I am so lost and alone

[Star lights]

But he asked me to leave...I think I should respect his wishes and maybe try from afar to show him that I still care. Would I be right in doing that?

 

Plus I don't know if I could go back there without him, it will be too hard but do you think I should? He may throw my clothes away and I don't think id like to be the one to bring that side out in him. I want to try to save my relationship but not if it costs him his morals and I think he would eventually be very ashamed if he did something like that.

 

You are right about karma...Buddhist believe that karma happens when it comes to reincarnation don't they? If you do something bad in this life you will return as something of a lower status in the next life? Or have I just made that up?

 

Thank you for the comments

[Star lights]

Sorry what does WS mean? Sorry, I'm new to this.

[drifter777]

Sorry what does WS mean? Sorry, I'm new to this.

It means "wayward spouse". BS means "betrayed spouse". I know your not married so replace "spouse" with "significant other" for your situation.

[TaraMaiden2]

...

You are right about karma...Buddhist believe that karma happens when it comes to reincarnation don't they? If you do something bad in this life you will return as something of a lower status in the next life? Or have I just made that up?

 

Thank you for the comments

 

OK, as you asked.... I'll respond...

 

Some Buddhists make a very definite distinction between Reincarnation and re-birth.

 

Reincarnation literally means 're-born in the flesh'.

 

This would seem to indicate a belief that the same entity comes back, maybe even in recognisable form, to continue where they left off, but from scratch.

 

Even this description, is not entirely accurate, Buddhism-wise.

 

The only branch/school/tradition of Buddhism which views Reincarnation as a factual event, is Tibetan Buddhism.

 

And even then, it's not quite as per the definition I gave, above.

A great, renowned, respected and revered teacher/Lama, dies.

This Lama usually leaves instructions as to where his 'reincarnation' can be located.

He enters the Bardo' or transitional interval, between dying and being re-born/reincarnated. For a highly-enlightened and blessed lama, it's said to be immediate (the 'Bardo' lasts but seconds) but for those who are not so high-level, a bardo usually lasts anything up to 49 days.

No, I have no idea why.

 

His followers have two years to find, locate, verify and install his successor/incarnation.

 

So essentially, they have until the reincarnation, in the form of a young child, is two years old.

At that point, the imprint, or identity of the original now-dead Lama, begins to fade, and dissipate, as the child's own identity, temperament and character begins to bear fruit.

(This is logical, as it's at around this age that babies/toddlers begin to gain spatial awareness and 'realise' that in fact, their mother is not 'attached' to them, so they throw tantrums to maintain a link and hold on their comfort-zone. Heard of 'the terrible twos'...? You will! )

 

Even locating the child is not enough.

The child has to undergo several 'tests' to establish that this is indeed the 'Tulku' (or Lama's personification/reincarnation). Only once the child has accomplished the given tasks, can they be held to be the manifestation of the previous Lama. But they also develop their own temperament, character and identity.

Study, meditation, schooling in Buddhist ways and education all go towards moulding this entity into the ways which were laid down by his predecessor.

 

Re-birth is for the rest of us poor, unenlightened chumps!

 

What is re-born is the essence of our Consciousness.

So it is held that your Mind-set, at the moment of your death, will direct you either towards a rebirth fuelled and propelled by turmoil and turbulence or sustained and nurtured by calm and peace.

 

The moment you die, is the moment of your re-birth.

[Star lights]

Oh okay, thanks for letting me know.

 

And thank you, I didn't really understand karma and Buddhism but that was what I heard it was that's why I said I may have made it up because I didn't know if it was true it not.

 

Also, just to clarify, when I say I'm home now I mean in the country. I am staying with family because I don't want to be alone. I don't mean I'm in my old home. I still need to go back there and collect my things but right now I want to get back into a routine. It's 5.10 am here and I'm still awake even after taking Valium so i would like to get my mind right first. I haven't eaten in days either and I'm just very tired and exhausted, I think I need to try and get some normality back before I go through that emotional roller coaster? or maybe I should get it over and done with? I don't know...I'll see how I feel later today maybe. I don't know which would be best in the long run.

 

I kind of want to brace myself for this being completely over , if I don't I know will never be able to let it go. So whatever decisions I make now need to help me come to terms with having lost him whilst also proving to him that I am not giving up.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Star lights

[TaraMaiden2]

Try to get some rest.

