Upset about my wifes past

[Mr1oyalty]

Was i wrong to look at the tape? It was truly an accident.....what if my son did not destroy the tape? what if his wife found the tape years later?...he did not marry the girlfriend.

 

Would he then be responsible to explain every detail of that tape to her? and does she have the right to hold it against him?

 

It was your house so it could have been wrong depending on your rules in your house. At 15 I had a hidden safe with drugs and money in it . Was not my stuff but my dad broke in , I was unaware of his criminal past before I was born at that time . I checked the safe and it was empty, he didn't say anything until a few days past but I knew the rules in that house. Same, you know your relationship and your household.

 

If your son didn't destroy the tape and his wife or daughter found it yes that would be on HIM.

 

The rest will depend on the relationship between him and his wife. Does she have the right to hold what against him? Not the fact that he slept with the woman, but yes she would have the right to hold him responsible for keeping it around if it hurt or her daughter or whoever discovered it and was bothered by it. Because he made the first irresponsible move. Now if it said mark and jane sex tape and the wife looked still she will have added to her own hurt along with his part like the OP. The wife might ask about the woman on the tape or who she was. It depends on their relationship. He would look silly to start crying about privacy in such a case though.

[Horton]

STDs and lying notwithstanding...

 

Yes, let's just gloss right over those little trivialities and get to the heart of the matter here... A husband reading his wife's old journals.

 

Two individuals, even married and "one flesh", are still two individuals, and should be able to pursue individual lives, and yes, have some private thoughts and experiences if they so choose.

 

Nobody said married people can't have their own private thoughts or experiences/hobbies etc.

 

Pretty much any counselor will tell you the same. As long as the secrets and private things aren't destructive to the other person, and an argument can absolutely be made about her lying and hiding the STD thing (assuming she knew the specifics of it and that she still had it, etc, lots of people are clueless about these)...it's healthy.

 

If the things you keep secret from your spouse aren't destructive, then what's the point in keeping them secret? You're gonna keep positive things that your spouse would be perfectly fine with a secret, why would anybody do that? Outside of planning a surprise party, what kind of non destructive secrets would a person keep from their spouse?

 

There's a world of difference between opening sharing of passwords and phones, and intruding into someone's private diaries or journals because they were lying around.

 

If somebody doesn't want their journals that are filled with explicit details of past sexual encounters to be read, it's probably not very prudent to leave them lying around the house.

 

The idea that people cannot have private thoughts and experiences just because they're married and "have to share" is a bit much.

 

Once again, nobody said that.

 

And the suggestion that he has the right to read someone's private thoughts and continue reading them because they were lying around is asinine.

 

He has the right to read anything he pleases when it's in his own home. If you wanna keep secrets, go get a safety deposit box.

 

The more I think about it, while I do feel for him, the more I feel it was incredibly rude and stupid of him to read those journals and to keep reading them once he realized their content.

 

Yes, your empathy for the OP is emanating right through the monitor. With this and other posters words of comfort it feels like one big group hug on here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If i found a love letter from my husband to a girl he dated in high school....and i was upset by it...he owes me no explanation....and the problem is mine to handle.

 

How would this scenario be different if this was your second marriage...and you found out things that your spouse did with the first spouse?

 

When does the past stay the past?

 

What i did before i met my husband...( which is nothing....he was the only boy i dated)....become irrelevant to my relationship with him?

 

Let it go.....there are no answers that will ever take it away....and the only thing that can happen is to allow the past to destroy the future.

 

This woman...did nothing against her husband...NOTHING

 

Her past is not on trial.....and he needs to either let it go...or divorce her.

[autumnnight]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past, hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie, and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

[jh21]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

And I take full responsibility but some of it has to be put on her. Why were they still around? But, knowing my wife, she had no idea they were there and I can truly say she never snuck away to read them.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

I'm not asking her to. I knew about her past before we got married. Well, aside from the STD thing and the number she told me may be a bit low (by 5 or so I think) but that's here nor there. Is there a difference of 15 or 20?

