Author No_Go Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Ok, but he has an Ivy League education. A well-paying job too. Just he's working without any desire and ambition to excel, he'd be more than happy to stay were he is and devote to his hobbies, friends etc. I think it is a fair question @losangelina. When guys come on here complaining about their "luck" with women, we tell them to take responsibility and rightfully so. Same principle applies here. I'm just not seeing how the OP possibly couldn't have an idea of her boyfriend's sense of responsibility and ambition by the 3rd date. Isn't that something important to be screening a potential partner on too. Even when you keep things light don't you at least ask each other "how's work"? Anyway OP, he isn't changing. Some guys do indeed step up their lives when they meet a woman who truly inspires them, but that he hasn't done it for you after 9 months means that ship has already sailed. I can't say for sure either way whether you can put up w a lifetime of this. Harsh but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Lives with me. Takes care for his part of the bills and admittedly 75% of the housework. Doesn't own a home and is ok with it. Barely safes for retirement. Engages into college-level activities (sports, going out with friends etc). He's a good man. Maybe it is indeed his temperament (influenced by depression treatment in the past I think). He's 7 years older than me and I'm far ahead with planning for future, that's what bugs me So far you've made some commentary on his temperament but you haven't said anything specifically that would suggest that he hasn't "grown up". A lot of times women will sling the immature card at a man simply because he has a hobby she doesn't like or doesn't parallel her emotions. Is there anything specific that he does that causes you to feel this way? You mention that he's almost 40, I assume that he's holding down a job and living on his own? Does he handle life in a childish way? Otherwise, this may not be a case of him needing to grow up and instead the fact that you simply aren't ever going to like that his approach to life is different from yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 I think is both That's why I'm not placing a thread that I'm dumping him, just wondering can it gets better. Since you're under the stress of a new job could this be a case of resenting that he's not acting as stressed out as you versus him needing to grow up? My ex used to get mad if something was bothering her but she felt that I wasn't stressing out the same as her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Lives with me. Takes care for his part of the bills and admittedly 75% of the housework. Doesn't own a home and is ok with it. Barely safes for retirement. Engages into college-level activities (sports, going out with friends etc). He's a good man. Maybe it is indeed his temperament (influenced by depression treatment in the past I think). He's 7 years older than me and I'm far ahead with planning for future, that's what bugs me He doesn't sound like he needs to grow up so much that he has decided what is important to him in life. When I was in my 20s I was a lot more prone to stress and drive. After a business failed I re-evaluated things and decided that life is too short. I stopped letting career dictate the major decisions of my life and started giving a higher priority to friends, family and activities that would bring memories. I'm a few years older than him and I chose my current profession (engineering professor) based solely on the fact that I would enjoy it more than anything. I guess that in some people's eyes I have a lot of growing up to do. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I think is both That's why I'm not placing a thread that I'm dumping him, just wondering can it gets better. Probably not as long as you view him with such condescension and disrespect as was indicated in your labeling him a "man-boy", simply because (as you're now indicating) he has different priorities in life and is NOT interested in the jumping on the rat-wheel to move up higher and higher in his already well-established and high-paying career. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 If he has a well paying job and does 75% of the housework how exactly is he a man-boy? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Basically no concept of saving, long term career plan, claiming the ladder, buying a home etc. Joyful when he plays his sports, interacts with his friends, apathetic for the rest. Eg going out with his parents, his dad pays for us:D I think he's a Peter Pan indeed, but has his qualities, I though people grow out of that.. Curious what criteria meets the terms of " grown up"? Back in the day it was called The Peter Pan syndrome. is that perhaps a fair statement of this gent you are dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Basically no concept of saving, long term career plan, claiming the ladder, buying a home etc. Joyful when he plays his sports, interacts with his friends, apathetic for the rest. Eg going out with his parents, his dad pays for us:D I think he's a Peter Pan indeed, but has his qualities, I though people grow out of that.. Please don't take this the wrong way... Instead of seeing him as needing to grow up understand that he is old enough and been through life's gears enough to know that he would likely not be as happy living the way you want. He's pulling his weight in every way that you described, maybe he could save more, but his life actually sounds deliberate and not haphazard and childish. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Thanks LA! I'm still not ready to give up on him...there was some positive change, eg with financial issues that I discussed here. Cohabitation brought up a lot of stress (nothing specific, just the lack of time apart), so I feel like giving it 3 more months to make a full year before making a decision. I also made a huge job transition, so I'm crankier than usual, and don't want to make terminal decisions before coming back on track myself.. He's really contradictory in his thoughts/actions. HE is talking how he wants to be a father (not immediately obviously, but in his future), then he joins a sports team with college kids (he's 38 to be precise, i.e. Double their age). He saves on lunches one second, next one splurges on expensive electronics. I don't know if it makes sense, but he just seem not to be "calibrated" as an adult. He's super keen on spending time with his church friends, I think I mentioned this issue before, I sometimes wonder do I misread this and it is just part of the religious people behavior.. It suck, because he has a potential. He has degrees, good family, just somehow can't put the things together into a driven fulfilling productive life... Sounds to me he has a very productive, active adult life. Your perception of what "adult" is, is cooky. What's wrong with him joining a sports team with a bunch of young fellas? To me that just makes him young at heart and would be more connected with children when he has them. I say good on him for being active, enjoying life, and having friendships with people of different ages and different groups. He has a happy full life! I have no idea what your complaint is. IMO he has his sh it together. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I sometimes wonder if my BF will ever grow up. He lives day by day, no plans, note except for "fun": vacation days, sports etc. I've never seen him struggling in thoughts how he wants to grow up professionally, but regarding his work outs, friends or gadgets - he's all up and present. We've been together for approaching 9 months, and I want to stay with him, but at the present just don't see him as a responsible adult, let alone father when time comes. Do guys change when faced with more responsibility, or his childish irresponsibility at age close to 40 is something that is not salvageable? I'm very worried I'll have an extra son (i.e. himself), not an equal partner, if we stay together long term... For the record, I'm very ambitious and driven, maybe that's why his lack of goals bug me so much... I'm old enough to make compromises but not experiments with dead-end relationships... which is what I feel like our relationship/his existence will turn into if he refuses to grow up... Your boyfriend sounds like a complete loser. You like dating losers? What is it that is keeping you interested in him anyways? Great sex? No other options? If you got your sh-t together, why don't you drop him and find a MAN? Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Sounds to me he has a very productive, active adult life. Your perception of what "adult" is, is cooky. What's wrong with him joining a sports team with a bunch of young fellas? To me that just makes him young at heart and would be more connected with children when he has them. I say good on him for being active, enjoying life, and having friendships with people of different ages and different groups. He has a happy full life! I have no idea what your complaint is. IMO he has his sh it together. I responded to OP's very first post as she made her boyfriend come off as a deadbeat loser. Now we find he has flaws but is not a complete loser. Note to self: keep reading all of the posts before posting an opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 You cant build a relationships just on feelings or peoples cute faces. If he 40s how old are you? This is your first relationship? Because you are asking if people change etc. Did you see that happen in your other relationships? Hes not on same page as you. So why force it? Now its a easy time to step out. And if you know what you want and who you are,dont date anyone that dont match much with that. You cant change nobody! And even changing ourselfs is a great job sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cherryz Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Reading your other posts sounds like you just meet someone and try to rebuilt them to your expectations and wishes. You gonna be disappointed alot! Because no one is like you. so you cant make no one act and think like you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Reading your first post, I would have assumed that all he does is play casual sports and purchase electronics all day. As the thread continued, I learn that he's well-educated, he has a well-paying job, does most of the housework, and manages to maintain a solid social life at the same time. He's not a man-boy, and I do think he's living a very fulfilling life based on his needs. Not everyone needs to climb a corporate ladder to be happy, and I would argue that most are better off not doing so. If those are your expectations, you may not be compatible, but I wouldn't say he has a lack of ambition. He's just realized what's important to him in life. