Dating a man-boy

[oldshirt]

Does it really matter who thinks he is immature or not? All that really matters is that you are clearly not right for each other.

 

This is really my answer to your question as well.

 

He may not be a bad guy and he may not be as bad with money as a lot of people out there, but he is clearly not what you think a responsible man should be.

 

He may not be a bad guy and he may not be hurting anyone, but that doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.

 

I think the real red flags here are that you two have different values systems and beliefs about finances and personal responsibility. You are just incompatible.

 

You don't need a nuts and bolts reason that everyone agrees on to end a relationship. Simply not being "the one" is good enough.

[Versacehottie]

IMHO for the most part it does not sound like he is not unreasonably immature or irresponsible. I think he's just not what you are looking for.

 

I think you want someone that's more ambitious and has more similar values and priorities to yourself.

 

I think his carefree and fun and friend oriented attitude is causing you to lose respect as a man for him.

 

This is actually a critical thing. A woman can't desire and treat a man she doesn't respect well. In time your disrespect for him will grow to toxic levels and you will become hypercritical of him and will lose desire and attraction for him.

 

My opinion is if you really don't think he is mature enough and forward thinking enough and ambitious enough, you should seriously considering ending this gracefully now rather than waiting for things to really turn bad and split up with drama and hurt feelings and bad blood.

 

IN TIME??????? By my analysis (sorry no go), she is already disappointed in him and the resentment is at critical levels. But yes very astute comments, oldshirt.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks! Lo loans and being fired are bright red flags from what you described

 

Don't know details about getting fired, but 3or 4 out of 5 are terminations. Loans - he stopped paying a couple of years ago, plans to start again but... It is mind boggling! We have similar expenses and salaries, I safe easily a couple of thousand per month, and he somehow can't afford covering his remaining 10K or so, which for me would be 5 months without any effort in my calculation.... Makes me think I'm missing something in the picture.

 

What is your honest opinion for maturity with the identified red flags?

 

Hmmmm, first with the loans. I know younger guys do that. They truthfully are struggling to make ends meet and have riskier behavior than most women I know so they kinda say fu*k it about the loans and then start fixing it---usually when they want to get serious about a girl or move in with her to be honest. They don't ride it out as long as they can with a (high-paying, I assume) engineering job.

 

Secondly, I don't even know if it's a question of maturity but more one of character. Both with an ivy-league background and the chosen field of engineering, it's weird that he's been fired 3-4 times. I barely know anyone who has been fired. None of the ivy league people I know have ever been fired. Ever. None of the engineering guys I know have been fired.

 

I think you like to hope it's about maturity because you see him as a guy with potential thus he will grow out of it. I think if he has been doing this for he 8 years past 30, he may just have character issues: with responsibility and authority (although your personal experience with him as your bf doesn't seem to indicate the authority problem). What's weird is neither of those things go with choosing the line of work he does either. Most engineers are so responsible and reliable that there are jokes about it.

 

Maybe in specialty field you are mentioning, such as if he is a recording engineer in the music business well you might as well be dealing with a musician on some levels there--or at least a creative person in terms of occupation and their responsibility levels would be more like that.

 

I think two things: he hides his "failures", ie low credit score and possible future work problems even firings from you. I just don't ever see you being able to respect him-----unless, and it's a big one, you lay it all on the line right now telling him you have huge concerns and not sure you want to invest any more into the relationship as it will be wasted effort since your values are so far apart in spite of him being a good guy, you are worried it just may not be enough to bank your future on.

 

He can earn your respect if he immediately starts working on those things (obviously since he is not currently unemployed basically fixing his credit and paying off his loans). You shouldn't nag him; you should see if he can do it. This is what your future would be. I think he might be able to do it since you overheard him asking his friend about fixing credit score or soemthing like that. He obviously has done the first step where he sees it himself as an issue. You should feel lucky you overheard that--it gives you insight into that he at least marginally wants to fix that AND that he won't directly come to you with problems of this nature--yet. He's embarrassed or feels belittled about the subject matter. Knowledge is power.

[No_Go]

Well, on the other side, he's also perfectly aware for our differences, but you didn't blame him for stringing me along;)?

 

I'm giving a limited timeline in any case, for the sake of fairness and mental stability.

 

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

 

You want a man, BUT from much of what you have written here, You Do Not Want This Man. Please let him go.

