Upset about my wifes past

[S2B]

No she didn't. I asked her if she has been faithful since we have been an exclusive couple 10 years ago and she said yes. All I can do is trust her right?

 

You are "looking for" a reason to be angry at your wife - WHY?

[SSJROMANCE]

You are "looking for" a reason to be angry at your wife - WHY?

 

No he is not. He has a wife who has shown to be dishonest and to be unfaithful during their dating period. He has every right to be skeptical. No one wants to be played a fool and so although I would advice him to tread carefully he most certainly can be suspicious.

[autumnnight]

No he is not. He has a wife who has shown to be dishonest and to be unfaithful during their dating period. He has every right to be skeptical. No one wants to be played a fool and so although I would advice him to tread carefully he most certainly can be suspicious.

 

Again....READ

 

She was NOT unfaithful while they were dating EACH OTHER.

 

She never cheated ON HIM

[purdyPeas]

Tragic. Simply tragic. Too bad you read those journals. Too bad she didn't have them under lock and key from you.

 

A person's past is their past. Not yours.

 

Your future was together.

 

Now it's all changed.

 

Good luck.

[SSJROMANCE]

Funny how guys want their women to be good in bed but bring no baggage or history to the table.

 

Given the ninja-like expertise my now wife/then GF brought to...um...certain sexual acts, I had a sneaky suspicion it wasn't the first time she'd done it. Whatever practice she'd had, I've been happy to enjoy the performance benefits for the last 25 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Again speak for yourself Mr. Lucky. Who says that your woman cannot became a sexual raptor in bed with only being with you? Why would it take a bunch of douchebags to do your girl for her to become good in bed??? My wife, although she had been with a lot of guys, didn't know squat. She said she was a dead lay - I think I believe that in many ways. And she has told me sexually that nobody even came close to me. Could be lying but I lot of evidence I cannot ignore.

 

So no she didn't need all those douchebags in her life and in general I think that is most definitely the case for many women. What they bring to the table later are STD's more than some crazed sexual tyrannosaur. And in the case with your wife I'm glad you are thrilled. I'd rather have teached my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur than to have others teach my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur for me. But I guess everyone is different...

[autumnnight]

Again speak for yourself Mr. Lucky. Who says that your woman cannot became a sexual raptor in bed with only being with you? Why would it take a bunch of douchebags to do your girl for her to become good in bed??? My wife, although she had been with a lot of guys, didn't know squat. She said she was a dead lay - I think I believe that in many ways. And she has told me sexually that nobody even came close to me. Could be lying but I lot of evidence I cannot ignore.

 

So no she didn't need all those douchebags in her life and in general I think that is most definitely the case for many women. What they bring to the table later are STD's more than some crazed sexual tyrannosaur. And in the case with your wife I'm glad you are thrilled. I'd rather have teached my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur than to have others teach my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur for me. But I guess everyone is different...

 

Men of character who feel this way about their wives divorce or learn to love her again.

[jh21]

Men of character who feel this way about their wives divorce or learn to love her again.

 

This is exactly right. I knew about her past and she knew about mine. Both of our pasts are near identical. How could I judge her now on her past because I knew about it then and made the decision to marry her.

 

It didn't bother me as much when we were dating but it has started to bother me more lately since we had kids and our sex life dramatically decreased. But, we both have worked hard to get the spark back and it has worked. We gave up on our marriage because it died for a while there (little kids are tough on a marriage!!) which is when all these jealous thoughts crept in.

 

For me at this point, it wouldn't have mattered if she had 1 or 20 sex partners. If I wasn't getting any I would be jealous that her past boyfriends did.

[Got it]

This is exactly right. I knew about her past and she knew about mine. Both of our pasts are near identical. How could I judge her now on her past because I knew about it then and made the decision to marry her.

 

It didn't bother me as much when we were dating but it has started to bother me more lately since we had kids and our sex life dramatically decreased. But, we both have worked hard to get the spark back and it has worked. We gave up on our marriage because it died for a while there (little kids are tough on a marriage!!) which is when all these jealous thoughts crept in.

 

For me at this point, it wouldn't have mattered if she had 1 or 20 sex partners. If I wasn't getting any I would be jealous that her past boyfriends did.

 

So in case there is any confusion by other posters there is the crux of the issue. Nothing to do with lying, hiding, even the numbers, it is about a lack of happiness with today's sex life.

[SSJROMANCE]

Men of character who feel this way about their wives divorce or learn to love her again.

 

Feel what way?

[SSJROMANCE]

This is exactly right. I knew about her past and she knew about mine. Both of our pasts are near identical. How could I judge her now on her past because I knew about it then and made the decision to marry her.

 

It didn't bother me as much when we were dating but it has started to bother me more lately since we had kids and our sex life dramatically decreased. But, we both have worked hard to get the spark back and it has worked. We gave up on our marriage because it died for a while there (little kids are tough on a marriage!!) which is when all these jealous thoughts crept in.

 

For me at this point, it wouldn't have mattered if she had 1 or 20 sex partners. If I wasn't getting any I would be jealous that her past boyfriends did.