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past

 

Yep. But honestly, it's the details that bother me. Stuff that she did with them, most of that stuff we did as an early couple, and the same stuff we don't really do as much anymore. That said, it's hard to have morning sex when my kids come into bed at 7am. Or hard to get a road BJ when there are kids in the carseats. And honestly, since we have been better in our relationship I am happy with our sex life. It's not what it was but it's 10x better than it was when we were in a rough spot.

 

hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie

 

As for the STD, Ya, I mentioned it and she didn't have much to say other than most sexually active people can get HPV and the warts were treated. She was embarrased and I don't know what else there is to say about the subject.

 

and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

She got rid of one early one a while ago but one more recent one, right up to her breaking up with her BF of 5 years 3 months before we met was still around. She didn't get rid of it until I told her it was bothering me. It still bugs me that she didn't get rid of it all on here own. But again, knowing her, that was the last thing on her mind.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

Done and done but like always, it wasn't really dealt with. Just swept under the rug.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

 

It's a work in progress. Reading alot of your guys responses in her have really helped. I want to thank you all for the feedback.

[Horton]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past, hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie, and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

 

I agree with you(except for the divorce aspect), but I would also add that this ex fling of hers appears to be a huge sore spot for the OP. Now this could be a case of irrational jealousy over an ex as many would no doubt claim, but I don't think that applies here given what we know. When OP was casually dating her she temporarily went back to this ex and even after they were married she got caught searching him out on facebook. Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that she's having an affair(I don't believe she is at all) but I'm genuinely taken aback at so many posters, especially those who spend time on the infidelity sub forum, either having a blind spot to this aspect of his situation or those who just outright dismiss it as if it were irrelevant to why he's frustrated.

 

I believe you said something in another post(and I'm paraphrasing) about how the OP seems to have changed from when he first got here, something about how he went from sounding like he just wanted to move past this to now he sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be upset or suspicious towards her. I think there is truth to that but I don't think it's a case of him being irrationally jealous but rather a case of the OP finally starting to admit to himself just how much her holding on to this ex fling of hers in whatever fashion she can bothers him. I don't believe it's so much the journals, but what the journals represent(just like the search on facebook) it's her apparent refusal to permanently cut this other guy(or any other guys) completely out of her life. If I were walking in the OP's shoes I believe her actions would cause me to wonder if I was her backup plan and maybe that's how he's feeling now. Of course I could be wrong, perhaps I'm reading in between the lines a little too much(I've been guilty of that before), but this is the impression I get from his posts both on this thread and his other one.

 

Personally I don't think there's any cause for a divorce here or allowing this to hurt their marriage any further than it already has, but the best way IMO to handle this is not for the OP to either drop it or get a divorce as people are advising him to do, but rather for the OP to tell his wife in the gentlest way possible to get off her butt and meet him half way. If she can't even be bothered to get rid of some musty old journals for her husbands peace of mind then what message does that send him? As I said before, I'm not even sure that her keeping the journals in the first place was a way of holding on to her past or reliving her sexual passions. Depending on where the journals were kept I could absolutely believe that she just plain forgot about them years ago and that she had no malicious intent by keeping them.

 

Edit: OP revealed his wife has now gotten rid of all the journals so last paragraph deleted due to no longer relevant.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Horton

[jh21]

I agree with you(except for the divorce aspect), but I would also add that this ex fling of hers appears to be a huge sore spot for the OP. Now this could be a case of irrational jealousy over an ex as many would no doubt claim, but I don't think that applies here given what we know. When OP was casually dating her she temporarily went back to this ex and even after they were married she got caught searching him out on facebook. Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that she's having an affair(I don't believe she is at all) but I'm genuinely taken aback at so many posters, especially those who spend time on the infidelity sub forum, either having a blind spot to this aspect of his situation or those who just outright dismiss it as if it were irrelevant to why he's frustrated.

