I think I made a big mistake

[remorseful_tab]

Okay, let's tone down the arrogance a bit. There is nothing that you've mentioned that is exceptional:confused:.

 

I don't understand people who think that they deserve commendation for basic things. Have I missed something or has the standard fallen so drastically that someone actually wants credit for laundry and cooking, appreciation maybe, but these are basic "skills" that anyone should be able to do.

 

Taking your family responsibilities seriously and allowing him to see his son? Yeah, you're supposed to do that. Why would you not allow him to see your (plural) son or want to keep a clean and healthy environment?

 

Apologizing for one's wrongdoings? That's basic decent human behaviour.

 

Your husband not initiating sex and rejecting you over the years, that's the result of cheating on someone. It changes how they feel about you, it affects their attraction to you and can turn them off you.

 

You may have come back from your affair but he didn't. You being "submissive" during the separation process is because you're not an entirely unreasonable person and because you don't want to divorce. Therefore your compliance is so that you assuage him and don't aggitate the situation further, it's basically how some people try to 'nice' their spouse out of affairs.

 

You're still willing to take him back after the months of "hell" that he has put you through:eek:. You had an affair for sixteen months, that was his hell and he stayed with you and his was a much longer and uncertain one. Yours involved treating him badly, blindsiding him, deception and his wife being in love with another man and sleeping with him. I honestly don't think your hell now compares to his then, yours is just recent and affects you. Your affair may have happened eight years ago but it still happened, it still affected him, it was traumatic and caused him pain, anger, resentment and a host of other emotions.

 

I will control my urge to say "Sod off mate. Take a jog" because you really know nothing of the things I did in the 8 years since A to prove to him how much I loved him, how sorry I was, how hurt I was to see him in pain and how much I hate myself for what I did.

 

Though I shouldn't grace your hurtful post with an answer but you really think the last 5 months were easy? Comeback when your wife/husband announces out of the blue that they were leaving and then stonewall you for the next 5 months regarding trying to save the marriage.

 

Affair or not, I am a human for f@#k's sake! And a damn well wife and mother whose family was everything to her for last 8 years. When that is taken away I am not suppose to feel like a wreck because I have cheated? (Oh who am I asking! you will probably answer this question with a "yes")

 

And I see you have conveniently left our the portion of my enthusiasm to f@#k my husband. Only harping on about how he rejected me and how unattractive I was to him.

 

Just so you know he growled like a tiger when I was doing him

[remorseful_tab]

You think you did so much, but you never made him feel safe. So now after your ONS, do what the posters say. Move on, Enjoy other men. Stop saying you love your husband and want him back. And Honestly, based on your recent post.

 

Yes he can.

 

Yes I still love him. And yes, he won't find anyone better than the current me. You know why? Let me tell you why

 

He was through a bike accident that left his anterior labnum (kind of a ligament) in the right shoulder partially torn. Its called a Bankert's Tear. So what happens? Sometimes due o sudden jerk or movement, his right shoulder gets dislocated. Extremely painful but that shoulder can again be put back in the socket. But when it happens for the next 3-4 days his arm is tied to his neck by a sling.

 

A simple surgery would solve this. But he never took that surgery (and no he is not affair of scissors and needles) despite me pleading with him several time.

So when his arm is tied to the sling, he cannot eat by himself, dress by himself, bathe by himself. So who does this motherly job for him? ME!

 

I have fed him with my own arm, washed his head, got him dressed every f@#king time! Like his mother! If this is not love, tell me what is?

[66Charger]

Whatever you did it wasnt what he needed. Sometimes there is something so basic that would have fixed the situation, but it just didnt happen. I really had hope for you RT, but sometimes we just dont do the right thing and it catches up to us. I agree with most posters now. There is no point in being angry any more. Truly sad for the both of you. Divorce and move on.

[HopeForTomorrow]

First I have to clarify my earlier post in this thread - I had been divorced for several months before having a ONS. In your case, however, having to wait 2 years for the paperwork, and the fact that he has moved on - I don't see any reason for you not to move on too. Just not ONS's - that was the point I was trying to make.