Sleep deprivation is still used as a legitimate form of torture and will break down you ability to evaluate, discern, balance, judge and calculate.

 

You need to be lucid.

Get some sleep.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[autumnnight]

It is great to see a WS post something like this and prove that they understand the meaning of "second chance".

 

I know you liked this Star, but you may not completely understand how it was actually meant.

 

Keep reaching out to your BH, and keep doing the WORK of remorse.

[understand50]

I kind of want to brace myself for this being completely over , if I don't I know will never be able to let it go. So whatever decisions I make now need to help me come to terms with having lost him whilst also proving to him that I am not giving up.

 

Star,

 

Hope you read my story. I am writing, this as you seem to have remorse, and realize just what you did. What allowed me to forgive my G/F, now wife, is a lot like what you stated above. You need to let him go, do not expect that he will give you a second chance, and then show that you are remorseful, that this will not happen again, he he does.

 

"What allowed me to trust her again, is that she never made excuses, she took full responsibility for her actions. She did not assume I would forgive her, and thought I would leave her. She was very open about her life and worked to not give me pain or have me wonder what she was doing going forward. It was all about me. "

 

The actions you are taking now and by thinking about him first, is the only way you may get a 2nd chance from him. If you do get a 2nd chance, take it for the gift that it is, and do not throw it away. Things will get better, and you will get over this.

 

I wish you luck.

[Star lights]

Sorry, I thought it meant it's nice to know that I don't expect a second chance from him. The WS threw me off a little because I didn't know what it meant but I knew WS was referring to me. Sorry...I'm confused by the lingo.

 

Yeah, I'm just worried that I won't get a chance to show my remorse to him because he isn't around too much due to work but I must try. At least then I can say I tried my hardest.

 

At the moment we both live in Australia but were from the UK, he is going home in about a week and a half for 2 weeks, our home towns are a 40 minutes away from each-other so I was thinking of going back home and messaging him when I go back and telling him that I'm there because I would like to talk so if he would like to as well I can get over to him and If not then I will respect his wishes but at least he knows that he can if he changes his mind. Or is that to desperate? Or to soon? I feel like he needs space and I'd be disrespectful by not honouring that.

 

My only other chance after that would be mid September and I fear I would have lost him for sure by then.

[drifter777]

Sorry, I thought it meant it's nice to know that I don't expect a second chance from him. The WS threw me off a little because I didn't know what it meant but I knew WS was referring to me.

 

Yes, this is precisely what I meant.

[BetheButterfly]

Your words meen so much right now, I can't tell you how much!

 

I had a nightmare getting home which consisted of the airline not knowing my flights had been changed so I was stuck in an airport until a seat became available and then I had one problem after the other, all I could do was laugh at myself, and cry.

 

I'm sorry.

 

It's been a strange and crazy week but I am home now and i have very

mixed emotions but it's so comforting to feel safe.

 

I am glad you are safely home.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and I really will try to remind myself that people make mistakes, I guess it is what makes us human.

 

Yep, humans make mistakes. It's like the famous quote says, "To err is human; to forgive, divine." I think Alexander Pope said that?

 

I have stopped messaging him for now, I will give him time but I have let him know that I will wait for him and if he ever decides he would like to try again then I will be there.

 

That's good. Yeah, I think he needs time, but please don't get lost in the depths of despair if he decides it's permanently over.

 

It's all I can do for now but as time goes on I'm understanding more that I won't get forgiveness from him and I don't actually have a right to ask, I have to learn to be okay with that.

 

 

There's been many tears, mainly for him and the thought of what he is feeling right now but with all the help I have received from you all has really calmed me down.

 

I'm a placid person but I also act on emotions quite easy and with having a history of suicide attempts I was very worried that I would hit that low again but you were all a god send in my time of need and I must keep my positive thoughts even when I don't want to.

 

Oh Star Lights, please don't kill yourself :( Life is worth living, even when you're in the depths of despair because you can get out of those depths in the land of the living and enjoy life, and help other people too!!! (I've had suicide thoughts before, but I am so glad that I did not murder myself, because if I had, I would have missed out on the joy and love I experience nowadays.)

 

Butterfly I would definitely love to help others in a similar situation once I've healed enough to be able to give useful advice,

 

Yes, once you have healed, you will be able to help others and make a positive difference in other people's lives too, which makes the world a better place.

