If I have no reasons to check should I still check?

[GR4]

Well I beg to differ.

 

Many men DO run when the woman brings it up first.

 

And playing devil's advocate.... if a guy liked a girl and wanted to be exclusive with her, why would not HE bring it up then?

 

My ex did.... and so do most other men I know and have dated.

 

Like Gaeta said, in the majority of cases, when a woman brings it up, it does not work out. Not because she brought it up first.... but because of the reason why she brought it up first.

 

Insecurity!

 

That is what ultimately turned things off for him (and why he ran), her fears and insecurity. If she were secure (like my work friend), she'd have faith in their connection and let things develop naturally.

 

Gaeta...relax. Let him wonder about you and again have faith in the connection you share. When he is ready to commit to exclusivity, he will bring it up.

 

I don't buy that one little bit. Why is it insecure for a woman to have the talk but not the man?

 

No one runs away from something they want. Simple. As. That.

[katiegrl]

That is absolutely not true. If it were true this thread would not exist, it's completely clear that she is anxious and needs something that she is not getting.

 

OK. It's an "action" to leave your dating profile up. And the OP is talking about checking in on it. That is what we are trying to help her with. She has EXPRESSED her concerns here, obviously she is not going to be okay with just going along with the "good feelings" like you are suggesting. Something within her is not comfortable with that and I wouldn't be either.

 

Not to say he's doing anything wrong, but if I was getting involved with somebody and investing and not sure that he was on the same page I would be uncomfortable myself. I'd want to be sure.

 

I agree Gaeta does not feel secure, which is why I later said I was confused, given her thread three days ago...stating she DID feel safe and secure.

 

Not sure I agree leaving a profile up is an action. Skulking around, emailing and/or pursuing chicks is an action, but she has no idea if that is what he is doing, and neither do we.

 

Yeah, sure she could ask, but given his actions in all other respects (consistency, calling every night, initiating dates, etc).... IMO I do not think it is necessary or wise at this point in time... as it indicates insecurity and distrust, especially at this early stage ....which is not a good message to send to a man we have only been dating a month.

 

Continue dating and getting to know each other, watch his actions, stay positive, be happy, keep it light, follow his lead ...let him wonder about you.

 

Keep him moving toward you, not away from you.

 

Too soon for the exclusivity talk IMO, if you and others don't agree, that is okay, we can just agree to disagree!

[xxoo]

Yeah, sure she could ask, but given his actions in all other respects (consistency, calling every night, initiating dates, etc).... IMO I do not think it is necessary or wise at this point in time... as it indicates insecurity and distrust, especially at this early stage ....which is not a good message to send to a man we have only been dating a month.

 

It indicates neither insecurity nor distrust.

 

It shows confidence and intention. It shows much more trust to bring up a topic openly than to check online profile activity and dropping hints through stories.

[StBreton]

I've been lurking on this thread too long...just have to speak up.

 

Having been in 7 long term relationships (inclusive of long term marriage) I didn't bring up the "exclusive" talk with any of the guys. Not one brought it up with me but they intimated that they were exclusive with me and I did as well...with words and actions...but no asking (except the engagements:)). Things worked out fine.

 

What was a common theme is that we enjoyed the relationship...we didn't stress about the outside world...we just wanted to be together. It was obvious to me that the guys I dated chose to be with just me. I know what that feels like. If I'm wrong going forward dating now...so be it...I might get hurt. Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. In the end...I still have me.

 

Takeaway...I totally agree with Katiegrl...just enjoy your time together Gaeta. Things will work out or they won't. Your guy will either let you know how he feels about the relationship or he won't...I'd let go of the OLD profile thing for now...pretend you met at a local coffee shop/put where you met out of your mind. At some point (and it may have already happened) he'll only have eyes for you and everything will fall into place...if he feels you are the one. Guys know these things pretty early on. Your guy is doing all the right things. Early relationships can be fraught with anxiety and insecurity if history of relationship failures are front and center. Please set that all aside Gaeta...this could be the love affair you've been waiting for all this time. Hugs:)

Edited December 24, 2015 by StBreton

[katiegrl]

It indicates neither insecurity nor distrust.

 

It shows confidence and intention. It shows much more trust to bring up a topic openly than to check online profile activity and dropping hints through stories.

 

Like I said, we can agree to disagree with.. I am cool with that.

 

BTW, I don't disagree with the exclusivity talk...I just think it is too soon, and if she had not snooped and seen his profile, this would not even be an issue.

