I think I made a big mistake

[oldshirt]

It is not degrading. You love him and now you want him as a man. Took you long enough. He felt second best for years because of the letter. Now he knows the intimacy with you is "amazing" by your words. Better keep that thought process going. I wouldnt be surprised if he decided within a week, that it is too early to date.

 

The notion that you shouldnt use intimacy to reconnect with your husband and stave off divorce is ridiculous. Just as long as you want the sex too. With him. Because it is amazing.

 

So go ahead and have sex with him again. And again. And again. What do you have to lose? Your dignity? Baloney.

 

You have enough posters that will say this is horrible advice, and you should move on.

Why? Sure this might blow up in your face, but whats the worst that could happen? You might get divorced? Oh, my bad, thats already happening!

Have some courage. Go get him back RT. Have him over to your house just for dinner as much as you can and see what happens.

 

Flame away, but she wants him back. Some of these post are NOT how men think.

 

 

 

Yes, this is horrible advice.

 

 

They have been sexually active throughout their marriage and have had sex thousands of times.

 

 

He still left. what makes anyone think that the next time they bang one out he will change his mind?

[understand50]

So I couldn't keep it together and called my H.

 

First we talked about what our son was doing and other things for 2-3 minutes. Then I asked him whether he was seeing someone. He said what did I mean. I said Lottie saw him with a woman. He was aghast and asked was I spying on him. I knew the conversation will blow up if I used an accusatory tone. So I kept it light and said it was just a thing Lottie mentioned in passing yesterday and I was just curious. I am a woman and we are gossipy creatures. And we still happen to be H and W. So its natural I would be interested in my H...

 

He admitted and said he was seeing her for the last 3 weeks. I just ok. And it killed me to say this but I still told him I was happy for him. Then after a pause he said they weren't very serious with her but still felt bad that we had sex last week. She knows that he is married but separated and getting divorced. But he feels that he still should mention that he was with me.

 

I was listening to him. But after this I couldn't stop it. I said to him even if we divorce, our last together will always be a memory to me, just like our first. It was wonderful and fantastic and I haven't felt so alive in a long time. I only wished if I had the chance to have it more with him. And I would love it if it was not our last but I know that may not be possible.

 

I basically gave him an open invitation to my bed.

 

He understood what I was asking. But that would make him a cheater (this cut me). And he doesn't think its a very good idea for me too.

 

And I just said I understood. But it still felt wonderful when I had sex with him. And I needed him to know that because I didn't get a chance to say that to him that day. He thanked me. I also thanked him for being honest with me inspite of the fact that I wasn't honest with him when I was cheating.

 

There was an awkward silence before he said he had to go and we can talk later.

 

So I am officially competing for my H's attention, I guess.

 

remorseful_tab,

 

Play this as you see this. Do what you think is best for you and your son. You are getting a bunch of advise here, take what you need. Maybe, sex is what can reconnect you both. When I look back at my marriage, sex is what held us together during hard times. I only ask that you be careful and not hurt yourself, if possible. I think a trip to Brighton, would be good for you.

Brighton, is a place I always wanted to visit, but as I live in the US, I am sure it is not what I would expect. Also talk to your cousin, and get their take. We are just whispers on the internet, and I am sure they will know more, and care about you, when giving advise.

 

I would also suggest you keeping in touch with your In-laws, as they can be a great help. I am sure they love their grandson, and it will be a good thing to have a steady relationship with them.

 

As for you being remorseful about your past, well that is subjective, I would not pay attention to what we say here. Fighting for your husband, and loving him is not a bad thing. Maybe, by doing this he will see what he is going to miss, and the life he is going to have to lead. So, I do think you have cause for hope. Move on when YOU feel you must. This is your life, and family, if you want to fight, well think out a plan and fight.

 

I wish you luck.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't know... The welcome mat was put out, he flat out refused. At this point, if he comes back for sex, I think it'll be either out of pity, ease of access, or a desire for no strings sex. I mean, we aren't talking her saying she's interested in reconciling, we are talking her saying she us interested in having sex. Two different things.

 

Just leaving the door open at this point, honestly, seems desperate and needy. It's a girl screaming "want me" to a guy who's saying no.

