My son knows about my infidelity

[Andy L]

 

He understood that it would be better if we two separated. And that though those problem arose because of my actions, it wasn't my fault for the current divorce and that I really tried.

 

Then we started discussing about counseling options. He has not made the list of counselors yet but says by next Saturday he will prepare one.

 

 

Any news? Will you try counseling? I hope it works for your H.

 

all the best:cool:

[autumnnight]

I think the original statement was about respect. You can obey someone and yet not respect them.

I once tried to demand respect from a team I managed - it made me look like an idiot.

Future actions will determine if OP's son will respect his mother. I believe she's doing very well and has her head straight on.

 

I guess we can spend time splitting hairs.

 

For example, based on some of his actions, behavior, and lies, I do not have a lot of respect for our president as a person. However, because he IS our president, I DO respect the office and his position in that office.

 

I understand. There are more than a few people who think that once you have cheated no one should listen to you, even your own children.

[remorseful_tab]

Sorry guys for my disappearance

 

Nothing much has happened since last meeting between me, H and son. Son spent the weekend at H's. They did their things, sculling and all. They talked about school and other things. Son wanted to learn to ride the bike. H said absolutely not

 

H did find two counselors who counsels children going through divorce. We have fixed a meeting with one tomorrow and another one on Wednesday.

 

I picked son up from school today. When he was in his room, I went there. I sat down and asked him how was he. Then I thought about what you guys said and said to him I was sorry at what happened to our family because of my actions. I was stupid. I will never be able to make up to him what I did. But I will always be there for him. And I will try that his father is always there for him too. I love him and it won't ever change. I will never again hurt him like this again. I started crying. He came and gave me a hug. When I saw his face, his eyes were glistening too. I kissed his forehead.

 

After that I left the room not to make things more embarassing.

 

He is a good boy. I am proud of him.

[SoulStorm]

Sorry guys for my disappearance

 

Nothing much has happened since last meeting between me, H and son. Son spent the weekend at H's. They did their things, sculling and all. They talked about school and other things. Son wanted to learn to ride the bike. H said absolutely not

 

H did find two counselors who counsels children going through divorce. We have fixed a meeting with one tomorrow and another one on Wednesday.

 

I picked son up from school today. When he was in his room, I went there. I sat down and asked him how was he. Then I thought about what you guys said and said to him I was sorry at what happened to our family because of my actions. I was stupid. I will never be able to make up to him what I did. But I will always be there for him. And I will try that his father is always there for him too. I love him and it won't ever change. I will never again hurt him like this again. I started crying. He came and gave me a hug. When I saw his face, his eyes were glistening too. I kissed his forehead.

 

After that I left the room not to make things more embarassing.

 

He is a good boy. I am proud of him.

 

 

Glad that everything is working out between you and your son. This is a valuable lesson to anyone who gets into an affair. You not only hurt your spouse, but everyone in your immediate and extended family. Affairs my be selfish.. but the collateral damage isn't.

[remorseful_tab]

What I think is scary in all of this is that I found out that our son totally takes after his father.

 

He too bottles his emotions like his father. A "bottler".

 

It was only because of his young age that he erupted within 6 days. Had he been a little older, he could have completely bottled his disdain for me for years.

[TX-SC]

There is good and bad in everyone. Sometimes our children will mimic our actions, sometimes not. Men often bottle our emotions so as to show that we are dependable and not prone to quick, emotional decisions. Lets not be too harsh in our judgement of how bad it is that he takes after dad. I think mom may have some flaws too. Lets hope he didn't inherit some of those.

[SoulStorm]

What I think is scary in all of this is that I found out that our son totally takes after his father.

 

He too bottles his emotions like his father. A "bottler".

 

It was only because of his young age that he erupted within 6 days. Had he been a little older, he could have completely bottled his disdain for me for years.

 

 

Yes. This is true. You are most fortunate in that aspect.

[SoulStorm]

You will find that most men "bottle" emotions in an attempt not to appear weak. What woman wants a man that cries and gets more emotional than she does?

[remorseful_tab]

You will find that most men "bottle" emotions in an attempt not to appear weak. What woman wants a man that cries and gets more emotional than she does?

 

I disagree. Not true for every women. Some women really like men who can cry, then stand up and fight for what they feel is right.

 

But for me, men that avoids confrontation or always says yes to please are a turn off. I would rather like my man to stand up for me when someone is bothering me or better even, stand up to me and point me what I am doing wrong.

 

My H has the latter quality but not the previous.

[TX-SC]

I disagree. Not true for every women. Some women really like men who can cry, then stand up and fight for what they feel is right.