 

I think it would have mattered. If she had one sex partner and she had sex once and since you have been married you have had sex about how many times - 1000? Why would that one time she had sex with someone else matter? On the other hand if she had 20 partners and had sex a total of 200 times (that's pushing it) and you still have had sex 1000 times with her and recently it's diminished why are you jealous? You also have to consider who she was back then and who she is now with kids and being married. Did you ever think that at times she didn't give it to her other boyfriends too? What about you and your past sex life? Did your previous girlfriends withhold sex from you? So lots to think about and I think once you put it all in perspective you may feel better about everything. All I would encourage is that you be honest about the situation.

[autumnnight]

Feel what way?

 

Disdain, disgust, distrust, seeing beer as tainted, no lover or respect, self--righteous

[jh21]

So in case there is any confusion by other posters there is the crux of the issue. Nothing to do with lying, hiding, even the numbers, it is about a lack of happiness with today's sex life.

 

For me you are 100% right. When we were dating it was all about us. I didn't give a second thought to anything in the past. Then we had kids and for a while it all went downhill. I was miserable and that's when all the jealous thought's crept in about her past. In my head I was thinking that it wasn't fair that her ex's got it and I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have been upset if she lied about the number of her partners but for me, I went crazy when I wasn't getting any sex from my wife or when she lost interest in it. We have worked hard at getting it back and it's a world of difference. Although it will never be the same as it was when we were dating we probably would be divorced now if we didn't communicate this major issue.

 

We were that typical married couple and I hated the fact it was happening to me. So I decided to change it.

[S2B]

For me you are 100% right. When we were dating it was all about us. I didn't give a second thought to anything in the past. Then we had kids and for a while it all went downhill. I was miserable and that's when all the jealous thought's crept in about her past. In my head I was thinking that it wasn't fair that her ex's got it and I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have been upset if she lied about the number of her partners but for me, I went crazy when I wasn't getting any sex from my wife or when she lost interest in it. We have worked hard at getting it back and it's a world of difference. Although it will never be the same as it was when we were dating we probably would be divorced now if we didn't communicate this major issue.

 

We were that typical married couple and I hated the fact it was happening to me. So I decided to change it.

 

You need to change yourself.

 

This is about your anger. Your control.

 

The marriage will never be good again if your always looking for something to be angry about.

 

 

When do you plan to get counseling to help yourself get past being angry?

[Got it]

I think it would have mattered. If she had one sex partner and she had sex once and since you have been married you have had sex about how many times - 1000? Why would that one time she had sex with someone else matter? On the other hand if she had 20 partners and had sex a total of 200 times (that's pushing it) and you still have had sex 1000 times with her and recently it's diminished why are you jealous? You also have to consider who she was back then and who she is now with kids and being married. Did you ever think that at times she didn't give it to her other boyfriends too? What about you and your past sex life? Did your previous girlfriends withhold sex from you? So lots to think about and I think once you put it all in perspective you may feel better about everything. All I would encourage is that you be honest about the situation.

 

Stop trying to make someone agree with what you are projecting. Your issues with your wife are your issues. The OP has clearly stated his concerns in his situation and they are not the same as yours. You are pushing your agenda so hard you are ignoring everything the OP is saying. That is not fair to the OP and his concerns.

[Got it]

For me you are 100% right. When we were dating it was all about us. I didn't give a second thought to anything in the past. Then we had kids and for a while it all went downhill. I was miserable and that's when all the jealous thought's crept in about her past. In my head I was thinking that it wasn't fair that her ex's got it and I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have been upset if she lied about the number of her partners but for me, I went crazy when I wasn't getting any sex from my wife or when she lost interest in it. We have worked hard at getting it back and it's a world of difference. Although it will never be the same as it was when we were dating we probably would be divorced now if we didn't communicate this major issue.

 

We were that typical married couple and I hated the fact it was happening to me. So I decided to change it.

 

I think that is pretty common. I was very unhappy with my ex husband on why he wasn't trying harder in the bedroom, why he didn't want more sex, why my needs weren't important. I am still scratching my head at you looking towards past relationships and drawing a correlation between then and now but I think you have definite rights to want your sex lives addressed.

 

I am glad you guys have improved things. How are things now emotionally? Are you happier? Are the past relationships an issue? If so why?

[road]

Then you know what? Divorce

 

 

No what I think is if there was no lies in the beginning then no marriage, no 20 years lost, no divorce.

 

 

Better to restart your life over at 30 then 50.

[road]

Again....READ

 

She was NOT unfaithful while they were dating EACH OTHER.

 

She never cheated ON HIM

 

Though she lied about the STD.

[autumnnight]

No what I think is if there was no lies in the beginning then no marriage, no 20 years lost, no divorce.

 

 

Better to restart your life over at 30 then 50.

 

Do you have a time machine???????????

[road]

OP, I do not understand your problem. Is it that you never got the wild side from your wife in the bedroom?

 

 

Or did you?

