching. And it doesn't matter-if there hasn't been an exclusivity talk yet. Yes, indeed it has caused me stress and drove me crazy a few times. I just don't want to deal with OLD! But here's the kicker-if I were to meet a guy the traditional way-like out at a bar/club and if he happens to be over 25 and single I can guarantee you he's on 2 dating sites, and he would still be logging in while were are dating-without meeting on OLD! Its just a ****ed up situation. Like 99% of single people use dating sites now-and we can thank social media for ruining it for us!

 

Lots of assumptions here. OLD is more prevalent today than it used to be, but plenty of people don't use it. I don't, and I'd say most of my single friends don't, either.

[Gaeta]

Then the woman should also be fine with it not being exclusive if she couldn't possibly bring herself to be the one to bring up the topic.

 

That is a silly rule.

 

It's not that I cannot bring myself to do it.

 

It is that I don't believe in the woman bringing it up and I explained why.

[Snakechammah]

Gaeta, I believe it's going to be just fine! I totally understand the anxiety of being exclusive - I would feel the same way!

 

I use Badoo too (just two weeks then i deleted my profile too) and it's such a fun site!! I'm so glad to see someone else using it - mostly people talk about POF, Match and Okcupid... but Badoo is awesome!

 

Try not to stress about the OLD thing. The invention of OLD, though convenient to singles, is a worrisome contribution to the trend of multi-dating... and people like us, who are traditional in our thinking fears that whoever we meet through this OLD platform would automatically fall into this multi-dating trap.

 

I took my profile down after just 2 dates with someone (second goon I dated off OLD) and until today I have NO CLUE if he's still on there or chatting/dating/f*cking anyone from that site we met.

 

I can't say I don't care (I am anxious!!) but because I prefer not to clutter my brain with unneccessary worry at this point, I choose not to dwell on it. I am not 'exclusive' with the guy yet (and probably won't be by the look of things)... but if you are exclusive, then yes, I believe it is your every right to be anxious and to know the truth (of his intentions of continuing to be in OLD).

 

I hope that he takes his profile down soon so you can start 2016 in a relationship that highly secure, stable and worry-free.

 

I love your posts in here and hope you'll continue to update us. All the best, lovey!

[Rejected Rosebud]

Isn't me taking my pictures down and not logging in an indication I am concentrating on him?

Indicating is not good enough, you have to be straightforward. You already know he has his profile still up - what does this mean to you? Are you trying to give him signals to manipulate the situation? I don't think it will work.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Or, I could tell him a true story. That This morning I got a text from man I met right before him. This man was back in town and looking to grab a drink with me and I said no and told him I was now seeing someone.

I think that is manipulative.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

She feels very safe and secure. His actions make her feel very safe and secure.

That is absolutely not true. If it were true this thread would not exist, it's completely clear that she is anxious and needs something that she is not getting.

 

To ME, that is what is most important. Actions, not words.

 

But if you xxoo, need to hear the words, then that's okay too.

 

Whatever works for you, is what you (and everyone else) should do.

 

Personally, for me I don't need to hear the words. It's his actions that I pay attention to.... to me that is what is most important.

OK. It's an "action" to leave your dating profile up. And the OP is talking about checking in on it. That is what we are trying to help her with. She has EXPRESSED her concerns here, obviously she is not going to be okay with just going along with the "good feelings" like you are suggesting. Something within her is not comfortable with that and I wouldn't be either.

 

Not to say he's doing anything wrong, but if I was getting involved with somebody and investing and not sure that he was on the same page I would be uncomfortable myself. I'd want to be sure.