 

But for me, men that avoids confrontation or always says yes to please are a turn off. I would rather like my man to stand up for me when someone is bothering me or better even, stand up to me and point me what I am doing wrong.

 

My H has the latter quality but not the previous.

 

That's your preference, but by no means mimics all women. Some women can't stand to have a husband who cries. I, in fact, dated several. So, it isn't a horrible trait for your son to have, assuming he finds the right spouse.

[remorseful_tab]

There is good and bad in everyone. Sometimes our children will mimic our actions, sometimes not. Men often bottle our emotions so as to show that we are dependable and not prone to quick, emotional decisions. Lets not be too harsh in our judgement of how bad it is that he takes after dad. I think mom may have some flaws too. Lets hope he didn't inherit some of those.

 

I think thats a hidden jab at my biggest character flaw.

 

I hope and pray that my son turns out to be a better human than me.

[TX-SC]

I think thats a hidden jab at my biggest character flaw.

 

I hope and pray that my son turns out to be a better human than me.

 

It may seem like it, but that wasn't the intention. As I said, we ALL have flaws. When we have children, we hope and pray that they inherit only the good things and not the flaws. Unfortunately, that's rarely the case. I see infidelity as a choice and not a flaw. You made a bad choice and must live with it. Your son will have similar choices to make.

 

We all want our children to be better adapted than we are. It's part of being a parent. Don't paint your husband's bottling as an inherent flaw and "scary" though. Some people thrive like that.

[turnera]

What I think is scary in all of this is that I found out that our son totally takes after his father.

 

He too bottles his emotions like his father. A "bottler".

 

It was only because of his young age that he erupted within 6 days. Had he been a little older, he could have completely bottled his disdain for me for years.

 

Perhaps. But you also showed him, taught him, that expressing your feelings, being honest, baring your soul brings about good feelings, too. He might tend toward your way moving forward.

[remorseful_tab]

Perhaps. But you also showed him, taught him, that expressing your feelings, being honest, baring your soul brings about good feelings, too. He might tend toward your way moving forward.

 

I doubt that it will happen with one talk. But lets see if he opens up to his feelings in front of a counselor.

[SoulStorm]

That's your preference, but by no means mimics all women. Some women can't stand to have a husband who cries. I, in fact, dated several. So, it isn't a horrible trait for your son to have, assuming he finds the right spouse.

 

I agree with this. My wife does not like a man who cries unless it's truly warranted (deaths or of some kind of loss).. She sees it as being weak. I know that there are women out there who may like emotional men, but these men sometime tend to be too emotional. I agree there is nothing wrong with being sensitive, but it has it's place with men.

[sandylee1]

That's good news about your son. Kids appreciate apologies and you can see he loves you with the hug he gave.

 

The good thing is while you were together, he didn't see constant fights and arguments like some couples. Not couples who sleep in seperate rooms and can't stand each other. He saw happy parents.

 

Even as your getting divorced, you're still working together as parents and your son can also see that.

 

Who knows what the future will bring.

[Horton]

So is it your contention that when a parent makes a poor choice, their children no longer have to obey them?

 

No that's not my position, I could see how you might think that's what I meant without the full context though. I was responding to this point made by another poster.

 

"a parent's relationship with their child isn't based on their sex life with the spouse or other folks. so even if you do lie to your kid about the affair - your relationship with the said kid STILL won't be based on a lie because... again - who you f&ck has nothing to do with your parent & child relationship."

 

My point was that this notion that who a parent sleeps with is somehow irrelevant in regards to their relationship with their children is patently false, proven by the fact that this particular child no longer has an intact family due to who his parent chose to have relations with. Unfortunately her son has reaped what she and her AP sowed. He's now aware of that fact, so he's understandably upset about the unfairness of it all(who could blame him?) That doesn't mean that he gets to walk all over his mom for the rest of her life, but I think he's entitled to his frustrations given the circumstances and I believe he'll need a healthy outlet for dealing with them, otherwise he will be even more susceptible to the typical hazards of youth IMO.

 

This is why I cautioned against her being overly authoritarian in the immediate aftermath of the child finding out, as some were suggesting. Imagine if a kid was sitting down innocently watching spongebob, just enjoying his little life and his mom suddenly rips the bowl of cheerios out of his hands and dumps them all over his head. I know it's not the greatest analogy ever, but my point is you wouldn't counsel such a person to swiftly reestablish their rightful place as that child's authority figure without going through some kind of 'healing process'. So why should a parent whose selfish actions hurt their child so deeply not eat just a little humble pie for a while? Not abdicating their role as the parent, or allowing themselves to be abused, but simply being understanding of the tension their own actions created.

[autumnnight]

I agree, and it sounds like remorseful is doing that AND that her BH is stepping up with character also.