 

The only way you will find Mr. Right For You is to make the space in your life for your Mr. Right by letting this guy go.

 

He is Not Your Mr. Right, he is your Mr. Right Now. That means that you are not, and will not be content with him, proud of him and have respect for him as a man.

 

It is Not Fair to him for you to keep stringing this out. You know now.

[SwordofFlame]

Well, on the other side, he's also perfectly aware for our differences, but you didn't blame him for stringing me along;)?

 

I'm giving a limited timeline in any case, for the sake of fairness and mental stability.

Are the differences a deal-breaker to him as they seemingly are to you?

[No_Go]

To be fair, he mentioned after we've met that now that he's "stable" he will try to work on his credit and loans, this was months ago though, so I assumed he has just forgotten ... I HOPE I'm wrong ... I honestly got pissy and started this thread after he bought an uber expensive gym membership (which he was talking about from months, but I thought he gave up on in an attempt to save/pay loans).

 

His job is nothing creative, he's doing optimization of resourses in governmental institutions, and he's really not a creative type by heart... So it is not that. His lay offs I think are related to psychological issues that he had (I briefly described some in my post to Winterina), which he treated basically a decade or more. I assume his therapy worked well, looking at his current behavior, but I'm worried deep inside because we're talking brain chemistry here... Firings could be because of lack of responsibility, but I think the root is in the above.

 

But all in all, I think your advice for an open talk, letting him know what I'm worried about without any sugar coating and seeing his reaction is the only option to salvage our relationship. I see it naturally coming on a long road trip that we've planned over the holidays...if he avoids the conversation or confronts me... I'd call it a day. If he expresses a desire to take action ... We'll reevaluate depending on the action.

 

though

Hmmmm, first with the loans. I know younger guys do that. They truthfully are struggling to make ends meet and have riskier behavior than most women I know so they kinda say fu*k it about the loans and then start fixing it---usually when they want to get serious about a girl or move in with her to be honest. They don't ride it out as long as they can with a (high-paying, I assume) engineering job.

 

Secondly, I don't even know if it's a question of maturity but more one of character. Both with an ivy-league background and the chosen field of engineering, it's weird that he's been fired 3-4 times. I barely know anyone who has been fired. None of the ivy league people I know have ever been fired. Ever. None of the engineering guys I know have been fired.

 

I think you like to hope it's about maturity because you see him as a guy with potential thus he will grow out of it. I think if he has been doing this for he 8 years past 30, he may just have character issues: with responsibility and authority (although your personal experience with him as your bf doesn't seem to indicate the authority problem). What's weird is neither of those things go with choosing the line of work he does either. Most engineers are so responsible and reliable that there are jokes about it.

 

Maybe in specialty field you are mentioning, such as if he is a recording engineer in the music business well you might as well be dealing with a musician on some levels there--or at least a creative person in terms of occupation and their responsibility levels would be more like that.

 

I think two things: he hides his "failures", ie low credit score and possible future work problems even firings from you. I just don't ever see you being able to respect him-----unless, and it's a big one, you lay it all on the line right now telling him you have huge concerns and not sure you want to invest any more into the relationship as it will be wasted effort since your values are so far apart in spite of him being a good guy, you are worried it just may not be enough to bank your future on.

 

He can earn your respect if he immediately starts working on those things (obviously since he is not currently unemployed basically fixing his credit and paying off his loans). You shouldn't nag him; you should see if he can do it. This is what your future would be. I think he might be able to do it since you overheard him asking his friend about fixing credit score or soemthing like that. He obviously has done the first step where he sees it himself as an issue. You should feel lucky you overheard that--it gives you insight into that he at least marginally wants to fix that AND that he won't directly come to you with problems of this nature--yet. He's embarrassed or feels belittled about the subject matter. Knowledge is power.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's a good idea to talk to him about this but, at the end of the day, I think the two of you are just too far apart on too many key issues. This is not likely to be fixed.

[No_Go]

Agreed, but it's just not in my nature to give up without exhausting the options.

We also share a lease, but I'm not worried too much about it because we're compatible/respectful as roommates and there are 2 bedrooms in the house..

 

I think it's a good idea to talk to him about this but, at the end of the day, I think the two of you are just too far apart on too many key issues. This is not likely to be fixed.

[Blanco]

Agreed, but it's just not in my nature to give up without exhausting the options.

