I am so lost and alone

[autumnnight]

I strongly disagree, her cheating has nothing to do with the state of the relationship, its merely justification that in her mind made it ok at the time. She isn't taking 100% ownership.

 

So what I'm hearing you say is, if my SO has sex with me once a week and complains about me hanging out with my friends that she shares the blame for me getting in bed with another woman because the relationship isn't really working for me, I need sex 3x a week and not to hear her nag? Now go ahead and spin that one.

 

That is actually not what she is saying, but I've travelled this pointless and hyperbole-laden road often, so I'm not going to attempt it again.

[Star lights]

Sorry I meant that I couldn't predict what was going to happen not that I could.

 

I really do accept this100%, I would never allow him to take any blame for this but we do need to work on underlying issues in order to move forward and I had to be honest about how I felt, That is the only way we can both share a relationship that works

[understand50]

Sorry I meant that I couldn't predict what was going to happen not that I could.

 

I really do accept this100%, I would never allow him to take any blame for this but we do need to work on underlying issues in order to move forward and I had to be honest about how I felt, That is the only way we can both share a relationship that works

 

Star,

 

I am glad it worked out for you. You have his "gift" of a second chance. Remember, what he has done for you, gotten past his pain and hurt to see that "something " in you he can love. He is a strong and compassionate man.

 

Be worthy of it.

 

Read the top post that is pined to the "infidelity" board. It will give you some ideas to move forward for both you and him. Follow the advise, it will help. Remember to take what works for you and yours.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Please keep posting, and I would also think you should reread what you wrote here. Remind yourself of where you were, and how you do not want to be back there - Ever.

 

I wish you and your "love", the best of luck.

[drifter777]

...

he has decided to try and forgive me. He has agreed to start coming to church with me and has realised that because we only see eachother for a limited time every month...we need to spend that time as a couple and not with his friends (he is a very selfish person so this will be very tough for him)

 

This is rug-sweeping and will collapse at some point. You can avoid a hellish couple of years if you just end the relationship now and move on. You want to experience other men and feel both entitled and compelled to do it. He is going to suffer from knowing you screwed other men as soon as you were out on your own "vacation". He will be unhappy, irritable, and downright mean to you at random times. You will feel deprived of the happiness and freedom you felt having fun and hooking up with random guys. Your statement about him being "a very selfish person" is very revealing of your true feelings about him and the relationship. End it now for both of your sakes.

[Star lights]

Star,

 

I am glad it worked out for you. You have his "gift" of a second chance. Remember, what he has done for you, gotten past his pain and hurt to see that "something " in you he can love. He is a strong and compassionate man.

 

Be worthy of it.

 

Read the top post that is pined to the "infidelity" board. It will give you some ideas to move forward for both you and him. Follow the advise, it will help. Remember to take what works for you and yours.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Please keep posting, and I would also think you should reread what you wrote here. Remind yourself of where you were, and how you do not want to be back there - Ever.

 

I wish you and your "love", the best of luck.

 

Thank you so much, you have really helped me...I will take the time to read that post, it will be a tough road but I think we will get there. He is a great person for forgiving me and I couldn't be more grateful. Your advice and everyone elses has helped so much. I will keep posting and hopefully help others with my experiences as you have helped me.

 

?

[Star lights]

This is rug-sweeping and will collapse at some point. You can avoid a hellish couple of years if you just end the relationship now and move on. You want to experience other men and feel both entitled and compelled to do it. He is going to suffer from knowing you screwed other men as soon as you were out on your own "vacation". He will be unhappy, irritable, and downright mean to you at random times. You will feel deprived of the happiness and freedom you felt having fun and hooking up with random guys. Your statement about him being "a very selfish person" is very revealing of your true feelings about him and the relationship. End it now for both of your sakes.

 

I don't feel as though I want other men now. I wouldn't want to be just another notch to anymore men

 

He is a selfish person...he is the first to admit it and his admittance of that was something I fell in love with...he doesn't sugar coat anything but he would give me the world, I was just to blind to see it before.

