My son knows about my infidelity

[jen1447]

None of us know (and I never claimed) that alienation of affeaction is actually occurring - probably even the OP doesn't know for sure, as no one's there when the dad and son have conversations except the dad and son. But, one parent whispering in the child's ear in order to sabotage the other parent isn't at all uncommon unfortunately.

 

Here's a hypothetical of how that can (and has) played out: 11 year old child, easily manipulated emotionally and intellectually, is essentially brainwashed over time by one parent to harbor a hatred of the other parent. Child grows to an adult, and as an adult, as well as during the child's formative years, they go thru life hating the parent and being deeply resentful of perceived crimes against them and the family unit. This hatred is most likely unwarranted, but it serves the purposes of the antagonist parent well. (If anyone doubts the possibility, understand that there are very few ppl in the world who can potentially hate each other and injure each other as much as divorced spouses.) The antagonist parent gets the satisfaction of having thoroughly alienated the child from the other parent, at both the other parent's expense (loss of a relationship with their child) and ultimately the child's expense (loss of a relationship with their other parent). The child is objectively and conclusively harmed in this scenario.

 

There are obvs other mitigating factors, but very few offenses are truly deserving of the wholesale dissolution of a relationship between a parent and a child.

 

So looking at OP's case, we have a scenario where a parent surreptitiously revealed very potentially damaging info about the other parent to the child and allowed it to fester before informing the other parent. Without declaring that an overt act of sabotage, it at least reaches the level of concern re: alienation of affection. Given that, it's entirely appropriate to advise OP to explore her rights for redress on the matter and suggest she speak to her attorney. In fact, it would almost be negligent not to.

[RightThere]

That child has every right to know who put his future in jeopardy. Under no circumstances should the husband be forced to lie to his child. Under no circumstances should he be forced to take the blame for the divorce.

 

I think it's just odd that all of sudden you are so concerned about your child's welfare, but obviously didn't care during your affair.

 

It's time to man up and take responsibility for your actions. Everyone has right to know the truth about their own life. Everyone has a right to choose to tell the truth. Lying to the child would have been much more detrimental to him anyway.

 

Quit acting like the affair wasn't harmful to your child. You knew it was and chose to do it anyway. Now it's time to pay the piper. It's funny that telling him is bad, but having the affair wasn't. There's just no logic to any of this.

 

I hate to stand up for a WS, but you are seriously just making things up left and right here.

 

You need to actually read the OPs posts before assuming what was actually going on and being said.

[minimariah]

OP seems to be way more on top of this situation than you are.

 

this was my advice --

 

OP - call your H & tell him that you'll sue if this repeats even once again.

 

this is actually a good advice. it doesn't mean that she should start the WW3 (and the fact that many translated my advice that way speaks volumes) - it means she should let her STBXH know how bad of a mistake this was. let him know how serious it is. i never once said that she should take it to the court over this incident, i said she should do it if something like this repeats again.

 

telling her that she should watch out for both her and her kid isn't over the top - but some of you seem to live in a LaLaLand where nothing bad ever happens so i guess you don't need to think about the worst scenarios at all.

[Sastrugi]

 

So looking at OP's case, we have a scenario where a parent surreptitiously revealed very potentially damaging info about the other parent to the child and allowed it to fester before informing the other parent. Without declaring that an overt act of sabotage, it at least reaches the level of concern re: alienation of affection. Given that, it's entirely appropriate to advise OP to explore her rights for redress on the matter and suggest she speak to her attorney. In fact, it would almost be negligent not to.

 

Ok Jen, I will bite... How should the child be told the truth and would it really be any less damaging?

[minimariah]

Ok Jen, I will bite... How should the child be told the truth and would it really be any less damaging?

 

yes (& i'm, unlike most here, speaking from experience) - the kid should be told by the WS herself OR both parents present.

 

i'm honestly too shocked for words over people playing plain stupid over this situation. you're REALLY gonna tell me that you can't think of a better way to tell the kid the truth than what the OP's STBXH did? REALLY?!

[HereNorThere]

I hate to stand up for a WS, but you are seriously just making things up left and right here.