 

If you must, go all in and say you want to reconcile and get ready for the no way. The offer to have sex whenever is a desperate attempt to turn what's essentially a one night stand into a meaningful relationship.

 

Besides, let'let's be honest... My husbands ex offered the "come back for it when you want it," as did my ex. In my case, I know it was offered because it was it's hard to break the habit of a relationship. In my husband's ex's case, it was a way for her to not have to deal with the relationship ending. It didn't make him more inclined to stay.

[singer23]

So was he cheating on her with you?

[sandylee1]

So was he cheating on her with you?

 

No. As he started seeing her 3 weeks ago, some time after he'd already announced the divorce. Although some here don't believe that.

 

As a general rule....a WS/FWS, who accuses a BS of cheating, doesn't go down well. It's seen as the WS judging the BS by their own standards.

[66Charger]

Sandy, I am pretty sure singer was referring to Readheaded Mistress.

Edited August 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[SummerDreams]

@66charger I am sure many men get manipulated by sex and some women dont mind. But there are some women (I hope many) who dont want to keep a man or get him back using sex. There are two choices in life, either you respect yourself and keep your dignity or you dont. If you dont respect yourself how will others respect you?

 

@OP I never was of the opinion you can win your H back and I am sorry to say. English is not my first language but I am pretty sure I nowhere advised you how to win back your H. I said you should accept the fact you lost him and move on with your life. As for your being remorsrful or not, I do belueve you are, but can you specify why exactly?

[elaine567]

I don't know... The welcome mat was put out, he flat out refused. At this point, if he comes back for sex, I think it'll be either out of pity, ease of access, or a desire for no strings sex. I mean, we aren't talking her saying she's interested in reconciling, we are talking her saying she us interested in having sex. Two different things.

Just leaving the door open at this point, honestly, seems desperate and needy. It's a girl screaming "want me" to a guy who's saying no.

I agree.

#47

Even in my fevered state I felt horny at the sight of him sitting by my head and sponging my forehead. I went to kiss him. He was surprised, then said we shouldn't. I said we are not divorced yet. He said I was sick. I told him I can handle it. Then we did it. It felt amazing at the time! His touch felt so wonderful.

 

But it was after the sex that things became awkward. He left the room and said to me to sleep. I asked him to sleep beside me. I really wanted to talk to him. But he refused and said he should sleep on the couch. And there he went to sleep. It was sometime after he left that I started crying. I am sure he heard my muffled cries even from the drawing room where he was sleeping because they are adjacent. But never did he once come inside. And to top it all he left in the morning without saying a goodbye (I was asleep).

[Redheaded Mistress]

Sandy, I am pretty sure singer was referring to Readheaded Mistress.

 

I don't imagine that to be true as it makes no sense.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I agree.

#47

 

Yeah... Dude knows it's not attachment free sex as advertised, just a means for her to think the relationship still has a chance and that, by going back to the well, he'll have to keep breaking up with her. He realized that 30 seconds after sex had finished and acted accordingly.

 

And he would feel too guilty cheating on the girl of 3 weeks to have sex with his estranged wife? That doesn't sound like a dishonest guy who started a relationship before the marriage was over. If he feels too guilty to cheat on casual, 3 week girlfriend, here's guessing he'd feel the same about an affair behind his wife's back.

[oldshirt]

 

 

He realized that 30 seconds after sex had finished and acted accordingly.

.

 

 

 

Naw, I'm sure he realized it going in (no pun intended). He saw an opportunity for one last romp for the road and went for it.

 

 

That may be kinda crappy on his part but I don't think it goes any deeper or has any more meaning than that.

 

 

Almost all divorcing couples have one (or several) last romps before they bid their final farewells. This was just theirs.

[oldshirt]

Yeah... Dude knows it's not attachment free sex as advertised, just a means for her to think the relationship still has a chance and that, by going back to the well, he'll have to keep breaking up with her.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

If sex was what was to keep them together, he could've just stayed married.

