Upset about my wifes past

[autumnnight]

I vote that we lynch the OP's wife, who's in favor?

 

 

Why?

 

 

As Ann Landers said never leave in writing what you would not want to see printed on the front page of the newspaper.

 

 

This wife probably has never looked at these journals since she got married. So that shows they were not important to her, just a woman being overly romantic. Yet to leave them around is the same as leaving land mines in the ground after the war was over. These journals were left to explode and kill and wound he husband.

 

 

If what she did with these others was that special she then should of not needed to write down notes so she would not forget.

 

 

Memories fade.

 

 

There is a reason why some memories fade more then others. And that is how they should be. A spouse should not be recalling all the great dates and sex they had before they met their spouse.

 

Respectfully, this is idiocy. Like she nefariously planted them to hurt her husband.

 

You've been reading the wrong crap too long.

 

She forgot all about them. They were the ramblings of an immature young woman in a box somewhere.

 

Nope. You are wrong. Next you'll say they should sell the house where the box was and move away:rolleyes:

[anna121]

Respectfully, this is idiocy. Like she nefariously planted them to hurt her husband.

 

You've been reading the wrong crap too long.

 

She forgot all about them. They were the ramblings of an immature young woman in a box somewhere.

 

Nope. You are wrong. Next you'll say they should sell the house where the box was and move away:rolleyes:

 

OMG! Yes!

[SeasideMermaid]

That reminds me that I have journals kicking around somewhere that I detail the first time I had sex with a guy about 2 hours after I did everything but screw my boyfriend in the back of a car, and 3 days before I slept with the "love of my life."

 

I slept with the one guy to lose my virginity so I'd be good for the guy I really wanted to sleep with while the boyfriend was make out practice for the other guy I had sex with first, who I knew was a jerk who'd spread rumors about how good I was or wasn't.

 

I carried on the sex-only relationship with the guy I really wanted off and on through my next 3 boyfriends, before meeting the guy who was my first husband and eventually committing to him. Even now I'd say the chemistry and friendship I had with that guy was the best if ever had but thank god I was smart enough to get that we weren't going to be great relationship people so i could move on.

 

18 year old me is way way different than 38 year old me. How I felt about those guys and what I did was based off of the little experience I had, the fact that I was a really sexual person, and I had no clue what grownup life would be like.

 

Here's guessing my husband has similar stories. Here's guessing you do too. Time to suck it up and get over it and not get so pissed about what she didn't tell you 20 years ago especially while you are lying to her face yourself.

[S2B]

From what you keep holding on to and making a big deal about this in your mind - I can only surmise that you are looking for things to be mad at your wife about.

 

 

Why are you trying to be mad at her? There's got to be more to this because otherwise you would have either accepted it and let it go

 

OR

 

You would have started therapy for yourself in dealing with your new discovery and learned how NOT to have this negatively affecte your marriage.

 

 

It's as if you want to ruin things or make your wife look bad/feel badly - she can not change the past. She should not feel bad that she had history before you.

 

And you snooping was just icky and not right.

 

 

Own up to what you've done and tell your wife you're about to ruin your marriage by making a big deal about things she can not change.

[Mr. Lucky]

Because in the minds of many men, including myself, the wilder and less inhibited the sex = more intimacy. So if my wife did things with other guys that she refuses to do with me, I couldn't help but think she felt a greater connection to those other guys than she does with me, which would make me wonder why she married me and not one of those other guys who apparently aroused her more. I would feel cuckolded and that is no way for a wife to treat her husband if she truly loves him.

 

About the only thing I know in detail about my wife's single past was that she had a threesome in her 20's with a friend and her husband. By your reasoning, I have a "free threesome" card I can play any time in our marriage? Even if I wanted to, good luck with that.

 

Whatever my wife did - or didn't do - has nothing to do with our relationship, and that holds for both of us. Besides, I'd have a hard time enjoying any sexual act requiring me to whine "but you did it with him"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Respectfully, this is idiocy. Like she nefariously planted them to hurt her husband.

 

You've been reading the wrong crap too long.

 

She forgot all about them. They were the ramblings of an immature young woman in a box somewhere.

