Why I'm DONE with online dating...

[Heatherknows]

That would be fake. And hopefully they will see through that too.

 

Men and women, when it comes to dating we want the truth don't we? From someone kind and genuine who truly believes that we are nice, beautiful, interesting etc. We don't want someone to try out some lines they read in a book to try to 'trick' us into thinking they are interested! And we certainly don't want someone that is just giving us a chance because they can't do any better. It's not a charity.

 

OP, tell us, WHY were you talking to that woman?

 

True enough. But I'd rather hear nice fake stuff then have someone rip my ego to shreds and then send me a song about it. OMG...

[Heatherknows]

If a person was sensitive and insecure about how they looked, that IS how they'd take it.

 

I don't think there is any other way to read that comment other than insulting. If someone said that to me I'd cut them off immediately.

[xxoo]

I don't think there is any other way to read that comment other than insulting. If someone said that to me I'd cut them off immediately.

 

I didn't necessarily take it as an insult. It didn't even dawn on me that it could be primarily about looks until I'd read the other replies.

 

My reaction would be to see the response as information about him, not about me. Still, I'd fade, because the response strikes me as extremely self-absorbed. I know what it's like to talk to someone who is into me, who why waste time with someone who isn't?

[WonderKid]

"Why are you even talking to me" when she asked that, seems like she was pitying herself from the get-go. It wasn't going to work no matter what you said or did. That's the thing about OLDing, the women do have more power sometimes, but you just gotta take it for what it is. It happened to me many times; like outta nowhere the girl would go MIA on me. Something I said? Didn't say? I didn't talk about sex...was that it?

 

At the end of the day you cannot ponder it. For her to ask that question, why is she even on a dating site in the first place.

When you said, "Everyone deserves a chance" it is coming from a guy's perspective because we don't get many chances as frequently as women do. I didn't take it as you calling her unattractive. But it's not impossible to "not" take it as that either.

[xxoo]

"Why are you even talking to me" when she asked that, seems like she was pitying herself from the get-go. It wasn't going to work no matter what you said or did.

 

But is that what she said?

 

Was having a rather nice conversation with a women (in my age bracket for once ) about life and music... she's also a musician who's played in a band for a while here in Phoenix, Arizona.

 

She asked about why I was talking to her, and I said, "Because everyone deserves a chance" always.

 

It's interesting that some see this question as "why would you even talk to me?", while most women see it as, "Tell me what made me stand out from the crowd." The first is seeking for reassurance. The second is seeking confirmation that the man is a good dating prospect.

[JuneJulySeptember]

"Why are you even talking to me" when she asked that, seems like she was pitying herself from the get-go.

 

I read it as more of a test. She wants to know why she is special and you didn't just message 20 women and she happened to respond.

 

To be honest, it seems just as self-absorbed too since we're on the topic, but if I only really get Freud about it.

 

I wouldn't next a person over that.

[Heatherknows]

But is that what she said?

 

 

 

It's interesting that some see this question as "why would you even talk to me?", while most women see it as, "Tell me what made me stand out from the crowd." The first is seeking for reassurance. The second is seeking confirmation that the man is a good dating prospect.

 

To be fair if I was doing Online Dating and a guy contacted me I'd assume it's because he found me attractive and wanted to fu@k me. So asking that question would never occur to me.

 

But she did ask hoping to get some ego stroking; not "I felt like it might be easier to score with you since your probably not getting too much attention." Which IMO is most likely what was going thru the OP's head.

Edited November 15, 2015 by Heatherknows

[xxoo]

I think think the question was a Rorschach blot. We all see what we project

 

I see a confident woman genuinely wanting to know what this man looks for in a woman.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's not a choice of words I'd use for sure and I didn't watch the song video but I've seen guys say much worse things to women (in real life though, not online). Dreadfully crude, objective, degrading and misogynistic things and days later the women in question were leaving the guys house with their underpants inside out.

 

If you're a desired man, you can literally say and do whatever you want and do no wrong.

 

Your'e probably right, as there are some women who fall in love with prisoners.

 

Anyhow, the problem with online dating it's so easy to dismiss or miscontrue what someone says. Some people, notably women, since women are the pursuees...may be so quick to dismiss a guy if anything remotely offends them.

