I think I made a big mistake

[oldshirt]

When you search your feelings what is the real reason you regret it?

 

 

Do you regret it because you feel like you may have hammered the final nails into the coffin of your marriage?

 

 

Do you regret it because that guy wasn't very good in bed or is not actually dating material?

 

 

Do you regret it because you feel you may have lead him on to it being more than what it was? Was it a revenge shag?

 

 

Or is your regret actually more of a simple disappointment more than an actual regret?

 

 

Give us a little more handle on what it is that you are actually regretting here.

[oldshirt]

But getting back to your evening with this guy, I know this isn't what you are necessarily wanting to hear or what you came here for but I am going to say it anyway - GOOD JOB!!!

Seriously, way to go! I have been encouraging you to get out there and meet people and get back on the horse since your first post.

 

 

I'm sorry it was a lackluster event and that you have some bad feelings towards it, but I am glad that you got out there took the bull by the horns a little bit.

 

 

Some times our bodies do things before our minds have a chance to catch up and make sense of it in our conscious minds. Even though you may not feel great about it at the moment, a part of you realized your H is gone and that there are other options and opportunities out there and you went for it.

 

 

I'm sorry that this particular time wasn't a positive experience but you are getting out and dipping your toe in the waters and that is a good thing. The next time will be better and the next time better yet and so on and so on.

 

 

I think it's great that you got out of the house and went out on the town and had some fun. Don't let the fact that this dude wasn't your cup of tea discourage you getting out and get back up on the horse again.

 

 

You have the right and good reason to get out and meet people and get to know them and start working your way onto the dating market again.

[oldshirt]

 

You have the right and good reason to get out and meet people and get to know them and start working your way onto the dating market again.

 

 

 

In fact, make this one change and see if it changes your attitude a little bit - instead of posting this kind of thing in the marriage or infidelity section, start posting this kind of thing in the dating section.

 

 

This is a dating issue. You may be technically married legally because of the way the laws are written and the slow process that the paperwork takes, but for all practical, moral and ethical purposes, you are a single woman and this is a dating issue.

 

 

This was simply a hook up that wasn't all that great. We've all had those and you probably even had some encounters with your STBX that weren't fireworks and bombshells so this isn't that big of a deal or anything all that earthshaking.

 

 

I'm sorry it wasn't that great of an experience, but I'm glad you are getting out and making forward steps. Hopefully the next one will go better.

[oldshirt]

And in case you haven't caught on, I do not think it was a "mistake" at all. I think it was a step. .....a step in the right direction no less.

 

 

I think you are catching on that your H has checked out and isn't coming back and you are starting to move forward.

 

 

This wasn't a mistake. It was an opportunity and it was a step. It didn't work out, you'll have several or even many that do not, but it was still a step.

 

 

I think this is a good sign for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

During the separation my H made it clear that he intends to see other people. And I was free to do so. So no we are not cheating on one another.

 

The thing I want most is my husband back, show him how much I love him and how valuable he is to me.

 

Those two sentences are so contradictory in purpose it's hard to believe they were written at the same time. If you want your husband back, hard to see how the plan includes sleeping with other men...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Those two sentences are so contradictory in purpose it's hard to believe they were written at the same time. If you want your husband back, hard to see how the plan includes sleeping with other men...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't think sleeping with the other dude was part of any 'plan' to get her H back. (however for all we know, once he finds out about it he may come running back. but that's a whole other topic. My point is I don't think the other guy was part of her plan to get H back)

 

 

She has been upfront and frank with him since the beginning that she wants the marriage to remain intact and them to remain together. She has done her due diligence to keep them together but he has still continued to move forward with the separation/divorce and has continued to move on with his new life including seeing other women (but still coming back to her periodically for some poontang, but again that is another topic)

 

 

So as far as I'm concerned, she has every right to move on herself and every right to sleep with whoever she wants, whenever she wants without regard to her STBX. I know she still wants him back but IMHO if she is starting to realize he is moving on despite her efforts at reconciliation, she has every right to throw in the towel and move on herself and all the power to her.

 

 

She has already tried to keep them together and he has stiff-armed her at every point except the times he wanted a little poon out of her. So good for her. Like I said in one of my posts above - this wasn't a mistake, it was a step.

