My son knows about my infidelity

[elaine567]

were you there... did you actually hear how it went down?

 

even if he did consult his wife before hand, he was owed the truth. what difference does it make... the child would've gotten angry at the simple fact that his mother cheated on his father and that was the reason why they were getting a divorce. no need to make it more than it was. he's angry because his mother hurt his father beyond words and that is why they aren't together- PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

 

why point fingers?

 

He told his son, left him to stew for a week and then unleashed him on the mother, who knew nothing about it, and that was not deliberate???

Of course it was.

[jen1447]

^i will ask you again... how does this help the situation??? for the child, i mean? it only serves to make him more angry and resentful. is this what the OP really wants?

 

How does addressing the potential issue of parental alienation help the situation? It allows the mother to protect her rights, and her interest in doing so would also likely affect her influence over what she believes the be the welfare and proper upbringing of her son - not exactly sth to be blown off with a shrug if she were to believe those things were in jeopardy.

[Artie Lang]

^i didn't ask you about the mother's rights... i asked you what good does it do the child to be put in this situation. i was under the impression that the welfare of the child is the main concern at this point. you really believe putting him through this is gonna bring him closer to his mother... it's gonna have the exact opposite effect.

[jen1447]

^i didn't ask you about the mother's rights... i asked you what good does it do the child to be put in this situation. i was under the impression that the welfare of the child is the main concern at this point.

 

Please re-read for info about the child's benefits. Also you edited your post to include the disclaimer about the child after the fact.

[Artie Lang]

don't get technical... answer the question. is it in the best interest of the child to go through with such litigation?

[Horton]

To the OP, it sounds like you're being pretty level headed about this IMO. Don't let other peoples bitterness cause you to start a war with your STBX that you can't win and that will only bring further turmoil into your innocent child's life. Just calmly sit your son down and tell him you're sorry for his pain and take full responsibility for the role your actions played. I wouldn't be to fast to cement your place as his authority figure like some are advising you. When a parent fails to live up to their own standards it's not a good idea to start lecturing a kid with the 'do as I say, not as I do' speech. Just give him some time and be understanding of his frustration, but don't allow him to use your failures as an excuse to compromise his own values either. You're his mother and even though he's angry and lashing out at you now, he will never stop loving you.

 

Anybody telling the OP to take him to court over this is thinking with their emotions and not their head. If she follows that advice her son will almost certainly turn on her then. She has said before that he is very close to his father, now that he knows that she has betrayed the father he adores, he would only view her fighting him in court as kicking dirt in his fathers face and that's something most kids will not get over. Her STBX probably just didn't know what to say while faced with a distraught child asking him why he now comes from a broken home, having never had to face such a situation before it's understandable that he didn't exactly handle it in the best possible way imaginable. People painting his actions with some hidden malice designed to ruin their mother/son relationship is just projection or Monday morning quarterbacking at best.

 

This is why it's a bad idea to keep the reason behind the dissolution of a family a secret from the children, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. It's their family too, they have a right to know in a age appropriate manner why they'll be shipped back and forth to two different households for the foreseeable future. Keeping secrets is what gets people into these positions in the first place. I have no earthly idea how so many of them come to think piling even more secrets on top of others is the answer and sometimes it's the BS that wants to keep it all a secret from them. Some people just never learn from their mistakes sadly.

[jen1447]

don't get technical... answer the question. is it in the best interest of the child to go through with such litigation?

 

Don't talk to me that way.

 

Yes, it may be if the mother fears that his well-being might be harmed by the parental alienation ....which I already said. How else would you suggest such a concern be resolved?

[minimariah]

don't get technical... answer the question. is it in the best interest of the child to go through with such litigation?

 

if there IS continuing parental alienation - absolutely.

if something like this happens again, she should take him to the court.

 

he told the kid about the mother's affair like he was telling him about a football game or something & failed to notify the mother - he'll screw up again, most likely. & when and if that happens - the OP needs to know her rights and how to protect herself and her relationship with the son.

Edited September 4, 2015 by minimariah

[lolablue17]

In a perfect world your H shouldn't have told your son. But people are people, and he did tell him.

 

OP - I think you're handling it right. You're not looking for a fight, because you know that any fight will increase the problem. you've talked to your H and managed to find a solution that fits both of you. Great, you can take some credit for not being tempted to make a big fight out of it, like others here suggest you to.

 

To be honest you should've expected it to happen one day in the future, at age 16-17, or 21. And then your son might have reacted much more aggressively, as a young man.

