Why I'm DONE with online dating...

[xxoo]

 

What posters want OP to say is "I want to get to know you because you are beautiful/hot/cute."

 

That is just what you look like on the outside. Why would you let that control your self worth?

.

 

No, that's not what I'd want him to say.

 

If I were asking that question, I'd want to know what it was about me that stood out to the man and interested him. What he likes about me. It doesn't have to be physical at all, and in fact preferably would not be.

 

I'm going to guess that he'd talked a lot about himself, and she wasn't sure he was interested in her or not. Maybe he just wanted someone to listen to him talk about himself. There are people like that. She was opening up an opportunity for him to express his interest in her, and what he found attractive about her. Instead, he talked more about himself

[JuneJulySeptember]

And we certainly don't want someone that is just giving us a chance because they can't do any better. It's not a charity.

 

OP, tell us, WHY were you talking to that woman?

 

I 'liked' the part of your post that I didn't quote.

 

The thing about it is, that 'dating value', especially OLD is based on things which are pretty shallow, namely pictures, looks, height, salary, and what exciting places you've visited.

 

So, when you say you're giving somebody a chance because you can't do any better, what you're saying in a sense is (and I'll ad lib this directly from my mind) "I don't think you're that attractive from your pictures. And I don't get that many dates either because I'm not that attractive. But maybe you'll be very loyal, kind and cool. And that might work out."

 

And I do kind of think like that. I won't date just anybody. You have to be loyal, kind and cool, etc, etc, compatible with me, that we'll find out later.

[JuneJulySeptember]

No, that's not what I'd want him to say.

 

If I were asking that question, I'd want to know what it was about me that stood out to the man and interested him. What he likes about me. It doesn't have to be physical at all, and in fact preferably would not be.

 

I'm going to guess that he'd talked a lot about himself, and she wasn't sure he was interested in her or not. Maybe he just wanted someone to listen to him talk about himself. There are people like that. She was opening up an opportunity for him to express his interest in her, and what he found attractive about her. Instead, he talked more about himself

 

I don't know OP's whole story, he could explain that himself. But in OLD, there's not that much to grasp onto in the beginning. And if there was it'd be mutual.

 

"Oh, you like to drink beer and watch XXX football team. So do I!"

 

"You like to go skiing in Vermont. I go five times in the winter."

 

So, it wouldn't be "Well, what do you like about me?"

 

But in a general sense, I think most women and some men find the idea of 'giving everybody a chance' so horrific because of the sheer number of suitors they get.

 

Others get less suitors, so you can literally give everybody a chance more easily.

[xxoo]

I don't know OP's whole story, he could explain that himself. But in OLD, there's not that much to grasp onto in the beginning. And if there was it'd be mutual.

 

He told us this:

 

Was having a rather nice conversation with a women (in my age bracket for once ) about life and music... she's also a musician who's played in a band for a while here in Phoenix, Arizona. .

 

Surely there is enough there for him to communicate genuine interest in getting to know her!

 

But he totally missed the boat. He talked about him.

[guest569]

What posters want OP to say is "I want to get to know you because you are beautiful/hot/cute."

 

That is just what you look like on the outside. Why would you let that control your self worth?

 

Or even a...

• "you seem nice"
  
• "you are interesting"
  
• "I want to get to know you"
  
• "because I enjoy talking to you"
  
• "I'm really bored and giving you a chance even though you don't seem very nice and here is a song about roadkill"
  

[JuneJulySeptember]

He told us this:

 

Surely there is enough there for him to communicate genuine interest in getting to know her!

 

But he totally missed the boat. He talked about him.

 

Well, the wrong things come out every now and then.

 

If I was talking to a promising prospect and she said the wrong thing, I wouldn't cut her off even if I had a lot of options. Of course, this kind of hyperbole is easy because I do not.

 

Everybody is basically viewing OP is a d*ck. I definitely see the benevolent side of it.

 

Now. If you were dating for three years and that is still your answer, then that's a different story.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Or even a...

• "you seem nice"
  
• "you are interesting"
  
• "I want to get to know you"
  
• "because I enjoy talking to you"
  
• "I'm really bored and giving you a chance even though you don't seem very nice and here is a song about roadkill"
  

 

All generic responses that may or may not be sincere.

 

To be honest with you. In a sincere, abstract way, if I were to hear what OP said, it would impress me more. It shows that he isn't shallow and that he is empathetic (and he backed that up with an anecdote), and that goes a looooooooooong way as a trait in a mate.