 

I will certainly be using this site to give people positive thoughts.

 

Yep! Loveshack is awesome!

 

It feels so nice to be able to be myself on here because no one knows me and I can just write out all of my feelings (sorry as it is annoying for other people to listen to someone who is in pain which is caused by their own selfishness)

 

I think karma has begun to show itself already with my flight mess up but I think I can prove to karma that I won't make this mistake again so I'm hoping it will go easy on me.

 

We are all human and we all deserve second chances, and I don't mean with my ex , I don't deserve a second chance with him as much as I would like one. I mean a second chance at life and another chance to prove myself to whom ever I end up with.

 

A second chance at life is a beautiful gift.

 

I will be going to church first thing Sunday morning and I will be sure to offer my time to any charity events they need help with, this could be a great fresh start for me.

 

Helping others is awesome! Both attending church and helping others helped me heal too, as well as people who lovingly showed me there's hope.

 

I will have a lot of heart ache but it's nothing compared to what I have put my ex through, I just wish him the best of luck and I know that one day when he finds an amazing wife and has a beautiful family he will see that I was only a page in his book and maybe he will forgive me for the wrong I have done

 

I hope he will forgive you too.

 

and he will understand that I am not a bad person, I'm just lost.

 

Star lights, Jesus Christ came to save the lost: "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” - Luke 19:10 (NIV)

 

Love you <3

 

P.S. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Luke 15. It includes Jesus' parable of the Lost Sheep and also the Prodigal (or lost) son. It might comfort you?

 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15&version=NIV

 

Blessings and hugs

 

With love from a friend on Loveshack

[BetheButterfly]

OK, as you asked.... I'll respond...

 

Some Buddhists make a very definite distinction between Reincarnation and re-birth.

 

Reincarnation literally means 're-born in the flesh'.

 

This would seem to indicate a belief that the same entity comes back, maybe even in recognisable form, to continue where they left off, but from scratch.

 

Even this description, is not entirely accurate, Buddhism-wise.

 

The only branch/school/tradition of Buddhism which views Reincarnation as a factual event, is Tibetan Buddhism.

 

And even then, it's not quite as per the definition I gave, above.

A great, renowned, respected and revered teacher/Lama, dies.

This Lama usually leaves instructions as to where his 'reincarnation' can be located.

He enters the Bardo' or transitional interval, between dying and being re-born/reincarnated. For a highly-enlightened and blessed lama, it's said to be immediate (the 'Bardo' lasts but seconds) but for those who are not so high-level, a bardo usually lasts anything up to 49 days.

No, I have no idea why.

 

His followers have two years to find, locate, verify and install his successor/incarnation.

 

So essentially, they have until the reincarnation, in the form of a young child, is two years old.

At that point, the imprint, or identity of the original now-dead Lama, begins to fade, and dissipate, as the child's own identity, temperament and character begins to bear fruit.

(This is logical, as it's at around this age that babies/toddlers begin to gain spatial awareness and 'realise' that in fact, their mother is not 'attached' to them, so they throw tantrums to maintain a link and hold on their comfort-zone. Heard of 'the terrible twos'...? You will! )

 

Even locating the child is not enough.

The child has to undergo several 'tests' to establish that this is indeed the 'Tulku' (or Lama's personification/reincarnation). Only once the child has accomplished the given tasks, can they be held to be the manifestation of the previous Lama. But they also develop their own temperament, character and identity.

Study, meditation, schooling in Buddhist ways and education all go towards moulding this entity into the ways which were laid down by his predecessor.

 

Re-birth is for the rest of us poor, unenlightened chumps!

 

What is re-born is the essence of our Consciousness.

So it is held that your Mind-set, at the moment of your death, will direct you either towards a rebirth fuelled and propelled by turmoil and turbulence or sustained and nurtured by calm and peace.

 

The moment you die, is the moment of your re-birth.

 

I always learn a lot when you share about Buddhism, TaraMaiden! Love you!!!

[understand50]

Sorry, I thought it meant it's nice to know that I don't expect a second chance from him. The WS threw me off a little because I didn't know what it meant but I knew WS was referring to me. Sorry...I'm confused by the lingo.

 

Yeah, I'm just worried that I won't get a chance to show my remorse to him because he isn't around too much due to work but I must try. At least then I can say I tried my hardest.