 

I also have to say that I agree with WE that your last few posts are quite a bit different than your earlier ones. In your most recent posts your attitude is that you did everything you could think of and it SHOULD have been enough for him. The fact is, he was not ever obligated for anything you did to be enough. So to be indignant that he didn't just get over it because you tried so hard - is NOT remorse. You can't expect him to get over something like what you did and then get upset when he couldn't. Many people couldn't (I wouldn't be able to). So while you did all you could, the fact that it wasn't enough is NOT on him. It just IS.

 

If he is catching wind of the tone/attitude that is coming through in your posts, that might be why he's keeping his distance. In his place I would not want to be 'expected' to 'get over it'.

 

Just something to think about.

[sandylee1]

*sarcasm* Yay me! How noble of him. I get to be a spinster at the fine age of 39 (closing to 40) and I am free on my own. How lucky I am!

 

 

 

Thank you Sandy! I understand you are really trying to comfort me. But he is never coming back. Its better for me to accept it than build castles in the cloud.

 

 

RT,

 

Please don't think you can't bag yourself a guy at 40. My good friend is older than you (44) and after divorce with 2 kids..... she's got a really nice BF. She is so loved up after 2 years with him. Loads of woman haven't been married once at your age and that bio clock is ticking away.... I know you don't want to think that way but you are a lot better off than many people.

 

And.... let me say that it is setting you free and himself off course. I've had BHs say when they have sex with their WW/FWW, that they have to zone out and imagine it's someone else...that they use her like a receptacle, because even though the sex is off the walls/swinging from the chandeliers/tiger in the bed sex.....the Trust is gone for good.

 

You really really don't want that.

 

One even told me that whilst he liked the sex.... he could tell it was different and that she obviously learned the new technique (BJ) from the OM..........don't underestimate what a BH goes through...... and there's one sure way to deflate a man..that's knocking his sexual performance or saying you're getting better from your AP.

 

Every time you did those wild exciting things in bed... he was probably thinking that you were doing what you did with the OM ...so yes he growled like a tiger........but his mind coulda been elsewhere. Many BHs think their wife is visualising they are with the OM, as they watch them go from good sex to mind blowing sex.

The BHs trigger and think their wife is faking it...it causes a loss of sexual confidence....that's part of why he backed off initiating sex.

 

Just something I've noticed...... I see that you went out of your way to give him the best sex after the A........ it doesn't come over like he overly satisfied you in that area. ......it's like you sacrificed your pleasure to make him feel like a king in the last 8 years sexually.

I could be wrong...but it's just a feeling I get from reading between the lines.

 

We can't change the past ....just settle down and gather yourself together . In time ...... you'll feel better.

[remorseful_tab]

And.... let me say that it is setting you free and himself off course. I've had BHs say when they have sex with their WW/FWW, that they have to zone out and imagine it's someone else...that they use her like a receptacle, because even though the sex is off the walls/swinging from the chandeliers/tiger in the bed sex.....the Trust is gone for good.

 

One even told me that whilst he liked the sex.... he could tell it was different and that she obviously learned the new technique (BJ) from the OM..........don't underestimate what a BH goes through...... and there's one sure way to deflate a man..that's knocking his sexual performance or saying you're getting better from your AP.

 

Every time you did those wild exciting things in bed... he was probably thinking that you were doing what you did with the OM ...so yes he growled like a tiger........but his mind coulda been elsewhere. Many BHs think their wife is visualising they are with the OM, as they watch them go from good sex to mind blowing sex.

The BHs trigger and think their wife is faking it...it causes a loss of sexual confidence....that's part of why he backed off initiating sex.

 

This part hit me hard. I am shaking. But it doesn't matter now. Its water under the bridge. Its gone.

 

But I would still like to point out a thing. As I have said before, I never did anything with the OM that I did not do with my husband. And after the A I never did anything new with him, just the things that we did before but still they were mindblowing when it happened. I just loved doing him and couldn't get enough of him.

Sure our sex life suffered during my A and the few months after when I was detoxing, but it again resumed to the pre-A amazing sex. Although this time it was me completely who was initiating. And I was totally okay with that.