[elaine567]

And he would feel too guilty cheating on the girl of 3 weeks to have sex with his estranged wife? That doesn't sound like a dishonest guy who started a relationship before the marriage was over. If he feels too guilty to cheat on casual, 3 week girlfriend, here's guessing he'd feel the same about an affair behind his wife's back.

 

OK, he may have felt guilty, but he still did it, his guilt was after the fact, NOT before.

 

I am still guessing his now gf, was his OW or on the scene at least, the day he walked out.

To my mind, his loyalty to her and his rejection of his wife, confirms not refutes my suspicions.

She is his future, his wife is the past.

I agree with oldshirt - it was "one last romp for the road"

[Redheaded Mistress]

Naw, I'm sure he realized it going in (no pun intended). He saw an opportunity for one last romp for the road and went for it.

 

That may be kinda crappy on his part but I don't think it goes any deeper or has any more meaning than that.

 

Almost all divorcing couples have one (or several) last romps before they bid their final farewells. This was just theirs.

 

I don't think it was that he saw an opportunity for a romp and took it, he's had that from nearly the start. I suspect goodbye sex, as you said at the end, or maybe pity sex. And like you said, it's not uncommon and it doesn't mean a reconciliation is in the cards.

[minimariah]

So I am officially competing for my H's attention, I guess.

 

right now - you're not even in the competition.

 

your H wants to move on. he probably still has some unresolved feelings - because leaving a marriage is never easy - but he wants to move on without you. that's pretty much all you need to know. is he seeing someone new, was he cheating on you...? i honestly don't think it even matters anymore - because he doesn't want to be with you.

 

you begged, offered... he declined. you did all you could. at this point moving on and focusing on your kid and your life would be the best thing to do. NC as much as possible and tell your friends not to feed you any infos about him or his personal life.

 

it will take a while - but you'll get to the accepting phase. i really think it's a done deal. and i also think any further begging and "offering" would be a huge mistake because it will probably lead to him eventually losing respect for you completely. you tried & did the best you could to reconcile - it didn't work out. focus on that and on accepting that it's probably finally over.

[Redheaded Mistress]

OK, he may have felt guilty, but he still did it, his guilt was after the fact, NOT before.

 

 

Um, yeah... He did feel guilty about it beforehand. In fact, he said no. Repeatedly. By her own story, he said they shouldn't, she was sick, and made very clear he wasn't into it before he basically pulling a "I guess" ended up having sex with her. It wasn't a story of inseparable passion, it was a story of her initiating, his saying no, her begging a bit, and him basically saying "I guess" before going into the other room, listening to her cry, and rushing out the door as soon as he was able.

 

 

I bet if we were to ask him, it wasn't an experience with electric kisses and his tingling at her touch. He basically told her as much when she spilled that it was the most meaningful sex she's ever had... He didn't even agree when she said she was glad such an intimate encounter was their last. He didn't mention at all that it was meaningful. Instead, he said he shouldn't have, that he had to confess to his current girlfriend because he felt bad, and he said when she said she's available anytime, anywhere that he didn't want to, it wasn't good for her, and he was more into doing right by his not serious girlfriend than returning back to her.

 

 

She spilled her guts, said it was an emotional experience, she loved it, him, them, everything about them and he said "thanks." Not even a "me too."

 

 

Let's be honest... For her this was a Jane Austen encounter, for him it was not nearly so significant.

 

I am still guessing his now gf, was his OW or on the scene at least, the day he walked out.

To my mind, his loyalty to her and his rejection of his wife, confirms not refutes my suspicions.

She is his future, his wife is the past.

I agree with oldshirt - it was "one last romp for the road"

 

I think the jaded souls of this forum are intent on thinking the absolute worst of everybody. If he left, it isn't because the marriage was bad, he wasn't happy, and he's wanting something better... It was because he was having an affair and another woman was waiting for him. But he's just not acting that way.

 

 

He could have denied the girl existed, said she was a friend, said she was nobody, freaked out on his STBX for being so nosey and accused her of having him spied on... He didn't. He said it was a non-serious relationship with a girl and even gave how long they'd been together. He didn't have to do that.