 

But human pride is so ****ing strong. You cannot accept somebody who finds you physically unattractive. It's a slap in the face. I was that way for the longest time. I'm starting to change that.

 

Anyway, everybody has a good idea of how attractive they are by how much interest they get from the opposite sex.

Edited November 15, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Rejected Rosebud]

I wouldn't say what OP said to a woman, but I do believe I know what he means.

 

What he really means is that "EVERYBODY deserves a chance in OLD." What he does not mean (and correct me if I'm wrong OP) is "YOU deserve a chance even though you are not physically attractive.

Well, that doesn't make it something that would keep any girl in the whole world interested for even one more minute. If he couldn't come up with a single reason to share with her for WHY HE WAS TALKING TO HER, which was what she asked, then obviously she needs to move on. Everybody wants and needs to think that something sparked the other person's interest. No guy would find that answer acceptable either unless he was completely desperate.

[xxoo]

Well, the wrong things come out every now and then.

 

If I was talking to a promising prospect and she said the wrong thing, I wouldn't cut her off even if I had a lot of options. Of course, this kind of hyperbole is easy because I do not.

 

Everybody is basically viewing OP is a d*ck. I definitely see the benevolent side of it.

 

Now. If you were dating for three years and that is still your answer, then that's a different story.

 

You're right that things sometimes come out wrong. That happens.

 

What really surprises me is that the OP didn't see why she lost interest. He seems to think it is because she is turned off by loving people? But in fact, his answer wasn't caring at all. It was narcissistic....a monologue about him, when she was asking about her. And failing to see that is more evidence of narcissism.

[Vilgefoz]

Was having a rather nice conversation with a women (in my age bracket for once ) about life and music... she's also a musician who's played in a band for a while here in Phoenix, Arizona.

 

She asked about why I was talking to her, and I said, "Because everyone deserves a chance" always. I left her with a [true] anecdote about how a man had dropped his wallet at a restaurant that myself and my coworkers were dining at, and how I kindly returned it to him. He was kind of a dick about it, but I wished him the best anyways... and referenced her to this Kristoff Krane track that's inspired me so very much in recent years:

and then her replies (which were frequent) cut off completely.

 

If this is the mindset that turns women off... I'm done. Completely done. Love for others is dead. I guess I don't deserve love for myself, but I'll continue to dole it out. That's who I am until I die. F**k you haters. I just don't get you.

 

 

why I never starter with online dating? - because one misunderstood line and whole thing is off Not to speaking of other risks...

[Rejected Rosebud]

If I was talking to a promising prospect and she said the wrong thing, I wouldn't cut her off even if I had a lot of options. :

He made it very clear to her that he found NOTHING about her interesting / compelling / attractive / eye catching or ANYTHING. That is not saying "the wrong thing," that is a very clear message that you'd be a fool to spend one more minute on that person. Dude even if you had ZERO suitors you'd be doing yourself a bad deed to bother talking any further to anybody who chose to respond to you that way. What "everybody deserves" really is for somebody to appreciate them for who they are. Well actually I don't think anybody deserves anything but that's just me.

 

All that stuff you listed as superficial or meaningless like skiing in Vermont, well it is at least a tiny starting place - that shared interests got your attention. That is better than zero.

[JuneJulySeptember]

You're right that things sometimes come out wrong. That happens.

 

What really surprises me is that the OP didn't see why she lost interest. He seems to think it is because she is turned off by loving people? But in fact, his answer wasn't caring at all. It was narcissistic....a monologue about him, when she was asking about her. And failing to see that is more evidence of narcissism.

 

Everybody else interpreted the statement as saying "You're not that attractive, but I'm giving you a chance." So, that's the interpretation I rebutted with.

 

I have no comment on yours. That's way too deep and psychological for OLD.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Everybody else interpreted the statement as saying "You're not that attractive, but I'm giving you a chance." So, that's the interpretation I rebutted with.

 

If a person was sensitive and insecure about how they looked, that IS how they'd take it. Otherwise, they'd just take it as "this guy has no interest in me personally" and maybe even "this guy is completely wrapped up in himself. next."

[JuneJulySeptember]

BTW, I can't speak for OP. But I 'think' his mentality is basically one that I have some familiarity with because I have some experience with it and I have some familiarity with his posts.

 

And basically it is this.

