I think I made a big mistake

[jbrent890]

And how in any way was that information supposed to help the OP?

She is heart broken and has just been told her husband is seeing some other woman.

A little compassion needed perhaps here?

They are not yet divorced and they have had sex recently too, so if the info is correct about his OW, he is in effect cheating on her and I guess, why he did such a u-turn and wanted a divorce in the first place.

 

Is that good? NO it isn't.

 

Elaine, I'm not trying to beat the OP up. Not once in my post did I say that you are getting what you deserved. She is worried that this relationship was going on while they were together and I explained why I think it wasn't. Remember Sophie's story? Her husband had sex with her and was hooking up with other women as well before they were actually divorced. The point I'm making and that other posters have made as well is that when a man is ready to move on, he will. Not to mention, Remorseful's husband did not initiate sex with her, she did. I'm sorry if my post doesn't agree with your notion. But isn't that the point of this site? To express different opinions in respectful manner (which I think I did do. Again, no where in my post did I put her down). I offered a different perspective and explained why I felt that way.

[goodyblue]

The OP has been reconciled for 8 long years, he had 8 years to walk away. But no, he storms out and asks for a divorce now, and I think we all know why.

It is no coincidence, he and his OW are now being seen in public.

 

You know, in a recent thread someone posted that their spouse had an affair like... 7 years ago, and OP was only now leaving and blaming the affair. I argued you can not reconcile with your partner for that long and then blame the affair. I was tarred and feathered for it because according to most BS's, you can be mad forever. Divorce 20 years later, still blame the affair. Totally acceptable. I'm trying to figure out what the difference is because now, when it is the spouse of OP, the tune changes? Seems like a double standard... this guy could have begun dating this woman after he left. You are assuming much.

 

Regardless, he has clearly moved on and he most likely won't want to work things out with OP because the woman he is with now doesn't have the baggage of a longer relationship, it's all new and exciting.

[understand50]

You know, in a recent thread someone posted that their spouse had an affair like... 7 years ago, and OP was only now leaving and blaming the affair. I argued you can not reconcile with your partner for that long and then blame the affair. I was tarred and feathered for it because according to most BS's, you can be mad forever. Divorce 20 years later, still blame the affair. Totally acceptable. I'm trying to figure out what the difference is because now, when it is the spouse of OP, the tune changes? Seems like a double standard... this guy could have begun dating this woman after he left. You are assuming much.

 

Regardless, he has clearly moved on and he most likely won't want to work things out with OP because the woman he is with now doesn't have the baggage of a longer relationship, it's all new and exciting.

 

Goodyblue,

 

I think it was remorseful, thread, and I agreed with you, and also got a lot of flack. Yes, I think time does limit playing the "you cheated" card. In any case he should have been much more up front with remorseful on why he decided to leave.

 

My concern here is trying to give her advice she can use now, if she wants to use it. I understand the deep down she still has some hope, and hearing he is with someone new is painful. Sadly, only time will dull this. In the mean time, remorseful, should remember, that while she owns the affair, both her and her husband should own the rest of the things that have gone wrong. It is not all her fault, and she should have someone tell her that, past the standard "you cheated, so everything done against is OK" shot. It is not. She should only accept what she did, and not wear the actions of others. Her husband could have been much more open on his feeling and unhappiness, and not blind side her with this divorce.

 

Remorseful, as for your hope that he still may come back to you, keep it. There is always hope, just please do not let this define and limit you from finding love and happiness for yourself.

[goodyblue]

Goodyblue,

 

I think it was remorseful, thread, and I agreed with you, and also got a lot of flack. Yes, I think time does limit playing the "you cheated" card. In any case he should have been much more up front with remorseful on why he decided to leave.

 

My concern here is trying to give her advice she can use now, if she wants to use it. I understand the deep down she still has some hope, and hearing he is with someone new is painful. Sadly, only time will dull this. In the mean time, remorseful, should remember, that while she owns the affair, both her and her husband should own the rest of the things that have gone wrong. It is not all her fault, and she should have someone tell her that, past the standard "you cheated, so everything done against is OK" shot. It is not. She should only accept what she did, and not wear the actions of others. Her husband could have been much more open on his feeling and unhappiness, and not blind side her with this divorce.