 

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

I believe you said something in another post(and I'm paraphrasing) about how the OP seems to have changed from when he first got here, something about how he went from sounding like he just wanted to move past this to now he sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be upset or suspicious towards her. I think there is truth to that but I don't think it's a case of him being irrationally jealous but rather a case of the OP finally starting to admit to himself just how much her holding on to this ex fling of hers in whatever fashion she can bothers him. I don't believe it's so much the journals, but what the journals represent(just like the search on facebook) it's her apparent refusal to permanently cut this other guy(or any other guys) completely out of her life. If I were walking in the OP's shoes I believe her actions would cause me to wonder if I was her backup plan and maybe that's how he's feeling now. Of course I could be wrong, perhaps I'm reading in between the lines a little too much(I've been guilty of that before), but this is the impression I get from his posts both on this thread and his other one.

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

[road]

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

 

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

 

 

 

 

This should of been your first post.

 

Do you now have all of your questions answered?

 

Do you believe that you were told the whole truth or is your wife holding back info?

 

At this point knowing that all your questions have been answered. Talking about the past will not be of any more help so that needs to end.

 

You and your wife need to take steps to repair the trust that was broken between you two.

 

You need to verify NC is in place as the first step in repairing the trust. Monitor phone and all electronic and internet means of communication.

 

All mementos of the past must be thrown out if that has not been already done so. The past can be recovered from if the right steps are taken.

[CarrieT]

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

Here is a big issue. Does she know you are going through these thoughts?

 

I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more.

You two need to get into counseling ASAP and let her know this.

 

There will be no way for your marriage to continue with you shouldering this resentment. You will grow to HATE your wife and that is not fair to her or your kids as they will see it.

 

If you truly don't love your wife and can't see growing old with her, than start the process of divorce now. For everyone's sake.

[jh21]

This should of been your first post.

 

Maybe so but I did start another thread about the topic. Which lead me to starting this one.

 

Do you now have all of your questions answered?

 

Not really. Honestly, what we did wrong was we never sat down when it happened and hashed things out. We talked about it a little bit but time after time something would trigger me and I would bring it up again asking a new question. I have never really been able to let it go.

 

Do you believe that you were told the whole truth or is your wife holding back info? At this point knowing that all your questions have been answered. Talking about the past will not be of any more help so that needs to end.

 

Sort of. I kind-of forgot about what we talked about 10 years ago. 10 years ago I wanted to know if he was 'better'. Of course she said no. What is she supposed to say. I wanted to know if they used protection. She said yes. I have my doubts. I told here she can NEVER contact him again. And that was the majority of what was said. Once a few years ago I asked her how many times they did it she said twice. I was digging for answers because I couldn't understand how she could have felt so sick about it and yet she did it twice over that weekend. I still don't get it.

 

Then a few months ago after I read those journals, I brought it up again. I asked what the date was and it was June 25th (which I forgot about) which is one day after my birthday which will suck forever now. I asked if he was her date to the wedding and she said No but she knew he was going to be there.

 

I asked her if she stayed at his house and she said she did on Saturday but at Friday was at the hotel with the wedding party crew. All I have now are these mental images of her leaving the wedding with him and going to his house and tearing each others clothes off while I was text messaging her on my F'n birthday. Awesome.

 

She also said that she was going to move there which is something I didn't know.

 

Then I asked her why she felt so sick after the fact. She said because she fell in love with me. But a day after she just screwed this guy? I don't get it. She said she knew she couldn't be with him and that he kept trying to call/text here and finally she called him to end it. I don't know when that was or hong long she kept him on line when we got back together. She said "he needed to get over himself" So Im assuming the conversation didn't go over to well.

 

So anyways, there are lots of questions I still have but you are right. Talking about it makes it worse because then some new nugget of info pops up. 10 years and Im still messed up from this and when she looked him up in 2013 it brought it all back. Again, I always knew she would look for him. 8 years of me spying on her and she finally did it. It hasn't been healthy.

 

You and your wife need to take steps to repair the trust that was broken between you two.

 

You need to verify NC is in place as the first step in repairing the trust. Monitor phone and all electronic and internet means of communication.

 

But this is what I don't want to do. If I am to trust her I can't go spying on her. But by me stopping that, it's like quitting smoking. I would get a thought in my head and check her FB or her phone and there would be nothing so I would be good for a bit. Now I have stopped doing that and it doesn't seem to be helping.

 

All mementos of the past must be thrown out if that has not been already done so. The past can be recovered from if the right steps are taken.