 

Nope. You are wrong. Next you'll say they should sell the house where the box was and move away:rolleyes:

 

 

I do not know her intentions. Her intentions were not important. The results of her intentions are important.

 

 

When a wife does not want her husband to know the details of her sexual past she should never leave written the stories of her exploits to be found by him.

 

 

One thing for a wife to be triggered, not necessarily in a bad way, and recall past relationship for a moment. For this is not the same as her dwelling on the past. We can not control triggers whether they are good or bad. We can learn how to let the pass quickly.

 

 

Writing down her past sexual history when single is acceptable. To keep those writings when married is not acceptable for there is always the chance that they can found and read.

[road]

About the only thing I know in detail about my wife's single past was that she had a threesome in her 20's with a friend and her husband. By your reasoning, I have a "free threesome" card I can play any time in our marriage? Even if I wanted to, good luck with that.

 

 

 

Was her friend hot? If yes that would work for me and should work for you! ROTFALMAO

[Mr. Lucky]

Met the friend once, let's just say she was hotter in her 20's. I've mulled the fantasy in my mind a few times but have zero interest conceptually in going there. And a few reads of similar situations on LS indicate these things rarely end well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

Maybe it's good that you've read the journals.

 

It caused you to not taking your wife for granted, it caused you to be more close to your wife, and the things that bother you? Well, dry empty marriage is much worse, and thanks for the journals, you got your insurance for at least 20 years, that it (dry marriage) won't happen to you.

[SSJROMANCE]

In short, she didn't lie to you about her number.

 

What did you think - that all 19 guys were just perfunctory sex on her part - in the dark with no foreplay, just missionary position and no passion and no adventure and no fun and no experimentation and no eagerness to explore or be daring?

 

Were all YOUR 19 in the past done that same, boring, dry way?

 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

I guess only SHE was expected to have no fun. Got it.

 

She was expected to know that years into the future she'd meet the wonder that is YOU so she should have made sure to stay in her room every night reading her Bible and keeping herself pure for you. What a joke.

 

And how unbelievably childish and nasty to throw crap in her face that she did as a teenage DUMBASS KID to coerce her into having sex with you now more often.

 

Just freakin' pitiful, all the way around.

 

I have zero sympathy for you. Zero. Men like you are exactly WHY women have to lie about their pasts rather than be able to be HONEST. You're why.

 

 

You are a piece of work. Here is a guy who is having difficultly and you lay into him??? As I have said in the past there are women out here who have been used and abused and then spew their anger of their past onto others. You must be one of these women. "Men like you are exactly WHY women have to lie about their pasts rather than be able to be HONEST." is one of the funniest statements I have read out here. You might as well say it's OK for anyone to lie as long as the other party isn't going to like what you have to say. THAT is just freakin' pitful - ALL THE WAY AROUND.

 

I asked my wife POINT BLANK about her past TWICE and we went into detail. She lied. If she can't be trusted before we got married she can't be trusted AFTER we are married. AND GUESS WHAT??? I WAS RIGHT!!! I caught her having an emotional affair with some old boyfriend after 13 years of marriage on Facebook. So a persons past behavior is a CLEAR indication of what their future behavior may hold.

 

Having said that I do somewhat agree with you in terms of his past and her past. They seem VERY similar so he should just be thankful he found someone somewhat close to his same past. I'm not so sure that is what he is upset about though. I think it's more of the lying and withholding information and also the weekend fling. He has every right to be upset about that.

[autumnnight]

You are a piece of work. Here is a guy who is having difficultly and you lay into him??? As I have said in the past there are women out here who have been used and abused and then spew their anger of their past onto others. You must be one of these women. "Men like you are exactly WHY women have to lie about their pasts rather than be able to be HONEST." is one of the funniest statements I have read out here. You might as well say it's OK for anyone to lie as long as the other party isn't going to like what you have to say. THAT is just freakin' pitful - ALL THE WAY AROUND.

