Upset about my wifes past

[deadelvis]

...And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild", we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us...

 

This is not always true. For some women it's the opposite. My partner only enjoyed being wild and kinky with ONS's. Boyfriends don't get to see that side of her. The unattached nature of a ONS often brings out the "freaky side" of a woman that her husband will never see. The classic example of this is when the OM gets all the crazy sex acts she's been denying her husband.

[Grumpybutfun]

It wears me out just imagining being in your wife's shoes.

 

I've looked up men from my past on FB too. Is it because I still want them, want to reconnect, still enjoy fond memories of them? NO. It's just because I am curious where they are, what they are doing. Nosy. That's it.

 

She looked him up over 2 years ago, and you still can't let it go.

 

You have spied on her, used a keylogger, lived in a state of paranoia, not trusted her.

 

Your roadblock to intimacy has NOTHING to do with her past or what she will or won't do with you sexually. It's your distrust! She can't be vulnerable and submit to you, because it is simply not safe for her to do so. You will assume she is up to something - "A new move!!! Who has she been with!" "Why is she horny all of a sudden!?! Who is she thinking about!!! It's HIM, isn't it?!?!?!"

 

I mean, ffs... what do you expect here?

 

Now it's the journals. You found out that long ago she had FEELINGS! And those FEELINGS are different than the feelings she has now, so many years later! So she must be a liar! A manipulator! She must not love you!

 

Come on.

 

It actually breaks my heart that she is burning her journals and photos in some desperate attempt to prove her love and trustworthiness, while you are on here talking about leaving her anyway.

 

I still have journals and photos. They are a part of me... my exes are a part of me too. That doesn't mean I want them back.

 

I did crazy sexual stuff in my past. That doesn't mean I was hungering for that stuff. I was just figuring out who I was. Trying to be who I thought guys wanted. Stupid and young. That's all that was.

 

And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild", we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us. You are not giving her that environment.

 

Until you learn to get over your paranoia and fear, and trust the woman who is standing in front of you, you will never never have what you want.

 

OP, read this until it gets through grey matter....ptero is a smart lady.

Good luck,

G

[road]

It wears me out just imagining being in your wife's shoes.

 

I've looked up men from my past on FB too. Is it because I still want them, want to reconnect, still enjoy fond memories of them? NO. It's just because I am curious where they are, what they are doing. Nosy. That's it.

 

She looked him up over 2 years ago, and you still can't let it go.

 

You have spied on her, used a keylogger, lived in a state of paranoia, not trusted her.

 

Your roadblock to intimacy has NOTHING to do with her past or what she will or won't do with you sexually. It's your distrust! She can't be vulnerable and submit to you, because it is simply not safe for her to do so. You will assume she is up to something - "A new move!!! Who has she been with!" "Why is she horny all of a sudden!?! Who is she thinking about!!! It's HIM, isn't it?!?!?!"

 

I mean, ffs... what do you expect here?

 

Now it's the journals. You found out that long ago she had FEELINGS! And those FEELINGS are different than the feelings she has now, so many years later! So she must be a liar! A manipulator! She must not love you!

 

Come on.

 

It actually breaks my heart that she is burning her journals and photos in some desperate attempt to prove her love and trustworthiness, while you are on here talking about leaving her anyway.

 

I still have journals and photos. They are a part of me... my exes are a part of me too. That doesn't mean I want them back.

 

I did crazy sexual stuff in my past. That doesn't mean I was hungering for that stuff. I was just figuring out who I was. Trying to be who I thought guys wanted. Stupid and young. That's all that was.

 

And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild", we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us. You are not giving her that environment.

 

Until you learn to get over your paranoia and fear, and trust the woman who is standing in front of you, you will never never have what you want.

 

 

 

 

Though why leave these journals around for a husband to find and then cause problems?

 

 

Is it not better to prevent problems from happening then having to put fires out after?

 

 

As to looking at EX's on FB. I have seen too many affairs start from that. Why play with a match, do you have to get burned before you agree to do so is a bad idea?