 

The journals are gone and she is working on the photo albums. Although I have this feeling that when she gets to the pics of him when they first met she will stash them away. That's how bad it is in my head.

 

It reminds me once of when we were first dating and just moved in together. She had a photo album of before we met and it continued on to when we got back together. There was a pic of her and him, in her bridesmaid dress, at that wedding right before pics of me and her. I lost my mind. I still have no idea what she was thinking keeping that pic. Still to this day that album is still here but there is a blank spot where that pic used to be.

 

I just think I have had enough and there is nothing that can be said to me anymore. Im sick of worrying about her thinking about him and Im sick of thinking I should have never called her up and got back together after that weekend. I seriously want a do-over. But, I feel sick leaving my kids and becoming a weekend dad. It's a horrible situation to be in being torn back and forth.

[jh21]

Here is a big issue. Does she know you are going through these thoughts?

 

Yes. I have told her I don't trust her especially when she drinks. I have told her what I think if she ever ran into him. There isn't much to be said about that.

 

You two need to get into counseling ASAP and let her know this.

 

I'm not sure it will help because in order for us to move forward, I have to let go of the past. And ever since 2013 I have been slowly getting worse and worse. Reading those journals was the tipping point but it happened right at the same time as I started to work on our marriage.

 

There will be no way for your marriage to continue with you shouldering this resentment. You will grow to HATE your wife and that is not fair to her or your kids as they will see it.

 

I do find myself resenting her not for what she is now but for what she did. I even told her once when I spout things out that I am disappointed sometimes that we got back together or that I didn't leave in 2013 when she looked him up. I said Im disappointed that it hasn't been easier for me for 10 years and 'why me' kind of bit. Or that the past 10 years have been a waste. I said I broke up with my GF who only had 2 partners and there wasn't a shred of doubt with her and kindof compared her to my wife and what I am going through.

 

If you truly don't love your wife and can't see growing old with her, than start the process of divorce now. For everyone's sake.

 

I know. I go back and forth. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. But, I think I don't want to give up our lifestyle or start over again. I am good for a month or so then something happens and I say a bunch of crap I shouldn't say like the stuff above then I feel like an ass for making her feel bad.

[Poutrew]

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

 

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

 

 

 

Now we are getting somewhere. I'd print this entire post out and sit her down tonight and have her read it. You need to let her know how seriously you take his. She needs to absolutely put your mind at rest. Did you let her know just how you got the information about her 'creeping' (what a concept) her old BF? If so, she is probably taking steps to keep the family computer clean. But there is no other computer she could use to continue her search on? Work computers, one at the library, even her cell phone or a friend' s machine? You and her need mc BADLY - because, my friend, it truly sounds as if, after 10 years, you have finally hit your personal brick wall on her shenanigans. Good luck.

[MidwestUSA]

 

 

I do find myself resenting her not for what she is now but for what she did. I even told her once when I spout things out that I am disappointed sometimes that we got back together or that I didn't leave in 2013 when she looked him up. I said Im disappointed that it hasn't been easier for me for 10 years and 'why me' kind of bit. Or that the past 10 years have been a waste. I said I broke up with my GF who only had 2 partners and there wasn't a shred of doubt with her and kindof compared her to my wife and what I am going through.

 

 

So, it's not about the journals at all. You've used it as an opportunity to spout your ten years of building resentment.

 

I can't imagine how your wife feels about being told the last ten years have been a waste. If I were her, I'd be handing the divorce papers to you now. You've actually told her you're sorry that you chose her over the girl you broke up with?!

 

Why did you marry her if you know yourself well enough that you couldn't 'settle' for someone with more than two partners?

 

This was not destined to work. Don't waste another ten years of her life, or yours.

[BlueIris]

I know. I go back and forth. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. But, I think I don't want to give up our lifestyle or start over again. I am good for a month or so then something happens and I say a bunch of crap I shouldn't say like the stuff above then I feel like an ass for making her feel bad.

 

That's not about love, marriage, trust or family. That's about money. So, decide if the money part is important enough to you, especially for your kids' sake.