 

You need to actually read the OPs posts before assuming what was actually going on and being said.

 

Please, do elaborate.

 

I've read all of OP's posts and her husband was directly asked why he left by the child. At that point, he had a choice to tell the truth or lie. It's just odd to me that so many people here are advocating that the husband lie to the child. He's 11 and it wouldn't be long until he figured it himself anyway. That would have hurt the husband's trust and relationship with the child.

 

So now you can sue someone for telling their child the truth? I can't believe anyone on here is even advocating that. By all accounts, the husband seems like an awesome Dad and we should support the child having at least one stable parent.

 

As a child who was lied to about being adopted and discovered first hand on their own, I can personally say that being lied to or even being lied to by omission by your parents is much more psychologically damaging than any truth could ever be.

[HereNorThere]

yes (& i'm, unlike most here, speaking from experience) - the kid should be told by the WS herself OR both parents present.

 

i'm honestly too shocked for words over people playing plain stupid over this situation. you're REALLY gonna tell me that you can't think of a better way to tell the kid the truth than what the OP's STBXH did? REALLY?!

 

I'm very interested in why this would be less psychologically damaging to the child?

 

In my opinion, the husband and child were both equally wronged and deserve to have each other for support. OP is not in the same position as her husband, so it seems unfair that she should receive the same amount of sympathy.

 

She purposely put her relationship with the child in jeopardy when she broke up his family. He may be a child, but he also has rights as a human.

[minimariah]

I've read all of OP's posts and her husband was directly asked why he left by the child. At that point, he had a choice to tell the truth or lie.

 

WRONG. you folks keep repeating this as if it's actually true.

 

he had a choice to postpone the conversation & tell his kid this --

 

"hey buddy, that's a hard convo... can you maybe wait until tomorrow so both me and mom can talk about it with you? we will answer any questions you have, okay?"

 

he had a choice to tell his kid that they will have that convo with the mother & that he didn't cheat without revealing about the mother's affair UNTIL the decision is made WITH THE MOTHER & then told the kid TOGETHER.

 

dude tells his son that his mom had an affair, fails to notice the emotional distress of his own kid, fails to think about the damage that the fact will cause to his kid and his relationship with the mother, fails to tell the kid's mother about it and that's an awesome dad to you?

 

i'm truly amazed.

[dental]

The amount of nonsense I'm reading here keeps piling up. Everybody has an answer, an agenda and an opinion on a situation, that nobody actually witnessed accept OP, her son and STBXH. Also, a division seems to emerge between the ladies and the gentlemen responding. The situation is actually quite simple. There was a system, a status quo between 3 people. One person (OP) did something 8 years ago that blew up the system. The situation now is the new system. Not a particularly pleasant one I must say. Betrayal takes time to heal. There is a lot that needs repairing, I hope that the people involved choose wisely.

[sandylee1]

What I don't get here, is that so many expect the BH to be clearly thinking and have all the answers prepared for his son. He didn't know he would be asked those questions at that time.

 

If people can say that a WS was vulnerable /broken /not in their right mind and never the kind of person to cheat. ....why is it unfathomable to believe the BH may not have been thinking 100% clearly when he said this.

 

I've had BS'S get angry because the WS told the kids about the affair and they didn't want them to know. Even counsellors will give different advice on who should tell the kids .....There are no absolutes, but he should have told the OP that he'd told their son.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. In hindsight the BH wouldn't have done what he did.

 

With the same hindsight, RT wouldn't have had the A. We can't go back in time.

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bigman1]

That comment is harsh, but it does carry some truth. Remorseful can not expected to be shielded from the natural and probable consequences of her actions. Her actions did ultimately end up destroying the family. That is not to say that it is the husband and son vs her. To the extent that anything implies that it is her vs them then that is wrong.

 

There seems to be this strong undercurrent that telling the truth is wrong because the truth is painful to remorseful. Unfortunately, there is no good way to give bad information. The bottom line is they are getting divorced because she cheated and the husband can't get over it. That in no way would justify a Parental Alienation claim. If however the father started explaining how he waited for her during that year or how heartbroken he was because of what she did then he would be trying to get the child to pick sides. That would be wrong. The simple concept that mom cheated and the relationship is going to end now because of that is about as benign as one can get.

