oldshirt Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but just pointing out the double standard. If some guy had wrote in here that his wife packed up and moved out, test drove some other dude(s) for a couple months, then just showed up wanting to walk hand-in-hand through the park with nothing but smiles and googally eyes, People would lose their frick'n minds telling him to kick her to the curb and not to be back up plan and fall back guy. Why is this scenario different? Why does he get a free pass to turn her life upside down, bounce around on top of some other chick(s) for a couple months and then just turn back up to take up where he left off? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but just pointing out the double standard. If some guy had wrote in here that his wife packed up and moved out, test drove some other dude(s) for a couple months, then just showed up wanting to walk hand-in-hand through the park with nothing but smiles and googally eyes, People would lose their frick'n minds telling him to kick her to the curb and not to be back up plan and fall back guy. Why is this scenario different? Why does he get a free pass to turn her life upside down, bounce around on top of some other chick(s) for a couple months and then just turn back up to take up where he left off? I think its because she is a wayward and he left because he couldn't get over her affair. Its mostly because all this cases are different and in this situation its kinda clear that the affair was never dealt with it was mostly rugswept. Add that I don't think she ever really understood the damage her affair created until he left. I personally don't think its going to be what she thinks, I believe there is a very good chance it was a flash down memory lane for her husband. Most of us have these moments after leaving long term relationships or marriages. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Just wanted people who supported me here to let them know that I just had a wonderful drinks and dinner with a very handsome man who also happens to be my husband. I got two invitations from my university for the Carnage bar crawl and I invited my husband. My husband has recently broken up with the GF he was seeing. And I took this oppurtunity. Yes I am selfish bitch I only care about myself. We roamed around the city, pub to pub, holding each other by our waists, kissed several times, sparks all over. It was a wonderful wonderful night. I am dizzy!!! RT, Good for you both. Keep up the good work, but take it slow, and know this may be a "long" game. I am pulling for you. No you are not a selfish bitch, you just want your family back. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but just pointing out the double standard. If some guy had wrote in here that his wife packed up and moved out, test drove some other dude(s) for a couple months, then just showed up wanting to walk hand-in-hand through the park with nothing but smiles and googally eyes, People would lose their frick'n minds telling him to kick her to the curb and not to be back up plan and fall back guy. Why is this scenario different? Why does he get a free pass to turn her life upside down, bounce around on top of some other chick(s) for a couple months and then just turn back up to take up where he left off? Oldshirt, Some of us were not happy at how RT's Husband treated her, and there were long arguments on her different threads. Your comments do you credit. No, he should not get a pass, but RT is in the best place to forgive this, or go forward. So if this is what she wants, the more power to her. Maybe between, her cheating and his "abandonment" they can find themselves as a loving couple again. I wish her luck in whatever outcome she is looking for...... Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I think RT just enjoyed the moment. No big future plans, she just basked in that moment and that's it. Could his fling have purged his soul? Who knows. Maybe, having a steady girl, strongly rejecting his wife, and all points in between made him feel better. Who knows? Also, this is not a double standard deal. Believe me, there is one, but not this time. He said it was over, filed, told the kid, family, and was open. True, they aren't divorced, but this was not a "traditional" affair nor was ita RA. ( I do realise the absurdity of tthe concept of a traditional affair) This was a "moving on and not looking back" situation. Life goes on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Oldshirt, Some of us were not happy at how RT's Husband treated her, and there were long arguments on her different threads. Your comments do you credit. No, he should not get a pass, but RT is in the best place to forgive this, or go forward. So if this is what she wants, the more power to her. Maybe between, her cheating and his "abandonment" they can find themselves as a loving couple again. I wish her luck in whatever outcome she is looking for...... I'm confused. Besides telling the kid about her cheating, what exactly did her BH do wrong? It never ceases to amaze me on these infidelity boards that when a BH divorces a remorseful WW, he is usually perceived as the bad guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm confused. Besides telling the kid about her cheating, what exactly did her BH do wrong? It never ceases to amaze me on these infidelity boards that when a BH divorces a remorseful WW, he is usually perceived as the bad guy. He was pretty upfront with her in his desire to be with other women during their separation/divorce, including disclosing plans for specific trips with new partners. Many thought he was rubbing her nose in it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Clouds in my sunshine. Why there is a need to drag dirt on this womans happiness is beyond me. LS at its "not so finest" While I would agree that alot should not be read into it, It is good that you are happy, so take this opportunity and run with it RT. No need to push, just enjoy the moments and build on them. You may not be out of the woods but if you can show your HUSBAND what your second life together may be like, perhaps one day you can bury the