 

Also, it sounds as though you rip into your wife too much, and did so even before you had this particular reason.

 

Its not easy when you have young kids. Things change. Where do your views about family and whether you want to be a family man fit into this? How do you define family man? How does a family man live and act in your mind?

[Mr1oyalty]

OP, does your present relationship only suck because of your W's past or do you think the past sucks more because the present relationship sucks?

 

I ask because you dont really speak of how presently awesome your wife is other then being a good mother. What does she do in the present that makes you feel secure and what does she do that makes you feel insecure? Is it only her past that causes you to be like this with her while you felt secure in your previous relationship?

 

If there is nothing either of you can do to change your resentment then divorce is all that's left. Was there any way she could have avoided this resentment after being married, or are you just pigeon holing her to the past incidents? Remember you wont be divorcing the woman who is sleeping with all these guys, you will be divorcing the woman in front of you now if she has changed which you sound uncertain of?

 

Don't hold her hostage mentally while you are deciding whether to divorce her, tell her you are resenting her etc, honesty. If you don't want to resent her but you do tell her whatever the truth is.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for posting the whole truth of how you're feeling. It all makes so much more sense now. I agree with telling your W what you wrote in that post. Leave out the divorce stuff though...

 

I don't think that anyone should mention divorce unless they are really, REALLY serious. I mean well up in the 90%s that it's over.

 

The mention of divorce before even mentioning that he was unhappy or had problems with our M devastated me. If you asked me on 31st December if I thought I would grow old & die with my H I wouldn't of hesitated, 100% yes! Since New Years Day...I truly don't know.

 

After giving-up my career, moving to a foreign country to support him. After 25 years & 2 beautiful children. After holding eachother up through terrible funerals & life changing stuff... I had defined myself as his W & a mother. My FAMILY was everything to me.

 

"I'm very unhappy & we need to do a LOT of work on us" is something to be expected at some point in a life long relationship.

 

"I'm thinking about divorcing you!" is a completely new reality. It's a pain, a vulnerability, that changes everything. For me, it caused so much damage to our M. (The fact I read it on my public forum didn't help!)

 

I stopped seeing my H as FAMILY, permanent, unconditional, safe. I started to see him as just a man. A man who can walk out the door & leave me & my kids destitute at any moment.

Problem is, if he's "just a man"... couldn't we have a far better man filling that role? If its NOT about family, forever, it's about 'What do I get from this relationship?'. Whole new way of looking at my life.... I'm not 'safe'. At this time in my life safety & security is very, very important to me & our children.

 

"Divorce" is a horrible, dangerous word to bomb a marriage with. I know it's the ultimate threat. A way of saying 'I'm really serious'. Just think about EVERYTHING you're saying by using that word before you throw it out there.

[jh21]

Thank you for posting the whole truth of how you're feeling. It all makes so much more sense now. I agree with telling your W what you wrote in that post. Leave out the divorce stuff though...

 

I don't think that anyone should mention divorce unless they are really, REALLY serious. I mean well up in the 90%s that it's over.

 

The mention of divorce before even mentioning that he was unhappy or had problems with our M devastated me. If you asked me on 31st December if I thought I would grow old & die with my H I wouldn't of hesitated, 100% yes! Since New Years Day...I truly don't know.

 

After giving-up my career, moving to a foreign country to support him. After 25 years & 2 beautiful children. After holding eachother up through terrible funerals & life changing stuff... I had defined myself as his W & a mother. My FAMILY was everything to me.

 

"I'm very unhappy & we need to do a LOT of work on us" is something to be expected at some point in a life long relationship.

 

"I'm thinking about divorcing you!" is a completely new reality. It's a pain, a vulnerability, that changes everything. For me, it caused so much damage to our M. (The fact I read it on my public forum didn't help!)

 

I stopped seeing my H as FAMILY, permanent, unconditional, safe. I started to see him as just a man. A man who can walk out the door & leave me & my kids destitute at any moment.

Problem is, if he's "just a man"... couldn't we have a far better man filling that role? If its NOT about family, forever, it's about 'What do I get from this relationship?'. Whole new way of looking at my life.... I'm not 'safe'. At this time in my life safety & security is very, very important to me & our children.

