dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Total land of confusion here. You're right it's about my fears and my collection of shytty disappointments and I am usually disappointed after 5ish dates. He did nothing wrong he is his usual sweet self. I went online *rolling eyes*. He logged on 20 hours ago. It's nothing to stress about yet. I am having lunch with a male friend and he told me the same. To forget about the profile - to concentrate on the positive - and to not self sabotage. Is the site you're on like Match, where if he opens an email sent to him it automatically shows him as logged in to the site? That annoys me. I can open a Match email in my gmail account, and it shows me as ONLINE NOW! on Match. Ugh. That's not the same as logging in and checking and looking around, at all. It's simply opening emails. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Actually no I don't feel bad about him being online 20 some hours ago. If he were online all the time then it would be different. Also, the fact he is 100% focused on me helps not giving his presence online any signification. Fabulous!!!! Keep that thoughtt! :bunny: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Well you're still dating, you're not even exclusive nor close to it. Even if he's still keeping his options open, there's nothing wrong with that. On a side note, if your gut tells you he's still dating, then he's probably still dating. Guts are never wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 If you're have sexual relations with him it's completely reasonable to feel desirous of clear communication on your relations. If you feel that way, it's your style of interacting. His style is his style. If they're compatible, then something more than dating and having sex can occur in a healthy way. IMO, I wouldn't check his dating profile anymore. Deal with the man in front of you. Be clear and sincere and true to your style of relationships and things will go where they go. Before we were intimate we had a talk about it. Actually he's the one who brought it up. He asked me what I needed to be intimate with a man. I answered I needed physical attraction. He said he needed physical and emotional attraction. If I trust his words then I'm probably in good hands but I've heard sooo many things ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Is the site you're on like Match, where if he opens an email sent to him it automatically shows him as logged in to the site? That annoys me. I can open a Match email in my gmail account, and it shows me as ONLINE NOW! on Match. Ugh. That's not the same as logging in and checking and looking around, at all. It's simply opening emails. This badoo is sending us a notification that we have a message waiting but you need to log on to get your message. Just getting your notification does not show you online. Also I had taken my pictures down and I just discovered in this site if you don't have pictures up you cannot take your messages and cannot see when your prospects were last online. I had to put up 2 pictures for the site to let me see when he was last online. I also had a bunch of new messages waiting and I did not touch any of them. I am smart or I am a fool, not sure which one. Link to post Share on other sites
dobielover Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 On a side note, if your gut tells you he's still dating, then he's probably still dating. Guts are never wrong. I have to agree with this. We should all trust our instinct more. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Before we were intimate we had a talk about it. Actually he's the one who brought it up. He asked me what I needed to be intimate with a man. I answered I needed physical attraction. He said he needed physical and emotional attraction. If I trust his words then I'm probably in good hands but I've heard sooo many things ... Water under the bridge but those times are perfect ones to make your perspective clear. If you choose to have intimacy and sex with a man who is exclusive with you, then that's your choice. If you are fine with him dating and mating with other women, that's also a choice. The choice comes first, then communication of the choice. Men are not mind-readers. Nor do our minds function in an identical manner to any woman we might date or mate with so we don't automatically know or presume what they're thinking. This man could be exclusive with you and not even realize he needs to talk about it. It's not on his mind. He could be dating other women, sure. Anything is possible. Apparently, it's on your mind. Heh. Back to the choices thing. The dating site will be there should you ever need it again. For now, focus on the person in front of you. Expect that you will experience moments of indecision and concern throughout relationships. It's part of life. Something to work through, hopefully as a team. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I also had a bunch of new messages waiting and I did not touch any of them. I am smart or I am a fool, not sure which one. Neither. You just aren't interested in new messages, because you are interested in this man. That's normal. Why not just have a normal conversation about that? Say, "You know, I logged back on Badoo for the first time in a while and realized I'm not even interested in messages from other men because I'd rather talk to you I was wondering if you feel the same." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 Or, I could tell him a true story. That This morning I got a text from man I met right before him. This man was back in town and looking to grab a drink with me and I said no and told him I was now seeing someone. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Or, I could tell him a true story. That This morning I got a text from man I met right before him. This man was back in town and looking to grab a drink with me and I said no and told him I was now seeing someone. And his response might be "that's nice." Or something akin to that. IMO you need to be more direct: "I said no because I was seeing someone and not interested in seeing anyone else. How do YOU feel?" Something like that. That is what would do anyway.