[OldRover]

I don't think sleeping with the other dude was part of any 'plan' to get her H back. (however for all we know, once he finds out about it he may come running back. but that's a whole other topic. My point is I don't think the other guy was part of her plan to get H back)

 

 

She has been upfront and frank with him since the beginning that she wants the marriage to remain intact and them to remain together. She has done her due diligence to keep them together but he has still continued to move forward with the separation/divorce and has continued to move on with his new life including seeing other women (but still coming back to her periodically for some poontang, but again that is another topic)

 

 

So as far as I'm concerned, she has every right to move on herself and every right to sleep with whoever she wants, whenever she wants without regard to her STBX. I know she still wants him back but IMHO if she is starting to realize he is moving on despite her efforts at reconciliation, she has every right to throw in the towel and move on herself and all the power to her.

 

 

She has already tried to keep them together and he has stiff-armed her at every point except the times he wanted a little poon out of her. So good for her. Like I said in one of my posts above - this wasn't a mistake, it was a step.

 

Totally agree, except for one major exception.... IF she REALLY wants him back the ONS is just another dagger that will get in the way. Sure, she has every right to do what the heck she want... and can cut her own throat, too. I'm hoping she will make "reasonable" decisions with respect to her goals.

[remorseful_tab]

When you search your feelings what is the real reason you regret it?

 

 

Do you regret it because you feel like you may have hammered the final nails into the coffin of your marriage?

 

I regret it because I was not ready for this. I am still in love with my husband. It again felt like I was betraying him.

 

And it was not the noblest of reasons to sleep with him. If I am totally honest "It was a revenge shag".

 

And yes lastly, this feels like "the end". The absolute end to my marriage.

 

Even if my husband one day came back and miraculously told me that he wants to try to get back together, I wouldn't jump and say yes. I would reveal what I did. And knowing him as I do, he will probably leave me again.

 

So again, this is the final nail.

 

 

Do you regret it because that guy wasn't very good in bed or is not actually dating material?

 

If I take away the guilt I felt after the sex, then I must say the guy was quite good. He knows his business pretty well. To be very very honest, for the 30 or so minutes of it, it felt great. Especially because it was the 2nd time I was having sex in 5 months (1st of which was with husband)

 

 

Do you regret it because you feel you may have lead him on to it being more than what it was? Was it a revenge shag?

 

 

Or is your regret actually more of a simple disappointment more than an actual regret?

 

 

Give us a little more handle on what it is that you are actually regretting here.

[remorseful_tab]

But getting back to your evening with this guy, I know this isn't what you are necessarily wanting to hear or what you came here for but I am going to say it anyway - GOOD JOB!!!

Seriously, way to go! I have been encouraging you to get out there and meet people and get back on the horse since your first post.

 

 

I'm sorry it was a lackluster event and that you have some bad feelings towards it, but I am glad that you got out there took the bull by the horns a little bit.

 

 

Some times our bodies do things before our minds have a chance to catch up and make sense of it in our conscious minds. Even though you may not feel great about it at the moment, a part of you realized your H is gone and that there are other options and opportunities out there and you went for it.

 

 

I'm sorry that this particular time wasn't a positive experience but you are getting out and dipping your toe in the waters and that is a good thing. The next time will be better and the next time better yet and so on and so on.

 

 

I think it's great that you got out of the house and went out on the town and had some fun. Don't let the fact that this dude wasn't your cup of tea discourage you getting out and get back up on the horse again.

 

 

You have the right and good reason to get out and meet people and get to know them and start working your way onto the dating market again.

 

The sex was not lackluster. For a no strings shag, it was wonderful. Its the problems with the feelings after.

 

I sure want to love again.

 

Right now wrongly or rightly, I love my "arse" of a husband. Yes, you heard me right. He is an arse. I am actually pissed at him right now. Here I am loving him with all my heart and has let him know that with both words or actions when he let me. And with my history as a fWW, he will not find a safer bet that me. I know what it is like to have an affair and how you reach the precipice of destruction of everything you love and value. And I have comeback from that. And I can put it in legal document that I am never again putting myself through that. I AM NEVER CHEATING AGAIN FOR MY OWN SANITY! I let him know that.

 

I am a wife that has accepted everything he has demanded in this separation process. Will he find a more submissive wife than me if that is what he wishes to have?