 

He may hate me and never get over this. I may waste a year or two but if I feel that my happiness is compromised then I won't stay, I am somehow stronger than I was before...I'm even standing up to my own emotions now which I couldn't do before. I owe it to myself and him to try surely.

[DKT3]

Well, SHE IS to blame.

They are both RESPONSIBLE.

That is what she was pointing out.

 

There are circumstances which lead to women cheating, just as there are circumstances which lead to MEN cheating.

These circumstances and reasons for them, differ wildly, but they all mean one thing: Someone cheats because there is a dysfunction or anomaly within the relationship and BOTH parties are responsible for the relationship.

She is not blaming him, neither is she including him in her blame. She is merely outlining how certain incidences within THEIR relationship affected her negatively.

There is no excuse for cheating, and she has accepted 100% of that.

But as to the state, condition and 'dysfunction' within the relationship - that IS on both of them.

 

This - I totally agree with.

 

To quote Will Smith (Hitch) "this is what makes relationships so gawd damn hard"

 

Men and women tend to look at this from different angles. What I'm hearing her say is "if he was better then this wouldn't have happened" and as we dig to the bottom of what she is saying that is what she is saying.

 

The cheating happened because those things made it ok in her mind or allowed her to say WTF I deserve this. That isn't a result of a bad relationship, and the cheating happened because she didn't / wouldn't have that tough conversation that she had after the cheating.

 

You ladies may, no you will disagree. However the situation I presented is the same, me not getting what I needed from the relationship didn't give me the green light to bed several women. It created the need to have a tough talk, one that people tend to avoid. So instead I seek out instant gradifacation, which has nothing to do with the state of the marriage but my poor skills in dealing with a bad relationship.

[anika99]

Well, SHE IS to blame.

They are both RESPONSIBLE.

That is what she was pointing out.

 

There are circumstances which lead to women cheating, just as there are circumstances which lead to MEN cheating.

These circumstances and reasons for them, differ wildly, but they all mean one thing: Someone cheats because there is a dysfunction or anomaly within the relationship and BOTH parties are responsible for the relationship.

She is not blaming him, neither is she including him in her blame. She is merely outlining how certain incidences within THEIR relationship affected her negatively.

There is no excuse for cheating, and she has accepted 100% of that.

But as to the state, condition and 'dysfunction' within the relationship - that IS on both of them.

 

This - I totally agree with.

 

 

They have only been together for a year. If a relationship is making you so unhappy within the first year that you are driven to cheat, why even be in the relationship to begin with? I would never reconcile with someone who cheated that soon into the relationship. When there is no marriage, no kids, no history, it just makes more sense to cut ones losses and get out of it. I don't know what her BF is thinking.

 

 

There are no circumstances here that led to her cheating. If she was the one who was unhappy it was her job to vocalize that a long time ago. Again why cheat on someone you have only been with for a year? Why didn't she speak up or just leave him? The relationship circumstances are not what led her to cheat, her poor coping mechanism is what led her to cheat.

[aliveagain]

Please don't have unprotected sex with him until you get tested for all STD's and that includes herpes. Give him the proof that you have done this even if you used protection, protection does nothing if you performed oral on each other, exchanged saliva or had finger insertion. You had sex with three different men, your risk jumped over 300%. He needs proof because your word right now isn't enough to make him feel safe. Taking this action will go a long way to doing just that. Make it about him, your trip as wonderful as it was for you will be a damnation and one of the worst memories he has of your relationship, a memory he may never get over. Don't make the mistake of hanging trinkets of your trip all over the house, these are triggers for him that he may not know he has. There is only one true answer as to why you cheated, because you wanted to.

Edited July 29, 2015 by aliveagain

[Star lights]

We could sit here and argue the same point all day, I know I'm to blame and you know I'm to blame, I don't understand how we are all trying to disagree/agree with the exact same point...I am 100% wrong and I blame no one for my actions other than myself...I don't know why I can't make that clear I must be wording it wrong. I blame myself for this 100% no questions asked.