 

Remorseful, as for your hope that he still may come back to you, keep it. There is always hope, just please do not let this define and limit you from finding love and happiness for yourself.

 

Well, that makes sense then. I just think the double standard is silly.

 

As far as the pain... it's a horrible thing. But we do live. We get through it. Time is a healer. As much pain as OP is in, I r, eally feel the best way to move is forward to find someone who loves her and whom she loves fully without the games. Happiness can be had, but it's not a destination, not the final thing... it's seeing the good things everywhere, being in the moment, appreciate the people around you who love you and giving it back. I think OP will be okay.

[ShatteredLady]

I haven't read all of your other posts so I'm sorry if I'm a bit off target.

 

It sounds like you would want to cancel the divorce proceedings & work on your marriage. It seems that secrets & lies got you into this position in the first place. Why not invite your husband to dinner. Cook his favorite meal & have an open & honest conversation about all of this? Isn't that better than forever wondering if things would of been different if you'd said more after you guys had sex? I don't believe that every man just has sex because he can! He replied to you & said lovely things. Why not just be open & vulnerable & HONEST? It doesn't seem like you have a lot to loose at this point. Best of luck ;-)

[oldshirt]

I haven't read all of your other posts so I'm sorry if I'm a bit off target.

 

It sounds like you would want to cancel the divorce proceedings & work on your marriage. It seems that secrets & lies got you into this position in the first place. Why not invite your husband to dinner. Cook his favorite meal & have an open & honest conversation about all of this? Isn't that better than forever wondering if things would of been different if you'd said more after you guys had sex? I don't believe that every man just has sex because he can! He replied to you & said lovely things. Why not just be open & vulnerable & HONEST? It doesn't seem like you have a lot to loose at this point. Best of luck ;-)

 

Read the other threads. She's spent months trying to talk to him and has tried everything but voodoo and magic pixie dust to get back together.

 

A dinner and more "talk" isn't going to change his mind.

[bigman1]

While I do not think a cheater deserves a second chance, that does not mean that you can't earn one in your relationship. Even though it goes against my belief, I want to offer you a suggestion.

 

I think that you are making a mistake giving in so easily on divorce. That is not the same as saying that the details cannot be worked out amicably, if needed.

 

I think that you need to fight for the chance that you want. I have read on other sites from a number of BH's who really wanted their WW's to put the same passion into fighting for the M as they did in pursuing their affair and longing for their AP.

 

As much as it goes against my feelings, I have to say, I think that if you want another chance, you are going to have to go hard with the "I love you's", "Please don't leave me", "I was a fool", "can't you see that I am dying", stuff. You must tell him that even though you don't deserve him, you want him and more importantly you want him to want you. You gotta do the pick me dance. You must atone. You must figure out what had bothered him from the beginning and do your best to convince him that you want him and only him.

 

Here is the thing. Sex is not going to do it. I anticipate that some will tell you to give him all the wild freaky stuff he could ever ask for at any moment and to compromise your integrity. I say, bollocks to that. (I figured I'd use a British phrase) Sex is fine, but you've been having that for 8 years. That is not the issue.

 

You must "untaint" yourself. You have to make it clear that he is not plan B or that you are with him because of the kids. he has to feel that you rejected all that you THOUGHT the OM was and realize all that you KNOW your H to be. You have to go back to that letter that he found and systematically destroy every thought that you expressed for OM. How you do that, that's beyond my pay grade at this point.

 

If I were him, you would have to convince me that those feelings were false. You believed them at the time, but when endorphins and fantasy land kick in, it seemed real. Still, you dropped OM. yeah, you had to detox because you were committed to detoxing because you realized that your feelings were not true. If I felt that my wife longed for another man but decided to stay with me, I'd end it.

 

If he feels that you chose him because it was the responsible thing to do, well, you are done. He can find a woman who WANTS him. I mean a woman who says "even if you had no money, no job, no house, I want you because you are sexy and can do me like no other and I love you." If you don't do it, some other woman will, because she does and he believes her. You wrote words of similar import about your OM.

