I think I made a big mistake

[OldRover]

Well in my eyes he has made himself more than clear, the divorce papers are being made and received, he has said he can not forgive her and nobody can convince him to change his mind and he goes on wuth his life. They live separately for months and they are officially separated one step from being divorced. The OP's false hopes he may come back - he wont - does not change the fact that he has checked out from the marriage a long time ago, he was decent enough to ask for a divorce and move out before finding a new relationship - unlike her - and he is totally correct in my eyes.

 

Ageed. He is emotionally, physically, and mentally divorced... the paper work is just logistics.... He can do what he wants.

[OldRover]

yes! i somehow believed that he had been having an affair with this woman.

 

he divorced you not because of your past affair.

 

pretty sure after 8 years he got over that.

 

he divorced you because of this new woman.

 

i believe you stop blaming yourself.

 

and he was with you just shortly and he seems to be also with this woman.

 

I'm not buying this... the jury is still out.

[oldshirt]

Er.. yes he does. It is the subject of this thread.

 

 

 

They are NOT divorced yet.

 

It takes the courthouse a number of months to get all the paper work in order and make a divorce legally official and documented.

 

 

This guy told her to her face that the marriage was over and that he was done and moving on. Then he made plans with her on how to coparent their son from two different households. Then he moved out. Then he filed divorce papers on her and has since been moving forward with the divorce plans.

 

 

It is over.

 

 

Now it is just a matter of waiting for the courthouse to finalize the paperwork. In all practical, moral and ethical terms, they are single adults and as long they are meeting their child-raising and financial obligations, they are free to come and go and date as they please.

 

 

He is not cheating. He is moving on with his life and a number of us have been recommending that she do the same since the opening day of her first thread.

 

 

Once she is riding around on the back of some other hunka-hunka's motorcycle or boat or corvette or plane, she won't give a rat's a$$ who's on the back of her ex's bike.

[oldshirt]

..... in regards to whether this gal on the back of the bike came along belong he announced he was leaving or not, it's possible.

 

 

It's possible he started seeing her before the announcement and just used her past A as his impetus to the divorce.

 

 

Sure, that is possible. ....but does it really matter or really change anything at this point??

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's also possible that he has just been marking time in the marriage until someone else came along and then he pulled the plug.

 

 

It's also possible that he marked a date on the calendar that he was going to stay and endure the marriage until their son was at a certain age or until he reached some financial criteria or something and then pulled the ejection handle.

 

 

It's just as possible that he started seeing this gal after announcing the divorce and moving out.

 

 

My point is it doesn't matter either way. He has been expressly clear that the marriage is over and that he is exiting stage-left.

 

 

If the fact that he is seeing someone says anything, it is that he means it and isn't joking around.

[oldshirt]

and at this point I'd bet my last dollar that if she calls him up and asks him if he is seeing someone, I bet his reply will be, "yes, I am starting to get out and see some people and I think you should too as well."

 

 

And that would be very sage advice from him.

[World's.Edge]

Ok, so you would kick your sister in the teeth when she was at her weakest? Really?

 

"Sorry sister, he has an OW and has moved on" - fair enough.

BUT

"I just HAVE to inform you that your husband's future is sunny and bright, he is going to be knee deep in women, swinging on chandeliers with all sorts of hot women, whilst you die alone and unwanted - women of your age are essentially worthless on the dating scene, you have to just accept that."

 

YOU would really tell your sister that, on the day she found out her husband had an OW?

 

It is "advice" which I felt was an unnecessary jibe, designed to wound the OP due to her past history of infidelity, from a BH triggering here.

 

As overdramatic/operatic as always elaine567, I love these posts of yours. It's like an out of body experience, totally surreal. 'Kick your sister in the teeth'.

 

 

Remorseful,

 

Here are some take aways. First, I think that you hoped that having sex with . . . . This fact has been proven by both dating experts and psychologist that specialize in this.

I don't see how this post is any different than the ones betrayed spouses here receive in relation to the (harsh) reality of their situations. It's informative if nothing else.

[remorseful_tab]

So here we are again seeing people posting without the OP giving any sign of her reading these posts, with people assuming stuff and "arguing" with each other and the OP not giving any details to help posters get to a conclusion. A poster really nicely and wisely suggested that this woman should be happy with her stbx being happy since she loves him, even if that means he is happy without her. What a wise advise but it just made me smile bitterly. Not once in the OP's threads have a seen her say "I love my husband so much, I cant live without him, I want to do my best to make him happy that is why I want him back". I think this is the reason the OP is not receiving many sympathy votes. She seems to me like a cold calculator who just lost her rights and will do anything to get them back, even if it means her stbx will become miserable by this.

