My son knows about my infidelity

[remorseful_tab]

It's WUOTE=sandylee1;6529088]I'm willing to bet it's a ploy for the ex to get custody by trying to get his son against his mother. If he wanted the son to know the truth, he would have acted like a grown up and told the OP first. Her affair was years ago. If her ex wasn't trying to hurt her then why did he decide to tell their son now and not years ago. I don't buy it. IMHO, it is alienation of affection and he had no damn right to put his child in the middle. OP you are better off without your ex. Stop focusing your energy on tryinv to get him back. He's out for blood! Protect yourself!!!

 

My son is soon to be 11. If my H decided to tell our son when I was dicovered, he was only 2.5. Do you think I 2.5 yr old would have understood what was being said?

[minimariah]

My H said he will make a list of counselors who deals with children going through divorces and share the list with me. Then we can visit every one on the and then decide which one to select.

 

sweetie, forget about your STBXH. take control over your own relationship with your kid. YOU look up counselors and YOU take care of it. work on your relationship with your child, his relationship with his dad is none of your concern. remove the focus from the husband - put it on the kid and you.

 

and do not let that man do your job instead of you - he won't do it the right way. again, keep in mind that this man does not wish you well and he doesn't have your best interests in mind.

 

he really handled it super poorly, i wouldn't expect anything from him in regards to clearing things up with your kid. he can't and doesn't know how to do it, obviously - so in no way, DO NOT let that issue be discused with your H.

 

YOU deal with it. you and your son and nobody else.

[sandylee1]

using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

 

Minimariah,

 

I usually agree with you, but not on this point.

 

One would have to prove intent and from how he described it, I'm not sure you could. Any form of legal action would almost certainly be the nail in the coffin for the RT and her son's relationship. To him it will look like "dad told the truth and now your doing this."

 

RT should tell the truth about the reasons for the A?....

 

The whole truth? That she didn't take well to pregnancy and being a new mum...then the son will blame himself.

 

That dad wasn't as good in bed as her AP? As confirmed in the email.

That the OM was a scumbag who RT later said used her for sex ?......

 

Anything she says will sound like an excuse/blameshifting and the son will see through that.

 

She is his mother, but when she sees him angry all the time at her house, what do you think is going to happen.....

 

There'll be no winners in court and RT could come out of it MUCH worse.

 

I don't recall that the H was so bad that he caused her to cheat from the initial thread...I may have missed it.

[remorseful_tab]

When H decided to separate, we sad down the day before he was about to leave. H told him that we were having problems. Those problem has been for years. And so we decided to divorce. I remembering feeling how I was holding back the tears and was telling in my mind that "It not we, its you who has decided to divorce".

 

Son naturally asked what were the problems. He said they were things he wouldn't understand. But we both loved him dearly and it will not change.

 

Things became very uncomfortable for the rest of the conversation. Our son was asking various questions. And H was answering and I chipped in too. Regardless to say he shut himself in his room for the rest of the night and wouldn't even come out for dinner. He didn't eat that night.

 

Even next day he wouldn't come out before H was leaving.

[minimariah]

RT has explained and it was as I said in my first post. The son was asking questions......which is not unusual. He was directly asked if he cheated on mum.....I guess he could have lied about why they split.....but sometimes people decide enough lies have been told.

 

sometimes you need to think about your kid 1st and act like a grownup.

 

he was asking the questions - the dad couldn't say something along these lines... "hey buddy, that's a hard convo... can you maybe wait until tomorrow so both me and mom can talk about it with you? we will answer any questions you have." then he could have called the OP & they could have agreed on what is to be said.

 

everyone always talk about the amazing truth... you should think about your kid 1st. this big truth everyone likes to talk about, in reality, has 0 to do with their child's well being. believe that.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Now, everyone raises their kids differently, but if I were to leave, I would tell my boys why.

 

First, they are 11 and 12 and old enough to understand what cheating is. Although I would probably tell them "Mom wanted to be with someone else" instead of saying " she cheated on me"

 

Second, I can see why a man would tell his son.

 

Because:

 

a) When kids divorce, most children ( especially boys ) tend to aim their anger and frustration at the father. Dad always seems to get the lion's share of the blame, and unless mom is an incorrigible crack whore, boys ( good ones anyway ) tend to defend and protect their mothers. This is life, although very unfair to us fathers.

 

and

 

b) There is a lesson in there. Son...when a woman does that to you...you find another one. You don't put up with that.

 

Personally, I was in my late 20s when I found out why my parents actually split up. My mom cheated. Whattayaknow? All this time I was pissed at my father. Live and learn. I wish I knew way earlier what the deal was.

