Dating a man-boy

[Els]

He hasnt even done anything wrong and everyones advice is "nope get rid of him forget that you love him"

 

You're seeing this from a rather different perspective. My advice for her to leave was because I think he deserves better than the OP.

 

I mean, he pays 50% of the bills AND does 75% of the housework while engaging in sports, has friends, a decent job, and hobbies? He should be in a R with a woman who loves and respects him, not someone who calls him a "man-boy" in spite of all of the above.

 

That being said, leaving due to incompatibility is fine, too, but there is much more than just incompatibility going on here.

[WomenWubber]

Seems to me you have built up quite the resentment towards this man all becasue you don't know how to communicate your needs properly.

 

At this point, I think you have to accept you two are incompatible long term. You don't love this man, so what's keeping you from leaving? Financial issues?

[PogoStick]

Regarding his dad paying for dinner, that's just seniority, respect, and completely normal!

 

Sometimes my Grandpa would meet many of his kids and grandkids for lunch/dinner. He was a farmer, middle class, not rich or flashy. But when the check came, nobody but him could pay even if they tried. Of course, he didn't use credit cards or a bank, he tossed down a wad of 20s or 100s on the table.

 

After my Grandpa died, my dad assumed the role and does the same thing.

 

Even if you're 40+, the oldest guy in the room is still "The Man". They are his kids, it's his moment, give him respect and let him have it.

[Versacehottie]

Regarding his dad paying for dinner, that's just seniority, respect, and completely normal!

 

Sometimes my Grandpa would meet many of his kids and grandkids for lunch/dinner. He was a farmer, middle class, not rich or flashy. But when the check came, nobody but him could pay even if they tried. Of course, he didn't use credit cards or a bank, he tossed down a wad of 20s or 100s on the table.

 

After my Grandpa died, my dad assumed the role and does the same thing.

 

Even if you're 40+, the oldest guy in the room is still "The Man". They are his kids, it's his moment, give him respect and let him have it.

 

Word. And the only time grandpa or dad let's someone else pay is the guy that's coming in to be the man. It's a guy thing. Very cute.

[Winterina]

Really Winterina? On what basis are you advising OP that her boyfriend lacks compassion and empathy? That seems like projection of your own relationship based on limited evidence.

 

He likes sports and to be around youthful guys. That's a great trait and you should be proud that your guy can keep up with that.

 

OP you honestly sound impossible to please.

 

This guy spends his money the way he wants to, you spend your money the way you want to. Are you sure he isn't tucking away money into a 401k or similar? If I had a girlfriend who harassed me about my future all the time I would never tell her about my 401k.

 

I am advising her on the basis of commonly accepted psychological parameters that people with Asperger (and in fact this is one of their defining features) do not have any real ability to empathise and feel compassion. They know they SHOULD have it and feel it and are able to mimic... takes time to realize that there are no feelings behind it.

 

On which basis are you attacking OP, in whose shoes you've never been? I live with someone like that, I KNOW what it means... you are just guessing.

 

No, it is not always a positive thing that a 40 year old wants to hang with college kids. It is scary, as people should develop and move past the issues that college kids are concerned about. How long can an intelligent person listen about same old same old, something you have already been through and through for the past 20 years and heard all that there is to hear? Life priorities ought to change. For some people, they never do, it is always about fun fun fun and avoiding anything that requires effort and thinking. Distraction from real issues is always welcome for these people. For both me and the OP apparently, phases in life have changed, for our partners never... and never will. Live with someone like that, try and organise real life and deal with life issues that you inevitably face, and see how it feels to have to take all the burden on yourself because your partner is too busy having fun...while you break under the weight of what supposed to be your common issues, you have to organise everything and take care of everything.

These people are great to have as friends as they will drop anything any time you call them and be there for fun and be fun. But as partners, they are a huge disappointment. They appear warm and wonderful and say all the right things. But they will never turn into adult.

[oldshirt]

No Go I have read all your posts in this thread.

 

 

Lets take a little maturity test on him and see if he is immature or not. For the sake of argument lets make this easy and make it a Y/N test so answer Y or N for each of these questions below -

 

 

- Does he take care of his health? ie does he brush his teeth every day, eat nutritious food every day, get plenty of sleep every night, changes his underwear and socks every day, clip and clean his fingernails and toenails etc, does he go to the doctor and get treated if he is sick or injured? Does he avoid or limit the use of alcohol, tobacco and other unhealthy substances?