 

But I don't think that's really fair to him. There are some red flags for sure, but on the whole, he sounds like he's got a lot going for him; certainly enough that would make him desirable to a lot of women who wouldn't feel like he'll be good enough if he changes some things.

 

I was with a girl for three years. I helped her raise her children for half of that time. We lived together. I always paid my share of the bills, something the father of her children was unable to do basically the entire time they were together. I was dependable, something the father of her children usually wasn't. I treated those kids as if they were my own. I hung in there with her during some really rough times. But I don't think she ever really appreciated or respected me much base a baseline point. Why?

 

Because I think that we just weren't compatible in some key ways. Reading how you talk about him, I'm reminded of my own situation. In the end, my good qualities didn't make up for the things I lacked that she valued. I'm not handy. I'm self-employed, so I make neither great money nor have the typical 9-to-5 schedule. I'm sometimes aloof. These were always known things, and I think for a time, she wanted to look past them. But as time went on, it seemed like maybe those lacking qualities ate away at her and she became increasingly resentful of me to the point of being hypercritical of almost everything I did.

 

She's with someone now who probably better fits what she's looking for: white-collar corporate job, lots of savings, comfortable living, handy, work-driven, etc. I will probably never be a lot of those things. Doesn't mean I'm a bad guy or a loser. It just means that I wasn't enough for her.

 

I think everyone deserves to be with someone who can respect, love, and admire them for who they are, flaws and all (within reason). You and your partner don't have that. Let him go so he can find that person and so that you can find yours.

[oldshirt]

Agreed, but it's just not in my nature to give up without exhausting the options.

We also share a lease, but I'm not worried too much about it because we're compatible/respectful as roommates and there are 2 bedrooms in the house..

 

 

 

OK I know we are all supposed to support people addressing issues and offering chances to change before pulling the plug etc etc but let's be realistic, the man is 38 years old, educated, gainfully employed, clean, healthy, no criminal etc and has lifelong history of being a free spirit and living by the seat of his pants and has probably had a few lapses in judgment and responsibility.

 

 

Due you really think a "talk" is going make him change his personality, persona, general character and his core values?

 

 

This goes way deeper than you rolling your eyes and shaking your head that he missed a few payments and is spending money on things you wouldn't buy - you actually think of him as a lesser man and do have an adequate degree of respect for him and do not think of him as worthy of your life-partnership. Is a conversation in the car going to change that?

 

 

Let's flip this around, If he gave you an ultimatum that you either loosen up and live a little and be more spontaneous and live in the moment and stop worrying so much about bills and credit scores and savings plans etc etc and get out party and play more or he will dump you...... would you do it?

 

 

I guess I'm not really telling you not to discuss this with him, I suppose it is only fair. I guess I'm saying don't get your hopes up.

 

 

I doubt if he will say no. I'm sure he'll promise to step it up and be more resourceful and more forward-thinking and responsible, I just think he will relapse sooner rather than later.

 

 

I just don't see him ever being the man you are looking for.

[Versacehottie]

Due you really think a "talk" is going make him change his personality, persona, general character and his core values?

 

Let's flip this around, If he gave you an ultimatum that you either loosen up and live a little and be more spontaneous and live in the moment and stop worrying so much about bills and credit scores and savings plans etc etc and get out party and play more or he will dump you...... would you do it?

 

 

I guess I'm not really telling you not to discuss this with him, I suppose it is only fair. I guess I'm saying don't get your hopes up.

 

 

I doubt if he will say no. I'm sure he'll promise to step it up and be more resourceful and more forward-thinking and responsible, I just think he will relapse sooner rather than later.

 

 

I just don't see him ever being the man you are looking for.

 

As much as I hate to say it because I hear ya No_Go on what you would like to do and understand wanting to see something to the "end" or until you are sure, I 100% agree with oldshirt. Your guy who sounds like he really loves or cares for you, is probably going to agree to try, but realistically I think you are always going to harbor resentment for him not being up to the standards you want in the values YOU hold dear. I do love the reverse example, oldshirt gave her because it is just as valid as what you want your bf to do. It's a question of differing values being so far apart and no compromise (on your end, I'm afraid). It sounds like he accepts you for who you are (though I'm afraid what you think about his spending and responsibility issues will have him hiding things from you, shutting down and resenting you in time).