 

 

There is a reason why NC is a must with EX's. They are Ex's for a reason so who cares who the married, gives a crap about their career, and that their kid is a chip off of the old block, they are an EX for a reason.

[jh21]

Though why leave these journals around for a husband to find and then cause problems?

 

 

Is it not better to prevent problems from happening then having to put fires out after?

 

 

As to looking at EX's on FB. I have seen too many affairs start from that. Why play with a match, do you have to get burned before you agree to do so is a bad idea?

 

 

There is a reason why NC is a must with EX's. They are Ex's for a reason so who cares who the married, gives a crap about their career, and that their kid is a chip off of the old block, they are an EX for a reason.

 

Exactly. Why even put yourself in a position to create temptation? I don't have facebook and that is one reason. Yet alot of women in here say it's no big deal to creep on Ex's. I think it is a load of crap. I could care less about any of my ex's never-mind what they are doing now.

 

As for the journals...I had a black book back in the day but as soon as I got serious with my ex I got rid if it because nothing good would have come out of it if she found it. And lets get real here, those journals I read weren't just day to day talk. It was basically when and who she was screwing at the time. That's it. Keep that around?? For what? So that when we are long gone and buried my kids can find them in some box and read about what random guy came inside her in the back of a car or the 6 guys she slept with in 5 months and that someone unknown gave her an STD?? Fantastic idea.

[jh21]

It wears me out just imagining being in your wife's shoes.

 

I've looked up men from my past on FB too. Is it because I still want them, want to reconnect, still enjoy fond memories of them? NO. It's just because I am curious where they are, what they are doing. Nosy. That's it.

 

She looked him up over 2 years ago, and you still can't let it go.

 

You have spied on her, used a keylogger, lived in a state of paranoia, not trusted her.

 

Your roadblock to intimacy has NOTHING to do with her past or what she will or won't do with you sexually. It's your distrust! She can't be vulnerable and submit to you, because it is simply not safe for her to do so. You will assume she is up to something - "A new move!!! Who has she been with!" "Why is she horny all of a sudden!?! Who is she thinking about!!! It's HIM, isn't it?!?!?!"

 

I mean, ffs... what do you expect here?

 

Now it's the journals. You found out that long ago she had FEELINGS! And those FEELINGS are different than the feelings she has now, so many years later! So she must be a liar! A manipulator! She must not love you!

 

Come on.

 

It actually breaks my heart that she is burning her journals and photos in some desperate attempt to prove her love and trustworthiness, while you are on here talking about leaving her anyway.

 

I still have journals and photos. They are a part of me... my exes are a part of me too. That doesn't mean I want them back.

 

I did crazy sexual stuff in my past. That doesn't mean I was hungering for that stuff. I was just figuring out who I was. Trying to be who I thought guys wanted. Stupid and young. That's all that was.

 

And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild", we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us. You are not giving her that environment.

 

Until you learn to get over your paranoia and fear, and trust the woman who is standing in front of you, you will never never have what you want.

 

Women who are married need to feel safe, loved and appreciated to be open and wild yet when they are dating some dude for 1 month or picked up some guy in the bar for a ONS they will be 100 times more open/wild or basically more hornier than they will with their husband. Good stuff.

 

As for the rest, it's a load of crap. I told her what had to be said and I'm the bad guy?

 

She lied about having an STD. She lied about ONS and the amount of guys she was with. She left journals around that proved it. She has albums full of pics of all her ex's. I got rid of everything. I have no longing to search, read or look at people who should be long gone.

 

And I wasn't the one to go searching for the person who was almost the reason we aren't together today. The one guy I said there could be no contact with and she still searched him out..and lets get real here.....we were real close to a divorce when she did it and it became 10x worse after she did. Things weren't exactly all roses. So what does she do? Go looking for the guy who I made damn clear that if she did, it would be a deal breaker. But here I am. Sticking it out, trying to make it work and yet it's still on me yet I did absolutely nothing to cause this. F me. No wonder alot of guy say never to get married. It's a lose/lose situation. She pulls all this crap yet Im the bad guy and she is the victim.

