Upset about my wifes past

[TX-SC]

Dude, just freaking tell her your concerns and talk it out. That's what married people do.

[sandylee1]

Has the std been passed on to you? Is she fully rid of it?

 

Unless the std can be passed to you, then don't bother mentioning it to her. It's going to be embarrassing for her.

[jh21]

Has the std been passed on to you? Is she fully rid of it?

 

Unless the std can be passed to you, then don't bother mentioning it to her. It's going to be embarrassing for her.

 

No it hasnt. And Its long gone I think.

 

But the thing Im upset about is she lied to me when I asked her if she ever had an STD. Same as she lied about how many 1 night stands. She said only 1 but there were many more.

[d0nnivain]

But the thing Im upset about is she lied to me when I asked her if she ever had an STD. Same as she lied about how many 1 night stands. She said only 1 but there were many more.

 

We get it. Somebody you trusted betrayed that trust. You feel like you have been living a lie since. However, she's been living a lie for the last 4 months when you lied & said you weren't upset about this.

 

You have to come clean & TALK about it.

[coryreply]

Dude, get counseling. Good luck. That's tough.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, this is a puzzler...

 

 

Typically I don't endorse fessing-up to the partner that you read/did something like (reading her journals), but in your case, I was ready to suggest that you should let her know (and I saw that you DID just that).

 

Next, you have to re-process this whole thing as if you've just entered a shopping mall and have only the little dot which assures "You are HERE" to guide you.

 

 

The instinct to put yourself back 10 1/2 years, or whatever, and judge this woman based on your newfound intimate knowledge of her sexual expression really doesn't have any place in today's solution.

 

The fact is, that any STD she had back then is already part of your biology too - which may or may not EVER affect your life/behavior.

 

 

I also have the instinct to point out that "the best defense (for your feelings) is a great offense!"

 

And in this case that means boldly daring to have a deeeeeetailed discussion WITH her ON the intricate details you read about.

 

You ARE allowed to have various feelings about them, and to voice whatever feelings you see fit to express. She is NOT in any way to be made to seem 'wrong' for her own, personal journaling OF those experiences.

 

And I know it is somewhat tricky to envision your own wife living those various experiences... but IF you endeavor not to be defensive or judgmental then you may entice her to speak in some detail about some of those experiences in much the same way that comfortable partners can share details of their sexual fantasies without judgment.

 

SOME of those shared conversations will lessen the (images OF) those various 'good times' and with your sharing those discussions they will even seem to be more a seeming part of you, and certainly a part of your relationship... and let them be so - they are only (true) stories... of the ancient past.

 

This present-day woman is STILL your wife, and she's great in that role.

 

 

Don't forget: "You are HERE"

[sheberiding]

It is obvious that you are feeling that something has been lost, a feeling of insecurity

a feeling of inability to have the sexual exclusivity. And since you did wild things in the past too, you have culpability too you are buying the cultural notion that you are not allowed to judge her and be upset by your discovery. You are and it is ok. I read over and over in these threads : "shame on you for asking and then getting upset"' or in your case snooping or "how dare you get upset with her for doing in large part what you did". and my favorite "the past is past" look at today. While I agree with all that, I don't think it is helpful for you. Retroactive jealousy doesn't usually get better without the help of a CBT therapist because the part of your brain that produces these feelings can not and does not differentiate between time periods. So, the cashier who was rude to me at the mall can still make me angry two weeks later when I think about it. My brain activates all the regions involved as if it were happening right now. This is what your brain is doing and why you are in such pain. This type of jealousy can be a relationship killer overtime so it is best to deal with it now.

[beanie66f]

In the words of Bridget jones " everyone knows that diaries are full of crap"

 

I agree with the other posters. You need to let the past be the past. If you can't get past this on your own then definitely get help. Focus on now. Life is short.

 

It's one thing to "hear" from your spouse that they had relationships prior to marriage ... When we talk about this we leave out all the details. A lot have faded and specific encounters in the past are exactly that... In the past. But when one keeps a diary .. Well it's an written account of your past. Diaries are not meant to be shared ... Certainly not Diaries from when we were young and wild!