 

For some people, the young at heart thing would be a plus, not a negative as you see it. I agree with you on some of the things you are concerned about (job losses, spending $1000 on a gym when he has loans that are in default). Those sound like they are absolute dealbreakers to you--so break the deal. I know you need to go through the process and it's hard to let go but you sound driven and goal-oriented about most (everything?). So have the courage to do what you need to do so you stop wasting time. Awww, I feel so bad but if you were to look back at all your posts over time with this guy (not that he's bad) but I think you've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole or whatever that saying is, the whole time. Sometimes it's just the end of the road due to incompatibility and how you see your life playing out.

 

ps think of how MUCH resentment you will have regarding purchasing a house and that's just around the corner (for you). Ok, hugs.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Versacehottie

[oldshirt]

No Go you seem very business oriented so lets put this into business, nuts and bolts terms.

 

 

Throughout most of human history, marriages were arranged by families and community elders. People thought that the marital union and contract were too important to leave up to youngsters who were full of hormones and didn't yet understand the ways of the world so other full grown adults sat down and determined who you would be most compatible with and who would get along best with the rest of the family and community and who would be a good match.

 

 

In the modern, western world people choose their own mates. In order to determine who is the best match we have an interview and probationary period where we interview them to determine their interests and temperments, and we also have a probationary period where we spend time with them doing a variety of things in an effort to determine their values and mores and their competence in the world in order to determine if they are 'the one' that we want to enter into a legal, lifelong contract with and have a home and family with.

 

 

Just like a job interview, if both parties are on the same page and both parties meet the needs of the other and both parties are good with the job duties and job performance, they continue forward and a permanent position is offered and accepted.

 

 

However That interview and probationary period is noncommittal and either party can end the interview and tryout period at any time without repercussion if they feel either the job or the person is not for them.

 

 

This interview and tryout/probationary period is called dating. At it's core dating is an interview and tryout period for the position of spouse in a marriage.

 

 

If both parties are compatible things move forward. If one or the other party determines they are not the right candidate for the job or the job turns out to not meet their expectations, either party is free to end the interview/tryout and move on.

 

 

I think you are getting a very good glimpse on how this candidate will perform if hired for the position. Is this the level of performance you want the person in the position of husband and father to be performing?

[No_Go]

Oldshirt, Versace,

Thank you for the insightful posts.

 

Overall I agree, there is more in the picture though:

 

- my BF has qualities that I admire, adaptability and responsiveness to feedback among them, I just haven't discussed these here. The question for me is whether these are sufficient to build respect to him (greater than the negative impact coming from the immaturity / fun oriented character in discussion)

 

- he's aware I'm not "fun-oriented", and is also attempting to change me, much more aggressively than me trying to change him. Most of the resentment build is because I put up going out with his friends (not my type), accompanying him to events etc. it is true i never initiate "fun" in our relationship, it is because he's taking all the space on that end

 

- I'm not sure me OR him will meet anybody better if we split. I'm his 1st long term gf, I had just 2 other bfs (much worse). I've been head over heels just to one man in my entire life, and we never even dated (he was just meeting all my criteria... But chose another path). My BF is content in our relationship, and visibly scared I can break it. All said to point out for both maybe more feasible to adjust than to search de novo in the wild... I'm contemplating over this a lot

[katiegrl]

No Go ......if you and your bf are intent on continuing this relationship, you both need to learn to accept and **embrace** your differences, and stop attempting to change the other into who each of you want the other to be ...

 

Have you considered couples counseling to help you with this?

 

If you are unable to accept and embrace these fundamental differences..... your relationship doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of working out in the long term.

 

Good luck..

[Versacehottie]

Oldshirt, Versace,

Thank you for the insightful posts.

 

Overall I agree, there is more in the picture though:

 

- my BF has qualities that I admire, adaptability and responsiveness to feedback among them, I just haven't discussed these here. The question for me is whether these are sufficient to build respect to him (greater than the negative impact coming from the immaturity / fun oriented character in discussion)

 

- he's aware I'm not "fun-oriented", and is also attempting to change me, much more aggressively than me trying to change him. Most of the resentment build is because I put up going out with his friends (not my type), accompanying him to events etc. it is true i never initiate "fun" in our relationship, it is because he's taking all the space on that end

 

- I'm not sure me OR him will meet anybody better if we split. I'm his 1st long term gf, I had just 2 other bfs (much worse). I've been head over heels just to one man in my entire life, and we never even dated (he was just meeting all my criteria... But chose another path). My BF is content in our relationship, and visibly scared I can break it. All said to point out for both maybe more feasible to adjust than to search de novo in the wild... I'm contemplating over this a lot

 

Oh no. Well first thank you for the compliment. But I think it's getting worse the more you tell us. Not entirely of course because no one can know your relationship like you do.