 

It might not work and honestly, I feel like you deserve it. But, if you want a second chance, you have to fight for it, make it and take it. Seriously, fight like you want to win otherwise, prepare to lose. Good luck to you.

[elaine567]

Elaine, I'm not trying to beat the OP up. Not once in my post did I say that you are getting what you deserved.

 

No, but you were quite happy to inform her of this lovely "fact".

You essentially said, "Sorry dear, but due to your age, on the dating scene you are basically worthless, but your husband is pure gold, he will be knee deep in options from women, so you had better just get used to it."

 

Now if that isn't a kick in the teeth to the OP then what is? Is that you truly trying to help her?

I know you are triggering here, but she doesn't deserve this, after 8 long years of reconciliation and then this out of the blue divorce filed by her husband and pending, and now we have him seen out with an OW.

[jbrent890]

No, but you were quite happy to inform her of this lovely "fact".

You essentially said, "Sorry dear, but due to your age, on the dating scene you are basically worthless, but your husband is pure gold, he will be knee deep in options from women, so you had better just get used to it."

 

Now if that isn't a kick in the teeth to the OP then what is? Is that you truly trying to help her?

I know you are triggering here, but she doesn't deserve this, after 8 long years of reconciliation and then this out of the blue divorce filed by her husband and pending, and now we have him seen out with an OW.

 

Goodness gracious Elaine. Not once did I say any of the things that you said in your post. And if anyone is triggering or getting overly sensitive here, its you. You said that this new relationship has probably being going on for sometime and I simply stated why I don't think it has. The fact is men find new partners faster after divorce. I'm sorry I'm not jumping on the bandwagon that he is being cheating on her as well. Obviously this woman's story has struck a chord with you because most of your posts in this thread have been exceedingly emotional. Again, not once did I beat her up and say any of things that you said I did. That is you reading far more into my post than required. Relax.

[understand50]

Goodness gracious Elaine. Not once did I say any of the things that you said in your post. And if anyone is triggering or getting overly sensitive here, its you. You said that this new relationship has probably being going on for sometime and I simply stated why I don't think it has. The fact is men find new partners faster after divorce. I'm sorry I'm not jumping on the bandwagon that he is being cheating on her as well. Obviously this woman's story has struck a chord with you because most of your posts in this thread have been exceedingly emotional. Again, not once did I beat her up and say any of things that you said I did. That is you reading far more into my post than required. Relax.

 

jbrent,

 

I do not think you are trying to be insensitive, and maybe the OP needs to hear this, but is this the advise you would give to a sister, aunt, mother, female friend in a similar situation? ? We all must remember that Remorseful_tab is a real live person, and what ever she may have done in the past, her life and the life of her son is changing for the worst. What got to many of us, is the 8 years between the affair and now the divorce, we feel she was a woman who was trying to make amends, and now has seen all her efforts come to not. She is hoping against hope that maybe he will come back to her. At this time, I think we should work on what she has asked for, and answer the question - Was this cheating? If he is involved with this other woman, in my book yes. Does this help in remorseful_tab's hope for reconciliation? No. Should she confront him? No, I do not think it will do any good, and may hurt any slight chance she may have in getting back with him.

 

Until the night spent with her SBEX, she had resigned herself to this. I do not think that consistently reminding her that at one time she cheated helps. Remember, that for 8 years, her husband was married to her, and they were trying to reconcile. If he was just stringing her along until the boy was older, shame on him. If it came to a point where he had lost his love for her, then he could have managed this much better. Remember, they share a child, and need to remain on good terms.

 

Lastly, remorseful_tab has shown courage and guts coming here and opening herself and her life up to us. We need to remind our self that it is a privilege to hear this, and treat everyone with respect, even if we have deep issues with their actions.

 

She is in pain, can we not spare a kind word?