 

Just something I've noticed...... I see that you went out of your way to give him the best sex after the A........ it doesn't come over like he overly satisfied you in that area. ......it's like you sacrificed your pleasure to make him feel like a king in the last 8 years sexually.

 

Actually no, pre-A our sex life was just as awesome. He was still a king to me then.

 

Post-A, I did not feel like I was sacrificing my pleasure. He responded if I took the initiative. You know like coming in from behind and grabbing his you know "what", suddenly sitting on his lap and start kissing, etc. If I started, he would then he definitely took care of my pleasure.

[OldRover]

FWIW...

 

At 40, one is still in the desirable range and no problem finding a man. However, as women get older, they have a significant disadvantage and it gets harder and harder. Much over 50 or so, and one would have to be reasonably attractive... good weight and grooming habits, good with conversation, and personality.

 

The men die off sooner, so there's less of them. And the older men generally find a younger woman.

 

I know dozens of nice women in their 50s 60s and 70s that will probably never have a partner. Some are quite wealthy, and really nice people.... but they don't get the dates. They are overweight, and not real attractive, and the men just bypass them for the younger ones. The men in that age group have an advantage.

[sandylee1]

This part hit me hard. I am shaking. But it doesn't matter now. Its water under the bridge. Its gone.

 

But I would still like to point out a thing. As I have said before, I never did anything with the OM that I did not do with my husband. And after the A I never did anything new with him, just the things that we did before but still they were mindblowing when it happened. I just loved doing him and couldn't get enough of him.

Sure our sex life suffered during my A and the few months after when I was detoxing, but it again resumed to the pre-A amazing sex. Although this time it was me completely who was initiating. And I was totally okay with that.

 

 

 

Actually no, pre-A our sex life was just as awesome. He was still a king to me then.

 

Post-A, I did not feel like I was sacrificing my pleasure. He responded if I took the initiative. You know like coming in from behind and grabbing his you know "what", suddenly sitting on his lap and start kissing, etc. If I started, he would then he definitely took care of my pleasure.

 

So he tried his best just as you did?

 

I think what you're saying is.. if he left back then..you'd have been a better catch for another guy..right? I doubt he thought he'd stick around then drop the bombshell to make it harder for you to find someone else. You've still got it though........you got a guy the other night. I know it was a ONS.

 

Sometimes landmark birthdays also prompt action. Many BSs have expressed dread when it comes round to a milestone birthday.

 

 

Sorry - I didn't mean to trigger you with the technique comment..

 

Medicine after death ..........but ........

 

You're saying your sex life was great before the A.... but you liked the affair sex better as you previously said...right?

 

You may have done the same stuff with the OM.....but you became more of the aggressor in initiating the sex.... so that would have felt different to him. That mind blowing difference being specifically linked to /associated with your A. I think you being out of the affair ......and being back into/connected to your H...made you different......you would have felt different to him.

 

Anyway...... it's like flogging a dead horse..but you get my drift.

 

Now and again I totally ramp it up to give my H absolute pleasure.... that feels different to him.

 

I'm jusr trying to play devils advocate so you can see it from your H's POV.

 

Que sera sera............. .....

[Horton]

*sarcasm* Yay me! How noble of him. I get to be a spinster at the fine age of 39 (closing to 40) and I am free on my own. How lucky I am!

 

Do you feel like he's punishing you by getting a divorce? It seems like that's how you're reacting to it as if he's wronged you somehow. As far as why you're feeling regret about your ONS, it sounds like you acted rather impulsively, almost self sabotaging. From reading your previous threads it's clear you truly believed that there was still a chance(however small) that he would realize that he made a mistake and he'd come back to you some day, but it's almost like you couldn't bear the waiting and the uncertainty any longer so you did the one thing you knew would finally end any hope that he will come back to you.

 

It's also possible that some of your current frustration is that you believe that if/when he finds out about the ONS he'll feel as though his decision to divorce you has been proven right. Now whether that's fair of him or not is another discussion, but I would say it's almost a certainty that he'll feel vindicated by this, even if he never tells you that. Perhaps a part of you feels that he was testing you by giving you 'permission' to see other people as a way of finding out if all of that "I'll do anything/wait for however long it takes." FWS talk was just a bunch of hot air and now you believe that you've failed the test and he'll have his answer.

