Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I just dont get it. Im wondering if it is something I should bring up with her ir just let it go. It seems I keep on bringing up that weekend at random times even if things are good with us. As an outsider, I'd tell you you're sabotaging the very success you're celebrating when you do this. But they're your feelings and emotions to deal with in a way that feels authentic and appropriate - to you. What does your therapist say about this? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jh21 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) As an outsider, I'd tell you you're sabotaging the very success you're celebrating when you do this. But they're your feelings and emotions to deal with in a way that feels authentic and appropriate - to you. What does your therapist say about this? Mr. Lucky Yes. I agree. I think I need to just leave it alone. I know it's my OCD (which the SSRI is supposed to help with) which is making me obsess about these things instead of dealing with it. I haven't talked to the therapist about that weekend stuff about that guy and her yet. We went as a couple twice. Talked about the issues like the facebook search (brought ilup the wedding weekend briefly I guess) , pictures of her ex and my trust issues. Then it became clear that this had nothing to do with her and instead all about me. The therapist basically said I have been acting like this for years because Im expecting her to do something (cheat, leave). I have had a rough go of it. My grandparents died in a car crash when I was 10. My close uncle died from cancer when I was 18. My grandma died from cancer 2 years later. Then my other grandpa had a heart attack and died. Our first daughter had a heart condition (that we knew about in the first trimester) and died when she was 11 days old in 2009. Then my mom had a rough batch with cancer and died 2 years later. So it has been impossible to trust or let my guard down because basically she said everyone I love has left (died) so Im expecting my wife to do the same. Add in a dad who treated his son (my younger half brother) better than he treated me as a young kid and Im basically a phycologists dream patient. As soon as she heard about all these issues she booked me in 3 sessions in 6 weeks to get to the bottom of it. I think I will talk about that wedding weekend and all the issues I have with that as well as my not being able to deal with the thoughts of her with her exs (the journals) She ended our last session to think about what I say to my wife before I say it and not to be so hard on myself. (Insecure I guess?) Then she also said not everyone I have loved has left referring to my wife. Then next is another app. with the phyciatrist in a month to do some congniative and see if the SSRI's are working. Edited October 26, 2015 by jh21 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 She ended our last session to think about what I say to my wife before I say it and not to be so hard on myself. Both of those might be two sides of the same thing. In other words, you're not saying those things to your wife, you're saying them to the person that chose you for marriage. You've faced some difficult issues and done some hard work just since you started this thread. Where I come from, that's called progress . FOO issues are tough, keep up the fight... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jh21 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Both of those might be two sides of the same thing. In other words, you're not saying those things to your wife, you're saying them to the person that chose you for marriage. You've faced some difficult issues and done some hard work just since you started this thread. Where I come from, that's called progress . FOO issues are tough, keep up the fight... Mr. Lucky Yes, you are right. I have buried alot of stuff for alot of years. For some reason it has all come crashing down on me now. I do want to make it work and get my head levelled out so to speak but it's easier said than done. Thank you for the help along the way. Your advise has helped a great deal. Link to post Share on other sites
boltam Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I just dont understand why she would have kept that pic. People hold onto their memories. I've got digital photos of exgirlfriends and me in folders on my computer, it's for nostalgia, nothing more. You really need to think about being less overbearing and controlling. She's going to resent you for making her throw all that stuff away. I wonder if she really got rid of it or just hid it somewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jh21 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 People hold onto their memories. I've got digital photos of exgirlfriends and me in folders on my computer, it's for nostalgia, nothing more. You really need to think about being less overbearing and controlling. She's going to resent you for making her throw all that stuff away. I wonder if she really got rid of it or just hid it somewhere. She burnt them. She said she always wanted to get rid of them but never got around to it. Link to post Share on other sites
boltam Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 She burnt them. She said she always wanted to get rid of them but never got around to it. She never got around to it because she didn't really want to get rid of them. If she did, she would have, she only did so after constant urging on your part. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jh21 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 She never got around to it because she didn't really want to get rid of them. If she did, she would have, she only did so after constant urging on your part. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise. Maybe so. But I have known my wife for 10 years. I think she knew they were around but she just does not think like me. She just isn't wired like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Carriages Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 There is no "right" answer here. The point is, what you've discovered and the half truths associated with it, hurt you and made you feel uneasy. It doesn't matter if it "should" do that or not. The fact is, it did. So you need to be able to go to your wife tell her you need her help processing this. Phrase it this way, rather than making an accusation. If your wife is committed to you - and it sounds as though she is - she'll do everything she can do to help you work it out. And it'll just come down to listening, reassuring, .... which will help you trust her, and eventually forget the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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