 

I understand it was hurtful to read that stuff. But it wasn't meant for you to see or read. Please talk to someone about figuring out how to move past what you have read.

[Dolfin80]

She's lucky to have kept a diary. Please don't throw it out. I only wished that I kept one because now I can't remember what I did.

 

I now can't remember how many people I have slept with or their names!

 

So if someone asks me how many people have you slept with, I have to say....I don't know as I can't remember.

 

So best not to throw it out, they are her memories.

 

To be honest, you sound insecure within yourself and my advice is to see a counsellor about your feelings towards her diary.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Dolfin80

[TX-SC]

She's lucky to have kept a diary. Please don't throw it out. I only wished that I kept one because now I can't remember what I did.

 

I now can't remember how many people I have slept with or their names!

 

So if someone asks me how many people have you slept with, I have to say....I don't know as I can't remember.

 

So best not to throw it out, they are her memories.

 

To be honest, you sound insecure within yourself and my advice is to see a counsellor about your feelings towards her diary.

 

I do believe the way she treats him and the part about the STDs are of concern

[ShatteredLady]

To be honest I didn't know anything about genital warts. I had to google it! Apparently it's one of those things where you can treat the symptoms (warts) but not the virus. Do you think she is making you use condoms because of this? (Please correct me if anyone knows more about this)

 

Is it possible that she thought she was exposed & wrote in her journal that she thought she had them but didn't? How was it worded? eg "Went to docs, confirmed I have GW!"

 

I'd be mad if she has an STD & lied putting you at risk if she has a flare.

 

On the general subject... I'm in my mid 40's & I wish I'd kept journals. I think it would be really entertaining to look back at that strange, confused, different girl I was in my dim distant past.

 

In the last year or so I've started keeping a journal. For personal reasons I think it will be an interesting thing for my children to read when they're adults but that's a very different thing.

 

The truth is its despicable for you to of read them. They're private! She has been very open with you about her life, her past. (Except the whole STD thing...if it wasn't a false alarm) The way we journal an event is very different to what we remember decades later!!

 

She's a very different person now, as are YOU!! I truly don't get what a big deal this is. If you'd been Journaling at that time in your life how would it read now a decade or more later??

 

I'm a very different person to you. I'd love it if my H & I had been journalers. It would be such fun to read eachothers now!! If I read that my H was doing things or fantasizing about other women SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER I'd be devastated & starting a thread here!

Maybe it's because we've been together so long & been through so much. I consider us kids before we met (& for many years after) I really don't judge him for being an adolescent, young adult...I just find it interesting! I want to know everything about him.

 

Anyway....this is about YOU & your feelings. Your pain & secrecy over this is FAR more damaging than anything she could of done with some penis over a decade ago! You are entitled to your feelings. Own them & deal with them but don't put any of this on her. She was always honest & open with you (except the confusing STD thing). I know I'm not the person I was when I was 'exploring & finding myself'. REALLY?!? You love & trust your wife. Don't screw-up a great thing because of insecurity.

 

Bet you wish you'd never snooped now!!

[jh21]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

All this started 4 months ago. For the longest time, years actually, we drifted apart. Mainly because the kids but alot had to do with us not putting in the time or caring about the marriage actually. Then one day, roughly 4 months ago, I was having talk with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. It was then I decided to do a complete 180 and make the marriage work. We went on date nights. We started being nice to each other and everything was great.

 

Then I found those journals. So it was a mixed bag of me trying my hardest in the marriage to me being sick having all those images in my head to it triggering the weekend when she had a fling with a guy mentioned in the journals alot when we were first starting off casually dating.