 

So, in away, nobody can tell, but maybe telling him at this age rather than few years later, could have made it more easy to handle for you.

 

Remind your H that it's very important for your son mental health that he will have a mother to adore, and to love, so your H can help a lot fixing things. Again, by coming in peace - you're on the right course. I think you took good decisions.

[minimariah]

Till now everything has been amicable with least cost involved on both sides.

 

but that is the point - UNTIL NOW, everything was okay. it doesn't mean that it will actually stay that way. i don't think you're too soft on your STBXH, but i think you're completely missing out on a pretty huge red flag over here.

 

i really suggest you protect yourself and your relationship with your son - that means, look up your rights and watch your kid's every move, feeling. talk to him, communicate with him and go to the court if something like this is to happen again.

 

i think you're lacking awareness of potential problems that might appear during the divorce proceedings & you're too trusting with you STBXH. that's the reason you never saw this coming & were unprepared for the kid finding out - don't let that happen again. nothing wrong with being ready for the worst case scenario & your STBXH is your co-parent... nothing less or more.

[Artie Lang]

if there IS continuing parental alienation - absolutely.

if something like this happens again, she should take him to the court.

 

i totally agree with you in that circumstance. that shows malice and spitefulness on the part of his father. no doubt the OP should take action, but this is an isolated incident. if his father was clearly bent on pitting this child against his mother, he could've done it long ago.

 

are we really gonna start blaming people and calling for their heads, potentially inflicting further damage on all the parties involved? the OP seems more level-headed than some who have posted here.

[sandylee1]

RT

 

You have owned what you did and you know that litigation is only going to harm you and make things worse.

I think if you realise the affair was a mistake, surely your H is allowed to make a mistake as well?

 

Nothing you've said about him, gives me the impression he's a bad or vindictive man. He's been fair in the settlement and you reached an amicable custody arrangement.

 

I doubt your son will feel like this forever. In time he'll remember all the good stuff you've done for him and the times you've been there over the years. Like when he's been ill, at sport's days, school plays, making easter cards/Christmas cards at school, organising birthday parties, ferrying him from one activity to the next and .......he'll recall the good times.

 

Also remember your H stayed because of your son, so he's not going to deliberately want to destroy those memories for him or cause him to hurt, otherwise the last 8 years would have been a total waste of time .

 

The truth is nobody can predict how anyone will act or react when told things. Human nature is to defend oneself and if your H felt he was being blamed, then he's within his rights to defend himself.

 

Of course I understand as a mum how hurtful this is to you. One therapist advised that the kids (8 & 6), be told mum and dad don't get along too well anymore. Infact the WH had already leased an apartment with his AP. That story didn't fit well with the BW, she didn't want the kids to feel you just give up on marriage because you aren't getting along. Different views but it's not a case of right or wrong.

 

Your son will understand that adults makes wrong choices too.

[anika99]

To the OP, it sounds like you're being pretty level headed about this IMO. Don't let other peoples bitterness cause you to start a war with your STBX that you can't win and that will only bring further turmoil into your innocent child's life. Just calmly sit your son down and tell him you're sorry for his pain and take full responsibility for the role your actions played. I wouldn't be to fast to cement your place as his authority figure like some are advising you. When a parent fails to live up to their own standards it's not a good idea to start lecturing a kid with the 'do as I say, not as I do' speech. Just give him some time and be understanding of his frustration, but don't allow him to use your failures as an excuse to compromise his own values either. You're his mother and even though he's angry and lashing out at you now, he will never stop loving you.

 

Anybody telling the OP to take him to court over this is thinking with their emotions and not their head. If she follows that advice her son will almost certainly turn on her then. She has said before that he is very close to his father, now that he knows that she has betrayed the father he adores, he would only view her fighting him in court as kicking dirt in his fathers face and that's something most kids will not get over. Her STBX probably just didn't know what to say while faced with a distraught child asking him why he now comes from a broken home, having never had to face such a situation before it's understandable that he didn't exactly handle it in the best possible way imaginable. People painting his actions with some hidden malice designed to ruin their mother/son relationship is just projection or Monday morning quarterbacking at best.

 

This is why it's a bad idea to keep the reason behind the dissolution of a family a secret from the children, it will come back to bite you in the butt eventually. It's their family too, they have a right to know in a age appropriate manner why they'll be shipped back and forth to two different households for the foreseeable future. Keeping secrets is what gets people into these positions in the first place. I have no earthly idea how so many of them come to think piling even more secrets on top of others is the answer and sometimes it's the BS that wants to keep it all a secret from them. Some people just never learn from their mistakes sadly.