 

I am a full time mum to a 10 year old boy with a full time job. Its not always easy for me to to follow this forum all day. I come here when I get the time or when I have something important to say. It was never my intention to post speculation and create fight among people here. If that has happened I'm sorry for that.

 

You have pointed here I haven't written "I love my husband so much, I cant live without him, I want to do my best to make him happy that is why I want him back". Maybe thats true. But I don't think saying that here shows that I'm explicitly remorseful. Because I'm sure my H isn't reading this forum. Its is he who needs to hear this from me.

But if you want to know, in the initial stages when he was going to leave me, I cried and begged to him, said that I can't live without him even though I know how much I have wronged him. I begged him to talk to me, get help for us, I would do anything he asked. You know what I got in reply to this? The first time when I told him, he said it was easy for me to live without him when I was in my affair (he was referencing the part in my letter where I said I wasn't sure things were going to be same again with my H, so it was better that he never finds out and we divorce). The second time I told him that he asked me whether I was blackmailing him with "I can't live without you" because that would mean that when he left I would commit suicide.

 

Now tell me what do you say to that? Should I have said "yes, I would commit suicide" when surely I wasn't going to? I understood he was determined to do what he was telling so I resigned myself. He wasn't going to change his mind though it was "killing" me from inside to lose him.

[elaine567]

As overdramatic/operatic as always elaine567, I love these posts of yours. It's like an out of body experience, totally surreal. 'Kick your sister in the teeth'.

 

For your education.

"If you ​describe the way someone ​treats you as a kick in the ​teeth, you ​mean that that ​person ​treats you ​badly and ​unfairly, ​especially at a ​time when you need ​their ​support:

 

kick in the teeth Meaning in the Cambridge English Dictionary

[oldshirt]

I am a full time mum to a 10 year old boy with a full time job. Its not always easy for me to to follow this forum all day. I come here when I get the time or when I have something important to say. It was never my intention to post speculation and create fight among people here. If that has happened I'm sorry for that.

 

You have pointed here I haven't written "I love my husband so much, I cant live without him, I want to do my best to make him happy that is why I want him back". Maybe thats true. But I don't think saying that here shows that I'm explicitly remorseful. Because I'm sure my H isn't reading this forum. Its is he who needs to hear this from me.

But if you want to know, in the initial stages when he was going to leave me, I cried and begged to him, said that I can't live without him even though I know how much I have wronged him. I begged him to talk to me, get help for us, I would do anything he asked. You know what I got in reply to this? The first time when I told him, he said it was easy for me to live without him when I was in my affair (he was referencing the part in my letter where I said I wasn't sure things were going to be same again with my H, so it was better that he never finds out and we divorce). The second time I told him that he asked me whether I was blackmailing him with "I can't live without you" because that would mean that when he left I would commit suicide.

 

Now tell me what do you say to that? Should I have said "yes, I would commit suicide" when surely I wasn't going to? I understood he was determined to do what he was telling so I resigned myself. He wasn't going to change his mind though it was "killing" me from inside to lose him.

 

 

 

RT, for what it's worth, I think you did your due diligence. I think you made an honest, good faith effort to reconcile your marriage and make it worth and I think you did your due diligence in keeping the doors of communication open with your H during this time of upheaval and think you did your best to keep your marriage together when he announced he was leaving.

 

 

For what my blessing is worth to you, I think you did fine and I think you deserve peace. If I were a priest and you came to me for confession, I would give you Absolution.

 

 

I think you've done all that you can do. But he is a grown adult and he has made his choice. His choice isn't what you wanted in the end, but you did the best you could. Even though there may still be tears in your pillow at night from the sadness of your marriage ending, I do think you have the right to sleep soundly knowing that you did the best you could and that you put in your best effort.

 

 

It just probably isn't meant to be any more. I am sorry.

 

 

There's no need for anyone to beat up on you or rub any salt into your wounds. But there is no need to blow any false sunshine up your butt either. The writing is clearly on the wall (to me and a few others anyway) and I think your best play at this point is to work with your attorney to get the most fair divorce settlement as possible and strive to have an amicable and cooperative coparenting relationship with your ex.

 

 

and the get out and get some fun rides on the back of some motorcycles yourself. I have a bike, it's a lot of fun, and Wind Therapy is some of the best medicine there is. One thing you never see is a motorcycle parked infront of a depression clinic.

