My son knows about my infidelity

[violet1]

I was always thrown in the middle after my parents were divorced. I hated it! Telling a child that we are divorcing because of adult problems is not a lie. Of course every child asks why about everything they don't like or understand. A simple don't worry about it, this is between your mom and I or vice versa works wonders. Children need to worry about doing their homework and chores, not about their mother's affair. Being an adult is hard. Why not let kids be kids? Telling kids too much too soon takes a piece of naivety away that every child deserves to have. It puts stress on them, but again the majority of people have to play the blame game instead of pushing their feelings aside and putting the child first. It sickens me how many people are advocating that this little boy needs to know about his mom's cheating. Details of the why's could have been explained at a later date.

 

OP, you are one strong lady. I would have come unglued if I were you. I don't know your H. I don't know if he's alienating your son from you or not, but alienation of affection is very real. I've seen it happen to my husband with his youngest daughter who now lives out of state. We have troubles with his older daughter who lives with us partly because of the same thing. She's a teenager and lost her mom almost 2 years ago. SD was crying to me last night in fact because all she ever wanted was a normal family dynamic. She feels like a piece of luggage passed back and forth. She wants to be kept out of the family drama. Her mom would tell her inappropriate things about my H. My H would get upset and in return tell her inappropriate things about her mother. Not a good situation. I don't know England works, but in my state you can have it put in your divorce that both parents are not allowed to discuss or bad mouth the other parent in front of the child. All I'm suggesting is that you protect your relationship with your son. I know you love your H, but do not allow him to interfere. You do not deserve to be stoned to death because you cheated many years ago.

 

I wasn't suggesting that your H tell your boy at 2 years old. I'm sorry but because of my own personal experiences, I believe what your H did was very selfish. All he had to do was tell your son that it should be discussed with mom around. Anyway, I'm out of this thread because some of the poster's responses here are full of complete ignorance. Best of luck OP!

[road]

some posters here attacking the OP and defending her H decision to tell their son about her A are acting like if she is still having her A which made her H leave. which is not he case. if you haven't followed OP's initial thread here is a summary: she had an A more that 8 years ago, H confronted her and demanded she ends the A, she had been remorseful and did all she could in her eyes to earn his trust, 8 years later he wanted a D. the separation has been going amicably with mutual respect he even apologized to her that it had to go that way. so there was no need for him to do this. It could've been just an intentional mistake if that's a case he can solve it.

 

 

So the BH tried for years after D day and he could not move past his WW's affair so he throws in the towel and wants a divorce. He was not the first and will not be the last BH to do so.

 

 

So why your need for a recap?

[road]

I don't disagree for a second that kids won't be perceptive and pick up on way more clues than the parents think.

 

But to tell an 11 year old, who has likely never had sex and doesn't understand everything that goes along with it, that his mother slept around and that's why dad left is irresponsible. Kids have enough pressure to deal with and are still figuring out their own emotions and maturity levels. To throw an adult problem like that into a kids lap when he has less tools available to cope with it than an adult is straight up selfish.

 

Kids are definitely entitled to know the truth at some point. And I won't pretend to know exactly where that line is. But I do know that and 11 year old virgin is below that line.

 

Kids need to know that their parent's couldn't work things out, they are both very sad that is didn't work out, and that it had nothing to do with the kids.

 

 

 

 

There is no need to mention there was sex. An 11 yo knows and understands that when a spouse dates an AP that is cheating. Putting the blame on the WS takes the self imposed blame off that the child places on themselves when a family breaks ups.

[Hope Shimmers]

RT,

 

To actually try to answer your ORIGINAL QUESTION, here goes:

 

Kids think their parents are prefect. Right now he has learned an important lesson - that his mom is not perfect - and you fell off his pedestal. He's angry, confused, and processing this.

 

What you do NOT do is give up (I know you won't). Someone before said you should "apologize over and over" to your son. I completely disagree. You are his mom, and here is a lesson he is going to learn which is that although you made some very bad choices, you regret them terribly and you have done your best to correct them, but that sometimes that just isn't enough.

 

You should tell him how much you regret your decisions, then tell him how much you have learned. That the most important thing in the world to you is him (your son) and your entire focus will be on making sure that he is okay though this, and that you will be working together with his dad to make that happen. Reassure him how much you love him and his dad loves him.

 

I would also suggest (based on my experience with divorce and young kids, although not affair-related) that you solidify parenting plans/custody and living arrangements as soon as possible because it will reassure him to know what is going to happen. Right now I am sure he is confused about what to expect.