 

They wind up deluding themselves or even scare themselves with their own horrid thoughts of what could possibly go wrong. lol

 

It's easy to find an excuse or reason not to meet up with someone if you've met them online as a lot of women tend to not take it too seriously.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Your'e probably right, as there are some women who fall in love with prisoners.

 

Anyhow, the problem with online dating it's so easy to dismiss or miscontrue what someone says. Some people, notably women, since women are the pursuees...may be so quick to dismiss a guy if anything remotely offends them.

 

They wind up deluding themselves or even scare themselves with their own horrid thoughts of what could possibly go wrong. lol

 

It's easy to find an excuse or reason not to meet up with someone if you've met them online as a lot of women tend to not take it too seriously.

 

The idea of rejecting people so early in dating and for small mis-steps is kind of funny to me, because really most of us guys have crass, idiotic, and disgusting things that we do that women have zero idea of until they really get to know us.

 

In my mind, that's the way dating should really be. You give LOTS of people first dates, go out with a lot of people, and then really find someone you click with.

 

Then again, maybe that is how it is for most women, they give first dates to tons of guys, and guys like us are still not even making the beach at Normandy. Who knows?

Edited November 15, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can't understand why a person showing that they have NO interest in you and that they ONLY want to talk about themselves should be given any further attention.

 

Some of you are coming from a place of being extremely lonely and isolated I think, and you believe that you would rather be with ANYONE who wasn't an evil abusive sociopath than to be alone. Others on this thread (MEN and women) have experienced being in BAD relationships. Or even just on terrible dates. They would rather be alone or wait when it's clear that's what's in store.

[Rejected Rosebud]

In my mind, that's the way dating should really be. You give LOTS of people first dates, go out with a lot of people, and then really find someone you click with.

When you KNOW you're not clicking with someone then no, you don't go on first dates with them. What YOU don't seem to understand or to accept is that for most of us, the true compatibility is hard to find. People are dating among those who MIGHT be truly compatible with them, even among those people most of them won't be the right people to go into a relationship with. When you get very clear information that the compatibility is not and cannot be there, you don't go any further. It is a waste of time and even unfair to the other person.

[nescafe1982]

I think if anything, a lot of women go into OLD with the misperception that they have to par down the number of eligible men to an impossible "1 guy at a time" standard, and this leads them to 'next' men who say something stupid or otherwise offend, even if the 'offense' was not a big deal or an honest mistake.

 

It's part of a wider problem with the way women date v. the way men date commonly. Pushed forth in part by social ideas that women who multi-date (date more then 1 man at a time casually) are loose, a lot of women will chat with guys online for suss them out and, ultimately, to make a choice about whether to 'commit' to seeing them in person.

 

They might only go on a first date with one guy at a time, and will rule out other suitors online until it's clear that the guy they're dating is not right for them.

 

It's a poor strategy in general because it leads women to rule out great matches because of their own over-commitment too early on. It also leads women to overlook red flags in a man they are dating because they have 'invested' in seeing him exclusively way too early. These issues are magnified in an online dating scenario, because as women get inundated by messages from many guys, they start to rule men out for small faux pas. They are can get focused on vetting guys online for too long before getting to meet them in person, thinking (incorrectly in most cases) that getting to know someone online is just as good as face-to-face (and less risky).

 

Women should multi-date more, basically. I did OLD to test the waters after a breakup from a long-term relationship because I was totally unsure of how to meet men. I ended up adopting the multidating strategy, usually going on 2 first dates a week and chatting with a 3rd man. That was a manageable number and it freed me up to meet up with guys who were well outside my normal "type." I learned a lot about what I wanted in a man, and I met a lot of great men who I might have 'nexted' had I been more invested in dating exclusively one guy at a time.

 

This was possible largely because I was a 28 year old professional in a big city with lots of options... but even still, I faced some pretty surprising hostility from female friends who found out that I was dating 'a pair and a spare.' I had strict ground rules for safety of course (no sex in multidating, no more than 2 dates a week, public places only, no going home with men), but a lot of women felt I was somehow breaking the 'rules' of dating... chief among them, that women are only supposed to date one man at a time from the very start.

 

Nevertheless, within a few months I met my husband, a man who I NEVER would have met any way other than OLD and who I might have ruled out for superficial reasons had I not been multi-dating. And he's amazing.

 

Anyway, what does this mean for this thread? For women, I suppose I'm suggesting that women OLDers consider their strategy in OLD. For men like OP, though, it's important to be aware that women typically approach OLD through the assumption that they will only date one man at a time IRL, so it's important to consider your approach, to stay positive, and to avoid personalizing it if she disappears on you.