 

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Good god.

Edited October 8, 2015 by jh21

[S2B]

You have a grudge against your wife that you are unwilling to get past/over.

 

 

YOU are killing the marriage!!!

 

You!

 

If you won't go to counseling to move forward then the marriage may as well end.

 

All the negativity you keep harping on is just a load of crap.

 

 

You are looking to be mad at her. If it's not this - then it will be something else.

 

Your outlook and attitude is exhausting. Think how she must feel under your microscope...?

 

No one is perfect. She's made errors. I'm sure you've made errors too.

 

 

Give the gal a break and release her from the torture you keep poking her with.

 

 

You expect perfection - you should have married a nun!

[Mrs. John Adams]

if you cannot get past this...you owe it to the both of you to divorce.

 

I am not saying you are right...or wrong. This is a personal call. No one has any right to tell you how you should feel.

 

you can either accept things for what they are...or you can't.

 

If you can...GET HELP

 

If you can't...GET A LAWYER

[m.snow]

I feel for you, Some people are just Liars.

I understand that we cant do anything about that now.

What we can do is grieve for those deceitful moments, probably the only thing we can do.

 

Trust is the foundation of a marriage an that trust was shattered.

but that does not mean, It can be rebuilt upon.

It may not be as sturdy as it once was, hopefully it will suffice.

 

I say things happen in life you cant control.

 

The best you could do is live out your life pursuing happiness

 

Should-a could-a would-a. Its in the past now. Its just time to move forward.

If nothing can be done, then move forward.

 

Pursue what makes you happy, all of this you found out is putting a lot of negative energy on you! rem

 

Its time to let that all go, and Let it be.

 

If you divorce you wife because, coz you no longer trust her. No one is entitled to take that against you.

 

Peace out, live a happy life!

[m.snow]

You have a grudge against your wife that you are unwilling to get past/over.

YOU are killing the marriage!!!

You expect perfection - you should have married a nun!

 

every one has a grudge on something, but a great thing is that if we are married and i do love her, I will hate her of course. but since I truly love her I will get over it. It may take sometime but I will get there!

 

if you cant understand your spouse grieving over stuff like this, now that person doesn't understand love and marriage.

 

 

Your outlook and attitude is exhausting. Think how she must feel under your microscope...?

 

gee wiz its only been a month, already exhausting?

 

dont you think he'd at a phase now?

 

you expecting some in human behavior that you can get over this with one night or a few days. barely been a month?

 

what you expect wake up. and it all will be over.

 

Let the poor guy grieve and just be there to listen, will you

 

Let me tell you it takes time to get over things. Give a year or two this will all be behind.

 

 

 

You expect perfection - you should have married a nun!

 

Its just the luck of the draw.

 

You don't have to be a nun, to be an honest to goodness person.

There are just people who are dishonest and people who are honest.

Edited October 8, 2015 by m.snow

[Mr. Lucky]

Women who are married need to feel safe, loved and appreciated to be open and wild yet when they are dating some dude for 1 month or picked up some guy in the bar for a ONS they will be 100 times more open/wild or basically more hornier than they will with their husband. Good stuff.

 

As for the rest, it's a load of crap. I told her what had to be said and I'm the bad guy?

 

She lied about having an STD. She lied about ONS and the amount of guys she was with. She left journals around that proved it. She has albums full of pics of all her ex's. I got rid of everything. I have no longing to search, read or look at people who should be long gone.

 

And I wasn't the one to go searching for the person who was almost the reason we aren't together today. The one guy I said there could be no contact with and she still searched him out..and lets get real here.....we were real close to a divorce when she did it and it became 10x worse after she did. Things weren't exactly all roses. So what does she do? Go looking for the guy who I made damn clear that if she did, it would be a deal breaker. But here I am. Sticking it out, trying to make it work and yet it's still on me yet I did absolutely nothing to cause this. F me. No wonder alot of guy say never to get married. It's a lose/lose situation. She pulls all this crap yet Im the bad guy and she is the victim.