 

My ex-H and I waited to tell our kids about the divorce until we had everything worked through and I had bought a house 3 blocks away, so we could tell them - you will not have to change schools. You will not have to make new friends. You will live equal amounts of time in mom's house and dad's house, but you are free to call WHENEVER and text WHENEVER and if you want to see mom or dad when you are at the other person's house, you can walk or ride your bike and see us. Whenever you want!

 

Maybe that is not possible in your situation, but we worked really hard to make sure that when they got the "blow" of the divorce, it was clear to them exactly what to expect thereafter which I believe made all the difference in how they were able to process it. They were not left wondering about what would happen or what my priorities or my ex-H's priorities were.

[66Charger]

I agree

 

If you look him in the eye and simply tell him, What I did was wrong and I hurt your Father and I will regret it forever" Your son will see your humanity. Your son will see that it is important to tell someone that you did wrong to, that you need to stand up like a Man and apologize.

 

Teach your son this and he will forgive you. He is your son and he will always love you even if he is mad at you (for now)

Edited September 5, 2015 by 66Charger

[Noirek]

-do not be driven away by a child. Or listen to those that say let him stay with his dad and other hurtful attacks on your character. Just like one's character can be destroyed it can also be rebuilt. You aren't a cheater anymore. Don't let the guilt destroy your relationship. Yes, you were wrong 8 years ago. But you are older and wiser I hope now. No groveling. Your son will respect you more for standing tall than giving up or taking his smack talk.

 

"I know you are angry, x, what I did was wrong. But I am still your mother and nothibg will change that. You still have to obey me and show me respect. I love you very much and I hope you will come to forgive me"

 

And leave it at that. If you walk away from him or cater to him he will only see you as weak.

 

As to how it came out. I think your husband and you need to see a counselor for coparenting. You have him on a pedastal and almost seem afraid of him. But point blank, there is no excuse for him to not have told you about the conversation. I can't even believe anyone would find that normal. He told your son you cheated (a big deal of epic proportions) and figured your son was "fine" (shows he is a little behind on his parenting skills, not damaging but definetly something he needs to work on). And even if the sone had been "fine" that info should have been fully imparted to you. That was wrong. Giving him the benefit of the doubt lets just say he is clueless. This is a sign you guys need a counsellor to get your communications straight.

 

I totally get him setting your son straight on who cheated on who. I just really don't get him not telling you. Get that sorted.

[m.snow]

i dont know but take comfort in that he's a son and not a daughter.

 

most say boys tend to forget about that stuff over time. a short time. on the contrary if its daughter they take that pain deep.

 

again he is going to therapy. and please communicate with your husband.

 

this calls for a father,mother&son meet up at counseling. need to discuss this together as co-parents with the child.

[adna89]

In my opinion your husband is using this now for other reasons,very selfish,,,this was 8 years ago not 8 months ago.Probably he met an other woman and decided he will use your mistake 8 years ago to look as the good guy here

[Postingforyou]

he didn't. you can't keep a secret from someone who isn't even in the position to understand it - let alone to find out about it.

 

 

I was the same age as remorsefull's son, and i was able to understand perfectly, i'm glad i got to know the truth.

 

Your opinion is objectively wrong, i went trough it personally, and i can assure you i was able to understand it, and wanted to know the truth. No one has the right to make such a decision for me, it's my right to know if i want to.

[minimariah]

What is amazing is that the OP was able to handle the Husbands "error" diplomatically, many post ago, defend her STBX and still you WAR. Whose thread is this?

 

you know... i read somewhere on the other thread how the culture bias is obvious on this forum - & that's absolutely true. my style of communication is normal & not viewed as harsh and angry because my people are opened & honest, not afraid to get a little passionate when in an argument and over here where there are mostly north Americans & Brits... that's viewed as mad and angry.

 

it's really not... i'm personally not in a war or mad... not even the least bit. i just come from a completely different culture than most of you here and getting a little worked up over something is normal to me. i forget about it the very next second. really.

 

Agree to the truth? Are you serious?

 

me - parents should sit down and talk and decide and agree on what to tell and how to tell it to their kid and only then act on it as an united front.

you - so you think they should lie to the kid?!

 

is my English the problem...? honest question (it's not my 1st language).

 

 

it would be great if the WS could tell the kid that he had forgiven his mom & that they will be friends and that they will always love him and respect each other. it would be awesome if the WS could stand up for the BS and tell his kid that, affair or not, she is still his mother and he absolutely does need to respect her. it would be awesome if the WS would protect the mother in this scenario because if he doesn't respect the BS - the kid won't either. if the child sees that the parents get along and that the affair is really in the past... then you have some space for progress.