 

My 2 cents

[Hope Shimmers]

jbrent,

 

I do not think you are trying to be insensitive, and maybe the OP needs to hear this, but is this the advise you would give to a sister, aunt, mother, female friend in a similar situation? ? We all must remember that Remorseful_tab is a real live person, and what ever she may have done in the past, her life and the life of her son is changing for the worst. What got to many of us, is the 8 years between the affair and now the divorce, we feel she was a woman who was trying to make amends, and now has seen all her efforts come to not. She is hoping against hope that maybe he will come back to her. At this time, I think we should work on what she has asked for, and answer the question - Was this cheating? If he is involved with this other woman, in my book yes. Does this help in remorseful_tab's hope for reconciliation? No. Should she confront him? No, I do not think it will do any good, and may hurt any slight chance she may have in getting back with him.

 

Until the night spent with her SBEX, she had resigned herself to this. I do not think that consistently reminding her that at one time she cheated helps. Remember, that for 8 years, her husband was married to her, and they were trying to reconcile. If he was just stringing her along until the boy was older, shame on him. If it came to a point where he had lost his love for her, then he could have managed this much better. Remember, they share a child, and need to remain on good terms.

 

Lastly, remorseful_tab has shown courage and guts coming here and opening herself and her life up to us. We need to remind our self that it is a privilege to hear this, and treat everyone with respect, even if we have deep issues with their actions.

 

She is in pain, can we not spare a kind word?

 

My 2 cents

 

^^^ THIS ^^^

 

OP, I for one think you have every right to ask the question about whether this woman existed in his life prior to his asking for a divorce. SOMETHING triggered this guy to suddenly, out-of-the-blue say he wants a divorce. After 8 long years of reconciliation. He didn't just wake up one day and decide - something happened. If it was this woman or another woman? Then shame on him.

 

Do I think you SHOULD ask him? If you are thinking towards the long-term goal of getting back together with him, if there is a chance of that, then you might want to hold off for now and not ask. And clearly it won't change anything in terms of the divorce. But just to validate how you feel - I would want to know too. It would matter to me.

 

As for what was said above about how the single dating scene at this age is a disaster for women and a glorious smorgasbord of endless beautiful women all grabbing at every available man who isn't a boring slug -- horse hockey (to use a phrase that a friend recently used on me and I had to look up). Ridiculous. The only part that is true is that there are generally more single, available men than women. But hey, you only need one!

 

I've been divorced for several years (I was 42 when I divorced). I have not had any problems finding men, and I am picky. True, you have to wade through a lot of men who are less than desirable, but the same is true for men too - I've heard a lot of them complaining, trust me. If you have a relatively interesting life (meaning you have hobbies, things you enjoy, keep busy) and you keep yourself healthy and take care of yourself, there will be men. Trust me. (I know it's probably too early to talk to you about that, but I wanted to give my own opinion as to the doom-and-gloom outlook for dating for women in their 40's and later).

 

I know it's hard to see right now, but you may end up better off in the long run without him, and starting over. I wish you only the best and I'm sorry for your pain.

[jbrent890]

jbrent,

 

I do not think you are trying to be insensitive, and maybe the OP needs to hear this, but is this the advise you would give to a sister, aunt, mother, female friend in a similar situation? ? We all must remember that Remorseful_tab is a real live person, and what ever she may have done in the past, her life and the life of her son is changing for the worst. What got to many of us, is the 8 years between the affair and now the divorce, we feel she was a woman who was trying to make amends, and now has seen all her efforts come to not. She is hoping against hope that maybe he will come back to her. At this time, I think we should work on what she has asked for, and answer the question - Was this cheating? If he is involved with this other woman, in my book yes. Does this help in remorseful_tab's hope for reconciliation? No. Should she confront him? No, I do not think it will do any good, and may hurt any slight chance she may have in getting back with him.

 

Until the night spent with her SBEX, she had resigned herself to this. I do not think that consistently reminding her that at one time she cheated helps. Remember, that for 8 years, her husband was married to her, and they were trying to reconcile. If he was just stringing her along until the boy was older, shame on him. If it came to a point where he had lost his love for her, then he could have managed this much better. Remember, they share a child, and need to remain on good terms.

