Upset about my wifes past

[blackcat777]

When I think about not thinking about someone's number, I think that nothing else before the present mattered... my number or someone else's number... because everything else was a failure. She didn't make a decision to be with any other guy--she made a decision to be with you.

 

And all those other experiences aided in her making a more informed decision about being with you.

 

That's my perspective on why past lovers don't matter...

[Horton]

The fact she was hiding it could well mean she was trying to change or did view him differently and better.

 

I disagree, somebody that hides their past is not behaving nobly. It's manipulating another person in order to get the outcome that they desire. It bears a strong resemblance to the mentality a cheater has when they try to convince themselves that they're keeping an affair that occurred in the past a secret as an act of love and mercy toward their spouse. They can tell themselves that they're being a martyr all they want, but deep down inside they know they're doing it for selfish reasons.

[autumnnight]

I disagree, somebody that hides their past is not behaving nobly. It's manipulating another person in order to get the outcome that they desire. It bears a strong resemblance to the mentality a cheater has when they try to convince themselves that they're keeping an affair that occurred in the past a secret as an act of love and mercy toward their spouse. They can tell themselves that they're being a martyr all they want, but deep down inside they know they're doing it for selfish reasons.

 

Secrets do tend to eat at us, whether it is stealing or cheating, hidden addictions, illegal activity, the true origin of a marriage, a checkered past.

 

The younger her probably WAS ashamed of her mistakes. I am sure the older her cannot believe those journals were still around, and she is likely very embarrassed.

 

However, I think it is a stretch to say this woman we have never met is leading some terrible, sneaky, cheating double life based on things that she did 20 years ago.

[SSJROMANCE]

Let's just say I disagree. Her past is HER past, doesn't belong to you, either under interrogation or in written form.

 

Why would I ask my wife how many partners she's had and why would I care? I'm marrying her, not the 5 years ago her or the 10 years ago version and I'm going to assume the sum of her life experiences, both good and bad, have made her the person she is today. And it's a win/win - don't have to assign blame but get to reap benefits...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He doesn't have the right? If she doesn't want to give that information up then she is free to plea the 5th. Then it would be HIS right to decide what he wants to do with that. But for her to LIE about her past is totally unacceptable, disrespectful and irresponsible.

 

Just because you don't care if your future wife was a used and abused hooker the last 10 years that's had 5000 customers (5001 including you) known for her gang bangers who because she contracted herpies syphilis gonorrhea and HIV had to have her vagina removed who is a major crack and meth head who lied to you about it all and then some - all so you would say "I do" doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't care. The benefit you reap is what? That she loves you? That's great man - brings tears to my eyes.

Edited September 22, 2015 by SSJROMANCE

[Horton]

Secrets do tend to eat at us, whether it is stealing or cheating, hidden addictions, illegal activity, the true origin of a marriage, a checkered past.

 

The younger her probably WAS ashamed of her mistakes. I am sure the older her cannot believe those journals were still around, and she is likely very embarrassed.

 

However, I think it is a stretch to say this woman we have never met is leading some terrible, sneaky, cheating double life based on things that she did 20 years ago.

 

From the OP's first post.

 

She goes on to say she was upset with herself and so on and then it goes on to say how she got genital warts and HPV from one of the hookups. I specifically asked her when we started dating if she ever had any STDs and she said no. I have no idea if I should even mention anything to her now about me knowing.

 

The STD thing and her cheating on all her BF's are bothering me. As well as details from about 6 years on with a guy. The guy who she had a fling with for a weekend when we were casually dating and it almost ruined us. Those details about her with him are not fun to read either.

 

I don't think it's an absolute that there's more to this, but it's certainly not a stretch to advise the OP to go Sherlock Holmes on her given what he now knows. She has a confirmed history of lying and cheating, which she hid from him(another act of lying in and of itself.) How is that not concerning?

[SSJROMANCE]

From the OP's first post.

 

 

 

I don't think it's an absolute that there's more to this, but it's certainly not a stretch to advise the OP to go Sherlock Holmes on her given what he now knows. She has a confirmed history of lying and cheating, which she hid from him(another act of lying in and of itself.) How is that not concerning?