 

 

But if motorcycles just really ain't your thang, then my next suggestion is get the skimpiest bikini you can squeeze into and find some dude with a boat while there is still some summer left :-D

[remorseful_tab]

So I couldn't keep it together and called my H.

 

First we talked about what our son was doing and other things for 2-3 minutes. Then I asked him whether he was seeing someone. He said what did I mean. I said Lottie saw him with a woman. He was aghast and asked was I spying on him. I knew the conversation will blow up if I used an accusatory tone. So I kept it light and said it was just a thing Lottie mentioned in passing yesterday and I was just curious. I am a woman and we are gossipy creatures. And we still happen to be H and W. So its natural I would be interested in my H...

 

He admitted and said he was seeing her for the last 3 weeks. I just ok. And it killed me to say this but I still told him I was happy for him. Then after a pause he said they weren't very serious with her but still felt bad that we had sex last week. She knows that he is married but separated and getting divorced. But he feels that he still should mention that he was with me.

 

I was listening to him. But after this I couldn't stop it. I said to him even if we divorce, our last together will always be a memory to me, just like our first. It was wonderful and fantastic and I haven't felt so alive in a long time. I only wished if I had the chance to have it more with him. And I would love it if it was not our last but I know that may not be possible.

 

I basically gave him an open invitation to my bed.

 

He understood what I was asking. But that would make him a cheater (this cut me). And he doesn't think its a very good idea for me too.

 

And I just said I understood. But it still felt wonderful when I had sex with him. And I needed him to know that because I didn't get a chance to say that to him that day. He thanked me. I also thanked him for being honest with me inspite of the fact that I wasn't honest with him when I was cheating.

 

There was an awkward silence before he said he had to go and we can talk later.

 

So I am officially competing for my H's attention, I guess.

[oldshirt]

So I couldn't keep it together and called my H.

 

First we talked about what our son was doing and other things for 2-3 minutes. Then I asked him whether he was seeing someone. He said what did I mean. I said Lottie saw him with a woman. He was aghast and asked was I spying on him. I knew the conversation will blow up if I used an accusatory tone. So I kept it light and said it was just a thing Lottie mentioned in passing yesterday and I was just curious. I am a woman and we are gossipy creatures. And we still happen to be H and W. So its natural I would be interested in my H...

 

He admitted and said he was seeing her for the last 3 weeks. I just ok. And it killed me to say this but I still told him I was happy for him. Then after a pause he said they weren't very serious with her but still felt bad that we had sex last week. She knows that he is married but separated and getting divorced. But he feels that he still should mention that he was with me.

 

I was listening to him. But after this I couldn't stop it. I said to him even if we divorce, our last together will always be a memory to me, just like our first. It was wonderful and fantastic and I haven't felt so alive in a long time. I only wished if I had the chance to have it more with him. And I would love it if it was not our last but I know that may not be possible.

 

I basically gave him an open invitation to my bed.

 

He understood what I was asking. But that would make him a cheater (this cut me). And he doesn't think its a very good idea for me too.

 

And I just said I understood. But it still felt wonderful when I had sex with him. And I needed him to know that because I didn't get a chance to say that to him that day. He thanked me. I also thanked him for being honest with me inspite of the fact that I wasn't honest with him when I was cheating.

 

There was an awkward silence before he said he had to go and we can talk later.

 

So I am officially competing for my H's attention, I guess.

 

 

 

Well you put it out there.

 

 

Like I said in my last post while you were writing this one, I think you've done you due diligence. I think you've made your valid offer. Whether he goes for it or not is his business.

 

 

If your time in bed together last week gives you both a fond memory and a good note towards the end and that's all that comes from it....OK.

 

 

If it does somehow lay some ground work for an honest and sincere reconciliation and everyone lives happily ever after....then great!

 

 

But, I just hope it doesn't become some kind of sick, exploitive manipulation where you are being used to take out his hostility and he just toys with your feelings while he galavants around with other women and he just uses you as one of his ho's.

 

 

It doesn't sound like he's doing that at all, but that kind of thing does go on in the world unfortunately.

 

 

I gotta be honest though, I don't think you really are in the competition for his attention and I don't think you should be. I think you will be setting yourself up for a big fall if you think of it in those terms.

 

 

Maybe I'm just being a pussy, but I think the potential for you to get really really hurt here is too great. I think you are playing with a nuclear reactor. I think you both had a moment of nostalgia last week and ended up in bed to relive some memories. It happens all the time. I doubt if there are many divorcing couples that don't end up between the sheets at some point of the divorce process.