 

Lastly, remorseful_tab has shown courage and guts coming here and opening herself and her life up to us. We need to remind our self that it is a privilege to hear this, and treat everyone with respect, even if we have deep issues with their actions.

 

She is in pain, can we not spare a kind word?

 

My 2 cents

 

Understand that's just it. Not once did I reference her affair in any of my posts. Not once did I say she wouldn't find someone else when the time comes. Not once did I say that she deserved this or any other cruel thing a wayward usually endures on these threads. You, elaine, and few others believe that he was cheating on her. I simply stated why I think that isn't case. And instead of simply agreeing to disagree, I'm accused of triggering and being vitriolic. Again, I'm sorry if I don't agree with the notion that he was cheating. I look at DKT as example. After he filled, he was seeing other women within the week. All I did was offer a different explanation and explained why I felt that way. Instead it was completely blown out of proportion. I'm sorry that this is happening to the OP. I will bow out of this thread.

Edited August 28, 2015 by jbrent890

[66Charger]

All that time on the last thread and the "he is cheating/8years/injustice" poor me, landed her where? Alone and served divorce papers. When her thread was kicked to seperation and divorce, I dont recall many of you there. Probaly only qubist and myself.

 

Now the thread is "my husband (stbxh) who is divorcing her, is riding a bike with another woman (second hand info)., and is he cheating?

 

If you want to get your husband back, why dont you post a thread specifically asking for advice to do so?

 

Or shall we war again about the injustice/ kick him to the curb/he was cheating all along, blah blah blah. He is divorcing. If she doesnt want it, she is asking the wrong questions.

 

Lady, either go get him back or move on. If you continue wasting time feeling sorry and crying, and posting about the injustice of it all, , it wont be the bike she will be riding.

 

Go ahead and continue Wasting time. These people wont be there in divorce court.

[sandylee1]

I see no merit in asking him about the woman. That will only serve to piss him off. I think the problem is the fact that you slept with him the other night. He shouldn't have done that, but it might have been not to reject you and make you feel bad or that he just had the desire for you at that moment (as you offered it), but with no intention to reconcile.

 

I tend to agree that men can generally get into relationships quicker so it doesn't mean he was with her before he announced divorce.

 

You often hear a couple split up and the guy is out on dates and has has a few relationships within a short time , yet the woman is still on the look.

 

You'll open yourself to unecessary hurt if you say anything to him about it. His response to your text was pleasant and everything you've said about him has been courteous, in so far as his communication with you. Keep it friendly. It's a shame because you were doing well with getting used to being a single mum, until the other night with him. It brings the emotions back. I know you may want to do it again, but I fear you'll just get hurt by doing so.

[World's.Edge]

^^^ THIS ^^^

 

OP, I for one think you have every right to ask the question about whether this woman existed in his life prior to his asking for a divorce. SOMETHING triggered this guy to suddenly, out-of-the-blue say he wants a divorce. After 8 long years of reconciliation. He didn't just wake up one day and decide - something happened.

Maybe he did. I don't understand why some here think that it's unusual that he is divorcing her, like he is being unreasonable or something. People have divorced over less, why not divorce over the fact that your wife/husband had a year-and-four-month long affair a few years back and that s*** still doesn't sit right with you?

 

There are scores of stories on these forums of men and women who are years and decades out of discovering their spouse's affairs who are unhappy, not "over it", angry, depressed, resentful, miserable, considering divorce or wishing they had divorced. Sometimes it takes time to process it all and reach the decision to end the marriage.

 

Just because a couple didn't divorce when the affair was discovered doesn't mean that they truly reconciled, it just means that they stayed married.

Edited August 29, 2015 by World's.Edge

[Hope Shimmers]

Maybe he did. I don't understand why some here think that it's unusual that he is divorcing her, like he is being unreasonable or something. People have divorced over less, why not divorce over the fact that your wife/husband had a year-and-four-month long affair a few years back and that s*** still doesn't sit right with you?