 

I could be way off base, but that's the impression I got from what you wrote.

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited November 21, 2015 by 66Charger

[bigman1]

I forgot to say the following: Your ONS will not be the end of you. He told you that you were free to have relations. He meant it.

 

Maybe it was a test, but of course, he would not be with other women. In short, he would tell you to get with other men and he would get with other women, but he would not be with any woman at all and would be watching to see what you did. Here, he got with other women and did so openly. That's not a test. Only the most sick, twisted, and odd BS would do that. I think he meant it.

 

He's most likely not coming back. To come after you 25-30 times in 8 years shows that he was really dying inside. To dump you on the anniversary shows that he was looking to make a point. Your letter about OM was most likely the end. Maybe he could have gotten over the betrayal, but to read what he took as your innermost and most truthful thoughts about OM killed this relationship.

 

He's not coming back. If he does, your most recent ONS is not going to end it. Heck, if you told him that you did it out of revenge, anger, or whatever because you were destroyed by him leaving you after 8 years, hooking up with other women, and sleeping with you and then avoiding you (sexually) right after, he's understand that.

 

Time to move on. I don't hold any sympathy for WS's. Still, if you want a chance, go ahead and come clean now. cry, beg, snivel, grovel, vomit, show your shame at the most recent thing and then focus on that cursed letter that you wrote. Focus on how you felt and feel about him, your sex life, the mindblowing aspect of it and about you two as a unit. If he tells you that its done, then its done.

 

Don't talk about your merits. You have earned nothing. You need his grace, you need his mercy, you need his forgiveness. AFter you tell him how you feel, then tell him why you are a safe bet. Tell him what you have learned. Tell him why he is the only option for you. Tell him why he shoudl know that your innermost thoughts are to him. He needs to hear that you don't hold on to any thoughts, memories, or anything about OM. He needs to know how you feel about what was in that letter.

 

If he says it's over. Then it is over. At that point, work on being a good co-parent. In short, you have one final time to convince him and assure him and affirm him. After that, its done. I can't wish you luck, as that suggests that I sympathize with you. Instead, I wish you all the best for all involved.

[sandylee1]

Bigman , I don't see the point of apologising for the ONS. She's free to do what she wants. She's gone through all the analysis and as you said..along with many others. ...is that the soft copy of the letter did it.

 

Now many say he should have left 8 years ago...but for the sake of their son he didn't. Can't fault him for that.

During reconciliation the BS goes through lots of different thoughts....you hope that over time they will go or at least fade....but sometimes that doesn't happen. So you tell yourself to give it another 6 months or another year. You see it said that it takes up to 5 years to heal....so you keep hanging in there......but for some BSs it doesn't fade away enough and is in their mind every single day. Some will see a therapist on the quiet and eventually figure out. ..they can't continue.

 

What you (RT) saw as making it up to him and showing love in the sex area......... might have just triggered him ....... when the words of what you wrote sprung to his mind.

 

And honestly he would have thought if you felt the sex was awesome with him.....you wouldn't have strayed in the first place. What's done is done

 

Oh and by the way ......as you are both 'free' to date, I don't see why you should both tell each other about who you've been with in this time....if you were to get back together. There's way too much discussion of what people do when seperated or when single and it just causes problems.

[oldshirt]

I forgot to say the following: Your ONS will not be the end of you. He told you that you were free to have relations. He meant it.

 

Maybe it was a test, but of course, he would not be with other women. In short, he would tell you to get with other men and he would get with other women, but he would not be with any woman at all and would be watching to see what you did. Here, he got with other women and did so openly. That's not a test. Only the most sick, twisted, and odd BS would do that. I think he meant it.

 

He's most likely not coming back. To come after you 25-30 times in 8 years shows that he was really dying inside. To dump you on the anniversary shows that he was looking to make a point. Your letter about OM was most likely the end. Maybe he could have gotten over the betrayal, but to read what he took as your innermost and most truthful thoughts about OM killed this relationship.

 

He's not coming back. If he does, your most recent ONS is not going to end it. Heck, if you told him that you did it out of revenge, anger, or whatever because you were destroyed by him leaving you after 8 years, hooking up with other women, and sleeping with you and then avoiding you (sexually) right after, he's understand that.