 

In the end, you can't ignore the elephant in the room. And trying to tell the child don't look in the direction of the elephant because your only 11 is ridiculous. The elephant in the room is mom cheated. I think that was correct to tell the child. It was however inconsiderate and ignorant not tell remorseful. Anybody with any common sense would know that kind of information was going to have some fallout when the boy got back home. Her husband was undeniably wrong for not giving her the heads up. If the boy had questions for him why in the world would he not think that the boy might have some follow-up questions, comments, or behavior towards remorseful?

[salparadise]

That child has every right to know who put his future in jeopardy.

 

I don't think I've ever disagreed with anything more vehemently. What the child has a right to is two parents who love him enough to put his welfare ahead of their own selfish interests and protect his relationship with the other parent... not carelessly destroy his childhood by using him as a pawn to exact retribution against the other parent.

 

The father doesn't need to lie or take the blame, he should've just said that they're divorcing because they don't get along and don't love each other as a husband and wife need to. Then they support each other and never have a bad word to say about the other... that's how grownup with integrity do it. The child should not be a party to any of it.

 

OP, you should be aware of the phenomena known as Parental Alienation Syndrome. Buy the books by Amy Baker. I haven't read the one in the link but I did read her first book and she is excellent- perhaps the most prominent authority on the subject.

 

My brother is a victim of PAS and he lost his children completely. It nearly destroyed him. It has been ten years and the boys are all grown and he still has no relationship with them. And he was a good, loving father. Those boys got cheated out of their father as much as he got cheated out of his boys.

 

Do not be even a little bit passive about your time with your son. Prepare to have it enforced by taking a deputy to pick up the child if necessary. That's where my brother made his mistake- he allowed her to gain a foothold by trying to be nice and avoiding confrontation.

[understand50]

All,

 

Can we get back to what Remorseful posted originally about? Her SBEX, told their son about infidelity, as the only reason for the break up of this boys home. He is mad at his mother, and she is feel low about this happening, and wondering how she can regain some trust from her 11 year son.

 

As a father of 6 and grandfather of 5, all I could tell her is to as honest as she feels she can be with him, and let him know that she be more when she gets older, and hope for the best. As a child of divorce, at the same age as Remorseful Tab's son, I remember just hoping the mom and dad would get along. I hope against hope that they would get back together, did not happen, and I remember being very mad at my dad. My advise to remorseful is to hang in there, be the best mom you can, and always let him know you love him.

 

As for her SBEX, going into this at this time, I suggested that she consult her lawyer and decide, if anything should be or could be done. Remorseful Tab, has already told us that she is going to keep this as amicable as possible, and good for her. She is a better person then me. As the court is involved, I always believe that you should let your lawyer know what is going on. They are only as good as the information given them I admit, I would have gone ballistic, if it had been me. (Hurt my kids, and life will get very difficult for you)

 

So, to us all on Love Shack:

 

What advise for Remorseful Tab to help her with her son?

 

What advise for Remorseful Tab for working with her SBEX on co-parenting?

 

I do not think it is helpful for Remorseful, to keep hitting her with her past. She has asked for help with the here and now. What do we have for her?

 

My 2 cents.

[ch72]

IMHO, when the son asked if the he was cheating and that's why he left, OP's husband got blindsided and might have thought OP had told the son something to that effect to make him ask such a question. Now, why would a child all of a sudden and out of the blue just ask, daddy did you cheat and leave but not ask the mom the same question? Oh wait, forgot, only men cheat and leave that's why....

 

Both OP and her husband have worked out a child custody schedule, assets are divided equitably and she's getting what she wants in terms of alimony and child support. Let's work up OP and start WW3 and pay attorneys thousands, upon thousands of dollars over something that can be worked out between OP, her husband and the child.