[katiegrl]

I've been lurking on this thread too long...just have to speak up.

 

Having been in 7 long term relationships (inclusive of long term marriage) I didn't bring up the "exclusive" talk with any of the guys. Not one brought it up with me but they intimated that they were exclusive with me and I did as well...with words and actions...but no asking (except the engagements:)). Things worked out fine.

 

What was a common theme is that we enjoyed the relationship...we didn't stress about the outside world...we just wanted to be together. It was obvious to me that the guys I dated chose to be with just me. I know what that feels like. If I'm wrong going forward dating now...so be it...I might get hurt. Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. In the end...I still have me.

 

Takeaway...I totally agree with Katiegrl...just enjoy your time together Gaeta. Things will work out or they won't. Your guy will either let you know how he feels about the relationship or he won't...I'd let go of the OLD profile thing for now...pretend you met at a local coffee shop/put where you met out of your mind. At some point (and it may have already happened) he'll only have eyes for you and everything will fall into place...if he feels you are the one. Guys know these things pretty early on. Your guy is doing all the right things. Early relationships can be fraught with anxiety and insecurity if history of relationship failures are front and center. Please set that all aside Gaeta...this could be the love affair you've been waiting for all this time. Hugs:)

 

Kindred spirits!

[StBreton]

Gaeta...remember, he's lucky to be dating you:)

[katiegrl]

It indicates neither insecurity nor distrust.

 

It shows confidence and intention. It shows much more trust to bring up a topic openly than to check online profile activity and dropping hints through stories.

 

Well let's get real here for a sec.

 

If Gaeta had not seen his profile, she would *not* be feeling insecure ... and therefore would not even be questioning whether or not she should ask.

 

She would be feeling confident, safe and secure (due to his consistent actions) ....just like she was feeling three days ago....and not at all concerned whether or not he is dating others.

 

She would have faith and trust in their connection, and the way things are proceeding and would allow their relationship to grow gradually and naturally, with no *push* from her seeking reassurance or clarification that they are *on the same page*.

 

So the way I see it, the *only* reason she would be needing to clarify this is precisely because she feels insecure and anxious and wants to alleviate her anxiety by seeking reassurance that he is dating only her.

 

I could understand if his actions were inconsistent and shady ....but that is not what is happening here! He is doing everything right, showing how much he cares...and again if she had not seen his profile, this would not even be an issue.

 

In any event, this is all pretty much moot anyway, given Gaeta's recent post saying that, once again, he continues to be consistent, he called her last night while she was with her mom ...and she is not concerned about his perceived *on line activity* anymore ....so all is good!

 

Good luck Gaeta and keep us posted!!

Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well let's get real here for a sec.

 

If Gaeta had not seen his profile, she would *not* be feeling insecure ... and therefore would not even be questioning whether or not she should ask.

I'm gonna get real here for a sec:

 

If she was going to be OK with whatever, she would NOT have looked at his profile in the first place and certainly wouldn't have been concerned enough to post about it here.

 

It would have not been a thing to her at all.

 

So the way I see it, the *only* reason she would be needing to clarify this is precisely because she feels insecure and anxious and wants to alleviate her anxiety by seeking reassurance that he is dating only her.

So - you are acknowledging that she is NEEDING to clarify, and that she feels insecure and anxious - yet you are advising her to just PRETEND that it's all okay and that she is not having these feelings?

 

That is called denial. It's no way to start out a relationship.

 

They're not just lightly dating and enjoying each other's company. She's invested now and she needs to take care of herself.

[xxoo]

Well let's get real here for a sec.

 

If Gaeta had not seen his profile, she would *not* be feeling insecure ... and therefore would not even be questioning whether or not she should ask.

 

She would be feeling confident, safe and secure (due to his consistent actions) ....just like she was feeling three days ago....and not at all concerned whether or not he is dating others.

 

Why did she check if she was feeling confident?

[MovingOnIsHard]

I'm gonna get real here for a sec:

 

If she was going to be OK with whatever, she would NOT have looked at his profile in the first place and certainly wouldn't have been concerned enough to post about it here.

 

It would have not been a thing to her at all.

 

So - you are acknowledging that she is NEEDING to clarify, and that she feels insecure and anxious - yet you are advising her to just PRETEND that it's all okay and that she is not having these feelings?

 

That is called denial. It's no way to start out a relationship.

 

They're not just lightly dating and enjoying each other's company. She's invested now and she needs to take care of herself.