 

Edit to add: didn't think of it til now, but every single female friend who criticized me for multi-dating is still single. Maybe it's related, maybe not. But it just occurred to me. Also, I never felt judged by my male friends for my strategy (and many of them were avid multi-daters).

Edited November 15, 2015 by nescafe1982

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

They might only go on a first date with one guy at a time, and will rule out other suitors online until it's clear that the guy they're dating is not right for them.

 

.

 

I agree with your post, but are you saying that most women only talk to one guy at a time on OLD. Go through 50 messages, pick the one and then just talk to him while totally discarding the other 49?

 

I don't think that is true.

[Kamille]

I agree with your post, but are you saying that most women only talk to one guy at a time on OLD. Go through 50 messages, pick the one and then just talk to him while totally discarding the other 49?

 

I don't think that is true.

 

I multi-date but even then, I don't real-life date more than 2 guys at a time. More is unmanageable time-wise.

 

To get to those two guys I corresponded with maybe 6 guys (out of the 62 first messages I received in a period of 3 weeks). I stopped writing to some of the 6 when it became clear I could not imagine myself sitting across the table from them for even a coffee. I told others some relationships had transitioned to off-line and that I was going to focus on those for awhile. They wished me luck but not too much luck.

 

Remember, what most women are looking for when on-line dating is a safe, interesting, light-hearted first meet-up. The OP's posts, his misunderstanding of her question and the song he sent her would have all been indications that she was in for a particular type of first meet: one where he would talk about himself a lot, even when she was opening the conversation to a topic that would help them build rapport. I would also have gotten the impression that he is cynical from both the story and the song. And if you've ever been on a date with a cynical self-obsessed person you learn to avoid them.

[bene]

If this is the mindset that turns women off... I'm done. Completely done. Love for others is dead. I guess I don't deserve love for myself, but I'll continue to dole it out. That's who I am until I die. F**k you haters. I just don't get you.

 

I don't understand what this conversation has to do with love for others? The anecdote about returning someone their wallet is what any decent person would do. I don't know what you talked about earlier but without more context it doesn't make sense.

 

As others have already said, "everyone deserves a chance" in answer to her question sounds like you are looking down on her and giving her a chance by talking to her. It is not how a woman wants to feel when talking to a man. At the point where you are still strangers it is easy to back off if something feels off.

 

Some people are struggling with reading social situations so I'm wondering do you really not see what could have rubbed her the wrong way or is this thread just for blowing off steam?

[nescafe1982]

I agree with your post, but are you saying that most women only talk to one guy at a time on OLD. Go through 50 messages, pick the one and then just talk to him while totally discarding the other 49?

 

I don't think that is true.

 

No, but what I am saying is that women will chat with lots of guys, cull the pool down to some manageable number, and then typically, they will only meet one guy at a time in real life.

 

And this strategy leads them to make snap judgments about whether to continue corresponding with a guy. Sometimes a small faux pas or misunderstanding will end all chatting where, in real life, a woman might be more likely to overlook initial awkwardness or be more tolerant of miscommunication.

 

Men who get to the first 'real life' date are often the ones where, through some combo of smoothness and pure luck, no incidents of awkwardness have occurred in the initial 'chatting' stage. It's worth keeping in mind that OLD is a particularly random way of connecting and that the potential for unwittingly offending someone is magnified, basically. My conclusion is that basically, for a man on OLD, the best strategy is to move from online to face-time as quickly as possible without scaring her away.

[aprilisi]

I multi date. I don't bring it up unless I'm asked and I'll be honest about it. That until I find a man and we want to make it official it's open season. Not in those words of course. Have had some men get upset about this. One in particular basically called me a slut after 2 dates cause he saw me on another date. This doesn't effect me. I feel like its a good way to weed out undesirables

[Imajerk17]

A few thoughts on this...

 

1. I Dating online or not, I think that socially savvy males get that in the Mating Dance, it is our job to move things along smoothly, all the while understanding that women (early on anyway) tend to be more self-protective and easily turned-off than men.

 

Anyway, making edgy comments/"negs" over text is especially risky. At least in person you can see the other party's reactions in real time, and you'll get a chance to explain/recover that you won't get over electronic communication (where she can vanish completely).