 

The husband HAS agreed to counseling for the child also. He didn't shoot OP down and say HELL NO, he's not going to see a shrink. That sounds like a father who does care about his child's well being IMO. If he wanted to sling mud, he could have done it way before this.

 

MM, you seem to have literally gone 100% hate OPs husband and he's the devil reincarnate.

 

BTW, is an awesome mom, someone who cheats on her husband (who OP said was a great father and husband)? So, she's allowed a pass because she spent 8 years and got jerked around by some a-hole guy who just up and left after trying for 8 years to make it up to him? I don't recall a contract or law stating that he had to stay for the rest of his life.

 

OP, you made a mistake, you owned up to it. You paid for it eventually, some do and some don't. Looks like you've learned alot and made a better person out of yourself, not many do. If you want to start WW3 with your husband over this issue, get ready to spend major $$$$$$ that IMO would be better spent on your son. If you think everything in the divorce is equitable and fair, go through with it as quickly as possible.

 

When you goto counseling I would ask the counselor if you both could sit in on the 1st session to clear the air between all 3 of you. He might stay angry at you but in the end, you're still his mother no matter what. As long as you love him, even if he stays angry, that's the best we can do for our kids. Love them and try to show them the right thing to do and not make our mistakes in life.

 

I know your pain OP, I cheated on my wife but luckily she's still with me to this day. I live with the fear everyday that one day she'll finally wake up and say WTF, I'm out and it's been 18 years since my affair.

 

BTW, I've heard stories of couples divorcing and eventually finding their way back to each other. I truly hope that happens with you OP. Sometimes when you both get lost, you eventually find your way back out and hopefully you both find the same path back out. GL to you OP whatever life may bring.

[truncated]

the approach my parents had is the only right and normal & mature one. & yeah, it works for everyone.

 

sit down, know what you're going to say, make sure the kid doesn't feel guilty, make sure that the both of you are just humans and make sure that there is no bad blood. make sure that the kid knows how both parents love him and will always be there for him and respect each other.

 

like... is it REALLY that hard? REALLY?

 

You are assuming that kids are stupid and won;t figure it out for themselves.

 

While the OP's husband may not have handled things all that well, he likely did the best he could. it's even quite possible that the son already knew about the affair and was seeking confirmation.

 

OP, what's done is done, and the counseling sounds like a good idea. Having both of you involved in selecting the counselor will show your son that you and your es husband can still work as a team for his best interests, and that may well go a long way towards helping him heal.

 

If you two can keep working together, you can make the best out of a bad situation.

[HereNorThere]

I don't think I've ever disagreed with anything more vehemently. What the child has a right to is two parents who love him enough to put his welfare ahead of their own selfish interests and protect his relationship with the other parent... not carelessly destroy his childhood by using him as a pawn to exact retribution against the other parent.

 

 

I would totally agree with this statement if it were true. The truth is that ONE parent DIDN'T have the child's best interest at heart. You may not believe the child has right to know, but I do. Mostly because he would have found out anyway.

 

We disagree and that's okay. In my opinion, the truth is much more psychologically healthy for people. For me personally, it would damage my relationship with my parents if I found out they had withheld information from me.

[minimariah]

You are assuming that kids are stupid and won;t figure it out for themselves.

 

While the OP's husband may not have handled things all that well, he likely did the best he could. it's even quite possible that the son already knew about the affair and was seeking confirmation.

 

how exactly am i assuming that the kids are stupid?

it doesn't matter if the kid knew or was looking for a confirmation -- he should have found out about the parents as the united front. the parents should have showed the respect they have for each other because only that will actually keep the respect from the kid for the parent. parents are supposed to be a TEAM, you work together.

 

why is everyone ignoring the fact that this dude forgot to tell his STBXW that he told the kid about the affair? how do y'all explain that?

 

to say that the STBXH handled things poorly is an understatement.

[HereNorThere]

how exactly am i assuming that the kids are stupid?

it doesn't matter if the kid knew or was looking for a confirmation -- he should have found out about the parents as the united front. the parents should have showed the respect they have for each other because only that will actually keep the respect from the kid for the parent. parents are supposed to be a TEAM, you work together.