 

Yes we have only been together for a year but we have moved quite quickly in that year...more so than my 5 year relationship.

 

We love each other, we share a home, we share bills, we share a car, we have already had some tough times and some fantastic times, we have been tested and we have (before this) worked together as a team. I suffer from depression and anxiety and when he started working away I began to suffer a little more then I have in a while and this was when our relationship suffered so yes we have only been a year but a lot has happened in that year to bind us.

[Star lights]

Please don't have unprotected sex with him until you get tested for all STD's and that includes herpes. Give him the proof that you have done this even if you used protection, protection does nothing if you performed oral on each other, exchanged saliva or had finger insertion. You had sex with three different men, your risk jumped over 300%. He needs proof because your word right now isn't enough to make him feel safe. Taking this action will go a long way to doing just that. Make it about him, your trip as wonderful as it was for you will be a damnation and one of the worst memories he has of your relationship, a memory he may never get over. Don't make the mistake of hanging trinkets of your trip all over the house, these are triggers for him that he may not know he has. There is only one true answer as to why you cheated, because you wanted to.

 

Yes thank you. I have made an appointment for Monday and then I will have a 6 week and a 6 month check up.

Yes I have read about triggers and I am so scared to see him have one knowing that I have caused it, I just need to show him he is loved and this will never happen again, hopefully that will make the triggers slightly easier.

 

Any tips on how to handle these would be appreciated?

[drifter777]

I don't feel as though I want other men now. I wouldn't want to be just another notch to anymore men

 

You mean right this minute? Or for the past week or two while all of this has been going on? You've been terrified at the thought of losing this selfish man and done everything you could to patch things up. Give it a month - you'll be fondly remembering the sex on the boat and begin to crave it.

We love each other, we share a home, we share bills, we share a car, we have already had some tough times and some fantastic times, we have been tested and we have (before this) worked together as a team. I suffer from depression and anxiety and when he started working away I began to suffer a little more then I have in a while and this was when our relationship suffered so yes we have only been a year but a lot has happened in that year to bind us.

Yes. Life is difficult and relationships are even more difficult. And now you are going to add cheating to all of these issues. It's your decision and you've clearly made it - good luck.

[Hope Shimmers]

What TaraMaiden is saying is being misunderstood.

 

She is NOT saying that making the choice to have an affair is anyone else's fault except the person who makes that choice. What she IS saying is that people do make these choices when the relationship is not meeting the needs of the person who is cheating. And the issues in the relationship are on BOTH people. Unless I read her post incorrectly, she did not say that excused the behavior.

 

To use an example, if a wife is refusing sex to her husband and he decides to get it elsewhere, it's still 100% on him that he had the affair, BUT the relationship dysfunction that led to the (poor) decision is on both of them (well mainly on her in this case).

[TaraMaiden2]

Men and women tend to look at this from different angles. What I'm hearing her say is "if he was better then this wouldn't have happened" and as we dig to the bottom of what she is saying that is what she is saying.

Then your 'hearing' is either faulty, or you are seeing this from such a different angle your glasses must be prisms!

 

 

The cheating happened because those things made it ok in her mind or allowed her to say WTF I deserve this.

Yes. That's where the 'blame' comes in. With you so far...

 

That isn't a result of a bad relationship, and the cheating happened because she didn't / wouldn't have that tough conversation that she had after the cheating.

It's the result of poor or inadequate 2-way communication, and an inability to either speak on a constructive level, or speaking, but not being heard or acknowledged. Remember a 'tough conversation' takes two...

 

You ladies may, no you will disagree.

I disagree because you have misunderstood me.

 

However the situation I presented is the same, me not getting what I needed from the relationship didn't give me the green light to bed several women.

And again, that's where the 'blame' comes in (which the OP fully acknowledges so I am not having a go at her, here....)