 

But according to him he said she told him the truth, therefore, even though I also thought the "cheating" on the boyfriends was something he found out from the journals he seemed to validate that she already told him about that. And if so that's fine. If that's NOT true then yes I agree and also suggested that he look into her past behavior during the marriage because if you have a habit of cheating during dating relationships why would that be different during marriage?

[autumnnight]

I just think sometimes we have to consider the source. If a man goes into the ER with stomach cramps and head pain, the neurologist is going to say brain tumor, the surgeon is going to say appendix, and the general practitioner will probably do a meningitis test.

[SSJROMANCE]

I just think sometimes we have to consider the source. If a man goes into the ER with stomach cramps and head pain, the neurologist is going to say brain tumor, the surgeon is going to say appendix, and the general practitioner will probably do a meningitis test.

 

Definitely dehydration and heatstroke...

[Mr. Lucky]

Just because you don't care if your future wife was a used and abused hooker the last 10 years that's had 5000 customers (5001 including you) known for her gang bangers who because she contracted herpies syphilis gonorrhea and HIV had to have her vagina removed who is a major crack and meth head who lied to you about it all and then some - all so you would say "I do" doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't care. The benefit you reap is what? That she loves you? That's great man - brings tears to my eyes.

 

Interesting view of the world in general and potential partners in particular. Maybe I have faith in my ability to separate the wheat from the chaff.

 

I just cant seem to get over these details. I knew about how many guys she was with.

....about 17 (same number as me) and we met when she was 29. Those numbers dont include all the guys she just fooled around with either....

Im at a loss of what to do. I dont know how I can deal with this much detail.

 

This OP, for his own reasons, wants to looks back 18 years and find wanting a spouse with a sexual history admittedly similar to his own.

 

I don't think the answer lies in the past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

Definitely dehydration and heatstroke...

 

Are you saying I'm fat????

 

OP, it sounds like you have a balanced understanding of this and recognize what is important while understanding that what you read is going to take awhile to get out of your system.

[Horton]

Let me see if I have the facts as the OP has given correct. If I'm wrong please correct them.

 

 

1. OP's wife has a history of cheating in her previous relationships.

 

2. She had a fling with another man when the OP was (casually)dating her.

 

3. She lied about never having any STD's to the OP.

 

4. She lied to the OP about the amount of ONS's she had.

 

5. She searched for her former fling on Facebook since they've been married.

 

 

Knowing all of this, how is it irrational to advise the OP to keep his eyes open and maybe even do a little more digging if he thinks there might me more. That doesn't mean that she's absolutely hiding other things from him, just that it's not the absurd proposition some are painting it as given her past behavior.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, this whole burying your head in the sand philosophy many people are espousing is helping me to understand how so many affairs go undiscovered for years. When a person can see so many glaring red flags and still actively try to discourage somebody to take off the rose colored glasses(even if just temporarily) to see if there are any other mines in their path is very strange IMO.

[autumnnight]

Let me see if I have the facts as the OP has given correct. If I'm wrong please correct them.

 

 

1. OP's wife has a history of cheating in her previous relationships.

 

2. She had a fling with another man when the OP was (casually)dating her.

 

3. She lied about never having any STD's to the OP.

 

4. She lied to the OP about the amount of ONS's she had.

 

5. She searched for her former fling on Facebook since they've been married.

 

 

Knowing all of this, how is it irrational to advise the OP to keep his eyes open and maybe even do a little more digging if he thinks there might me more. That doesn't mean that she's absolutely hiding other things from him, just that it's not the absurd proposition some are painting it as given her past behavior.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, this whole burying your head in the sand philosophy many people are espousing is helping me to understand how so many affairs go undiscovered for years. When a person can see so many glaring red flags and still actively try to discourage somebody to take off the rose colored glasses(even if just temporarily) to see if there are any other mines in their path is very strange IMO.