 

anything less than the described above...?

good luck.

[minimariah]

Your opinion is objectively wrong...

 

you & me.

you -- was told at the young age of 10, sided with your mom as a result, have a disastrous relationship with your father & think of him as disgusting. unable to remove the affair from your own relationship with your dad.

 

me -- was told at the late teen age, was confused in the beginning but my parents stood in front of me as the united front. result? amazing relationship with the both of them AND their new partners & overall an amazing and FREE family atmosphere where there is some very REAL love and mutual respect.

 

point proven.

[edwardpresto]

Truth as always hurts. It may break the relationships between you and your son but keep in mind that whatever happens is you are still his mother.

 

Give your son time and space. I'm sure he'll understand the situation in the long run.

[Civil]

Unless she's actually considering involving the law or demanding rather than earning her son's respect, the OP will see this through to repair and restoration. Her son is intelligent, he is reacting normally to new, painful information, and both of his parents care for his emotional health.

 

Did he have to be told? Of course he did. He made that crystal clear. Left in the dark, he fretted, came up with the truth all on his own and confronted the party he assumed was to blame. ;That important detail had to be corrected. So there was never any basis for all the claims that he's too young or that he had no urgent need to understand what's really driving the drastic changes in his life.

 

Should his father have alerted his mother? Ideally, sure, but this is hardly his ideal circumstance. He dreads the subject, believed his son was managing, and when he discovered otherwise, his immediate response was counseling and a unified approach.

 

Should there be a threat of legal action? Only if the OP's real desire is to negate 8 years of sincere attempts to reconcile. There's one hard and fast rule about litigation that applies to any scenario, business or personal: never, ever put it in the table, don't even hint at it, unless you are wholly prepared to see it through to the bitter end. In this case, Op would have to be willing to ditch hopes of amicable co-parenting and place her son squarely at the heart of a brutal, unnecessary battle.

 

Do I speak from experience? Yes. Lots.

[truncated]

hint, hint - the BS wasn't the one having the affair.

 

 

 

& i already explained why is your point wrong.

 

You're doing a lot of assuming, and what works for you may not be right for anyone else.

 

A kid who finds out something like this is going to be hurt, no matter what. They will find out that the idealized view they have of their parent ( in these case mom) isn't right, and that can be very painful.

 

There's also the point of a parent who has likely always told their child to be honest, now they have two dishonest parents...one who cheated and one who helped to cover it up.

 

The son knew in his gut what was up, he just had the wrong parent. Now, the issue is out int he open and can be addressed accordingly.

[minimariah]

You're doing a lot of assuming, and what works for you may not be right for anyone else.

 

this isn't one of those situations. there are a lot of psych researches and professional opinions out there that tell you exactly why is it better for a kid to find out about parents in the right circumstances than this way.

 

there is absolutely a way to lessen the blow, it really can't get more logical. kids will follow YOUR lead. they will watch you and COPY your opinions and feelings. if they see that both parents are okay and at peace with what had happened - they will be too. stressed out kids are nothing more or less but a product of stressed out and unbalanced parents.

 

a big problem is also that the OP doesn't know why she did what she did. she claims it was because of her "selfish" nature, she had an A in an otherwise perfectly happy marriage - when he asks her why and she tells him this? not good. he already demonizes her and she'll only add to that.

[Furious]

Uhm' date=' that is not what she wrote. You should re-read the entire post and try to understand what she wrote in response to what minimariah wrote.

 

using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

 

The above has to be the worse advice I've heard.

 

How can someone speak against a child being dragged into their parent's problems but then advise mom to tell the child how the OM supposedly filled mom's unmet needs and dad was partly responsible for the affair.

 

OP I'm relieved you rejected the above advice.

 

I do think your husband was wrong to tell your young son about your affair. This is between you and your husband and your child should not have been placed in this position. Your husband has made a huge mistake. He should be ashamed to have done this.

 

The reality is, no family is perfect, handled with care and joint responsibility and love, you and your husband can repair the damage and restore your child's well being and love for both of you.

 

At this point, you've done all you can to save your marriage, but life goes on and you deserve to let the past go without being held hostage from it.

 

The best thing is to co-parent with mutual respect, and you have the right to stand up for yourself and not allow your husband to damage your son's relationship with you.

[minimariah]

The above has to be the worse advice I've heard.

 

ATTENTION - to all of you who will butt in next and rant about the same post, my post #20 IS SARCASM that obviously didn't translate well and wasn't successful. IT WASN'T SERIOUS ADVICE.