 

Because of what I read and the memories that were triggered of the weekend where she was with that other guy, I started bringing up that weekend over and over looking for awnsers and never getting the ones I wanted. It was upsetting her and making me more insecure for even talking about it. I was going back and forth after ahe thought we were good saying I dont know if I can stay and such. Reading the journals brought back her searching him on facebook in 2013 but she said she was just curious and didnt contact him. We went to counselling and brushed it all under the rug. I was close to leaving then and reading the journals triggered it all back.

 

I had to tell her I read the journals and that was the reason I was bringing up a weekend fling 10 years ago and for acting like I was.

 

We talked about her not using condoms back then and then why the F should I have to? She said her period was all messed up and was on birth control and she is terrified of having another kid now (she is 39) as am I!! Since then we have used condoms less during the right time and I just got a vasectomy.

 

We talked about that weekend fling with the other guy and who he was, how she felt about him and how after it happened she knew it would never work (she wad supposed to move to his city..news to me! To be with him) and that she was never to have contact with him again. And we agreed to be exclusive. We talked about how I was acting the way I was because of what I read. We talked about how I have always been insecure and have trust issues because of that weekend, even though we werent officially together yet but she told me all she wants is me and she has been faithful since that incident. I told her (and I told myself) I wont talk about that weekend anymore and that I do trust her.

 

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

So basically its these images in my head, and me still obsessing (to myself) about that weekend and that guy that was triggered by reading those journals as well as me not mentioning anything about the STD. But other than that our marriage has been the best it has been in years.

[jh21]

To be honest I didn't know anything about genital warts. I had to google it! Apparently it's one of those things where you can treat the symptoms (warts) but not the virus. Do you think she is making you use condoms because of this? (Please correct me if anyone knows more about this)

 

Is it possible that she thought she was exposed & wrote in her journal that she thought she had them but didn't? How was it worded? eg "Went to docs, confirmed I have GW!"

 

I'd be mad if she has an STD & lied putting you at risk if she has a flare.

 

On the general subject... I'm in my mid 40's & I wish I'd kept journals. I think it would be really entertaining to look back at that strange, confused, different girl I was in my dim distant past.

 

In the last year or so I've started keeping a journal. For personal reasons I think it will be an interesting thing for my children to read when they're adults but that's a very different thing.

 

The truth is its despicable for you to of read them. They're private! She has been very open with you about her life, her past. (Except the whole STD thing...if it wasn't a false alarm) The way we journal an event is very different to what we remember decades later!!

 

She's a very different person now, as are YOU!! I truly don't get what a big deal this is. If you'd been Journaling at that time in your life how would it read now a decade or more later??

 

I'm a very different person to you. I'd love it if my H & I had been journalers. It would be such fun to read eachothers now!! If I read that my H was doing things or fantasizing about other women SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER I'd be devastated & starting a thread here!

Maybe it's because we've been together so long & been through so much. I consider us kids before we met (& for many years after) I really don't judge him for being an adolescent, young adult...I just find it interesting! I want to know everything about him.

 

Anyway....this is about YOU & your feelings. Your pain & secrecy over this is FAR more damaging than anything she could of done with some penis over a decade ago! You are entitled to your feelings. Own them & deal with them but don't put any of this on her. She was always honest & open with you (except the confusing STD thing). I know I'm not the person I was when I was 'exploring & finding myself'. REALLY?!? You love & trust your wife. Don't screw-up a great thing because of insecurity.

 

Bet you wish you'd never snooped now!!

 

Well of course I wish I had never read those damn things!!

 

As for the condoms...No, its not because of the STD. We never use them at the beginning of sex. Never had. Just at the end. And then not all the time either.

 

I really think its because she is scared to get pregnant again which is understandable but ahe has an IUD and she has never told me to take it off like she did to her very first BF when she was 18.

 

I know it sounds immature to be hung up on something from 20 years ago but it sucks reading that she did stuff with guys that she wont with me. Mainly the condoms and stuff and being so easy with them when for year I had to beg for it. Our dating phase was phenominal then the kids came and there was nothing. Just recently it has gotten better.

[Dolfin80]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

 

Thats emotional blackmale, coersion. So you manipulate her to get sex out of her.....wow!