 

Time to move on. I don't hold any sympathy for WS's. Still, if you want a chance, go ahead and come clean now. cry, beg, snivel, grovel, vomit, show your shame at the most recent thing and then focus on that cursed letter that you wrote. Focus on how you felt and feel about him, your sex life, the mindblowing aspect of it and about you two as a unit. If he tells you that its done, then its done.

 

Don't talk about your merits. You have earned nothing. You need his grace, you need his mercy, you need his forgiveness. AFter you tell him how you feel, then tell him why you are a safe bet. Tell him what you have learned. Tell him why he is the only option for you. Tell him why he shoudl know that your innermost thoughts are to him. He needs to hear that you don't hold on to any thoughts, memories, or anything about OM. He needs to know how you feel about what was in that letter.

 

If he says it's over. Then it is over. At that point, work on being a good co-parent. In short, you have one final time to convince him and assure him and affirm him. After that, its done. I can't wish you luck, as that suggests that I sympathize with you. Instead, I wish you all the best for all involved.

 

 

 

Aw f#*k that. He's a grown man and he knows what his options are. If he wanted to be married to her, all he would have to do is not divorce.

 

 

And she's a grown woman, there's no reason for her to grovel and accept worms for breakfast. The first day he announced he was leaving, she stated clearly she did not want the divorce and offered counseling and offered to work on the marriage. That was good enough, she did her part. He walked out anyway, so no need for her to grovel any further.

 

 

He packed his bags and moved on so there is not one reason on God's Green Earth that she shouldn't do the same.

[oldshirt]

And I said this in RT's very first thread, couples split up at the 11 year mark all the time, even if there wasn't any prior infidelity. He had to state some kind of reason for walking so might as well point the finger at her affair 8 years prior but who knows the real reason. Maybe he didn't like the color of her hair or nail polish. Maybe the squeal in her voice when she laughs has been wearing on him for a decade. Maybe he just wanted a change of scenery and to hit the reset button on his life and do something completely different in his new life and didn't want her a daily part of it. Maybe he just wants to sit on the couch in his underwear and play Xbox for entire days at a time and just doesn't want her bitching about it. Maybe he doesn't even know why he wants out, he just does.

 

 

He knows he could have stayed in the marriage and he probably knows he can come back. He's choosing to keep moving on with his new life anyway. His reasoning doesn't really matter now anyway.

 

 

He's released her. She is free to do as she wants as an adult, single woman who still has responsibilities and obligations as a single parent. But she has no further responsibilities or obligations to him as a spouse. She needs to release him and more importantly release herself now as well.

[oldshirt]

And those implying that RT won't have many dating options or options going forward - poppycock!

 

 

Here is what a 40 year old, single mother will have trouble getting on the dating/marriage market. Unless she is cover girl model material, a 40 year old, single mother will have trouble getting a 28-35 year old, single, never-married, no kids, tall, buff, handsome, rising executive that can get a 25 year old, hard bodied, never married/no kids female.

 

 

Other than that, as long as she is not obese and gross and completely socially awkward, then RT would have no trouble getting a reasonably attractive, gainfully employed, professional that is in an age-appropriate age range for her and will likely be divorced and coparenting some kids of his own.

 

 

There are millions of 35-50 year old, professional, attractive, divorced men with kids that would have no qualms whatsoever of dating a 40 year old, divorced mother.

 

 

As a plus, RT only has one son who I believe is around 10 years old. Compared to many 40 year old single mothers, that is no where near the baggage of most.

 

 

She'll have no trouble on the dating market in her age range.

[OldRover]

And those implying that RT won't have many dating options or options going forward - poppycock!

 

 

Here is what a 40 year old, single mother will have trouble getting on the dating/marriage market. Unless she is cover girl model material, a 40 year old, single mother will have trouble getting a 28-35 year old, single, never-married, no kids, tall, buff, handsome, rising executive that can get a 25 year old, hard bodied, never married/no kids female.

 

 

Other than that, as long as she is not obese and gross and completely socially awkward, then RT would have no trouble getting a reasonably attractive, gainfully employed, professional that is in an age-appropriate age range for her and will likely be divorced and coparenting some kids of his own.