 

There are scores of stories on these forums of men and women who are years and decades out of discovering their spouse's affairs who are unhappy, not "over it", angry, depressed, resentful, miserable, considering divorce or wishing they had divorced. Sometimes it takes time to process it all and reach the decision to end the marriage.

 

Just because a couple didn't divorce when the affair was discovered doesn't mean that they truly reconciled, it just means that they stayed married.

 

Not sure why you are attacking me.

 

I've never been in this position, but from her story in particular it seemed like it might make sense. Not in terms of the "general story" of people who go years and decades and still can't get "over it". But, just in terms of this particular woman's story, and her H, and the lack of sex for 4 years, and the rest of it. And most importantly, the 8-year reconciliation that apparently was false which she learned of in one fell swoop. The details matter in a big way.

 

I don't know the answer. That's up to her to find out. But she is the one posting here and our goal on this forum is to support the poster. I'm not going to fling a bunch of crap at her, that is for sure.

[hl1962]

Remorse, I'm mostly lurking, but I'm compelled to offer you support after reading your threads. Instead of questioning him, I'd tell him what your friend saw, you tried your best to redeem and love him for these eight years, then offer your blessing to whatever that makes him happy. For now, prepare yourself it's over. The tighter you grab, the faster it goes. If you TRULY love him, you want him to be happy. At least you still have a young son to focus on, then focus on yourself to be the best you can be. Good thing will happen to you!! I went to see a silly movie The Longest Ride. What impressed me the most was that old couple, as much as the husband loved the wife, when she was too sad to stay, he had to let her go. Your STBX does still care about you. Be grateful at least you have that. Change the way you think and focus on, you'll be very much OKAY. I stuck in a 20+ years of the loneliest marriage, and am now empty-nested. I'm grateful I was born positive, and super lucky to find a sweet man. Sending you lots hugs.

[World's.Edge]

...

.. Wasn't an attack Hope. Not in terms of the 'general story' I know of a few marriages that ended years after an affair, one was around nine years and there are several here that pretty much played out in the same way as Remorseful's, none of which involved infidelity on the betayed spouse's part.

 

Not to take anything away from you but not having been in this position, you can't understand how infidelity affects someone, especially a long-term affair.

 

It's more plausible to me that like many do, he stayed in the marriage for whatever reason (their son, he still loved her, shock, optimism, depression, he was younger, financial concerns, etc) but ultimately her adultery had effectively ended the marriage and destroyed his feelings and attraction for her as his wife over the years.

 

I'm not discounting its possibility, but I'm not of the opinion that Remorseful's husband was unfaithful. Something or several somethings or nothing could have led to his decision, or it could be that he has always felt this way and is only now going through with it.

 

Then again, a subsequent affair(s) on his part wouldn't be that much of a surprise.

Edited August 29, 2015 by World's.Edge

[SummerDreams]

So here we are again seeing people posting without the OP giving any sign of her reading these posts, with people assuming stuff and "arguing" with each other and the OP not giving any details to help posters get to a conclusion. A poster really nicely and wisely suggested that this woman should be happy with her stbx being happy since she loves him, even if that means he is happy without her. What a wise advise but it just made me smile bitterly. Not once in the OP's threads have a seen her say "I love my husband so much, I cant live without him, I want to do my best to make him happy that is why I want him back". I think this is the reason the OP is not receiving many sympathy votes. She seems to me like a cold calculator who just lost her rights and will do anything to get them back, even if it means her stbx will become miserable by this.

 

Have people forgotten what her stbx has told her these months after he asked for a divorce? The disgust he was showing towards her, the "dont **** in front of the kid", the "if you think I have forgiven you for your A you are mistaken", the "I only stay for the kid" and so on? They did have sex but I bet this means nothing to him, it was just a last act in the movie of his marriage.

 

This man has made his decision and I admire him so much for sacrificing 8 years of his life for his son. He deserves to be with a woman for who he is not a second choice.

 

Remorseful is not at all remorseful in my opinion. She just wants her life back. She doesnt accept responsibility of where she is now and she does not care for her husband's happiness.

