My son knows about my infidelity

[ladydesigner]

I doubt that it will happen with one talk. But lets see if he opens up to his feelings in front of a counselor.

 

I haven't read through entire thread, but noticed here your son is going to be going to a counselor? That is exactly what I was going to suggest.

 

You are his mom and will always be his mom. He loves you but is upset right now and needs to process all his grief over this. Give him time.

 

If you are doing the work on yourself (((remorseful_tab))), hopefully you are in counseling as well, then your son will see this one day. I believe there is redemption for those who seek it in honesty.

 

I was 10 when I found out my Mom had an A and that's why my parents were fighting. I was mad at her for years, but eventually saw the work and counseling she went through to help herself.

 

Just be the role model your son needs right now, he will come around eventually. I hope your ex doesn't say too much more otherwise it may be considered parental alienation.

[Sastrugi]

i respectfully disagree with you, most affairs just happen and it does not have to be a bad marriage. for affairs to happen.

 

people will always be subject to "temptation". most if not all affairs occur due to "temptation" and not because of a bad marriage.

 

also because most affairs don't have emotional connection.

 

Spot on Snow.

the WS has so many other options than have an affair. At its core an Affair is a very selfish act. Not much to do with the marriage.

[truncated]

I am sorry you are both hurting so much- I know it sounds cliche but give him time to process this in his own way- he will come around-

 

Based on what the op says, both she and her ex husband are shown integrity in their current behavior, and the son will learn that one can make a terrible mistake but still own up to them, take responsibility for it, and move on as a wiser person. That is a very valuable lesson that will be a good predictor of the type of man he will become.

 

 

He's an almost teenage boy, so it would be natural for there to be conflict between him and his mom, even under the best of circumstances.

[truncated]

This is not everyone's situation. That may have been your experience but it doesn't fit for everyone.

 

Especially when the op herself is saying her marriage was doing well before the affair.

 

I'm not sure why anyone would deny her the truth of her experiences and feelings, as she is the one who lived through them.

[gettingstronger]

Based on what the op says, both she and her ex husband are shown integrity in their current behavior, and the son will learn that one can make a terrible mistake but still own up to them, take responsibility for it, and move on as a wiser person. That is a very valuable lesson that will be a good predictor of the type of man he will become.

 

 

He's an almost teenage boy, so it would be natural for there to be conflict between him and his mom, even under the best of circumstances.

 

 

I agree here too-I also do know that when my boys have a conflict with their Dad-he always says, they hate me for what I did-while that may play a role, I also know that since they are 16 and 20-its his turn to take some heat from them- goodness knows I got my share in their tween years!

[afoolto no end]

I think the truth is the best policy, should have happened right away.

Of course the son is angry he doesn't understand what is going on.

The father should let him ask what ever questions he wants now and as he grows older………he must be totally honest.

The XW should only consider her son now and what is best for him to grow into a good young man………XH has to have a relationship with son all on his own.

Civil parents and honesty is the best policy.

[JenniferMarsden]

Well, first off, infidelity is not such a nice thing to do...but I'm sure you know that. But I am very sorry that your ex has spilled the beans to his son, which is highly inappropriate. No one should bring a child into the middle of a parental dispute, especially to one of that magnitude.

[Civil]

Well, first off, infidelity is not such a nice thing to do...but I'm sure you know that. But I am very sorry that your ex has spilled the beans to his son, which is highly inappropriate. No one should bring a child into the middle of a parental dispute, especially to one of that magnitude.

 

No. It didn't happen that way. The BH did not inappropriately "spill the beans". His son came up with the infidelity scenario all on his own and accused his father. His father, the BH.

 

It is never, ever a good idea to gaslight a child. The damage goes deep and it lasts. And no, the issue is not a child's right to know about his parents' sex lives. It's a child's right to know the basic truths of his own family situation. Without that, he cannot feel any measure of security or trust.

 

I do agree that deliberately putting a child in the middle is out of bounds. As in the "ambush" at the son's school. It's easy to imagine that as one catalyst for the boy's conclusion that his father betrayed his mother. In any case, he should be encouraged to talk about it. It's the kind of thing that spins in a child's mind.

[JenniferMarsden]

You have a good point there. I do feel sorry for the boy though, but life happens and I am sure with some good therapy he will be alright. It wouldn't hurt if OP and him received therapy together, actually.

[road]

Well, first off, infidelity is not such a nice thing to do...but I'm sure you know that. But I am very sorry that your ex has spilled the beans to his son, which is highly inappropriate. No one should bring a child into the middle of a parental dispute, especially to one of that magnitude.

 

I disagree. To lie to one's child is wrong. Where is the UnLike button when you need one.

