I am so lost and alone

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

You should try gain his trust again by been completely honest and getting counselling but it will take years so be prepared to put in the effort .But you might not get a chance , when cheating is involved everyones advice is to cut the cheater out of there life,unless ye have ties together he might just cut you out .

This really hinges on whether or not he wants wants the relationship anymore. If he doesn't, goodnight Irene.

[understand50]

Decide if saving your relationship is more important than the trip, if it is, rush home and let him know that he is more important and you will do anything to make him feel safe again. No more bullsh*t about maybe cheating, tell him every detail if he wants to know. Trickle truth will kill your relationship as easily as having sex with other men. You did this now fix it.

 

Star lights,

 

Read and heed aliveagain, if you want to save your relationship. What is a trip, compared to the "love" you are say you have for this man? Tell him everything he wants to know, make no excuses. Try and figure out why you did this and let him know. When you went on this trip, did you plan, really be honest, that you would cheat? Did your trip partner help you cheat? Did she/he cheat on their partner? Why did it take 3 separate men, until you woke up to what you had done? During the actual act of cheating, did you have any thoughts that this was wrong? Did you wright off your relationship, when you decide to have the first ONS? The more remorseful, and honest the better your odds of rebuilding trust. You need to honest to yourself first, and then share with him.

 

As for your pain, you need to put it aside, and think about the pain you inflicted on him. Wallowing in your pain, centering on how it makes you feel, does not show real remorse. You need to understand what you did to him. Until you get to that point, you will not be able to show him that you can be trusted.

 

My G/F cheated on me before we were married, we are 40 years plus now. Yes, you can rebuild trust, but it first requires hard work from you. Giving up the rest of your trip, is the first step. Dropping your friend who helped you cheat will be the second, confessing all, and I mean all, will be the third. Maybe, just maybe, he may give you the gift of a second chance. If he does, work hard to deserve it. If you cannot do any of this, let him know it is over and move on. Spare him the pain of having to break up with you.

 

I wish you luck and peace of mind.

[aliveagain]

Thank you, I will give him time. I think I am annoying him as I keep messaging him telling him that I will prove myself. He works away so he will not be home when I get there. I should delete his number so I cannot annoy him any more. when I get home I will move my things out of our home and hope he contacts me.

 

The crazy thing is that I hate cheaters, I told him I would not forgive cheating and I would never cheat. I have deceived myself and my morals by doing this.

 

The hardest part, apart from telling him was telling my mum. I needed punishment and I expected it from her. She simply told me that she couldn't punish me any more than I'm punishing myself.

 

I'm in a very lonely place at the moment and hope one day I can forgive myself and be happy again, we choose our path in life and I hope that if anything I have given him a chance at true happiness with someone more deserving. I pray he is happy in life, I just wish that could have been with me.

 

Here is where I see your confusion, it always was with you. You need to find out why you needed to change that, why did you throw a grenade into your relationship with him?

[bubbaganoosh]

There isn't anything we can tell you that you don't already know now. Problem is it's too late. You used bad judgement and gone against what you believe when it comes to cheating.

 

Yeah the relationship might be over but the one thing that I hope is you learned a valuable lesson. I know your hurting but believe me not as bad as he is and if your ever on the receiving end of infidelity and I hope that never happens to you, then you'll know what I mean.

[Star lights]

Thank you so much, I deserve

A lot more criticism than you are all giving me.

 

Really, I think I did this because I was jealous of his past.

 

I'm his first relationship he has had many many ons, and I have had relationships and I think I got so consumed with the idea that these ons were something that I missed out on, but I could never say that to him because it's an excuse.

 

He called me a tramp and as much as it hurt, I told him that I agree with him. It hurts to see yourself that way.

 

I don't want to come across as this is all sad for me, the only part I care about is the damage I've done to him for future relationships, I want him to trust people not be worried something like this will happen.

 

 

You don't realise how much your comments are giving me comfort right now and I know that's probably not your aim but it helps to not feel do alone.

 

To the person whose wife cheated before marriage...how did you trust again?

[Star lights]

And my trip means nothing to me, I want to go home now. I leave in just over a week but I want to go now

[understand50]

And my trip means nothing to me, I want to go home now. I leave in just over a week but I want to go now

 

So go now. If you cannot let him know why you cannot.

[Star lights]

He isn't actually at home though, he is away at work. But I need to be with my family right now and try to gain his trust

[Star lights]

I am trying to change my flights now. It will still be in a few days but I have to try. I need to win him back

[understand50]

Thank you so much, I deserve

To the person whose wife cheated before marriage...how did you trust again?