 

Elaine I do love your posts but allow me to disagree with you here. The OPs dont receive immunity of their mistakes just for posting here. They are real people as you said and they should be treated as such. I cant sweet talk to someone I feel is wrong. And yes, if she were my sister these are exactly the things I would tell her.

[elaine567]

And yes, if she were my sister these are exactly the things I would tell her.

 

Ok, so you would kick your sister in the teeth when she was at her weakest? Really?

 

"Sorry sister, he has an OW and has moved on" - fair enough.

BUT

"I just HAVE to inform you that your husband's future is sunny and bright, he is going to be knee deep in women, swinging on chandeliers with all sorts of hot women, whilst you die alone and unwanted - women of your age are essentially worthless on the dating scene, you have to just accept that."

 

YOU would really tell your sister that, on the day she found out her husband had an OW?

 

It is "advice" which I felt was an unnecessary jibe, designed to wound the OP due to her past history of infidelity, from a BH triggering here.

[SummerDreams]

Ok, so you would kick your sister in the teeth when she was at her weakest? Really?

 

"Sorry sister, he has an OW and has moved on" - fair enough.

BUT

"I just HAVE to inform you that your husband's future is sunny and bright, he is going to be knee deep in women, swinging on chandeliers with all sorts of hot women, whilst you die alone and unwanted - women of your age are essentially worthless on the dating scene, you have to just accept that."

 

YOU would really tell your sister that, on the day she found out her husband had an OW?

 

It is "advice" which I felt was an unnecessary jibe, designed to wound the OP due to her past history of infidelity, from a BH triggering here.

 

Her husband does not have an OW. She has received the divorce papers, he was clear with wanting a divorce showing a great maturity regarding this process and his son. In the contrary she is the one overlooking at all her responsibility and focusing on her own desires: To take him back and continue her life.

 

I agree that the "your husband will have hundreds of women at his feet" was unnecessary at this point but I find equally unnecessary the false (imo) hope from other posters that he might come back. This woman needs a reality check and pampering her doesnt help her see things straight.

[elaine567]

Her husband does not have an OW.

 

Er.. yes he does. It is the subject of this thread.

 

Just received a call from one of my friends with whom I have confided about our impending divorce. Today she saw my H riding bike with a woman (H recently has bought the bike, came to know of it from my son). My friend was in the bus. She spotted him and the woman at a signal. The woman was holding him, or rather hugging him from behind. They were laughing and talking. It was clear that they were in a romantic relationship. This woman was unknown to her

 

They are NOT divorced yet.

[SummerDreams]

Er.. yes he does. It is the subject of this thread.

 

They are NOT divorced yet.

 

Well in my eyes he has made himself more than clear, the divorce papers are being made and received, he has said he can not forgive her and nobody can convince him to change his mind and he goes on wuth his life. They live separately for months and they are officially separated one step from being divorced. The OP's false hopes he may come back - he wont - does not change the fact that he has checked out from the marriage a long time ago, he was decent enough to ask for a divorce and move out before finding a new relationship - unlike her - and he is totally correct in my eyes.

[sandylee1]

It's a matter of perception really. I didn't view what was said as a kick in the teeth at all. Without rehashing the whole why did he leave after 8 years, best to leave it and accept it as what he told the OP - that he just couldn't get over it.

 

The OP asking about the woman will not end well at all, so don't go there. You don't really want to be used for sex when he feels like it either, but from the way you described it, he didn't set out to use you. Maybe he felt weak for giving in the other night, but regardless , it's your emotions on the line. If you can handle it then fine, but it could just give you false hope. Men detach emotions much easier than women.

 

Carry on as you were, because it seems you were doing really well with the coparenting. The one good thing is that you'll always have your son to keep you both talking. I've seen women get devious/manipulative and use the child to try and keep the man, but that's not what you want to do. The man doesn't even realise what's happening.

[m.snow]

yes! i somehow believed that he had been having an affair with this woman.

 

he divorced you not because of your past affair.

 

pretty sure after 8 years he got over that.

 

he divorced you because of this new woman.

 

i believe you stop blaming yourself.

 

and he was with you just shortly and he seems to be also with this woman.