[JenniferMarsden]

There is a way to not lie to your child and still be able to be gentle about it. For example, the father could say, "Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore because she likes someone else and we decided to be friends." Or he could say, "Your mom is a filthy, lying, cheating whore and I left her." So no i do not think we should lie to our kids, but I DO THINK that we should be as gentle as we can while explaining. Like sure, ruin your kid with your drama, put the child first. Honestly, bringing a child into a dramatic situation is selfish. So be gentle when explaining big things like this. If the child is older, like a teenager, then yeah they can handle it better. Use your brains and common sense people.

[Spectre]

Stop piling on the husband. If the OP had not cheated there would be nothing left to tell. He had every right to inform your child, it sounds like he is at least a teenager.

 

Actions have consequences, don't turn this into making the H the bad guy for merely telling the truth about why the family was destroyed.

 

You don't get to get mad at other people for pointing out your shady behavior. Don't act shady in the first place and there won't be a problem.

[road]

"Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore because she likes someone else and we decided to be friends."

 

 

This is lying

 

 

"Your mom is a filthy, lying, cheating whore and I left her."

 

 

This not telling the truth it is attacking.

 

 

Telling the truth is for young kids that when married moms and dads do not have BF/GF.

 

 

Well mom has a BF and is going out on dates with _____________ (insert the OM's name).

 

 

When the kids are old enough to know what cheating is and an affair is the BH just says: mom is having an affair with ____________ (insert OM's name).

 

 

No dirt, no attacking, no rage, just calmly stating the facts to his children.

[Spectre]

That sounds well and good on paper, but there is this crazy thing where people who are betrayed in the worst possible way tend to not react rationally.

 

So gee, it's unfortunate if he didn't use the proper wording to tell his child about his mother betraying him. Maybe next time she cheats he can write a little speech and go over it with his unfaithful wife as to the best way to break her shady ways would be to their kids.

 

It's almost like this would be one of the exact reasons a person with children shouldn't be having affairs..because people don't react rationally to betrayal and kids get caught in the crossfire and that is 100% on the cheater. I can't blame him for not being calm when discussing this utter betrayal by the person he thought loved him the most. I blame her, 100% for that.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[masoj3k]

But I am very sorry that your ex has spilled the beans to his son, which is highly inappropriate. No one should bring a child into the middle of a parental dispute, especially to one of that magnitude.

There is a way to not lie to your child and still be able to be gentle about it. For example, the father could say, "Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore because she likes someone else and we decided to be friends."

 

But that is what the father did, the OP told us (see below). So the father did it in what I think was a very tactful way and you criticise him saying what he did was inappropriate?

 

What I came to know that when my son asked, H said that I "fell in love with someone else when he was small" but I came back. All these years I really tried to make things right again. But H couldn't cope with the problems anymore that arose when I "fell in love". He tried. But in the end it didn't work out. He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Well that reassuring, I guess!

[Spectre]

Uh wow if that is the way the father told him people need to be quiet about it then, he did it the RIGHT way and had every damn right to do it.

 

So in conclusion: woman cheated on the man she made her vows to. Man surprisingly couldn't deal with it, man told their child in a tactful and respectful way. The only person who did anything wrong is the OP. Hell give the husband a medal for even trying to make it work. Thank him for telling your kid in a tactful way. I am dead serious too: thank him for that. He could of been quite nasty about it, but he wasn't.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

He could of been quite nasty about it, but he wasn't.

 

Yep, it sounds like THIS BH chooses to have character no matter what those around him do, which is a sign of a mature grownup.

[Spectre]

Which honestly puzzles me why the topic was made since he did nothing wrong. I suppose the OP could of wanted to vent, so I will say this to her:

 

It is very unlikely your son will never forgive you..in time I think he will. However here comes the bad news: things will never be the same again. I realize this is hard to hear, but you need to be prepared for that. It's possible he will have triggers in the same way a person cheated on has triggers.

[Clay]

Yep, it sounds like THIS BH chooses to have character no matter what those around him do, which is a sign of a mature grownup.

 

This is the truth in this. So many people jumped on the band wagon that he was doing this to punish her. I think the truth of it was he just could not live with what she had done. Reconciling is not for everyone. I tried for years. I don't blame them for trying. Sure its easy to come here now as say they both could have done more but in truth we are not there and we do not know how things were between them after her affair. I think for me personally I would not have been able to even try with the kind of betrayal he suffered so he is clearly a stronger man than me.

 

I hope they both learn to be good Co Parents for there child's sake.

 

C

[Spectre]

I just think she should be very grateful he tried to make this work and was tactful about it. That is rare and it shows the kind of man he is and it shows why it probably hurts him so much you could do this to him because men that decent are rare and you know what turns them into d-bags? Getting cheated on.

