Dating a man-boy

[No_Go]

Thanks, VH, quite insightful post.

 

I have spoken to a therapist, and he did bring up what you said about the ability to compromise. Unfortunately I had to stop seeing him because I got swamped with work this month, but I agree it is a good idea to continue when time permits.

 

My ex is a baggage in a way that the relationship was extremely codependent and abusive. I kind of feel guilty to admit it, but I hit together with my BF because I was super scared my ex will return, and also found him the opposite of my ex in terms of healthy lifestyle etc.

 

I actually really want to make it work. I know I complain a lot here, but he has qualities. Also as mentioned, I'm very stressed out by my new job and moving together with him (less personal space, on top of longer hours and brutal commute), so I feel like we still have a chance but ... I'm also not keen on staying together for too long if we're really incompatible... So I'm in a tough spot.

 

No-go you know I really like you from your past threads on this site. However, I just think you need to either admit that you are incompatible (no point in continuing) or admit to yourself that when he annoys you slightly, you jump all the way to these types of thoughts (that you could get under control). Generally I think you are incompatible with each other. Mostly due to your rigid nature (sorry!).

 

And since it keeps coming up, you still have stuff to process from that previous relationship which affects this relationship. Maybe you just jumped into this relationship because he seemed like a "decent" guy but there really are compatibility and passion issues that really keep cropping up. It's been a while now but you mention the ex-bf enough that as an neutral observer it would be a concern (baggage).

 

As sensible as you have always sounded, I don't get the feeling that you want to compromise much (at all?) which will come up with whoever you are with. OR you see that everything that doesn't go 100% your way as compromise (but in a bad way so you are resentful about it). But I do think you can find someone who is a better match so there is less to compromise on. OR I think it would be wise to see a therapist alone and then maybe together about the things. First to work on your rigidity and other stuff and then together to work out any real issues that remain.

 

Also it's a bad idea to pick someone based on potential. It means you are not satisfied with who they are. Since you live together now, I think you have much more a right to be involved in his finances than you used to. But didn't you move in together, in large part, as a financial decision? that's not good. I'm nervous for you. I want to see you happy but honestly I think a lot of the stuff you have issues with are self-generated and have little to do with your partner. If you don't want to work on them and don't think you have any issues (fair enough, I guess), then why are you hanging in there with someone that you have resentment for? It's a recipe for disaster and you are only 9 months in!!!! It's your job to yourself to manage your life and be honest with yourself. If he doesn't meet your needs in these MAJOR ways, you need to move on and stop hoping to change him. Good luck--you know I really want you to be happy so hopefully you take no offense at my post. <3

[No_Go]

Wait, I haven't asked for recommendation about dumping him

 

if you read my posts selectively you'd get what you wrote. Else you'll see there is more, and it is not pretty

 

You're seeing this from a rather different perspective. My advice for her to leave was because I think he deserves better than the OP.

 

I mean, he pays 50% of the bills AND does 75% of the housework while engaging in sports, has friends, a decent job, and hobbies? He should be in a R with a woman who loves and respects him, not someone who calls him a "man-boy" in spite of all of the above.

 

That being said, leaving due to incompatibility is fine, too, but there is much more than just incompatibility going on here.

[No_Go]

Well yeah, how to communicate them? Tell him: "you embarrass yourself with your childish behaviors" and "I don't want to take care for a grown up man in the near future" or something lighter/less direct that you propose?

 

Seems to me you have built up quite the resentment towards this man all becasue you don't know how to communicate your needs properly.

 

At this point, I think you have to accept you two are incompatible long term. You don't love this man, so what's keeping you from leaving? Financial issues?

[Rydo]

He sounds like a fun happy guy to me. I wouldn't try to change him and 100% ignore the armchair psychology.

[No_Go]

Ok! Answers are in order:

1-4, yes

5, yes, but if he doesn't like someone, he avoids them completely... Which I personally find very odd

6, yes, to specify though I'm his 1st relationship partner for over few months

7, yes, with the remark from 5 (disliked my former roommate and avoided her)

8, yes

9, no

10, no, he lost employment several times though (5 or so to my knowledge..)