 

At the moment we both live in Australia but were from the UK, he is going home in about a week and a half for 2 weeks, our home towns are a 40 minutes away from each-other so I was thinking of going back home and messaging him when I go back and telling him that I'm there because I would like to talk so if he would like to as well I can get over to him and If not then I will respect his wishes but at least he knows that he can if he changes his mind. Or is that to desperate? Or to soon? I feel like he needs space and I'd be disrespectful by not honouring that.

 

My only other chance after that would be mid September and I fear I would have lost him for sure by then.

 

Star,

 

I wanted to think on this before I replied. Keep in mind the following:

 

1) You need to follow your "gut", what do you think you should do?

 

2) You know your B/F better then all of us, we just know him from what you have wrote, so from what you know of him, would be be surprised and react well to you following him? Or would it just piss him off more? Can your family offer support to you?

 

You are going to have to weight what you know of him to come to a decision, that will give you the best outcome, if the outcome of a 2nd chance is possible.

 

Now, if I were you, and this was me, I would go back to the UK, visit my family during this tough time and let him know you are available to him if he needs any type of closer or commutation. Keep in mind, that this may not end well as he may just want to see you and tell you off, but if you do not try, how will you ever know? For me it would come down to wondering, if I have gone the extra mile, could we have been together?

 

I am a man. I tend to go with action, in stead of passively standing by. I also tend to like to face my fears, and situations in person. Your B/F may want to do this as well.

 

Keep posting, we are here to help.

[Star lights]

Butterfly, I forgot about the story of the lost sheep, it was my favourite growing up because it meant a lot to me to know that everyone matters and others are willing to look for you because to them you mean a lot. Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

Understand50, thank you for giving me advice and telling me what you would do and what you would like to be done. Men handle things like this so differently and I think (please forgive me if I'm wrong) but I think women usually find it easier to forgive but for men it's about ego and pride. I only know one man that has forgiven cheating but he only did because she denied it, and even though everyone knew she had and deep down he knew she had he chose that to trust her was more important ...so I don't know how a man would rather I handle it his situation because I have no experience and no examples to go by except for yours and another man who commented in regards to his wife cheating .

 

Could I ask you something and please tell me if I am getting to personal but were there times you wanted to walk out on your gf/wife? And did you ever look at her the same way you did before this happened?

 

Thank you and please do not answer those questions if they are too personal. I have read some of your posts and you seem to have taken this so well due to her attitude towards it but I would love to know if it was ever the same or if this somehow in a strange way made you stronger than before

[understand50]

Could I ask you something and please tell me if I am getting to personal but were there times you wanted to walk out on your gf/wife? And did you ever look at her the same way you did before this happened?

 

Thank you and please do not answer those questions if they are too personal. I have read some of your posts and you seem to have taken this so well due to her attitude towards it but I would love to know if it was ever the same or if this somehow in a strange way made you stronger than before

 

Star,

 

Truthfully, from her NOS, no. Once I forgave, I did forgive her completely, and did not hold it against her, past knowing she was capable of it, or throw it at her during fights. I never forgot she did cheat, and as all men that have gone trough this, it does "bug" from time to time. As for loving her, I cannot say that my love for her was diminished. It has been said that you really never fall out of love with your first love, and for me that is true.

 

There was another big crisis in our marriage, that did almost break us up. From one of my early posts

 

We had decided to have her stay at home to keep the “teenagers in line” In 2008, the company I had worked for 15 years was sold and I was layed off. I also found that my wife had been running up credit cards ($60K), spending a 2nd mortgage line of credit, $80K, and took out loans on our 401K, $30K. Total $170K. The is financial infidelity, and it leads to divorce as does sexual infidelity. I spent some time (3 months) deciding if I wanted to stay in the marriage. 3 things decided it for me. I still loved her, if we divorced we both would be poor, and lastly, I wanted to keep our family together. Due to the economy, all the kids had come back home.

 

If I had divorced her, it would have not been from the cheating, but from what she had done at that time. I would have to say that this in someways, while not as painful, was hard to forgive her. The fact she had cheated in the past, did not help, as in trying to work on the marriage at that time, the cheating, came up.

 

From the same post.