 

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Good god.

 

Yoda would say the anger is strong with this one. And honestly, doesn't matter if anyone here, me included, feels you have a right to see things this way.

 

What is true is, as crippled with resentment as you currently are, you should talk to your wife about a separation while you evaluate your priorities. You're in no shape to participate in a relationship, especially with someone who's character you clearly feel is deficient. Tell her the truth and take a break to figure things out.

 

Time and distance might give you a perspective you lack now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rejected Rosebud]

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Good god.

You're right. Please please please divorce this terrible strumpet and move on. You don't deserve all the hell she has put you through by having all that wild sex 79 years ago and writing it in journals, hell no!!! Get a nice virgin and stop this craziness please!

[jh21]

You're right. Please please please divorce this terrible strumpet and move on. You don't deserve all the hell she has put you through by having all that wild sex 79 years ago and writing it in journals, hell no!!! Get a nice virgin and stop this craziness please!

 

Yes. Because that is all this is about.

[autumnnight]

What I am hearing is that forgetting she had old journals around, being more wild in her past, and looking at someone's profile picture on Facebook in 2013 is worth tossing your decades of marriage.

 

Honestly, if this is how you feel, the best thing you can do is divorce.

 

This is a woman who will be wearing a "Lesser being scarlet A" for ther rest of her life if you stay.

 

It isn't fair.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Honestly, if this is how you feel, the best thing you can do is divorce.

After all this vitriol I am def getting the feeling that OP is wanting out of his marriage and the only way he can muster up the gumption / justification to do this is to totally trash his wife. :sick: Please man up and just say goodbye and STOP the emotional abuse I am asking you sincerely! It is hurtful to even read this!! I imagine she thought she could trust YOU. :(

[deadelvis]

OMG. we have now reached the point in the thread where women are pleading with him to leave this poor abused woman. and talking about how he makes her wear a "scarlet A" on her sleeve. Yep. You got it all right. SMH...

[autumnnight]

Adultery is horribly wrong. Cheating is horribly wrong. Looking at a picture on facebook of someone you used to date is dumb. Keeping a sexual journal makes no sense to me, and not tossing it once you're married is weird to me.

 

Honest question: If a wife has been faithful for a couple of decades except for one FB glance, and she forgot she had some 20 year old journals...do YOU think that is worth all this?

 

What if she accidentally forgot to throw away her AA big book or DUI tickets?

 

Would that be worth all this?

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[warshaw]

She has albums full of pics of all her ex's. I got rid of everything. I have no longing to search, read or look at people who should be long gone.

 

I've got folders on my computer full of photographs and emails from ex's. Why do I keep them? I dont know, sentimental value, OCD, maybe I like to remember good times in my past life. My live in girlfriend of 4 years has no issue with it, I've given her free access and she's read all or most of those emails and looked at most of the pictures. If she told me to get rid of them, I'd decline- and think she was very controlling to make such a request- just as you are. You say it's wrong to keep those things around- well that's your opinion, and you're entitled to it- but you have no right to make her get rid of them. I'll bet she deeply resents you for making her burn them- and she's got good reason. Regardless of the fact that some therapist suggested she do so.

 

The one guy I said there could be no contact with and she still searched him out..So what does she do? Go looking for the guy who I made damn clear that if she did, it would be a deal breaker.

 

You said there would be no contact. You made it damn clear if she went looking it was a dealbreaker! You sir are a controlling ass. People sometimes get curious about ex's who they have shared part of their lives with. Ive occassionally looked at FB pages of my ex's on a slow day, just "because". I have no interest in meeting with them, talking to them, or having sex with them, but no one, including my significant other has any right to tell me what I can and cannot do.

 

She pulls all this crap yet Im the bad guy and she is the victim.