11, no

12, no, see 6 though

13, no (to my knowledge at least)

14-15, no

16, yes

17, yes, but has unpaid (medical?) bills from the past and student loan

18-19, yes

 

Now I'm super curious how this adds up!

 

No Go I have read all your posts in this thread.

 

 

Lets take a little maturity test on him and see if he is immature or not. For the sake of argument lets make this easy and make it a Y/N test so answer Y or N for each of these questions below -

 

 

- Does he take care of his health? ie does he brush his teeth every day, eat nutritious food every day, get plenty of sleep every night, changes his underwear and socks every day, clip and clean his fingernails and toenails etc, does he go to the doctor and get treated if he is sick or injured? Does he avoid or limit the use of alcohol, tobacco and other unhealthy substances?

 

 

- Does he get up and go to work on time every day and do what he is supposed to do to maintain his employment?

 

 

- Does he maintain a warm, safe and hygienic home or is the fridge full of stale, moldy food, dirty dishes gathering cockroaches on the counters, bare wiring hanging from the outlets, loaded guns laying around, broken windows letting in the cold and rain, rodents and insects running around unchecked etc etc

 

 

- Does he spend his money on unhealthy or deleterious things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, prostitutes, get-rich-quick schemes or fall prey to obvious conmen?

 

 

- Does he have and maintain healthy relationships with friends and family, coworkers, neighbors etc? Are they healthy or exploitive relationships? does he treat wait staff with dignity and respect or he is an ********* that demeans people of lesser status and picks fights with neighbors and people he encounters?

 

 

- Does he treat you and other women with dignity and respect? Is he a skirt chaser or a womanizer, a cheater or does he drop his drawers for whatever woman will have him at the time?

 

 

- Does he treat your friends and family and coworkers with dignity and respect?

 

 

- does he have pets that he takes care of and provides for their needs?

 

 

- is he abusive or criminally neglectful towards children or animals?

 

 

- Historically has his lack of future planning and lack of ambition caused him or anyone else harm? In other words has he had long periods of unemployment? Has he been homeless and living on the street? Has he had any children or pets taken away from him do to neglect or inadequate care?

 

 

- Does he show recklessness or destructive behavior patterns? ie driving drunk or without proper license? Has he caused others harm through his reckless activities. Does he get into bar fights or pick fights with others.

 

 

- Does he have a history of cheating on GFs or being abusive towards them?

 

 

- Does he have any kind of criminal record?

 

 

- Has he ever had a house foreclosed or a car repossessed?

 

 

- has he ever defaulted on any kind of lone?

 

 

- Does he maintain health insurance on himself, at least liability insurance on his car and property insurance on his property?

 

 

- Does he pay his bills on time and in adequate amounts? Or does he have creditors hounding him and has had the lights and gas shut off?

 

 

- Does he maintain an acceptable public appearance? ie hair combed and manageable, facial hair trimmed and manageable, nails clean and trimmed, appropriate clothing for the situation?

 

 

- is he nice to his grandmother?

 

 

 

 

Answer all of those questions honestly and we will add them all up and see if he is actually immature and irresponsible and actually is a man-child, or if he just isn't the kind of man that you want.

[Winterina]

I my case, OP, to answer your question, it did not get easier over time but harder. More stuff happened and piled up, the resentment grew... Love is not enough.

[No_Go]

He said he's looking for a LTR, someone to make friends together with (new in town), and that he's finally on a job he likes.

 

That his goal is to build connections, which I though it is cute, not realizing it is on the expense of his professional ambitions.

 

I see your point though.

 

What did he say when you first started dating him in terms of what he was looking for out of his dating journey?

 

Have a conversation with him about what his expectations and goals are for himself. Does he see himself as a father, husband, etc. and if, so, when? If you two aren't on the same page for the future, you should move on.

[No_Go]

Could be actually. He said his love language is time spend together or something like this, which made me panic immediately because I translated it as robbing my free time to focus on my own thoughts...

 

Okay, you were there, not me, but could this statement have also been interpreted as asking you to stop the shop talk and stay in the moment with him?