 

It created the need to have a tough talk, one that people tend to avoid. So instead I seek out instant gratifacation, which has nothing to do with the state of the marriage but my poor skills in dealing with a bad relationship.

Exactly. That's what cheaters do. They eventually turn to find solace elsewhere, because they are for whatever reasons not getting the validation and understanding they require within the relationship. It's a case of JOINT poor skills. If he had paid more attention to his relationship before this happened, they might have had a more constructive discussion. The blame is hers, but it takes 2 to talk, however hard the talk is. Both people have to commit to discussion.

 

They have only been together for a year. If a relationship is making you so unhappy within the first year that you are driven to cheat, why even be in the relationship to begin with?

The time is irrelevant. I know people who two-time right from the beginning, and honestly see nothing wrong with it. It's happened and been recounted here, too...

 

I would never reconcile with someone who cheated that soon into the relationship. When there is no marriage, no kids, no history, it just makes more sense to cut ones losses and get out of it. I don't know what her BF is thinking.

well that roundly insults both of them. The fact that they are in discussion, talking to one another and aiming to re-build something of this disaster is a positive step. We might advise him otherwise, but he's not here, and he's made his choice, so I guess we'll just have to bite the bullet and live with it, won't we?

 

 

There are no circumstances here that led to her cheating. If she was the one who was unhappy it was her job to vocalize that a long time ago.

Apparently she did...?

 

Again why cheat on someone you have only been with for a year? Why didn't she speak up or just leave him? The relationship circumstances are not what led her to cheat, her poor coping mechanism is what led her to cheat.

Whatever led her to cheat is one thing; whatever they collectively failed to do, together, to address the problems existent within the relationship is on both of them....

 

What TaraMaiden is saying is being misunderstood.

 

She is NOT saying that making the choice to have an affair is anyone else's fault except the person who makes that choice. What she IS saying is that people do make these choices when the relationship is not meeting the needs of the person who is cheating. And the issues in the relationship are on BOTH people. Unless I read her post incorrectly, she did not say that excused the behavior....

 

THANK YOU!!!

Edited July 29, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[understand50]

Star and partner have decided to try and reconcile.

 

I think at this time, we should concentrate on how we can help them as they go trough this. We can argue that they should have, should be, spiting up, but in the end it is their decision.

 

BTW, Star, can we have some name for you partner? Should not be his real one, but I would like to talk about him in the first sense. Up to you.

 

This will be a hard road, and there is every chance that in the end it will be for naught, but I would like to hope they may be able to make it. I wish Mrs. John Adams and John Adams were still posting, as I think she was a good example of a WS that redeemed herself, and John gave input from his point of view. Star, you should look up on their posts, as you will find some good examples on how they got trough their trying times.

 

As always, good luck to you and yours.

 

Mrs John Adams: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/380722-mrs-john-adams/

 

Mr. John Adams: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/380721-johnadams/

[autumnnight]

Star, I understand the distinction of the WS being completely responsible for the A, both parties possibly being responsible for a bad relationship, and the truth that a bad relationship can make a party vulnerable - not "cause," just vulnerable.

 

But you might as well stop trying to convince anyone. There are people who choose to misunderstand because it is too nuanced or because...well, i can only speculate.

 

You and your partner have chosen to move forward. I would do what is always wise to do on the internet. Take what is actually helpful and ignore the rest. In fact, you even have an ignore feature, so it makes it extra easy.

[Horton]

The way some people pick and choose who they will and who they won't hold accountable for their choices is very telling.

[TaraMaiden2]

The way some people pick and choose who they will and who they won't hold accountable for their choices is very telling.

 

Yes, I know.....The way some people condemn outright and refuse to see the bigger picture, which as it's about a couple, includes both members, is very telling.

 

Too.

[m.snow]

He will cheat on you from his background.

 

So what will you do if he cheats on you back?

 

And you would not have a say, on his cheating. nothing to stand on.