 

"I have been rejected so many times and not given a chance because of things that I have no control over. So I swear that the next person who talks to me, I won't be the same way and I will give them a chance and judge them for the inside."

 

And it applies not to romance, but other things as well. Platonic relationships. In essence a form of the golden rule. And again, OP backed up that was his intention with an appropriate anecdote.

 

But I was the only poster to even think along these lines. Just goes to show how off this type of thinking is.

Edited November 15, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[xxoo]

BTW, I can't speak for OP. But I 'think' his mentality is basically one that I have some familiarity with because I have some experience with it.

 

And basically it is this.

 

"I have been rejected so many times and not given a chance because of things that I have no control over. So I swear that the next person who talks to me, I won't be the same way and I will give them a chance and judge them for the inside."

 

And it applies not to romance, but other things as well. Platonic relationships. In essence a form of the golden rule. And again, OP backed up that was his intention with an appropriate anecdote.

 

This mindset is fine.

 

When you give someone a chance, however, it is advisable to be kind. And it is wise to express interest in them. After all, it's not that difficult, and it has great results.

[Els]

Besides the fact that you completely misinterpreted her question...

 

Dude, pretty much everyone has done a kind favour for other people in their lifetime, usually more than once. We don't go around trying to brag about it to people we've never met - heck we usually don't talk about it unless a very pertinent topic of conversation comes up with people we know fairly well. It's obviously not your deed that turned her off, it's the fact that you (1) are completely unaware of what she meant, and (2) you seem to think that what you did was a huge deal.

 

I would strongly suggest working on trying to understand people and social norms better.

[guest569]

I'm still waiting for OP to clarify what he thought the question meant.. I can't get my head around how this question could be 'misinterpreted'? Were you saying that you are giving her a chance, or saying that she should give you a chance? I don't get it.

 

Oh, and giving back someone their own wallet? Bravo. ??

[JuneJulySeptember]

This mindset is fine.

 

When you give someone a chance, however, it is advisable to be kind. And it is wise to express interest in them. After all, it's not that difficult, and it has great results.

 

Of course. If I treated an attractive woman any different than an unattractive woman, that would mean that all the crap I've been spewing for the past hour is total BS. And I don't have that kind of imagination.

 

In a sense, the thread is about giving someone a chance despite their looks and how you shouldn't do that. It's pity.

 

But if you think outside the box, what are they really pitying? If a woman said the same to me and looked at my OLD profile, what does that mean?

 

Well, I have a graduate degree and my income is hidden. Not pitying that.

 

I'm well spoken and eloquent in my profile with some wit. Not that.

 

I'm not handicapped or disabled. Not that.

 

I'm in good shape. Not that.

 

So, it's my face or height. You're pitying me (i.e. giving me a chance) because of the way my skin on my head is shaped around my skull or the length of the bones in my leg. Is that REALLY pity or do I interpret it as her being a woman who can see far past the physical?

 

Again, way out of the box thinking here. And I know it's not really realistic (or necessary) for most, but just food for thought.

Edited November 15, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[nescafe1982]

In a sense, the thread is about giving someone a chance despite their looks and how you shouldn't do that. It's pity.

 

I don't think I've seen a single post in this thread that said that you should not give someone who is not a "perfect 10" a chance on OLD. That's not the point.

 

The point is that the vast majority of the posters here (and I'm one of them) read what OP said to this woman, it it came off as an insult. It's very likely that the woman he was chatting with also thought she was being insulted, and stopped reading his emails.

 

I do appreciate your posting of how you read his OP: I do see how another person could read his words and see them as this:

 

"I have been rejected so many times and not given a chance because of things that I have no control over. So I swear that the next person who talks to me, I won't be the same way and I will give them a chance and judge them for the inside."

 

But I think, considering the context (that she was asking him to express interest), it is less likely that she interpreted his words that way.

 

Of course, we'll never really know for sure how she read his words or why she spurned him (after all, it could have nothing to do with him or this convo). But when chatting with someone for the first time, on OLD or in real life, it's important to self-monitor, to be kind, and when in doubt, to play it safe.

 

OP might well have meant to express that he's non-judgmental. But it definitely came off more like he was declaring himself affirmatively non-selective (a pronouncement that reflects negatively on the woman he's talking to). Maybe it was an honest mistake... but it was a mistake. And not for the reason you describe at the top of this post.