 

From how you described him, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy that is worried about being surpassed.

[No_Go]

Sorry to hear... It is very unfortunate since it doesn't depend on them

I my case, OP, to answer your question, it did not get easier over time but harder. More stuff happened and piled up, the resentment grew... Love is not enough.

[katiegrl]

No Go, the below was no. 4 on the list, to which you answered yes.

 

>>"Does he spend his money on unhealthy or deleterious things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, prostitutes, get-rich-quick schemes or fall prey to obvious conmen?

 

Is it safe to presume you mean no?

 

I hope so, cuz if not, you've got bigger problems than him being a "man-boy."

[Versacehottie]

Thanks, VH, quite insightful post.

 

I have spoken to a therapist, and he did bring up what you said about the ability to compromise. Unfortunately I had to stop seeing him because I got swamped with work this month, but I agree it is a good idea to continue when time permits.

 

My ex is a baggage in a way that the relationship was extremely codependent and abusive. I kind of feel guilty to admit it, but I hit together with my BF because I was super scared my ex will return, and also found him the opposite of my ex in terms of healthy lifestyle etc.

 

I actually really want to make it work. I know I complain a lot here, but he has qualities. Also as mentioned, I'm very stressed out by my new job and moving together with him (less personal space, on top of longer hours and brutal commute), so I feel like we still have a chance but ... I'm also not keen on staying together for too long if we're really incompatible... So I'm in a tough spot.

 

Yes, what I bolded is exactly what I've been picking up on all along. Maybe you are only just now considering the real idea of your current guy as your partner, whereas before he was sort of the guy who was helping you escape? Unfortunately, if you did do that you didn't give your current guy the appropriate consideration that both of you deserved to get before you took it to it's current level. But hey, life never unfolds perfectly.

 

I think your therapist will be really helpful. I think if you can see the compromise stuff from a good point of view and be less rigid about what you expect and are getting, you will be more pleased with whoever. I have to say when you are talking factually about your guy, he sounds like a pretty good guy! And especially if you do have chemistry with him.

 

Even with the stuff you are annoyed by, some people would still be thrilled to get a guy who is day to day responsible. You see it as a bad thing that he is young at heart but I think that sounds great. I think in every relationship, people take on the stuff that each of them is better at. So you can do the long term financial planning. He might be relieved to have that off his hands as long as you stop bugging him about how sh*t he is at it. Perhaps it's not traditional but my mom does that--my dad's not bad at it but my mom's great at it.

 

I think some of the stuff about him you need to reframe and see it differently. There are still quite a few major issues to sort out though--ones where you just may never meet a point of compromise. You will resent him 1000 times more and vice versa if you feel like he's a dependent. What sort of ambition are you looking for exactly? I have to just be honest and cheeky--haven't you noticed that even many major male CEO's are playing games etc? I think it may just be a man's world vs a woman's world. They can get kinda far by networking over golf, trips, hanging out. Not to discount the hard work they also do--but that is a key component of their bonding and networking. I can give you 100's of examples of that from real life.

 

I know you say you are not ready to break up with him. My honest opinion is that you need to figure it out really soon. Purely thinking of you selfishly: there would be the un-entanglement since you live together, there would be feeling ready to date again AND then finding someone new that you like and is suitable. So if you wait 3-5 months to break up, you are looking at about a year until you start dating again; who knows how long it will take to find the RIGHT person and how long until you are at the point where that guy is ready to move forward and have kids, which you want. I'm getting anxiety for you just thinking about it and I'm never like that.

 

I just think you have virtually all the information you need. The only circumstance I would give it 3-5 months is if you talk to him in the next couple of weeks and use the 3-5 months to make a joint effort to see if you both can work on those major issues. My gut is that it shouldn't be this hard though. That said, relationships require work and personal growth. I just think it's obvious to everyone, including yourself if you are honest with yourself, that you are at the make or break moment now. Not break up necessarily but lay everything on the line. Ok, good luck.

[No_Go]

Oh, meant no, the wonders of typing from your phone in a rush...

 

Thanks for the catch!