 

The most important part of a relationship is Trust. And He can forgive you but can he trust you?

[Star lights]

He will cheat on you from his background.

 

So what will you do if he cheats on you back?

 

And you would not have a say, on his cheating. nothing to stand on.

 

The most important part of a relationship is Trust. And He can forgive you but can he trust you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think he knows he can trust me, he wouldn't be entertaining the idea of forgiveness if he didn't unless he has an underlying motive to wrong me as i have him but I highly doubt it, I've never done anything like this before and I wouldn't do it again, I think he knows that it was out of character.

 

So he will cheat...I take it you know him and his past well? Please tell me how his background proves he will cheat? Many people said I would never cheat, even myself...they knew me well and yet sadly I proved them wrong. What makes you so sure he will? I don't mean to be rude at all because I appreciate your input but it is a bold statement to make when you don't actually know his background.Yes statistics show he may but his past doesn't say he will? I'm unsure how you've made that assumption.

 

And yes I will have something to stand on, I don't have to forgive it If choose not to and I don't have to accept behaviour just because someone else can.

 

If he does then I have already asked that he be honest, if he is honest then I have to understand that this was a reaction to me wronging him and I have to decide if I can be as forgiving or if our relationship is over, which I feel it would be because at that point we are just trying to hurt eachother.

 

If he isn't honest and I find out then I will leave no questions asked.

 

If he entertains the idea and decides to discuss the idea with me then I just have to see how that conversation plans out.

 

I can't say that if he cheats I will have the same reaction as him and choose to forgive, I have a right not to and I won't if I choose, he had a right to choose as well.

[autumnnight]

The way some people pick and choose who they will and who they won't hold accountable for their choices is very telling.

 

The way some people misinterpret things is not surprising.

 

Anyone who cheats is 100% percent responsible for thei affair. It doesn't matter what was going on in the marriage. There is ALWAZYS another choice besides cheating. No one is forced to cheat, no one is caused to cheat, no one is made to cheat. it is an individual choice for which the chooser is 100% accountable.

 

If a marriage is in bad shape, that is often the "fault" (I hate that word) of two people. There can be many things that weaken a marriage, and many times both parties have helped to weaken it. However, oftentimes both parties were unhappy and only one cheats, which further proves that cheating is NOT causally linked to a bad marriage. In other words, you can be miserable in your marriage and still choose not to cheat. The choice to cheat is separate.

 

However, here is where logic and intelligence come in. If you put 2 people who are exactly the same side by side, cause one to be perpetually extremely hungry with no source of food, and one has all the food they need, then it is logical that the starving one may be more vulnerable to the choice of stealing food. Does this make stealing okay? NO. Does this mean they can blame their theivery on the fact that they were hungry? No. Because there are lots of hungry people out there who never steal. However, those who are capable of being objective can understand that a hungry person might be more VULNERABLE. It still isn't causation, but it goes to their own person al state of vulnerability. That is where boundaries come in. If they have good boundaries, they will not steal no matter how hungry they are.

 

I have read the most recent version of a very well known book on cheting and a book on marriage. The phrase "affair-proofing" is used in more than one context. The first context is in creating boundaries and precautions to keep one from being exposed to certain situations. The second IS related to the state of the marriage and meeting each other's needs within the marriage. So even according to experts, a person who has a marriage with severe neglect and unmet needs IS more vulnerable to outside influence. THAT is why boundaries are so important.

 

We can go back and forth all day about what people refuse to see. There is no excuse or justification for cheating, no matter how vulnerable one is. But you must be intentionally obtuse to deny that a miserable marriage can be a source of vulnerability.

 

The cheater is always 100% responsible for their choice. Both people can be responsible for the state of a marriage. One does not excuse the other, but to say the two are completely and utterly unrelated is just choosing to be stubborn. And expert written opinion agrees.

[autumnnight]

He will cheat on you from his background.

 

So what will you do if he cheats on you back?