 

I must have missed some of this. I read that she had quite a few partners before she was married, which he knew about. She had an STD, which he did not know about. She cheated on men she was not married to (which According to one marriage guru is no biggie cause you're a free agent till the wedding;) ).

 

I'm not encouraging burying heads in the sand (though the extreme either/or arguments do tend to be popular on forums). I am just suggesting that he balance what he read about concerning her life 20 years ago with the woman she has been during their marriage.

 

And...I don;t see an affair under every doily...thank God.

[SSJROMANCE]

Let me see if I have the facts as the OP has given correct. If I'm wrong please correct them.

 

 

1. OP's wife has a history of cheating in her previous relationships.

 

2. She had a fling with another man when the OP was (casually)dating her.

 

3. She lied about never having any STD's to the OP.

 

4. She lied to the OP about the amount of ONS's she had.

 

5. She searched for her former fling on Facebook since they've been married.

 

 

Knowing all of this, how is it irrational to advise the OP to keep his eyes open and maybe even do a little more digging if he thinks there might me more. That doesn't mean that she's absolutely hiding other things from him, just that it's not the absurd proposition some are painting it as given her past behavior.

 

On a slightly unrelated note, this whole burying your head in the sand philosophy many people are espousing is helping me to understand how so many affairs go undiscovered for years. When a person can see so many glaring red flags and still actively try to discourage somebody to take off the rose colored glasses(even if just temporarily) to see if there are any other mines in their path is very strange IMO.

 

 

Because the past is the past. Doesn't matter if she had a one night stand last night. The past is the past. In fact everything you do the very next 1 millionth of a second is the past so you should let it go. You should let ALL things go. Forgive and forget! AMEN!!!

 

Of course I couldn't disagree more but I figured I'd piss off a lot of people out here by getting to their warped opinions first…

[Horton]

She cheated on men she was not married to (which According to one marriage guru is no biggie cause you're a free agent till the wedding;) ).

 

What guru is that?

 

And...I don;t see an affair under every doily...thank God.

 

Nor do I, but the amount of women I see on threads like these that not only see a woman lying about her past to her mate as understandable or even acceptable has certainly helped open my eyes.

 

At least with the radical feminist crowd a man knows what he's getting, what with their 'slutwalks' and giant paper mache vagina 'art'. No false adverting there, turns out it's generally the average girl next door types that present a facade to the world.

[autumnnight]

Nor do I, but the amount of women I see on threads like these that not only see a woman lying about her past to her mate as understandable or even acceptable has certainly helped open my eyes.

 

At least with the radical feminist crowd a man knows what he's getting, what with their 'slutwalks' and giant paper mache vagina 'art'. No false adverting there, turns out it's generally the average girl next door types that present a facade to the world.

 

I do not think lying to your mate is acceptable. Anyone who thinks I said that is using that typical all or nothing forum tactic where if I do not agree on everything then I am wrong about everything. There are other places where they are experts at that. Nor do I believe that stupid, infantile, if it happened last second it doesn't matter drivel.

 

I'm not a feminist. I just think most things are not as simple as some would like to make them. As in: Susie had 14 partners instead of just 11 that she said when we were dating, so after 25 years of a great marriage, I'm done! That is just stupid.

 

And yes, there is a place where if an unmarried person says their boyfriend or live in partner of X years slept with someone else, they get told dating is for trying people out, her boyfriend was a free agent, it isn't cheating, and she shouldn't have lived with him to begin with.

 

So if cheating WHILE dating is no biggie....then cheating on someone ELSE 20 years ago shouldn't be a problem either, correct?

 

Lying is wrong. A 20 year old lie, IMO, should be examined, talked about, dealt with, and weighed in light of 20 faithful years.

[TexasMan68]

Well now you know why she is so damn good in bed sport, she slept with the whole team not just half. Lesson learned don't ever read your wife's journals unless she asks you to. Why in the world she would keep them is another question.