 

 

There are millions of 35-50 year old, professional, attractive, divorced men with kids that would have no qualms whatsoever of dating a 40 year old, divorced mother.

 

 

As a plus, RT only has one son who I believe is around 10 years old. Compared to many 40 year old single mothers, that is no where near the baggage of most.

 

 

She'll have no trouble on the dating market in her age range.

 

That's pretty true... lots of prospects out there now, but as time goes on, unless she's outstanding, the odds decrease dramatically. Especially in another 10 years or so. Now, can she find the right guy in 10 years? Who knows.... probably. But it WILL take effort.

 

Also, while unlikely, it's totally possible that her ex will come back. I've seen it after a divorce and separation for a few years. However, there's an argument to still proceed like it ain't gonna happen... and if it does, there's choices to make.

[bigman1]

Look, I think that her husband is done and gone. I'm surprised it took him 8 years. I really am. My points were to address her most recent posts.

 

AS to groveling, etc., she's the one who feels that learning of her most recent encounter would be the final nail. Fine. Grovel. Do what you think you have to do. Grovel. Heck, get angry and fight. Go Jerry Springer or Jeremy Kyle type crazy. Break stuff and demand that he take her back. It doesn't matter. If she doesn't want a divorce, she has to leave it all on the field.

 

If I had cheated on my wife, this is what I would do. I would not deserve a second chance, but I sure as hell would fight like my life depended on it to get one. After that, I'd accept that it was over and move on. Before the final order was signed, and maybe for a bit after that, I'd do it. Why not?

 

As for her being old. Come on. 39, Divorced with a kid. Tough? Yes. Having a kid used to be a big problem, but now its so common to meet a single mom that it won't be a problem.

 

summary: She wants it bad, so she better exhaust everything.

[OldRover]

Look, I think that her husband is done and gone. I'm surprised it took him 8 years. I really am. My points were to address her most recent posts.

 

AS to groveling, etc., she's the one who feels that learning of her most recent encounter would be the final nail. Fine. Grovel. Do what you think you have to do. Grovel. Heck, get angry and fight. Go Jerry Springer or Jeremy Kyle type crazy. Break stuff and demand that he take her back. It doesn't matter. If she doesn't want a divorce, she has to leave it all on the field.

 

If I had cheated on my wife, this is what I would do. I would not deserve a second chance, but I sure as hell would fight like my life depended on it to get one. After that, I'd accept that it was over and move on. Before the final order was signed, and maybe for a bit after that, I'd do it. Why not?

 

As for her being old. Come on. 39, Divorced with a kid. Tough? Yes. Having a kid used to be a big problem, but now its so common to meet a single mom that it won't be a problem.

 

summary: She wants it bad, so she better exhaust everything.

 

As to getting him back, there's tons of good info on how to do that... it's a science and it may work, but certainly not 100%.

 

As for 8 years, there's lots of people that take a lot longer than that, and there's something just holding them together... it's just not bad enough, or he would have been gone the first year.

 

And as for deserving of a chance, we are all prone to mistakes, and it the partner forgives, then there's a chance... that's pretty much a personal matter between the partners. It all depends, some would bail out in a second, and other would fight hard for a mending of the marriage.

 

And, you're right, not old "yet".... but the clock IS ticking and she does not have the luxury of time on her side.

[remorseful_tab]

The man I had an ONS with again called me to go out this weekend. I politely refused him that I was not ready for the dating scene because of the new separation from husband and pending divorce. Though I put him down gently by saying that although it was great with him the night we shared. When I was ready sometime later, I would definitely give him a call. He has the first rights to a date with me when I am again back on the dating scene.

[LoveMachine67]

The man I had an ONS with again called me to go out this weekend. I politely refused him that I was not ready for the dating scene because of the new separation from husband and pending divorce. Though I put him down gently by saying that although it was great with him the night we shared. When I was ready sometime later, I would definitely give him a call. He has the first rights to a date with me when I am again back on the dating scene.

 

 

Good for you RT!

 

Please do move on with your life when you are ready... the sooner the better.