 

I asked my wife POINT BLANK about her past TWICE and we went into detail. She lied. If she can't be trusted before we got married she can't be trusted AFTER we are married. AND GUESS WHAT??? I WAS RIGHT!!! I caught her having an emotional affair with some old boyfriend after 13 years of marriage on Facebook. So a persons past behavior is a CLEAR indication of what their future behavior may hold.

 

Having said that I do somewhat agree with you in terms of his past and her past. They seem VERY similar so he should just be thankful he found someone somewhat close to his same past. I'm not so sure that is what he is upset about though. I think it's more of the lying and withholding information and also the weekend fling. He has every right to be upset about that.

 

We all know how you feel about your wife. his situation is not yours.

[SSJROMANCE]

So here is the deal. If there is anything in those journals that would indicate that she lied to you (like the STD's) then you have every right to be upset about those. Sounds like she had many more partners than she told you (all the guys she went home with at the bars while dating other guys?) and if that is the case you have every right to be upset. If she painted an innocent picture of herself but doesn't match what's in the journals then you have every right to be upset about that. Basically if you have conversations about her past BEFORE you were married and these journals reveal a much different past then what was discussed then I get it. I get why you are upset and you have every right to be upset.

 

Did you have a right to read her journals? Sure - once married everything should be an open book to each other. She shouldn't have anything to hide and you shouldn't either. But it seems to me that your past and her past are pretty similar. You cannot compare apples to apples in this case - she did sexual acts in her past and so did you. You may have done different things but you were both with different people. You chose to read those journals and now it's going to be hard to get those thoughts out of your mind. Now there are going to be triggers (such as watching a movie and a girl giving a guy a BJ) that will continue to bring these bad thoughts to mind.

 

There are a couple issues here. The first is her lying and withholding information. That was wrong and she needs to understand why. She needs to apologize and it needs to be genuine. Next are these other details that are upsetting you. I get it. Be honest with yourself though. What have YOU done with other girls that would upset HER? I sure you can go back and fourth on comparing, etc… but since you have similar pasts (or am I wrong?) then just null them out and bury them.

 

It could be worse. My wife had a similar past but I had long term relationships. Her and my past are COMPLETELY different. But I married her because she lied about who she was. And now our marriage is all but over. My anger and disgust at her has virtually destroyed any love left in the relationship. So in comparison this is minor and I would suggest that you two commit to each other to working things out. Good luck.

[Got it]

Oh jeez I guess I should dig up my old diaries and scrub them in case my husband should take offense. I mean there was that one putz of a bad boy I gave far too much time and attention to in my late teens as well as the arm candy guy that I am sure I wrote about that I should assume my husband will be threatened.

 

Thankfully my husband and I are not threatened by each other's pasts and have no issues discussing any details we want to and leaving some to stay back there.

[SSJROMANCE]

We all know how you feel about your wife. his situation is not yours.

 

My point was that he had a right to know the type of person he was marrying because a persons past behavior most often can give you a good indication of what their future behavior will me. So if he just found out that she cheated on all her boyfriends with guys she met at bars has she carried over that behavior into their marriage? What has she done while they have been married? If she is capable of lying and withholding information from him while dating isn't she capable of lying and withholding information while they are married? She most certainly is capable of that and so for him since this is NEW information he might want to look further into the past 10 years or so and see if there is any evidence of her being unfaithful to him.

[GunslingerRoland]

I get being mad about the STD...

 

But you knew she had sex with guys before you... so you're mad because what? It was good sex? Naughty sex? Kinky sex?

 

You thought she just laid there in the missionary position with the lights off until she met you? Seems a little unfair...she had a sex life, she had fun with it... get over it.

[jh21]

So here is the deal. If there is anything in those journals that would indicate that she lied to you (like the STD's) then you have every right to be upset about those. Sounds like she had many more partners than she told you (all the guys she went home with at the bars while dating other guys?) and if that is the case you have every right to be upset. If she painted an innocent picture of herself but doesn't match what's in the journals then you have every right to be upset about that. Basically if you have conversations about her past BEFORE you were married and these journals reveal a much different past then what was discussed then I get it. I get why you are upset and you have every right to be upset.