 

Star Light,

 

First, you can read my past post on what happened. What allowed me to trust her again, is that she never made excuses, she took full responsibility for her actions. She did not assume I would forgive her, and thought I would leave her. She was very open about her life and worked to not give me pain or have me wonder what she was doing going forward. It was all about me.

 

This took time, but I regained trust in degrees, and by the time we married, I trusted her, and she has been faithful to me ever sense.

 

I wish you luck.

[irishguy]

Ok so you cheated 3 times , did you not feel any guilt after the first time cheating .

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok so you cheated 3 times , did you not feel any guilt after the first time cheating .

 

Possibly not.

She felt she was doing the "crazy young thing, too fast to live too young to die" crap some kids go through.

 

....My first month was crazy, I partied all the time and thought that I was finally being young. During this time I cheated on 3 seperate occasions. After the last occasion I woke up and reality hit me. I realised I ruined everything and hurt my partner.

 

However, not everyone regrets it as fast and furiously as she did...

[Star lights]

I was in a fog, it sounds crazy now but I was in a haze. I have blacked out parts of it (I'm known for blocking out bad memories) I've done it my whole life and actually don't remember much of my childhood because of it. It's a defence mechanism I guess. Sometimes I dream my memories and have to question if they're true.

 

As you can probably tell I've had bad dreams lately, it's like my mind is full of the memory and it wants to remind me

 

I had drunk a lot and I was drunk the day after so I never had time to feel remorse, until the last one...again I didn't remember much until 2 days after. It's like I stopped drinking and all of the memories came flooding in. They're not even whole memories. I couldn't take you step by step through the incident. I couldn't tell you if they were rough with me or if they kissed me. I couldn't tell you anything like that. I can only tell you I did it because I remember having someone on top of me.

 

I can't say that to my ex though because it's not a believable story.

 

I know I'm not painting a great picture of myself but I'm being honest. And I've never done anything like this before. I've never drunk that much before although I am a nightmare when drinking anyway.

 

I will not be drinking again, I will continue to get counselling and I will be going back to church to beg for forgiveness. I hope one day I can forgive myself though.

 

I have changed my flights and fly home the day after tomorrow. I understand he may not want to know me anymore and that I need to prove myself, I don't expect him to appreciate it but I hope it makes him more inclined to want to speak with me. Although I won't be able to see him until September anyway due to his work patterns.

 

I really appreciate you all taking time to speak with me. I know I've said it before but I'm pretty lonely at the minute and I feel like you have all been so kind, even though you don't know me. It's more than I deserve and I appreciate it so much

[Clay]

Ok so you cheated 3 times , did you not feel any guilt after the first time cheating .

 

Maybe she is not really feeling guilty. Maybe its more of fear of losing her comfort. Fear of being alone. Sadly the damage is done. Hopefully he has a good support system and he can make good decisions for himself.

 

C

[BetheButterfly]

I am sorry you are so lost and alone. My heart goes out to do, cause it's not fun to be lost and alone.

 

I think you need to confess to your partner what you did and ask for forgiveness. It's up to your partner whether he will forgive you or not.

 

Hopefully both of you can get past this and have a wonderful life together.

 

I know for my husband, if I ever cheated on him, he would not want to be with me anymore, even though he would still love me. The reason is because he would lose all faith/trust in me.

 

Knowing that cheating would hurt him and would destroy our relationship protects me from cheating on him. Not wanting to hurt him is a part of loving him.

 

Please learn from this that cheating isn't worth it, it's not worth hurting the one you say you love.

 

Again, hopefully he forgives you and hopefully you never cheat on him again. However, it's very important for you to be honest with him about what you did and it's very important to let him decide what he wants to do.

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I will fight to win him back.

 

I doubt it will work but I have to try

 

I think it's best not to fight to win him back, but rather to focus right now on other pursuits. Education? Career? Growing closer to family? Friendships with ladies you respect? Helping the poor? Politics? Art?

 

If he truly loves you and wants you back, he will come, but most men don't like desperation. (Fighting to win him back sounds really desperate.) Please instead, just take time to pursue other aspects of life and take time to heal.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I'm his first relationship he has had many many ons, and I have had relationships and I think I got so consumed with the idea that these ons were something that I missed out on, but I could never say that to him because it's an excuse.