[dumbass2]

I agree with one of the other posters. I have pretty decent success as a guy and usually email back and forth 2-3 times with just some small talk and if it seems the interest is there I ask if they would like to meet up or talk by phone and when I get to this point I have about a 95% success rate and get a number and give them a call. Over the phone I keep it to no more than 30 minutes tops, just to get a feel for their personality and learn a little more then ask them for a date if I feel that we are conversing well and there are no immediate red flags. The problem I come across with OLD is a lot of women seem to stretch the truth quite a bit on their profiles with body type and using older pics and not current ones. I am one that has to have some physical attraction as part of what I'm looking for. I have been disappointed on about 75% of my dates with women not being fully truthful and looking nothing like their pic and also didn't truly do the things they said that they do. Even had one age 4 years on our first date. I'm in the 40-50 age bracket. Also, about 75% of the women I've dated are coming off a divorce where they were cheated on and had some obvious baggage that comes along with that.

Edited November 15, 2015 by dumbass2

[JuneJulySeptember]

The point is that the vast majority of the posters here (and I'm one of them) read what OP said to this woman, it it came off as an insult. It's very likely that the woman he was chatting with also thought she was being insulted, and stopped reading his emails.

 

 

I understand it is an insult.

 

I posted that a woman said to me when she responded to my message she said that she responds to all guys regardless of their pictures (and that was conveniently ignored by all ).

 

So, what was my reaction? I think 5 to 10 years ago I would have taken it as an unforgivable insult. "WTF does she mean by that? So, she responds to any guys, no matter how ugly, including me? Well, **** that."

 

My reaction was different this time around.

 

Again, I wouldn't say it myself because I understand how people feel about being rejected for their looks because it has happened to me ... oh, so many times.

 

At the same time, I'm really pushing to extricate my self worth from my looks.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I have been disappointed on about 75% of my dates with women not being fully truthful and looking nothing like their pic and also didn't truly do the things they said that they do. Even had one age 4 years on our first date. I'm in the 40-50 age bracket. Also, about 75% of the women I've dated are coming off a divorce where they were cheated on and had some obvious baggage that comes along with that.

 

I don't understand when people say the people they meet look nothing like their pics (except if they are way, way heavier). Was it an actual non doctored pic? Then it was them.

 

Might it have been a few to several years ago? Ok, but you know their age and are picking someone to grow old with anyway. That person is going to get a LOT older looking than that.

 

The part about concealing what they do I have come across. I actually have come across two women who said that they had a career in XXX. In reality, they hadn't worked at all in many years for different reasons. Wasn't a dealbreaker for me though.

[Imajerk17]

JJS, if my read is right, you have given up on attraction, and are now really just looking for a soft place to land. That's certainly your choice, but realize that **almost everyone else** is looking for attraction that is mutual. They don't want to bother with a date otherwise. Hell even my 70-year-old widowed aunt was looking for attraction and chemistry, and from the looks of things w her new boyfriend--also 70--she found it!

[JuneJulySeptember]

JJS, if my read is right, you have given up on attraction, and are now really just looking for a soft place to land. That's certainly your choice, but realize that **almost everyone else** is looking for attraction that is mutual. They don't want to bother with a date otherwise. Hell even my 70-year-old widowed aunt was looking for attraction and chemistry, and from the looks of things w her new boyfriend--also 70--she found it!

 

A soft place to land is not true. Compatibility has to be there.

 

And yes, I realize 98.5% (roughly, Lol) of people will not give a date without physical attraction, including people who are 70+. I live it, so I know it.

 

Not trying to push any agenda. Just shooting the ****e.

 

If I can be potentially be happier with someone than without them I will take that chance. If you were 70+ years old, then do you take the option of being with a great person who isn't so cute who you can enjoy movies, trips, and zoos with or do you take being alone. Either way, I don't think it's such a no-brainer that most people make it out to be.

 

There's no script to this world, except that you must die. Everybody should live their life their own way.

 

But I do have to say, I do think extricating your self worth from your looks is a really good idea. Win/win all the way around.

Edited November 15, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[lino]

It's not a choice of words I'd use for sure and I didn't watch the song video but I've seen guys say much worse things to women (in real life though, not online). Dreadfully crude, objective, degrading and misogynistic things and days later the women in question were leaving the guys house with their underpants inside out.

 

If you're a desired man, you can literally say and do whatever you want and do no wrong.

 

Definitely do hang up the online dating but I doubt you'd have gotten far even if you'd said all the 'right' things that the crowd approves of.