[DKT3]

using the truth to damage your kid's relationship with their parent is a definition of parental alienation - the courts don't care about the truth, they care about the part where the truth you're telling is hurting your kid.

 

she should apologize but she should be real about it - keeping his dad blameless and putting the entire blame on herself isn't it. why not tell the WHOLE truth...? clearly there was a reason she cheated and clearly she was getting something from the AP that she wasn't getting from the STBXH (his fault or not).

 

OP - tell him the entire truth. WHY you cheated, how wrong it was, that it had happened with a reason and that BOTH of you and your STBXH are to blame for the marriage ending. do not let him make a saint out of your STBXH while demonizing the hell out of you at the same time. contact your lawyer as fast as you can, i assume your soon to be ex has a plan of his own.

 

from my experience - just apologizing won't be enough, especially if your soon to be ex keeps this up.

 

Wow, you are clearly clueless about how these things happen. Dealing with your kids anger is hard, having them blame you while you knowing it wasn't you that cheated. I was able to hold the truth under the questions I totally understand how one could let it out.

 

We try to protect the kids, but kids aren't stupid, just small. This isn't a pissing contest, her flaming her husband does nothing to help the child heal.

[remorseful_tab]

sweetie, forget about your STBXH. take control over your own relationship with your kid. YOU look up counselors and YOU take care of it. work on your relationship with your child, his relationship with his dad is none of your concern. remove the focus from the husband - put it on the kid and you.

You do realize that what you are asking may soon turn into a tug of war for our son? And then to a very ugly divorce?

 

and do not let that man do your job instead of you - he won't do it the right way. again, keep in mind that this man does not wish you well and he doesn't have your best interests in mind.

 

How do you know this? My H has kept up whatever agreement we made unofficially throughout this ongoing divorce process. I don't want to derail this civility but breaking an agreement to search for a counselor together

 

he really handled it super poorly, i wouldn't expect anything from him in regards to clearing things up with your kid. he can't and doesn't know how to do it, obviously - so in no way, DO NOT let that issue be discused with your H.

I agree with the bolded part but I have to give him one benefit of doubt? And how do you know my H can't make a list of decent counselors?

[minimariah]

One would have to prove intent and from how he described it, I'm not sure you could. Any form of legal action would almost certainly be the nail in the coffin for the RT and her son's relationship.

 

the intent is clear -- no one is telling their kid about the other parent affair on accident. even if there was no intent - the father didn't recognize the damage that the "truth" would have done to the kid which is bad parenting.

 

and you actually can win a case & sole custody based on this. asbolutely.

you don't even have to prove the intent.

 

she should fight for her kid and prevent the father for even greater parental alienation. he'll thank her later for it & realize how wrong the dad was when he's older.

[minimariah]

I don't want to derail this civility...

 

don't you think the civility had already been derailed...? MANY times? you're trying so hard to crawl back into your H's good graces and to keep him in any way you can that you forget to protect yourself.

 

i wouldn't trust your STBXH if i were you.

[Satu]

Snip

 

*I am certainly not going to tell my son the reasons you stated why I had the affair and what I got out of it and how because it was my H's inability to give me something.

 

Thank you

 

You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

Any explanation beyond that is just justification and blame-shifting.

[Buckeye2]

OP - call your H & tell him that you'll sue if this repeats even once again.

 

slander

1. The action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.
    
    
    
    
   

You can't sue for slander if it's true.

[TX-SC]

Most BS will tell you that no matter how much the cheating hurt, it's the lies and deceit that hurts the worst. I too have an 11 year old and yes they are old enough at that age to hear the truth. He would eventually learn the truth and when he does, it's the lying that he would hate you for. It is apparent that he was having some thoughts that his dad was to blame for the divorce. No, that was 100% YOUR fault for cheating.

 

How about stop the lying to your son. Like I said earlier, own what you did and stop lying about it to your son. If you own it, he can talk to you about it and the pain will ease. Now that he knows, just give him space and answer his questions TRUTHFULLY.

[remorseful_tab]

Snip

 

 

 

You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

Any explanation beyond that is just justification and blame-shifting.

 

WTF dude? I just said in the same post I did it because I was selfish?

 

What are you truing to do? Shame me more?

[Dutchman1]

I belief your stbxh just simply had enough of being a pawn in this charade.

Your son asked and was given the truth.

He told you he was going to stay with his dad, you told us he's a smart boy.

Better give him the truth without the raunchy bits.

 

Sorry, it was your Itch witch made you open your....for the turd that caused this. Not your stbxh.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[minimariah]

Wow, you are clearly clueless about how these things happen.