 

 

I think if there is one thing that almost all divorced couples have in common is that almost every last one of them had at least one for the road before the gavel came down.

 

 

I warn you against reading too much into it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I basically gave him an open invitation to my bed.

 

He understood what I was asking. But that would make him a cheater (this cut me). And he doesn't think its a very good idea for me too.

 

And I just said I understood. But it still felt wonderful when I had sex with him. And I needed him to know that because I didn't get a chance to say that to him that day. He thanked me. I also thanked him for being honest with me inspite of the fact that I wasn't honest with him when I was cheating.

 

There was an awkward silence before he said he had to go and we can talk later.

 

So I am officially competing for my H's attention, I guess.

Ugh. No you're not. You're humiliating yourself by serving yourself up on a silver platter - and he doesn't want it. Please just stop.

[SummerDreams]

Do you really want sex to be the only glue potentially bringing you twi together? I would die before I would want that.

 

Honestly, do you still have hope? He even considers you the OW while being with a new relationship for three weeks. How much lower place are you intending to put yourself in?

[remorseful_tab]

Do you really want sex to be the only glue potentially bringing you twi together? I would die before I would want that.

 

Honestly, do you still have hope? He even considers you the OW while being with a new relationship for three weeks. How much lower place are you intending to put yourself in?

 

Your posts are full of contradictions. In one you say I don't have any remorse. And if I do want my H back I should be humbling myself to him.

 

And now you are telling me that I shouldn't have sex with my H because its degrading.

 

What do you really want?

[remorseful_tab]

Ugh. No you're not. You're humiliating yourself by serving yourself up on a silver platter - and he doesn't want it. Please just stop.

 

At this point I am too weak. I mean if he asked for it, I would give in immediately.

 

It will take me a while to develop resolve to say no. Because I still so want him back.

But I don't have to worry about him asking. From our conversation, I know H will not ask for it.

[remorseful_tab]

and the get out and get some fun rides on the back of some motorcycles yourself. I have a bike, it's a lot of fun, and Wind Therapy is some of the best medicine there is. One thing you never see is a motorcycle parked infront of a depression clinic.

 

 

But if motorcycles just really ain't your thang, then my next suggestion is get the skimpiest bikini you can squeeze into and find some dude with a boat while there is still some summer left :-D

 

I don't think I am ready for another relationship yet. Because my mind is too wrapped up in the divorce and yes, to H.

 

But suggestion taken. Maybe I should take a break and visit the seaside. My cousin lives in Brighton. Maybe I can go there for a weekend.

[OldRover]

At this point I am too weak. I mean if he asked for it, I would give in immediately.

 

It will take me a while to develop resolve to say no. Because I still so want him back.

But I don't have to worry about him asking. From our conversation, I know H will not ask for it.

 

I disagree with Lois, and you can do what you want. If you want him in your bed, that's ok, just realize that it could backfire.

 

However, with a once loving relationship, it sounds like he still has "some" feelings toward you, and if rekindling those feelings in the bedroom works, so be it. I'd bet my bottom dollar it isn't just sex for either of you.

 

Now, you'll still have to do more.

[anika99]

Your posts are full of contradictions. In one you say I don't have any remorse. And if I do want my H back I should be humbling myself to him.

 

And now you are telling me that I shouldn't have sex with my H because its degrading.

 

What do you really want?

 

I don't see a contradiction. One can be remorseful and humble without being used for sex and without using sex. You are not going to win him back with sex. He's had sex with you thousands of times so it's not like having sex with you is going to blow his mind and make him weak. If you continue to have sex with him while knowing he is also messing around with other women you will just lower his opinion of you. One can be remorseful and humble without giving up their self respect. If you want to impress your husband now would be the time to show him a strong woman of high integrity and strong values. If he is 100% certain he wants to divorce then nothing you do or don't do will change his mind but I think your chances are better if you don't let him use you for easy available sex.

 

You have made it clear to him that you want him back. There comes a time when the best thing to do is back off and let things happen. Start moving on in your life, stop calling your husband and sharing your thoughts and feeling with him. He knows how you feel, now give him a chance to miss you. I have had several long term relationships in my life and when a guy wanted to dump me throwing myself at him and continuing to have sex with him never worked, not once. Without fail, every single one of my exes came running back only after I walked away and they stopped hearing from me altogether. I think partly because the were given the chance to miss me and partly because they respected me more for walking away instead of clinging and grasping at straws and using sex.