 

And despite all the hell he has put me through for the last 5 months, I am still willing to take him back. If that is not remorse for my past wrongs then I don't know what is. Will he ever again find a woman that will bend her back so much for him?

 

I am the woman that if he comebacks to will give him the joy of seeing his son everyday.

 

I am the wife that will not ask for the details of his encounters with other women and will not hold anything against him for his escapades but still open herself sexually fully to him if he will comeback. If he wants a monster in the bedroom, he just has to say the word to me. I will go above and beyond to please him. And I am not exactly a dud in the looks department. C'mon I was the varsity finalist in "The queen of love" contest!

 

Still he wants to test his options out there. He is welcome to it.

[remorseful_tab]

Though I still love my husband now, I am sure I am getting to a point where I will have completely detached from him. If its one month from now or one year from now. I thinks its apparent from my last post that my detachment has already started.

 

Unlike my husband, I will again start dating when I have fully detach.

 

Yes, I intend to love again and feel that love.

[remorseful_tab]

And yes, I forgot to mention that I am the wife that accepted the consequence of her actions as being the 95% initiator of mindblowing sex 8 years down the line and her husband only initiating 25-30 times in those 8 years. And I still gave it all I got - getting on top him, pleasing him orally to get him charged up again for another round of sex, shower sex, morning sex, sexy lingerie, sex on the beaches - you name it.

 

And he rejected me a lot. And I still kept going back and giving it to him when he let me.

 

I am the wife that will say "sorry" for her wrong doings and mean it 8, 9,10, 11.......nth years till the day she dies.

 

I am the wife that will cook for him, do his laundry, clean the house even if I work a job too only because I take my family responsibilities seriously and believe in keeping a neat and healthy environment for the family.

 

And he thinks he can find someone better than me? Best of luck to him!!

Edited November 19, 2015 by remorseful_tab

[oldshirt]

No-one (including yourself) can accuse you of not trying hard enough.

[hl1962]

Though I still love my husband now, I am sure I am getting to a point where I will have completely detached from him. If its one month from now or one year from now. I thinks its apparent from my last post that my detachment has already started.

 

Unlike my husband, I will again start dating when I have fully detach.

 

Yes, I intend to love again and feel that love.

Good to hear. Keep reminding yourself that and rereading it when you relapse. I have to think instead of truly loving him, it's you want what you want. He sure didn't feel the love when you went off on him (He's testing the dating pool and you). Move on with your life. Find someone who's more compatible and hopefully better.

[OldRover]

And yes, I forgot to mention that I am the wife that accepted the consequence of her actions as being the 95% initiator of mindblowing sex 8 years down the line and her husband only initiating 25-30 times in those 8 years. And I still gave it all I got - getting on top him, pleasing him orally to get him charged up again for another round of sex, shower sex, morning sex, sexy lingerie, sex on the beaches - you name it.

 

And he rejected me a lot. And I still kept going back and giving it to him when he let me.

 

I am the wife that will say "sorry" for her wrong doings and mean it 8, 9,10, 11.......nth years till the day she dies.

 

I am the wife that will cook for him, do his laundry, clean the house even if I work a job too only because I take my family responsibilities seriously and believe in keeping a neat and healthy environment for the family.

 

And he thinks he can find someone better than me? Best of luck to him!!

 

Sounds like you really would like another chance, and there ARE ways to do this, but not easy. There's a number of good books, internet sites, and coaches to get help for this. No guarantees, but certainly a shot. Google Corey Wayne, the exfactorguide, mendthemarriage, Mort Fertel, getting back with your ex..... all may have some help. There's a science to it, and no down side in trying.... but it's not 100% successful either. But, he loved you once, so you do have something going for you.

[hl1962]

And yes, I forgot to mention that I am the ......

 

And he thinks he can find someone better than me? Best of luck to him!!

That's the problem in a lot of marriages. There's no universal standard of good/bad treatment between two people, other than the obvious ones, hence The Five Love Languages. You do things for him but obviously those are not the things he REALLY wanted from you. You built resentment when the outcome didn't go your way. Most of us here feel your remorse and know how much effort you put into it. Unfortunately, you didn't truly understand him? Release your resentment. Do what's best for your son. Best of luck!!