 

- I'm not sure me OR him will meet anybody better if we split. Awful, terrible reason to stay with someone. This is not how you should be viewing your situation because the realities of a long term partnership and marriage will blow this to smithreens if more is not there. This is what people would call settling.

 

and is also attempting to change me, much more aggressively than me trying to change him. Most of the resentment build is because I put up going out with his friends (not my type), accompanying him to events etc. it is true i never initiate "fun" in our relationship, it is because he's taking all the space on that end Double oh no!! Why are either of you trying to change the other, especially sooooo significantly. If you dislike his friends, that's a horrible thing to sign up for and adds to the resentment and disrespect you feel for him. Plus by him labeling you the "not fun one" you have no room to be fun. It sounds like you already have the mother-child, displinearean/displineee relationship. Seriously???? Who wants to sign up for that???

 

whether these are sufficient to build respect to him What???? You should only be dating him if you DO have respect for him. Not expect it to fall into place later. I think you don't mean this one entirely black and white but still.

 

Ok, I feel like you have a pretty tough skin to keep listening to all this feedback (most of which is negative) in such a neutral and open-minded way. I totally want the best for you, like a friend would. I'm going to try to stop unless you pose some new info where you want help. I think, at least from me, you have more than enough of my opinion. I don't say this because you are not "acting on it" immediately or completely agree with the assessments given here---I'm just nervous you are gonna break and don't think I have much more valuable to add. You know the challenges better than anyone and you have to let your life take it's course in whichever way it unfolds for you. That is part of living. I'll keep watching this thread though or any others and feel free to reach out. I just don't want to keep hurting you by saying negative things (though I must say you handle this stuff better than almost anyone who posts their dilemma on here and doesn't hear what they want to). Good luck xo

[No_Go]

Thanks Versace and Katie. Negative feedback is as good as if not more helpful than positive sometimes.. And the ideas for individual/couples counseling may help. But all in all, I got what I needed from this thread regarding my original question.

 

However, there is another bomb about to explode... Holidays are coming and my family is still unaware about my BF. I'm torn... I'm not in a good relationship with them, they live on another continent, and I've never shared about relationships with them. On top it's not clear to me whether the relationship with my BF will last, this tread just supports the No answer.

 

So now we'll stay over Christmas with my BFs family house. I'm torn shall I finally tell my family about him - nearly impossible not to since I'll get calls from them on the Christmas Day... But if my BF and I won't last as a couple, it is super weird finally to tell them about a man in my life (that I kept secret for long), just to break up soon after.

 

It's a mess.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Versace and Katie. Negative feedback is as good as if not more helpful than positive sometimes.. And the ideas for individual/couples counseling may help. But all in all, I got what I needed from this thread regarding my original question.

 

However, there is another bomb about to explode... Holidays are coming and my family is still unaware about my BF. I'm torn... I'm not in a good relationship with them, they live on another continent, and I've never shared about relationships with them. On top it's not clear to me whether the relationship with my BF will last, this tread just supports the No answer.

 

So now we'll stay over Christmas with my BFs family house. I'm torn shall I finally tell my family about him - nearly impossible not to since I'll get calls from them on the Christmas Day... But if my BF and I won't last as a couple, it is super weird finally to tell them about a man in my life (that I kept secret for long), just to break up soon after.

 

It's a mess.

 

Well purely from a logistically thing, why don't you preempt and call them on Christmas? That way you can control when it is a good time. I agree if you haven't told them about him yet, and with everything going on and your indecision about him, don't let the holidays be the catalyst for that conversation. Just wait until you have more clarity yourself.

[No_Go]

Probably that's the best strategy... Not sure if it will work and not thrilled to continue hiding but this will spare some stress to all.

 

Thank you and all for the help, I'd update if things change.

 

Well purely from a logistically thing, why don't you preempt and call them on Christmas? That way you can control when it is a good time. I agree if you haven't told them about him yet, and with everything going on and your indecision about him, don't let the holidays be the catalyst for that conversation. Just wait until you have more clarity yourself.