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Basically no concept of saving, long term career plan, claiming the ladder, buying a home etc. Joyful when he plays his sports, interacts with his friends, apathetic for the rest. Eg going out with his parents, his dad pays for us:D I think he's a Peter Pan indeed, but has his qualities, I though people grow out of that.. Who says he has to climb the career ladder or buy a home? The key question is whether you're compatible and how he treats you. You won't change him so if that's your plan then don't be surprised when it doesn't work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Well, with a nod to my 'half-joking' post on the first page, it seems that the OP's partner is not so much a man-boy, but is actually simply not conforming to the OP's mental image of what a "Man" 'should' be. No_Go, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're looking for someone more "serious-minded" and focused on personal success and ambition. I used to be married to one of those and let me tell you, 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. Now you'll tell us that you don't want him to stop having fun, necessarily. The problem is, you just want him to have fun, but in ways you consider fun, not ways he does. Incompatibility is obvious. And really, the fly in the oinment, on now reading all the added posts, isn't him. It's you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Let's be honest, OP. You like money, right? Lots of money? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thunder777 Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 He hasnt even done anything wrong and everyones advice is "nope get rid of him forget that you love him" Err she loves him cos hes not boring hes unpredictable and likes to have fun And every second thread on here is about guys who got dumped because they were boring predictable and never wanted to do anything fun Shes just cranky cos she cant control him If hes paying his own way and staying loyal to her then hes mr wonderful, truly. Give guy a break Hes got no kids so why he instinctively doesnt hav to be father material until he has to Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Thanks Winterina. My BF definitely had mental issues (he treated them, talking very openly about it), including depression, social anxiety, and I think Asperger. I don't know about ADHD but if you look at Aspergers symptoms, it is still very difficult for the partner. Codependency is horrible thing, I lived with an alcoholic and it was a nightmare. In the current situation I don't think we're codependent but it may happen... Hope the things with your man get better Oh no. Sorry to tell you but ADHD and Asperger go hand in hand and more often than not individuals with ADHD also have a degree of Asperger...which is a form of autism, at the lowest end of the spectrum. This guy will never change, in either case. You are going to grow increasingly frustrated and will fail to understand why, after many conversation and promises, he still does/does not do some things. You will start to question his love for you after another year... That story about wanting kids and family and saying one thing doing another... that is just like my partner. He is not good with putting in any decent and consistent effort over time to get what he wants. My advice is to get out... you will invest more and more into this relationship and it will be harder and harder to let go. Get out before you turn your life into mess. You will never get him to "do something about his life"...never. He might be into you because subconsciously he knows he needs a strong woman who can lead his way through life and organise things for him. You will little by little be taking over more and more responsibilities for the sake of getting things done, and not having to watch him drag with it, remind him to do it, etc. In the end you will be overburdened and stressed and he will be feeling great and light... You will be the bitch and he will be the nice guy. You must accept him the way he is right now, or you will drive yourself nuts trying to squeeze something out of him that he does not have, like organisation, planning, responsibility... Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Basically no concept of saving, long term career plan, claiming the ladder, buying a home etc. Joyful when he plays his sports, interacts with his friends, apathetic for the rest. Eg going out with his parents, his dad pays for us:D I think he's a Peter Pan indeed, but has his qualities, I though people grow out of that.. My partner, copy-pasted to the last letter Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Lives with me. Takes care for his part of the bills and admittedly 75% of the housework. Doesn't own a home and is ok with it. Barely safes for retirement. Engages into college-level activities (sports, going out with friends etc). He's a good man. Maybe it is indeed his temperament (influenced by depression treatment in the past I think). He's 7 years older than me and I'm far ahead with planning for future, that's what bugs me My partner too does so much housework... I think it is his way of compensating for other things. It is not their fault, their brains are wired differently. You will find as you go on, that he does not really feel real compassion and empathy... but he sure knows how to fake one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Really Winterina? On what basis are you advising OP that her boyfriend lacks compassion and empathy? That seems like projection of your own relationship based on limited evidence. He likes sports and to be around youthful guys. That's a great trait and you should be proud that your guy can keep up with that. OP you honestly sound impossible to please. This guy spends his money the way he wants to, you spend your money the way you want to. Are you sure he isn't tucking away money into a 401k or similar? If I had a girlfriend who harassed me about my future all the time I would never tell her about my 401k. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Well, with a nod to my 'half-joking' post on the first page, it seems that the OP's partner is not so much a man-boy, but is actually simply not conforming to the OP's mental image of what a "Man" 'should' be. No_Go, I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're looking for someone more "serious-minded" and focused on personal success and ambition. I used to be married to one of those and let me tell you, 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. Now you'll tell us that you don't want him to stop having fun, necessarily. The problem is, you just want him to have fun, but in ways you consider fun, not ways he does. Incompatibility is obvious. And really, the fly in the oinment, on now reading all the added posts, isn't him. It's you. No-go you know I really like you from your past threads on this site. However, I just think you need to either admit that you are incompatible (no point in continuing) or admit to yourself that when he annoys you slightly, you jump all the way to these types of thoughts (that you could get under control). Generally I think you are incompatible with each other. Mostly due to your rigid nature (sorry!). And since it keeps coming up, you still have stuff to process from that previous relationship which affects this relationship. Maybe you just jumped into this relationship because he seemed like a "decent" guy but there really are compatibility and passion issues that really keep cropping up. It's been a while now but you mention the ex-bf enough that as an neutral observer it would be a concern (baggage). As sensible as you have always sounded, I don't get the feeling that you want to compromise much (at all?) which will come up with whoever you are with. OR you see that everything that doesn't go 100% your way as compromise (but in a bad way so you are resentful about it). But I do think you can find someone who is a better match so there is less to compromise on. OR I think it would be wise to see a therapist alone and then maybe together about the things. First to work on your rigidity and other stuff and then together to work out any real issues that remain. Also it's a bad idea to pick someone based on potential. It means you are not satisfied with who they are. Since you live together now, I think you have much more a right to be involved in his finances than you used to. But didn't you move in together, in large part, as a financial decision? that's not good. I'm nervous for you. I want to see you happy but honestly I think a lot of the stuff you have issues with are self-generated and have little to do with your partner. If you don't want to work on them and don't think you have any issues (fair enough, I guess), then why are you hanging in there with someone that you have resentment for? It's a recipe for disaster and you are only 9 months in!!!! It's your job to yourself to manage your life and be honest with yourself. If he doesn't meet your needs in these MAJOR ways, you need to move on and stop hoping to change him. Good luck--you know I really want you to be happy so hopefully you take no offense at my post. <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 I think it's quite normal to realize someone's flaws over time. That's what dating IS—the process of learning about another person and whether or not you WANT to spend the rest of your life with them. This ^^^^ Dating is an interview and probationary period to see if someone is compatible and a match for us and the one we want to have a home and family with. It is spending time with someone to get to know them and see if their values, beliefs, mores nad life-goals and objectives are the same as ours. If they are we continue to see them we continue to develop the relationship. If they are not, then we end the interview/probationary period and continue looking. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 It isn't so much about maturity as about preferred lifestyle. Some people just prefer to live in the moment and not prioritize children, career, assets, etc. Or some people don't even want children. Their choice. I'm cringing at the way you're describing him. It sounds like this relationship is beyond salvage to me - you clearly don't have any feelings left for him. Let him go and find someone more compatible with you. (Also, I just read that you say he pays 50% of the bills and does 75% of the housework, and YOU'RE calling HIM immature?? Are you kidding me?? ) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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