[jh21]

Thats emotional blackmale, coersion. So you manipulate her to get sex out of her.....wow!

 

Actually no, not at all. We are having sex again because we started working on our relationship and communicating. And I started treating her the way she deserved to be treated.

 

But she also realized (through communication which we have been working on) that she needs to try too in the relationship which means initiating sex every now and again as well.

 

All those other issues are mine to eat and find a way to work out.

Edited September 19, 2015 by jh21

[bubbaganoosh]

I just don't understand why people put their personal business, things that they don't want anyone else to know about on paper or on a disk. It's nothing but a invitation to have someone find out sooner or later.

 

People were blessed with the ability to remember and things of the nature your wife wrote about should have been kept in her head where it can stay forever.

 

Look friend, it's history. If she's been a good wife to you then be glad. Leaf through the infidelity section of this forum and there's some real doozies to read there.

[ShatteredLady]

I truly feel for you. I can feel your pain in the words you use. Your latest posts say a lot more...

 

You've been through a lot in a short time.

Vasectomy is a huge life altering thing! That must effect you on a few different levels.

In my own life I find 'roller-coaster emotions' REALLY hard to handle....like going from the 'high' of things getting great in your marriage too the 'low' of reading the journals.

 

Have you been feeling insecure, low self esteme for a long time before you guys pulled back together? I know that feeling that distance & emotional isolation really effected how I perceived & reacted to things in my life.

 

I'm so glad that you got that wake-up call. It's so common for couples to get neglectful of eachother & the marriage at that stage of life. They never tell you how completely & utterly life changing having children is!!

 

What really screams out of your post are your unmanaged feelings regarding the weekend you guys became exclusive. Have you always felt this or is it relatively new (before kids etc)?

 

It feels like you have a lot going for you as a couple. If you had kept those kinds of journal over those years of your life how would they read now?

[jh21]

I truly feel for you. I can feel your pain in the words you use. Your latest posts say a lot more...

 

You've been through a lot in a short time.

Vasectomy is a huge life altering thing! That must effect you on a few different levels.

In my own life I find 'roller-coaster emotions' REALLY hard to handle....like going from the 'high' of things getting great in your marriage too the 'low' of reading the journals.

 

Have you been feeling insecure, low self esteme for a long time before you guys pulled back together? I know that feeling that distance & emotional isolation really effected how I perceived & reacted to things in my life.

 

I'm so glad that you got that wake-up call. It's so common for couples to get neglectful of eachother & the marriage at that stage of life. They never tell you how completely & utterly life changing having children is!!

 

What really screams out of your post are your unmanaged feelings regarding the weekend you guys became exclusive. Have you always felt this or is it relatively new (before kids etc)?

 

It feels like you have a lot going for you as a couple. If you had kept those kinds of journal over those years of your life how would they read now?

 

Im good with the vasectomy. I wanted it done! As for self esteem, I have never had issues and I ahve always been the leader of my group.

 

I have always been a little insecure about that weekend though. Its a long story in its self but it has always been at the back of my mind. (I actually have a post going in the infidelity forum about it) Like I said, reading those journals and reading about him and her, 6 years before I showed up triggered it all back.

 

As for me writing journals....well I had way more one night stands than her but she has had way more meaninful boyfriends. My journals would be much of the same though which is why I said its hard for me to criticize her because I did much of the same.

 

I think because of what happened that weekend 10 years ago I have never been able to deal with the thought of her with another man??

 

And we do have alot going for us. And I do still love her but there is alot of stuff going on in my head....images of her and the stuff I read, that weekend still bothering me and trust issues that I need to deal with.

Edited September 19, 2015 by jh21

[S2B]

History can not be changed.

 

This is weighing heavily on your mind.

 

Get a therapist to help you... You need help getting past this information you've discovered.

 

You say your M is really good now but it's you who is about to ruin it if you don't work through your resentments that she can not change.

 

 

It is her past. It's gone.