 

"Four, our communication was bad. We just did not talk about anything that would upset the other. “rug sweeping” We started setting aside a time each week, where we had privacy and talk. I insisted on honesty and no secrets between us. We later went to talking each month. We had long talks on why she spent the money, did she and really want to stay together, and many other questions. She had to be truthful on everything. I as well. On another post, I talked about how and why I asked about her sexual past in HS. We talked about her ONS. Not so much as to get something on her, but truth was what I and her needed. It took some time, and I investigated a bit. Both her and I wrote to each other during the time we were not together, and I reread our letters. I found 3 letters from a G/F of hers. They were replies back to her letters written at the time, and they covered her “ONS”.

 

What had really happened, was she had not gotten drunk and then seduced, but went out of her way to sleep with the guy. She was living with 4 roommates. They all knew each other from HS. They were not impressed with my wife dating some “boy” 2 years younger and still in HS. They teased her, and over a couple of beers, bet her she could not bed a “hot” guy that came around from time to time. She was not sure of us and me as well, and had her doubts, she started flirting, and over the week, went out of her way to get to know him. By that Saturday, after making out in the living room, she literally took him by the hand to her bed room and he spent the night. The next morning, thinking she had lost me for good, and feeling cheap, she called me to come on the following Saturday, as she wanted to confess face to face and let me get back on the bus after I told her off. This she did. From her friends letter, it also seems that she found out that this “hot” guy, also was in on the bet, and she and been set up to some extent by her friends. He later bedded the all the other roommates during the next month.

 

After hearing this, and asking some more questions, I forgave her again, and told her I had no regrets about staying that weekend after she told me. My main reasons was that she had 35 plus years of being faithful to offer in balance. She talked about how ashamed she felt, that she just did not want to tell me, and she was hoping that I would forgive her when she told me. Later, as after we had moved on, she felt that no good would come from bring the matter up. This really was not a large issue, it hurt a bit, but I had processed the “ONS” a long time ago, and I still loved her. It did help that her friends letter backed her up. My main point and goal was truth between us, and also the truth was, I did not really buy the first story when she told me, but wanted to keep her. I bring this up as if you are going to work on commutation, you need to be prepared for anything to come out, and work trough it. If you ask hard questions you may, and will, get hard answers."

 

After her financial infidelity, I was on a "we must have whole and absolute truth between us" jag. I was also re-looking at life in general, when I came across her old letters. Even at that, when I asked her, I stated, "my forgiveness stands, but after 30 years, can we discuss? Of course, she had been faithful to me all these years, so I "forgave" again.

 

Because, my wife and I were friends, or the relationship of the younger bother of her "best" friend, before we dated, and I heard all her stories, and such, I knew she was not perfect. This helped, as in the end we have both grown up together, we have gone trough all the hard times, and that has built up our love and compassion for each other. I came on to LS, as I was trying to understand her financial infidelity, and was also looking on ways to work on the marriage in general. At this time, we are good shape, as for what awaits us in the future, heath issues, retirement, we will face together.

 

Hope this helps, wish you luck.

Edited July 24, 2015 by understand50

[BetheButterfly]

Butterfly, I forgot about the story of the lost sheep, it was my favourite growing up because it meant a lot to me to know that everyone matters and others are willing to look for you because to them you mean a lot. Thank you for reminding me of that.

 

It's one of my favorite parables of Jesus too.

 

I hope you are doing ok... please don't get lost in the depths of despair... please don't cut or kill yourself. Instead, please get counseling.

 

Some verses in the Bible, like Jesus' parable about the lost sheep, are comforting and can help one heal. This one helped me heal too...

 

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” - Lamentations 3:19-24 (NIV)

 

Hugs

[understand50]

Star,

 

How are you doing?

 

Hope you are well.

[Star lights]

Hii!!

 

Thank you so much for being so caring.

 

It has been a tough week.

 

Thank you for asking how I'm getting on...this may be a long response...please don't feel as though you have to read it...