 

"Divorce" is a horrible, dangerous word to bomb a marriage with. I know it's the ultimate threat. A way of saying 'I'm really serious'. Just think about EVERYTHING you're saying by using that word before you throw it out there.

 

It has already been mentioned. More than once actually since I caught her searching for that guy back in 2013.

[jh21]

That's not about love, marriage, trust or family. That's about money. So, decide if the money part is important enough to you, especially for your kids' sake.

 

Also, it sounds as though you rip into your wife too much, and did so even before you had this particular reason.

 

Its not easy when you have young kids. Things change. Where do your views about family and whether you want to be a family man fit into this? How do you define family man? How does a family man live and act in your mind?

 

Money? Maybe. But I don't really feel like paying child support. Add to the fact that I got an inheritance from my mom and bought a 50k SUV, put 200k on our house and paid off 45k of loans. So ya. It is about money. I would lose that all and she would go on to get half of it as well as her 2 parents inheritance while I would be stuck in an F'n basement suite because she cant help reminicing about the one damn guy she shouldn't be thinking about.

 

As for family? Well, thats the biggest reason I haven't left. I grew up in a split family. It wasn't fun. I don't want to leave my kids. I'm trying to be a respectable man but half the time I'm depressed and miserable when I think about the things she has done or what I remember reading in those journals. So I don't know if I am doing the right thing by sticking around.

 

Like I said, I wish she wouldn't have pulled all this crap so it would be easier right now.

[Poutrew]

Umm... Maybe the laws are different where you live jh21, but family inheritances are usually off limits in a divorce. As is all monies accrued before you got married. Now, the interest you earn after you are married on the family estate is included in the settlement. So if you can prove you bought your car and paid off your house with estate monies, it should still be yours. Otherwise, you may need to wait a while to divorce - at least until her side dies off and you are eligible for part of her estate as well... as in all things lawful, consult with an inheritance attorney before you do anything rash.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again, I always knew she would look for him. 8 years of me spying on her and she finally did it. It hasn't been healthy.

 

This says it all right here, you were always going to find her guilty of something.

 

It takes a degree of humility to accept a spouse as your partner in life, warts and all. They've made mistakes in the past. They will err today. There will be issues tomorrow. An unhealthy - both for you and your marriage - situation occurs when you focus on one aspect in isolation out of the context both of your own conduct and joint marital history.

 

Were I to look at your situation selfishly, I'd say you're doing yourself the biggest disservice of all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Oh and I did tell her that I read the journals and she was upset. Not really at me for reading them but because she said "now you think your wife is a slut". I lied and told her reading the journals didnt and wont change anything. I asked her to get rid of the journals and we burnt one but she kept one because there is stuff about her grandmother in there but she hasnt got rid of it yet.

 

Part of me thinks she doesnt want to get rid of the one because there is stuff if there about that guy who she had a fling with when we were casually dating which has always been a sore spot for me.

 

She lies - you lie.

 

What are you planning to change in this relationship to bring truth to the table?

 

Lying will not help this. You accuse her of lying yet you lied to her...

 

How can YOU make things different?

[BlueIris]

Money? Maybe. But I don't really feel like paying child support. Add to the fact that I got an inheritance from my mom and bought a 50k SUV, put 200k on our house and paid off 45k of loans. So ya. It is about money. I would lose that all and she would go on to get half of it as well as her 2 parents inheritance while I would be stuck in an F'n basement suite because she cant help reminicing about the one damn guy she shouldn't be thinking about.

 

As for family? Well, thats the biggest reason I haven't left. I grew up in a split family. It wasn't fun. I don't want to leave my kids. I'm trying to be a respectable man but half the time I'm depressed and miserable when I think about the things she has done or what I remember reading in those journals. So I don't know if I am doing the right thing by sticking around.

 

Like I said, I wish she wouldn't have pulled all this crap so it would be easier right now.

 

Start owning your own actions and attitude. That’s what a responsible adult does.

 

You admit that you were spying for years and have picked fights frequently before this even arose. You’re damaging your wife and your children with your attitude and actions.