 

He called me a tramp

 

 

 

 

 

So in other words he's a playa' that likes to bang chicks who are just looking for some thrills and he either hasn't wanted or hasn't been able to have a legitimate relationship before.

 

And now that you've gone out and had some fun and thrills of your own, he hates you and he sees you as just another one of the "tramps" that he has made a lifestyle out of banging.

 

Yeah that sounds like a really good guy and really healthy relationship to run back to and try to save.

 

This whole situation has multiple levels of messed up, dysfunction and maladaption.

 

Ok so maybe the Pope won't completely agree with your motives or actions, but this guy is no prize. If he hates you and thinks of you as a tramp because you did what every other woman he has been with has done and he was ok with that with them, then this is not a healthy relationship or situation.

 

If he sees you as a tramp now, why would you want to continue seeing him??

 

Why would you want to see someone that has made a career out of ONSs and now that you have had some he hates you and sees you as a dirty tramp? Why bring that on to yourself.

 

Your behavior may not have been appropriate for someone in a relationship and he may be justified in breaking up with you, but now that you've experienced ONSs, now you know the kind of woman he goes to bed with and what he thinks of them afterwards. He's a real fine catch ain't he?

 

My recommendation is to let him and the relationship go. If you decide that you are a relationship oriented person after all and that you have gotten the ONSs out of your system, now you can be mature enough to find a guy that is also relationship oriented and you can have a healthy relationship that you are both ready for.

[BetheButterfly]

So in other words he's a playa' that likes to bang chicks who are just looking for some thrills and he either hasn't wanted or hasn't been able to have a legitimate relationship before.

 

And now that you've gone out and had some fun and thrills of your own, he hates you and he sees you as just another one of the "tramps" that he has made a lifestyle out of banging.

 

Yeah that sounds like a really good guy and really healthy relationship to run back to and try to save.

 

This whole situation has multiple levels of messed up, dysfunction and maladaption.

 

Ok so maybe the Pope won't completely agree with your motives or actions, but this guy is no prize. If he hates you and thinks of you as a tramp because you did what every other woman he has been with has done and he was ok with that with them, then this is not a healthy relationship or situation.

 

If he sees you as a tramp now, why would you want to continue seeing him??

 

Why would you want to see someone that has made a career out of ONSs and now that you have had some he hates you and sees you as a dirty tramp? Why bring that on to yourself.

 

Your behavior may not have been appropriate for someone in a relationship and he may be justified in breaking up with you, but now that you've experienced ONSs, now you know the kind of woman he goes to bed with and what he thinks of them afterwards. He's a real fine catch ain't he?

My recommendation is to let him and the relationship go. If you decide that you are a relationship oriented person after all and that you have gotten the ONSs out of your system, now you can be mature enough to find a guy that is also relationship oriented and you can have a healthy relationship that you are both ready for.

 

I really need to read all before replying hmm?

 

Yeah OP, I boldened some of OldShirt's reply. Please meditate on it.

 

There are awesome men in the world and then there are many who are players who don't want to be played. My personal experience has taught me to stay away from players and wait for a lover who truly knows what love is.

[DKT3]

I think it's best not to fight to win him back, but rather to focus right now on other pursuits. Education? Career? Growing closer to family? Friendships with ladies you respect? Helping the poor? Politics? Art?

 

If he truly loves you and wants you back, he will come, but most men don't like desperation. (Fighting to win him back sounds really desperate.) Please instead, just take time to pursue other aspects of life and take time to heal.

 

I think this is horrible advice. It can give more proof to him that she doesn't give a f8ck about him.

 

Also do NOT LEAVE THE HOME YOU SHARE. Be there waiting when he comes home unless he asks you not to be.

 

As mentioned throughout your thread here, give him total honesty right from the start, if its true that all you remember is some guy bouncing on you then tell him that. Let him decide what he does with the information.

 

Most importantly you have to be there, make him tell you no, or leave me alone, don't decide for him what he can and can't handle or what he will or will not believe. Simply give him the truth as you remember it then give him time to shollow the sh*t sandwich, also be prepared if he can't get it down and walks away.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think this is horrible advice. It can give more proof to him that she doesn't give a f8ck about him.

 

Also do NOT LEAVE THE HOME YOU SHARE. Be there waiting when he comes home unless he asks you not to be.

 

As mentioned throughout your thread here, give him total honesty right from the start, if its true that all you remember is some guy bouncing on you then tell him that. Let him decide what he does with the information.