 

 

- Does he get up and go to work on time every day and do what he is supposed to do to maintain his employment?

 

 

- Does he maintain a warm, safe and hygienic home or is the fridge full of stale, moldy food, dirty dishes gathering cockroaches on the counters, bare wiring hanging from the outlets, loaded guns laying around, broken windows letting in the cold and rain, rodents and insects running around unchecked etc etc

 

 

- Does he spend his money on unhealthy or deleterious things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, prostitutes, get-rich-quick schemes or fall prey to obvious conmen?

 

 

- Does he have and maintain healthy relationships with friends and family, coworkers, neighbors etc? Are they healthy or exploitive relationships? does he treat wait staff with dignity and respect or he is an ********* that demeans people of lesser status and picks fights with neighbors and people he encounters?

 

 

- Does he treat you and other women with dignity and respect? Is he a skirt chaser or a womanizer, a cheater or does he drop his drawers for whatever woman will have him at the time?

 

 

- Does he treat your friends and family and coworkers with dignity and respect?

 

 

- does he have pets that he takes care of and provides for their needs?

 

 

- is he abusive or criminally neglectful towards children or animals?

 

 

- Historically has his lack of future planning and lack of ambition caused him or anyone else harm? In other words has he had long periods of unemployment? Has he been homeless and living on the street? Has he had any children or pets taken away from him do to neglect or inadequate care?

 

 

- Does he show recklessness or destructive behavior patterns? ie driving drunk or without proper license? Has he caused others harm through his reckless activities. Does he get into bar fights or pick fights with others.

 

 

- Does he have a history of cheating on GFs or being abusive towards them?

 

 

- Does he have any kind of criminal record?

 

 

- Has he ever had a house foreclosed or a car repossessed?

 

 

- has he ever defaulted on any kind of lone?

 

 

- Does he maintain health insurance on himself, at least liability insurance on his car and property insurance on his property?

 

 

- Does he pay his bills on time and in adequate amounts? Or does he have creditors hounding him and has had the lights and gas shut off?

 

 

- Does he maintain an acceptable public appearance? ie hair combed and manageable, facial hair trimmed and manageable, nails clean and trimmed, appropriate clothing for the situation?

 

 

- is he nice to his grandmother?

 

 

 

 

Answer all of those questions honestly and we will add them all up and see if he is actually immature and irresponsible and actually is a man-child, or if he just isn't the kind of man that you want.

[oldshirt]

how did we get from talking about playing sports with guys and not striving for the CEO's office to Aspergers Syndrome and personality disorders????

 

 

Did I miss something?

[losangelena]

how did we get from talking about playing sports with guys and not striving for the CEO's office to Aspergers Syndrome and personality disorders????

 

 

Did I miss something?

 

See post 23.

[bad username]

I am advising her on the basis of commonly accepted psychological parameters that people with Asperger (and in fact this is one of their defining features) do not have any real ability to empathise and feel compassion.

 

Lack of empathy was once thought to be a feature of Asperger's, but this is incorrect. People with Asperger's are unable to express empathy in ways that are familiar to those without AS. However, I gather from the OP that her previous ex had AS, not her current partner, so I believe it's irrelevant to the issue.

 

They know they SHOULD have it and feel it and are able to mimic... takes time to realize that there are no feelings behind it.

 

What you are describing is someone with a personality disorder. Most people with AS are conspicuous by their inability to read others' emotions.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Wow, seriously he is almost 40?

[Redhead14]

I sometimes wonder if my BF will ever grow up. He lives day by day, no plans, note except for "fun": vacation days, sports etc. I've never seen him struggling in thoughts how he wants to grow up professionally, but regarding his work outs, friends or gadgets - he's all up and present. We've been together for approaching 9 months, and I want to stay with him, but at the present just don't see him as a responsible adult, let alone father when time comes. Do guys change when faced with more responsibility, or his childish irresponsibility at age close to 40 is something that is not salvageable? I'm very worried I'll have an extra son (i.e. himself), not an equal partner, if we stay together long term... For the record, I'm very ambitious and driven, maybe that's why his lack of goals bug me so much... I'm old enough to make compromises but not experiments with dead-end relationships... which is what I feel like our relationship/his existence will turn into if he refuses to grow up...