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[road]

ATTENTION - to all of you who will butt in next and rant about the same post, my post #20 IS SARCASM that obviously didn't translate well and wasn't successful. IT WASN'T SERIOUS ADVICE.

 

 

 

 

Where was the sarcasm?

Edited September 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[remorseful_tab]

Wow! This board is so active. I am grateful for all the scenarios mentioned here. It was very helpful.

 

So I asked my H to come down for face to face talks when he comes to take our son. When he came I asked our son to go to his room because dad and I needed to talk. I made my displeasure known clearly. I read all the advises given here about what sort of damage these sorts of revelations causes to children and I said I was not ok. This cannot continue. He agreed that he should have asked me before talking to him. I asked why didn't he inform me after this happened. Same reasons as stated earlier. But I was pissed and was thinking "well if you were not so engaged with riding with your girlfriend, you would have paid more attention to this matter". Though didn't utter it though.

 

But I stopped short of threatening him with any litigations but said that these cannot happen again. And whenever son again asks him something, he should discuss it before saying anything to him. Same goes for me.

 

What I came to know that when my son asked, H said that I "fell in love with someone else when he was small" but I came back. All these years I really tried to make things right again. But H couldn't cope with the problems anymore that arose when I "fell in love". He tried. But in the end it didn't work out. He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Well that reassuring, I guess!

 

Then we called our son. And H strightaway said to what he was disappointed to hear how he has been acting. What he was doing was disrespectful to me. Whatever our problems, it was between us. But to our son, I was still the mother who cooked for him, who washes his clothes, who takes cares of things that he needs, who supports him in his activities. And I do all of these things without any conditions. And that deserves respect. He better not hear again that he (our son) has again blatantly disrespected me. If that happens again, he is not going to give him any pocket money and will make sure I didn't either ( He actually said that). And he will also take him out of the school that he goes and send him to a boarding where he will learn proper manners. And was he clear? Son meekly said "yes". Then he asked him to go back to his room.

 

Then we started discussing about counseling options. He has not made the list of counselors yet but says by next Saturday he will prepare one.

 

I actually think maybe it was not intentional by H. Lets see.

[remorseful_tab]

I have seen what nasty divorces do to people, even women who receives lifelong spousal support.

 

There is a women in my workplace. Her H was abusive and she finally filed for divorce. But it was a very long divorce battle where they fought over everything. To continue fighting she incurred huge debts in loans to pay for the legal expenses. Only her job is keeping her head above the water even though she is entitled to lifelong spousal support. She lost the home she used to live and now lives in council estates. I have lived in council estates after my parents' divorce. Its horrible! I don't want to ever go back there.

 

On the other hand, in my divorce H has freely agreed to let me have the apartment we live provided I pay him 20% of the valuation of the apartment as per official municipal valuation. But as I said the apartment is in a prime London location and that makes it very costly. A very large property tax is to be paid for this apartment. Probably it was one of my H's idea of revenge. Make me pay the tax. LOL

 

But I still love it here.

[Steen719]

OP,

I just wanted to relate my story to you, even though the ages are different of the sons. My XH cheated on me 2 times. The first time, my son was 7 and I did not tell my son why his dad wanted to leave. I just told him that he loved him, but wanted to move back home to another city.

 

The second time, my son was 20 and as a family, we had endured a lot of turmoil for the 2 years before. Dad was sick and had to have a transplant, we had to move temp. to another city, son was in college, only I was working and money was very short. After all of that, my XH cheated again. I tried to think about staying, but honestly, who does that after someone takes care of you and everything else? Just divorce me, but not cheat again and all that goes with it. I digress.

 

My son, while older than yours, kept asking what was going on. I wasn't sure what to tell him. It was hard. I didn't want to throw my XH under the bus, but I didn't want to lie. I actually went to see a psychologist to discuss it and he suggested that I tell him. I did, and my son was very disappointed and resentful of his dad. I want to say here that they also had sort of a contentious relationship d/t dad's personality.

 

For a while, a couple of years, son did not have much of a relationship with his dad, but his dad did not make much of an effort - you know, girlfriend, new life. When it all crashed around him, he tried harder.

 

I reminded my son that his dad was the only dad he would have, had some good qualities..all that. Eventually, son has gotten to where he is at a better place in the relationship, but he has said that behaviors have consequences.

 

My point (sorry it has taken so long) is that your son will probably come around and it may take some time. Be honest, tell him you are sorry, but make sure he knows you love him and do not lie. My XH has never really been honest - still blames me and has never said he was sorry to him. If he would, it would help the situation. Your son will love you and eventually, things will be better between you two. Be the best mom you can - he'll come around.