 

Great Post! The son is already angry at his mother and empathizing with his father and he will absolutely become even colder and angrier at the OP if she sues his dad right now. Suing the BH will do nothing in terms of helping the OP repair the relationship with her son but it could do a lot in terms of damaging that relationship.

 

The OP does not want a bitter long drawn out divorce, she does not want to spend money she doesn't have, she does not want to lose her apartment and she does not want to hurt her son. I think she knows what she's doing and that she's smart to stay calm, keep a level head and not go off on an angry quest to sue her soon to be ex-husband. As long as mom stays calm and rational and continues to reassure her son of her love and commitment to him I think his anger at her infidelity will lessen with time and he will warm up to her again.

[minimariah]

if his father was clearly bent on pitting this child against his mother, he could've done it long ago.

 

not necessarily - they just now separated & heading for a divorce, so if the father wants to alienate... this would be the right time.

 

are we really gonna start blaming people and calling for their heads, potentially inflicting further damage on all the parties involved? the OP seems more level-headed than some who have posted here.

 

all folks said to the OP is that she should be careful and know her rights yet some are acting as if she was told to drag his a** to the court TOMORROW.

 

she should be ready for the worst case scenario, she should be careful and NOT take this lightly. she should also let her H know that she won't tolerate incidents like these and tell him to call her first the next time he wants to open his mouth about the affair and the reason they had divorced.

 

that advice is very REALISTIC... why do people act like it's too dramatic? because she was the cheater and the husband was the BS. if the roles were reversed, you'd be cheering for her to take him to the court. too obvious.

[lolablue17]

Parents have rights, and the basic right is to educate their children, the way they feel's right. She probably has, as the mother (very common) the main custody, but it does not give her the right to control the relationship between her son and his father.

 

legally, she has no say about how her H chooses to be with his son. Unless of course the H is danger, violent, or extremely abusive.

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial commentary redacted

[Artie Lang]

all folks said to the OP is that she should be careful and know her rights yet some are acting as if she was told to drag his a** to the court TOMORROW.

 

she should be ready for the worst case scenario, she should be careful and NOT take this lightly. she should also let her H know that she won't tolerate incidents like these and tell him to call her first the next time he wants to open his mouth about the affair and the reason they had divorced.

 

that advice is very REALISTIC... why do people act like it's too dramatic? because she was te chater and the husband was the BS. if the roles were reversed, you'd be cheering for her to take him to the court. too transparent.

 

again, i agree. but until then, she needs to give this some time... give her son some space. pull back from the situation and critically analyze it. why drag this to court, when technically there is no evidence of "parental alienation of affection"... yet.

 

what's so childish, is the finger pointing. why demonize this man for telling his son what actually happened... why he ultimately had to end the marriage. given the facts the OP has provided, it doesn't seem like it was done out of malice. sure, he could've probably handled it in a more tactful manner, but nobody really knows how it actually played out... none of us were there.

[Postingforyou]

I just made an account because i was in your son's shoes, the only difference was that my father cheated on my mom, and i decided to stick with her.

 

My father loved me dearly and is/was very attached to me, but after knowing what he did, i never loved him or respected him in the same way, i felt utterly humiliated as a member of the family for what he did. I huge reason of why i value honor and loyality so much is because of the immense disgust i've for my father, i treat my father as the mirror of what i don't want to be.

 

The mother doing it must be 10 times worse, i cannot stress it enough, the mother doing it is so much worse for a boy.

 

I was the same age, the situation was very similar, it's really important for you to improve your image for your son's sake, he'll have scars for the rest of his life.

 

Most people cheat in a bad relationship, a kid can maybe understand cheating if their parents are on the verge of divorce, but his father was a nice guy, he can't understand why you did it.

 

Think about volunteering and anything that can make your son proud of you, and try to get back with his father if you can.

 

Your exBH was an idiot, he didn't want your son to think he was the cheater, and picked the best way to clear his name, he has no idea what he did to that poor boy.

 

Please don't get a boyfriend, in the end it was your fault, don't make him suffer anymore than he is.

[minimariah]

...but nobody really knows how it actually played out... none of us were there.

 

it doesn't matter how it played out. he should have kept his mouth shut. he knew better - dropped a bomb that big and then failed to tell his STBXW about it. it's actually baffling that more people aren't baffled by that man's behavior. really makes you think what's "normal" to people these days.

[Postingforyou]

I don't think IC would've helped me, what my father did never affected me, i just cannot see my father as a good person, he cheated on my fine and hardworking mother for no reason, his cheated just made me think he was pathetic and disgusting.