 

At first he was angry and then that turned to upset and he got quite aggressive vocally, he asked for details and I gave him what he asked which was extremely upsetting for both of us and after trying to calm him down I finally realised that I had to explain how I feel...I decided to tell him exactly how I have been feeling in our relationship for the past few months and told him how alone I felt and how I always felt as though we were living his life and not ours... I explained that this is merely a symptom of a much bigger problem. I figured I have nothing to lose but he would have something to gain (the chance to be different with his next relationship) I guess he appreciated this approach because he has decided to try and forgive me. He has agreed to start coming to church with me and has realised that because we only see eachother for a limited time every month...we need to spend that time as a couple and not with his friends (he is a very selfish person so this will be very tough for him)

 

I have spoken with him about the option for him to have a one night stand... this would be upsetting for me but the statistics show that many people revenge cheat, I explained that if we are to keep the truth in our relationship then we should talk about this being an option if he feels it would be beneficial for himself. I would rather he discuss it with me or tell me if he has done this so we can deal with it head on...I know this may sound crazy but so many people revenge cheat and I feel for us to keep this base of truth and honesty then we both have to explain how we feel and whether this is a road he would like to take. After all the reason I told him of my betrayal was because if we didn't have truth then we didn't have anything and who wants to live a lie?!

 

Many people were right when you said we are immature...who would believe I am 27 and he is 33. I think we had got stuck in a Web...he was inexperienced in relationships and I was inexperienced with sexually experienced men. I felt inadequate and unworthy. I feel like I have been more honest with him in the last 2 days then I ever have...I've been more honest with myself to.

 

I now realise that we aren't perfect and this isn't going to be easy but all we can do is try and strangely enough I think that if this works then it will be the making if us and if it doesn't then I think we will both go on to be happy no matter what.

 

In some weird way I think he understands that I felt inadequate and lost, I had told him before my trip that I felt lost but I don't think he realised just how much, I don't think either of us did.

 

I have decided to not move back into our apartment as I am too alone there, I will stay with family and return when he is home. I plan on keeping most of my things there and just getting things as and when I need them. I have also decided that I need to find friends (I only moved to this country 2 years ago and have been with him for 1 year of that)

 

I need to find out what it is I like to do and what I enjoy, I need to learn more about me...my years in relationships have somehow stunted my growth as a person and I need to realise that I can be complete when alone and I need to be because he isnt here too often.

 

He has asked that I stop drinking, which is a fair request and can only be beneficial for me. I will be continuing with my therapy but he has decided against couple therapy as he finds it hard to speak about things to an outside party.

 

I think time will tell if he can really forgive me and I am aware that he may feel differently when he sees me but for now I feel positive and I feel like this experience has taught me so much.

 

There were comments about me thinking too much about punishment and you were right, he said to me today that I need to find a way to move on from this and that I need to stop being so depressed about it, because that in itself will drive a wedge between us and he is right, I dwell too much on things I cannot change but surely it's better to be that way then to not care at all but maybe I need to find the balance.

 

I fear that if I don't find myself I will never truly appreciate the fact that this amazing man has given me a second chance, he sees something in me that I can't see and I need to try and find what that is so that I can appreciate it too and be happy

 

We both have so much work to do, together and seperately but I hope that whatever happens, we will both use this lesson to learn and grow and I have promised myself that I will never wrong him or any other boyfriend again...I am not a cheater and I never will be again.

 

I wonder if in this situation, that saying that 'honesty is more important than monogamy' stands? If you have honesty then you have trust and I trust that I will never be this again.

 

?

[autumnnight]

he said to me today that I need to find a way to move on from this and that I need to stop being so depressed about it, because that in itself will drive a wedge between us

 

This statement right here makes me feel a good bit of respect for your husband. You'd be amazed how many "men" would WANT you to be depressed and hopeles for as long as possible so they could feel vindicated watching you fall apart.

 

He must have good character.

[Star lights]

Yes you are right, he is a good man and he only wants the best for me I think.

When he first said this I thought it was yet another thing that he was dictating to me about but it wasn't until after that I realised he just wants us to be happy and he doesn't want me to have so many issues, he wants me to be happy and he wants to be happy

[DKT3]

Sounds like you guys may have a shot to make it work.

 

One warning, drop the victim of a bad relationship bit. Your cheating wasn't and will never be a result of a bad relationship. The talk you had after the cheating was the result of the bad relationship. Your cheating is an entirely different subject. You will have to change your veiws in that area if you truly want to make this work. In a sense, making that claim pushes the responsibility of YOUR actions back on him. You have to take 100% ownership of cheating, he didn't physcally place those men inside you, or ask you to do it, so he share none of the blame.

 

Also, take the "revenge" thing off the table its just a bad idea trust me on that one. Beside he could have 7 women and it will still not feel equal. Just forget that.