 

And you would not have a say, on his cheating. nothing to stand on.

 

The most important part of a relationship is Trust. And He can forgive you but can he trust you?

 

If you had read the thread, you would know she has already offered this as an option to him. Reading is fundamental.

[BetheButterfly]

I can't say that if he cheats I will have the same reaction as him and choose to forgive, I have a right not to and I won't if I choose, he had a right to choose as well.

 

Hi Star lights,

 

I really hope he doesn't cheat but rather truly forgives you. Forgiving doesn't mean to get revenge, so...

 

My main worry with you getting back with him is if he will verbally abuse you. Hopefully he won't. Hopefully what he said to you before was just in anger and will not become a common occurrence. Hopefully he still respects you and won't treat you badly. I understand why you forgave him for calling you that and forgiveness is good and healthy. Please though don't let him abuse you just because you think you deserve it, ok? That's my main worry. Hopefully though he is a nice and good man who respects women and won't hurt you either physically or verbally.

 

Sad to say, many women who are abused by their boyfriends and husbands think they deserve it for whatever reason.

 

Anyways, I'm really glad that you are living with family and that you talked with him about underlying issues in the relationship. Communication is so important! I am glad that he is trying to forgive you and I hope he succeeds! That's also great that he is willing to church with you! Life is a journey and it's awesome when 2 people love each other and embark on the journey of life together, growing and learning as they go!!!

 

As for your healing, remember that's important, k? Cause even though you hurt him by cheating, you hurt yourself too, and you need to heal. And yeah, he needs to heal too.

 

Hugs and keep us updated! Also, don't worry about trying to convince anyone here anything, k? Autumnnight gave excellent advice.

Edited July 30, 2015 by BetheButterfly

[Star lights]

Thank you so much butterfly, autumn night, understand 50, taramaiden and everyone else who has helped me through this. It will be a long road and you are right butterfly...I can't allow his upset to get verbally abusive, I will be caring and calm when he is upset but I will not have him call me names anymore, I hope we are past that...we seem to be. It's been less than 2 weeks do it's early days and there's no telling whether we will make it. Part of me feels it would be easier on both of us to just break up but the majority of me feels that I owe it to both of us to try.

 

Let's hope church and religion will be beneficial for us both and now that I'm in a different mindset I hope I can become a happier, more complete person.

 

You have all been so lovely, I can't believe how great everyone has been whether you have understood my position/mindset or not I appreciate your advice.

 

?

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you so much butterfly, autumn night, understand 50, taramaiden and everyone else who has helped me through this.

 

That's what friends are for, even stranger friends on Loveshack!

It will be a long road and you are right butterfly...I can't allow his upset to get verbally abusive, I will be caring and calm when he is upset but I will not have him call me names anymore,

Awesome. A man who truly loves you will respect you and forgive you of your past.

 

I hope we are past that...we seem to be.

That's good. That makes me feel less worried for you.

 

It's been less than 2 weeks do it's early days and there's no telling whether we will make it.

Yeah... but regardless of what happens, don't ever let your past define you. Be a butterfly. (I wish there was a butterfly smilie but the bunny is cute.)

 

Part of me feels it would be easier on both of us to just break up but the majority of me feels that I owe it to both of us to try.

I agree with you that you would always wonder if you didn't try. That's understandable. That's great that he is willing to try too.

 

Let's hope church and religion will be beneficial for us both

God, who loves us with His Amazing Love, is awesome!!! Church is just a place where imperfect people meet to worship Him and learn and hopefully help/support each other. Religion is just a system of beliefs; getting to know God and His pure and amazing love for us has helped many people heal from issues in their past.

 

and now that I'm in a different mindset I hope I can become a happier, more complete person.

That reminds me of Lily "Superwoman" and her "Draw My LIfe"

 

 

She batted depression and considered suicide but she chose to change her life and be happy and complete and help people instead!!!

 

I hope her story comforts you and inspires you too. Hugs!!!