 

She "pulled all this crap" before you were in an exclusive relationship. 10 yrs ago, and yet you treat it.. you treat HER like it's happening right now. The ONLY thing she did in the past 10 years was try to lookup an ex's FB page.

 

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Yes, you're mean, controlling, paranoid, unreasonable, and very insecure.

 

I could see where even very secure guys would have a bit of an issue with her rather wild past, the constant cheating on boyfriends and perhaps most importantly, the lack of sex in your relationship which needs to be addressed.

 

But your actions, your responses to things that mostly happened relatively long ago.. are way over the top and you are making the situation undescribably worse.

 

You never trusted her, for your entire marriage you've been checking up on her and you'll continue to do so for as long as you're together, there's no therapy or medications that will change your course of action as long as you're in a relationship with this woman.

 

Its only a matter of time before this whole thing crashes and burns, so you might as well start thinking in that direction rather than "how to save it" because you're not capable of what it would take to turn this around, and I think you already know this.

[Rejected Rosebud]

OMG. we have now reached the point in the thread where women are pleading with him to leave this poor abused woman. and talking about how he makes her wear a "scarlet A" on her sleeve. Yep. You got it all right. SMH...

Yes! I'm so happy you GET it!! :bunny:

[pteromom]

This is not always true. For some women it's the opposite. My partner only enjoyed being wild and kinky with ONS's. Boyfriends don't get to see that side of her. The unattached nature of a ONS often brings out the "freaky side" of a woman that her husband will never see. The classic example of this is when the OM gets all the crazy sex acts she's been denying her husband.

 

 

OK...

...And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild" in a long-term relationship, we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us...

 

You are right. Being wild in ONS/FWB situations is completely different, because there is no emotional risk.

[pteromom]

Though why leave these journals around for a husband to find and then cause problems?

 

Not going back to look for where she left them around. If she left them on his pillow or on the front seat of his car, you have a point. If they were put away somewhere and he went digging, that's on him.

 

As to looking at EX's on FB. I have seen too many affairs start from that. Why play with a match, do you have to get burned before you agree to do so is a bad idea?

 

I'm FB friends with lots of exes. Never had an affair. Whether or not someone will have an affair is based on their own character, not on who they do or don't have as friends.

 

There is a reason why NC is a must with EX's. They are Ex's for a reason so who cares who the married, gives a crap about their career, and that their kid is a chip off of the old block, they are an EX for a reason.

 

Disagree. I do care about that stuff. These are guys I shared part of my life with, and I do give a crap.

 

Yes, they are an EX for a reason - and therefore are no threat to my relationship.

[pteromom]

Women who are married need to feel safe, loved and appreciated to be open and wild yet when they are dating some dude for 1 month or picked up some guy in the bar for a ONS they will be 100 times more open/wild or basically more hornier than they will with their husband. Good stuff.

 

As for the rest, it's a load of crap. I told her what had to be said and I'm the bad guy?

 

She lied about having an STD. She lied about ONS and the amount of guys she was with. She left journals around that proved it. She has albums full of pics of all her ex's. I got rid of everything. I have no longing to search, read or look at people who should be long gone.

 

And I wasn't the one to go searching for the person who was almost the reason we aren't together today. The one guy I said there could be no contact with and she still searched him out..and lets get real here.....we were real close to a divorce when she did it and it became 10x worse after she did. Things weren't exactly all roses. So what does she do? Go looking for the guy who I made damn clear that if she did, it would be a deal breaker. But here I am. Sticking it out, trying to make it work and yet it's still on me yet I did absolutely nothing to cause this. F me. No wonder alot of guy say never to get married. It's a lose/lose situation. She pulls all this crap yet Im the bad guy and she is the victim.

 

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Good god.

 

I can only go on what you share. I stand by my post based on what you have shared.

 

You and I think so differently that I don't expect you to get my point of view. It would never in a million years cross my mind to tell my spouse he isn't allowed to look someone up on Facebook. That is so crazy to me, I can't comprehend it. Our spouses are adults, not children to be controlled.

