Upset about my wifes past

[Lois_Griffin]

In short, she didn't lie to you about her number.

 

What did you think - that all 19 guys were just perfunctory sex on her part - in the dark with no foreplay, just missionary position and no passion and no adventure and no fun and no experimentation and no eagerness to explore or be daring?

 

Were all YOUR 19 in the past done that same, boring, dry way?

 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

I guess only SHE was expected to have no fun. Got it.

 

She was expected to know that years into the future she'd meet the wonder that is YOU so she should have made sure to stay in her room every night reading her Bible and keeping herself pure for you. What a joke.

 

And how unbelievably childish and nasty to throw crap in her face that she did as a teenage DUMBASS KID to coerce her into having sex with you now more often.

 

Just freakin' pitiful, all the way around.

 

I have zero sympathy for you. Zero. Men like you are exactly WHY women have to lie about their pasts rather than be able to be HONEST. You're why.

[jh21]

In short, she didn't lie to you about her number.

 

What did you think - that all 19 guys were just perfunctory sex on her part - in the dark with no foreplay, just missionary position and no passion and no adventure and no fun and no experimentation and no eagerness to explore or be daring?

 

Were all YOUR 19 in the past done that same, boring, dry way?

 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

I guess only SHE was expected to have no fun. Got it.

 

She was expected to know that years into the future she'd meet the wonder that is YOU so she should have made sure to stay in her room every night reading her Bible and keeping herself pure for you. What a joke.

 

And how unbelievably childish and nasty to throw crap in her face that she did as a teenage DUMBASS KID to coerce her into having sex with you now more often.

 

Just freakin' pitiful, all the way around.

 

I have zero sympathy for you. Zero. Men like you are exactly WHY women have to lie about their pasts rather than be able to be HONEST. You're why.

 

Holy hell lady. Relax.

 

As for lying...most of the women who feel the need to lie about their past nailed 100 dudes. I would lie too. They had their decade of sluttyness then realize that no man would marry a woman like that so they lie. Awesome.

I never once said I had a problem with how many partners or what they did. She was honest when we started dating about it.

 

What bothers me is reading about the details. Those are the images I cant get out of my head. I dont like imagining my wife screwing another guy no matter how long ago it was.

 

And for the record, there is a difference in numbers between men and women. Guys have to have confidence, charm, good looks and the whole works to get laid. Women need to show up.

 

And if you cant see how it would hurt a married man to know his wife gave it away so easily to her previous boyfriends but then gave her husband nothing for years then there is no point in having a conversation with you.

Edited September 19, 2015 by jh21

[Rejected Rosebud]

Hm this sounds almost exactly like a recent thread you should search for it. You only have 2 choices. Find acceptance, or end your marriage. You can probably get help with either choice with counseling! Mistrusting your wife and trying to make her prove her worth is toxic, don't even!

[TX-SC]

Holy hell lady. Relax.

 

As for lying...most of the women who feel the need to lie about their past nailed 100 dudes. I would lie too. They had their decade of sluttyness then realize that no man would marry a woman like that so they lie. Awesome.

I never once said I had a problem with how many partners or what they did. She was honest when we started dating about it.

 

What bothers me is reading about the details. Those are the images I cant get out of my head. I dont like imagining my wife screwing another guy no matter how long ago it was.

 

And for the record, there is a difference in numbers between men and women. Guys have to have confidence, charm, good looks and the whole works to get laid. Women need to show up.

 

And if you cant see how it would hurt a married man to know his wife gave it away so easily to her previous boyfriends but then gave her husband nothing for years then there is no point in having a conversation with you.

 

I think you have hit on the main point that so many here are overlooking. When a partner goes to great lengths to please other men, and relishes that fact in writing, but then gets married and refuses to have that same type of relationship with the husband, it makes it seem like he was "settled for" and that she doesn't have the same desire for him that she had for others. She gives tons of BJs while dating but refuses to do that for him. Or, she requires him to use a condom but let's every other BF cum inside her, and in fact ASKS them to. But not him.