 

 

2. Forget the stigma of multidating for one gender over another. Giving up an evening for a date you already have misgivings about just doesn't seem like a good use of time to me, especially doing it > 2x/week. Who has time for that?

 

I mean, sometimes the really unlikely happens and we end up meeting our spouse that way. Sometimes we win the lottery too, and yet I still don't know of any financial advisors who recommend playing Powerball as a sound way to plan for retirement. You'd be better off putting your money in ventures with better expected return, just as you're more likely to meet your spouse not going on dates you're already not feeling, and instead going out with your friends, writing someone else on Match, going to an activity where you're likely to meet like-minded people, ect.

 

 

I do agree with @nescafe hat the above is all magnified on OLD, where there are so many options out there. But the OP really rubbed his comment in, and then he didn't see how it could have been taken the wrong way so he could correct ("Naw I was only joking. I think it's neat that you xxxxx"). That type of unawareness will typically sink you no matter how you meet someone. I do think you already noted this though.

Edited November 15, 2015 by Imajerk17

[WonderKid]

I read it as more of a test. She wants to know why she is special and you didn't just message 20 women and she happened to respond.

 

To be honest, it seems just as self-absorbed too since we're on the topic, but if I only really get Freud about it.

 

I wouldn't next a person over that.

 

You can't get Freudian on women like that man! Lol

I mean it's online dating though. Why even ask that? Idk

[GunslingerRoland]

If you're hitting on a girl and she goes fishing for compliments you don't put a tire on the hook unless you want her to go back to shore.

[Redfisher]

If you're hitting on a girl and she goes fishing for compliments you don't put a tire on the hook unless you want her to go back to shore.

 

Best advice yet....Bravo

[bluefeather]

Best advice yet....Bravo

 

just a side note but your quote made me chuckle

[GemmaUK]

I don't think she was asking the question 'Why are you talking to me?' to get a compliment. I think she was asking because he'd gone off on tangents like the one posted and was mostly talking about himself so her question was literally 'Why are you talking to me?'

 

His initial response has been covered already.

 

If I had received this message and heard about the wallet rescue I would wonder why the owner of the wallet was off about it's return.

I've returned wallets and purses to men and women and never had an off response to it.

It doesn't add up. I would think there is more to the story, something else happened.

 

As for the track, as I said before I don't think that helped at all. One of my all time fave US Punk tracks has a title that would stop me from sending it in a link in a mail to someone I was mailing on OLD.

 

Basically with OLD and real life if a man seems odd to me I will avoid that person.

I wouldn't continue on to a date if I had a weird feeling about someone.

[Protec]

Why I am tired of online dating? Women do not SPEAK.

 

I mean it's 1 out of 20 women who can actually have "intelligent" conversation.

 

I was talking with a woman, we talk about this and that. Then we came to the subject "travelling".

 

OH. MY. GOD. (yes, just like that woman in Friends...)

 

We were talking about what places would be nice to visit etc. I told my dream is to eat real New York hot dog one day and go to japan etc.

 

Then she asked "what places have you visited?"

 

"None. I've never been outside finland Weird huh?"

 

After that. Silent. She vanished She even contacted ME first. But i guess it's such a big crime not been abroad once. Sorry. I don't travel alone and when i have money, i don't have companion and vice versa.

 

I really am starting to feel women in OLD sites are crazy and WAY too picky...

 

Who the f*** cares if you have been abroad or not? Why can't i listen different type of music than you? What if i play videogames. I don't complain about reading books. JESUS.

 

I give up. I rather watch porn every night than date these picky ass women.

 

4 months in several OLD dating sites. Not a single DATE. I met one women 2 times, we went outside for walks, not a date. Then this one woman i met for 30 minutes (not a date), i told her it's not going to work out (she was this "I am always so busy!!!!"-type woman.)

 

I don't think myself as a bad looking man at all, i am kinda fun, i do sports, i am a music producer, i have good sense of humour, i am open minded etc.

 

I actually feel LESS alone when i am just sitting in front of TV than spending time in OLD sites.

I've never felt so lonely in my life.

 

BUT maybe...just as a maybe, i am not even supposed to find anyone yet.

 

I really miss my ex so i am not even trying to find anything serious now. I just want to see different kind of people, just spend time etc. go to a movies, you know. Just to see what kind of different people there are.

Edited November 17, 2015 by Protec