 

Most importantly you have to be there, make him tell you no, or leave me alone, don't decide for him what he can and can't handle or what he will or will not believe. Simply give him the truth as you remember it then give him time to shollow the sh*t sandwich, also be prepared if he can't get it down and walks away.

 

Yes, but what about the fact that he called her a tramp and had loads of ONS himself?

Isn't that being a bit hypocritical? It's all right to bang all those other chicks, but his gal has to be pure and untouched by everyone but him...?

 

Dual standards, much?

[BetheButterfly]

I think this is horrible advice. It can give more proof to him that she doesn't give a f8ck about him.

 

You can think what you like. However, now that I know he has called her a tramp, I don't think he's a good man for her.

Also do NOT LEAVE THE HOME YOU SHARE. Be there waiting when he comes home unless he asks you not to be.

 

I disagree. This man doesn't respect you. I wouldn't live with a man who doesn't respect me. Tramp is a very insulting word. If he truly loves you, he would not be calling you mean names. Don't be a doormat and feel like you have to take it because of what you've done. A man who truly loves you would not be mean to you but rather would try to understand you.

[Star lights]

I really do see your point on the whole player thing, but he hasn't cheated on me and gone with other girls. I understand that he was probably not a great person before but he has been great with me.

 

We had our problems in the beginning, he just wanted sex and I wanted a relationship. It took him 4 months to take me on a date but he came good in the end and I was the one to destroy us. He became such a great partner but I think I hadn't got the whole 'being young' out of my system.

 

Before I came away I told him how I felt and he asked me to not cheat on him and I did...I have to face the consequences, but thank you for putting another view on the situation, hopefully that will keep me sane for the next few months.

 

Are there any men out there though that aren't into sleeping around? I wonder

[DKT3]

So in other words he's a playa' that likes to bang chicks who are just looking for some thrills and he either hasn't wanted or hasn't been able to have a legitimate relationship before.

 

And now that you've gone out and had some fun and thrills of your own, he hates you and he sees you as just another one of the "tramps" that he has made a lifestyle out of banging.

 

Yeah that sounds like a really good guy and really healthy relationship to run back to and try to save.

 

This whole situation has multiple levels of messed up, dysfunction and maladaption.

 

Ok so maybe the Pope won't completely agree with your motives or actions, but this guy is no prize. If he hates you and thinks of you as a tramp because you did what every other woman he has been with has done and he was ok with that with them, then this is not a healthy relationship or situation.

 

If he sees you as a tramp now, why would you want to continue seeing him??

 

Why would you want to see someone that has made a career out of ONSs and now that you have had some he hates you and sees you as a dirty tramp? Why bring that on to yourself.

 

Your behavior may not have been appropriate for someone in a relationship and he may be justified in breaking up with you, but now that you've experienced ONSs, now you know the kind of woman he goes to bed with and what he thinks of them afterwards. He's a real fine catch ain't he?

 

My recommendation is to let him and the relationship go. If you decide that you are a relationship oriented person after all and that you have gotten the ONSs out of your system, now you can be mature enough to find a guy that is also relationship oriented and you can have a healthy relationship that you are both ready for.

 

I think its abit much for him calling her a tramp on the heels of finding out she has cheated on him three times. The guy was hurt and lashed. "I hate you, you tramp" I'm guessing is a fairly common expression of disgust upon finding your partner just cheated on you three times.

[tough love]

Star Lights, you did the right thing in telling him the whole truth. My wife cheated on my prior to our marriage and I didn't find out until 21 years later, along with many other lies she told. It has caused a great deal of tension and resentment. I may have forgiven my wife had she told me immediately after she cheated, but in her case, she blatantly lied after her ONS and about many other things. I would have never knowingly chosen to be with someone who could be so calculating and deceitful and knowing she felt entitled to make informed choices about her life while deceiving me in my life choices.

 

I am assuming you were in an exclusive relationship with your partner. If your partner had many ONS prior to you, that doesn't excuse you to cheat on him. I hope his ONS's were prior to being with you and he did not cheat on you too.

 

I commend you for telling him the truth so he could make an informed choice, one way or another. As others have said, take this and learn from it.

[BetheButterfly]

 

Are there any men out there though that aren't into sleeping around? I wonder

 

Yes there are man out there who are faithful.

 

I recommend that you read the following thread about happy and successful long term relationships:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/538400-good-marriages-long-term-relationships

 

Please note that kindness is a very important trait.