 

What did he say when you first started dating him in terms of what he was looking for out of his dating journey?

 

Have a conversation with him about what his expectations and goals are for himself. Does he see himself as a father, husband, etc. and if, so, when? If you two aren't on the same page for the future, you should move on.

[Sunlight72]

Also it's a bad idea to pick someone based on potential. It means you are not satisfied with who they are.

Yes, this ^^^^

 

When dating, you don't get to decide how the person should behave. You get to observe how they behave.

 

Then you get to decide to continue the relationship or not, on the general idea that how they are now is the 'best' they're ever going to be.

 

Good Luck

[No_Go]

Self defines his life goals as: get more athletic and build friendships (how to get there: play sports and hangout)

At nearly 40, with close to none savings, no home etc

If he has a well paying job and does 75% of the housework how exactly is he a man-boy?

[Woggle]

It seems that the two of you are just no compatible and have different goals in life. I would just break it off, wish each other well and move on.

[No_Go]

Closer associates/friends: age group young enough to be their dad

 

Questioned about retirement: "I'll stay fit and work into my 70s". When opposed that's not realistic: "you are a fatalist :D"

 

Btw a side note: Wewon,, congrats for picking the professorship track - I basically gave up on that in the last second... But still imagine every so often how much more exciting life would have been that way

 

Please don't take this the wrong way...

 

Instead of seeing him as needing to grow up understand that he is old enough and been through life's gears enough to know that he would likely not be as happy living the way you want.

 

He's pulling his weight in every way that you described, maybe he could save more, but his life actually sounds deliberate and not haphazard and childish.

[No_Go]

If we stay together, I'll have an extra dependent - he won't be able to support himself in retirement, let alone help his kids to go to prestigious schools

 

On day-to-day basis: I'm in my 30s and like to converse with peers, not his college-age friends

 

Sounds to me he has a very productive, active adult life. Your perception of what "adult" is, is cooky. What's wrong with him joining a sports team with a bunch of young fellas? To me that just makes him young at heart and would be more connected with children when he has them. I say good on him for being active, enjoying life, and having friendships with people of different ages and different groups. He has a happy full life! I have no idea what your complaint is. IMO he has his sh it together.

[No_Go]

He's actually 38 (I've said nearly 40), I'm 7 years younger.

 

I asked whether people change in that respect, never said I'll induce the change myself

 

You cant build a relationships just on feelings or peoples cute faces.

If he 40s how old are you? This is your first relationship? Because you are asking if people change etc. Did you see that happen in your other relationships?

 

Hes not on same page as you. So why force it?

Now its a easy time to step out.

And if you know what you want and who you are,dont date anyone that dont

match much with that.

 

You cant change nobody! And even changing ourselfs is a great job sometimes.

[Sunlight72]

If we stay together, I'll have an extra dependent - he won't be able to support himself in retirement, let alone help his kids to go to prestigious schools

 

On day-to-day basis: I'm in my 30s and like to converse with peers, not his college-age friends

Yes, I hear you, and that is totally valid. That's what you value and want out of your life.

 

You have successfully identified him as Not being a person to provide that. Good work, your job here is done.

 

Except now you take the fruits of your observations and conclusions and exit the relationship, preferably with speed and grace.

[No_Go]

Treats me well in general, but is sort of controlling. Eg told me to keep my work at work??!!?? I never made a remark about his activities, so I feel like he is kind of annoyed that I'm surpassing him career wise and I'm afraid he won't be happy with it.

 

Who says he has to climb the career ladder or buy a home? The key question is whether you're compatible and how he treats you. You won't change him so if that's your plan then don't be surprised when it doesn't work.

[No_Go]

I think that this is actually a good point. Just his fun activities are not fun at all for me and if I have to join (eg for outing with his friends), it works me up.

 

Maybe if I communicate in my free time with the "serious-minded" crowd I'd be happier accompanying him to some of his activities, it will be a distraction

 

I'm not yet ready to leave but will rethink in 3-5 months, depending on the fact whether we adapt to our differences or not

 

 

Well, with a nod to my 'half-joking' post on the first page, it seems that the OP's partner is not so much a man-boy, but is actually simply not conforming to the OP's mental image of what a "Man" 'should' be.