 

Yes, it's tough to think about your spouse with other people. But, you'll just have to understand that she had fun, just like you did. She isn't a slut by any means. She just had some fun. Same as you.

 

What you should be addressing with your wife is the reason why she treats you differently than other guys. Do this with the understanding that sometimes people do things they don't necessarily enjoy just to make their date like them. With you she may be more relaxed and therefore willing to do only what she actually enjoys. That should be talked about. Don't goad her into doing something out of her past. Just discuss as a couple what each of you likes and dislikes then come to a compromise that works for you both.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it's YOU that she married. Love her and treat her well. Forget about her past and focus on the future.

[GoodOnPaper]

What I don't understand (and maybe I should make a new thread about it someday so we can discuss it) is why you feel entitled to all your wife's past sexual acts. I hear this a lot in here and I really get confused. "She had anal with an ex 20 years ago but she doesn't want to have it with me." Well yeah, she did it oce (or twice or whatever), she liked it or didn't like it and decided not to do it with her husband or do it rarely for her own reasons.

 

Because in the minds of many men, including myself, the wilder and less inhibited the sex = more intimacy. So if my wife did things with other guys that she refuses to do with me, I couldn't help but think she felt a greater connection to those other guys than she does with me, which would make me wonder why she married me and not one of those other guys who apparently aroused her more. I would feel cuckolded and that is no way for a wife to treat her husband if she truly loves him.

[Marc878]

You married her years ago. Has the marriage been good?

 

Neither you or her can change something that far back.

 

It's not an affair, not current. Keep the past where its supposed to be. In the past.

 

love her for who she is now.

[allymac]

It is hard! But if you have been happy all this time then the past shouldn't matter.

 

Lying about the STD is a slightly different issue because HPV or genital warts don't completely leave the system so even if she hasn't shown symptoms since you've been with her there's still a chance they will reoccur.

You should be tested just in case.

 

It seems like you are worried she has been more comfortable being sexual with other guys than with you. Its hard to hear those sorts of stories but people can change how she acts with you doesn't necessarily directly compare with how she acted in the past because she will have changed a lot since then.

She probably doesn't even remember the specifics of her past sexual experiences any more.

[PrettyEmily77]

What bothers me is reading about the details. Those are the images I cant get out of my head. I dont like imagining my wife screwing another guy no matter how long ago it was.

 

So were you coerced into reading it, or something?

 

After reading the first couple of pages, did you not realise you were in fact violating her privacy? What exactly made you read on rather than stop at that point?

 

[S2B]

Because in the minds of many men, including myself, the wilder and less inhibited the sex = more intimacy. So if my wife did things with other guys that she refuses to do with me, I couldn't help but think she felt a greater connection to those other guys than she does with me, which would make me wonder why she married me and not one of those other guys who apparently aroused her more. I would feel cuckolded and that is no way for a wife to treat her husband if she truly loves him.

 

This is simply untrue.

 

I've done many things with certain men and it did not ever equate to "more intimacy". In fact, what I decided to do with certain men was determined by their package and how open their mind was.

 

If a partner has a closed mind I don't ever consider things that are out of 'the norm'.

 

If he's excessively big then anal is ruled out. If he's average or smaller then anal comes into consideration.

 

None of the acts themselves make me feel intimate with any man. It's the conversations and vulnerability that equate to intimacy, for me. The more a man shares his feelings and is real with me - that is what equates to intimacy.

 

If a man has his guard up or with holds being close - then I don't find that 'intimate'.

 

So, I do believe, there can be sex but no intimacy - or little intimacy. There can also be no sex but a LOT of intimacy.

 

The best is loads of intimacy and great sex with someone who is open minded.

[autumnnight]

I think you have hit on the main point that so many here are overlooking. When a partner goes to great lengths to please other men, and relishes that fact in writing, but then gets married and refuses to have that same type of relationship with the husband, it makes it seem like he was "settled for" and that she doesn't have the same desire for him that she had for others. She gives tons of BJs while dating but refuses to do that for him. Or, she requires him to use a condom but let's every other BF cum inside her, and in fact ASKS them to. But not him.