 

Very good point.

 

During the early stages of seeing my current bf, i no desire to check on his online profile, not since out first date. I understood and was satisfied that we were just starting to date each other and not exclusive. So I was completely aware of the chance that he was seeing someone else, which i was ok with!

 

Things between us progressed positively, everything seemed normal, it never occured to me to even go back to the dating site i met him in.. Until 5 months into exclusivity when i decided i had to delete my profile, as I had been so annoyed by all the newsletter emails ive been getting.

 

When i logged in for the first time, his profile pic was empty, and it seemed like he might have put his profile into "private". I just casually mentioned to him that i was deleting my profile and asked about his profile... He had been receiving messages but ignoring them.. Anyways both of us deleted our profiles and that was the end of that.

 

I should also add, my previous relationship was riddled with insecurity--his actions just reeked of infidelity. I had caught my ex making multiple profiles on a dating site and called him out on it... despite promising not to do so, he kept doing it and i couldnt take it anymore and broke it off. That relationship was a stark contrast to my current one.

[katiegrl]

Why did she check if she was feeling confident?

 

Fear. Due to her past experiences with OLD.

 

Did you read her earlier thread "This Is The Way Dating is Supposed To Be." She felt completely safe and secure.

 

Three days ago!

 

I was going by that.

 

Not sure what happened, but all I can think of was she got scared as she is starting to feel very attached now. She agreed.

 

Uncertainty in these early stages is normal! Seeking reassurance every time we feel a pang of insecurity is an attraction killer. Especially at this early stage!

 

Obviously, she got past it ...given her recent post.

 

All normal stuff.

 

No need to be seeking reassurance at this early stage. Would serve no positive purpose IMO.

 

Things are progressing really well, why change up what is obviously working?

 

He is continuing to move toward her....which is perfect.

 

This is how I have always behaved, and all my relationships ended up going long term, two engagements, which I ended..

 

It is how my work friend behaved and she just got engaged! (See previous post).

 

Keep it going Gaeta ....it's all good!

Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Rejected Rosebud]

No need to be seeking reassurance at this early stage. Would serve no positive purpose IMO.

 

Things are progressing really well, why change up what is obviously working?

At what stage in a sexual relationship where one person has their dating profile active would you recommend a talk about that? :confused: A few more months, a year, after they move in together, meet the families or when?

 

The normal progression of a relationship is naturally going to be affected by the glaring fact of the active dating profile. Why pretend that's not there? I wouldn't that is for sure! Especially if it was bothering me so much that I'd start a thread about it..

 

This is how I have always behaved, and all my relationships ended up going long term, two engagements, which I ended..

I am not sure that is a great endorsement. Maybe clarifying things at an earlier stage would have been a good thing. In any case I know from reading the OP's threads that she is not interested in any long term relationships that are destined to be ended. Better to nip it in the bud if necessary.

[katiegrl]

At what stage in a sexual relationship where one person has their dating profile active would you recommend a talk about that? :confused: A few more months, a year, after they move in together, meet the families or when?

 

The normal progression of a relationship is naturally going to be affected by the glaring fact of the active dating profile. Why pretend that's not there? I wouldn't that is for sure! Especially if it was bothering me so much that I'd start a thread about it..

 

I am not sure that is a great endorsement. Maybe clarifying things at an earlier stage would have been a good thing. In any case I know from reading the OP's threads that she is not interested in any long term relationships that are destined to be ended. Better to nip it in the bud if necessary.

 

Well they did not end because we never had the *exclusivity talk* ..I can tell you that.

 

My recent engagement ended because I recently discovered he is a drug addict ...so let's hope that does not happen to Gaeta, or anyone else! See my thread in the breaking up section.

 

Before him, after four years, we grew apart, we were very young.

 

But you know what? In a way, I see your point. I would not like it if I saw an active profile either, it does sort of change things, so you are right.

 

I think it does warrant addressing....and not pretend it's not there.

 

If she had not seen it and had not checked, my previous opinion and advice stands.

 

But now that she has opened that can of worms by checking ....I know if it were me, I would say something.

 

So after all this RR, I agree with you!

 

It's there, it is reality, address it, move past it. Hopefully!

Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[dobielover]

I can completely relate to Gaeta's feelings of fear, but I also can see, in my current new "relationship" (I am putting it in quotes because it's not defined), that despite my incessant checking of his profile, and despite the fact he's still logging in, he's also slowly but surely also moving closer to me, step by step. And the more time we spend together, the more I get to know him, the more it all makes sense the pace he's setting, and the more secure I feel, the less I feel compelled to look. I wish I didn't meet him through OLD, that he didn't have a profile, that I'd have to wonder the old fashioned way what he was up to in the "options" department.

 

Lean back, Gaeta. Let him lead. Do not bring up the talk, do not bring up the profile. Enjoy what you're experiencing with him right now, for what it is. Let it evolve and grow naturally.

[insert_name]

8 pages of over thinking. Classic LS

[Gaeta]

I go back and forth about bringing exclusivity up constantly. I don't want to bring it up now but I don't want either to ignore it for 2-3 months. I cannot imagine celebrating Valentine's day with a man that still has an active profile.

[Winterina]

Have you ever thought that he too logged in just to check your profile and if you took it off?

As I understand, you logged in and he was there 21 hrs ago. He probably saw your profile then. You took off your profile.

Next time you logged in he was there 20 hrs ago. Perhaps he was just looking for you and saw that you no longer exist...

Maybe he will log in again just to see if you REALLY are no longer active on that site...

Give it a bit of time. He might have not surfed anyone else's profiles or looked for anything else but you.

 

Merry Christmas to you and everyone here on LS.

[Gaeta]

He is from Paris, France and has been established here in Montreal for 9 months. I am also French but a lot of our French culture here has been influenced by the American and Canadian way of thinking.

 

I have read several articles now that the concept of 'exclusivity talk' in France does not exist. The woman has all the power when it comes to dating. She decides if she wants the man or not. If you kiss (on the lips) you are pretty much indicating you are interested in a relationship with him. There is no multi-dating and no concept of 1st, 2nd, 3rd date.

 

Eh! I can't use all my dating experience on him! lol

 

I remember a conversation him and I had yesterday where he said he finds French Canadian women difficult to read because we don't express clearly what we want to the man. How ironic !

[GemmaUK]

I remember a conversation him and I had yesterday where he said he finds French Canadian women difficult to read because we don't express clearly what we want to the man. How ironic !

 

Sounds like he isn't one who assumes and is finding you hard to read.

Have you even said anything like 'I really quite like you' or anything similar yet?

Often it takes something like that just a couple of times to let a guy know for sure you are interested.

After all, and as you have expressed yourself you are not one to hold back on intimacy so intimacy is not necessarily a strong sign of interest.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like he isn't one who assumes and is finding you hard to read.

Have you even said anything like 'I really quite like you' or anything similar yet?

Often it takes something like that just a couple of times to let a guy know for sure you are interested.

After all, and as you have expressed yourself you are not one to hold back on intimacy so intimacy is not necessarily a strong sign of interest.

 

I could be more verbal that's for sure. I told him a few times I like the time we spend together and I am looking forward to seeing him but nothing that resemble what he tells me. In French we have no words for 'I like you'.

[brokengirl85]

Gaeta, just relax. He could have been checking on you as well when he went online.

[losangelena]

I don't know if you need to make it some big discussion, though. I don't think you need to sit him down and ask, "are we exclusive?," but I think it would be impactful enough for you to simply state the extent of your interest up until this point. Like, "I'm enjoying our time together and have taken down my profile because I'm not interested in meeting other men," something along those lines.

 

Those are two different things in my mind. One implies pressure, the other one is quite attractive/inviting if he feels similarly.

 

You've got a good head on your shoulders, Gaeta. Be careful not to let past bad experiences cloud your thinking.

[katiegrl]

I could be more verbal that's for sure. I told him a few times I like the time we spend together and I am looking forward to seeing him but nothing that resemble what he tells me. In French we have no words for 'I like you'.

 

So say it in English....

 

Does he speak English?

 

Or do you only speak French with each other?

 

Anyway, given your post about French guys waiting for the woman to express herself about what she wants ....I think you should!

 

And Merry Christmas!

[Gaeta]

The cultural differences are starting to pop out.

 

He was telling me how easier it is to approach people in general in his country and inviting a woman for a coffee does not equate you're interested in a relationship with her but are simply looking to widen your network of friends and acquaintances.

 

I said to him that here, if you are in a relationship and you go out and invite a stranger woman for a coffee, when you get back home you will be crucified - you understand that?

 

He said yes he is learning inter-personal relationships and romantic relationships are manged differently here. Then he said he's lucky I seem to be more French than American in my way of thinking and it's been easier to connect with me.