[TaraMaiden2]

....One warning, drop the victim of a bad relationship bit. Your cheating wasn't and will never be a result of a bad relationship. The talk you had after the cheating was the result of the bad relationship. Your cheating is an entirely different subject. You will have to change your veiws in that area if you truly want to make this work. In a sense, making that claim pushes the responsibility of YOUR actions back on him. You have to take 100% ownership of cheating, he didn't physcally place those men inside you, or ask you to do it, so he share none of the blame.

 

Well, SHE IS to blame.

They are both RESPONSIBLE.

That is what she was pointing out.

 

There are circumstances which lead to women cheating, just as there are circumstances which lead to MEN cheating.

These circumstances and reasons for them, differ wildly, but they all mean one thing: Someone cheats because there is a dysfunction or anomaly within the relationship and BOTH parties are responsible for the relationship.

She is not blaming him, neither is she including him in her blame. She is merely outlining how certain incidences within THEIR relationship affected her negatively.

There is no excuse for cheating, and she has accepted 100% of that.

But as to the state, condition and 'dysfunction' within the relationship - that IS on both of them.

 

Also, take the "revenge" thing off the table its just a bad idea trust me on that one. Beside he could have 7 women and it will still not feel equal. Just forget that.

This - I totally agree with.

[Hope Shimmers]

I have spoken with him about the option for him to have a one night stand... this would be upsetting for me but the statistics show that many people revenge cheat

 

No! No, no.... don't do this. It's a really bad idea, believe me, and it will fix nothing.

[DKT3]

Well, SHE IS to blame.

They are both RESPONSIBLE.

That is what she was pointing out.

 

There are circumstances which lead to women cheating, just as there are circumstances which lead to MEN cheating.

These circumstances and reasons for them, differ wildly, but they all mean one thing: Someone cheats because there is a dysfunction or anomaly within the relationship and BOTH parties are responsible for the relationship.

She is not blaming him, neither is she including him in her blame. She is merely outlining how certain incidences within THEIR relationship affected her negatively.

There is no excuse for cheating, and she has accepted 100% of that.

But as to the state, condition and 'dysfunction' within the relationship - that IS on both of them.

 

This - I totally agree with.

 

I strongly disagree, her cheating has nothing to do with the state of the relationship, its merely justification that in her mind made it ok at the time. She isn't taking 100% ownership.

 

So what I'm hearing you say is, if my SO has sex with me once a week and complains about me hanging out with my friends that she shares the blame for me getting in bed with another woman because the relationship isn't really working for me, I need sex 3x a week and not to hear her nag? Now go ahead and spin that one.

Edited July 29, 2015 by DKT3

[Star lights]

Well, SHE IS to blame.

They are both RESPONSIBLE.

That is what she was pointing out.

 

There are circumstances which lead to women cheating, just as there are circumstances which lead to MEN cheating.

These circumstances and reasons for them, differ wildly, but they all mean one thing: Someone cheats because there is a dysfunction or anomaly within the relationship and BOTH parties are responsible for the relationship.

She is not blaming him, neither is she including him in her blame. She is merely outlining how certain incidences within THEIR relationship affected her negatively.

There is no excuse for cheating, and she has accepted 100% of that.

But as to the state, condition and 'dysfunction' within the relationship - that IS on both of them.

 

This - I totally agree with.

 

 

Thank you...I feel like you have explained this a lot better than I did.

 

 

I accept the blame 100%, none of this is his fault but had our communication been better I may not have done this. The communication being bad was completely my fault, I didn't insist enough that I was struggling and I didn't make it clear enough how lost and alone I felt, that's my problem.

 

As for the sex 3x a week example, I understand completely what you are saying but that is in no way what I mean...let me explain...

 

We had a major communication break down and I had a melt down before I left for my trip, we both needed to come together at that point and we didn't, that's no fault of his or mine actually (i could predict what was coming) but because we didn't come together I felt more and more alone...I should have communicated this to him at this point but I didn't and that's where I wrong 100% I then did something completely wrong and un justified and cold and selfish, none of this was his fault it was just a spiral that I allowed to get out of control...but my point was that had I not allowed this to get out of control, had I made my point clear and had I stayed at home when I was so fragile none of this would have happened but these are the problems that led to me straying, these aren't his problems they are mine but they show problems in the relationship, my problems in the relationship. Do you understand what I mean?