[minimariah]

My point was that this notion that who a parent sleeps with is somehow irrelevant in regards to their relationship with their children is patently false, proven by the fact that this particular child no longer has an intact family due to who his parent chose to have relations with.

 

he has an intact family -- they are all alive and well, aren't they...?

 

i'm really sorry... but i don't buy the perfect marriage story prior to the affair and the affair happening out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.

 

marriages don't fall apart BECAUSE of an affair and the affair is never the cause - the cause is much deeper and it was there prior to the affair. the affair is almost always a consequence of something rotten in the relationship, something that was there long before the affair had happened. if anything - their marriage fell apart because clearly they didn't work good as a couple (for this or that reason).

 

so yeah - i will respectfully disagree with you, reject your "facts" & stand by my statement that the OP's sex life is absolutely NONE of her child's business. her relationship with her child is based on something else entirely, as it should be

Edited September 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HereNorThere]

he has an intact family -- they are all alive and well, aren't they...?

 

i'm really sorry... but i don't buy the perfect marriage story prior to the affair and the affair happening out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.

 

marriages don't fall apart BECAUSE of an affair and the affair is never the cause - the cause is much deeper and it was there prior to the affair. the affair is almost always a consequence of something rotten in the relationship, something that was there long before the affair had happened. if anything - their marriage fell apart because clearly they didn't work good as a couple (for this or that reason).

 

so yeah - i will respectfully disagree with you, reject your "facts" & stand by my statement that the OP's sex life is absolutely NONE of her child's business. her relationship with her child is based on something else entirely, as it should be

 

No, his happy home has split into two homes. He has to live with going back and forth and has higher risk risk factors for all sorts of things. It's hard for a person his age to totally remap their idea of life, love, families, etc. It proven that divorce is very, very hard on children. How has his family been broken? When he's goes home, he's either missing a father or a mother. It's a simple as that.

 

 

People cheat for a sorts of reason. By all accounts, OP was in a typical marriage and just got selfish and bored. She could have worked on it, but instead she traded it all for a cheap thrill. I bet she would take it back if she could, but it's too late. Justifing her cheating based on the state of her marriage is victim blaming. She could just as easily put that energy into working on her relationship with her husband and child.

 

OPs actual sex life none of his business, but once her actions started effecting the child, she at least has a responsibility to be honest as to why the divorce was happening. She doesn't have to mention sex to tell her child she caused the divorced by starting a new relationship.

[m.snow]

marriages don't fall apart BECAUSE of an affair and the affair is never the cause - the cause is much deeper and it was there prior to the affair. the affair is almost always a consequence of something rotten in the relationship, something that was there long before the affair had happened. if anything - their marriage fell apart because clearly they didn't work good as a couple (for this or that reason).

 

i respectfully disagree with you, most affairs just happen and it does not have to be a bad marriage. for affairs to happen.

 

people will always be subject to "temptation". most if not all affairs occur due to "temptation" and not because of a bad marriage.

 

also because most affairs don't have emotional connection.

[purplesorrow]

he has an intact family -- they are all alive and well, aren't they...?

 

i'm really sorry... but i don't buy the perfect marriage story prior to the affair and the affair happening out of the blue for no reason whatsoever.

 

marriages don't fall apart BECAUSE of an affair and the affair is never the cause - the cause is much deeper and it was there prior to the affair. the affair is almost always a consequence of something rotten in the relationship, something that was there long before the affair had happened. if anything - their marriage fell apart because clearly they didn't work good as a couple (for this or that reason).

 

so yeah - i will respectfully disagree with you, reject your "facts" & stand by my statement that the OP's sex life is absolutely NONE of her child's business. her relationship with her child is based on something else entirely, as it should be

 

This is not everyone's situation. That may have been your experience but it doesn't fit for everyone.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry you are both hurting so much- I know it sounds cliche but give him time to process this in his own way- he will come around-

[Sub]

so yeah - i will respectfully disagree with you, reject your "facts" & stand by my statement that the OP's sex life is absolutely NONE of her child's business. her relationship with her child is based on something else entirely, as it should be

 

It's not the actual sex that's the child's business. It's the time spent with someone outside of the family to have the sex that is. It's not just about the physical act. My WW missed various experiences with our son because she was with the OM. Those times matter, IMO.

[gettingstronger]

It's not the actual sex that's the child's business. It's the time spent with someone outside of the family to have the sex that is. It's not just about the physical act. My WW missed various experiences with our son because she was with the OM. Those times matter, IMO.

 

Agree and it is the betrayal of the family values and trust- I know for us, we always taught our kids to be honest- I know that they feel their Dad let them down-