 

No Go, the below was no. 4 on the list, to which you answered yes.

 

>>"Does he spend his money on unhealthy or deleterious things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, prostitutes, get-rich-quick schemes or fall prey to obvious conmen?

 

Is it safe to presume you mean no?

 

I hope so, cuz if not, you've got bigger problems than him being a "man-boy."

[Versacehottie]

Wait I'm stuck on lost employment about 5 times-----did I read that correctly? If so, and he is not in an industry like tech where they have big layoff's all the time so much so that that kind of number would be normal. Ivy league educated people are usually smart enough to jump to next position and get it if they sense something coming their way. They are also usually gainfully employed in normal industries. If he has been fired 5 times, I would say you definitely have a problem on your hands--something his employers have picked up on as well in terms of his responsibility. This would be a no-go for me ESPECIALLY combined with who I believe you to be (in all the good ways). You could work on all the rigidity stuff in the world and a guy who has problem holding onto his job is just not going to cut it for you. Rightly so. It just doesn't go with who you are.

[No_Go]

He's in a very specific engineering field... but still. From what he told me he did jump relatively quickly to new positions but still he had periods of 4 months or so in between. He also changed locations (cross country so many times because of that), that I was not sure that I want to date him for a long time from the fear he'll do this again. I made it clear i do NOT want to move.

 

From your previous post, we need to strike a log conversation pretty soon to redefine goals.

I have two objections:

1) I need a track record because of the issue above

2) Since we're not engaged/married, the subject for long term financial planning is tacky. I'm e.g. ready to buy a house myself, but I'm not sure how to handle this with him - e.g. if we're to stay together, I'd take his opinion (and eventual contribution) into consideration, else it is purely my choice what/where to buy. So I feel like there is a tricky conversation ahead (I don't want to sound to him like I'm pressuring for marriage: I'm definitely not even considering the possibility without a track record disproving my concerns).

 

Wait I'm stuck on lost employment about 5 times-----did I read that correctly? If so, and he is not in an industry like tech where they have big layoff's all the time so much so that that kind of number would be normal. Ivy league educated people are usually smart enough to jump to next position and get it if they sense something coming their way. They are also usually gainfully employed in normal industries. If he has been fired 5 times, I would say you definitely have a problem on your hands--something his employers have picked up on as well in terms of his responsibility. This would be a no-go for me ESPECIALLY combined with who I believe you to be (in all the good ways). You could work on all the rigidity stuff in the world and a guy who has problem holding onto his job is just not going to cut it for you. Rightly so. It just doesn't go with who you are.

[No_Go]

Precisely true for the first paragraph: my BF was my 2nd 1st date after the break up, I was scared to stay single in my situation back then and I know it was not fair to him. Of course later this motivation changed.

 

I do realize it is a guy thing. I'm concerned because this attitude I think made him lose employments and relocate in the past. Again, maybe it is not fair to judge him entirely based on past events, especially that they do not repeat now...

 

And yeah, I'm not thrilled from the possibility to start over at 32 (what I'd be in an year from now if I follow the 3-5 months timeline). Again talking about unfairness, I don't know if it will be fair to stick with him just because I'm too lazy/scared to start over and my biological clock is ticking. We'll need to talk, talk soon, and it will be indeed make/break, that's for sure.

 

Yes, what I bolded is exactly what I've been picking up on all along. Maybe you are only just now considering the real idea of your current guy as your partner, whereas before he was sort of the guy who was helping you escape? Unfortunately, if you did do that you didn't give your current guy the appropriate consideration that both of you deserved to get before you took it to it's current level. But hey, life never unfolds perfectly.

 

I think your therapist will be really helpful. I think if you can see the compromise stuff from a good point of view and be less rigid about what you expect and are getting, you will be more pleased with whoever. I have to say when you are talking factually about your guy, he sounds like a pretty good guy! And especially if you do have chemistry with him.