 

No_Go, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're looking for someone more "serious-minded" and focused on personal success and ambition.

 

I used to be married to one of those and let me tell you, 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'.

Now you'll tell us that you don't want him to stop having fun, necessarily.

The problem is, you just want him to have fun, but in ways you consider fun, not ways he does.

 

Incompatibility is obvious. And really, the fly in the oinment, on now reading all the added posts, isn't him.

 

It's you.

[Wewon]

Treats me well in general, but is sort of controlling. Eg told me to keep my work at work??!!?? I never made a remark about his activities, so I feel like he is kind of annoyed that I'm surpassing him career wise and I'm afraid he won't be happy with it.

 

Okay, you were there, not me, but could this statement have also been interpreted as asking you to stop the shop talk and stay in the moment with him?

 

From how you described him, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that is worried about being surpassed.

[No_Go]

Very honestly no.

 

All that I like from money is making them and managing them. I actually hate spending on "fluff" (holidays, jewelry etc), and in one way or another, supported financially all my partners...so it is not the money.

 

 

Let's be honest, OP.

 

You like money, right? Lots of money?

[No_Go]

I love him because he is "present" when we are together, we have very strong chemistry, he is responsible day-to-day, he is smart.

I hate though his lack of ambition and inability to act age appropriately

 

 

He hasnt even done anything wrong and everyones advice is "nope get rid of him forget that you love him"

 

Err she loves him cos hes not boring hes unpredictable and likes to have fun

 

And every second thread on here is about guys who got dumped because they were boring predictable and never wanted to do anything fun

 

Shes just cranky cos she cant control him

 

If hes paying his own way and staying loyal to her then hes mr wonderful, truly. Give guy a break

 

Hes got no kids so why he instinctively doesnt hav to be father material until he has to

[No_Go]

How long have you been with your partner, Winterina? I understand AS is a constant state, but does it get easier for you. In our case in not sure if it is AS or social anxiety, according to him he heard both as possibilities

 

Self-centrism makes me believe it is AS indeed. Eg he had to return something to a guy that he was friends before but got disappointed from. I asked him to do it quicker. He said "but what will this bring to me?" I explained it is not about him in this case (it is for his former friend), he acted so confused....

 

Oh no. Sorry to tell you but ADHD and Asperger go hand in hand and more often than not individuals with ADHD also have a degree of Asperger...which is a form of autism, at the lowest end of the spectrum. This guy will never change, in either case. You are going to grow increasingly frustrated and will fail to understand why, after many conversation and promises, he still does/does not do some things. You will start to question his love for you after another year...

That story about wanting kids and family and saying one thing doing another... that is just like my partner. He is not good with putting in any decent and consistent effort over time to get what he wants.

My advice is to get out... you will invest more and more into this relationship and it will be harder and harder to let go. Get out before you turn your life into mess. You will never get him to "do something about his life"...never. He might be into you because subconsciously he knows he needs a strong woman who can lead his way through life and organise things for him. You will little by little be taking over more and more responsibilities for the sake of getting things done, and not having to watch him drag with it, remind him to do it, etc. In the end you will be overburdened and stressed and he will be feeling great and light... You will be the bitch and he will be the nice guy.

 

You must accept him the way he is right now, or you will drive yourself nuts trying to squeeze something out of him that he does not have, like organisation, planning, responsibility...

[No_Go]

Winterina has a point, based on a past post.

 

I'm sure for the 401K because he brought the topic...

 

I'm super easy to please in a sense I need minimal attention. I'm usually quite detached, which by itself could be a problem for my BF...I've been thinking how to improve.

 

Really Winterina? On what basis are you advising OP that her boyfriend lacks compassion and empathy? That seems like projection of your own relationship based on limited evidence.

 

He likes sports and to be around youthful guys. That's a great trait and you should be proud that your guy can keep up with that.

 

OP you honestly sound impossible to please.

 

This guy spends his money the way he wants to, you spend your money the way you want to. Are you sure he isn't tucking away money into a 401k or similar? If I had a girlfriend who harassed me about my future all the time I would never tell her about my 401k.