[autumnnight]

Which honestly puzzles me why the topic was made since he did nothing wrong. I suppose the OP could of wanted to vent, so I will say this to her:

 

It is very unlikely your son will never forgive you..in time I think he will. However here comes the bad news: things will never be the same again. I realize this is hard to hear, but you need to be prepared for that. It's possible he will have triggers in the same way a person cheated on has triggers.

 

If her son is capable of being emotionally healthy and understanding that not only does every human on earth make bad choices, there is such a thing as redemption, he'll be fine.

 

If he is dysfunctional at 40 and still blaming her....he's got issues.

[autumnnight]

I just think she should be very grateful he tried to make this work and was tactful about it. That is rare and it shows the kind of man he is and it shows why it probably hurts him so much you could do this to him because men that decent are rare and you know what turns them into d-bags? Getting cheated on.

 

No, what turns them into dbags is they way THEY, separate grown humans, choose to deal with being cheated on and how long they choose to remain victims.

 

But you're right, men like the BH in this case are rare....very rare.

[Spectre]

If her son is capable of being emotionally healthy and understanding that not only does every human on earth make bad choices, there is such a thing as redemption, he'll be fine.

 

If he is dysfunctional at 40 and still blaming her....he's got issues.

 

I just don't think it's that simple though. Yes redemption does exist..but let me put it another way. Lets say you get a nasty cut on your arm..it is painful, but it eventually heals. However, your arm will never be the same..you will always have that scar there.

 

No, what turns them into dbags is they way THEY, separate grown humans, choose to deal with being cheated on and how long they choose to remain victims.

 

But you're right, men like the BH in this case are rare....very rare.

 

Like I said though it's not as simple as you make it out to be. Yes logically if one person cheats on you it has nothing to do with people you date in the future. However I think sometimes that people will get over the person that hurt them. When I say that I mean they will eventually stop loving them and move on, but the memory of that pain they caused still remains. You aren't mad at the specific person who hurt you...but you are terrified of feeling that pain again.

 

I'm not saying the person isn't also responsible for what they do, but everyone deals with trauma differently and emotional wounds are the hardest to heal.

[Lion Heart]

Hi remorseful

 

I'm not sure where things are at with the relationship with your son. An update?

 

You can't go back and re-do the way, time or structure of how the truth came out to your son. It's out now.

 

IMO you've got this window of opportunity to really "be there" for your son. You've had plenty of time to work things out about your affair. It's time to support your son. It may take 100x more effort from you than from his dad because of whatever feelings your son has towards each of you. It's now that you put in that effort. I'll suggest counselling for the 2 of you together so your son can let loose but it's your call. It may help.

 

I'll tell you that my father had an affair before, during and after the death of my baby brother then during the adoption of my next brother and after. He left us then our house burnt down literally. We were homeless and penniless. Father had cancelled the insurance. We lived in virtually abject poverty for years. My father lived a charmed life in a luxury home, car etc.

 

I would rather have lived with my mother through that than with a cheater on all levels like him.

 

I have zero respect for my WF.

 

But in retrospect maybe it was BECAUSE he showed no compassion for us and our situation. I honestly felt like he didn't love us to leave us then when I pieced together he'd had an affair with WSM, I felt betrayed. We were all betrayed.

 

^^^this is why I urge you as a mother myself to catch this time. Embrace this wholeheartedly and do and say as many of the "right" things as you can, as long as they're sincerely said. Yes you may need to moderate your words (pass them by a psych if you are nervous) but BE YOURSELF with your son.

 

I honestly believe my WF could have resurrected hope in me for a good father / daughter relationship but he didn't really try. He never ASKED what I needed (I NEEDED SHOES instead of rides in a canoe and so much more). It would've been really nice if one of my parents asked me how I felt.

 

Ask what your son needs. It may not be shoes! It may be the need to feel "heard".

There may be some ugly things that come out of his mouth but remember this is about YOUR SON.

 

10 years is my "batten down the hatches" for a teenager! You will have to work hard to EARN the respect back from your son in time.

 

The most humbling thing you could do is to admit fault. Admit the parts of your character that were lacking (at the time) and get hold of books that will help you develop strong character in your son. Tell him about the character traits and try earnestly to model them.

 

I'm sure your son knows you love him but reinforce this (because this news may have him question it I'm afraid) in any way you can. Work on HIS emotional bank account.

 

I truly hope your son can forgive you.

I hope you can forgive yourself.

This is the sad side of affairs.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Spectre]

Lion I have to say I disagree with some of your ideas. First off yes she has the opportunity to be there for her son, but I think she needs to let him come to her..don't force the situation or force him to talk about it. This is why I think having him go to counseling together with his unfaithful mother would be an epically bad idea.

 

It's hard to imagine any teenager that would respond positively to that suggestion or even willingly go, which means she'd have to force him to go..which is just going to make it worse.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Spectre