 

Yes, it's tough to think about your spouse with other people. But, you'll just have to understand that she had fun, just like you did. She isn't a slut by any means. She just had some fun. Same as you.

 

What you should be addressing with your wife is the reason why she treats you differently than other guys. Do this with the understanding that sometimes people do things they don't necessarily enjoy just to make their date like them. With you she may be more relaxed and therefore willing to do only what she actually enjoys. That should be talked about. Don't goad her into doing something out of her past. Just discuss as a couple what each of you likes and dislikes then come to a compromise that works for you both.

 

Look, at the end of the day, it's YOU that she married. Love her and treat her well. Forget about her past and focus on the future.

 

Did the OP say ANYTHING about his wife refusing to do for him what she did for others?

 

BTW...if you are dating a woman and find out someting huge about her, I can understand completely calling it off.

 

When a man KNOWS a woman had multiple partners before him, he marries her ANYWAY, and then decides to get upset about it, that is not something that "makes sense" or "he needs to talk to other men about because they understand." It is just plain unfair.

 

The STD thing....that would bother me, and I would have to talk to her about it.

[TX-SC]

This is simply untrue.

 

I've done many things with certain men and it did not ever equate to "more intimacy". In fact, what I decided to do with certain men was determined by their package and how open their mind was.

 

If a partner has a closed mind I don't ever consider things that are out of 'the norm'.

 

If he's excessively big then anal is ruled out. If he's average or smaller then anal comes into consideration.

 

None of the acts themselves make me feel intimate with any man. It's the conversations and vulnerability that equate to intimacy, for me. The more a man shares his feelings and is real with me - that is what equates to intimacy.

 

If a man has his guard up or with holds being close - then I don't find that 'intimate'.

 

So, I do believe, there can be sex but no intimacy - or little intimacy. There can also be no sex but a LOT of intimacy.

 

The best is loads of intimacy and great sex with someone who is open minded.

 

Soooo, you would withhold sexual acts from your husband, who you should be MOST intimate with, that you did with past partners?

[autumnnight]

Soooo, you would withhold sexual acts from your husband, who you should be MOST intimate with, that you did with past partners?

 

The ONLY act she mentioned withholding here was anal if the man is very big. The rest was about intimacy and whether the MAN is closed minded. Reading comprehension rather than projection is important.

 

AGAIN, the OP hasn't complained that she was wilder with all of them. Is this something that is a personal trigger for you?

[TX-SC]

The ONLY act she mentioned withholding here was anal if the man is very big. The rest was about intimacy and whether the MAN is closed minded. Reading comprehension rather than projection is important.

 

AGAIN, the OP hasn't complained that she was wilder with all of them. Is this something that is a personal trigger for you?

 

Please go back and read what she was responding to. My first post above that you responded to was more of a "thinking out loud" post. No, it's not a trigger...

[GoodOnPaper]

If a partner has a closed mind I don't ever consider things that are out of 'the norm'.

 

Would a woman have an intimate relationship with a man who she feels is closed-minded? That would strike me as a big barrier to intimacy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Soooo, you would withhold sexual acts from your husband, who you should be MOST intimate with, that you did with past partners?

If you really don't want to do something sexual, you should not do it. Even if you did it before. If she had anal and it made her feel really bad, no. She doesn't have an obligation to keep on doing it now because she is married to somebody. Sheesh.

 

OP. I think that you reading her journals is more destructive to your marriage than whatever she did before she knew you.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I knew about how many partners she had but no details. We were pretty wild together when we first started so its not really a jealousy thing."

 

This isn't about how many partners or the things that she did with them. I read "pretty wild together" to mean they have done just about everything that normal liberated couples do. This isn't about doing things with other men that she wouldn't do with her H.

 

He violated her privacy by reading journals that dated back 20 YEARS!! The 'shocking' quotes aren't exactly graphic or disturbing. They're just what you'd expect a very young woman exploring her sexuality to write. "blow job...naughty girl!!". What exactly is the issue here?

 

He knew how many partners she'd had. I assume he didnt think she was laying there like a plank hating every moment of it! He has some visuals now. I do understand that it's not a pleasant thing but he didn't have to keep reading!