 

I'm not saying that letting go of your husband and walking away is a guarantee he will want you back. I'm saying he will respect you more for giving him space and preserving your integrity and self respect at the same time and if he gains greater respect for you than the chances of him wanting you back will be higher. And if he never wants you back then you will have a headstart on your recovery and healing.

[whichwayisup]

You two can become the best co parents to your kids and have a genuine care and respect for one another, aim for that. The more you two get along and stay on good terms, the better off your kids are.

 

His private life is his, so don't ask about it - It'll just hurt you. You're not ready to date, then don't. Focus on grieving and letting go, accepting that you two are divorcing and let yourself heal....

[elaine567]

I don't see a contradiction. One can be remorseful and humble without being used for sex and without using sex. You are not going to win him back with sex. He's had sex with you thousands of times so it's not like having sex with you is going to blow his mind and make him weak. If you continue to have sex with him while knowing he is also messing around with other women you will just lower his opinion of you. One can be remorseful and humble without giving up their self respect. If you want to impress your husband now would be the time to show him a strong woman of high integrity and strong values. If he is 100% certain he wants to divorce then nothing you do or don't do will change his mind but I think your chances are better if you don't let him use you for easy available sex.

 

I agree this sex and begging to basically be a FWB or an OW for her husband, will lower his opinion further. Wasn't it being an OW that got the OP into trouble in the first place? He slunk pretty quickly away to sleep on the couch after the sex, and would not talk, so it could not be seen as a positive bonding experience.

 

If we are to believe he bided his time for 8 years after her affair, to wreak his revenge, then this "casual" quickie sex that she is prepared to give him, behind his gfs back will merely underline his poor opinion of her.

[66Charger]

It is not degrading. You love him and now you want him as a man. Took you long enough. He felt second best for years because of the letter. Now he knows the intimacy with you is "amazing" by your words. Better keep that thought process going. I wouldnt be surprised if he decided within a week, that it is too early to date.

 

The notion that you shouldnt use intimacy to reconnect with your husband and stave off divorce is ridiculous. Just as long as you want the sex too. With him. Because it is amazing.

 

So go ahead and have sex with him again. And again. And again. What do you have to lose? Your dignity? Baloney.

 

You have enough posters that will say this is horrible advice, and you should move on.

Why? Sure this might blow up in your face, but whats the worst that could happen? You might get divorced? Oh, my bad, thats already happening!

Have some courage. Go get him back RT. Have him over to your house just for dinner as much as you can and see what happens.

 

Flame away, but she wants him back. Think like a man. And a lot of these post arent even close to how a man thinks.

Edited August 29, 2015 by 66Charger

[oldshirt]

I don't think I am ready for another relationship yet. Because my mind is too wrapped up in the divorce and yes, to H.

 

But suggestion taken. Maybe I should take a break and visit the seaside. My cousin lives in Brighton. Maybe I can go there for a weekend.

 

 

 

I didn't say a word about another relationship.

 

 

 

 

I said it would do you good to get out and get some fresh air and some fun.

[oldshirt]

 

Then after a pause he said they weren't very serious with her but still felt bad that we had sex last week.

 

 

 

I basically gave him an open invitation to my bed.

 

He understood what I was asking. But that would make him a cheater (this cut me). And he doesn't think its a very good idea for me too.

 

 

.

 

 

 

This is very damming.

 

 

This means he sees you as 'the other woman.'

 

 

This means he sees you as the dirty little secret.

 

 

In his heart and mind this gal is not an 'other woman' and she is not even a revenge affair to get back at you for cheating on him. He sees her as potential GF lefitimate prospect and you are the dirty little secret.

 

 

 

 

This is very disrespectful and disparaging to you as a person and mother of his child. You should be pissed, humiliated and moritified, not vying for his attentions and affections.

Edited August 29, 2015 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

However, with a once loving relationship, it sounds like he still has "some" feelings toward you, and if rekindling those feelings in the bedroom works, so be it.

 

.

 

 

 

I'm not going to dig up the old thread, but I believe that they have been sexually active for the last 8 years and were sexually active up until he announced he was leaving.

 

 

If a good romp or two in the sack was all that was needed to save the marriage, then we wouldn't be here having this discussion in the first place.

[elaine567]

So go ahead and have sex with him again. And again. And again. What do you have to lose? Your dignity? Baloney.

 

He rejected her offer of an open invitation to her bed, and told her he saw sex with her, as cheating on his gf of "supposedly" only 3 weeks.

He sees the OP as the OW, with his gf occupying the legitimate high ground.

 

The OP is no longer a key player here, who with a bit of guile and seduction could entice him back into the marriage - she is already old news.

He apparently has already moved on.