[No_Go]

So I underestimated my BF. He actually cleared up his bills in the past months, and even his student loan is not default. We spent some time together discussing this things, he initiated. I feel really proud of him taking actions before me opening the topic. He is changing for better because he wants to... I'm crossing fingers it stays that way Moral of the story: not to worry too much when the information is incomplete

[No_Go]

I'd need advice again, it has been over a month since I posted this thread, in the meanwhile:

- my BF actually took some actions in fixing his credit: payed his bills, which pushed it to ~700, still under what I'd like but getting there.

- he also made a plan to pay his remaining student loan, with the payments that he's making not, he should be done in 6 months.

-he's postponing saving for retirement for after paying his loan (he contributes some minimal amount now...and he's late 30s).

 

I still don't know how to react. On one side, he puts a lot of effort on his own to fix his situation, and is very open to sharing with me. On the other side, talking about home ownership he says "in the near future" (very undefined. Our lease expires in few months... I wonder shall I just suck it and rent another year so he can contribute, or just think of buying real estate alone...). Regarding retirement, he's not worried because "he'll work 30+ more years (I wish that will happen but considering his age, it is a russian roulette).

 

Basically I assume he's getting quite serious towards getting his issues in order for himself, and also for being an equal partner. So I guess my best move is just to encourage him and shut up about my impatience?

 

Also, now I feel like is really a make-or-break time for us. He works on resolving the major issues that were bothering me, but we still have 3 lingering issues:

-communication problem (this could be man/woman thing but I'd really like him to share about himself, not about politics/current events when I get home at night

-the most serious: I don't think he's open about his past, i.e. I think he's hiding something. We're about 11 months together, so I really think if he kept critical information from me (criminal past, drugs or related), is unforgivable. I'm checking my options to do checks before taking more serious steps with him, but still this issue is such a drag for me, I don't know how to approach it.

-my family is not in the loop. I've no idea how to share about him now that we're pushing an year and live together... And still, have enough insecurities to contemplate shall I introduce him (which will get inevitable soon and is causing me tons of stress).

-cultural/religious differences are starting to surface... But that's a whole other topic and I'm not that worried about it because I'm very fluid in that sense, i.e. has been exposed to a lot of cultures and religion is not a big matter to me

 

I'm sure it is not uncommon approaching year of dating people to start checking the lists of acceptable/unacceptable differences, but I just sometimes wonder - am I too nit picky because I'm not sure it this relationship, or is it the normal stress of getting another person in my life? E.g. the irresponsible financial behavior issue is nearly solved, but I'm still very sensitive on this topic / anticipate a disaster to happen so to speak, and I'm not able to relax on it although he's putting effort to keep me informed..

[loveweary11]

A random thought from a guy who comes up with ideas to get around problems...

 

I hear "house" and "bad credit."

 

Why not forget his dismal credit and put the house in your name?

 

It would make the whole thing a lot easier.

[No_Go]

Actually that's what I'm thinking to do.

 

I'd prefer to get a mortgage on two incomes but I don't know if it is worth the wait and risk.

 

A random thought from a guy who comes up with ideas to get around problems...

 

I hear "house" and "bad credit."

 

Why not forget his dismal credit and put the house in your name?

 

It would make the whole thing a lot easier.

[frus69]

Why s this discussion still going on even. I think everyone agrees that he does not have a problem. She just wants a totally different guy.

Why don't you just suck it up or leave, OP?

I think a financial planner suits you better?

[No_Go]

But Frus, even my BF himself agreed he's a bit off with his responsible financial planning That makes me think it is not just in my head.

 

I know some people would have changed a partner if it is not a 100% fit, I personally prefer other strategy (adjust to each other), that's why I'm asking here.

 

Why s this discussion still going on even. I think everyone agrees that he does not have a problem. She just wants a totally different guy.

Why don't you just suck it up or leave, OP?

I think a financial planner suits you better?

[frus69]

But Frus, even my BF himself agreed he's a bit off with his responsible financial planning That makes me think it is not just in my head.

 

I know some people would have changed a partner if it is not a 100% fit, I personally prefer other strategy (adjust to each other), that's why I'm asking here.

 

 

And I'm saying there is no other strategy to change him. He'd have to adjust a looooot to match you.

 

 

No one says a partner needs to be a 100% fit, no one is a 100% fit. But it has to be something we can accept. That's why I'm saying you either take it or if its something you cant deal with, leave.