 

Did you have a right to read her journals? Sure - once married everything should be an open book to each other. She shouldn't have anything to hide and you shouldn't either. But it seems to me that your past and her past are pretty similar. You cannot compare apples to apples in this case - she did sexual acts in her past and so did you. You may have done different things but you were both with different people. You chose to read those journals and now it's going to be hard to get those thoughts out of your mind. Now there are going to be triggers (such as watching a movie and a girl giving a guy a BJ) that will continue to bring these bad thoughts to mind.

 

There are a couple issues here. The first is her lying and withholding information. That was wrong and she needs to understand why. She needs to apologize and it needs to be genuine. Next are these other details that are upsetting you. I get it. Be honest with yourself though. What have YOU done with other girls that would upset HER? I sure you can go back and fourth on comparing, etc… but since you have similar pasts (or am I wrong?) then just null them out and bury them.

 

It could be worse. My wife had a similar past but I had long term relationships. Her and my past are COMPLETELY different. But I married her because she lied about who she was. And now our marriage is all but over. My anger and disgust at her has virtually destroyed any love left in the relationship. So in comparison this is minor and I would suggest that you two commit to each other to working things out. Good luck.

 

Everything aside, If I have to give my wife credit for one thing she is and has been honest to me.

 

Before we even started dating we talked about our pasts. She was truthful about everything. Part of the reason I read the journals was to see if she did tell me the truth. In am confident she did.

 

She was also truthful to me right after she had that fling with her ex when we were casually seeing each other and she ended it with him. She didnt have to tell me that but she did because she wanted to be open and honest. I should feel lucky she came to me and told me that so that I could make an informed decision about what to do.

 

As for cheating while we have been together. She told me she hasn't and although her past may be a bit rough when it comes to cheating on her boyfriends I do believe her. She has been honest about everything else. Could she have cheated? Of course. Maybe she did and has been holding it in all this time but I think I would know by the way she has been acting. All I can do is trust what she told me that she has been faithful. If I dont trust her there is no point being in the marriage.

 

The only thing she has witheld from me is the STD and as far as I know that was cleared up 20 years ago although it still bothers me that I asked her if she had any STDs when we first started dating and she said no.

 

Its that and the details of her relationships (Im not upset that they happened but that I know some details which husbands should never have to know) as well as me not ever dealing with that weekend fling and then it being triggered by her searching (but not contacting) that guy on FB a few years ago and being triggered by what I read in those journals.

Edited September 22, 2015 by jh21

[autumnnight]

Everything aside, If I have to give my wife credit for one thing she is and has been honest to me.

 

Before we even started dating we talked about our pasts. She was truthful about everything. Part of the reason I read the journals was to see if she did tell me the truth. In am confident she did.

 

She was also truthful to me right after she had that fling with her ex when we were casually seeing each other and she ended it with him. She didnt have to tell me that but she did because she wanted to be open and honest. I should feel lucky she came to me and told me that so that I could make an informed decision about what to do.

 

As for cheating while we have been together. She told me she hasn't and although her past may be a bit rough when it comes to cheating on her boyfriends I do believe her. She has been honest about everything else. Could she have cheated? Of course. Maybe she did and has been holding it in all this time but I think I would know by the way she has been acting. All I can do is trust what she told me that she has been faithful. If I dont trust her there is no point being in the marriage.

 

The only thing she has witheld from me is the STD and as far as I know that was cleared up 20 years ago although it still bothers me that I asked her if she had any STDs when we first started dating and she said no.

 

Its that and the details of her relationships (Im not upset that they happened but that I know some details which husbands should never have to know) as well as me not ever dealing with that weekend fling and then it being triggered by her searching (but not contacting) that guy on FB a few years ago and being triggered by what I read in those journals.

 

You sound much healthier than a lot of men. Good for you

[SSJROMANCE]

Everything aside, If I have to give my wife credit for one thing she is and has been honest to me.

 

Before we even started dating we talked about our pasts. She was truthful about everything. Part of the reason I read the journals was to see if she did tell me the truth. In am confident she did.

 

She was also truthful to me right after she had that fling with her ex when we were casually seeing each other and she ended it with him. She didnt have to tell me that but she did because she wanted to be open and honest. I should feel lucky she came to me and told me that so that I could make an informed decision about what to do.