[sandylee1]

RT,

 

You gave it your best shot in those 8 years ..... Unfortunately he just couldn't get over it or past it. It's much better that he has set you free to eventually find love rather than being bitter and resentful for eternity.

 

I see some BHs who never left and the marriage is a pretence on their part. They're full of regret that they never left earlier and their tone is venemous when it comes to advising other BHs. 20/30 years on and it still gets them.......nah you don't need that. Maybe after he's played the field and gone full circle he'll try his luck with you.

 

Nobody knows what the future holds, but just makes choices that you are comfortable with and take it easy.

 

BTW - Nice to hear he it was a satisfying night.

[bigman1]

RT,

 

You gave it your best shot in those 8 years ..... Unfortunately he just couldn't get over it or past it. It's much better that he has set you free to eventually find love rather than being bitter and resentful for eternity.

 

I see some BHs who never left and the marriage is a pretence on their part. They're full of regret that they never left earlier and their tone is venemous when it comes to advising other BHs. 20/30 years on and it still gets them.......nah you don't need that. Maybe after he's played the field and gone full circle he'll try his luck with you.

 

Nobody knows what the future holds, but just makes choices that you are comfortable with and take it easy.

 

BTW - Nice to hear he it was a satisfying night.

 

THIS is so spot on. Living in purgatory is a fools errand. Your husband did it for a while, but your affair was a deal breaker. It has nothing to do with how sorry you are. how sensual you are or anything, or how much of a safe bet you claim to be. As hard as it is to grasp, due to your remorse, he is doing you a favor.

 

This is the result of infidelity. The good: Your becoming a better person and knowing that you will never cheat again is the product of your infidelity. The bad: being rejected by the one person that was so crucial to your turnaround. The ugly: The fall out. But there is the good again: Not being married to a man who harbors ill feelings for you and himself for remaining married and who was becoming bitter, resentful, and worse.

 

Time to move forward. Its best for all of you. He needs to be a decent guy, and unlike those men that sandylee1 described, your husband made the best choice for all involved.

[SoThatHappened]

And yes, I forgot to mention that I am the wife that accepted the consequence of her actions as being the 95% initiator of mindblowing sex 8 years down the line and her husband only initiating 25-30 times in those 8 years. And I still gave it all I got - getting on top him, pleasing him orally to get him charged up again for another round of sex, shower sex, morning sex, sexy lingerie, sex on the beaches - you name it.

 

And he rejected me a lot. And I still kept going back and giving it to him when he let me.

 

I am the wife that will say "sorry" for her wrong doings and mean it 8, 9,10, 11.......nth years till the day she dies.

 

I am the wife that will cook for him, do his laundry, clean the house even if I work a job too only because I take my family responsibilities seriously and believe in keeping a neat and healthy environment for the family.

 

And he thinks he can find someone better than me? Best of luck to him!!

You from outta town? Got a local number?

 

Seriously, you're a catch. And, you know it. If you don't, then REALIZE it and you'll be better off.

[66Charger]

You think you did so much, but you never made him feel safe. So now after your ONS, do what the posters say. Move on, Enjoy other men. Stop saying you love your husband and want him back. And Honestly, based on your recent post.

 

Yes he can.

Edited November 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[HopeForTomorrow]

RT,

 

I agree with most of the other posters. You have done what you could for the last 8 years. He moved out. He's divorcing you. He is seeing other women. Your having a ONS probably isn't the most emotionally healthy thing for you right now, but what you need to do is move forward. It will end one way or another, but that's your only choice right now. I hope you will ignore other posters whose point is only to make you feel bad. Let it go.

 

Divorce is hard. Even in the case where it was a long time coming (like mine), emotionally it's very hard, and there is a lot of back-and-forth and being together after the decision is made (sexually or otherwise, as you have experienced). It is just not an overnight thing after you have been married to someone for that many years. Don't let anyone without that experience try to tell you what you should be feeling.

 

I'm not a WW, but just from my own experience in a divorce (non-affair related), please avoid the ONS's. I did it one time and one time only shortly after we decided to divorce, with my husband's boss at the time who had wanted to date me. I wasn't interested in him but I did it for selfish reasons. I ended up hurting this man a lot because he really liked me, and also just going backwards emotionally. Take your time and most importantly GIVE yourself some time to move on and find love somewhere else.