 

why is everyone ignoring the fact that this dude forgot to tell his STBXW that he told the kid about the affair? how do y'all explain that?

 

to say that the STBXH handled things poorly is an understatement.

 

I've gone back through OPs posts and I just can't find anything that supports that this was an option for BH. If anything, I found statements that blamed the husband for the divorce and even let the husband take partial blame (by letting the husband lie about the reason there were separating.)

 

I agree that a united front or even better, her alone, would be a better option for disclosing what happened. However, I find no evidence OP was willing to do this.

[truncated]

how exactly am i assuming that the kids are stupid?

it doesn't matter if the kid knew or was looking for a confirmation -- he should have found out about the parents as the united front. the parents should have showed the respect they have for each other because only that will actually keep the respect from the kid for the parent. parents are supposed to be a TEAM, you work together.

 

why is everyone ignoring the fact that this dude forgot to tell his STBXW that he told the kid about the affair? how do y'all explain that?

 

to say that the STBXH handled things poorly is an understatement.

 

A parent is supposed to be a role model for their child';s behavior, and that includes honesty.

 

All the lying about the affair ( which the son probably already suspected anyway...kids aren't as dumb as you make them out to be, just blindly accepting whatever a parent tells them).

 

The op's ex may have not handled it well, but he and the op seem to be mature enough to be handling the next steps quite well. All this nonsense about "parental alienation' and going to court again is silly and will just make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

The op knows her ex, she knows what he is like and from what she says, he's been really good for several years now about keeping he lid on things. She also seems to be very grounded and knows what will work best in her situation.

 

As for how the son is acting...ever raised a preteen/ teenager? I'd like to find one that is always respectful and never plays loud music.

 

What your parents did may have worked for you, and that;s fine, but this is a different situation and involves different people. There are different factors to consider. The op knows her son well and knows what she is doing.

 

OP, I have a strong feeling that you and your ex are handling this well and that things will simmer down. The teenage years are tough under the best of circumstances, but they don;t last forever ( it just feels like it sometimes :laugh: )

[sandylee1]

fine by me.

 

at the end of the day, the OP will do what she thinks is right - now what a bunch of strangers tell her to do on some random forum.

 

 

 

that was actually a sarcastic response to many other responses literally rejoicing in the "TRUTH" told by the STBXH. it was sarcasm on this weird obsession folks have with the truth.

 

the BS telling about the affair is accepted because "the truth" but what would have happened if the OP told her soon her own truth about the affair (speaking hypothetically here, not about the OP) & told her son that she had an affair because the husband was a lousy husband? would folks cheer for the amazing truth then, too?

 

 

 

my parents and many others weren't experienced either and they did the right thing - so it is most definitely a matter of one's judgement and personal maturity.

 

Mini - I didn't get the sarcasm honestly. I thought you genuinely were advising the OP to give her side of the story /affair to her son so he'd understand why she did it.

 

If the OP or any other WS told their child they had an A because the spouse was a lousy H/W, that would not make them parent of the year and they'd probably be hated even more by the child. It would show no remorse whatsoever........just more blameshifting. In truth many WS if truly remorseful realise the affair is 100% on them. It shows their poor coping mechanisms for any problems in the marriage.

 

Again , we'll agree to disagree with the rights and wrongs of telling the kids or not. The way your folks handled it worked out well for you. Many children have been told by the WS alone, the BS alone or with both parents present and they've been okay in all the situations. It's not a one size fits all.

 

A lot of this is down to individuals, just like the way we choose (or not) to discipline our children. Some ground their kids, some withdraw pocket money, others wouldn't hear of it and would never do these things ....neither is right or wrong.. ..just different.

 

Some WS just can't tell the kids because they feel so ashamed

....that doesn't mean the kids shouldn't be told for that reason.

[Chi townD]

Wow, this is getting brutal with people arguing over litigation and other BS. But, Lets break it down to bare bones and look at what happened.

 

 

Remorseful, here's my take. You cheated. We've established that. When you cheated you made a choice. And that choice has affected your BH AND your son.