[Dolfin80]

 

Just because you don't care if your future wife was a used and abused hooker the last 10 years that's had 5000 customers (5001 including you) known for her gang bangers who because she contracted herpies syphilis gonorrhea and HIV had to have her vagina removed who is a major crack and meth head who lied to you about it all and then some - all so you would say "I do" doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't care. The benefit you reap is what? That she loves you? That's great man - brings tears to my eyes.

 

Sounds like a loving man to me. People with HIV deserve love too you know.

[Horton]

I do not think lying to your mate is acceptable. Anyone who thinks I said that is using that typical all or nothing forum tactic where if I do not agree on everything then I am wrong about everything. There are other places where they are experts at that. Nor do I believe that stupid, infantile, if it happened last second it doesn't matter drivel.

 

I wasn't really thinking about you when I said that, just the general tone of female posters whenever this subject comes up.

 

And yes, there is a place where if an unmarried person says their boyfriend or live in partner of X years slept with someone else, they get told dating is for trying people out, her boyfriend was a free agent, it isn't cheating, and she shouldn't have lived with him to begin with.

 

So if cheating WHILE dating is no biggie....then cheating on someone ELSE 20 years ago shouldn't be a problem either, correct?

 

I've no idea what you're referring to here, I assume a relationship forum. Could you specify what/where you're talking about? I don't believe Christians should have relations outside of marriage ever(since I believe in the bible) but I do think that somebody whose not married and is cheating on their partner is behaving in a way that is deceptive and cruel. I also think that when somebody has a history of cheating on their previous BFs/GFs that they're a higher risk for cheating in a marriage as that type of behavior is addictive and habit forming and it doesn't necessarily just get flushed down the toilet due to getting married.

 

Lying is wrong. A 20 year old lie, IMO, should be examined, talked about, dealt with, and weighed in light of 20 faithful years.

 

I agree, but I would also advise the person to investigate further if the 20 yr old lie was about something as important as STD's or the amount of sexual partners they had before the marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well now you know why she is so damn good in bed sport, she slept with the whole team not just half. Lesson learned don't ever read your wife's journals unless she asks you to. Why in the world she would keep them is another question.

 

Funny how guys want their women to be good in bed but bring no baggage or history to the table.

 

Given the ninja-like expertise my now wife/then GF brought to...um...certain sexual acts, I had a sneaky suspicion it wasn't the first time she'd done it. Whatever practice she'd had, I've been happy to enjoy the performance benefits for the last 25 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Lying is wrong. A 20 year old lie, IMO, should be examined, talked about, dealt with, and weighed in light of 20 faithful years.

 

There can be some lies that 20 good years will not be good enough to offset.

[road]

Funny how guys want their women to be good in bed but bring no baggage or history to the table.

 

Given the ninja-like expertise my now wife/then GF brought to...um...certain sexual acts, I had a sneaky suspicion it wasn't the first time she'd done it. Whatever practice she'd had, I've been happy to enjoy the performance benefits for the last 25 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Well your wife could of been a natural or did half the town, only half because she was not bi, or experienced anywhere in between.

 

 

The point is she did not cheat on you while dating. And, she did not lie to you about her past.

 

 

So as any sane man you enjoyed her and rightfully did not dig into her past.

[autumnnight]

There can be some lies that 20 good years will not be good enough to offset.

 

Then you know what? Divorce

[autumnnight]

Well your wife could of been a natural or did half the town, only half because she was not bi, or experienced anywhere in between.

 

 

The point is she did not cheat on you while dating. And, she did not lie to you about her past.

 

 

So as any sane man you enjoyed her and rightfully did not dig into her past.

 

The OP's wife didn't cheat while they were dating either

[jh21]

The OP's wife didn't cheat while they were dating either

 

No she didn't. I asked her if she has been faithful since we have been an exclusive couple 10 years ago and she said yes. All I can do is trust her right?

[Mr. Lucky]

The point is she did not cheat on you while dating.

 

As has been noted, in the OP's case (or in mine) didn't happen.

 

And, she did not lie to you about her past.

 

Don't know, don't care and would neither question her nor invade her privacy by reading her 20-year old journals to find out. Has nothing to do with our relationship or who she is today...

 

Mr. Lucky