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Actually no I don't feel bad about him being online 20 some hours ago. If he were online all the time then it would be different. That's the whole point. Don't check his online status anymore. If he had been on 2 hours ago instead of 20 hours ago you would have probably freaked out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Haven't read all of this, but I called one of mine out on it after nearly 3 months. But we hadn't slept together yet. We were exclusive and plans to meet the parents. I said to his face, I see you are still active on a dating site, cancel that or it's a deal breaker. He cancelled it. One month is a bit premature. Maybe hold off on the intimacy until you are exclusive in future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 One month is a bit premature. Maybe hold off on the intimacy until you are exclusive in future? I am not concerned about having had sex with him. I am 50 yo, I lost my virtue (and anything along the line) a long time ago Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Be direct. Ask him. If he was online 20 hours ago then he is not keeping up with chatter - unless they are talking on the phone of course. It's a month in Gaeta. You are intimate. If this were a work deal you would be after an answer. You seem to really like this guy and at our kind of age just darn well say it!! If you scare him off by saying something at this point then he isn't the guy for you. Before you say it watch all 3 series of Lie to Me with Tim Roth on Netflix - micro expressions tell you so much... xx Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I don't believe the woman should bring up the exclusivity talk. The chaser needs to put down his bow and arrow on his own. The chaser? That's a terrible attitude to have. If he is still online maybe it's because he's having to chase and therefore not feeling very wanted... If you don't believe that a woman belongs in the kitchen then you shouldn't believe it's the mans job to put all the effort in. If you do then that's a huge double standard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 The chaser? That's a terrible attitude to have. If he is still online maybe it's because he's having to chase and therefore not feeling very wanted... If you don't believe that a woman belongs in the kitchen then you shouldn't believe it's the mans job to put all the effort in. If you do then that's a huge double standard. Well well well, aren't we full of assumptions. Where did you read he's doing all the chasing? all the efforts? and where did you read he has reasons to not feel wanted? I set up dates (and I pay), I invited him to my home, I cooked and baked for him, I kept him over night and had crazy sex with him, I complimented him, I called him on regular basis. You wouldn't feel wanted? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GR4 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Well well well, aren't we full of assumptions. Where did you read he's doing all the chasing? all the efforts? and where did you read he has reasons to not feel wanted? I set up dates (and I pay), I invited him to my home, I cooked and baked for him, I kept him over night and had crazy sex with him, I complimented him, I called him on regular basis. You wouldn't feel wanted? So why refer to him as "the chaser" then? If you want to be exclusive with him, tell him for ****s sake! We're not mind readers you know. Stop being so entitled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 So why refer to him as "the chaser" then? If you want to be exclusive with him, tell him for ****s sake! We're not mind readers you know. Stop being so entitled. We (women) cannot lock a man down. It doesn't work that way. A man chase by nature and a woman nest by nature (don't want to hear about the 10% who don't). For a man to settle down it has to come from him, not from a demand or an ultimatum. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Or, I could tell him a true story. That This morning I got a text from man I met right before him. This man was back in town and looking to grab a drink with me and I said no and told him I was now seeing someone. Ok, but you also have to ask if he feels the same way. If he would turn down a date because he is seeing someone exclusively now. I don't understand why you stand on tradition with "who brings up exclusivity" but not with everything else. It doesn't chase away an man interested in exclusivity, esp after a month of dating. It will chase away men not interested in exclusivity, but that's what you want to know. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I don't understand why you stand on tradition with "who brings up exclusivity" but not with everything else. Fear of failure Fear of rejection Fear of being lied to Fear of being taken for a fool All of the above. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I set up dates (and I pay), I invited him to my home, I cooked and baked for him, I kept him over night and had crazy sex with him, I complimented him, I called him on regular basis. You wouldn't feel wanted? This makes me feel different to my other post in here. Is he making efforts? The one thing I recall you always didn't want was to be the one to organise things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Fear of failure Fear of rejection Fear of being lied to Fear of being taken for a fool All of the above. I TOTALLY understand those fears, which is why I just could not get those words to come out of my mouth when my ex and I were at that point. I was so afraid he'd back away and I just couldn't deal with that notion and I never said anything. When he ended it, it was clear that he was never THAT into it. Saying something at month two or three (when I got to that point) could have saved me some heartache. I'm not saying you're in the same situation Gaeta, but any which way you slice it there's risk involved. Risk in knowing and risk in not knowing. If I had it to do over again, I'd want to know, even it meant ending what felt like a good thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MovingOnIsHard Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I really dont buy into the idea of being passive and waiting for the man to initiate exclusivity talk... What if it never happens after two months? Three months? We women also have to be proactive in protecting our own interests.. There is nothing wrong with talking to your man about being exclusive, if you are at a point where you have to question everything, wondering if he is still seeing others, etc... You should know where the relationship stands, so that you can decide for yourself if you want to invest some more or leave the relationship. Wouldn't it be a shame to have spent so much time and emotion in someone, who invests very little back ? Months or even years... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Gaeta.... for whatever it's worth, I just had a convo with one of the gals I work with, who just got engaged. She and her fiancé met on Match.com two years ago. They became sexual pretty quickly after they met (they are both in their 30's). They clicked immediately, but she kept her profile active for approx. two months....so did her fiancé. She mentioned NOTHING about their profiles OR exclusivity... she told me frankly she did not care....they were clicking, had tons of chemistry, she KNEW what they had was special, and whatever he was doing while not with her was none of her concern. Talking to her, she had a very nonchalant attitude about it. After approx. two months....HE brought it up and asked her to be exclusive. After two years.... they just engaged two weeks ago! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I am not concerned about having had sex with him. I am 50 yo, I lost my virtue (and anything along the line) a long time ago That isnt what I meant. You weed out the ones who are just looking for sex if you dont give it up so soon. (If only I could take my own advice sometimes). Link to post Share on other sites
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