 

She's been loving & faithful for over 10 years. Married for 8. They have 2 children together. She's a mother & a wife AND NEARLY 40 YEARS OLD.

 

I would be bothered that she lied about the STDs. If he thinks that it's worth throwing away his happy family for....so be it.

Out of interest....did she definitely have warts? I thought they could never be 'cured'. Strange you've had 2 kids & never had them. I don't know much about it though.

 

I get the feeling this is more about his unresolved jealousy over her long term ex who she slept with before they became exclusive. What else did she write about that relationship? How many years was she with him prior to meeting the OP? I know my H had issues with my long term ex for a long time (they never met & I was single for a while before we got together) I understand that the OP would have problems with him. Reading about that relationship must of been REALLY hard.

 

I wouldn't like to read details of my H's romantic & sexual past but IT'S THE PAST!

 

The OP has been festering & obsessing on this for 4 months! This isn't shocking NEW information about a girlfriend of a year who's been blatantly lying, saying she's had 2 boyfriends, never had a ONS etc. This is his WIFE & MOTHER of his children.

 

It's most concerning that this bothers the OP so much that he's been obsessing on it for 4 MONTHS!

 

I think it's sad that some of those journals are gone. If my mother or grandmother had kept journals of their lives as young women I would treasure them. Priceless. Please let her keep the ones that talk about important family experiences at least. I'm thinking of them with my emphasis on family because of my personal feelings. I know the OP only sees the few sexual references & not the bigger picture right now. I think when they're watching their grandchildren grow the OP will (or could of) seen this differently.

[S2B]

Would a woman have an intimate relationship with a man who she feels is closed-minded? That would strike me as a big barrier to intimacy.

 

Being intimate and having intimacy are two completely separate concepts.

 

Yes, I can have sex but have it not be intimate. A closed mind does create limitations to intimacy. I can feel "close to" a man with a closed mind - but I feel closer to a man with an open mind.

 

You see, it's usually that sharing of feelings that creates a close bond between two people. Words exchanged and experiences they have together. Read over on the Om/OW forum and you'll see that most affairs start that way...over sharing to create intimacy (or the illusion of it). Not to get off topic...

 

 

But OP - your wife had experience before you - so what? Allowing it to affect you now is something you do not need to focus on. You do have control over letting this go.

 

Focus on what you have now... Not what she did then.

[Discjockey80]

This is simply untrue.

 

I've done many things with certain men and it did not ever equate to "more intimacy". In fact, what I decided to do with certain men was determined by their package and how open their mind was.

 

If a partner has a closed mind I don't ever consider things that are out of 'the norm'.

 

If he's excessively big then anal is ruled out. If he's average or smaller then anal comes into consideration.

 

None of the acts themselves make me feel intimate with any man. It's the conversations and vulnerability that equate to intimacy, for me. The more a man shares his feelings and is real with me - that is what equates to intimacy.

 

If a man has his guard up or with holds being close - then I don't find that 'intimate'.

 

So, I do believe, there can be sex but no intimacy - or little intimacy. There can also be no sex but a LOT of intimacy.

 

The best is loads of intimacy and great sex with someone who is open minded.

 

 

Okay, yes, for you maybe. But what if that's the way a given man needs it to be? What then?

 

 

I totally get both perspectives but there are two people in the relationship.

[SummerDreams]

Because in the minds of many men, including myself, the wilder and less inhibited the sex = more intimacy. So if my wife did things with other guys that she refuses to do with me, I couldn't help but think she felt a greater connection to those other guys than she does with me, which would make me wonder why she married me and not one of those other guys who apparently aroused her more. I would feel cuckolded and that is no way for a wife to treat her husband if she truly loves him.

 

Has it ever occured to you that a woman can marry a man for other reasons than being aroused by him? In fact I have never heard a woman say she married her husband cause of the good sex. Good sex is surely a great factor but definitely not the major one.

 

And no, for me sex does not necessarily create intimacy. As S2B said, conversation and cuddling create intimacy.