 

 

You were in the driver seat when you cheated. Now, your BH your husband is in the drivers seat as far as where the marriage is concerned and, unfortunately, he decided to walk. He tried, but he just couldn't get over the betrayal.

 

 

And now you have a scared and heartbroken little boy that didn't understand what was happening. Hell, he probably blamed himself for your husband leave. He probably made promises to be a better son and to not make you or your husband angry at him, if he would just come home. He was scared and confused.

 

 

Your husband already told you that he started asking him the hard questions. Hell, he blame HIM for cheating on YOU! Therefore, I'm speculating that your son was starting to blame the demise of the marriage on him. So, he told him the truth. And I don't think he did it to be vindictive. Was your husband wrong? It really doesn't matter. Because here's the rub, YOUR SON WOULD HAVE FOUND OUT THE TRUTH EVENTUALLY! He would have found out at 9, or 19 or even 29. So, it doesn't matter what age, the pain was still going to hurt.

 

 

So, now he knows. He's hurt, he's angry and he is going to blame you. When you cheated and became remorseful, you needed to own it. Well, that never changes, you need to own it now. He's going to be mad, he's going to be hurt, he's going to vent and lash out. Yes, you are his mother. But, right now you're not his favorite person in the world. So, you need to give him time. Sooner or later, he's going to want answers. You need to be tactful but truthful.

 

 

And above all else, you and your BH need to convey to him that even though you two are not together anymore, you BOTH love him. That never changed and never will.

 

 

I also agree that you and your BH are on the right track on BOTH of you deciding on a counselor for him.

[minimariah]

I've gone back through OPs posts and I just can't find anything that supports that this was an option for BH.

 

the BS is a grown man dealing with a child. he isn't and wasn't a hostage of his child's demands - following pure logic and common sense, he most definitely has and had a choice... choiceS and optionS. as in, more than one.

 

and you found no evidence that the OP was willing to discuss the affair with the son because her STBXH forgot to tell her about it.

 

you can tell who is childless on this thread just by reading their responses. some of you really never dealt with a small kid a day in your life.

[salparadise]

I would totally agree with this statement if it were true. The truth is that ONE parent DIDN'T have the child's best interest at heart. You may not believe the child has right to know, but I do. Mostly because he would have found out anyway.

 

We disagree and that's okay. In my opinion, the truth is much more psychologically healthy for people. For me personally, it would damage my relationship with my parents if I found out they had withheld information from me.

 

Yes, we disagree alright. I think you're as wrong as you could possibly be. The only way the child would find out anytime soon is if he were told, or if the details were otherwise aired publicly. Yes the affair and the impending divorce are unfortunate, but they were/are about the relationship between the parents and do not need to destroy the boy's relationship with either parent.

 

This moralistic, retribution crap is just that. I'm not minimizing the affair, I'm saying that the dissolution of the marriage should be done in such a way as to minimize the negative impact on the innocent child and preserve his relationship with both parents. It completely blows my mind that anyone would argue otherwise.

[Sastrugi]

yes (& i'm, unlike most here, speaking from experience) - the kid should be told by the WS herself OR both parents present.

 

i'm honestly too shocked for words over people playing plain stupid over this situation. you're REALLY gonna tell me that you can't think of a better way to tell the kid the truth than what the OP's STBXH did? REALLY?!

 

Wait, so it is ok for the WS to tell the Child but not the BS. How is that any different than BS telling the child?

 

It really does not matter who tells as long as there is agreement between the parents. We all agree that STBX messed up on this part.

 

I guess i stupidly did not explain it in enough detail for you.

 

My Point was that no matter who told the child, or if they told the child together, the child would be extremely hurt and still blame the WS. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

 

 

 

Thankfully we are seeing cool heads prevail.

 

OP, sorry for that T/J.

[Chi townD]

And I think that some people are thinking that todays kids are stupid as hell. If you read the thread, the OP stated that her husband was being asked some seriously hard questions. The son started blaming his father for cheating on his mother. He knows what cheating is. And he (the son) knows that cheating was a possibility that his parents are no longer together. And here's the rub, he was right! He just got the parent wrong.