dead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) When I was a young boy I used to make these things called "suicides". You'e basically pour a bunch of beverages in a cup (often with the assistance of a willing soda fountain). The concoctions were crazy and made no sense to me or anyone else. The results were varied. Sometimes they were awful and had to be dumped down the drain. Others were 'meh. Some were magically amazing but impossible to recreate. But every so often, i'd find a new blend, a new recipe, that would instantly become my favorite drink. The point is that sometimes you have to just give it a try and when something really amazing happens, just enjoy it for what it is. To this day, I'll still do it if I find an unguarded soda fountain or juice bar... Thanks for sharing RT! Edited October 21, 2015 by Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 My God! You guys are such a depressing lot. LOL I would like to say there are something I should have mentioned. My husband isn't asking me to go out with him. It was me that asked. Weekends are when he has our son. So when I wanted to ask him, I was not sure he will sacrifice father-son time to hang out with me. But he did. I will sure reward him for that with an extra evening of father-son time. At the end of the night, he dropped me to my apartment. I asked him to crash the night there. I knew what I wanted. He knew too. But instead he slowly let my hand go while walking away with a smile on his face that I love so much. #felt sad. So people tell people telling me to be careful and not read too much into it, yes you guys actually concluded it right. We started slowly. Kind of both of us waiting to get drunk before letting go of our shields. But as far as I remember, heavily drunk though I was, no crazy promises were made neither any sad discussions about the affair. We have been to many bar crawl festivals before. We were mainly talking about them and what happened. And when the music hit, thats when we started dancing, kissing and groping. Actually I received a call from him. He said last night was crazy, his head was pounding. He doesn't know how he is going to carry himself in work for the of the day. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hl1962 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Working on being the best/good friends first. Happy for you. You truly deserve the moment! My God! You guys are such a depressing lot. LOL I would like to say there are something I should have mentioned. My husband isn't asking me to go out with him. It was me that asked. Weekends are when he has our son. So when I wanted to ask him, I was not sure he will sacrifice father-son time to hang out with me. But he did. I will sure reward him for that with an extra evening of father-son time. At the end of the night, he dropped me to my apartment. I asked him to crash the night there. I knew what I wanted. He knew too. But instead he slowly let my hand go while walking away with a smile on his face that I love so much. #felt sad. So people tell people telling me to be careful and not read too much into it, yes you guys actually concluded it right. We started slowly. Kind of both of us waiting to get drunk before letting go of our shields. But as far as I remember, heavily drunk though I was, no crazy promises were made neither any sad discussions about the affair. We have been to many bar crawl festivals before. We were mainly talking about them and what happened. And when the music hit, thats when we started dancing, kissing and groping. Actually I received a call from him. He said last night was crazy, his head was pounding. He doesn't know how he is going to carry himself in work for the of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 RT I see this as a chance....while you are still married but likely to change, accept that. See this opening as an opportunity to start anew!! You have already had one awesome experience with your STBXH. Build on that by being an awesome parent and co-parent. Seek out none aggressive ways to do things as a family and show your STBXH the value of the family even after the D is final. Take it in steps without expectations. Even if there is no R, make the best of what he has to offer. I think he truly did try to get over the past but was unable to do so but maybe as a 'new start" he will be able to do so..... This might be the only way I'd be able to do this if I were in his place. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I am not going to read this whole thread, but you say you are separated and have a pending divorce. well...what do you think a normal man is going to do to heal that pain...find another woman for fun. at this point it will be a miracle to get him back. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I am not going to read this whole thread, but you say you are separated and have a pending divorce. well...what do you think a normal man is going to do to heal that pain...find another woman for fun. at this point it will be a miracle to get him back. Very true and as time goes on without any attempt at getting back together, the chances dramatically diminish. Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) I am not going to read this whole thread, but you say you are separated and have a pending divorce. well...what do you think a normal man is going to do to heal that pain...find another woman for fun. at this point it will be a miracle to get him back. .. at least read some of the thread. She's slept with him once, he broke up with his girlfriend and the two of them have been out recently, having fun, holding each other by the waist and kissing. Plenty of life can happen in eight pages of a thread. Edited October 25, 2015 by World's.Edge Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 Not sure where this topic fits (definitely not in the infidelity section) so I though it best to post here since technically we are still married but not cheating on each other... Some of you who read my last thread will know that me and my H spent a night out together. It was wonderful. We even kissed. After that there were two other family outings with our son where sparks were flying between us and we were definitely flirting with each other. I was soooooo hopeful that maybe we were moving in a positive direction even if the divorce was still ongoing. But as many of you have said their not to put too much hope, I did. And I got burned because of it. This week I found out he is again seeing someone else. I WAS PISSED. I WAS ENRAGED. I called him up and let him my mind. He reiterated that we were getting divorced. Our personal lives were separate now. What was happening was we both of us were flowing in the moment during our night out. Thats why he rejected the offer to sleep in my apartment that night. I was devastated. So yesterday I went out with a friend and her BF. We were joined by a friend of the BF. And I intentionally flirted with the guy. And I ended up sleeping with him. And I totally regret it now. This is just a rant. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Not sure where this topic fits (definitely not in the infidelity section) so I though it best to post here since technically we are still married but not cheating on each other... ....................... This week I found out he is again seeing someone else. ..................... And I ended up sleeping with him. You're married and you're not cheating on each other? Doesn't seem to be the case from what you say. You're probably better off continuing with the divorce and getting it over... then you can feel good about your ONSs. I don't thing your marriage has a chance at all with both of your actions. What do YOU want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 You're married and you're not cheating on each other? Doesn't seem to be the case from what you say. You're probably better off continuing with the divorce and getting it over... then you can feel good about your ONSs. I don't thing your marriage has a chance at all with both of your actions. What do YOU want? During the separation my H made it clear that he intends to see other people. And I was free to do so. So no we are not cheating on one another. The thing I want most is my husband back, show him how much I love him and how valuable he is to me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 It certainly doesn't sound like he wants to come back with his new dating life and all. I would definitely get used to the fact that the divorce is going to happen. He pretty much confirmed it. I think he's right that your personal lives are separate at this point. Sleeping with other men just to get revenge is only going to make you feel empty and cheap. I would suggest you wait until you meet a man that you feel a connection with before you have sex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 During the separation my H made it clear that he intends to see other people. And I was free to do so. So no we are not cheating on one another. The thing I want most is my husband back, show him how much I love him and how valuable he is to me. Ok, I can accept that you're not cheating, but you both have sex with other people... that's not going to help. You have a huge uphill battle to get him back in your life. Bring us up to date, why the divorce in the first place, and what needs to be mended to make this work? And does he show ANY sign of wanting to be back in your life forever? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Why do you regret it? Because ONS are not your thing? Is it because you are worried your H may find out and it eliminates any chance of reconciling? No point regretting it....just try and block it out. That's what I try and do. I know you were hopeful.....but it's easy to get caught in the moment and go with the flow of things. Go easy on yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 RT Do you have to be seperated 2 years before the divorce is final? I was wondering why the delay with finalising the divorce. I believe that's the UK law unless unreasonable behaviour or infidelity is cited...and as the infidelity was 8 years ago and you stayed together... he couldn't have cited that.....or did he? I just think until the D is final you'll still be holding onto hope and that will only hurt you in the end. I 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author remorseful_tab Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 @Sandylee.....you have guessed it right. Husband cannot file under adultery because it happened more than 6 months ago (actually 8 years ago) and we have been living together ever since. He cannot file it under unreasonable behaviour is because there is none. So we have to be 2 years separated before we can get a divorce on mutual consent. This is the definition of "no fault divorce" in UK. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 @Sandylee.....you have guessed it right. Husband cannot file under adultery because it happened more than 6 months ago (actually 8 years ago) and we have been living together ever since. He cannot file it under unreasonable behaviour is because there is none. So we have to be 2 years separated before we can get a divorce on mutual consent. This is the definition of "no fault divorce" in UK. It's quite a while isn't it....2 years. I guess they don't want people getting divorced willy nilly.....They really want you to reconcile........those people at Somerset House. I told my friend this and she made the mistake of letting her husband come back (no cheating) when she wanted a divorce..and the clock starts ticking again....and nd that's if he doesn't contest the divorce..which could be 5 years ...she was in tears when I said that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 It's quite a while isn't it....2 years. I guess they don't want people getting divorced willy nilly.....They really want you to reconcile........those people at Somerset House. I told my friend this and she made the mistake of letting her husband come back (no cheating) when she wanted a divorce..and the clock starts ticking again....and nd that's if he doesn't contest the divorce..which could be 5 years ...she was in tears when I said that. Wow, what crazy laws. That really hurts for folks that go through 4 or 5 marriages <g>. Link to post Share on other sites
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