 

It would be very interesting to hear your wife's side of this story.

[Dolfin80]

I can only go on what you share. I stand by my post based on what you have shared.

 

You and I think so differently that I don't expect you to get my point of view. It would never in a million years cross my mind to tell my spouse he isn't allowed to look someone up on Facebook. That is so crazy to me, I can't comprehend it. Our spouses are adults, not children to be controlled.

 

It would be very interesting to hear your wife's side of this story.

 

Me either. I'm friends with my ex's on facebook. I also emailed my ex today to send him a research paper I just published as he wanted a copy. He helped me with the research 3 years ago.

 

The other day both my ex's replied to my status update. They still like to keep in touch from time to time.

Edited October 13, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Got it]

I agree, I am friends with my ex husband on Facebook and we text each other about life. I am completely transparent with my husband and keep him up to date as well, everything is very amicable. And there is zero threat there. I have ZERO interest in anything with my ex. I see him more like a brother than anything romantic. Just zero attraction. At all. Ever. Completely dead and over. Bleck.

 

My husband is connected to exes on his facebook and, obviously due to having kids together, still communicative with his ex wife. Shoot, every time he interacts with me he comes away so much more appreciative of me that I have zero issues there. But in all seriousness, I do not have an issue.

 

I am really not a very jealous person. It takes a lot to get any pangs out of me. And since we share full transparency on all electronics, if either so chose we could see what the other person is doing. Not a big deal.

[deadelvis]

I should point out that there is a difference between "the ex is an ex for a reason" and someone you still have an attraction to.

 

I have people on my facebook (now deactivated) who fit in both categories.

 

There's "Mary" who I dated for many years and remained friends with after the breakup. She married one of my friends (who I introduced her to) a few years back. We keep in touch once in a while. I'm good friends with her husband. There is zero sexual energy between us. We are more like extended family than "former lovers". There is no reason why my GF would be threatened by "Mary".

 

And then there's "Ashley"... Me and Ashley dated for about a month. That was a few years ago. She still flirts with me any chance she gets. She constantly posts sexy pictures on facebook. When we see each other in public she tries to hang all over me and obviously wants more than just a friendship. We are both very attracted to each other. I avoid "Ashley" like the plague and I make a point of always mentioning my GF whenever "Ashley" tries to talk to me. My GF has every reason to be worried about "Ashley", and for that reason I have no contact with her. If "Ashley" was alone with me I have no doubt she would try to kiss me.

 

The point? Being friends with "Mary" is perfectly ok. Being friends with "Ashley" would be a major betrayal of my current partner. Not all ex's are the same.

[jh21]

Well, since it has been a while I thought I would update....

 

My wife got rid of the journals but kept the pages of her grandma. She is going through photo albums and keeping the pics she wants.

 

I have gone to a few counselling sessions and seen a phyciatrist and started taking an SSRI for my depression and anxiety that should have been looked at years ago.

 

Our sex life is great and she is honestly trying. We are good together again.

 

A few things still bother me but I dont know if it is because the SSRI is making the anxiety a bit worse at the start.....I still get bothered by the images of her with other guys which is mine to deal with. But recently that wedding weekeend when we first started is bothering me again. Mainly because since she started going through her photos I remembered she had a pic of her and him (the same one she looked for on facebook) at the wedding in a same album of pics of me and her when we first started dating. Kindof like a timeline. I remember I was going through that album years ago and lost my mind when I saw that pic of her and him. She ended up getting rid of it but now there is just a blank spot in the album where it used to be. She said she thought I was going to break up with her back then about it.

 

I just dont understand why she would have kept that pic. I remember after she told me what happened the monday after that weekend I decided to take a break from her for a week. After that all she could say was how sick she felt during that week and she was at her friends crying....but she kept a picture of the night it happened with him and her??

 

I just dont get it. Im wondering if it is something I should bring up with her ir just let it go. It seems I keep on bringing up that weekend at random times even if things are good with us.