 

Even with the stuff you are annoyed by, some people would still be thrilled to get a guy who is day to day responsible. You see it as a bad thing that he is young at heart but I think that sounds great. I think in every relationship, people take on the stuff that each of them is better at. So you can do the long term financial planning. He might be relieved to have that off his hands as long as you stop bugging him about how sh*t he is at it. Perhaps it's not traditional but my mom does that--my dad's not bad at it but my mom's great at it.

 

I think some of the stuff about him you need to reframe and see it differently. There are still quite a few major issues to sort out though--ones where you just may never meet a point of compromise. You will resent him 1000 times more and vice versa if you feel like he's a dependent. What sort of ambition are you looking for exactly? I have to just be honest and cheeky--haven't you noticed that even many major male CEO's are playing games etc? I think it may just be a man's world vs a woman's world. They can get kinda far by networking over golf, trips, hanging out. Not to discount the hard work they also do--but that is a key component of their bonding and networking. I can give you 100's of examples of that from real life.

 

I know you say you are not ready to break up with him. My honest opinion is that you need to figure it out really soon. Purely thinking of you selfishly: there would be the un-entanglement since you live together, there would be feeling ready to date again AND then finding someone new that you like and is suitable. So if you wait 3-5 months to break up, you are looking at about a year until you start dating again; who knows how long it will take to find the RIGHT person and how long until you are at the point where that guy is ready to move forward and have kids, which you want. I'm getting anxiety for you just thinking about it and I'm never like that.

 

I just think you have virtually all the information you need. The only circumstance I would give it 3-5 months is if you talk to him in the next couple of weeks and use the 3-5 months to make a joint effort to see if you both can work on those major issues. My gut is that it shouldn't be this hard though. That said, relationships require work and personal growth. I just think it's obvious to everyone, including yourself if you are honest with yourself, that you are at the make or break moment now. Not break up necessarily but lay everything on the line. Ok, good luck.

[Versacehottie]

He's in a very specific engineering field... but still. From what he told me he did jump relatively quickly to new positions but still he had periods of 4 months or so in between. He also changed locations (cross country so many times because of that), that I was not sure that I want to date him for a long time from the fear he'll do this again. I made it clear i do NOT want to move.

 

From your previous post, we need to strike a log conversation pretty soon to redefine goals.

I have two objections:

1) I need a track record because of the issue above

2) Since we're not engaged/married, the subject for long term financial planning is tacky. I'm e.g. ready to buy a house myself, but I'm not sure how to handle this with him - e.g. if we're to stay together, I'd take his opinion (and eventual contribution) into consideration, else it is purely my choice what/where to buy. So I feel like there is a tricky conversation ahead (I don't want to sound to him like I'm pressuring for marriage: I'm definitely not even considering the possibility without a track record disproving my concerns).

 

Hmmm, that's weird. I don't know in the specific engineering field but in general, they cannot fill engineering positions fast enough. So he is either getting fired or quitting without another job (once ok but 4 other times!!!??). This would be a red flag definitely with how you see your life going.

 

Actually the last time we had a big discussion about him on another thread, I said it was out of place to discuss money with him because you were only his gf. I think if you live together a more serious commitment is implied, it's fine and more appropriate (although still tricky). Also he knows who you are and that you are goal oriented and that this is meant to be a serious relationship. Isn't it safe to assume that meant leading to marriage? The tricky part is not to look that you are pushing for it--as you are not even sure you want it!! Idk, you need to figure out how to do this talk. These are major issues pending--now with the new info of you wanting to buy a house, etc. I have some ideas of how to broach the subjects but maybe someone has something stronger than I do!

[bathtub-row]

While I haven't read all of the responses here, I've read a few. Honestly, I don't get what the problem is. So what if he's happy with where he is and prefers extracurricular activities and connecting with his friends to sitting at a desk all damn day and playing office politics? So what if he's not interested in living and breathing work? It sounds like he does well enough - actually, better than most (an engineering degree is no small thing) - and is content with his life. I personally think that's very admirable and good place to be.

 

If you want to run the rat race, I say go for it. But I think you should get it out of your head that you're somehow superior to him, and that he's immature. He is obviously the person that will bring creativity and fun into your life. If you're better with money, then handle that. But I think that, overall, he sounds like a great guy. You can't expect everyone to think like you, and you can't take a stance that somehow you're way is the only way.