 

As for cheating while we have been together. She told me she hasn't and although her past may be a bit rough when it comes to cheating on her boyfriends I do believe her. She has been honest about everything else. Could she have cheated? Of course. Maybe she did and has been holding it in all this time but I think I would know by the way she has been acting. All I can do is trust what she told me that she has been faithful. If I dont trust her there is no point being in the marriage.

 

The only thing she has witheld from me is the STD and as far as I know that was cleared up 20 years ago although it still bothers me that I asked her if she had any STDs when we first started dating and she said no.

 

Its that and the details of her relationships (Im not upset that they happened but that I know some details which husbands should never have to know) as well as me not ever dealing with that weekend fling and then it being triggered by her searching (but not contacting) that guy on FB a few years ago and being triggered by what I read in those journals.

 

 

Trust is very important in a relationship and since you have validated that the rest of this is minor - not to minimize your pain though. Yes it's hard to picture your wife with another guy but I'm sure it's hard for your wife to picture you with other women. I think you both null each other out so be happy that you have a honest and faithful wife. A few professional counseling sessions might be in order to help your healing. Good luck.

[jh21]

Trust is very important in a relationship and since you have validated that the rest of this is minor - not to minimize your pain though. Yes it's hard to picture your wife with another guy but I'm sure it's hard for your wife to picture you with other women. I think you both null each other out so be happy that you have a honest and faithful wife. A few professional counseling sessions might be in order to help your healing. Good luck.

 

Ya. Its not just the details of guys which is hard enough to deal with its the details of the guy she had the weekend fling with when we were just casual. Although the details are from years before we even met they are the hardest to deal with and the hardest to get out of my head.

[Mr. Lucky]

My point was that he had a right to know the type of person he was marrying because a persons past behavior most often can give you a good indication of what their future behavior will me.

 

Let's just say I disagree. Her past is HER past, doesn't belong to you, either under interrogation or in written form.

 

Why would I ask my wife how many partners she's had and why would I care? I'm marrying her, not the 5 years ago her or the 10 years ago version and I'm going to assume the sum of her life experiences, both good and bad, have made her the person she is today. And it's a win/win - don't have to assign blame but get to reap benefits...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Horton]

If she is capable of lying and withholding information from him while dating isn't she capable of lying and withholding information while they are married? She most certainly is capable of that and so for him since this is NEW information he might want to look further into the past 10 years or so and see if there is any evidence of her being unfaithful to him.

 

Exactly, people that hide things about their past from their suitors don't magically become a new person just cause there's now a piece of paper issued by the government thrown into the equation.

[S2B]

Ya. Its not just the details of guys which is hard enough to deal with its the details of the guy she had the weekend fling with when we were just casual. Although the details are from years before we even met they are the hardest to deal with and the hardest to get out of my head.

 

Then do the work to get those thoughts out of YOUR head.

 

This is yours to fix - not hers.

[autumnnight]

It must be sad to live in a world where there is an affair under every rock, there is only one way to think, and everyone else is wrong.

 

OP, it sounds like you actually have a healthy view of this. I think you'll be fine. You don't seem like a person who would forever define someone by their past, whether it be ONS or alcoholism

[jh21]

Then do the work to get those thoughts out of YOUR head.

 

This is yours to fix - not hers.

 

I agree 100% but its easier said than done.

[SeasideMermaid]

Exactly, people that hide things about their past from their suitors don't magically become a new person just cause there's now a piece of paper issued by the government thrown into the equation.

 

What are you talking about? That can totally be the case. The way I act d with men I had no intention on marrying was way different than how I behaved when I found a guy I thought I he a future with. Just because I wasn't faithful to random guy I sort of liked during our casual relationship doesn't mean I'll act that way in a serious relationship with a guy I'm marrying or want to marry. The fact she was hiding it could well mean she was trying to change or did view him differently and better.

 

And we need to get straight about OP is angry about. What she did? That she journaled it? That she was different with others sexually than she is with him? Because you can't be mad about all of those things.

Edited September 22, 2015 by SeasideMermaid