[SSJROMANCE]

Stop trying to make someone agree with what you are projecting. Your issues with your wife are your issues. The OP has clearly stated his concerns in his situation and they are not the same as yours. You are pushing your agenda so hard you are ignoring everything the OP is saying. That is not fair to the OP and his concerns.

 

WOW. You are obviously hung up on me and my previous posts. That is your problem I might add and not related to the OP posts. I said NOTHING to relate my past issues's with his. My post is for HIM to comment on which was directed to HIM not to you or your fixation on my past issue's (but I'm glad I have fans). I happen to disagree with him and I explained why. This is a forum to discuss his issue's and your attack on me was unwarranted. I would rather you say NOTHING to me then to spew your anger that has been caused by YOUR past problems.

 

Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

So no she didn't need all those douchebags in her life and in general I think that is most definitely the case for many women. What they bring to the table later are STD's more than some crazed sexual tyrannosaur. And in the case with your wife I'm glad you are thrilled. I'd rather have teached my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur than to have others teach my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur for me. But I guess everyone is different...

 

You're making a lot of assumptions. What I said is I have no more interest in knowing - or guessing - my wife's number of previous partners than I do in projecting your wife's number.

 

All I ask is that her number since the day she committed to me remains at one. That's the important statistic to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SSJROMANCE]

You're making a lot of assumptions. What I said is I have no more interest in knowing - or guessing - my wife's number of previous partners than I do in projecting your wife's number.

 

All I ask is that her number since the day she committed to me remains at one. That's the important statistic to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just referring to your "Funny how guys want their women to be good in bed but bring no baggage or history to the table". I could care less about her "experience" - only her devotion. I'm not sure how many guys you have had conversations about this that you can make a comment like that. Are YOU making at lot of assumptions?

[Got it]

WOW. You are obviously hung up on me and my previous posts. That is your problem I might add and not related to the OP posts. I said NOTHING to relate my past issues's with his. My post is for HIM to comment on which was directed to HIM not to you or your fixation on my past issue's (but I'm glad I have fans). I happen to disagree with him and I explained why. This is a forum to discuss his issue's and your attack on me was unwarranted. I would rather you say NOTHING to me then to spew your anger that has been caused by YOUR past problems.

 

Thank you.

 

SSJ - you are projecting. Please reread what you write then. It comes across very different then you try and defend. You are also very combative with a number of other posters, many who keep telling you that you are making assumptions. You may want to look at the common denominator.

 

If you don't want me to respond to your posts you are welcome to block me and then you won't see them. A mod can walk you through the process.

[jh21]

I think that is pretty common. I was very unhappy with my ex husband on why he wasn't trying harder in the bedroom, why he didn't want more sex, why my needs weren't important. I am still scratching my head at you looking towards past relationships and drawing a correlation between then and now but I think you have definite rights to want your sex lives addressed.

 

I am glad you guys have improved things. How are things now emotionally? Are you happier? Are the past relationships an issue? If so why?

 

All this happened 4 months ago. I was talking with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. My wife and I were not in a good spot. It was then I decided we needed to make a change. But at the same time I found those journals and the details of her past bothered me. There was stuff in there about the guy she had a weekend fling with when we were just casually dating 10 years ago. It triggered that memory as well as her searching for him on facebook in 2013. We got counselling because I almost left but it wasn't really dealt with. So along with all that the stuff that bothered me was that she gave it up to her other boyfriends (understandably so) but wouldn't even touch me.

 

I get that kids change things and life gets in the way but I truly think she went from a vixen (with me too at the start) to being complety happy with not having sex at all.

 

But as I said, as soon as I started talking about some of these issues it all became better.

 

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

Edited September 24, 2015 by jh21

[Got it]

All this happened 4 months ago. I was talking with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. My wife and I were not in a good spot. It was then I decided we needed to make a change. But at the same time I found those journals and the details of her past bothered me. There was stuff in there about the guy she had a weekend fling with when we were just casually dating 10 years ago. It triggered that memory as well as her searching for him on facebook in 2013. We got counselling because I almost left but it wasn't really dealt with. So along with all that the stuff that bothered me was that she gave it up to her other boyfriends (understandably so) but wouldn't even touch me.

 

I get that kids change things and life gets in the way but I truly think she went from a vixen (with me too at the start) to being complety happy with not having sex at all.

 

But as I said, as soon as I started talking about some of these issues it all became better.

 

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

Okay, I understand that, but are you the same person in all areas you were then? We all change over time and mellowing is a major component. I am not saying you can't improve your sex life but take it from a team/partnership angle than a "below the bar and getting it back up". How does your wife feel about it?

 

Sex is great. But it is hard to fit in the same amount of time when you have kids, home, jobs, etc. like you once did in the beginning. I know when my husband and I first started we spent HOURS in bed almost every day after work. Sex was our only past time, lol. That just isn't sustainable and we try and manage a happy medium. We also take trips of just us to have some reconnecting time.

 

I am glad you guys are in a better spot. Take the "we" approach and look at tackling this together. And maybe start role playing as well, initiating it maybe? There are books and resources out there to just have fun at it.