 

i am, asbolutely.

 

it's pretty incredible how poorly many parents handle their children's grief when it comes to divorce. it's even more incredible how the OP's STBXH thought his son was totally okay because he "seemed that way" after dropping a bomb that huge.

 

Dealing with your kids anger is hard, having them blame you while you knowing it wasn't you that cheated. I was able to hold the truth under the questions I totally understand how one could let it out.

 

you let it out when your ego gets in the way. of you're more than 18 - you should know better. so there is absolutely no excuse.

 

like someone said - the OP had cheated and she should own it. her STBXH handled it extremely poorly and he should own it.

 

and all of this was almost a DECADE ago... talk about poor coping skills.

[Sastrugi]

don't you think the civility had already been derailed...? MANY times? you're trying so hard to crawl back into your H's good graces and to keep him in any way you can that you forget to protect yourself.

 

i wouldn't trust your STBXH if i were you.

 

Lord above minimariah... get off your soapbox and stop projecting onto OP.

Go Back and read OP's post a couple of times. Hope it sinks in.

 

What you are suggesting is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Even OP noted this.

 

Damn... this is so tough, don't suggest actions that will only make it worse.

OP has plenty of recourse if things escalate, which I do not think will happen. OP understands this.

[minimariah]

You can't sue for slander if it's true.

 

but you can sue for parental alienation.

look that up.

[sandylee1]

the intent is clear -- no one is telling their kid about the other parent affair on accident. even if there was no intent - the father didn't recognize the damage that the "truth" would have done to the kid which is bad parenting.

 

and you actually can win a case & sole custody based on this. asbolutely.

you don't even have to prove the intent.

 

she should fight for her kid and prevent the father for even greater parental alienation. he'll thank her later for it & realize how wrong the dad was when he's older.

 

Minimariah

 

I think although RT isn't happy her son was told...she knows not to make it worse with trying to act like the parent who knows it all.

 

Lots of kids have no issue with the cheating parent....even when they the spouse for the AP.

 

Sorry, but your advice would cause WW3.

[minimariah]

Sorry, but your advice would cause WW3.

 

unfortunately - i think the WW3 is inevitable because the worst is yet to come... let's hope i'm dead wrong on this one and the kid eventually calms down.

[Buckeye2]

Wow, you are clearly clueless about how these things happen. Dealing with your kids anger is hard, having them blame you while you knowing it wasn't you that cheated. I was able to hold the truth under the questions I totally understand how one could let it out.

 

I agree. In general, if you can manage it, it's better for the WS to be the one to tell the kids or the BS and WS together.

[autumnnight]

I'm sorry, but I think your husband did what had to be done. His son was asking hard questions and it appears that he was THINKING that his dad had cheated on his mom. I think his son has a right to know and his dad had a right to defend his own position.

 

You cheated. Own it.

 

She has owned the cheating. She is still his mother, and he still needs to respect and obey her. Period.

[hyrule]

sweetie, forget about your STBXH. take control over your own relationship with your kid. YOU look up counselors and YOU take care of it. work on your relationship with your child, his relationship with his dad is none of your concern. remove the focus from the husband - put it on the kid and you.

 

and do not let that man do your job instead of you - he won't do it the right way. again, keep in mind that this man does not wish you well and he doesn't have your best interests in mind.

 

Wow, so much effort to blame her husband...

 

You can't give this kind of advice, he's still the boy's father and he has EVERY right to say his opinions about counselors, doctors, teachers or whatever it is.

 

he really handled it super poorly, i wouldn't expect anything from him in regards to clearing things up with your kid. he can't and doesn't know how to do it, obviously - so in no way, DO NOT let that issue be discused with your H.

 

YOU deal with it. you and your son and nobody else.

 

Have you HONESTLY read what she said?

 

Stop trying to blame her husband, the fault was on both parts and you need to think about what advice you give around here. Your suggested actions will clearly lead to a tug-o-war between the parents.

 

They are handling the separation well and keeping conversations, don't make it get worse.

[Satu]

WTF dude? I just said in the same post I did it because I was selfish?

 

What are you truing to do? Shame me more?

 

Make your mind up.

 

In post #23 of this thread, you said it was "because you husband didn't give you something."

[autumnnight]

Suing is unnecessary and ridiculous.

 

Right or wrong, I understand why the BH told his son.

 

The issue is: this son now believes he does not have to obey or respect his mother in her role as his mother. No rational or logical person would say that it is fine for this son to ignore his mothers instructions and rules. Anyone who DID think she cheated 8 years ago=son doesn't have to respect her authority has some serious projection and parenting issues.