 

 

She gave him an open invite to her STBX to visit her bed anytime, essentially returning the reverse status quo (if he were cheating) with him being with his wife sexually, his OW openly, and being around his child. He said no. And he said that kind of setup hurts his honor. If he was cheating, returning to what arraignment he had before, only reversed to favor the woman he wants to be with, he wouldn't be so focused on his honor.

 

 

He could have fed her a thousand lines to keep her on the hook, but no... He says he can't, he won't, it's not good for her, and he needs to tell his girlfriend what's up because it's not fair to her. If he were cheating, he would have been doing the opposite and clearly had been Ok with continuing on doing it... But he said he didn't want to and said it was dishonest to do so.

 

 

Sorry, these sentiments don't add up to a guy who's been living a double life. He seems like a guy who's over his marriage, has been for awhile, and is finally strong enough to cut the cord and move on. And he seems like he wishes she'd do the same.

 

 

Realistically, does it make rational sense that she comes to him and says "you're with a girl" and he says "yup, I am" if he's been cheating on her and working so hard to hide it?

Edited August 30, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress

[OldRover]

We really don't know if the husband was cheating. The bike ride proves little.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to have to say this but the fact he feels guilty and is going to tell her that you were intimate kind of says it all. He wants to pursue a relationship with her more than he wants to preserve one with you. He fired you for breach of contract, his new love is a blank slate and together they can discuss what they both need to feel safe. My guess is you could no longer do that for him.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

You describe the sex last week like it was so amazing, passionate and sensual...........have you ever felt that connected to him before, with his touch feeling magical? Or is it that you've realised what a good thing you had now that he's gone?

[remorseful_tab]

Just wanted people who supported me here to let them know that I just had a wonderful drinks and dinner with a very handsome man who also happens to be my husband.

 

I got two invitations from my university for the Carnage bar crawl and I invited my husband. My husband has recently broken up with the GF he was seeing. And I took this oppurtunity. Yes I am selfish bitch I only care about myself.

 

We roamed around the city, pub to pub, holding each other by our waists, kissed several times, sparks all over. It was a wonderful wonderful night.

 

I am dizzy!!!

[DKT3]

Just wanted people who supported me here to let them know that I just had a wonderful drinks and dinner with a very handsome man who also happens to be my husband.

 

I got two invitations from my university for the Carnage bar crawl and I invited my husband. My husband has recently broken up with the GF he was seeing. And I took this oppurtunity. Yes I am selfish bitch I only care about myself.

 

We roamed around the city, pub to pub, holding each other by our waists, kissed several times, sparks all over. It was a wonderful wonderful night.

 

I am dizzy!!!

 

As a man once in your husbands shoes I would say embrace that moment with no expectations.

 

I'm happy for you, but be careful.

[kgcolonel]

RT, this is great news.....cherish the moment and him like there is no tomorrow for we know not what tomorrow brings. Be optimistic and positive with him....great news!!

[qubist]

Just wanted people who supported me here to let them know that I just had a wonderful drinks and dinner with a very handsome man who also happens to be my husband.

 

I got two invitations from my university for the Carnage bar crawl and I invited my husband. My husband has recently broken up with the GF he was seeing. And I took this oppurtunity. Yes I am selfish bitch I only care about myself.

 

We roamed around the city, pub to pub, holding each other by our waists, kissed several times, sparks all over. It was a wonderful wonderful night.

 

I am dizzy!!!

I'm very happy for you, I knew he loved you, I had suggested you should not give up on him.

Your first thread was called " Did I deserve all this punishment?" the answer to that question is NO you did not.

good luck

[remorseful_tab]

Thank you everyone.

 

We were even pictured by a photographer holding each other and drooling on one another. The university districts were crawling with students and young lovers. Reminded me when we were just like them when we were young. Its Just like our younger days when we were in there. Sloshed and all that Such a romantic atmosphere. Bands were playing on the streets and we were dancing. For a long time, I never enjoyed myself like this. And its more special when you are with someone you always loved.

 

Guess I am sounding ridiculous. Pardon me

[m.snow]

RT! Happy for you!

 

I only pray for more happiness in you.

 

Life is made up of special moments which make it worth living.

sometimes you will never know the true values of a moment until it becomes a wonderful memory.

 

Bless you and your husband, also your wonderful kid.