[66Charger]

Based on recent activity, shouldnt this thread be moved to separation and divorce?

Truly disappointing, on both sides

Edited November 20, 2015 by 66Charger

[SummerDreams]

The thing I want most is my husband back, show him how much I love him and how valuable he is to me.

 

I know but you see, he doesn't think that way. HE doesn't love you and HE doesn't think you are valuable to him. He has made himself more than clear. You chose to show your desperate self by chasing him around, creating scenes, seducing him to sleeping with you instead of handling this with dignity. Now you are burned as you said. I hope you find the courage to wake up already and let him go. If he realizes he only loves you down the road, he knows where to find you.

[World's.Edge]

And yes, I forgot to mention that I am the wife that accepted the consequence of her actions as being the 95% initiator of mindblowing sex 8 years down the line and her husband only initiating 25-30 times in those 8 years. And I still gave it all I got - getting on top him, pleasing him orally to get him charged up again for another round of sex, shower sex, morning sex, sexy lingerie, sex on the beaches - you name it.

 

And he rejected me a lot. And I still kept going back and giving it to him when he let me.

 

I am the wife that will say "sorry" for her wrong doings and mean it 8, 9,10, 11.......nth years till the day she dies.

 

I am the wife that will cook for him, do his laundry, clean the house even if I work a job too only because I take my family responsibilities seriously and believe in keeping a neat and healthy environment for the family.

 

And he thinks he can find someone better than me? Best of luck to him!!

Okay, let's tone down the arrogance a bit. There is nothing that you've mentioned that is exceptional:confused:.

 

I don't understand people who think that they deserve commendation for basic things. Have I missed something or has the standard fallen so drastically that someone actually wants credit for laundry and cooking, appreciation maybe, but these are basic "skills" that anyone should be able to do.

 

Taking your family responsibilities seriously and allowing him to see his son? Yeah, you're supposed to do that. Why would you not allow him to see your (plural) son or want to keep a clean and healthy environment?

 

Apologizing for one's wrongdoings? That's basic decent human behaviour.

 

Your husband not initiating sex and rejecting you over the years, that's the result of cheating on someone. It changes how they feel about you, it affects their attraction to you and can turn them off you.

 

You may have come back from your affair but he didn't. You being "submissive" during the separation process is because you're not an entirely unreasonable person and because you don't want to divorce. Therefore your compliance is so that you assuage him and don't aggitate the situation further, it's basically how some people try to 'nice' their spouse out of affairs.

 

You're still willing to take him back after the months of "hell" that he has put you through:eek:. You had an affair for sixteen months, that was his hell and he stayed with you and his was a much longer and uncertain one. Yours involved treating him badly, blindsiding him, deception and his wife being in love with another man and sleeping with him. I honestly don't think your hell now compares to his then, yours is just recent and affects you. Your affair may have happened eight years ago but it still happened, it still affected him, it was traumatic and caused him pain, anger, resentment and a host of other emotions.

 

You're not the wife that will not ask for the details of his encounters with other women and will not hold anything against him for his escapades because you don't get to do that. He doesn't want you to be his wife.

 

 

I get that you're hurt that your husband is dating other women and has rejected you, and maybe he is being an arse, but he has made it clear that your marriage is over and that he wants to divorce. He has detached from you. He is not testing his options out there, he is living his life.

 

You've done all that you think you should have done. Your major frustration and disappointment stem from the fact that you're unwilling to truly accept that your marriage is over. You can either (1) commit yourself to trying to get him back, fighting for him, being patient and dealing with whatever s*** that entails, or (2) you can accept that your marriage is over and work on moving on.

[remorseful_tab]

It's much better that he has set you free to eventually find love rather than being bitter and resentful for eternity.

 

*sarcasm* Yay me! How noble of him. I get to be a spinster at the fine age of 39 (closing to 40) and I am free on my own. How lucky I am!

 

Maybe after he's played the field and gone full circle he'll try his luck with you.

 

Thank you Sandy! I understand you are really trying to comfort me. But he is never coming back. Its better for me to accept it than build castles in the cloud.

[remorseful_tab]

You from outta town? Got a local number?

 

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