Edited December 8, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Sunlight72]

Originally Posted by No_Go...Again talking about unfairness, I don't know if it will be fair to stick with him just because I'm too lazy/scared to start over and my biological clock is ticking. .

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

 

You want a man, BUT from much of what you have written here, You Do Not Want This Man. Please let him go.

 

The only way you will find Mr. Right For You is to make the space in your life for your Mr. Right by letting this guy go.

 

He is Not Your Mr. Right, he is your Mr. Right Now. That means that you are not, and will not be content with him, proud of him and have respect for him as a man.

 

It is Not Fair to him for you to keep stringing this out. You know now.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Sunlight72

[No_Go]

In is a red flag, no doubt. His past is full of these, although he insisted he worked hard to improve, I'm dead scared of relapses.

 

He's also a very bad communicator (with me) regarding money issues. I overheard him discussing with a friend how to improve his credit score, something he avoids at all costs sharing with me.

 

Also his recent statement: "there is no point worrying about money more than once a year because you can't save that fast"??!! I told him that he can save every day - received a puzzled look...

 

Any ideas how to approach the tricky subjects are very welcome! I'm clueless.

 

Marriage wise: he is very much into the idea that long dating is a waste, so I'm very scared he'll push in that direction especially if I bring up serious su guests like house purchasing. I'm sure he can't contribute in any case, because his current credit and savings are terrible (well, he just saved 1000 to spend on a cool gym omg), so it is even trickier how to approach

 

Hmmm, that's weird. I don't know in the specific engineering field but in general, they cannot fill engineering positions fast enough. So he is either getting fired or quitting without another job (once ok but 4 other times!!!??). This would be a red flag definitely with how you see your life going.

 

Actually the last time we had a big discussion about him on another thread, I said it was out of place to discuss money with him because you were only his gf. I think if you live together a more serious commitment is implied, it's fine and more appropriate (although still tricky). Also he knows who you are and that you are goal oriented and that this is meant to be a serious relationship. Isn't it safe to assume that meant leading to marriage? The tricky part is not to look that you are pushing for it--as you are not even sure you want it!! Idk, you need to figure out how to do this talk. These are major issues pending--now with the new info of you wanting to buy a house, etc. I have some ideas of how to broach the subjects but maybe someone has something stronger than I do!

[No_Go]

No problem if it was in conjunction with a wise planning ... which is just nonexistent issue for him

 

Also he's obviously annoyed with my lack of desire to "have fun": i.e. Devote time and money on useless in my opinion activities that I even do Not enjoy:(

 

While I haven't read all of the responses here, I've read a few. Honestly, I don't get what the problem is. So what if he's happy with where he is and prefers extracurricular activities and connecting with his friends to sitting at a desk all damn day and playing office politics? So what if he's not interested in living and breathing work? It sounds like he does well enough - actually, better than most (an engineering degree is no small thing) - and is content with his life. I personally think that's very admirable and good place to be.

 

If you want to run the rat race, I say go for it. But I think you should get it out of your head that you're somehow superior to him, and that he's immature. He is obviously the person that will bring creativity and fun into your life. If you're better with money, then handle that. But I think that, overall, he sounds like a great guy. You can't expect everyone to think like you, and you can't take a stance that somehow you're way is the only way.

[No_Go]

If he just pushes himself a bit he can be Mr Riggt. Else I'm able to love him but fail in my ability to respect him... or at least his lifestyle.

 

If we define roles allowing me to follow my dreams at least, we could be happy. But he wants ME to have "fun" too... Expressed it many times (eg that he's just dragging me around to places and I show no initiative and enjoyment - which is true btw)

 

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

It is Not Fair.

 

You want a man, BUT from much of what you have written here, You Do Not Want This Man. Please let him go.

 

The only way you will find Mr. Right For You is to make the space in your life for your Mr. Right by letting this guy go.

 

He is Not Your Mr. Right, he is your Mr. Right Now. That means that you are not, and will not be content with him, proud of him and have respect for him as a man.