 

If you want to hold it against her then just let her go now - because it's as good as pushing her away if you can't get it resolved in YOUR head.

[Dolfin80]

Actually no, not at all. We are having sex again because we started working on our relationship and communicating. And I started treating her the way she deserved to be treated.

 

But she also realized (through communication which we have been working on) that she needs to try too in the relationship which means initiating sex every now and again as well.

 

All those other issues are mine to eat and find a way to work out.

 

Good to hear, the way it was written sounded though it was. Why do you even care what your wife did before you guys officially formed a relationship, talk this over with a counsellor as it shouldn't really matter. She's an adult now not a teenager or her brain isn't developing still (under 25). You are mature now.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you guys had long, calm, flowing conversations about that weekend & the events surrounding it? I know I had to completely "get-it" to move on. If any little part didn't make sense I would obsess on it.

 

I still have no idea how to deal with "Triggers" or "Mind Movies". I didn't know any of these words & phrases even existed until a couple of months ago!

[Discjockey80]

What you are experiencing is a desire for 'funner' and 'wilder' experiences with her. Its good you are having more sex. Now work on spicing it up.

[sandylee1]

No it hasnt. And Its long gone I think.

 

But the thing Im upset about is she lied to me when I asked her if she ever had an STD. Same as she lied about how many 1 night stands. She said only 1 but there were many more.

 

Because she liked /loved you and didn't want you to think badly of her. It's not a question I would want to be asked TBH. It's like someone is enquiring about my sexual past and that's a private matter.

 

I would never have wanted even one ONS in my life, but I couldn't force the guys to come back and would hate to be judged because I had bad luck with trying to find the one. I never set out to have a ONS at any time and your wife may well have been the same.

 

I would be embarrassed to admit to my BF an std in my past as well, because it makes it seem like I was bed hopping, which isn't necessarily the reality. It may paint a picture that isn't really me.

 

The fundamental thing is do you have a more grown up version of who she was?

Are those traits still part of her from what you've seen?

Is she truthful and transparent in her interactions?

 

If you obsess over her past, it will damage the present and the future.

[sandylee1]

Actually no, not at all. We are having sex again because we started working on our relationship and communicating. And I started treating her the way she deserved to be treated.

 

But she also realized (through communication which we have been working on) that she needs to try too in the relationship which means initiating sex every now and again as well.

 

All those other issues are mine to eat and find a way to work out.

 

A lot of what you say about your wife sounds like me actually. Had a kept a journal, and wrote every little escapade, it wouldn't be a true representation of who I really am.

 

And like your wife..........I pretty much used to sleep with all my BFs whenever we saw each other, but didn't live with any of them and none of those relationships lasted as long as my marriage has.

 

With young kids and a house to run, it wasn't the same. Most especially when they were young and demanding and I felt I did everything with them and for them.

 

Things have turned around a lot for us. They are teens and tweens now , so all they demand is money.☺

But seriously, it is a challenging time and my libido has decreased greatly from what it was in my late teens and twenties.

 

My husband is still the initiater 9 out of 10 times - i just try and make sure I say yes every time, he initiates.

 

Once you rekindle date nights and really appreciate each other , things become a whole lot better. Don't keep thinking about a time you weren't exclusive and making her out to be something else.

 

Good luck

[SummerDreams]

So your wife knew that the things she did in her youth were "slutty" (I use this word cause she used it for herself). Well at least I give her credit for that. What I don't understand (and maybe I should make a new thread about it someday so we can discuss it) is why you feel entitled to all your wife's past sexual acts. I hear this a lot in here and I really get confused. "She had anal with an ex 20 years ago but she doesn't want to have it with me." Well yeah, she did it oce (or twice or whatever), she liked it or didn't like it and decided not to do it with her husband or do it rarely for her own reasons. Now I understand why men in the past wanted their wives to be virgins; so they are sure everything they do or don't do with them is not something sje may have done with other men in the past. But why do men feel like this? Don't they get that people grow up, become more mature, and while in their youth they do things without thinking them through that they later regret?