 

And no, just cause I once did something sexually for various reasons (I was immature, drunk, wanted to try it, someone pushed me to do it and so on) does not oblige me to do it again with my husband in the name of love. If he truly loves me he will respect my decision and not take it personally.

[Dolfin80]

Because in the minds of many men, including myself, the wilder and less inhibited the sex = more intimacy. So if my wife did things with other guys that she refuses to do with me, I couldn't help but think she felt a greater connection to those other guys than she does with me, which would make me wonder why she married me and not one of those other guys who apparently aroused her more. I would feel cuckolded and that is no way for a wife to treat her husband if she truly loves him.

 

When you're a teenager you are more aroused because you are very fertile.....your body want to make babies. At the age of 39 your eggs have dried up so your desire to make babies has gone.

Trying to say that a 39 year old women should have the sex drive of a teenager is very unrealistic.

 

His wife is almost 40, she doesn't have to behave like a fertile teenager anymore, she's got kids to raise.

[road]

I vote that we lynch the OP's wife, who's in favor?

 

 

Why?

 

 

As Ann Landers said never leave in writing what you would not want to see printed on the front page of the newspaper.

 

 

This wife probably has never looked at these journals since she got married. So that shows they were not important to her, just a woman being overly romantic. Yet to leave them around is the same as leaving land mines in the ground after the war was over. These journals were left to explode and kill and wound he husband.

 

 

If what she did with these others was that special she then should of not needed to write down notes so she would not forget.

 

 

Memories fade.

 

 

There is a reason why some memories fade more then others. And that is how they should be. A spouse should not be recalling all the great dates and sex they had before they met their spouse.

[anna121]

She did not "recall" them. She wrote them down AT THE TIME. You know....before she was married?

 

Then they got packed away in BOXES. They weren't exactly on her nightstand.

 

You talk like these journals were sex diaries. They were diaries of her life. The idea that she should throw them away because her husband might not like details of her life is....insane. The idea that she is now at fault for what she wrote in them is....insane.

[anna121]

I note that OP has not explained why, once he understood what he was reading, he kept on doing so. I mean, he read ALOT of her entries. For sure more than one diary, right?

 

It really, really sounds like he was either pain shopping, or looking for something with which to leverage his wife, perhaps over their unsatisfying sex.

[Discjockey80]

Has it ever occured to you that a woman can marry a man for other reasons than being aroused by him? In fact I have never heard a woman say she married her husband cause of the good sex. Good sex is surely a great factor but definitely not the major one.

 

And no, for me sex does not necessarily create intimacy. As S2B said, conversation and cuddling create intimacy.

 

And no, just cause I once did something sexually for various reasons (I was immature, drunk, wanted to try it, someone pushed me to do it and so on) does not oblige me to do it again with my husband in the name of love. If he truly loves me he will respect my decision and not take it personally.

 

Or sure she can. But what man would want that. Marriage isn't about you it's about your husband and for him it's about you. Or at least it should be.

[sandylee1]

You had no right to invade her privacy like this. Those events were 2 decades ago and of course you don't want to visualise her with other men, but she wasn't your wife then. I think you're being very unfair here and the double standard is sexist. It's okay for your number to he higher as a man.....I thought we'd moved on from that in 2015.

 

Remember her thoughts were more immature in line with her age and even writing such details shows her age. It's in the past and gone. Imagine you have a daughter who journals like this and in 35 years from now when she's done dating and married, her husband reads the journal. Would it be fair to judge her on her youthful acts.......honestly even criminals have the rehabilitation of offenders act to cover them.

 

I used to get woken up by an ex bf for sex in the middle of the night....like 3 times in the day wasn't already enough.........would I wake up and do it with my husband? Absolutely not. I didn't like it then, but I was just too inexperienced and probably scared of loosing him to refuse. I look back on it and realise what a selfish jerk he was for forcing me to wake up, but I was just 20 years old. It was all wrapped up in "your so hot and I can't resist you/I'm so hard/look what you do to me" - that's the crap I believed at that age, but I wouldn''t buy that bull over 20 years later.

 

So don't expect your wife to do all the stuff she did back then......she really may not have enjoyed it. She's older and wiser.....Please cut her some slack.