 

It is Not Fair to him for you to keep stringing this out. You know now.

[oldshirt]

Ok! Answers are in order:

1-4, yes

5, yes, but if he doesn't like someone, he avoids them completely... Which I personally find very odd

6, yes, to specify though I'm his 1st relationship partner for over few months

7, yes, with the remark from 5 (disliked my former roommate and avoided her)

8, yes

9, no

10, no, he lost employment several times though (5 or so to my knowledge..)

11, no

12, no, see 6 though

13, no (to my knowledge at least)

14-15, no

16, yes

17, yes, but has unpaid (medical?) bills from the past and student loan

18-19, yes

 

Now I'm super curious how this adds up!

 

Let's go over some of your responses.

 

 

#5. That's just being a guy. Chicks do things with people they don't like and then bitch about them all the time. Guys don't waste time or energy with people they don't like.

Not a sign of immaturity or irresponsibility.

 

#6. Would you be happier if he had just split up with someone the day before you started dating? Then you'd be complaining he still had baggage from his ex.

Not a sign of immaturity/irresponsibility.

 

7. See # 5.

 

10. Was he terminated from several jobs for bad behavior/poor performance or was his position eliminated/laid off? Big difference. If he has been terminated multiple times for poor performance since the age of 25, that is a bona fide red flag.

 

#17. Student loans are often for 20 years and medical bills pop up unexpectedly months or ever a year after the date of service. What is pertinent here is is he making timely payments or is he in default?

 

If he is in default and things are being turned over to creditors, then that is a bona fide red flag. If he just has bills that he is still working on but is not in default or racking up service fees and interest due to not making timely, and appropriate payments, then simply having bills is not necessarily a sign of immaturity/irresponsibility.

[oldshirt]

IMHO for the most part it does not sound like he is not unreasonably immature or irresponsible. I think he's just not what you are looking for.

 

I think you want someone that's more ambitious and has more similar values and priorities to yourself.

 

I think his carefree and fun and friend oriented attitude is causing you to lose respect as a man for him.

 

This is actually a critical thing. A woman can't desire and treat a man she doesn't respect well. In time your disrespect for him will grow to toxic levels and you will become hypercritical of him and will lose desire and attraction for him.

 

My opinion is if you really don't think he is mature enough and forward thinking enough and ambitious enough, you should seriously considering ending this gracefully now rather than waiting for things to really turn bad and split up with drama and hurt feelings and bad blood.

[No_Go]

Thanks! Lo loans and being fired are bright red flags from what you described

 

Don't know details about getting fired, but 3or 4 out of 5 are terminations. Loans - he stopped paying a couple of years ago, plans to start again but... It is mind boggling! We have similar expenses and salaries, I safe easily a couple of thousand per month, and he somehow can't afford covering his remaining 10K or so, which for me would be 5 months without any effort in my calculation.... Makes me think I'm missing something in the picture.

 

What is your honest opinion for maturity with the identified red flags?

 

Let's go over some of your responses.

 

 

#5. That's just being a guy. Chicks do things with people they don't like and then bitch about them all the time. Guys don't waste time or energy with people they don't like.

Not a sign of immaturity or irresponsibility.

 

#6. Would you be happier if he had just split up with someone the day before you started dating? Then you'd be complaining he still had baggage from his ex.

Not a sign of immaturity/irresponsibility.

 

7. See # 5.

 

10. Was he terminated from several jobs for bad behavior/poor performance or was his position eliminated/laid off? Big difference. If he has been terminated multiple times for poor performance since the age of 25, that is a bona fide red flag.

 

#17. Student loans are often for 20 years and medical bills pop up unexpectedly months or ever a year after the date of service. What is pertinent here is is he making timely payments or is he in default?

 

If he is in default and things are being turned over to creditors, then that is a bona fide red flag. If he just has bills that he is still working on but is not in default or racking up service fees and interest due to not making timely, and appropriate payments, then simply having bills is not necessarily a sign of immaturity/irresponsibility.

[Rydo]

Does it really matter who thinks he is immature or not? All that really matters is that you are clearly not right for each other.