[truncated]

Wow! This board is so active. I am grateful for all the scenarios mentioned here. It was very helpful.

 

So I asked my H to come down for face to face talks when he comes to take our son. When he came I asked our son to go to his room because dad and I needed to talk. I made my displeasure known clearly. I read all the advises given here about what sort of damage these sorts of revelations causes to children and I said I was not ok. This cannot continue. He agreed that he should have asked me before talking to him. I asked why didn't he inform me after this happened. Same reasons as stated earlier. But I was pissed and was thinking "well if you were not so engaged with riding with your girlfriend, you would have paid more attention to this matter". Though didn't utter it though.

 

But I stopped short of threatening him with any litigations but said that these cannot happen again. And whenever son again asks him something, he should discuss it before saying anything to him. Same goes for me.

 

What I came to know that when my son asked, H said that I "fell in love with someone else when he was small" but I came back. All these years I really tried to make things right again. But H couldn't cope with the problems anymore that arose when I "fell in love". He tried. But in the end it didn't work out. He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Well that reassuring, I guess!

 

Then we called our son. And H strightaway said to what he was disappointed to hear how he has been acting. What he was doing was disrespectful to me. Whatever our problems, it was between us. But to our son, I was still the mother who cooked for him, who washes his clothes, who takes cares of things that he needs, who supports him in his activities. And I do all of these things without any conditions. And that deserves respect. He better not hear again that he (our son) has again blatantly disrespected me. If that happens again, he is not going to give him any pocket money and will make sure I didn't either ( He actually said that). And he will also take him out of the school that he goes and send him to a boarding where he will learn proper manners. And was he clear? Son meekly said "yes". Then he asked him to go back to his room.

 

Then we started discussing about counseling options. He has not made the list of counselors yet but says by next Saturday he will prepare one.

 

I actually think maybe it was not intentional by H. Lets see.

 

It sounds like the two of you are both doing your best to parent in a tough situation, and it also sounds like you are doing a good job and being "adult' about it. There are bound to be slip ups ( no parent is perfect) but overall, you have formed a strong parental unit

 

He's getting to the teen years, which can be tough for any kids to navigate through. One thing that can come from all of this is that you admit you made a mistake and you take responsibility for it. That is a really valuable life lesson that will stand him in good stead.

[sandylee1]

RT

 

Wow....This almost brought tears to my eyes with emotion. Your STBXH is a decent and honourable man. It's easy for people to shoot him down in flames, but he really handled this well in the end.

 

Your H is right...you do a lot for your son and those are the things he will remember later, even though he's upset now.

 

I also think the way he explained it..as in you fell in love with someone else but came back was age appropriate. The part of you came back, would hopefully make your son know that you realised it was his dad you loved.

 

You can't ask for much more than this and there's no point in dwelling on what can't be changed.

 

You guys are doing really good with the coparenting....don't let this bump derail you.☺

[remorseful_tab]

Thank you everyone.

[minimariah]

Where was the sarcasm?

 

not talking about the OP, imagine this purely hypothethical situation -

the BS tells the kid that the WS cheated and that's the reason their family broke up. everyone cheers because the BS has the right to tell the truth.

 

let's turn the tables - would it be okay for the WS to tell the truth, too? would it be okay for the WS to tell - hey, i cheated because your parent was a horrible and awful spouse so i had to look elsewhere what i wasn't getting at home? would people cheer for the truth then, too? NO.

 

that's the thing with the truth lovers - they love and cheer for it only when it actually benefits them. and while folks won't, NO WAY, say that the BS in 1st example was doing parental alienation - they will scream their lungs out about parental alienation in the 2nd situation with the WS telling the kid how awful spouse the BS was.

 

this thread is baffling.

 

folks writing about parental alienation not being real. folks writing about how dad did the right thing because he had no option, he was "pressed" by his child like he was in the interrogation room so i guess the poor soul had no other option but to tell the truth. folks writing how it's better for parents to tell the truth even tho the truth will damage the kid much more than a lie. folks writing how kids have the right to know when in reality, marital problems of the parents are none of their business. folks writing how "protect yourself and look up your rights and think of the worst case scenario" is a war call and some bad advice. folks sincerely asking why is it better for the kid to find out from parents as united front as opossed from one parent? folks asking why is it better than the kid finds out about the affair from the WS as opossed from the BS? the amount of ridiculous questions and statements in this thread is just... WOW.

 

i hope the kid goes without consequences and eventually rebuilds the relationship with his mother. and i truly do wish the OP the best and i hope this will be the first and last incident of this kind.