[oldshirt]

i totally agree with you in that circumstance. that shows malice and spitefulness on the part of his father. no doubt the OP should take action, but this is an isolated incident. if his father was clearly bent on pitting this child against his mother, he could've done it long ago.

 

are we really gonna start blaming people and calling for their heads, potentially inflicting further damage on all the parties involved? the OP seems more level-headed than some who have posted here.

 

Agree.

 

If the STBX shows a pattern of repetitive behaviors meant to undermine RT' s relationship with her son out of malice and spite, then it will need to be addressed.

 

But this one incident does not indicate this at this point in time.

 

If similar episodes keep happening again and again showing a pattern of willfull conduct to cause harm, then yes, actions will need to be taken to stop it.

[Artie Lang]

it doesn't matter how it played out. he should have kept his mouth shut. he knew better - dropped a bomb that big and then failed to tell his STBXW about it. it's actually baffling that more people aren't baffled by that man's behavior. really makes you think what's "normal" to people these days.

 

sorry, but this is where many opinions will begin to diverge. you, nor i, have a monopoly of what is "normal" behavior. there are no absolutes when dealing with situations like this. some say tell, some don't. to each his/her own.

[HereNorThere]

That child has every right to know who put his future in jeopardy. Under no circumstances should the husband be forced to lie to his child. Under no circumstances should he be forced to take the blame for the divorce.

 

I think it's just odd that all of sudden you are so concerned about your child's welfare, but obviously didn't care during your affair.

 

It's time to man up and take responsibility for your actions. Everyone has right to know the truth about their own life. Everyone has a right to choose to tell the truth. Lying to the child would have been much more detrimental to him anyway.

 

Quit acting like the affair wasn't harmful to your child. You knew it was and chose to do it anyway. Now it's time to pay the piper. It's funny that telling him is bad, but having the affair wasn't. There's just no logic to any of this.

[Postingforyou]

it doesn't matter how it played out. he should have kept his mouth shut. he knew better - dropped a bomb that big and then failed to tell his STBXW about it. it's actually baffling that more people aren't baffled by that man's behavior. really makes you think what's "normal" to people these days.

 

I'm glad they told me what happened, even tho i was around 10, i think even as a kid it was still my right to know. I never thought about it till now, maybe i stayed with my mother because i wanted to support her trough her pain, even tho she was really good at hiding her sadness, i don't think i ever saw her crying about it.

[Sastrugi]

 

 

but that is the point - UNTIL NOW, everything was okay. it doesn't mean that it will actually stay that way

And if OP follows your advice it won't stay that way.

 

. i don't think you're too soft on your STBXH, but i think you're completely missing out on a pretty huge red flag over here.

Most agree that STBX did not handle this as well as he could have. However you are forgetting one really important fact. The STBX's perfect world would not have included infidelity, separation, divorce, AND SHARED CHILD Custody. Both OP and STBX are doing the best they can. Mistakes will be made, open communication will resolve those mistakes.

 

I read your post as such negative destructive forecasting of events that most likely will never happen... if cool heads prevail. look the courts are going to be reasonable and see a one off when it happens. Too prove this was an act of alienation would be extremely difficult and expensive to do.

 

Only if there is demonstrated repeated acts of alienation will they do anything. OP can protect her self by doing as some have suggested by notifying her attorney of any of these incidents.

 

i really suggest you protect yourself and your relationship with your son - that means, look up your rights and watch your kid's every move, feeling. talk to him, communicate with him and go to the court if something like this is to happen again.

Damn, can we say 1984... Really, you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

i think you're lacking awareness of potential problems that might appear during the divorce proceedings & you're too trusting with you STBXH. that's the reason you never saw this coming & were unprepared for the kid finding out - don't let that happen again. nothing wrong with being ready for the worst case scenario & your STBXH is your co-parent... nothing less or more.

 

OP seems to be way more on top of this situation than you are. I read her threads and think she has her head on pretty damn straight.

[sidney2718]

There are people who will imply that your son no longer has to respect your role as his mother now that he knows.

 

Those people would be dead wrong.

 

I would be humble with him and apologetic regarding the affair.

 

But he is your son, and you are his mother, and rules are rules.

 

Period.

 

I would NOT be humble with the son. The child is still the child, the parent is still the parent. The parent should not be seeking forgiveness from the child.

 

What should the parent do? Point out that she is still the mother and that the child still has to obey the rules. And the rules include not playing music so loud that it disturbs others. So we agree on this at least.