 

Maybe work through your parents’ divorce in therapy. Is one of your parents a finger-pointing blamer who accepts zero responsibility?

[Mr1oyalty]

Start owning your own actions and attitude. That’s what a responsible adult does.

 

You admit that you were spying for years and have picked fights frequently before this even arose. You’re damaging your wife and your children with your attitude and actions.

 

 

Op if this is true, you are perhaps about to indeed make a catastrophic mistake! Listen, if you been keeping an eye on your wife for cheating in all this time, even just a little eye on her, and all you found are old journals and one facebook search. Either you are the most oblivious husband ever or your wife very, very likely has been faithful to you. It would not matter if she was a "working girl" in the past you don't wanna throw away a good mother and a faithful wife bro. There is an advantage to be had from a woman who has tasted the wild side and knows she does not want it anymore. I would seriously consider that evidence. If she was that same woman she was you would have seen something more concrete.

 

This is what I meant by the past being context, if she was able to go from the person in those journals to a good mother and totally faithful that shows growth. Think about that as there are people with relatively favorable pasts that don't have the ability to grow or change. We don't know all the info but you should count the cost, and I am not talking about the money.

[lolablue17]

YOU have a bigger problem than you think. Your wish to have a wife with a perfect past that suits 100% to your needs, is sympathetic, but very suicidal.

 

You won't find any happyness by leaving your wife. Your wife is 1 of a million to you and you just working very hard to find and extremely increase one flaw, that is not really exist, just to fulfill your sick desire to have it 100% reality tailor maid for you.

 

I can just imagine how would it be if you'd marry a virgin. By now she might have been unsatisfied, knowing only one man in her life, so she could have been searching for other males attention. Who knows? But your wife had her past (that you hates), and only her past taught her to really appreciate the man she'd decided to marry - you!

 

You could have gotten a so many other kinds of wives, that could have supplied you a big pile of real misery. So instead of thanking god that you have a wife that accepts your spying, obsessing, unfair and false accusations, investigations, drama drama drama from her drama king husband, you consider to leave her???!!!! Listen to me - YOU WILL NOT FIND A WOMAN HALF BETTER.

 

Don't think i'm lecturing you. I'm on your side and I want only the best for you. As a man who knows something about obsessions, and the difficulty to let go - Go and get some help - not with your wife. Alone! You are the problem... She is the cure for you, for your misery, and the therapy will help you to keep her, because she might leave you... Beware...

Edited October 5, 2015 by lolablue17

[pteromom]

It wears me out just imagining being in your wife's shoes.

 

I've looked up men from my past on FB too. Is it because I still want them, want to reconnect, still enjoy fond memories of them? NO. It's just because I am curious where they are, what they are doing. Nosy. That's it.

 

She looked him up over 2 years ago, and you still can't let it go.

 

You have spied on her, used a keylogger, lived in a state of paranoia, not trusted her.

 

Your roadblock to intimacy has NOTHING to do with her past or what she will or won't do with you sexually. It's your distrust! She can't be vulnerable and submit to you, because it is simply not safe for her to do so. You will assume she is up to something - "A new move!!! Who has she been with!" "Why is she horny all of a sudden!?! Who is she thinking about!!! It's HIM, isn't it?!?!?!"

 

I mean, ffs... what do you expect here?

 

Now it's the journals. You found out that long ago she had FEELINGS! And those FEELINGS are different than the feelings she has now, so many years later! So she must be a liar! A manipulator! She must not love you!

 

Come on.

 

It actually breaks my heart that she is burning her journals and photos in some desperate attempt to prove her love and trustworthiness, while you are on here talking about leaving her anyway.

 

I still have journals and photos. They are a part of me... my exes are a part of me too. That doesn't mean I want them back.

 

I did crazy sexual stuff in my past. That doesn't mean I was hungering for that stuff. I was just figuring out who I was. Trying to be who I thought guys wanted. Stupid and young. That's all that was.

 

And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild", we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us. You are not giving her that environment.

 

Until you learn to get over your paranoia and fear, and trust the woman who is standing in front of you, you will never never have what you want.